Crush Caroline Bruckner
T
Victoria Byers
The wind breathed in the leaves and the sun glittered in your eyes and I said it. The earth sang its ancient song and my heart sang with it and I said it. A car drove past and a woman walked by and a child wailed like mad and I saw a cloud the shape of God above your head and I said it. The city turned sweet and I had the taste of blood in my mouth and I felt beautiful and I said it. I had never said it loudly, not even when I was alone in front of the mirror in the bathroom. The words had poured out of a mysterious and dark part of myself like fireflies coming out of shadows. What had felt sacred and joyful inside the dreamy night of me turned out to sound small and trivial out in the bright open. The problem with telling a person is this: immediately you will have the truth sit in your lap. Stare you in the face. Slap your shoulder regretfully. I had probably known – who was I to be loved by someone like him? And still, the glances across empty wine
bottles? The touches as if by mistake right at the top of my hips. The way he had thrown his head back at my poor attempts at guessing the right answer on Trivial Pursuit. Xavier. The crooked nose and slanted smile. The slightly tired look on his face that suddenly sparkled with mirth and that loud, almost girlish giggle. He was an artist and a musician and the most wonderful creature I had ever had the pleasure of stumbling upon. There had been a party. There had been temporary blackouts brought on by various substances; there had been some accidental dancing, and then there had been me crashing on the couch, someone’s dirty shoe pressed against my chin. The next morning, while feeling the very best part of me had been lost in the toilet the night before, I fell over this lifeless body on the floor. “Ouch! Those were my nuts!” came the wail as I hit the carpet and all its goodies.
“I am so sorry!” I rubbed my eyes. The world a sickening blur, my eyes met his, and that was it. Have you heard that thing about the two violins? If you play one string on one violin, the violin next to it will vibrate the same string? God was playing on Xavier and as soon as I was close to him, I started vibrating with him. I was used to being one of life’s standers-by, but with Xavier I felt as if I was finally stepping into the center of the pulsating universe. I was nothing but a common sales girl folding one T-shirt after the other, over and over again, while teenagers with perfectly skinny little bodies in scuba shorts ripped them open again just to toss them aside one second later. I was trying hard to not scream. I was trying hard to not let into myself the mind-numbing pop, the frustrated crowds, the senseless merrygo-round of it. Working in a store was something my successful brother felt beneath someone associated with him. Once he came into the store with a
The Red Queen
wet plate collodian and digital photographs 20
SANSKRIT
VOLUME 47
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