Bull's Eye View by Second Supper

INSIDE...

La Crosse's Free Press VOLUME 11, NO. 8 | MARCH 10, 2011

Capitol clogged with slobs? Call Joe the Plumber Page 4

PHOTO BY JASHLY CONRAD

Bull's Eye View A savage journey to the Stansfield Dart Tournament Page 5

PLUS: MIXTAPE MADNESS• PAGE 6 | PORCUPINE CONTINUES TO IMPRESS • PAGE 7 | ADVICE GODDESS • PAGE 11

2// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

COMMUNITY

Social Networking

NAME AND AGE: Grant Cloud, 22

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Paying for the bill on a date! Ugh

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Paul, Minnesota, but grew up in La Crosse

TELL US A JOKE: Why are women's feet so small? To stand closer to the oven!

CURRENT JOB: Full-time student, also doing nothing in my free time

WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Jimmy John's WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW?: LInt?

DREAM JOB: Physical therapist

IF A GENIE GRANTED YOU ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR? More time in the world for sleep

ay... OH YEAH! By the w

Free Shuttle From Neuie's North Star Starting At 8:00PM

LAST THING YOU GOOGLED: An address for a potential apartment, totally creeping.

$2 Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light Cans $2.50 Rails - $3 Cherry Bombs - $4 Jaeger Bombs $1 Doctor Shots

IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Being cliche and going with London. I loved visiting there.

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: Probably play basketball with Obama, lolz

WHAT IS YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE? Water or iced tea

WHAT PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH? Easily Justin Timberlake FIRST CONCERT YOU WENT TO: Less Than Jake and Fall Out Boy. Gotta love being 14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF SECOND SUPPER? Bar specials :)

CELEBRITY CRUSH:

HOW DO YOU KNOW BRITTANY?

Carla Gugino or the typical Mila Kunis

Met her a long time ago in high school, definitely not by choice!

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?

— Compiled by Shuggypop Jackson, shuggypop.jackson@secondsupper.com

Whatever book my devil English instructor tells me to read

WHAT IS YOUR GUILTIEST PLEASURE? Definitely Bieber fever

W3923 HWY 16 West Salem

FREE BEER

FREE WINGS

FREE BOWLING Every Monday at Features in West Salem FREE BEER – 5:30–6:30 PM FREE WINGS – 7:30–8:30 PM FREE BOWLING AFTER 9 PM FREE DRAFT BEER – Bud Light, Miller Lite, Pabst Beer Will Be Served in 10 oz. Plastic Cups, One at a Time

6 WINGS PER PERSON – Plain, Hot Or Mild

(Must Purchase A Beverage To Receive Wings, Sauces & Celery Extra)

FREE BOWLING with the Purchase of a Shoe Rental

788-1919 1920 Ward Ave

MUST BE 21 TO PARTICIPATE

Second Supper

Things To Do

God, when can we golf again?

The Top Best-named dart games 1. Suicide Cricket 2. Wild Mouse 3. Diddle for Middle 4. Narvak 5. Shanghai 6. Doubleday Baseball 7. Blind Killer Biggest La Crosse Center shows (excluding country) 1. Metallica, 1/28/93 2. Nine Inch Nails, 2/5/95 3. Marilyn Manson, 4/5/97 4. Aerosmith, 11/15/98 5. Korn, 7/19/00 6. Bob Dylan, 11/5/08 7. Elton John, 4/19/11

March 10, 2011 // 3

FIRST THINGS FIRST Let's go someplace warm, someplace magical. A land of finely shorn grass, lakes of hazard and sandy bunkers. That's right, friend, we're golfing. You get to the course and look at your friend's new driver. He tells you that he got it at the La Crosse Golf Show. You think, hmm, that's where my other friend won $10,000 in that chipping contest sponsored the Wisconsin Insurance Center. Your girlfriend mentioned that she traded her 7 iron in for a nice 56 degree wedge. Your dad was there and got free lessons at the fully netted driving range. You think, I should go to that next year. Well, this weekend the La Crosse Golf Show will be at the La Crosse Center. Come check it out on Friday, Saturday and Sunday — all tickets are under $10. For information, call 793-1956.

Calling all Thespians

If you want to audition for New York, L.A., Hartford or Brussels, go somewhere else. If you want to audition for Chicago, come to the La Crosse Community Theatre. Auditions for the musical Chicago will be held at the La Crosse Community Theatre on Monday, March 14 and Tuesday, March 15. Sign-up times are 7, 8 and 9 p.m. The LCT is seeking 9 to 12 women and 9 to 12 men, ages 18 and up. If you are 17, don't even think about it. In fact, if you are 17 don't even pretend like you are thinking about it! Auditionees must prepare 16 bars, or 30 seconds, of a musical theatre song not from Chicago — be ready to learn and perform a dance routine. To schedule an audition, or for more information, call the box office at 784-9292, ext. 2.

Do breakfast, old-school

Bring the fam and head over to the Norskedalen Nature & Heritage Center in Coon Valley this Saturday for their annual Sweet, Sweet Spring event. From 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., smell the maple syrup boiling, eat a hot breakfast of organic pancakes and sausage, explore Norskedalen with a horsedrawn wagon or participate in demonstrations hosted by Norskedalen and the Driftless Folk School. The breakfast will be served from 9 a.m. to 1p.m., and the cost is $9 for adults and $4.50 for kids 10 and under. Admission to the grounds is free.

Celebrate student art

Gaze at some sweet artwork at “The Fox, the Bee and the Scribe,” an art exhibit put on by UW-La Crosse art students at the Grand River Station Gallery, 315 S Third St. in downtown La Crosse. The three-person show, opens with a reception from 5 to 7 p.m. on Friday, March 11 and will run through April 1. The exhibit is free and open to the public.

Save beer money

Every day brings us nearer to the April 23 Between the Bluffs Beer, Wine and Cheese festival. Save some dough by heading to the Bodega Brew Pub on Tuesday, March 15 from 4 to 6 p.m., where you can purchase up to four general admission tickets for $20 each. That’s a $10 savings on advance tickets. (Limit 4 tickets per person.) While you’re there, enjoy $1.75 pints of Lakefront Snake Chaser and the musical stylings of Kelly Wilde, who will be doing a live remote from the party. For more information, visit www.betweenthebluffsbeerfest.com.

4// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

COMMUNITY $1

Round Four: In Contempt

Our intrepid reporter discovers palm trees, 'slobs' and Joe the Plumber By Bob Treu Special to Second Supper

. ..

.........

.. . . . . .. .

......... ..

.........

