really a safe space for me. For all the grand ideas that I had that tensions would unease greatly after me saying the words to my family...I was immensely disappointed.
Mudit Ganguly6
It is, as if, the comfort with sexualities other than the hetero-normative ones only come in doses. The acceptable doses is evidently for a person who is ‘nice’ and doesn’t have sex, doesn’t kiss, doesn’t hold hands in public, doesn’t express his/her desires. Often the idea of repressing one’s sexual desires is seen even in progressive spaces like pride. For instance, one of the announcements made before the Bangalore Pride in 2014 was that people should restrain from kissing or showing any outwardly affection on the streets because it might ruin the chances of getting police permissions. Or many people being uncomfortable with the ‘queer movement in India’ being associated with ‘sex’ at all. What is exactly wrong with it? Yes, it is not all about the sex but it is an extremely important part of many of us. Subtracting the sexual from sexuality does not really do persons who are already fighting internal and external battles with themselves and others any good. Even when I would be in the most intimate moments with another person in bed, I would crave the loneliness because being comfortable with intimacy per se is something even our ‘movement’ is not comfortable with. The sense of shame that I would carry with me to the bed would only be remedied by deliberately making myself feel alone.
I would feel suffocated with any sort of relationship whenever I would achieve certain level of comfort. I would deliberately pick fight with my friends because I couldn’t handle not being alone. Is this behavior particularly related to my orientation? I honestly don’t know. For all I know now is that, I really need to get that woman off that edge of the cliff and maybe help her start befriending people who live in the town nearby. 60