I thought maybe we should have considered race but then I just have to look at my wonderful children and know I am meant to be their dad. We always talked about difference, I mean, we couldn’t not. It has been a part of our lives, and definitely part of mine since I was born. Saying that there were times when I felt like I, well my dark skin, my choices have affected my family and sometimes my friends too is hard but true. The thing that hurts is that I love my blackness but situations can make you start to really think about its impact. This thinking can get my kids and me down, they hate seeing me down; I know this hurts them too. How did the school system receive your visible differences? It has to be when they first came to live with us and my eldest came from school saying that I can’t be a father because I was black and she was white. Some children at the new school had said that black people couldn’t adopt white children so she must have been kidnapped. I had to explain what kidnapped meant and why people may say such hurtful things. This type of negativity has followed us from the outside world but all I have continued to say ‘we know the truth, I love you very much and as my children I expect you to not carry the negativity of others in your heart’. Do you think there was/is a difference in how you parent children of a different race from the parents? Yes and no, there are standard parenting that supports children to love, trust and be honest. However, there are cultural elements as a diverse family that needs to be constant. We all love history and politics, the history of all people enables us as a family to embrace difference, affirm understanding too, as well as talk through difference of opinions. So things such as stop and search, my children have some understanding of what that is as this happened to their dad often in the early days. It was history that I used to explain situations and reasons for prejudice. My parenting as a black man means that my experience of the world and the people in it must play a part. My 20 // REIMAGINING THE MIXED RACE EXPERIENCE.
siblings, their children, my parents are huge parts of my children’s lives and mine. I mean this is their family too so visits to Nigeria, having insider information of Nigerian family life is part of their life. Now they are older we talk a lot about power and privilege, whiteness and their place in the world as white people with black family. I mean things like they date people they connect to and that have included black people. I guess me as their dad and dating could be an interview piece on its own? What one piece of advice would you give to parents choosing to adopt children of a different racial background? Be open to learning new things. In fact go out your way to learn new things. In my experience talking about difference helps to position all people and that way it normalises difference. Sharing diverse history and not shying away from the horrors but always asking the children for their ideas or solutions and thoughts before sharing yours. This I have found really supports a reflective approach to the world and really opens up space to talk about prejudice and prepare your children. This is something I wish I did more of: travel. Each place we went to we were challenged for one reason or another. The biggest piece of advice is if like me you are a hoping to be a father of colour then be prepared for the challenges on your heart and soul by others, this is really painful. Seeing in people’s eyes, hate, disgust let alone actions. Saying that my children are MY children and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kim - My children don’t look like me…
Mum – Black female (Caribbean - Black British) with mixed race children, is a stepmother to white children (white English) How do you feel about your parenting now that your children are grown up? Now that my children have grown up I feel that I have done a brilliant job at parenting. I have always believed that children need structure and discipline and although I doubted myself whilst they were