TUESDAYS at 8PM

WEDNESDAYS from 4-11PM

○ NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S ○

After weeks of following Wisconsin’s budget battle, I had pretty much decided to take time off and give us all a rest. There’s only so much that can be done with standoffs, which are likely to decline into rhetoric and angry gestures. But then, Madison is a good place for street theatre, especially when Fox News gets involved. Last week Bill O’Reilly showed some rather nasty footage of angry, pushy protesters, while a cohort said the Madison protests were out of control. People in Wisconsin couldn’t help noticing the palm trees in the background, especially with spring break coming on. So, to no one’s surprise, a variety of palms began to appear outside of the Capitol, including small potted ones, as well as the inflatable plastic variety, in an apparent effort to defend Fox’s credibility. Meanwhile, the protesters agreed to peacefully vacate the Capitol for a much needed cleaning; but not before Republican Senator Grothman called those staying overnight “slobs.” Larry O’Donnell (MSNBC) then rounded up four of the rotunda campers, all of whom seemed chosen for their cleanliness and middle-class appearance, and had Grothman look them in the face. This seemed unfair at first, because O’Donnell could surely have found some seedier types. Courageously refusing the easy path of recantation, the senator looked them over and averred that they were indeed slobs. This is not likely to help him withstand the recall effort his constituents have launched. Next, the temperature of the rhetoric increased when Walker and the Republicans found the missing Democratic senators in contempt. State law does allow the Legislature to find someone in contempt, but this requires that the person be guilty of a felony or some other things, none of which remotely describes what the senators have done. In fact, there is a chance Walker would be in

1452 Caledonia St. On La Crosse’s North Side

Best Tacos in Town Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday 782-6446 Find us on Facebook

MyEaglesNest.NET

contempt if he had the Democratic senators arrested. Actually Walker seems to hold lots of people in contempt, and they return the favor. It’s sort of teenish, as in: “OK, then. I hold you in contempt and your mother too.” That bit of Ciceronian dialogue having failed, Walker turned back to an old favorite: physical apprehension. Earlier he tried sending the state police after the Dems, but their jurisdiction seems to evaporate at the state line. The missing senators seem to have an unfair advantage in actually knowing the law. The frustrated Walker now says he will hire private security to go after them. I could show him a Blackwater camp (with its new name) south of Madison, just over the line in Illinois, but they may be pricey for a state that’s broke. Meanwhile, like any good imperial leader who negotiates while he bombs, Walker allowed a series of talks between his representatives and two of the Democratic senators, Cullen and Jauch, and told us yesterday negotiations would succeed if Sen. Martin Miller were not blocking the more responsible senators from returning. Then, as evidence of Miller’s contrariness, he held up a letter in which Miller asks to meet with him, an offer so unstatesmanlike, Walker called it “ridiculous.” It is not clear exactly how Miller, who seems to be an almost grandfatherly figure, is preventing any of the senators from leaving, unless he keeps them bound and gagged and denies them nourishment. (Full disclosure: Miller looks remarkably like my own grandfather, including the neat silver mustache, the crop of thick silver hair, and the infectious grin. There’s no relation, but my grandfather was a dairy farmer who worked hard for the Progressive Party, when he wasn’t milking cows or building barns with his sons. However, he could be stubborn as a mule, and was not the sort you wanted to threaten.) Sen. Jauch then called Walker’s remarks a “complete misrepresentation,” and concluded all trust between the sides was now gone. The first week of the Democratic Diaspora in Illinois seemed like a quixotic, even futile, effort to forestall the inevitable. It has become much more. Besides energizing the opposition to the budget bill, far beyond what anyone imagined, it has focused attention across the country on a well-funded and nationwide attempt to repeal a century of progressive legislation. The Wisconsin story has caught on everywhere. People in Vermont are remembering whispered legends of Bob La Follette, secretaries in California have learned to thank Wisconsin workers for the 40-hour week, and even children in Florida know we don’t grow palm trees. The 14 senators have given us time to

learn what is in the bill, to discuss it and to react to it, which is the last thing Walker wanted. Communities learned they would not be allowed to support their schools by raising property tax levies even if they want to. Every tax payer learned that heating plants and other state buildings, the state wealth they paid for and own, will be sold without bidding process to anyone interested. Also, communities like Sparta were able to negotiate contracts and prepare budgets before the bill passes. Whether we agree with them or not, we owe the senators a debt of gratitude. To end the week, the Americans for Prosperity bus rolled into La Crosse Saturday night with a load of folks eager to show they support Walker. They did this in a closed meeting in the comfort of the Radisson Hotel. They arrived early, so they wouldn’t be bothered by the crowd of 500 to 1,000 people outside who felt differently. Inside, Joe the Plumber told his audience that the protesters outside were ignorant and misinformed. He represents a curious facet of American politics that began with Andrew Jackson’s defeat of the Federalists, after which the Federalists reframed themselves, learning to dress like farmers and smoke clay pipes while they tried to persuade working people to vote against their own interests. Modern Republicans occasionally adopt this tactic. I am happy to say I met four local business owners in my casual stroll among the protesters outside, including a grocery store manager, a stained glass artist and a landscaper. None of them felt Walker’s pro-business stance was helping them. Joe was followed by Sen. Dan Kapanke, who was comfortable defending the bill in that setting. He seemed a lot less comfortable when he spoke in Viroqua Tuesday. He told a skeptical crowd the bill was not what it says, or wouldn’t be. He and others were working on changes secretly, so everyone should just cool it until June. That would require more trust than most people seem willing to give at this point, and the recall against him is doing well. Four thousand signatures were collected in the first two days. So this week’s story ends with yet another standoff. Recall efforts have been mounted against eight Republican senators, with union members doing much of the work. But the right is also working on recalling eight of the Democratic senators, an effort directed by Americans for Prosperity and some people in Utah. In other words, it’s a decent simulacrum of our politics. We are a seriously divided nation, and people are beginning to talk about class warfare. I may have more to say about that next time.

Republican sneak attack ends collective bargaining. Protesters storm the Capitol and declare a general strike. What in the world is going to happen next? We don't know. But come back for Round Five.

