San Juan Horseshoe 2011 Spring Edition

Don’t Trust Anyone over 12 Inspired by Actual Events

Bi-Annual, Fully-Hyphenated, Self-Help Issue

Sprang 2011

Emergency Exit – Page 6 Jokerville’s Evening Wrap

Page 2 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

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Spring 2011 âœŚ San Juan Horseshoe âœŚ Page 3

POLKA BAND CULPRIT IN RECORD SNOWS

[ Crested Butte ]

Weather analysts here are blaming a local polka band for disturbing seasonal patterns resulting in massive snowfall in the Elk and West Elk Ranges. The finger pointing, deemed silly at first, may have some merit after all.

The band, The Wandering Kaplanskis, known for a boisterous Croatian polka revue, has performed in town each week since December 5. Their shows have been monitored since early February due to concerns that renditions of Beer Barrel Polka and She’s Too Fat for Me have mysteriously triggered snowstorms.

Each time these songs are played the clouds gather. Then the snow falls.

Most of these big dumps would have gone to the north or south but, according to weather experts, the polka rhythms have attracted the moisture and thereby seduced the storms into our region. Before the winter ends some 300 inches are expected while the jet stream taps its toes

to Walt Solek’s Hey, Hey Farmer Grey and Jimmy Dorsey’s Licorice Stick Polka. “The Kaplanskis played Ouray in early February and the town got three feet of powder the next afternoon,� said one of the monitoring parties. “We have known for many years that too much bass can bring on thunder storms and certain high-pitched instruments can generate wind but nobody has ever examined polka tunes and their affect on snow levels,� said a statement from the Lunar Whether Service in North Pole Park.

Back in January, the Kaplanskis did a benefit concert in Silverton and the town awoke to 34 inches the next morning. “We cannot afford to ignore the connections,� said a weather person at a local TV station. “Who will pay the piper when the sun comes out and Grand Junction ends up in Utah.�

Other state weather broadcasters, still stinging from accusations that they systematically recycle atmospheric reports, called for the Kaplanskis to perform in often drought-ridden Eastern Colorado. They project that a monthly polka dance could encourage beneficial storms there.

Meanwhile in Crested Butte CD sales are up and the snow falls down every time the band plays. “We’re running out of places to put it,� said one town employee, and I cannot get Frankie Yankovic’s Hoop-DeeDoo out of my head from last night. “God help us if this turns into karaoke.�

At present experts have isolated several polka songs deemed potentially harmful to the cosmic flow. Included are The Bird Dance (The Emeralds), The Blue Skirt Waltz (Jimmy Sturr) and The Doghouse Polka (Babe Wagner).

The Who Stole the Keishka is suspected in recent avalanche activity while The Grab Your Balls We’re Going Bowling Polka has been negatively associated with crude seismic disturbances. “If we could just get them to stop playing the heavier accordion renditions we might be all right,� said an analyst. “We are sensitive to the rich Eastern European tradition that exists in Crested Butte but we’re getting covered up.

Maybe an occasional infusion of salsa music would help.�

- Fred Zeppelin

Inside your issue

August Concert in Limbo In San Juan Summers

The Wandering Kaplanskis, preparing to go on in Crested Butte. Are polkas to blame for intense snowstorms or is it merely coincidental?

GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS ON GOOF BALLS Forties Lingo Downplays Serious Addiction in Western Medicine on Trial

YOUNG RUSSIAN WOMEN FLOCKING TO MIAMI Moscow and St Petersburg Leave Them Cold in Immigration Roulette

GUNNISON NAMED WARMEST TOWN ONCE AGAIN

“It’s the People� Say Judges in Hot Times on Tomichi

OURAY PLANNERS GET COLD FEET ON RAP FESTIVAL

HILLBILLY CHARIOTS I HAVE OWNED

Is Your Dodge Charger at Risk?

In Car Therapy

Missing Link Continues to Elude Police

[ Montrose ]

A transparent transient, believed to be the infamous Missing Link continues to frustrate local police who have been searching for him since January. Some 40 city and county officers are currently engaged in a massive manhunt. “He’s a slippery devil,� said one deputy. “First he was spotted on the Uncompahgre Plateau neat Columbine Pass and then, a few days later he appears clinging to an obscure cliff in the Black Canyon.�

The Missing Link is wanted for questioning related to the theory of evolution.

Local police called in backup last night in an attempt to corner the Link. Insiders within the department confirmed reports that the city would hire 25 more police officers to better monitor this kind of monkey business in the future. “The feds are into this up to their noses as well,� continued the deputy, “which means we’ll probably be getting some new cruisers come spring.� - Dag Katz

Arizona moves to legalize tacos

[ Phoenix ]

Legislators here have pushed through a bill that would immediately legalize tacos all over Arizona. The proposal, which is expected to be signed into law this week, is seen by many as an attempt to placate the many Hispanic residents adversely affected by recent immigration policies in the Grand Canyon State.

Burritos and enchiladas were legalized in December.

Saying that it was high time the state recognized that everyone, not just Latinos, eats tacos, one lawmaker expressed hope that “the ignorant classes on both sides of the question could come together and break bread/tortillas. “With illegal immigration leveling off we should focus on our shared concerns, not our ethnic differences,� said the legislator. “If it were up to me I’d legalize tamales, chili rellenos and even guacamole, and let the chips fall where they might. As long as we have a major demand for these foods in the United States they will make their way across the border, legal or otherwise.�

- Alfalfa Romero

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Page 4 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Bettys Observed in San Juans [ Ouray ] Small groups of Bettys were observed in Ouray last week rubbing elbows with locals and enjoying the thermal waters here. The species, often loud and assertive but always interactive, has for decades been associated with the Elk Mountains near Crested Butte.

Verified sightings of the Bettys in other regions have almost tripled since 2010, forcing social scientists to rethink their theories regarding the migration patterns and general mobility of these groups. The Elk Mountain Bettys are known for their turbulent appetites and an inherent ability to adapt to any social situation.

If you encounter a Betty or a group of Bettys keep in mind that they are wild and should be treated as such.

- Fred Zeppelin

Man Successfully Digs to China

Daredevil high-wire activist, Melvin Toole, today became the first North American to dig his way from Gillette, Wyoming to sister city Fangcheng Gezu, China. Armed with a map and flashlight Toole carefully chipped away at the rock and soil and negotiated the cores and layers of the interior planet. It took some six months to complete the task.

“No compass is going to save you on this one,” confided Toole after re-entry just outside Fangcheng Gezu, in Southern China. “There’s nothing easy about it.”

Toole may have suffered some initial injuries or at least indignities as he broke through the earth’s crust, since wearing shorts on Sunday is considered rude in polite Chinese society.

“The people that matter know what I have accomplished here,” said a visibly distraught Toole.

“The rest are just expendable props in the grand scheme.”

Chinese media retorted by calling Toole a showoff for arriving in the country feet first.

Toole is expected to rest until Tuesday when he will attempt to return trip.

Council OKs Mosque, Cuts Off Funding for CIA

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between Snodgrass expansionists and the Israeli Embassy and nixed a proposed Manson Family Reunion which was to be held in Washington Gulch in August.

“The Hell’s Angels are one thing,” smiled a councilman, “the Manson Family quite another.”

Then the council heard testimony in favor of furnishing the new Gunnison County De-Programming Clinic near Gothic. The facility, built in 2007, offers counseling and therapy to those who have been directly exposed to shopping malls, television and suburban morality since 1970. Since most of the expected clientele will be from out of the county, the indirect fiscal effects are expected to be substantial.

In closing the members stood firmly against the redeployment of color-coded terror alerts along Kebler Pass. Saying the pass would be closed until at least May, the waste of energy powering the 24-hour flashing lights was inexcusable. Homeland Security bosses had planned to jump-start the color-coded paranoia in March. It has been suggested that the terror lights be strung up along Interstate 70 where more people could enjoy them.

- Ripple Van Winkle

C

Fresh Soups, Sandwiches & Muffins

[ Crested Butte ]

The Crested Butte Town Council has approved the construction of the pagan, communist, Muslim, socialist, terrorist, liberal mosque that has been the center of controversy here since Christmas. In favoring the two-story mosque the council hopes to expose and de-emphasize six popular fear words used by the neo-cons and the religious right to frighten citizens into submission.

