Enjoy reading The Trouble with Murphy by Biff Price! Visit www.biffprice.com for novels and more short stories by Biff.
A Division of SevenHorns, LLC. PO Box 269 Randolph MA 02368 www.sevenhornspublishing.com www.biffprice.com This short story is a work of fiction. Incidents, names, characters, and places are products of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously. Resemblance to actual locales or events or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. Copyright Š2016 by Biff Price All rights reserved. Published in the United States by SevenHorns Publishing, a division of SevenHorns, LLC. The SevenHorns name and logo are trademarks of SevenHorns, LLC. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. Designed by Branded Human. www.brandedhuman.com Manufactured in the United States of America
The Trouble with Murphy A short story © 2016 – Biff Price Murphy sat down and stared at the lawnmower. Why wouldn’t it run? He had tinkered with it for an hour. He checked off what he had done: cleaned the sparkplug and adjusted the gap, checked the oil, cleaned the air filter, checked the throttle settings, checked the choke, washed everything and let it dry, cleaned the dried grass from the blades and underside of the mower, tried to start it, failed, replaced the sparkplug with a new one, went through everything again, tried to start it, failed again, got out the manual, read through the “Problems Starting” section, did everything that it said, failed again, got a drink of water, ate a sandwich, scratched his head, and finally gave up. This was dumb. He felt dumb. He felt like a failure. Meanwhile, the sun was shining, the grass was growing, the lawn needed cutting, and the Boss was going to be unhappy with him…again. Maybe he needed a stronger word? Not dumb…but borderline stupid. O.K., maybe borderline wasn’t strong enough? How about just plain old garden-variety stupid? What if he added inept, brainless, incompetent…would that be enough to describe his failures? Murphy stared at the lawnmower. Maybe he could will it to start up…sort of a mindover-matter kind of thing? He squeezed his eyelids together and projected: ‘Start!’ He stood up, set the throttle, and yanked on the cord. Nothing! The day had started when he got up. Well, actually, he hadn’t gotten up. Murphy rarely dozed except when he was standing up. Let’s say that he became aware. The trouble with Murphy was that he was usually lost in thought, and he was always thinking about stuff. The real trouble was he was easily distracted. He would be trying to do one thing and thinking about another. This was not good. Things happened. Accidents befell him. Plumbing broke, electrical fixtures shorted out, appliances breathed their last…on his watch! Vehicles ground to a halt with broken engines, doors malfunctioned and wouldn’t open, pictures fell off walls and the glass broke into a million pieces, hangnails that were ignored required major pedicurial attention, (was that a word?), and everything he touched blew up, fell apart, broke down, and got busted! Murphy was a mess in search of a place to happen.
Repairs that he made always cost three times what he had expected. Between twisted fingers, skinned knees, an aching back, muscle pain, sunburn, windburn, rotator cuff problems, dust and sneezing, hiccups, headaches, sprains, shoulder separations, and the heartbreak of psoriasis, Murphy endured being the main handyman of the community. He was the jack-of-all-trades and master of none, or so it seemed. He raised his eyes and looked at the lawn. Was it his imagination, or could he actually hear the grass growing while he looked at it? He wanted to shout, “Stop it! Halt! Don’t move!” The yard looked like it was light years in size. It was expanding before him as he stared. It was maddening! Murphy answered to the Boss, and the Boss answered to no one. He was the Big Guy, Number One, and King of everything. The truth was that the Boss was always really nice to Murphy, but Murphy would pretend that the Boss would be really angry with him because he never got his work done because of some oversight on Murphy’s part. It was a way of adding to his personal anxiety level when things went south on him. He spent most of his time puzzling out why this was? It wasn’t that others didn’t like him, but it was his job to make sure things worked right. At least, that is what he thought when the Boss assigned him to the job. Before he had taken the job he was oblivious to things mechanical. Like everyone else, he took them for granted. Before he had taken the job when his own things broke he simply ignored them. His place was piled up with various things that were busted and in need of repair. He had stopped inviting others to visit. He was ashamed that his personal space looked like a junkyard. He had no idea why the Boss had chosen him for the job. Murphy sighed heavily. He pulled up a chair, sat down, and resumed staring at the mower. Then, he looked up. The Boss stood smiling at him from a few feet away. He never got mad at Murphy, but that didn’t make him feel any better. The Boss had more patience than anybody! “What’s the matter, Murphy?” “It won’t start. I’ve tried everything, checked everything, changed the plug, cleaned the filters, and done everything I can to get it to run. The yard will be out of control if I can’t get it running. Look at it. It’s growing while we stand here!” “It’s grass, Murphy. It’s supposed to grow.”