Second Supper

March 10, 2011 // 5

COMMUNITY

The Art of Darts

or Two Darts Beat as One, or A Dart in the Bull is Worth Two in the Hand, or I went to the Stansfield Dart Tournament and all I got was Hungover By Ben DeLine Special to Second Supper Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I walked into the 28th-annual Stansfield Vending Dart Tournament at the La Crosse Center during a transition between "Tom Sawyer" by Rush and Kid Rock's cover of "Sweet Home Alabama." The ambiance was electric. Just the sort of music I would expect to accompany middle-aged tossers with soft tips trying to find the sweet spot. Legend has it that the great pastime of darts began in medieval England with shortened arrows and an empty wine barrel as hand-eye exercises for archers. Some of the merry fellows would bring their "darts" down to the local watering hole to impress the buxom bar lasses, and the rest is history. There were fewer buxom lasses at this honorable event, but plenty of merry fellows drinking flagons of Bud Light. The annual Stansfield tournament is a very big deal in soft tip circles, and it attracted some of the nation’s finest darters to town in the middle of last month. As a doctor of journalism and freelance social scientist it was my mission to chronicle the proceedings in the name of science. The list of competing teams included local Third Street tossers as well as some classy visiting competitors including crowd favorites The Helm DTF, Animal House, Neverland Ranch and "Who Darted." Tables were strewn with dart accessories, cans of Copenhagen and small landfills of Bud Lite. The floor was still mostly empty a half hour before the beginning of the competition. Many of the already nervous and shifty-looking contestants were getting juiced on Mt. Dew and energy drinks. One could feel the momentum building toward something monstrous and frightening. This is to be expected. The training regimen required to compete in a dart tournament weeds out those without the grit necessary to get drunk til bar time and wake up the next day at 9 to do it again. Most teams drank the same brand out of solidarity, though many lone wolf darters quaffed whiskey and coke. These are serious men and require a serious drink. The contestants were clad in Packer jerseys, camouflage, Nascar hats and local bar T-shirts almost to the last man. There were, of course, some bad apples guilty of the Wisconsin fashion faux pas of sporting blaze orange past the Super Bowl. It dawned on me that I was not wearing any of the aforementioned uniform

combinations. This epiphany was catalyzed by a group of forty-something Dick Trickle fans who said, "There he goes with his little satchel again," as I walked by. I was obviously sending out either queer or East coast vibes. Probably both. So I decided to stick to simple questions, tried to use some humor and removed some of my queerer accessories (like the hat and scarf my mom knitted for me). This is not the first time she's gotten me into this kind of trouble with her wardrobe contributions. I stole a dip from a nearby can of Copenhagen and approached some of the darters with my new strategy. After showing my social security card and identifying myself as a non-communist American citizen I asked them how many beers deep they were. The responses were slightly more coherent and much less suspicious. The teams seemed to all have put down a fair number of beers. Some of them proved it by changing their story three times in the span of five minutes. One of these told me six first, then eight. "Lets meet in the middle at seven, like James Taylor," I said trying to break the ice. "Who the f*** is James Taylor?" he said at me. It didn't require the excess saliva projections to know they were drunk, moderately drunk or on their way to being drunk. Many of the tossers had pregamed at their hotel or a local watering hole before sauntering over in their Harley Davidson jackets to throw a few preliminary darts before the round robin began. I was still planning my escape route through the growing mob when they began to start the show. There were the standard announcements: "One, don't forget to hit the change player button. Two, don't punch the dart machines. We have a Spider Box punching arcade game for you to hit if you are angry [more on this later]. Three, drink lots of Budweiser, but be safe and have fun." The sponsor, Budweiser, was already doing pretty well on the day with the beer lines remaining constantly crowded, or were those the ticket lines? Better not to ask... The "Star Spangled Banner" abruptly started and not a single person missed a beat. Packer Super Bowl Championship hats were off and they turned in unison like synchronized swimmers toward the stars and stripes. The recording included a rousing crowd noise track to compensate for the lack of rowdy biased spectators. Just after five the darts were flying and the perspiration began to permeate the building. By six, the crowd started to thicken

and there wasn't a dry shirt in the building. After bumping into a few burly moustached fellows with my "satchel" I decided not to stick around for the bullshit round robin. After all, the real darts would happen in the final round the next day at nine. I was on a tighter schedule Sunday on account of snow and work as well as last minute wardrobe changes. I left my scarf at home and threw on my La Crosse Speedway Oktoberfest sweater before running out the door. It was the best I could do on short notice. I had just enough time to check in on the results and pound a few Bud Lites before I had to split for work. The sportsmen who remained were the real deal. Matadors. Guys who could really sling an arrow along with some streaky chuckers who had made it to the final round through sheer determination, intimidation tactics and an assortment of multi-colored uppers. The tables looked the same but with a few less orders of curly fries. There had been a Spider Box competi-

tion the night before. The winner took down the mechanical Frazier with a haymaker scoring a whopping 969. One of the Stansfield Vending crew informed me that 850-900 was a pretty solid hit. Any journalistic guilt I felt for leaving the story the night before disappeared. The results of the tournament were unintelligible to this reporter anyway. Some won, others lost. The old sports adage that the team that drinks to the finish wins seems to have been upheld, and no one lost an eye. I call that a victory in itself. On my way out I realized I hadn't gotten the name of the Spider Box champion for my story (and the police records). I went back, fully expecting to end up with a back full of darts like the poor sap in the beginning of "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark." The Stansfield rep didn't know the guy's name. As of press time he's still loose on the streets, and the county prosecutor hasn't returned repeated phone calls.

LA CROSSE’S NEWEST & TRUEST PUB & EATERY WITHOUT THE FRANCHISE! Monday: All U Can Eat Wings includes choice of potato, slaw and a $8.99 frosted Pint. 4-9:30

Tuesday: Wisconsin cheese steak sandwich with a frosted Pint. $8.99

Wednesday: Ladies Night, $1 Off All Drinks 4-Cl. Pint-Aritas $3.00 (lime or strawberry)

Thursday:

Karaoke on Thursdays

All U Can Eat Wings includes choice of potato, slaw and a frosted Pint. 4-9:30 $8.99

8 Plasma TV’s • Food & Drink Specials e o

Bucket and Food Specials For All Badger Buckets and Nascar Races!

400 Lang Drive, La Crosse T HE F

20222585jg

(Across From Menards) 784-2242

’S UB

6// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

ARTS

No 'Doubt', LCT play tackles tough issues

The La Crosse Community Theatre began its season rumbling through the mean streets of New York City in its production of “West Side Story,” and the Big Apple again finds itself the backdrop in the LCT’s latest production of the Pulitzer-Prize-winning play “Doubt: A Parable.” And though devoid of finger snapping gangs milling the streets, the production has a few battles of the verbal kind as it delves into questions of truth and faith as a nun battles a priest over accusations of inappropriate behavior with a young male student at a parochial school. For Troy Iverson, who plays the accused Father Brenden Flynn, the play’s refusal to give cut-and-dry answers gives him something interesting to play. “Father Flynn is the only one who knows what really happened,” explained Iverson, “which means I have to start by deciding for myself what the reality is. Then I can begin to sculpt the character and find the flaws or virtues he has that may mislead the audience. No person is all good or all bad, and so the more fully realized I can make Father Flynn, the more uncertainty the audience should have. In a perfect scenario, half the audience will leave arguing with the other half over what really happened.” In a show filled with so much conflict, for Iverson, one of the most interesting things to play is the deep differences between people who, on the surface, share the same belief system.

