8 | DECEMBER
21 – 28 | 2012
W W W. S A N TA B A R B A R A S E N T I N E L .CO M
It'sCrimetime... ...with the SBPD
A variety of crimes are committed every day in Santa Barbara; most of these crimes are petty but they do offer a window into if not the soul of the perpetrator, at least his or her thought process. Our following (and totally unsolicited) thoughts, observations, and comments are put forth for your consideration.
Another Grassy Knoll
W
e’ll set the record straight at the outset: The Sentinel is decidedly anti-conspiracy theory and conspiracy theorist. We’ve seen the documentaries about 9/11 and JFK and the bankers and the fiat currency and the roots of Christianity in paganism (or, more curiously, as a Roman invention) and peak oil and, while some of the information they provide is very interesting, we typically find ourselves walking away scratching our heads. We’re just not convinced that they all fit together into some tortured Byzantine plot to explain why the wealthy and governmental elite (redundant, we know) have killed innocent citizens to cause mass hysteria in a concerted effort to hold onto money and power. It just doesn’t add up. Maybe the answer is simpler. Maybe there was no other gunman on or behind the grassy knoll. Maybe Neil Armstrong really did walk on the moon! And maybe our own government didn’t commit unbelievable atrocities for the benefit of a few insane rich guys. No, we don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories here at the Sentinel. We’re no lunatic fringe group. We’re just a free weekly newspaper trying our best to build community and give back to a place we love tremendously. So why are they after us?
The Man Is Watching CRIME: A Sentinel editor was driving from SBPD on Figueroa to Santa Barbara City Hall
on Anacapa – just a few short blocks – at around 1:40 pm on Tuesday, December 18, when he was pulled over inside a parking garage by an officer (who was riding a motorcycle, and presumably not wearing a seatbelt); our esteemed editor was ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt… inside a parking garage. After providing a valid California driver’s license (including proof of address change with the DMV), current registration and proof of insurance, he was issued a ticket for failing to belt up. (Can you say Peter Lance?)
OBSERVATION: The traffic stop was made in the parking garage on Ortega, behind Dargan’s and the Habit. The officer left his lights on and flashing in a brilliant display for all to see throughout the entirety of the experience, making quite a show out of giving somebody a seatbelt ticket. The irony of the whole thing was that there were two disheveled young men with a rough-looking dog sitting on the ground just outside the lot smoking what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette – it certainly smelled like one – for the duration of the stop. Either Officer Frank Poncherello was severely nasally congested or he was fine ignoring the pot-smokers just fifty feet away. Our editor did not point the young men out. COMMENT: Over the past couple months, we’ve developed a pattern. We go to SBPD each and every Tuesday to take notes on the media stack – an aggregation of police arrests and other reports – for this very column, then we drive down to City Hall for the weekly City Council meeting. Apparently, they’ve been watching, recording our pattern, waiting for the right moment to hit us. Yeah sure, this week it was an innocuous little seatbelt ticket but what will next week bring? And the week after? They’re plotting against us, we know it, we can feel it. But we won’t back down. They don’t scare us. We’re going to fight that ticket.
Big Brother Is Watching, Too CRIME: An 18-year-old Santa Barbara resident attempted to steal a bottle of Ciroc vodka from a local store. He was caught by store personnel as he walked out the door, but was able to run away. He was eventually apprehended by SBPD, though, and arrested for commercial burglary and vandalism. OBSERVATION: So, if he ran and got away, how did the cops catch him? And why the
vandalism charge? It turns out that the kid left his backpack at the scene. All it contained was the bottle of vodka and a cell phone. SBPD searched the backpack, found the phone, unlocked it, saw the owner’s name in a pre-filled Facebook log-in screen, searched DMV records and ultimately discovered the young man’s name, driving history and everything else about him. They also found over 50 images on the cell phone depicting prolific graffiti “tags” around town (thus the vandalism charge).
COMMENT: Wow. And we’re all worried about Smart Meters. Try cell phones and Facebook and internet searches and online shopping and banking and every single other thing you do with your computer or tablet or cell phone or whatever. They are watching, man, seriously, and there is nothing you can do about it. And they are even better than the cops – they don’t even need your cell phone to get loads of information about you and your family. They can look you up on their database and know all. They can steal your identity or erase it. They can take your money. They can take over your life without ever coming within fifty miles of you. Be vigilant!
Conspiracy Of Drunken Fools Editor-in-Chief • Matt Mazza Design/Production • Trent Watanabe Advertising/Sales • Tanis Nelson • Sue Brooks Contributing Partners Opinion • sbview.com Sports • Presidiosports.com Santa Barbara Skinny • LoveMikana.com Columnists Goleta Girl • Jana Mackin She Has Her Hands Full • Mara Peters Plan B • Briana Westmacott The Dish • Wendy Jenson Journal Jim • James Buckley Real Estate • Michael Calcagno Commercial Corner • Austin Herlihy The Weekly Capitalist • Jeff Harding Man About Town • Mark Leisure Published by SB Sentinel, LLC, Tim Buckley, Publisher PRINTED BY NPCP INC., SANTA BARBARA, CA Santa Barbara Sentinel is compiled every Friday 133 EAST DE LA GUERRA STREET, #182, Santa Barbara 93101 How to reach us: 805.845.1673 E-MAIL: matt@santabarbarasentinel.com
CRIMES: An interesting array of seemingly disparate arrests was made over the weekend – but there’s more than meets the eye. Can you see what’s happening here? A 48-year-old mansient was moderately intoxicated and “stated that he would do anything to go to jail, including running into traffic naked.” He was arrested and brought to jail. A lightly intoxicated 47-year-old Goleta resident was found bashing his head into a wall on upper State, repeating that he “wanted to hurt someone.” He was arrested. A 20-year-old SB resident was found with a bottle of gin and immediately admitted to SBPD that he had stolen it. He was arrested. A 37-year-old SB man was moderately intoxicated and was “trying to start fights with minorities.” He was arrested. Finally, a 52-year-old Mesa man nearly sideswiped a moving cop car while “changing lanes.” SBPD hit the lights and sirens and followed the man for six whole blocks until he pulled over. He blew at 0.3 (wow) and was arrested and taken to jail for DUI and evading. (Evading might be a little much here – the guy was so drunk he probably didn’t even know the cops were behind him.) OBSERVATION: Do Not Pass Go; Go Directly To Jail. What’s that? You don’t see what’s happening here? Running into traffic naked just to get thrown into jail? Slamming your own head into a wall? A minor admitting that he stole a bottle of gin before he was even asked? Picking fights with “minorities” and other members of the protected classes? Sideswiping a police car? C’mon people, every one of the abovementioned miscreants did something bad enough to be thrown into jail, but not so bad that any one of them would spend any real time in the slammer. They were obviously in search of a clean bed, free Cable TV or The Movie Channel, three squares, maybe medical attention. And, let’s be honest, it’s been cold out there. Nothing like a centrally heated jail cell on a damp and chilly Santa Barbara night. So, remember our holiday admonition: be nice… but be vigilant! COMMENT: It’s all connected. There are forces at work all around you seeking to influence
your behavior and decision-making. Don’t fall for it. And don’t tell anybody, but we have built a secret bunker and have stuffed it full of food, fuel, and Kool Aid. Come join us…take a sip. Merry Christmas everybody. (Is your family plotting against you in the other room? Be vigilant!)