These descriptive words are a part of the everyday propaganda originating with Hate Radio and the American Taliban who have opposed the construction. The mosque is slated to be erected between Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte on land one owned by the John Birch Society.

In an olive branch extended to the right, the legislative body preliminarily endorsed a plan for the use of drones by Mountain Express next season.

In other business, the members voted unanimously to cut off funding for the Central Intelligence Agency and limit the U.S. military budget to $1000 per year.

“That ought to balance the budget,” said one councilperson.

Funding for the shadow gov’ment has been funneled through here for decades through Operation Garden Party with many new councilpersons unaware of covert money laundering operations.

“Funding for any political organization, with the possible exception of Flauschink, is now strictly verboten,” stressed a council source.

The council tabled comment on an alleged meeting

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Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 5

“His office locks from the outside”

First off I would like to say that cultural treasures, such as my wit are often locked away for safekeeping but this has gone too far.

Will someone of blurred opinion please come, let me out of my office, and bring along a demijohn of cheap red wine. Although I have a beautiful view the architects of my cubicle neglected to provide the basic en suit facilities. Nature is calling and I am out of empty coffee cans.

There, that’s better. All this meaningless security these days. Are my sponsors concerned that some desperate moron will steal my identification? He would have to take my personality and bad attitude right along with it. I have people out there willing to testify that I am incorrigible which puts me at low risk on the usurpation index. I’m not looking bad in a usufructuary sense either since I timeshare my desk in cases of demonstrated need or in matters of national security.

But enough about me.

We hope you enjoy the cover this month and would like to thank Allen and Judy Cox for the loan of their Crested Butte snowman. The beach is in Bahia, Brasil.

Yes, it was next to hell building a snowman in 94-degree tropical heat but you, our loyal readers are worth every effort.

The economic recovery, lauded on Wall Street has not provided many new job opportunities here in Hooterville.

In the words of labor organizer Seth Luther in 1833: “The mushroom lordlings, sprigs of nobility and small potato aristocrats continue to throw scraps to the middle class while embracing the machine and exporting jobs.”

Sounds like a return to the Poltroon System. Where are the real Calico Indians of the Boston Tea Party when we cry out for them? Do middle class people vote Republican because they think that someday it will, by association, make them rich too?

The people have about as much control over their gov’ment as they do over the weather, and the cold weather is hanging on. Last night the pipes froze on my 1962 Volkswagen Bug and the thing is air-cooled. This

EDITOR’S CORONER

Junior joined us in this life on June 12, 2001. He was a true professional, dedicating his work days to providing endless empathy and companionship to those pets and their people who visited the Animal Hospitalof Crested Butte. On his off hours, he was our friend, confidant, comic relief, and doting father with Mom, Sweetness, to a litter of much loved Boston Terriers.

He became a patient big brother to two human children. He tolerated the cats. He left us on November 26, 2010 as a result of having a too big a heart. We all miss him and remember his spirit, his generocity and his love for all. morning the dog was wearing one of my old Jim Bean field jackets, then my whiskers froze. I recall days so warm back in December that the deer and elk were sleeping in the shade.

Ah, yes, wallowing in shallow self-denial, the Lost Tribe of Buckeley Wells sentenced to a slow death by selfabsorption. The drugstore rich embroiled in their daily quest for powder and intrinsic meaning while others go to work pushing buttons and paper till the whistle blows a merrier tune.

Why would I read the New York Times when I have the Gunnison Times, edited by Chris Dickey, who puts out a newspaper whenever he feels like it?

Now on with the show…Stepping carefully over the canine minefields we enter the forbidding world of pedestrian smoke and mirrors. This issue flirts with literacy and yet falls into the familiar web of elevator journalism. Nonetheless, here’s what you’ll find inside: Our longtime scribe Melvin Toole has once again scooped up a major award…He has survived on the planet for over 80 years without exhibiting a clue. The man is an anomaly not in so much as he doesn’t fit the schematic but more that he doesn’t distinguish between structure and air bubbles. If he hadn’t been at it for so long, no one would pay him a second notice. It just goes to show what an absolute idiot can achieve with or without a good breakfast.

Next, readers will thrill to tight coverage of the Vatican’s thrust into the condom business. According to tenuous research we have found that since condoning birth control accessories in certain arenas, the church has begun marketing and selling the interrruptus sheath. Maybe the righteous can share the profits with its entourage in Latin America, where many persons continue to survive on tortillas and bad water.

And what is the Taliban having for lunch? We don’t know, but they sure don’t have an obesity issue there in the Hindu Lush or wherever they are hiding. Find out more as we review The Fatso Taliban Cookbook. Full frontal coverage continues from Pakistan where the

gov’ment has reported a nuclear warhead is missing. We had asked that they keep an eye on it, and now it’s gone.

Maybe it will show up in the aforementioned cookbook.

You can read it here or get the bells and whistles on the FOX News Suppository…a capsulated version of pretty hair, fear and opinion designed for the busy American consumer. What a great gift idea! It’s just one more way to showcase your impeccable good taste.

What is the difference between Feng Shui and Feijoada?

One has to do with Asian aesthetics and the other refers to a Bahian bean concoction. Improve your vocabulary with Big Word Earl has he introduces exotic and remote words and phrases that are sure to help you move up a space or two on the rudimental food chain.

And if that isn’t enough we have photos of St Roscoe’s last appearance to Crested Butte lift ops last week. At that time, he was concerned over the plight of local snowmen, who were only recently informed that they would have to pay taxes and register for the military draft if they lasted into April. Obesity is not an issue here either.

Wrapping it up tight, we finalize this issue with an update on the Idle Alpine Consortium’s efforts to establish the off-season as a Monday holiday. Did you know that by 2015 China would be producing 88% of all the toilet paper used in the United States? Neither did these folks.

They thought a sommelier was a French speaker from Somalia.

(The answers to the winter quiz: 1.) Pashtun Insurgency 2.) Guy Fawkes or Fred Phelps 3.) Official stomach virus of the NHL.

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Page 6 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Laughter Canning Plant Makes Fiscal Impact [ Gunnison ]

The Tomichi Laughter Lab, established in 2007, is poised to take over as Gunnison County’s largest employer unseating both Crested Butte Mountain Resort and Western State College in that capacity. The lab, or more specifically the processing plant expects to can over 3 million tons of laughter in 2011.

The two-acre facility, neat Signal Peak east of Gunnison, has been churning out canned laughter since the demand outpaced the supply some four years ago. Operated under strict clean air provisions the plant is green to the bone according to family operators submerged in what they call the Ha-Ha Business since the Sixties.

“We can laughter without negative environmental impact,” said Sergio Jingles, the oldest of the three Jingles brothers who established the sagebrush plant.

“Our employees are well compensated and the working conditions are exemplary. Turnover is unheard of since the positions here attract technicians from all over the Western Slope.”

The Jingles brothers are proud of the fact that they hire only local canners who represent the best talent in agricultural support methodology. The firm’s arduous sixweek training program has been lauded by state economic development chiefs and implemented by cousin industries

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Canning laughter in Gunnison in 1889. The tradition has grown since those days as the Tomichi Laughter Lab illustrates, employing 200 persons and representing a big chunk of the local manufacturing output. Projections call for the exclusive use of local laugher technicians (called laughingstocks) by 2012.

(Jingles Brothers photo) all the way to Utah.

The process is simple enough: Capture and store live laughter while it is still in the impulsive stage then keeping it fresh and applicable for a variety of uses/responses. Then the canned laughter is fermented for up to a year allowing the contents to age properly.

“If the natural process is not followed explicitly the precious cargo is at risk and may sound forced or muffled and must be discarded,” said Jingles. “The last thing we want to do is ship a cargo of canned laughter to a client only to have it come out as indiscernible gibberish.”

Rarely has this disaster occurred. One time a shipment of canned laughter was sent to the Republican National Convention in Chicago where, when opened, sounded like the rantings of a spoiled child rather than a mirthful response.

The problem was soon identified. Parasitic air inside the cans! The situation was soon rectified allowing the convention to take place without further interruption.

“We promise our clients crisp chuckles, delightful giggles and flattering guffaws and not tired mummery or inarticulate babbling,” said another Jingles. “Our canned laughter is produced entirely within this country. It is one of the few products not manufactured in China these days.”

