match of the day It’s human nature to have unrealistic expectations of their potential partners. We don’t talk about the stuff that matters—are we a couple? Do you love me? Why did you ghost* me and reappear three months later?—because it’s uncomfortable. Hence, our expectations guide us. But, when your expectations and mine don’t match we get upset. I think it’s always best to start out with good intentions and no expectations. As things progress, check in and discuss what’s on your mind. It’s your heart, protect it. In general, I think we’re better off with dating apps because we are introduced to more people. But they have also created a Pending Better Offer (PBO) attitude—we always have one foot out of the door thinking we might get someone better if we keep on swiping. We need to think less about ‘finding’ the best love and more about ‘making’ it. Dating apps have also made us forget that the people we’re swiping on are humans with feelings, hopes and dreams, and our online brashness and IRL ghosting have consequences. Modern dating is brutal. My advice to get that second date? If you like the person, flirt, make jokes (and laugh at theirs), break the physical barrier (i.e. make contact in a comfortable and appropriate way). Learn about each other by asking questions (“What do you do for a living?”
does not cut it), have fun, throw in a couple of compliments, don’t take yourself so seriously. Obviously, if you’re no longer interested in the person you are under no obligation to flirt or break the physical barrier.
or number of Instagram followers. Identify, understand and accept what is truly important to you and discard the rest. I haven’t had any terrible dates (thankfully). I guess I should say something about my husband for the best date but that would be a lie.
You are worth more than the sum of your deals or the size of your bank account
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in this job is that most people want to be intellectually stimulated but have a hard time getting into deep conversation and would rather stay in the safe zone (small talk). I now offer conversation coaching to help people get more comfortable segueing and asking more probing questions. That’s where you make the real connection.
I think the biggest mistake people make on a date is forgetting it’s a date. It is a date. You’re not networking and you’re not out with a friend. You’re on a date because there was at least a little spark of attraction. Don’t lose it. If you often get frozen because of first-date nerves, watch Amy Cuddy’s TED talk and try power posing.
What has surprised me most is that most men are OK dating a woman who is taller than them but it is a big deal for women. I’m on a crusade to change that!
My advice for singles in Hong Kong? First things first: put your phone away and get to know yourself. Love yourself, forgive yourself, treat yourself right. You are worth more than the sum of your deals or size of your bank account
There’s no secret to finding love: If you want a healthy relationship you need to love yourself first because all love is self-love. * When someone suddenly stops all communication with the person they’ve been seeing, the theory being that the person being ignored will “get the hint”.
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