Ask Beth by Beth Brubaker
Dear Beth, How much discipline should I give my six year-old when she does something wrong? Sometimes I think I'm too hard with my kids, and other times I think I'm too soft. Help!
-- Mixed-Up Mom Dear Mixed-Up, Sometimes it's hard to determine just what the right amount of discipline is for our kids. God tells us as parents that we must discipline our children, but not to the point of exasperation. In other words, let the punishment fit the crime. Using this as a guide will help you to decide what's best, especially for those kids in the single digits. For instance: You make a mess, you clean it up. You don't clean it up, I make you clean it (usually by standing in the same room and giving instructions), and add an additional cleaning chore on top of it. If the child still refuses, I tell them to do what I asked or it's time to break out the paddle. My kids had three chances to make good on their bad deeds, and once they understood that, it rarely got to the point of paddling. If the deed is something against another person (adult or child), an apology is in order once tempers cool down (or a letter of apology if they can write). Then the child should do something nice for that person, whether that be getting them something to eat or drink, making a drawing for that person, or some other act of goodwill. This will not only teach them to be forgiving (by acts of kindness), but it will teach them to be more respectful of others. Disciplines like staying in a corner don't work alone. There needs to be action afterward. Having a 'time out' will allow the child to calm down, but if there is no other disciplinary action after the fact, the lesson gets lost. Tell him why he was put there, ask how he intends to not do it again and don't forget to get an apology for the behavior. Then give him a kiss and a hug and drop the matter! Holding bad behavior over a child's head only reinforces the negative feelings, and can lead to bad self-esteem. Stick to the rules. Telling a child she won't have something (like a snack) as a disciplinary action then giving it to her later that day (because she was being so good) is not sticking to your own rules. If you can't stick to them, why should your child? Another good thing to remember is to not mete out discipline that you can't possibly keep, like no meals for a week. We might want to threaten that, but if we don't follow through, your children won't respect your authority. And if you do follow through, you might just have social services knocking on your door! Be careful what you promise! If the bad deed was small, so should the discipline be. The more serious the offense, the more serious the consequences. But you have to determine that for yourself, and stick to it. And don't forget to tell them afterwards that you do this because you love them, and that God loves them too!
~~ Beth 43