Although truckloads of canned laughter are shipped all over the world, most of these emotional resources are purchased locally by the San Juan Horseshoe newspaper for experimental use between the lines. Saying that while its veteran readers need no jolt to remind them when

San Juan Horseshoe readers generating local laughter that will be canned and transported all over the planet. The ability to recycle laughter is the catalyst to a successful manufacturing effort. (Thumbellina Etchabarron Photo) to laugh, newer readers often demand parameters and guidelines. The introduction of canned laughter instructs them how and when to respond to jokes and assorted nonsense “thrown at them by wiseacre editors engaged in facetious monkeyshines and droll repartee for elephantine profits,” according to Jingles.

When asked why the paper does not skip the middle man and can its own laughter Jingles smiled.

“Those people couldn’t can a ham much less something intangible like roaring whoop or a sacred belly laugh,” he snapped.

- Muffy Hollandaise

Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 7

Fish found in drinking water [ Ridgway ]

Trout, kokanee and other suspicious species of fish have been discovered in the town’s drinking water sending shock waves all the way to Denver. The intruders, some up to an arm’s length, have apparently called the pond home since railroad days.

“This is really nothing to worry about,” said one town planner. “Fish belong in water. That’s where they live.”

Despite continued reassurances, town crews were seen on the shore netting and chumming away this afternoon. Apprehended fish are to be detained at the local second hand shop where they will be sold to consumers.

Other seized aquatic vertebrates are expected to remain incarcerated in cold storage until suitable homes can be found or relocation procedures are adapted at the highest levels of town gov’ment.

“If the state finds out we are harboring fish in our water supply we could lose funding for water purification,” said one planner. “Then we’d all be forced to drink gin.”

Many residents fear contamination of the water due to the curious fish population that has taken up residency.

Some fear that fish could flow from the tap or clog pipes causing freezing on colder nights.

“Ick,” said one newly arrived transient from San Miguel County. “To think I’ve been drinking this water with those

Fish the size of bowling balls have been discovered in Ridgway’s drinking supply causing tremors all the way to the State House in Denver. Despite careful monitoring by town officials, the intruders have made themselves comfortable and now must be forcibly removed in the name of public safety. (Toole photo)

slimy fish swimming around in it!”

Although fish are quite normal in ponds such as this, the town has taken progressive, quantitative steps to rid the

water of visitors of all types.

“We’ve considered boiling the town’s drinking water after we catch all the fish that live in it,” explained another planner. “That approach is being discussed as well as a plan to move the schools to strategic ponds in order to minimize the influence of radical fish believed to be moving freely within the general population.

“Our efforts in no way impose a threat to friendly fish or other species caught up in this recent disclosure,” continued the town source. “Fish that cooperate with the investigation have nothing to fear.”

Meanwhile bait sales have skyrocketed as vigilante groups, fearful of an end to the status quo here, have begun dropping lines from Blue Lakes to Cow Creek. Many volunteer anglers have converged on Ridgway Reservoir yesterday to show solidarity with the Lake Trout believed to be hiding there.

“We appreciate their concern,” said the planner, “but that water is consumed down valley in Montrose and Delta and does not affect our situation. Those communities have their own issues to deal with and the comings and goings of fish are not a high priority at this time.”

- Small Mouth Bess

Introducing

Deadline to register for Old Hippie Pension

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for digestion by their waiting congregations.

“Most of these people have no training in metaphysics much less Chinese,” said one local book publisher.

“Technical manuals like the Bible and Koran should not be allowed to fall into the hands of charlatans who cherry pick passages to support their allegations as to the beginning and the end of it all.

“Even speaking in tongues does not translate Mark or Luke from Mandarin.”

-Melvin Toole

on

[ Dallas ]

True believers here expressed concern over a large number of Bibles now printed in China. They say they cannot read Chinese and therefore cannot decipher the message of the holy book.

The practice of printing Western publications and books has expanded greatly of late with the cheaper printing processes and low cost of labor in Asia.

Many church leaders say they will simply have to interpret the Bible as they see fit, often simplifying concepts

nis

Chinese-made Bibles Confuse Good Folk

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executed director.

“I am a professional sociologist and I know what’s best,” continued Boop. “Our agency is full of old hippies.”

Interested parties are urged to apply for Old Hippie vouchers and monthly stipend since funds are becoming short due to the arrival of baby boomers to traditional retirement age.

“A lot of out clients never worked enough to qualify for Social Security much less a private retirement pension,” said Boop. “Now, as they approach their golden years, they are finding out that they are running short of brown rice and patchouli oil.

Flower children, not to be confused with bona fide hippies must apply for separate aid packages through the county.

- Kashmir Horseshoe

�

�

wing Company, The Crested Butte ID OUNCES

[ Gunnison ]

Persons wishing to enroll for benefits in the Old Hippie Program have until Tuesday to do so or forfeit privileges. Qualifying individuals must be legal residents, show need and be able to prove that they were indeed once a hippie.

The length of service varies with a minimum of ten years living as a recognized hippie as an entry-level status and twenty years as a Silver Hippie. Persons who have been hippies for a longer period, or are still hippies will most likely qualify for higher pensions than wanna bees and pretenders who grew their hair long and wore sandals and spoke the jargon just to be cool or attract the opposite sex.

Since this is not a gov’ment program we do not have to adhere to all the red tape,” said Betty Boop,

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Page 8 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Clark’s Looking at Underground Parking in 2012

Obama tours brew pubs

[ Gunnison ]

President Barrack Obama stopped here today as part of a statewide tour of locally operated brew pubs. Praising the new industry, Obama said small breweries bolster the economy and create jobs. He then called on Americans to embrace clean energy saying that the nation needed to unleash alternative fuels (such as beer?) to compete in the global marketplace.

“The President enjoys getting out among the people,” said a senior White House official. “He sees renewable commodities such as small breweries as preferable to the more traditional mass produced version.”

“Drinking beer is the ultimate dedication to recycling,” said the President.

Obama is expected in Montrose tomorrow to visit the nation’s first solar brewery, adjacent to the Uncompahgre River.

[ Crested Butte ] meat department rests firmly on the ground. Satellite

Clark’s Market has announced that it is businesses in the shopping complex should not be investigating the construction of an underground adversely affected and should benefit in the long run. parking garage beneath its existing grocery store The actual digging is expected to last three weeks. here. Although still in preliminary stages the blueprint “We have scrutinized estimates by many local calls for a 50-car entry level facility with storage firms suggesting in-floor heating in the parking lot or capability and a seasonal expansion wing that would even the construction of a dome over the asphalt,” accommodate another 100 vehicles during high continued the spokesperson. “While these ideas were times. initially interesting, the maintenance and costs were The basement-parking concept comes as comparable to an underground parking area which customers fight an icy outdoor parking lot from late would be easy to heat and monitor from above.”

November into April. A spokesperson for the grocery Already one restaurant, three hair cutting salons chain told The Horseshoe that Clark’s has hired an and four real estate offices have expressed interest architect and is conferring with house movers in an in leasing space in the lower level expansion. While attempt to determine feasibility. these possibilities remain real, principles here “We can’t just start digging with the existing contend that a bowling alley, climbing wall and ski structure in cyber-space,” said the source. “Structural rental shop are an obvious priority. considerations, weight distribution and access points Engineers expect the remodel to have no lasting must be determined so as to create a safe and impact in such arenas as visual, light or noise positive experience for our shoppers.” pollution. Despite the magnitude of the project, they The use of explosives will be limited to he offsay most people won’t ever know the parking garage season and employed only when most people are exists. out of town, leaving public evacuations at a minimal “This plan could redefine grocery shopping in scale. The project should create fifty jobs that will Gunnison County,” stressed the source. “We might have a healthy fiscal impact on the spring economy even get around to fixing the front door and emptying next year. Clark’s hopes to send some 500 people to the trash in the outside containers.”

Las Vegas during the heaviest demolition.

The Crested Butte Town Council, the Gunnison “That’s not written in stone,” laughed the source.

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Montrose meters to pay you to park [ City Hall ]

Downtown parking meters here will start paying motorists and shoppers to park starting this fall. The strategy, clearly aimed at drawing traffic to the historic downtown, calls for the installation of over 80 parking meters from Nevada to Selig and from North First to South First.

