How to be Human Hailey Thielen Human /’(h)y o͞ o mən/ Definition: A bipedal primate mammal. Also known as: Earthlings, People, Comrades, Individuals, Sentient parasites. Step One: Be Born In order to be human, you have to be born somewhere. Luckily your options are limited to one planet and one planet only. It’s the one located in the Milky Way Galaxy, approximately 27,000 lightyears from the Galactic Center, the planet known as Earth. The Earth, as you know, was formed during the Hadean period. During this period, the Earth was pelted with asteroids and other space gobbledygook. During the Paleozoic era, humans emerged from some pond scum that decided to get smart, sprout some legs, and walk on land. Humans have since raped and pillaged and plundered their way across the globe settling into exotic foreign lands, like Cleveland, for example. Humans are made out of blood and guts and a little bit of MSG. You will have an organ called a brain. This is what separates you from the other species of Earth, at least that’s what you’d like to think. Only a small percentage of humans use their brains. The rest use it to watch reality TV. Humans have used their brains to do many things: Go to the moon. Enslave other humans. Blow themselves up. Create jingles for brands of breakfast cereal. How you use your brain is up to you, use it wisely. The place you will be born into is called a country. Countries are imaginary lines drawn by humans that humans like to fight over. 78
Upper Mississippi Harvest