CAF
THE “MUSTANG” WHOOPEE CUSHION FIASCO
WARNING! Side effects may include: brain death, normal death, realizing you have nothing to live for, getting divorced, inexplicable crying...
SDA teachers were interviewed by a private investigator after the unraveling of an elaborate whoopee cushion prank. By Simmone Stearn
U
pon arrival to school on April 1st, April Fool’s Day, every teacher found that a whoopee cushion had been inserted into their desk chair cushion. They were made aware of the foreign object’s existence when they sat down and a fart sound originated from their chairs. The whoopee cushions were skillfully inserted into the chairs, as no lacerations on the seat cushions could be found. SDA Principal Ahem Comeatchu hired a private investigator to find out who inserted these whoopee cushions. Rumors have been circulating that it was not, unlike initial belief, a student. Rather, the act is now believed to have been carried out by a teacher. “All of us [teachers] were competing in a sort of unofficial prank war this April Fools. We were competing for the title of ‘Prankster Beast,’” said history teacher Kelpy Hahkids. “But whoever did this took it too far. Luckily, for me, no one was in my classroom when I sat down at my chair this morning, but I have no clue how to
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remove the whoopee cushion without ripping up the seat cushion. I’ve been standing all day. All day!” The private investigator began meeting with teachers yesterday morning, collecting alibis and clues. The first teacher to be interviewed was Spanish teacher Shohn Floid who claimed it could not have been him, as he was up late editing and uploading a video of him doing the Fortnite dance challenge to YouTube. “I think it’s so silly we’re all getting interviewed like this. They were treating me like I was a criminal! I’ve never done anything wrong in my life.” In response to complaints from teachers, Assistant Principal Sellest BarnNet held a meeting with SDA faculty to explain the importance of finding the culprit: “We don’t want to go pointing fingers and we don’t want to have to bring a private investigator in, but we also don’t want our chairs to sound like big farts,” she said “We’re doing this to ensure the safety of our teachers here at SDA. Farts, you know, can be silent, but
deadly. If you smell something, say something.” The teachers at the meeting reluctantly nodded, as it is common belief that a fart is a threat. In the meantime, all of the afflicted chairs have been replaced by basketballs, as the school did not have enough funding to fix the old chairs and to pay for new ones and there is currently a district-wide yoga ball shortage. This has sparked new complaints from teachers. Teachers are complaining that they are uncomfortable and unreasonably small and cannot be a substitute for a chair. “Basketballs are not chairs,” said history teacher Kheari Choduh. English teacher Robhurt Rhoss
has encountered a different problem. “Yesterday, I got up from my basketball to help a student and when I got back to my desk, it was gone. Two of my students started playing pass and they wouldn’t give it back. We played monkey in the middle for 45 minutes. I didn’t win.” The investigation has since been moving forward. “We’ve been finding some major clues,” said Comeatchu. “Yesterday, an isolated whoopee cushion was found in a drawer in Truckdena’s room. He claims it was for ‘fun’ and that ‘fart-sound-gen-
erating devices can be considered useful for teaching physics.’” Chemistry teacher Fuss Dayvidsun claimed he had seen the whoopee cushion, but wasn’t sure if it would be considered evidence. He said, “I knew something smelled fishy,” to which Truckdenas responded: “Whoever smelt it dealt it.” The private investigator has yet to follow up on this lead so, for now, SDA teachers must stick with their basketballs. “I just hope they find who did it soon and make them pay for new chairs or for fixing the old ones,” Said Choduh, “because, like I said, basketballs are not chairs, I mean come on, people. They’re not chairs.”
MARCH 2019