Each morning when city workers fill the meters with money there will be several bonus payout units which could pay up to $100. Most parkers however will be paid 5 or 10 bucks, which is enough for lunch or a movie. Mean people will get nothing thanks to the meter’s built-in device that detects a bad attitude toward parking, shopping and/or lunch.

In other comparative communities, the plan has succeeded with shoppers flocking to designated areas, anxious to take advantage of the payouts.

Most say they’d rather shop downtown anyway but that the bonus doesn’t hurt.

The meters are like little slot machines,” said one man from Clovis, New Mexico, where the payoff meters have been in service since November, “One guy from over in Portales won $30 in the time it took to get a haircut!”

City officials say the payouts will be more than covered by the increased sales tax revenues generated from higher sales figures. The amount of money paid out to the consumer/parker will depend on the consistency of visits, sales receipts scanned, said attitude and the average length of stay in the

Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 9

space.

Sundays are slated to pay less while the meters are set to go off paying double between 9 am and noon. During the evening rush, when parking spaces are at a premium, motorists would be wise to arrive early and shop late according to promoters.

The meters (pictured) are made in the United States of space-age aluminum, designed to survive the elements. They will be sunk into the pavement on the curb adjacent to the parking spot (Insert film Cool Hand Luke for visuals here). The meters, much to the relief of most, will be mute.

The entire scheme is still an experiment dictated by social as well as fiscal considerations.

“We will evaluate the entire subject after six months, determine effectiveness and move on,” said a spokesperson for the city.

In nearby Durango, where meters that once paid out parking money but now demand money for parking, motorists were angry when the giveaways boomeranged. Many stood waiting for their cash while others kicked and screamed at the turncoat tellers.

But alas, the heat was not worth the candle and they went on with their lives.

Hoping to avoid problems encountered by other municipalities, Montrose will further generate funding for the payouts by enforcing loitering laws within the city limits.

- Gabby Haze

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Herds embrace CDOT strategy [ Colona ]

Local deer and elk have been quick to support the new Wildlife Zone speed limits imposed by the Colorado department of Transportation. The restrictions, which call for a speed limit of 55 miles per hour in heavily populated areas, was lauded this week as a monument to safety by all parties polled.

“We now have a place in the sun, even though it is dark,” said one dominant buck who asked not to be referred to as venison.

The plan, an apparent a brainchild of state leadership in Denver, has been implemented on roadways known for high animal presence. These zones see higher than average collision statistics resulting in deaths of motorists and herd animals, all of whom, like it or not, have become wards of the gov’ment.

“I don’t see where 5 miles per hour is going to make a difference,” said one local motorist. “I think it’s just another revenue producing scam like DUIs. The concept of fines doubled must be unconstitutional.”

Sources within CDOT say the lowering of approved speeds makes travel safer for all. They add that nobody needs to drive any faster than 55 at night through these killing fields. They point to icy asphalt and the sporadic behavior of inattentive drivers as fellow bugaboos in this scenario.

“We have all witnessed the carnage along the roadsides,” said the source. “It is bad for everyone and upsets the tourists who spend money in Colorado.”

Already miles of deer fence and flashing lights warn of the regional peril. Hitting a deer or elk at night can cause injury to motorists and herd animals and can cost an average $3000 to repair the vehicle, according to several body shops in Montrose.

“Anyone who has experienced the unpleasant crash of a deer or elk in the windshield will agree that it is no fun,” said one body shop owner. “We cannot control the speed or general behavior of wild animals therefore we must control the speed and behavior of humans.”

The new restrictions are not expected to affect people who do not drive at night.

“Many of our citizens see these limits as eroding their freedom,” said a CDOT spokesperson. “Maybe these folks would like to go out and build their own highways. Then they could drive as fast as they like without breaking the law.”

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Page 10 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Crested Butte’s Adaptive Ski Program

A BENEFIT TO ALL IT TOUCHES

Flying down a frigid ridge on skis or snowboard can be quite demanding for any of us.

Climbing to the top of a shear cliff or running a rapid river takes skill, perseverance and more than passing interest. Now try it with a missing limb. Activities like these, once virtually impossible for people with a cognitive or physical disability, are now within their realm.

The Crested Butte Adaptive Ski Program shows persons with special needs how to embrace the outdoors and experience the joy of meeting physical and mental challenges inherent to our mountains. Since 1987, the Adaptive Sports Center has conducted over 40,000 volunteerpowered lessons.

One can observe groups of adaptive skiers in boisterous groups nearly everyday in winter, laughing and loving their new freedoms in the outdoors. They are often the loudest and their enthusiasm is contagious.

Adaptive Sports Center athlete takes off from the top of Crested Butte Mountain.

- photo by Craig Maestro

“When a person who thought he was unable to ski negotiates a steep mountain run it generates a powerful metaphor for overall success in life,” said Christopher Hensley, Executive Director. “It has an enduring impact on his health, self-confidence and well-being.”

The family of the participant, the volunteers and the community benefit from a warm and welcoming program that offers such activities as alpine and cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, ice climbing and snowboarding.

“Most out-of-town participants enjoy multi-day stays with their families and friends coming along.” added Chris Read, Director of the Adaptive Sports Center. “The impact on the local economy is substantial while the adaptive program has reached out to surrounding communities such as Gunnison with the Children’s Special Education agenda.”

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Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 11 ASC’s million-dollar budget puts back into a community that has been ultra-supportive since the inception of adaptive skiing.

“Our plan here is to create an environment that is warm and personal,” said Erin English, Marketing Director. “It is clear that family bonds are strengthened and we encourage full participation from friends and relatives. Our individualized attention is often one to one instructor to client.”

The ASC offers high quality outdoor adventure experiences for individuals, groups and families. It serves people of all ages with cognitive and physical disabilities, as well as at-risk youth.

Subsidized rates and scholarships are available based on need.

“The instructors were beyond professional,” said one successful participant from Los Angeles. “They actually cared about me.”

Adaptive Sports Center’s Roger Pepper Camp for teen burn surviviors on a hut trip to Gothic. (ASC Photo)

Adaptive Sports participant ice climbing in Ouray. (ASC photo)

A little help at the end of the day - photo by Braden Gunem

The summer agenda offers horseback riding, kayaking, rock climbing and hand cycling. A disabled veteran’s program, on track since the beginning has grown very popular with a variety a year-round outdoor experiences on the docket.

Much of the funding for these programs comes from donors all over the country. An upcoming event “7 Hours of the Banana” is slated for March 5 where skiers solicit pledges by lap on the demanding Banana run at the base of Crested Butte Mountain.

If you would like to donate, participate or volunteer please contact Crested Butte Adaptive Sports Center 866-349-2296 or www.adaptivesports.org.

“We’re helping people live life to the fullest and it feels good,” said volunteer Craig Maestro.

“It’s rewarding to be a part of something that helps so many people achieve such great things in the outdoors.”

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Death Row Inmates Won’t Qualify for Group Life Insurance

GRANDPA BUSTED AGAIN

On that morning in December the 911 call came in.

A shooter was on the Dos Rios Golf Course, possibly a terrorist. The caller was walking his poodle on the golf course when the shots went off. Feeling terrorized, he decided to call 911. The sheriff’s office responded with four squad cars ready for action. After interviewing the caller, they decide to apprehend the shooter, who was allegedly trying to make a getaway.

With lights on, squad cars make the stop. Knowing the shooter is armed, every precaution is taken. After questioning the shooter, they discover he had shot a porcupine. Not knowing for sure the severity of the crime, the sheriff’s department decides to call in the Colorado Division of Wildlife. They later confiscated the small game animal.

The shooter, Gary Appleton, thinking that this was no big deal, had been wrong. Citations were written from both the sheriff’s office and the DOW. When the shooter’s family heard of his crimes they decided to take action. All of his grandchildren show up armed and ready to support the local lawmen. With court dates set, prosecutors and judges are ready to uphold the law. Appleton’s grandchildren decided it would be best if they just stuck around to keep Grandpa from running off and getting into more trouble. When interviewing his oldest grandson, Avery, he said “this is not the only law grandpa has ever broken”. Avery told us “Grandpa even shoots off fireworks when he knows he is not supposed to”. Avery said he knew it would only be a matter of time before Grandpa would be caught.