“Even if there wasn't the question of abuse,” said Iverson, “there would still be a great amount of conflict, because they are offended by the very idea of each other. It gives you a great many levels to play with as they try to expose the core of each other, and then see what they reveal about themselves in the process.” While the show itself deals with the conflicts between two religious figures, Iverson said he found parallels in some real world situations. “There are countless real world examples of this type of conflict, the union fight in Madison, the NFL lockout that's looming, far right and left politicians, etc.,” said Iverson. “These groups will never move forward as long as they cling to their certainty. Only once you begin to doubt the validity of the position you cling to can you begin to evolve as a person or society. I think that's part of what the play is trying to get from the audience. Doubt is an essential part of life.” “Doubt: A Parable” opens this Friday at the La Crosse Community Theatre and runs until the 26th with 7:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday shows and 2 p.m. shows on Sundays. $22 for tickets, $10 tickets available for military or students for Thursday and Sunday shows. For more info, go to www.lacrossecommunitytheatre.org

— Jonathan Majak

The Majak Mixtape By Jonathan Majak jonathan.majak@secondsupper.com Oh March Madness, a monthly sports tradition with a name that can double for what’s going on with Charlie Sheen. How are you doing? We’ve always been a big fan of basketball. At 6’3”, it was the only sport we were decent at in high school gym class, parking underneath the hoop and being the King of Rebounds. Unfortunately, that title has carried over into our dating life. Anyway, as we gear up for the beginning for the traditional basketball bracket craziness that emerges as everybody suddenly becomes some mix of Sports Genius and Nostradamus. In honor of this grand American tradition, we’ve put together this mix we’re calling “The Basketball Mixtapes.” First up is “Every Day is Yours To Win” from the new R.E.M. album “Collapse Into Now.” We have a lot of memories from high school tied up in March Madness simply because it was one of the rare times television

was allowed during study hall as people feverishly flitted between their Algebra homework and filling out their brackets, all with the smell of boiled-to-death hamburgers permeating the cafeteria air. Choosing the right bracket always seems to be a mix of skill for being able to think a few steps ahead, the talent to see weaknesses and strengths, and the luck to have the basketball gods on your side. The next song on our little playlist is “Constant Future” from Parts and Labor’s new album also titled “Constant Future.” There is something relatively pure about the March Madness game as you’re watching a lot of young men perform at their peaks. And sure, there are a lot of shenanigans about how college teams recruit people to come to their schools, as excellently fictionalized in the Spike Lee film “He Got Game,” but there is something a little more magical. A lot of these players know this will be their last grab at the national spotlight so they go for the gold before they end up back in reality, eventually being the dad who gets ejected from their kid’s Little League game for too much passionate yelling. That leads us to our last song “Millions” from the new album from STRFCKR titled “Reptilians.” You have to give credit to all of these guys competing under the bright lights and harsh glare of millions and millions of viewers watching them battle for supremacy.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 7

This is what A+ Checking

looks like.

This is what Altra does for me. No minimum balance. No monthly fees. Altra’s highest dividend rate. Up to $20 ATM refunds every month.

Earn

3.00%

APY*

Open 7 days a week inside Festival Foods, La Crosse

608.787.4500 • www.altra.org *Most people who live, work, worship, or attend school in the area are eligible to join Altra. Membership eligibility required. A+ Checking available for personal accounts only. Use of four free Altra electronic services required to receive dividend and up to $20 per month in ATM fee refunds. Portion of account balance over $25,000 earns 0.50% Annual Percentage Yield (APY). Non-qualifying accounts earn 0.10% APY. ATM fee refunds available for withdrawals from A+ Checking. Dividends calculated and paid each calendar month on daily balance. Rates shown effective 12-01-10; subject to change monthly. Please contact Altra for complete account details. Federally insured by NCUA up to $250,000.

Second Supper

MUSIC

Age had joined forces with say, Everclear or (very) early Weezer, to balance out that sludgy bit of scream-y stoner rock with a lot more, well, catchiness. Lead singer Casey By Jason Crider Virock even sounds a bit like QOTSA frontman Josh Homme, but with a little more of a jason.crider@secondsupper.com pop sensibility. I really dig his style; my only I’m really looking for an opportunity to complaint is that a lot of times on the album write a truly scathing, hate-filled review here, the lyrics are really hard to make out. That’s but La Crosse musicians continue to impress not generally something I complain about, me. I know I’m not the only one feeling the especially considering the amount of metalcburn from this last week of school before ore and hardcore I tend to listen to, but it’s a tiny bit frustrating on this particular record spring break, and I was because, quite frankly, I looking forward to mayreally want to sing along. be being able to take out Aside from that, my pent up aggression the musicianship on on some terrible and The Trouble With You is unfortunate band. Luckpretty rigid all around; it ily the early ‘90s, grungy really shows how close all angst I was building up of the members are and deep down inside me was how much time was put somewhat put at bay by into writing these songs. the late ‘90s, post-grungy Although at rare times rock-inspired album The the songs are a bit stale Trouble With You by and overly formulaic, Midwest indie trio Porcufor the most part this is pine. Porcupine an extremely impressive The emotional turnaround this group made The Trouble With You and enjoyable debut album. I wouldn’t say this me do is essentially the same as the comeback Dave Grohl made is necessarily or purposefully a throwback with the happy, quirky first release from Foo band, but it’s definitely got me digging up Fighters only a year after the death of Nir- my favorite ‘90s artists this past week. I am vana. Bad (although fitting) analogies aside, definitely hoping for many more releases this band has the exact ‘90s alternative feel from Porcupine in the future. I have apparently been unknowingly craving for quite a while, because it’s definitely hit- Porcupine will be playing at JB’s Speakeasy on Friday, March 12 alongside Jettison Never and ting the spot. In the strictest sense, The Trouble Al Grande. The band has promised “a half set of With You comes off exactly like Songs for Pink Floyd-era Barrett tunes.” The show begins at the Deaf would have if Queens of the Stone 10 p.m.

The Majak Mixtape (cont'd) We can’t do karaoke in front of five people and no championship is up for grabs in that scenario. So we here at the Mixtape salute all the basketball players. May your game be on point, may your points be nothing but net and may your pee tests come out clean.

Buy: Kurt Vile’s new album “Smoke Ring For My Halo” YouTube: The Strokes’ video for “Under Cover of Darkness.” Read: Gorilla Vs. Bear music blog http://www.gorillavsbear.net/

Get your daily dose of the Mixtape at the Majak Kingdom blog www.majakkingdom.blogspot.com

March 10, 2011 // 7

8// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

MUSIC

music directory // March 11 to March 17 FRIDAY,

March 11

Minneapolis

JB'SSPEAKEASY // 717 Rose St. Porcupine, Jettison Never, Al Grande (hard rock) • 10 p.m.

population

J MASCIS // APRIL 2 7th Street Entry • $19.50

NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. The Kokopellians, Midnight Farmers, Kool Kidz , U.G.C., Mr. Pistol P (“When Worlds Collide”) • 9 p.m.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE // APRIL 12 First Avenue • $35 RUSKO // APRIL 20 First Avenue • $18.75

PEARL STREET BREWERY // 1401 St. Andrew St.

