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Incense can’t hold a candle to bacon
Yum!
Damn fine car A security camera has caught a man having sex with a Porsche in a garage in Thailand. The man is seen on camera walking around the Porsche and checking out its luscious curves, before kneeling down and having his way with the car’s front and rear ends. It’s unlikely the car got much out of the encounter, as the prospect of a reacharound was less than practicable. It’s understood the man is yet to call.
Japanese variety show AKBingo! has made global headlines after a segment in which two contestants competed to blow a cockroach into the other’s mouth. The game involved a clear plastic tube with a cockroach in the middle, and one woman blowing into each end. The game ended with the cockroach seemingly hurled right down one contestant’s throat.
UK bakery chain Greggs has delivered the ultimate crowdpleaser: a bacon sandwichscented candle. Billed as “The Nation’s favourite smell to wake up to”—presumably because Britain contains no vegetarians, Muslims or Jewish people—the candle promises to fill British homes with the tantalising scent of dead pig. The news follows Kentucky Fried Chicken’s announcement of a KFC-scented candle, and Burger King’s launch, in Japan, of a Whopper-scented aftershave. Figures from 2013 show that 62.1 per cent of British adults are overweight or obese.
Cheep dental
Skinny driving Michigan woman Jessie Schwaub-Devault was arrested after drink-driving the wrong way down the street, refusing to stop for the police and fleeing on foot—all while naked. Her family, whom she dropped off before she was pulled over, were also naked.
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Otago University was left cursing its now useless investment in a world-class dental school, after a small parrot showed that tooth extraction really isn’t that difficult. Anton Andoshchuk, a boy from Ferndale, Washington, has now enlisted his pet Quaker parrot to pull out five of his baby teeth. The fifth extraction was filmed and uploaded to YouTube on 24 April. Standing on Andoshchuk’s shoulder, the parrot leans into his, grabs the loose molar in its beak and spends a few seconds yanking and twisting before coming away with the tooth.
Police not Social Darwinists Massachusetts police have warned campers that chasing bears through the woods with a blunt hatchet while drunk is “strongly not advised”. They were prompted to issue the reminder after a man chased a bear through the woods with a blunt hatchet while drunk. Police reiterated that this is “a bad idea and not going to end well”. The man was taken into protective custody to sober up.