Treyson, another grandson, was saddened by the thought his grandpa would shoot a porcupine, but he knew the law would make him pay. Jordan and Jaysa, grandkids that came in from Nebraska to help, were both concerned about their young sister, 9 month old Gabby.

They both feel like she takes after her Grandpa. She even laughs when Grandpa shoots off fireworks. They hope this incident will show Gabby that you just can’t break the law anytime you feel like it. Appleton will loose his hunting privileges until further notice.

[ Hartford ]

Convicts on death row do not constitute a legitimate group and are not eligible for group life insurance rates according to an industry spokesperson. In a long-awaited decision, the insurance lobby refused to recognize incarcerated persons as a qualifying group despite common needs and experiences.

“They are not linked by occupational, educational or ethnic distinction,” said an insurance company source here.

“They are only a collection insomuch as they are all awaiting the final call.

“Group insurance is based on functional groups that produce or educate or provide a service. These people do none of these things,” continued the spokesperson. “They are persons forcibly detained for crimes for which they have

been convicted. Someone doesn’t get on death row for a parking violation.”

Adding that the inmates already get free health coverage, the insurance source reminded reporters that life insurance premiums are based on a lifetime term rather than a few months. She said that death row inmates simply don’t have the options of other citizens.

“Even with lengthy appeals we are not interested in mixing it up with the penal system,” added the source.

Insurance companies have long sought a foolproof method for securing profits from inmates due to the burgeoning prison population in the United States. Despite a lower-than-average life expectancy within the incarcerated population, the potential profits make the risk worthwhile.

Meanwhile state governments that employ the death penalty continue to insist that the habit of tipping one’s executioner goes back to the Middle Ages and should not be discouraged.

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Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 13

Horoscope De Primavera

As tradition and parole boards would have it, General Horseshoe is once again free to hog-tie the near-sighted elements of our solar system. Particularly of interest are creatures that appear stuck to the surface of this revolving planet. This gallant, incorruptible alchemist signs no peace treaties and takes no prisoners in determining the quantitative cosmic worth of our most primitive reader.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Keep your fishing line wet and your crayons dry through the end of the week. My (if you are a man) you have lost many nice houses (if you are a woman) you have had a lot of nice last names. Who are we to judge you? They’ll attend to that in circuit court. Studying for that roadside sobriety test may not yield the expected results.

Obsession is better than depression. Living in denial is better than living in Detroit. Put together an effective receiving line, and when happiness skips around the corner grab it and never let go. Tonight: Self-absorption is spiritual quicksand.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Curb desire to push bothersome relatives out windows until Solstice arrives. Your breath could slow an avalanche. Let intuition be your guide backed up by a roll of crisp fifty-dollar bills. In the arena of romance, it helps to wear two pairs of socks and ankle weights.

Surround yourself with willing subordinates. Skip the ladder to success by taking the elevator to the top. Learn to be satisfied on the sidelines and leave the cheerleading responsibilities to one more qualified. Bring your banker an exploding plant on Thursday. Tonight: Don’t stand in your food while eating it.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Update your home library with a book. You can add to that extensive store of knowledge with the purchase a second and even a third title when you get the money. A new relationship could require that you share your dessert. Use tact when dealing with difficult personalities and a large club when tact is not received in the spirit that it was intended. Life is simple enough if you are simple enough. Plan a family outing during the week so that it doesn’t get in the way of weekend alcoholic rendezvous. Instead of dropping hints drop the pretense. Tonight: Steam-dry your kilts.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

What’s a disruptive sign like you doing in a passive-aggressive horoscope like this? Lion hair all over the carpet...Damn! A thorn in the foot is better than feet of clay. Aggressive actions could gain the respect of herd animals on the rebound. Prowling around until the wee hours of dawn could backfire on you. Sleep all day...out all night.

What kind of life is that? When putting your best foot forward try keeping a couple of toes in reserve for a rainy day. Spots and stripes make the wrong fashion statement for summer. Tonight: Fingernails can be your best friends.

climbing the walls. All the world is a stage and you are crammed into the nickel seats. Tonight: Snowmen may not be what they appear at first glance.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)

Your 12-year planetary cycle has a flat tire. Attention to the business of others is much more satisfying than looking in the mirror. Button your lip. It’s easier than turning the other cheek. Romance with an Aries is on the horizon even though your new lover may be less than vertical. Pay close attention to the sky as a lucky Jupiter moves into Aquarius and is called for the offensive foul. Extended overtimes will test the will of your bench. Don’t hurry the 3-point shots. They are your only real connection to credibility. Tonight: A surprise under your hat.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

An ingenious response may be lost on those who embrace the mundane. Be willing to adjust plans by not making any. Relate on a one-to-one level with garden pests. Be thankful that your embarrassing rash is not visible at the workplace. Go ahead, change your hair color. You’re still stuck with the same tiny brain. Don’t take adversaries for granted. Take them to Cleveland. Spend a quiet evening at home. If friends drop by throw them out early. Tonight: Fondue tropical fish.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)

You may feel as if you are being grilled or inside a pressure cooker through the weekend. Examine dinner invitations carefully, show discretion in RSVPs. Look for pleasure in small portions, and avoid fried food especially when it could be you. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the ground. Stop hanging out with corn fritters. Remember: Competitors put their pants on the same way you do, one fin at a time. Traveling in a horizontal position should shed light on career aspirations. The vertical approach may cause barracudas to swarm. Tonight: Fun at a barbecue

ARIES (March 21 -April 19)

You are as subtle as a hungry alligator on a poodle convention.

Spend evening hours with a Scorpio and the days will take care of themselves. Keep an eye out for edible gourmet items as the snow melts around you. Look before you leap and no grass will grow under your feet. If you resemble the proverbial brown cow, milk it for all its worth. Always circle before landing. A cosmic balance of 5% inspiration and 95% perspiration may offend late night imbibers down at the corner bar. Tonight: Read by the microwave light.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

Eat only foods that start with the letter M. Wearing socks to bed could offend a new lover. Impulsive passions must be cultivated in order to grow fruit, but the produce aisle at the local grocery is no place for exploratory romance. It’s tough to get in touch with inner voices with the damn television on. You have done remarkably well for someone whose toolbox is full of dog hair. An ounce of anvils is worth a pound of feathers every time. Contemplate your family’s best interest from behind a quart of sour mash. Tonight: Let your mind go...

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

Learn to enjoy forced labor. While many hands may make light work the pie is split into more pieces come feedlot time. Wearing your chaps backwards may be funny to you but the horse knows the difference. Responsibilities on the job may conflict with personal freedoms, causing the adoption of a decision process that should result in unemployment or temporary social assistance. Focus on what you are capable of doing then take a long nap. Enjoy your friends since they will all be gone when you run out of assets.

Tonight: Tape-record your prayers.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

Fuses will be short this month said the keeper of the flame. Extended eye contact could result in someone taking it on the chin. Keep your ears to the ground and your posterior out of the line of fire. It’s tough to get a leg up on a relationship when you insist on keeping it at an arm’s length. It’s probably too late to look for a spring job since it’s already spring. Regroup and make a combined thrust at respectability in May. Extend red carpet treatment without becoming the doormat. Tonight: Say hallelujah!

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

Attempts to break the ice could put you in water over your head.

Waiting for another’s stamp of approval could leave you with a chronic case of postage due. Long-term goals are far less pressing than short-term goals in that they don’t come due so fast. Stick to the course that you have set out upon and season the mulligan stew with a pretty earth muffin. Walking the floor is still better than

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Page 14 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Ireland Just Miles Away From Resting Place [ Malaga, Spain ]

The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea. These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.

“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.

“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”

If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napoleon Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

IRISH SAILOR FOUND NORTH AMERICA IN THIRTEENTH CENTURY [ San Salvador ]

Historians here have stumbled across alarming data that suggests Christopher Columbus was not the first European to discover North America. According to cave drawings, soil samples, DNA tests, exhumed shipping and folklore, the Irish sailor St. Brendan arrived on these same shores in about 1292, two hundred years before the Italian in Spaniard’s clothing. Brendan, an explorer of no little consequence, actually settled in the Bahamas raising whiskey and teaching the native tribes to play the pipes until his return to the Emerald Isle in 1308.