Nick Shattuck (songwriter) • 5 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Far-Outs (classic rock) • 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Anna Vogelzang, Elliot Arms, La Poema (folk, indie) • 8:30 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Chris Bucheit & Steve Meger (jazz guitar) • 8 p.m.

SATURDAY,

March 12

HOFFERS // 500 Copeland Ave. Abbey Lane and The Backbone (rock) • 9 p.m. JB'SSPEAKEASY // 717 Rose St. Idle Ecstatic, Lustrous Mud, This Could be the Day (hard rock) •10 p.m. NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. Hallowed Ground (hard rock) • 9 p.m. PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Shufflin' Duprees (classic R&B) • 8 p.m. POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Kokopellians (jam grass) • 10 p.m. RED PINES BAR & GRILL // W7305 Hwy Z Don D. Harvey (songwriter) • 8 p.m.

387,970

PERT' NEAR SANDSTONE // APRIL 2 Cabooze • $10

NEUIE'S VARSITY CLUB // 1920 Ward Ave. Three Beers til Dubuque (funk) • 8 p.m.

PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Shufflin' Duprees (classic R&B) • 8 p.m.

just a roadie away

If you're like us, St. Patrick's Day probably has a lot of meanings for you — but you can't remember them all because it mostly means drinking. We have similar thoughts about country & western music, which makes the March 17 show at JB's Speakeasy especially appealing. Owen Mays is a Madison-based country artist who looks to honky tonks and Merle Haggard for inspiration. Those are our kind of role models, too. Although Mays also performs with his band The 80 Proof Boys (pictured), this St. Patrick's Day he'll be at JB’s playing drinking music solo. The fun starts at 10 p.m.

SHER BEARS // 329 Goddard St. The Fab' Baloney Skins (variety) • 8 p.m. THE BODEGA // 122 4th St. Amadans (Irish pub rock) • 9 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Chris Bucheit & Steve Meger (jazz guitar) • 8 p.m.

MONDAY,

March 14

DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Open Jam • 10 p.m. POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Shawn's Open jam • 10 p.m.

TUESDAY,

March 15

THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St. The Atlas Moth, Wolvhammer, Send the Signal (metal, psychedelic) • 7:30 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Dave Orr (open jam) • 10 p.m.

TREMPEALEAU HOTEL // 150 Main St. Ditch Lilies (roots) • 8 p.m.

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. 3rd Relation Jazz Trio (jazz) • 8:30 p.m.

SUNDAY,

March 13

LA CROSSE PUBLIC LIBRARY // 800 Main St. World Music Sampler (Africa, Cuba, Brazil) • 1:30 p.m. POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Sunday Blend (fusion) • 10 p.m.

THE JOINT // 324 Jay St. Adam Palm (acoustic hits) • 6 p.m.

WEDNESDAY,

March 16

BOOT HILL PUB // 1501 St. Andrew St. Jerry Anderson, Neil Duresky (jazz, lounge) • 6:30 p.m.

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Christopher Bell (folk) • 11 a.m.

DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Rich Wooten (rock) • 10 p.m.

SOUTHSIDE NEIGH. CENTER // 1300 S. 6th St.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Paulie (one-man band) • 10 p.m.

Bluegrass Acoustic Jam • 12:30 p.m.

DIDDY DIRTY MONEY // APRIL 23 Epic • $40-$50 TV ON THE RADIO // APRIL 23-24 First Avenue • $19.75

RECOVERY ROOM // 901 7th St. S. Kin Pickin' (jam grass) • 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Scott Cook & Emma Nicholes (folk, Americana) • 8:30 p.m.

THURSDAY,

March 17

4 SISTERS // 100 Harborview Plaza Coulee Celtic Band (Irish) • 6 p.m. JB'SSPEAKEASY // 717 Rose St. Owen Mays (drinking music) •10 p.m. DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Simple Rogues (Irish) • 10 p.m. POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Moon Boot Posse (St. Paddy’s Day celebration) • 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Open Mic Night • 8:30 p.m. THE STARLITE LOUNGE // 222 Pearl St. Kies and Kompanie (jazz) • 5 p.m. THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St. Time and Distance, Of the Fact (pop, rock, emo) • 7p.m.

Second Supper

The Beer Review Perkulator Coffee Dopplebock Dark Horse Brewing Company Marshall, Michigan When I think about coffee beers, and that’s not an uncommon thought, my mind usually wanders to the vast array coffee stouts. Dark, earthy beans are an obvious compliment to stouts’ roasted barley, but thankfully beermakers of the world aren’t all traditionalists when it comes to their morning joe. This was put on clear display when I attended the Get Up 2 Get Down Coffee Beer Tasting at the Root Note this week. There I sampled 11 brews from four countries, and while I enjoyed the smattering of coffee stouts, espresso stouts and milk

stouts, I felt the other styles better captured my attention and my taste buds. Originally I had expected to review the Koppi IPA from the hop-fetishists at Denmark’s Mikkellor Brewery, but their java didn’t steep in this straightforward IPA. Much better, I thought, was the Futhermore Oscura, a Mexican steam lager flaked with maize and whole Nicauraguan coffee beans. The coffee porters also stood up impressively against their stout brethren, but my choice for review is this dopplebock from the always quality Dark Horse Brewing Company in Marshall, Michigan. This happens to be the only lager Dark Horse brews, and the organic Guatemalan coffee adds a nice complexity to the classic German style. So grab your glasses … it’s time for the Perkulator. Purchase: One ticket to a coffee beer

tasting at the Root Note featuring the Dark Horse Perkulator, $20 Style: Dopplebock Strength: 7.5 percent ABV Packaging: Dark Horse held a design contest for its doppelbock but couldn’t decide on one winner, so six-packs come with a random mix of two labels: a 2-headed demon with bat wings or an invasion of spacecraft resembling beer casks. Appearance: The Perkulator is an amber-brown color with a grey head that was minimal on my pour. Aroma: The aroma isn’t especially coffee-heavy. Like most doppelbocks there’s alcohol on the nose, but I also detected hints of ripe pear, sour cream, lots of malts and something like a Werther's hard caramel. Taste: The coffee introduces itself at the

The Best Food & Drink Specials in Town LOCATION

SUNDAY

BODEGA BREW PUB

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

$2 BBQ Pork Sliders

2-Fers, Buy any regularly priced food item and get one of equal or lesser value for free

$4 Rueben Sliders

$1 Wells, $5 Domestic pitchers All specials 9 p.m. to close

Wristband Night: AUC2D: $5, 15-cent wings, $1.50 Keystone domestic taps, rail mixers, Long Lights, $1.50 rail mixers; $2.50 call Islands. All specials 9 p.m. to close drinks. 2 For 1 Captains All specials 9 p.m. to close.

