P A P A D A D D Y ’ S
M I N D F I E L D
Daddy Ditties BY CLYDE EDGERTON
In 1968, I came across a little book
called The Mason Williams Reading Matter containing a poem called “Them Toad Suckers” and several other “them-poems” including “Them Tummy Gummers” and “Them Moose Goosers.” Other written material and photos — all perfectly tuned to 1968 — graced this little book. But in “Them Toad Suckers” I’d found a poem to recite at the least provocation for the next forty-five years and counting.
How bout them toad suckers, ain’t they clods, Sittin’ there sucking them green toady-frogs, Sucking them hop toads, suckin’ them chunkers, Sucking them leapy-types, suckin’ them plunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain’t they snappy, Sucking them bog-frogs, sure makes ’em happy. Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south, Sticking them sucky-toads in they mouth. How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it — Get yourself a toad, rare back and suck it. The poem is just irreverent enough for my literary tastes. So when I decided to put the poem in my book Papadaddy’s Book for New Fathers (as a kind of boiler plate model to use when writing them-poems with your children), I wrote Mason Williams and asked for permission. He said yes, go right ahead. I never thought about writing a them-poem myself until about a week ago when I was thinking through a couple of the more down-and-dirty aspects of fatherhood, like dealing with head lice and changing diapers. Here are my contributions to the literature of them-poems: THEM LICE-PICKERS How bout them lice pickers, I declare Picking them head lice from L. Ray’s hair. Pickin’ them hopping lice, picking’ them sleepers, 80
Salt • August 2013
Pickin’ them sneaky-types, pickin’ them peekers. Look at them teeny things, smaller than a freckle. Pick ’em at the mall and you might get a heckle. Them ricky-ticky lice pickers, sitting on the porch, Bobby Toomey’s daddy used a dern blow torch. How do you do it? — can’t catch ’em like a mouse. Just get yourself some tweezers, pick a lousy louse. THEM DIAPER CHANGERS How bout them diaper changers, ain’t they somethin’, Changing a diaper on a cute little punkin’. Changing them heavy diapers, changing them light, Changing them wet ones, better keep ‘em tight. Look at them diaper changers, most act happy, But a great big load could make you feel crappy. Them dog-tired diaper changers, looking to see, If it be poop or if it be pee. How to be a diaper changer, can’t rearrange it. If it smells funky, go ahead and change it. If you’re not a parent, you might think these poems are slightly off-color. But if you’ve been there, you probably don’t, and you may even want to celebrate parenting with your own them-poem . . . say, “Them Veggie Haters” or “Them Kitty Pinchers.” b Clyde Edgerton is the author of ten novels, a memoir, and a new work, Papadaddy’s Book for New Fathers. He teaches in the Creative Writing Department at UNCW. Illustration by Harry Blair. The Art & Soul of Wilmington