6 | N OV E M B E R
8 – 15 | 2013
W W W. S A N TA B A R B A R A S E N T I N E L .CO M
It'sCrimetime... ...with the SBPD
A variety of crimes are committed every day in Santa Barbara; most of these crimes are petty but they do offer a window into if not the soul of the perpetrator, at least his or her thought process. Our following (and totally unsolicited) thoughts, observations and comments are put forth for your consideration.
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20-year-old Santa Barbara man caused a large enough disturbance in a State Street restaurant one evening last week that employees ran out on to the sidewalk and actually flagged officers down. (It takes a lot for restaurant workers to do something like that. Seriously.) SBPD immediately saw that the young man had “dilated pupils,” “odd and unusual speech patterns” and a “lack of convergence.” (That’s a failure of the eyes to move closer together as an object gets closer to the middle of the face. Think kids making themselves crossed-eyed by toughing their index fingers to their noses and giggling uncontrollably.) All of these symptoms are consistent with those that might be exhibited by a person under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug. Like, ah, we don’t know, ‘shrooms or acid or something. When officers asked the man whether he had ingested any such drugs, he responded, “Horse dog pretty colors geometric skeleton death.” Then he started licking the squad car’s bumper while petting a fire hydrant and sweating profusely.
You Can Lead a Horse (That’s High on Ecstasy) to Water… A 33-year-old local man staggered up to officers in front of a (different) restaurant on State Street and demanded that they arrest him immediately near midnight one night last week. The cops tried to walk away but he blocked their path and repeated his demand. This rather strange sequence of events went on for some time. Eventually, restaurant management asked everybody to please move on since the whole (ridiculous) scene was causing a disturbance for patrons. Eureka! The man refused to leave, instead staring officers down and demanding, “Take me in.” He finally got what he wanted all along and was arrested for public intoxication. A search incident to arrest revealed some ecstasy in his pocket. Which, naturally, the man accused SBPD of planting on him. Classic.
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CRIME TIME QUOTE OF THE WEEK “No, I’ll see you in court.” - A drunken and slurring 25-year-old man to officers in response to the dreaded “In Case of Emergency Notify” question – which was apparently seriously misunderstood – just after he was arrested for sending offensive and threatening text messages and kicking his roommate’s door down for no apparent reason.
Meth Cycling Morons A 39-year-old transient man on a bike rolled through a Westside stop sign and was stopped by SBPD for a traffic violation. He failed a bunch of field sobriety tests and was arrested for being under the influence of drugs; then officers found a bent spoon and syringes filled with meth in his pocket. Oops. Another meth user did it again. There was at least one other biker arrested for meth possession and related charges (including a felony warrant). We’ll spare you the details. (Actually, you pretty much already know them if you’ve been reading this column for the past month.) What can we say, meth-freaks? We warned you to stop getting high and biking around with that crap on you. It’s a bust.
We Need More Transient Male Public Nudity and Defecation A 39-year-old homeless man in Plaza del Mar – you know, the plaza down by the sea? – was seen by SBPD not wearing his pants last week. Officers approached to find him highly intoxicated (surprise!) and uncooperative, especially when they asked him to put his pants back on. (He’d pooped in them earlier, so that was a little uncomfortable.) He was eventually arrested for public intoxication. Oh, and he had two $10,000 felony warrants. Hey kids, want to go to the park?
Rosa Boys Haven’t Changed Much in Twenty Years SBPD responded to a disturbance call on the Mesa late one night last week. Officers pulled up to a house in their squad car, got out, identified themselves and approached two 18-year-old young men holding beers near the front door. When the drunk kids finally realized what was happening, they threw down their brews and took off running. One wasn’t caught. The other was. He had two twelve-ounce MGDs in his pockets and was from the great City of Santa Rosa, boyhood home to Editor-in-Chief Matt Mazza. Hey Matt, we hear that lots of young men from Santa Rosa behave this way. Is it true? (Editor’s Note: That is patently ridiculous. Young men from Santa Rosa are of the highest quality and caliber and I am personally offended by your insinuating remarks. We only drank mind-bogglingly big numbers of Keystone Lights out of obscenely large beer bongs. (That’s a joke.) I need new Crime Time writers. (That’s not.) – MSM)
What Happened? An upstanding 50-year-old Santa Barbara man was dropped off at the downtown police station by a cab after he couldn’t remember his address. He also couldn’t remember how many drinks he’d had or that he’d staggered into a cab in the first place, and he only realized that he’d been arrested when he woke up the next morning laying on the floor of the drunk tank, spooning with an incarcerated and rather intoxicated transient man and staring at a dry baloney on white that had been tossed his way. Classy.
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