122 4th St. 782-0677

BROTHERS

CLOSED

306 Pearl St. 784-0522

CARLIE'S ON THIRD

CLOSED

115 3rd St. S 782-7550

EAGLES NEST

$5 domestic pitchers

1914 Campbell Road 782-7764

FEATURES

W3923 State Highway 16 786-9000

FISH'S BAR & GRILL

Bar Menu

CLOSED

FLIPSIDE PUB & GRILL

IMPULSE

214 Main St. 782-6010 www.impulseoflacrosse.com

JB’S SPEAKEASY 717 Rose St. 796-1161

SCHMIDTY’S 3119 State Road 788-5110

SLOOPY'S ALMA MATER

5 domestic taps for $1; $2 domestic pitchers

SATURDAY

Fish Tacos: 1 / $2.50, 2 / $5.00, 3 / $6.50. Wristband Night: AUC2D, Domestic $1 Bazooka Joes, $2 Cherry Bombs, $1 Bazooka Joes, $2 Cherry Bombs, taps, rail mixers and Long Islands. $3 Long Islands, $3 3 Olives Mixers $3 Long Islands, $3 Bacardi Mixers $2.50 SoCo & Jack. All specials 9 to close. All specials 9 to close. All specials 9 to close. $2 domestic pints and $2 rail mixers; $1 shots of Doctor (3 flavors);

All specials 9 to close.

$3 Bacardi mixers; $3 Three Olives vocka mixers (8 flavors); $2 domestic pints and $2 rail mixers

Taco buffet 11-2; $1 Pabst bottles and $1 bowling after 9

All you care to eat pizza buffet, 11-2 (Holmen)

All you care to eat fish fry 4-10; un- Prime rib dinner 4-10; limited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99 unlimited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99

Bar Menu

La Crosse's Best Tacos: Beef $2, Chicken $2.50

La Crosse's Best Tacos: Beef $2, Chicken $2.50 Dog in a Diaper, $5

Fish’s Fish Taco $3.50

La Crosse's Best Tacos: Beef $2, Chicken $2.50 Chimis and Burritos, $5

9 p.m. to close: $1.25 rails, $1.75 bottles/cans

9 p.m. to close: $2 Captain mixers, $2 bottles/cans, $3 Jager bombs

9 p.m. to close: $2 Bacardi mixers, $2 domestic pints, $1.50 shots blackberry brandy

Free Wing Night (while supplies last); $5 AUC2D wristbands: domestic taps, rail mixers, Long Islands, 9 p.m. to close ($7 after 11p.m.):; live DJ

$5 AUC2D Wristbands 9 p.m. to close ($10 after 11p.m.): Domestic Taps, Rail Mixers, Long Islands; Live DJ, Dancing 9 p.m. to close

Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.

CLOSED

$1.75 domestic bottles, $1.75 Dom Monday Madness: $1.75 domestics bottles and rails, $2.50 Bombs and rails, $2.50 Bombs, $1 off all top shelf and specialty beers $1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.

FRIDAY

Free Beer: 5:30-6:30 p.m. Free Wings: 6:30-7:30 p.m. Free Bowling: After 9 p.m.

Bar Menu

Ladies Night, $1 off all drinks, 4 to All you can eat boneless wings, inclose; Pint-Aritas $3 (lime or straw- cludes a choice of potatoe, slaw and berry) a frosted pint, 4-9:30 p.m., $8.99

Happy hour 4 to 9 p.m.; 9 p.m. to 9 p.m. to close: $3.50 domestic 9 p.m. to close: $1 rails, $2.50 pitch- $5 all you can drink close: Night Before Class - $3 pitch- pitchers ers, beer pong ers of the beast CLOSED

— Adam Bissen

Happy Hour: 2 for 1 domestic bottles Karaoke 9 p.m. to close and rail drinks, 3 p.m. to 9 p.m.

All you can eat wings, includes a Wisconsin cheese steak sandwich choice of potatoe, slaw and a frosted with a pint of beer, $8.99 pint, 4-9:30 p.m., $8.99

400 Lang Drive 784-2242 1125 La Crosse St. 784-7400

CLOSED

THURSDAY

front of the tongue with some harsh earthiness like chipotle peppers. Then it sweetens like a true doppelbock with nice notes of lactose before drying out with crystal malts and a fine coffee acidity at the finish. Mouthfeel: Medium-to-thin bodied Drinkability: This is a pretty strong beer. I’ve never been a huge fan of doppelbocks, so for me the drinkability is low. One tasting glass was plenty. Ratings: BeerAdvocate readers grade this a B+, while RateBeer scores it a 91. In this doppelbock season, I’d recommend it for anyone who wants an interesting take on the style. I haven’t seen this beer readily available around La Crosse, but I heard it can be found with just a little bit of searching.

$1.50 domestic taps and rail drinks, Bird Brain Trivia 8 p.m.; $1.50 do- Wing Night - 25-cent wings (dine- $1.50 domestic bottles and rail 4 p.m. to close mestic bottles and rails 4 p.m. to in only); $1 Miller High Life silos and drinks, $2 craft bottles, 4 p.m. to close PBR silos; $1.50 taps and rail drinks; close $2 craft taps. All specials 4 to close.

1452 Caledonia St. 782-6446

HOWIE’S

March 10, 2011 // 9

YOUR GUIDE TO CONSUMPTION

$5 AUC2D wristbands: domestic taps, rail mixers, Long Islands, 9 p.m. to close; ($7 after 11p.m.): karaoke 10 p.m. to close

Tuesday Boozeday $1 off all liquor Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m. drinks and 50 cents off all shots, $2 Bombs

Hat Night: Buy 1 drink, get 1 free w/ Rail drinks $2 (4:30 to close); Buckets of beer $10, Boston Bobby's Margaritas $4 (Straw, rasp, mango, hat (4:30 to close); $1.50 chili dogs After 8 p.m. specials: $5 skewer of drummies 10 for $2 (4:30 to close), peach and reg); After 8 p.m. specials: (after 8 p.m.) shrimp,l $1.79 burger, $1.50 chili dogs $1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) $5 skewer of shrimp, $1.79 burger $1.89 hamburger + toppings Ladies Fish Dinner Special-$7.89 night, 2 for 1 drinks (6-close), Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m. Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m.

