SALISBURY POST
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 • 9A
COLUMNS
Amy: To wait or not to wait — that is the question Dear Amy: My first real relationship was when I was 18. The relationship got serious quickly, but I still made him wait several months before sleeping with him. Now I’m 22 and on the brink of a new relationship. I’m wondering, is it a sign of immaturity if I make a guy wait a longer time than the ASK couple of AMY dates they’re used to waiting now? I know it’s all about “when I feel ready,” but do men find it respectable when a girl makes them wait, or does it seem as if she’s taking a relationship too seriously and therefore acting immature about it? — Confused Dear Confused: According to you, it could be a sign of
Dear Amy: A friend of mine died recently after a long battle with cancer. She had been a very social person until the last year of her life when she was too sick to get out much. During her last year, many of her lifelong friends dropped her. I continued to call her several times a week, took her to the movies and shopping, and when she couldn’t go out, I stopped by her home and brought her books or pastries that she liked. She told me how lonely she was and asked that I call specific friends and ask them to visit her. Two friends increased their visits. All of the others said they wouldn’t go to see her because it was too hard on them. This makes me angry; after all, they are alive and well and knew that our friend wouldn’t be with us much longer. Some of these “friends” had known her since child-
maturity if you have sex with a guy after two dates and a sign of immaturity if you wait to have sex. I understand that you think guys want girls to be casual about sex. But just as you have an idea of what you want your sexual and emotional life to be like, many guys do too. Sex is not a game, and “making people wait” is not necessarily a gauge of maturity. If mature people don’t want to have sex, they choose not to have sex. A couple in a serious relationship will discuss this — frequently. Sex means different things to different people, and men and women often interpret and react to sex (and the idea of sex) differently. In my experience, people often regret having sex. They seldom regret waiting to have sex. Your only job is to always act according to your own values.
hood. It might hurt me to see her dying, but think how much it must have hurt her to know that her friends wouldn’t come to see her in her last months! — Morgan Dear Morgan: Modern life has removed most of us so thoroughly from the real stuff of life that many people simply don’t believe they can cope with being exposed to physical suffering and its attendant confusion and sadness. They can cope with it, but they don’t know it, and their anxiety gives them “cover” to stay away. You sound like a good and constant friend. You might have helped some of your more reluctant friends to step up by bringing them along with you to show them how to have a good visit with someone who is ill. Some people also cope better when given a specific job. Your friends who found this
“too hard” might have been more comfortable providing a weekly meal or doing errands for your ill friend. Dear Amy: A wife wrote to you, concerned about her husband’s poor dental hygiene and bad breath. The wife should insist her husband see his dentist. Bad breath can be a sign of gingivitis, as well as other health issues, such as sinus or even lung problems. Gingivitis in itself can cause many problems as a chronic inflammatory process: kidney disease, heart disease, etc. If the dental visit doesn’t show anything, he should then see his primary care doctor to assess the cause of the bad breath. — Jim
mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Amy Dickinson’s memoir, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them” (Hyperion), is available in bookstores. TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES
News 24 hours a day.
Dear Jim: I agree that foulsmelling breath is often a sign of health problems and should be investigated. Thank you. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by
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Boomerang kids. Pretty descriptive, isn’t it? The term describes the whopping 85 percent of college seniors who moved back home with their parents after graduation last May, according to a poll by Twentysomething Inc., a marketing and research firm in Philadelphia. Unemployment has hit this age group hard. Without jobs, t h e r e ’ s MARY nowhere for HUNT these kids to go but back into their old bedrooms. When you send out your young adults to get married, to go to college or to live independently, you don’t plan that they’ll come back to live at home again. Whether your kid returns home due to tough economic times, a failed marriage or just to get his or her bearings after college, it can be very stressful unless everyone understands and shares the same expectations. You need a whole new set of house rules for when life throws you a boomerang. • Payment. Insist that they pay rent or make some other form of financial contribution. You might need to haul out the old chores chart to create some kind of bartering arrangement, so that at the very least they are buying groceries, paying utilities or paying a third of the rent. • Harmony. The boomerang has to respect the mother and her rules. Period. This isn’t about power plays or defiance. It's about civility and basic subordination. • Temporary. This should be a onetime event with both a start and an end date, and not subject to renewal. • Laundry. As difficult as it may be, resist all temptation to do the boomerang’s laundry. Remember you are not agreeing to this living arrangement to create a life of ease for your boomerang. Things need to be generally austere, or you may find yourself dealing with the temptation to do his or her laundry for years beyond what might be considered reasonable. • Bills. Boomerangs will undoubtedly arrive with bills. Do not pay these. Do not even think about it. Boomerangs must take full responsibility for all bills, even if that requires a menial job or two. • Transportation. Living privileges should not extend to your car. Nor should you drive said boomerang around the way you did many years ago. Boomerangs are on their own to get around. • Parking. Make it very clear what the parking arrangements are. Boomerangs, by all rights, should park on the street, not occupy the primo garage or driveway space if that requires you or your spouse to park on the street. • Food. Come up with a plan that is acceptable to all parties. Do not leave this matter undiscussed. • Chores. Boomerangs need to be involved in the house. Chores should be spelled out in writing. Err on the side of being too detailed and specific. Remember, this is the same kid who was the master at finding loopholes not so many years ago.