8 Habits of Mindful Parents

What is mindful Parenting?

“Being a mindful parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent,” says Amy Zoe Schonhoff, a mindfulness trainer and educator. “It means bringing awareness to the relationship we’re having with ourselves and with our child…and bringing more nonjudgmental acceptance to the process of parenting.”

8 Habits

of Mindful Parents

Parental stress and frustration sometimes lead to hurtful or unhelpful remarks directed at kids like: “There’s no reason to cry,” “Why can’t you be more like your sister!” or “Hurry up!”

As Maya Angelou once said, “When you know better, do better.” That’s the gentle place where mindful parenting begins.

Here are eight things that parents who lean into mindfulness do.

Care for themselves. Recognize when your tank is running low. When people are hungry, tired, cranky, stressed or not feeling well, it’s more common to convey unintentional messages.

“It’s natural for parents to say things they regret,” says parent coach Julia Harkleroad, LCMFT and facilitator of ON Parenting: Powerful Conversations to Raise Successful Kids. “It’s excellent practice to understand the catalyst behind these statements and set up an environment that is more conducive to mindful, intentional responses.”

Create daily self-care rituals, like meditation, prayer, exercise or connecting with friends, which help manage day-to-day stress. Get more ideas in our article “10 Ways to Practice Self-Care” at www.sandiegofamily.com/ parenting/10-ways-to-practice-selfcare-a-guide-for-busy-parents. Pause before reacting. When emotions take the wheel, take a break. “Give yourself a timeout when you feel like you are about to unload on your child—even if that means delaying needed correction of the child,” says Mindy Hart, a divorce coach specializing in communication strategies and child-centered parenting. “Better to delay and come back at a rational point than to cause emotional scars and disengagement of the child.”

Parents who tell their children when they need a break are modeling healthy emotional regulation skills. “It’s good for kids to see us doing this because we are modeling that they can do that too—recognize when they’re getting dysregulated and hopefully take action,” Schonhoff says. Get curious. If your child frequently runs late in the morning or makes poor choices at school, get curious instead of frustrated or angry. Harkleroad recommends asking questions/ statements that start with “how…”, “tell me about…” or “I wonder if…”

“This leaves room for the child’s experience to inform the parent and help resolve the situation more effectively,” Harkleroad says. “Repeating back what you heard your child say is also helpful. Then ask, ‘Did I get that right?’”

Schonhoff realized the value of curiosity when her daughter was in preschool. What she thought was chronic tardiness due to not wanting to go to school, led to the discovery that her daughter had sensory processing issues. Putting clothes on was uncomfortable and time-consuming.

By getting curious instead of labeling her little one “never on time,” Schonhoff came to understand the issue and modified their morning routine.

Learn about developmental

milestones. Kids often behave in ways that don’t seem reasonable or logical to adults. But their behavior may correlate with their brain and/or socialemotional development.

“The capacity to self-regulate is not fully developed until [kids are] in their early 20s,” Schonhoff says. To better understand why your child acts out, talk to your healthcare provider to find out if their actions are developmentally appropriate. Then, strategize ways to best address the behavior.

If you have a little one who you’re concerned may not be reaching important milestones, read our article “Early Childhood Red Flags” at www.sandiegofamily.com/ parenting/i-think-my-child-isdifferent for information and resources.

Acknowledge feelings.

Repeatedly dismissing feelings (“Toughen up” or “Quit acting like a baby”) can be detrimental to children as they grow into adulthood.

According to Harkleroad, comments like this often produce insecure children who can’t make decisions independently, don’t listen to anyone anymore and/or can’t tolerate constructive criticism.

Instead, empathize. If a child is upset about leaving a playdate, you might say, “I know it’s hard to leave. You and James have fun together.”

Focus on desired behavior.

Getting kids to comply by using hurtful labels or comparisons creates confusion and insecurity. For divorced couples, Hart recommends avoiding remarks such as, “You are just like your father (or mother)!”

“Address behavior without likening it to the other parent,” Hart says. Otherwise, children may worry they will no longer be loved if they are like the other parent.

Establish a plan of action to coach desired behaviors (when everyone is calm) while still giving kids a sense of control. “I believe in using warnings, providing choices and having an evaluation process with the child after an event or experience,” Harkleroad says. Reflect. Take time to consider how your values guide you as a parent. “These could be principles such as patience, compassion, hard work, education, responsibility,” Harkleroad says. “When a parent models these values and guides children towards them, I believe the process flows more smoothly.”

Apologize. Apologizing when we make a mistake or hurt someone is important. “The most transformative interaction a parent can have with a child is to repair together after a misunderstanding or conflict,” Harkleroad says. When parents do this well, it helps children learn to be accountable for their own actions. v

Christa Melnyk Hines is a nationally published freelance writer. Regular meditation and daily walks help her more mindfully parent her teens.