$1.50 Tacos, $4.99 nachos; $11 buckets during pro and college football games.

Wristband night, $2 cherry bombs, $3 Bacardi mixers & $4 wristbands 50¢ shots (3 flavors); $2.50 Tuaca, after midnight Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers

$3 Three Olives Mixers & $4 wristbands after midnight

$5 Pitchers/$2 bottles of Miller prod- $1.75 Miller/Bud Light Taps, $2.25 $1.75 Rails, $1.50 Domestic Taps, $2 domestic bottles, $2.50 Skyy/ ucts (11-4pm) $2 Corona Bottles, $2 MIcro/Craft Taps, $2.50 Cherry $3.50 Jager Bombs Absolut mixers, $2 Dr. shots (7-1 Kilo Kai Mixers , $3 Bloodys (7-1 a.m.) Bombs (7-1 a.m.) (7-1 a.m.) a.m.)

5 Domestic Bottles for $10, $5 $2 Captain Mixers, $2. Long Island Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Mixers, $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1 a.m.) a.m.)

$5 Miller/Bud Light Pitchers, $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1 a.m.)

POPCORN TAVERN

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$1.75 PBR Bottles $2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 Grain Belt

$2 Coors & Coors Light Bottles, $2.50 $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans Skyy mixers, $2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

WHO'S ON THIRD

Happy Hour until 10 p.m. $1.50 domestic taps, $2 rails from 10 to close

$1.50 taps PBR, $1.50 rails

$2 domestic bottles, $3 call doubles

$2 taps, $3 Jack and Captain doubles

$2 Miller products, $8.50 fish bowls

163 Copeland Ave. 785-0245

THE LIBRARY 123 3rd St. 784-8020

TOP SHOTS 137 4th St. 782-6622 308 4th St. S. 782-9069

126 3rd St. N. 782-9467

$1.50 Tacos, $4.99 nachos;: $11 Tacos: $11 buckets during pro and 12-inch pizza $8.99 buckets during pro and college foot- college football games. Happy Hour Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m. ball games. 2 to 6 p.m.; $2 pints all day $1 Taps & Rails during the game ; $6 wristbands starting at 7pm.

14-inch pizza, $2 off; Wings Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m.

Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.; lunch buffet 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., $6.99

Half price tequilla, $1 domestic taps K$2 Double rails and all bottles; $3 and rails Double call drinks

$2 domestic taps, $3 Three Olives products

10// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

DIVERSIONS

Maze Efflux

"Yee-Haw!" Riding across six answers

By Erich Boldt By Matt Jones

• La Crosse • Sparta • Richland Center • Prairie du Chien 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 Phone: (608) 782-7001 Online: secondsupper.com Publisher: Roger Bartel roger.bartel@secondsupper.com Editor in Chief: Adam Bissen adam.bissen@secondsupper.com Student Editor: Emily Faeth emily.faeth@secondsupper.com Sales: Mike Keith mike.keith@secondsupper.com Sales: Ansel Ericksen ansel.ericksen@secondsupper.com Sales: Michael Butteris michael.butteris@secondsupper.com Regular Contributors: Amy Alkon, Erich Boldt, Nick Cabreza, Mary Catanese, Brett Emerson, Jake Groteuschen, Shuggypop Jackson, Jonathan Majak, Matt Jones, Carolyn Ryan, Julie Schneider, Anna Soldner, Nate Willer Ralph Winrich Cover illustration by Tommy Orrico Second Supper is a weekly alternative newspaper published by Bartanese Enterprises LLC, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601

Birth Control Services Annual Exams for Women STD Testing & Treatment for Men and Women Pregnancy Testing Emergency Contraception Call for an appointment today!

800.657.5177

Helping create healthy lives and families.

www.optionsclinic.org

ACROSS 1 One who likes to talk 7 Does some unwanted yard redecoration? 10 Feature of some high-tech cell phones 13 Company hawked by Catherine ZetaJones 14 "___ you kidding?" 15 Necklace given upon deplanings 16 Another term for it is "elver" 17 He wrote about Mowgli 19 "___ Out of Control" (Tony Danza movie) 20 Morrissey video compilation that translates to "Listen, Steven" 22 "Top Chef" host

Lakshmi 24 Joltin' Joe's other nickname 25 Addis ___, Ethiopia 28 Actress Summer of "The Cape" 32 Nine-to-five friends 38 "___ been a bad boy" 39 Beatnik interjection 40 River island 41 1977 role for George Burns 42 It's heard while leaving a group 46 Unit of loudness 47 R&B group Bell Biv ___ 48 Throw back in 52 "Dynasty" actress Emma 56 Grain byproduct used in alternative medicines

Answers to March 3 puzzle "Sign of the Times" — But I repeat myself

61 Modern waltz violinist Andre 62 Square-shaped flyer 63 It usually involves reading letters 65 Suffix for "cyan" 66 "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine" singer 67 Pre-show acts 68 Spider egg container 69 Network advertising "the greatest motion pictures of all time" 70 Cliff Huxtable's oldest DOWN 1 Mutual of ___ 2 Like Supreme Court judges 3 Lower than low 4 One may attempt to break it 5 Spread across the Eastern seaboard? 6 Depend (on) 7 George of "Star Trek" 8 Rainbow maker 9 Places for some nose piercings, technically 10 Silver-tongued 11 Actress Elizabeth in "The Incredibles" 12 Part of ASL 13 Abbr. in a recipe 18 Like pin-up models 21 Cheese in a red rind 23 Mushroom cloud maker 26 Out of the office

27 "Molto ___" ("very good," in Verona) 29 Interlockable toy 30 "___ Flux" 31 Arne Duncan's employer, for short 32 Newton fillers 33 Rachael Ray acronym 34 Kings of ___ 35 Fix some potholes 36 "Salt" actor Schreiber 37 Others, in Spanish 43 Leader of The Dominos 44 Old Icelandic saga 45 Like some auto clearance sales 49 Be 50 Upper story 51 It might involve flying or unfamiliar situations 53 Social dance 54 Ben Stiller's mom Anne 55 Total packages? 56 Diamond stat, incorrectly but commonly 57 Talks like this he does 58 Business big shot 59 Business big shots 60 Wrong letter? 64 Suffix for "velvet" ©2011 Jonesin' Crosswords (editor@ jonesincrosswords. com)

Second Supper

March 10, 2011 // 11

THE LAST WORD

The Advice Goddess By Amy Alkon amy.alkon@secondsupper.com Can you hear me now?