Three years later, in June of 1311, Brendan’s indentured servant, Finbar the Lesser, landed his Merryweather Sloop up the coast on the island of Eleuthera making him the second European adventurer to discover the place. An avid gambler Finbar, not to be confused with Finbar the Stooge, became engrossed in a domino game and died at the table in 1334, leaving his crew to fend for themselves. Most married into the local population and spent the rest of their

lives driving peat carts to and from the indoor racetrack at Governor’s Harbor.

Six decades later, in 1350, Leif Erickson wandered ashore near the present site of Nassau. He called the place Vinland after his sister’s first husband, Vinny. Although flying under a Viking Flag it is surmised that Erickson fit right in with the Celtic-Indio inhabitants considering the well established fact that his mother was one of the McElroys, from County Limerick.

Then, in 1492, some 140 years after Erickson passed on to Valhalla, Columbus and his stringy crew stumbled across land at San Salvador which he claimed in the name of Frank Sinatra. Exactly 100 years later, to the day, William Shakespeare came out of the closet, claiming direct Irish lineage. I think that was around the same year that Juan de Fuca discovered British Columbia under the kilts with his chamber maid and James Joyce appeared to the heathens at Wexford turning them against Pope Clement VIII forever.

Continued on Page 90

Irish Anti-Defamation League To Investigate Fire [ Chicago ]

A group of Hibernians here seeks to reopen the files on the legendary Chicago Fire of 1871.

Allegations at that time suggested that a bovine belonging to one Mrs. Patrick O’Leary, of Irishtown, started the blaze.

The investigative committee, comprised of Irishmen from all over the Midwest, plans to take issue with what it calls unsubstantiated proof and gross miscalculation.

“For one thing Mrs. O’Leary kept a constant watch on all of her pets,” said Alexander Francis Singe, of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. “Never did her dogs run lose or her cats get into the neighbor’s garbage.

Her exotic fish were always fed on time and her hamsters wanted for nothing.”

Singe went on to stress that if Mrs. O’Leary went to such lengths to provide for household pets she would certainly be attentive to other larger livestock personalities.

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“The idea that this lovely woman was lax in her responsibilities is absurd,” added Singe. “Besides, the lantern (exhibit A) that was allegedly knocked over in the barn had a safety latch on it and the haylofts were constructed of fire retardant materials.”

Questions as to the whereabouts of the city’s 10,000 Italians and over 20,000 Poles have been raised. Local Irishmen feel the whole episode was exaggerated to make them look bad in the community.

“We were doing our best to look bad,” said Timmy Flynn, whose family moved to the Windy City in 1865.

“We really didn’t need any help.”

Sources here would not confirm accusations that they have covered up evidence regarding the overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s chowder as well. The pants (exhibit B) have reportedly been confiscated by the quart to use in an indictment against turning the river green on March 17.

“It’s bad enough we have the Cubs and the lousy weather,” said Flynn, “but then we get a load of teetotalers pointing the finger. The next thing you know they’ll be saying Mrs. O’Leary purposely sabotaged the Randolph Street Bridge or that her cow was inebriated on the night in question.

“It’s tough to fight ethnic generalizations,” said Singe. “Why most of the Irish living in Chicago in the 1870s didn’t own lanterns, barns or matches for that matter.”

The investigation is expected to last through the International Livestock Exhibition in December.

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Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 15

My Rose of Tralee with guest columnist Joseph Ballina Fitzpatrick In honor of the coming holy day, I would like to share a letter received from my friend Joe Fitzpatrick of Sligo Town (Republic of Ireland) the other Thursday or so.

Dia dhuit. Conas ata’ tu? I have a cupla focal with regards to the coming Holy Day. Here I sit writing among the ancient graves of Inishcrone, the main attraction of what must be the noisiest cemetery on earth, and lumpiest too.

But if the discerning scribe listens closely, he can make out what the deceased are chattin about in Western Ireland.

It’s the horizontal pagan civilization with the volume turned up a bit.

First of all, they’re dying of thirst here in the bog and there’s no known way to get them a pint. Here’s a grave marked Michael Flaherty. His marker indicates he hasn’t had a Guinness in so long that he may well have forgotten the taste. I’ll just pour part of mine into the ground and see what he thinks. There now.

And we think brawls are reserved for the living...This graveyard is easily as dangerous as Bertie’s of Dungarvan on a Saturday night! Punters and hookers. Travelers, gypsies and tinkers. What’s the rush? They’re all in the ground anyway…All trying to get that one last punch in before the police farce arrives.

The causes of personal demise here on this lovely island read like the King James Bible. Driving, eating and the poteen are on the front line in the obituaries. Tourists beware!

In Ireland, where the grocery aisles are often wider than the roads, we have to dodge lorries, tourist buses, sheep and an occasional leprechaun often all coming right at you at once. That’s what the ditches are for...It’s hell on earth on the weekends. Road signs cry out advice: Traffic calming ahead or Dead slow. And then there’s the dreaded ROUNDABOUT which is far more frightening the uninitiated on a summer’s day than the banshee could be on the darkest of nights.

Then there’s the breakfasts, especially the Five Corpse Irish Breakfasts that prey on tourist tummies in the cloned B & Bs. Seeing the massive morning feasts one might think the visitors had hired on with the Relief Crews, fabricating roads or sentenced to digging all day in potato fields, rather than just strolling about.

Once when I was visiting Dublin City three large Dun Laoghaire ladies held me down while a fourth, a body

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O’Brien’s Lowers Urinals for Wee [ Ouray ]

If all goes according to plan, the urinals here will be substantially lowered by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. Although nothing new for the unselfish plumbers and brave architects who have taken on the task, the reconstruction represents the first time public urinals have been reinvented in Ouray.

“Along with a check from the federal gov’ment (to “promote ethnic diversity in backwater locales”) were specifics as to the general construction and the type of materials preferred.

“The feds like their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access.

We like to sell Guinness,” said a source at O’Brien’s.”

An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little people who visit the San Juans at this time of the year. The lowering is also in honor of Harry Force, often an innovative, albeit late former publican at O’Bannon’s Pub in Telluride.

K B U T

“O’Brien’s plan to lower the urinals to accommodate out-of-town leprechauns has gained a sort of international acclaim that cannot be bought. It gives the entire county a boost,” said the article.

For the past few years O’Brien’s has simply provided little stools for the leprechauns but other customers complained that the miniature furniture was too easy to trip over in tight spaces. It was becoming common consensus that a trip to the bathroom was far more dangerous than helicopter skiing and driving in downtown Delta combined. That was when the bar heartily embraced the concept of de-escalation.

The Latrine article continues: “The sensitive management of O’Brien’s Pub has once again raised the seat when it comes to cordiality, human or otherwise.

This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of little people are already arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Ouray has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”

-Uncle Pahgre

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builder whom I believe was from Skerries, forced bacon, ham, sausage, fried egg, black pudding, white pudding, grilled tomato and a wee mushroom from the continent down my guzzler before I had had time to peruse that morning’s Irish Times. And white bread. It’s no wonder they call it The Pale. That’s what color the tourists turn after consuming all that fried food. It takes more than 28 hours to digest that nightmare fry and before that the chefs are up back from morning Mass and cookin again for the next batch of tourists. Saints preserve us.

Then finally there’s the poteen as well as the legally taxed whiskey and beer. This part of Irish life has been blamed for everything from visions of the wee people to Cromwell’s military successes. It’s all just a matter of assimilation. But surprisingly one won’t see a lot of drunkards around this island. It’s looked down upon. That kind of behavior is not acceptable here as it is with the Irish in the States. That’s not to say that sobriety is worshipped. Here there are many people exhibiting tiny little grins on one side of their mug or another.

He then goes into a lengthy World War I adaptation entitled: The Connemara Brigade in the Trenches of Ypres Here’s a preview: “...and that night the Bosche brought bloated, top-heavy cattle to the front lines in an effort to mount yet another gas assault. Purple clouds drifted toward us from the enemy position. Methane gas, me laddies! Some of the boys were without masks. When I asked the captain he said “This is no masquerade Paddy, as you were...” Slainte!

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Page 16 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Thirty-four years ago...

