The Best Medicine

The Trials and Tribulations

of a Garden-Variety Gardener

The arrival of spring brings with it several certainties: warmer weather, more daylight, and—for many homeowners—yardwork. I’m a big fan of two of those three, and you don’t need to be a genius to figure out which one doesn’t make the cut, since it includes the word “work.”

I’ve never enjoyed yardwork, whether it’s weeding or pushing a wheelbarrow full of mulch. As a result, my yard generally looks as though I live next door to a wasteland, and is more likely to be featured in the latest issue of Toxic Waste Dump Monthly than in Better Homes and Gardens.

It’s not that I don’t make any effort: I just don’t make much of one. I’m always upfront about that with the plants I buy. On the drive home, I explain to them that they’re pretty much on their own. I’ll put them in the ground— I feel that’s the least I can do, and I always try to do the least—but after that, it’s every root and leaf for itself.

I also buy plants with description cards that include an image of a deer face with a red line drawn through it, which means the deer supposedly won’t eat those particular plants.

Unfortunately, deer aren’t well versed in the use of emojis, so they fail to realize they don’t find those plants tasty, and thus proceed to eat them. Every. Single. Time.

I’ve long recognized, however, that a lot of people do love gardening. Many find it to have meditative qualities. Plus, it’s a terrific source of exercise. We often equate exercise with weights and running shoes, but gardening can also be good for your health.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to make more of a concerted effort this spring and not rely solely on the theory of survival of the fittest—partly because I’ve learned the “fittest” plants are always the weeds. That hardly seems fair, since the free plants should be the fragile ones, whereas purchased plants should be the ones that thrive. Apparently, though, I don’t understand gardening. There are, however, some parts of yardwork I already enjoy. For example, who doesn’t love using a leaf blower? Walking around the yard, leaves flying and swirling in front of you at your command, it’s hard not to feel like Zephyr, the Greek god of wind. It’s like summoning the forces of nature with your finger. Give me a leaf blower and an expanse of leaves, and I’m set for hours, even if I’m just blowing the leaves up and down the street. However, one important consideration when doing yardwork is the noise level. My lawnmower sounds like a chainsaw convention, and some leaf blowers—especially the gas-powered ones— are louder than a garbage disposal with three spoons and a fork in it (don’t ask how I know that). With that in mind, be sure to read the article on yardwork hearing protection on page 11.

One of the article’s helpful suggestions, which I have followed for years, is to wear protective hearing devices. I have often worn earmuffs myself to block out the noise while out in the yard. Not to block out the noise from lawn equipment, mind you—although now I see the value in that—but rather so I can’t hear the neighbors call out to me, “Great day to be doing yardwork, isn’t it?” I’m not sure if they’re just being friendly or trying to give me a hint, but looking at my lawn, I can guess.