of the parents, thankfully, affirmed the “feeling” that the teen expressed about not having friends but let her know that it did not negate the fact that she made a choice to violate the curfew and would be held accountable for this. I was so thankful that these parents saw through this emotional tactic (martyrdom). It’s your consistency on following through with consequences that fosters an environment of predictability, which in turn contributes significantly to stability in the home. When kids become emotional regarding consequences, and they will, it’s important to validate the emotions.
Doing this does not mean we remove the consequences. Validate their feelings all the while holding them accountable for the age appropriate choices. Principle #4: Kids want to be loved, unconditionally. Parenting is a process of degrees. Our kids will make choices that leave us feeling proud, affirmed and encouraged. They will also say and do not-so-good things that will leave us dumbfounded. I am reminded of the mother of triplets who was asked in a weak moment, “If
you had to do it all over again would you?” To which she replied, “Yes, I just wouldn’t have the same ones.” Regardless of what choices kids make they have a need to know, feel and believe that our love for them is unconditional. This is conveyed through our actions and words. While it is true that, at times, we may not like our child’s choices, they have the freedom to make them. Loving our children unconditionally doesn’t mean we disregard the not-so-good choices they make. We lovingly hold them accountable, all the while assuring them that our desire for them is to be independent of us.
Parenting with Love and Logic
By Carmine Filice, Paula Huggins and George Bach, Intermediate School Counselors When the moment comes for a child to merrily make his or her way off to college, all parents wonder if their kids are truly prepared for the “real” world. Most parents take their jobs seriously and would do anything humanly possible to ensure that they raise responsible kids. Why? Because we love our kids, of course. It is all done in the name of love! But have parents ever considered that the way we show this love can get us into trouble? How do parents appropriately equip their children to move from total dependence to independence in a mere 18 years?
It was with these concerns in mind that the counseling team in the Intermediate School elected to present the “Parenting with Love and Logic” workshops, aiming to provide parents with some practical, hands-on skills that they could apply to facilitate a non-confrontational parenting style that achieved the desired outcome: less stress for both parents and children. “Love and Logic” is a philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. based on their combined experience of over 75 years working with and raising kids. It provides simple and practical techniques to help parents experience less stress and more fun while raising responsible kids. Love and Logic offers many useful techniques that parents can apply within the family setting. The aim is to raise responsible children who make smart choices in life and are resilient and confident in rising to the challenges of adult life, and most importantly, to enable the maintenance of an ongoing positive relationship between parents and offspring. Based on a best-selling book by Cline and Fay, the Love and Logic approach teaches parents: • to share control by offering choices • to use empathy to bond with their child • to set clear limits using enforceable statements rather than threats or lectures • to neutralize arguments before power struggles develop • to encourage the child to develop tools for problem solving • to become a “consultant” parent By using the techniques set out in the program, research has shown that the child’s self-concept is preserved and enhanced, that children learn how to own and solve problems they create or face, share control and decision making with their parents, and that high levels of warmth and empathy build the parent-child relationship. The Intermediate School counselors were quite surprised by the interest this workshop generated. Within two weeks of its announcement, 70 parents were registered, and many more were on a waiting list. Acting as facilitators, the counselors presented the core concepts in four sessions with entertaining video clips, group discussions, practical exercises and weekly readings. The discussions were engaging, heart-felt and enlightening, reflecting the parents’ sincere desire to improve the quality of their daily interactions with their children. From the post-course feedback forms, 95% of the parents indicated that they had gained practical parenting tools they could implement in their homes. The “Love and Logic” workshops offered parents an approach that seeks to develop a positive attitude toward parenting combined with the practical skills needed to raise a responsible child in today’s complex and challenging society. If you would like to learn more about Love and Logic, please visit www.loveandlogic.com. SAS NewsFlash – May 2009
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