“Yes, that’s true…but I like to keep things neat and in order because that’s my job,” Murphy muttered. “That’s okay. If it grows a little longer, what’s the big deal? It’s not the end of everything. If you don’t get it cut today, you can cut it tomorrow.” “Yes Sir…but if I can’t get the mower started I can’t cut the yard by hand with scissors. That would take forever!” The Boss looked at Murphy with another smile. “When did time become such a big deal to you? You’ve got all the time you need to get this done. Do I look upset?” “That’s what makes me upset! You never get mad at me. You never take me to task for anything. You just let me go along tinkering with this thing, adjusting that thing, oiling another thing, painting the thing over there…” “I understand…” “There you go again. You are always so kind and understanding. You never raise your voice to me. I try to do everything right for you. I—” “But, that’s MY job, Murphy. You have your job, and I have mine. I don’t expect you to do everything right. Yes, I know you know that I like things to be perfect, but I never expected that you would be perfect all the time. You have to make allowances for yourself. Cut yourself some slack. If I’m not upset, why should you be?” “I’m sorry, but I want to do everything right all the time,” Murphy said. “Look…if I had expected perfection I would not have assigned you to this job. I chose you for this job precisely because you’re not perfectly perfect. I don’t expect you not to have things go wrong. After all, you’re a role model for so many.” The Boss started laughing. “Don’t get mad at me…or yourself. “ “Yes, but—” “No, no buts. If you could remember everything I wouldn’t need you. I like you just the way you are. Now, you said you checked everything, right?”
“Yes Sir…I did.” “What about the fuel? Is there fuel in it?” The look on Murphy’s face was priceless. The Boss smiled a great smile and stifled a laugh behind his hand. Murphy stuttered, “Uh, I didn’t even think to look in the tank.” He unscrewed the cap and looked in. It was bone dry. With a sheepish grin he looked at the Boss. “No fuel! That’s the last thing I would have thought of! It can’t run if I don’t put fuel in it! Man, am I a dummy!” The Boss was laughing so hard that Murphy felt embarrassment sweeping through himself. His face turned a bright red. Finally, the Boss got control, stepped closer to Murphy and put his large hands on his shoulders. He looked him in the eyes. “You know, I’ve never told you this, but you are one of the most famous and well-known persons I’ve ever had. I have avoided telling you this because I didn’t want you to get all puffed up with pride. When I say you’re a role model, I mean it. Why, practically everyone knows your name! You, Murphy, are a household fixture all over the world. “There have even been books written about you. I picked up a copy of one for you.” The Boss started chuckling. When he finally managed to gain control again he handed the book to Murphy. “Here, take this. After you put fuel in the mower and cut the yard you might want to sit down over there on that bench.” The Boss started laughing so hard at this point that even Murphy couldn’t avoid being caught up in the j. The laughter went on for a long, long time. Finally, the Boss looked at Murphy and managed to say, “I…I…whoeeee…this is so funny! Ha ha ha ha ha ha…I mean, gosh, I…ha ha ha ha ha ha…I can’t stand it! Please…Murphy, take the book. I’ve got to get back to work. Ah…ha ha ha ha ha ha…oh, man, I can’t stop laughing! Here…read it…you’ll enjoy it!” Roaring with laughter, the Boss thrust a thick book into Murphy’s hand and walked away rapidly. Murphy looked down at the book’s cover. The title was in big letters, but there was a misspelling in it. It read Murphy’s Lwa.”