Farcheezies stranded on Quad Lift [ Upper Forest Run ] The Flying Farcheezies, a semi-notable East European high-wire act, remain stuck on the new high-speed quad lift above here it was disclosed this morning. The Farcheezies, the only living daredevils to successfully bunjy jump across the Black Canyon and negotiate Kebler Pass by electrical high-wire (over the same weekend) seemed relaxed in the face of chilly winds and sub-zero temperatures.

“We’ll rescue them as soon as we’re done making snow,” said Dave Oberosler, Head of Lift Operations and Mountain Maintenance. “It’s not like we haven’t any other emergencies to deal with this morning.

Frankly, these skiers drive me nuts. They seem to think the snow just falls from the sky!”

The Farcheezies have survived the night thanks to 200 pounds of trail mix and an orange from their backpacks. Although the Silver Queen Quad no longer features a cover it still has a convertible foot rack for the comfort of the ascending alpineer.

“I don’t mind a little cold,” said Enselmo Farcheezie, patriarch of the group, “but I hate like hell to have my legs fall asleep.”

Apparently the family boarded the lift at 3:59 pm despite warnings that the unit would shut down at 4:00 sharp. Accustomed to following orders in their native lands the family refused to jump from the lift or litter.

“We didn’t want to lose our gold passes,” said the older Farcheezie.

The Farcheezies were contacted by the local ski patrol at about sunrise and reassured that the lift would start up again at 9:00 am. When asked to

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describe the experience father Farcheezie said he could think of better things to do on a cold winter night and expressed thanks that the ordeal was almost over.

“It’s really quiet out there at three in the morning,” he shivered.

-Melvin Tool

Hollywood Stars Warn China

our state!”

Chung, who exhibits heterosexual tendencies, encouraged all freedom-loving persons in Colorado to resist blackmail attempts by outside agitators and get down to the real issue which she says remains to be the validity of home rule and the civil rights of all.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

GET OUT OF TIBET OR ELSE!

POPE MAY STAY AT IRWIN LODGE

[ Hollywood UPS ]

Celebrities here have released a statement that calls on China to relinquish all claims to the region called Tibet, high in the Himalayas. The stars say that China illegally took control of the country and has no right to dictate policy for, determine status quo of, and extract resources from Tibet.

“We are serious about our quest and since we have lots of money and lots of time on our hands we will win out!” said Jane Jane, who has only recently been granted celebrity status here.

The stars have threatened to boycott China (and Taiwan too if necessary) in order to apply pressure on the powers that be to change their relationship with respect to Tibet.

“We drove Colorado to her knees with our mindless boycott over, let’s see now, I forgot what the issue was there... Oh yeah, Amendment 3 or 4 I think,” she mumbled. “What does it matter anyway?

We have the power, the money, the time and the media! We can do whatever we want!”

Social scientists describe the boycott phenomenon as an attempt by entertainers to rationalize their transparent existence and to firm up their position as a meaningful one amidst a land built on plastic.

“The controversial amendment on gay rights was written in Chinese so I guess it only follows that the activists would drag that ancient society into all this,” said Lei Chung, a Colorado (Hate State) resident who voted no on Amendment 2 back in November. “I wonder if any of these pontificating phonies ever read the amendment or have ever spent any real time in

[ Rome ]

Pope John Paul VI may vacation at the world renowned Irwin Lodge after his stressful visit to Denver next summer according to high Vatican sources. The pontiff and his large entourage would reserve the entire lodge and grounds for up to a week. He will be in Colorado as part of a Christian youth jamboree or some such shindig.

“We would of course be honored to have someone like the Holy Father staying with us,” said Irwin innkeeper Rich Curtis. “It would be no trouble at all to create a menu around his personal tastes and arrange for activities that would make him feel at home. At present we do not know how he likes his coffee or if he prefers butter or margarine but we have a few months to work this thing out.”

Unreliable sources within the Vatican hierarchy insist that the only thing holding up a final agreement is a matter of politics.

“I don’t want to be petty,” winced Curtis, “considering the international ramifications and all, but, alright so I know he’s not a WASP but is it too much to hope that he’s a Republican, at least in name?”

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Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 17

THE ADVENTURES OF AMAX AND GANDHI PART XXVII

“The Ghost Dancer of Washington Gulch”

Special appearance by Lightnin’ as Public Input The scene: The Red Lady access road off Kebler Pass, some years back.

Thingfish: Why wouldn’t you want us to mine molly, Mr. Gandhi? You know that Lucky Jack is a respected corporation that simply seeks to mine Red Lady without commitments or emotional baggage down the road.

Gandhi: Like a soul? It is immoral to scratch and dig on Patchamama, my son.

Thingfish: As superintendent of this shootin’ match its immoral if we don’t show a profit and placate our stockholders.

Gandhi: Many of your stockholders are already rich. Why do they want to level a beautiful mountain to enhance their fortunes?

Kingfish: Oddly enough the molybdenum we pull out of Red Lady’s guts will build mountain bikes for mindless recreationalists and tennis racquets for the idle rich...but that’s really not the point, Mr. Gandhi. The point is jobs.

Jobs!

Enter Momma (the High Country Citizen’s Alliance spokesperson) and her daughter Sapphire, who among other accomplishments has been a questionable marriage to Thingfish.

Gandhi: Jobs, is it? That’s what the British said when they invaded India in the Eighteenth Century, and at least they built good roads.

Momma: They won’t come in here and mine. We’ll kick them out one way of the other like we did in the late 70s.

Right over might! We’ll put signs up all over town and have a dance and...

Sapphire: Now, momma, mining might not be so bad. It’s progress like those Habitat shacks and Wal-Mart and the new City Market in Gunnison. It’s sure to help trailer sales and increase the tin building ratio from here to Saguache.

Momma: And the coal company came with the world’s largest shovel...What we need is a vigil...or maybe a hootenanny. That’s it. People will respond to this crisis. The people won’t let Amax come in. We’ll pool our funds and... set up another green belt, or maybe a conservancy.

Gandhi: Hold your horses, momma. Get real. The only way to defeat these molly mongers is by nonviolent resistance.

It worked in India. It reminds me of a dream I once had while traveling by rail from Durban to Cape Town.

Thingfish: Will this take long? I’ve got work to do. Water rights are a very lengthy and messy business.

Gandhi: Once upon my dream there was plenty to eat and life was good. Then one day the caliph decided that he wanted to have more than everyone else. He called it divine right and said he deserved more due to his station as ruler of the land. He began to eat...and eat...and eat. After a short while the poorest of the peasants, who had been getting by all right, began to see a shortage of food. Soon he had none.

The caliph told him to be patient, that he would be better off because of the redistribution of provisions. Things got worse. Their livestock starved. Soon the merchant class was

hungry, then the nobility. In a matter of one year, the caliph had grown fat while the landscape was barren. No one had the energy to work the fields and grow food. After a while, even the caliph was hungry. Soon the people had killed all the wild animals for food and were forced to return to their ancient origins in the sea where they were quickly devoured by giant fish that had never heard my story.

Thingfish: What’s your point, Mr. Gandhi?

Gandhi: My point, Mr. Thingfish, is that no mater how you attempt to rationalize it some things are just wrong... like tearing down a beautiful mountain to make fat men in some East Coast boardroom rich. Then, to complicate matters there is the impact on the lives of the people already living nearby.

Thingfish: What’s the matter with our plan for “The Last Great Mining Town in the West”? They’ll be jobs, and well...jobs...

Momma: And traffic congestion and all the social ills that go with booms. Then one day Amax will have had enough and they will move to the next slaughter zone, leaving behind an evil legacy for our children to clean up.

Thingfish: Now Momma, Amax is a responsible, environmentally sound corporation.

Momma: What about Climax?

Thingfish: Ummmm....Moly...That was then, this is now.

Sapphire: I liked Mr. Gandhi’s dream. Can I buy it on cassette? I want to find out what happened to the caliph?

Momma: Sapphire, honey, Mr. Gandhi’s dream was just a metaphor like skier days, bronze passes, trophy homes and tailings ponds. Now where did I leave my monkey wrench?

Continued sooner than we’d like

Vulcan Homeland Proposed A final vote slated for Friday in the Senate will determine when and if a Vulcan Homeland will be established in the Rocky Mountain region. The Vulcans, long time allies of our Federation, have been lobbying for their own territory since 1974 when they were driven from their planet by the evil Clingons.

