The “I Do Not Accept His Breakup” Excuse Dear Greg, Okay, so my music video boyfriend dumped me because he’s an asshole, but now I have some of his stuff in my apartment and I’m not going to give it back because I know he’s going to change his mind, and I keep calling him and calling him to try to get him to change his mind, which I know he will, because I know he really does love me and he doesn’t mean this, but all he wants is his stupid Palm Pilot back. A guy doesn’t say all the nice things he said to me and take me to all the cool parties he took me to and introduce me to all his cool friends and then just suddenly change his mind. People don’t just totally, totally like someone one day and then wake up and not want to be with them the next. I’m so completely devastated because I really, really loved him. You might not believe me, Greg, but I really did love him and I loved being with him and now I can’t even get out of bed ’cause I’ve been crying so much. He’s just in a bad mood and I’m not going to believe him. Nikki FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Nikki, I’m sorry you got dumped. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but now’s not the time to gloat. What you need to do immediately is turn down the psychotic. Calling him incessantly and holding his stuff ransom is really no way to win a man back. In fact that’s the best way to elicit the “What did I ever see in that psycho bitch?” response. Whatever happened to that super-confident, strong-willed woman? Has she been reduced to a groveling lunatic? No she hasn’t, so cut it out, Nikki. Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober (he was drinking excessively), and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of (not that I was judging). It doesn’t matter, because you cannot change his mind. Oh, Nikki, please behave, because what will really haunt you later is not losing the excessive-drinker-who-didn’t-ever-want-to-get-married-and-was-too-busy-and-self-important-for-you, but how you behaved during the breakup. I swear. One simple rule, ladies: Always be classy. Never be crazy. Okay, actually it’s two simple rules, but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them. If for no other reason, it will ensure that you never have that awful memory of cutting his clothes in half or dumping his dog on the side of the road.
It’s So Simple A guy says he doesn’t want to be with you. Sometimes that guy realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. And then sometimes he doesn’t. Either way, either way, your only job is to move on with your life, and fast. He can always try to chase you down as you’re running down the block. If he does, just remember that it will sound like this: “Let’s get back together.” “Let’s go into counseling.” “Let’s try again.” “I miss you. I made a mistake. I want to be with you.” Here’s what it won’t sound like: “Will you walk my dog?” “Just calling to check in.” “Want to see that movie?” “Will you go to Cousin George’s wedding with me?”
Here’s What’s Hard About This One, by Liz Oh, I don’t know, how about loving someone and being with them and knowing their family and friends and every inch of their body and seeing them naked every day and never having felt this way before and feeling like your whole life has changed for the better and compiling hours and days and weeks of happy memories and thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life together and then finding out that in fact he doesn’t even want to see you…tomorrow. And so is it so wrong to wait around looking for a glimmer, a ray, a sign of hope from him that perhaps he has second thoughts about it? That perhaps he has come to his senses and realized you were the best thing that ever happened to him, that no one will ever be as good to him as you were, that he won’t find anyone who he can connect with on such a deep and profound level and who understands him as much as you do? Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to continue to talk to him, see him, bake him cookies, buy him presents, burn him CDs, feed his fish, talk to his parents, call up his friends, break into his voice mail…just kidding. But seriously, is it so wrong to handle a breakup in a classy, mature, loving manner, where you keep in contact and talk and remain friendly and perhaps go to the movies on occasion? And would it be so terrible if perhaps the by-product of that classy mature behavior is that he comes to his senses and realizes you were the best thing that ever happened to him? Would that be so terrible? I don’t think so. I think it’s a smart, scrappy plan that shows a fine combination of wile and maturity. I can’t believe that in the history of mankind and breakups, it has never ever worked. What is wrong with these men? Fine. Breakups, I’ve heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching…keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. Again, for the most part, we kind of know this. You’re not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. But what are we supposed to do instead? How are we going to fill our time if we’re not trying to win him back (while we keep trying to convince our friends that we’re really not), huh?
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