I have an online dating issue. When a man and I are going to have our first phone chat, I set up a specific day and time so we don’t have to play phone tag. This allows me to schedule around it and be prepared and at my computer viewing his profile when we talk. I take the man’s number and call him, because I’m not comfortable giving out mine right away. During my several years of online dating, the percentage of guys who aren’t there at the planned time has been about 90. Many never contact me again, even to explain or apologize. — Feeling Very Stood Up A woman can be a little premature in setting up who wears the ball gag in the relationship. Telling somebody they need to talk to you at a specific time might work fine

in business, but because men tend to be wary of controlling women, it’s a risky tactic when you’re vying to maybe become a guy’s girlfriend, not his supervisor. But, here you are, not only setting the call time but informing a guy that he’ll be doing the waiting and you’ll be doing the calling. Very possibly, there’s more in your e-mails that suggests you’re bossy and controlling. If so, for a guy, this can foreshadow a lot of being ordered around by you: “Sit. Stay. Repeat after me, ‘I’d love nothing more than to turn off the playoffs and join you in watching Valerie Bertinelli kill her abusive husband with a shovel in the Lifetime Movie Of The Week.’” The dynamic of Internet dating probably plays a part in your 90 percent noshow rate. Instead of connecting human to human in some chance meeting, it’s the dating equivalent of clicking a box on drugstore.com to add Q-tips to your “basket.” You’re not so much a person as you are a picture of a person, and whether you’ll actually resemble the person pictured remains to be seen. No, you swear, you really are 5’8” and 127 pounds … on Mars. (Here on Earth you’re 317 — if you weigh yourself first thing and don’t put on socks.) Now, maybe you have a peculiar attraction to rude men, but more than likely, you just need to try something new: Relax a little. Give out your number. Not your home number, connected to your address, but the number to your cell or one of those pay-asyou-go phones that isn’t traceable to you.

Should you start getting unwanted calls, put the thing on silent or give it to some wino and tell him to answer it by breathing heavy and asking, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” Instead of trying to wring every bit of uncertainty out of your life, accept that there might be a little phone tag. When you do get on the phone with a guy, step away from the computer and your spreadsheet of questions. Your goal shouldn’t be vacuuming him for data; it should be having fun getting to know him. If you’re having fun, you’ll be more likely to sound like fun — like the sort of woman who keeps the spark in a relationship (and not by tasing the guy whenever he’s a little slow to take out the trash).

Great Dane, you’d better understand and accept that you’re narrowing your choice of men. You might consider whether you have some ulterior motive for putting your dogs between you and these guys. It is easier to have a “relationship” when conversation is “Woof,” “Sit,” and “Treat?” instead of “So why do you think you have issues with intimacy?” It’s possible you’re just one of those intense dog people, like the woman who had her French poodle’s headstone inscribed “Disappointed by humans, never by my dog.” Well, OK. But, I bet she never had a boyfriend who peed on the rug, chewed her expensive shoes, and licked up his own vomit.

Must love dogs in bed

The guy I’m dating says it’s “disgusting” and “troubling” that I let my dogs sleep in the bed with us, and he refuses to stay over unless they sleep on the floor. Trust me, this is not a simple matter of buying my dogs a nice dog bed, but a matter of an otherwise great guy not understanding or respecting my relationship with them. (This happened with the last two guys I’ve dated.) — Two-Dog Night A guy can respect that your dogs are important to you and still feel that the ideal bedmate isn’t something that spent the evening licking a dead squirrel and then going around sniffing all its friends’ butts. If your priorities are such that you’d kick a great guy out of bed before you’d roust a

top shots joke of the week How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men. Check out our new Beers on Tap!

Good People, Good Drinks, Good Times

SUNDAY

$5 Pitchers $2 Bottles of Miller Products (11-4 pm) $2 Corona Bottles $2 Kilo Kai Mixers $3 Bloody’s (7-1am)

MONDAY

$1.75 - Miller/Bud Taps $2.25 Micro/Craft Taps $2.50 Cherry Bombs (7-1am)

TUESDAY

$1.75 Rails $1.50 Domestic Taps $3.50 Jager Bombs (7-1am)

SATURDAY

WEDNESDAY

$2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Skyy/Absolute Mixers $2 Dr. Shots (7-1am)

THURSDAY

5 Domestic Bottles 4 $10 $5 Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1am)

$5 Miller Lite/Bud Light Pitchers $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1am)

FRIDAY

$2 Captain Mixers $2 Long Islands $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1am)

12// March 10, 2011

Second Supper

Switch to any of our Smartphones and save $100. Now at U.S. Cellular —get an outstanding deal on Android -powered Smartphones and up to $600 in credit by following three easy steps: ®

1. buy one

SAMSUNG MESMERIZE a Galaxy S phone for $9999

After $80 mail-in rebate that comes as a Visa debit card. Applicable Smartphone Data Plan required. New 2-yr. agmt. and $30 act. fee may apply. ®

$100

2. get up to five free

credit

LG OPTIMUS U

After $80 mail-in rebates that come as Visa debit cards. Applicable Smartphone Data Plans required. New 2-yr. agmts. and $30 act. fees may apply. $100

credit

$100 $100

credit

$100 $100

credit

GET $100 FOR EACH NEW SMARTPHONE LINE (UP TO $600 IN TOTAL CREDIT) WHEN SWITCHING TO U.S. CELLULAR.

To learn more, visit uscellular.com or call 1-888-BUY-USCC. Things we want you to know: Two-year agreements (subject to early termination fees) required for new customers and current customers not on a Belief Plan. Current customers may change to a Belief Plan without a new agreement. Agreement terms apply as long as you are a customer. $30 activation fee and credit approval may apply. Regulatory Cost Recovery Fee applies; this is not a tax or government-required charge. Additional fees, taxes and terms apply and vary by service and equipment. Promotional phone subject to change. U.S. Cellular Visa Debit Cards issued by MetaBank pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. Allow 10–12 weeks for processing. Card does not have cash access and can be used at any merchant location that accepts Visa debit cards. Card valid for 120 days after issued. Smartphone Data Plans start at $30 per month or are included with certain Belief Plans. Application and data network usage charges may apply when accessing applications. BOG5: Mail-in rebate and activation required on each handset. All handsets must be activated on the same account. Service credit requires new two-year agreement and Smartphone purchase. $100 credit will be applied to your account in $50 increments over two billing periods. Credits will start within 60 days after activation. Account must remain active in order to receive credit. No cash value. Kansas Customers: In areas in which U.S. Cellular receives support from the Federal Universal Service Fund, all reasonable requests for service must be met. Unresolved questions concerning services availability can be directed to the Kansas Corporation Commission Office of Public Affairs and Consumer Protection at 1-800-662-0027. Android and the Android Robot are trademarks of Google, Inc. Trademarks and trade names are the property of their respective owners. Other restrictions apply. See store or uscellular.com/project for details. Limited-time offer. ©2011 U.S. Cellular.