Sites now being considered include Sapinero, Colorado; Page, Arizona and Mexican Hat, Utah. As readers will note the Lake Powel area has been a sacred place in Vulcan mythology since 1956. The landed aliens have been pushing for their own nation within the United States due to problems of assimilation into our general culture.

“They make fun of my kid at school because of his ears,” said one local Vulcan. “They’ll hum a different tune when they have to face him in a wrestling match,” he said, apparently referring to the heralded Vulcan Nerve Pinch, common to the species and perfected by science officer Spock aboard the Starship Enterprise in the Sixties.

It was not immediately clear if vulcanoid Romulans would be assimilated into the new Vulcan homeland.

Colorado Senator Oral Noise, who sells real estate to many Vulcans, told The Horseshoe that he would like to see the measure pass through the House and Senate at full warp speed.

- Ernest T. Bass

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Page 18 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011 No credit check when you pay cash for one of our lovely trailers. Rural Blight Trailer Park, Hermosa.

Don’t lose focus.

This week’s specials at the Aspen Salvation Army include a 1992 Saab (with very low mileage as owner could not drive a stick): $23.50. Several Russian sable fur coats (seized at the airport): From $4. A complete John Denver Songbook: Make offer. Many brand new skis stuffed into our dumpster: 2/$3.

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Public Notice: The Colorado Deadbeat Hall of Fame is closing as of March 15 unless all dues are paid up by then. Please take care of this matter immediately.

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Spring clearance: Stairways to Heaven. Good condition. Only 6000 years old. 2 for 1 through May 15. Colona Temple.

Learn to talk like a sailor. Introduction to creative nautical terminology. Graduation in spring. Box 1342, Horseshoe NEW WAVE EDITOR: For heavy metal quasiliberal, culturally demeaning periodical dealing with automatic weaponry and floral arrangement. F-9 in your programs.

WE CARE TOO! Where will we be in the event of nuclear blackmail? Prostitutes for Peace, a non-profit organization urges the containment of nuclear production. Our objective is to persuade the generals to stop playing with their missiles and hand them over to us. Make sense? We could use your financial support. We are experts in trajectory, disengagement and miss-fire. PFP, Fandango, CO. FIREWOOD: We just planted an entire forest of juniper and pinon. It should be ready by the year 2065. Now taking orders at this year’s prices with full deposit. Funnyside Trees.

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Alcohol counselor needed to aid indecisive patrons. Nick’s Asbestos Lounge, Nucla.

Roommates needed: Deluxe apartment in Mt CB. I am a lover of loud music, big dogs and dust. I never do dishes, take out the trash or make my bed. I borrow money often and hang out with creeps.

Prefer weak-kneed elderly couple or young women on the run. Blackie, Blue Jay Way.

Teens: Parents won’t let you have a car?

Won’t let you stay out as late as you like? Make you stay in school? Call Sociable Services. Together we can keep our jobs and make it hot for them. We’re on your side. Ask your counselor.

Wanted: Three morons to work swing shift. We already have five in our employ and would like a complete set. Must be able to grasp the concept: “Close cover before striking”. PEA GREEN MATCH COMPANY. Bartender needed for busy loan office. Also, need tellers for bedtime stories. Who’s On First National Bank, Wimpton Branch.

STAG FILMS. Friday nights. DOW. AKC Chocolate Labs. Just delicious! Ray at Wimpton Speedway.

Join the Kitten of the Month Club and every month of the year a new kitten will be delivered to your door. Just $2000. Ages, intelligence and health may vary. See your vet.

Address all inquiries to Fritz, 21 Yampa Way, San Rafael, CA. Got some extra cash sitting around collecting dust? I could use it. Consultations, encounters, Tupperware parties. Alva Corkscrew, Salida.

Ride wanted to Nepal. Will pay gas and help with driving. Julian in Santa Fe, NM.

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Reply to: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net S K Y B E A M

Spring 2011 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Page 19 IF WE CAN’T sell your home in 90 days we’ll burn it to the ground and split the insurance money. We’re desperate. Reality Realty, Indian Massacre Highway, Wimpton.

Ranch House: 3 1/7 bedrooms, 2 3/8 baths located on 14 5/8 acres (6 5/8 irrigated). Truly a rare property. Courtesan Realty.

Below market: Three bedroom basement apartment.

Convenient to shopping. Use of parking lot and shopping carts.

Trallop Realty, Yahoo Mesa.

Need house in Crested Butte or Telluride for week in March. twenty bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths would be nice. Call Tulsa Ski Club.

Earn up to $1000 per week in your own home stuffing hate mail. Benny Spit, Tiny Town.

We break up fights, terminate marriages, interrupt meetings, hold up traffic, hinder construction, obstruct justice and butt into domestic disputes, check progress. Otis Interruptus, Placerville.

Red: You’re rude, ignorant, aggressive and selfish.

In addition, your breath smells like a water buffalo convention. Don’t ever change - Evelyn.

Small ranching operation needs experienced cattle guard for bad neighborhood. Will trade beef or..?

Simon Simone, Illium.

LARGE-BREASTED WOMAN SEEKS HELP CHOPPING WOOD. DIAL 5.

Public Notice: Edith Bunker National Forest will be closed for the month of April so the snow can begin melting without interference from Multiple Use Advocates and Militant Environmental Concerns. Sorry.

Current credit cards needed to build temporary housing in Third World countries.

UNICEF. Bullpen chaplain needed for women’s expansion baseball team. Send particulars to the Denver Omelets.

Tired of that tedious weekly trek to the grocery? Tune in to the Clone Shopping Network and select from full-color pictures of the finest prime meats, fresh vegetables, packaged goods and guaranteed notions. All are available 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Your stomach doesn’t take a vacation and neither does the Clone Shopping Network.

Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the summer season.

Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Experienced salesman needed to fill out staff of water experts. Position involves convincing Western Slope hayseeds to sign over water rights so that tasteless suburban development may flourish. Great pay and help in relocation down the road. Denver-Aurora Water Board. We’re ganging up on you for a brighter tomorrow!

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Kevin J. Haley Graphic design: Jessy Moreland • www.soulcb.com

Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427 sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

Roommate wanted: I am a very attractive 30-year-old secretary in a rut. Looking for an egotistical rock star that will soon be a legend do to kinky sexual performances out of the home and self-inflicted damage due to drugs and alcohol. Marriage possible with financial statement. Lola, Cola Creek, CB. The scheduled public burning of Barbara Streisand records will not take place due to complaints from environmentalists, the EPA, local crop dusters and local sheep ranchers.

Instead, we will burn the city of Atlanta Mercenaries for Family Values, Colorado Springs and other fine cities.

OPEN ALL YEAR IN SILVERTON 1129 Greene St.

387-5630

Breakfast Lunch Dinner fuLL Bar catering take-Out Closed Tuesdays and Wednesday

Where the locals eat!

Ridgway Natural Foods

Member-owned Co-Op

1075 Sherman Street (Hwy 62) in the Old School House at the west end of town)

626-9719 •www.ridgwaynaturalfoods.com Be good to yourself. Be good to the planet. Buy organic.

Chocolates with an accent!

BOMBIE’S MEXICAN FOOD LUNCH: WED-FRI DINNER: SATURDAY NIGHTS

OURAY, CO - OPEN ALL YEAR 480 Main St. • 325-4077 www.ouraycandy.com

Views of San Juans, living room, large bedroom, remodeled kitchen, one bath, office, porch, woodstove, mature trees & beautiful hardwood floors.

$155,900

240-9309 sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

Serving Lunch & Dinner Closed Mondays • Open Year Round Wacky Fing Flavors • Full Bar View to South

Page 20 ✦ San Juan Horseshoe ✦ Spring 2011

Can’t wait to get to the

SHANTY II Drive-Thru

Get Out In One

Burgers French Cut Fries Shakes Malts Expresso

SCUITS WHERE BI EET & GRAVY M !

ESPRESSO

A Western Slope favorite for decades!

Breakfast 7-11, Lunch 11-3 Open Thurs. - Sat. Nights!

Now Open Sundays

411 North Townsend Montrose (970) 252-0999

Yurts Tipis Tents Simple, sustainable and Affordable.

“Everyone winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight.”

800.288.3190 www.coloradoyurt.com

- Andy Warhol