6 minute read
Interview: Morag Millar
Mother of all battles
Morag winning fi ght against post-birth trauma and self-doubt
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By Katy Barden
It is commonly said that comparison is the thief of joy. That comparison may be to a previous version of yourself, or it may be to others.
Former European junior and Commonwealth Youth Games 1500m champion Morag Millar refers to a race early in her pregnancy – an East League Cross Country fi xture in Broxburn – when she overheard comments that she was quite far down the fi eld and not having good day.
It hit her hard. Although she fi nished second, the reality of her performance, in particular how she felt, was far removed from her expectation. She compared it to her previous self.
‘Looking back, I know this sounds terrible as some people have it a lot worse during pregnancy than I did, but it was actually the breathlessness that was really stark initially,’ says the Central AC athlete, a multiple Scottish national champion.
‘I just found running pretty hard. Even when I got to a bigger size, I didn’t actually fi nd the running that much harder. It sounds ridiculous, but my actual size wasn’t the issue - biomechanically I was still able to move ok - it was the breathlessness.’
‘Millar’s experience of running through pregnancy was, at times, challenging, but labour, birth and the months that followed tested her mentally and physically.
‘I was totally complacent’ she laughs, referring to her ‘planned’ return to running.
‘I just thought that because I’d been able to keep on running (throughout pregnancy) then I’d be fi ne.’
She wasn’t. After a fi ve-day labour fi lled with intense pain and sleepless nights compounded by an epidural disconnect and being unable to have morphine due to the risk of respiratory depression, in addition to the baby being positioned back-to-back an episiotomy and eventual assisted delivery with only gas and air for pain relief, Mollie was born on Thursday 4 June weighing a healthy 8lbs 3oz.
‘It felt like I was being ripped apart,’ she recalls.
Following labour, Millar had a paravaginal haematoma as a result of the tough delivery. It became infected and she required readmission for IV antibiotics. She says it’s the worst pain she’s ever experienced.
Her community midwife later told her the vast majority of fi rst time mums who have a back-to-back baby have a Caesarean section.
‘She said I should be really proud of myself’
says Millar, who, you get the sense, rarely applauds her own efforts.
Fortunate to have a garage equipped with cross trainers, including an elliptical which reduces the risk of impact injuries, Millar commenced her return to fi tness at around four weeks postpartum.
A couple of weeks later – by chance rather than design – she tried her fi rst ‘run’.
‘I was out a walk and had to rush back for a patient (Millar runs a facial aesthetics clinic, in addition to working part-time as a dentist and on Covid vaccinations)
‘That was at about six weeks and it felt alright, so I thought I’d try a wee run. By run, I mean 10 x 1min walk/jog and the jog wasn’t even a jog, I was tip-toeing, I was leaking and it felt horrible. That’s when I knew. I think I might have tried two consecutive days, but I thought ‘this isn’t right’, I felt like my insides were going to fall out.
‘I contacted Eilidh (Doyle). I knew she’d seen a pelvic health physio and I asked if she’d recommend her. She (the pelvic health physio) assessed me and she was really honest – she said I’d have to work really hard but I’d get there in the end, I’d just have to be patient.
‘The thing was: I felt so damaged and so not ok that I thought ‘what if I’m never back to normal?’cWhen she said I’d have to work hard I thought ‘that’s fi ne, I can do this’, and it was actually a big relief as I’d felt totally lost and really down.’
Millar’s experience has led her to become a passionate supporter of women’s postnatal care.
‘It’s so important that everyone has a pelvic health exam after six weeks,’ she says. ‘In France they do it as routine, it’s part of antenatal and postnatal care. But it’s not routinely done here. I wouldn’t have known if hadn’t been for someone contacting me on social media after seeing my Instagram posts about my pregnancy and running in pregnancy and the issues I was having so I feel very fortunate.’
‘It’s good that people are talking about it more. Plenty of people have run and come back to running after giving birth, so why have people not been talking about it before now? It’s like periods and REDS: people are becoming more aware.’ weeks old.
She started with one mile, then a day off, then two miles, and a day off. It was slow progress, but it was positive. Most importantly, she was in one piece.
Prior to a heavy fall at the end of January, Millar was running 70 miles per week. She sets her own training, which alongside crucial pelvic fl oor exercises, includes morning buggy runs with Mollie, evening solo runs, Thursday tempo, Saturday session and a Sunday long run - but her husband Lewis is a key to making it happen.
‘Lewis has been really supportive – it helps when you have a partner that understands.
‘I think I forget the progress that I’ve made and I get a bit impatient. He’ll remind me how far I’ve come. When I fell, I was totally freaking out, I felt like I was getting back to how I was and Lewis said to me, ‘I think you were getting fi t very fast, so maybe it was a good thing’. I wasn’t sure about that.
With so few races scheduled but major events, including the 2022 Commonwealth Games in Birmingham, gaining prominence, Millar can afford to build steadily.
She admits her history of trying to achieve qualifying times isn’t good, but she has confi dence in her racing ability and believes that the Commonwealth Games 5000m qualifying time of 15:46.86, just short of her road PB of 15:49, is possible.
Millar’s husband Lewis is her voice of reason, and with social media providing positivity as well as unhealthy points of comparison, he keeps her on track, both literally and fi guratively.
‘The problem with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confi dence,’ wrote poet Charles Bukowski.
It resonates with Millar. She’s honest and brave and has already overcome some of the toughest physical and mental challenges she’ll ever face, including opening up about trauma that has given her nightmares. But now it’s personal. She has to believe in herself.
*To keep up to date with Morag Millar’s progress, in addition to tips and advice (particularly related to getting back to running after having a baby), check out her Instagram @moragmmillar scottishathletics
