Parenting Town&Gown’s
2016
Choosing an elementary school for your child?
Come see what makes our schools special! Call to arrange a tour: Corl Street Elementary, Scott Mato, Principal................................(814) 231-1185 Easterly Parkway Elementary, Michael Maclay, Principal.............(814) 231-1170 Ferguson Township Elementary, Charlotte Zmyslo, Principal.....(814) 231-4119 Gray’s Woods Elementary, Kris Dewitt, Principal...........................(814) 235-6100 Houserville Elementary, Todd Dishong, Principal.........................(814) 231-5026 Lemont Elementary, Todd Dishong, Principal................................(814) 231-5034 Mount Nittany Elementary, Debra Latta, Principal.......................(814) 272-5970 Park Forest Elementary, Donnan Stoicovy, Principal....................(814) 231-5010 Radio Park Elementary, Zachary Wynkoop, Principal...................(814) 231-4115 For a map of enrollment areas for each school, please see www.scasd.org/enrollmentmap For registration information, contact Heather Card at hvc11@scasd.org or (814) 231-1017, or visit our website at www.scasd.org/registration.
You can also stop by our booth at Countdown to Kindergarten, at the Nittany Mall on Saturday, Feb. 13, 10 a.m. - 1 p.m. Follow us! StateCollegeSchoolDistrict @StateCollegeSD StateCollegeSchoolDistrict www. scasd.org
Engaging library program with phenomenal book selection • CEEL program for before- and after-school care • Diverse student body
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Parenting 4 Letter from the Editor
6 Making the Caring Decision — and Transition Happy Valley parents benefit from a variety of childcare options and support • by Jennifer Babulsky
10 A Buffet of Activities Region offers a variety of opportunities for kids • by Aimee Morgan
14 Ready for Their Checkup Preparing kids for a visit to the doctor’s can be a challenge • by Jodi Morelli
18 Handling a Hidden Problem What parents need to know about teen self-harm • by Jennifer Seidenberg, MD
22 The Dating Scene It can be a little scary when a child is ready to “date” someone, but, as with most things, communication is key • by Jodi Morelli
25 The Parent Network Moms and dads see benefits and dangers of social media • by Kelly Valeri
2 - Parenting 2016
Parenting Publisher Rob Schmidt
Business Manager Aimee Aiello
Founder Mimi Barash Coppersmith
Administrative Assistant Hailee Miller
Editorial Director David Pencek
Distribution Handy Delivery
Creative Director Tiara Snare Operations Manager/Assistant Editor Vilma Shu Danz Art Director/Photographer Darren Weimert Graphic Designer Cody Peachey Ad Coordinator Laura Specht Account Executives Kathy George, Debbie Markel
To contact us: Mail: 403 S. Allen St., State College, PA 16801 Phone: (814) 238-5051, (800) 326-9584 Fax: (814) 238-3415 dpenc@barashmedia.com (Editorial) rschmidt@barashmedia.com (Advertising) We welcome letters to the editor that include a phone number for verification. COPYRIGHT 2016 by Barash Media. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced by any process except with written authorization from Town&Gown or its publisher. Phone: 800-326-9584, 814-238-5051. FAX: 814-238-3415. Printed by Gazette Printers, Indiana, PA.
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Tiara Snare
Parenting Some of the kids of Barash include, from left, Maddie Morelli, Ryan Pencek, Owen Snare, Anna Aiello, Remy Miller, Jakob Morelli, and Elizabeth and Henry Danz.
Letter from the Editor Welcome to the second edition of Town&Gown’s Parenting, which can hopefully help answer some — but I can guarantee not all — of your questions when it comes to some of the topics covered in this year’s publication. As parents know, no one book, magazine, or story can cover everything when it comes to caring for your child or children. And besides, as I’ve discovered in raising my two sons, what’s good for one child isn’t necessarily good for another. At Barash Media, we have seven people who are parents to high school-aged children or younger — some of those children are featured in the above photo and photos on page 2. Each of us is dealing with different concerns and issues as parents. But each of us is similar and just like many of you in that we’re just trying to do what’s best for our kids and hoping we’re raising them right so as they grow up they will make good choices for themselves.
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What we try to do with this publication is cover various topics for different age groups. This year, for parents of newborns who are planning to go back to work and are thinking about childcare, there’s “Making the Caring Decision — and Transition.” For parents of older children, you can find stories on taking kids to the doctors for the first time, on some of the great activities children can take part in here, and on when it’s an appropriate time for a child to start dating. Also, in “The Parent Network,” some local parents talk about the benefits and also the negative aspects to social media when it comes to parenting. We hope you enjoy this year’s edition. Feel free to contact me with any thoughts or questions — or even some parenting advice!
David Pencek Editorial Director dpenc@barashmedia.com
2016 Parenting - 5
Parenting
Contributing photos (2)
Making the Caring Decision — and Transition
Being Jewish, I also did not want my son in a religious-affiliated daycare, which definitely cut out on options for us here in State College. We were looking for a place where we felt the teachers really cared about our child, cared about his development and safety, and where he could stay until kindergarten.” Brandon attends Step by Step in State Happy Valley parents benefit from College, and Melissa says he is flourishing. a variety of childcare options and “The teachers are amazing,” says Melissa, who is director of the Presidential Leadership Academy and support director of diversity for outreach and engagement at Penn State’s Schreyer’s Honors College. “He is By Jennifer Babulsky sociable, loves going to ‘school,’ and is learning a great amount. We were really looking for a place Melissa Doberstein and her husband, Eric, are that felt welcoming and friendly, and we felt a good planners. Before their son, Brandon, now 2, was connection with the staff. They are also Keystone born, the Dobersteins knew they needed to plan rated No. 3 and are actively working on the No. 4 where Brandon would go when both returned to rating. We really went with my gut! work after his birth. Armed with a list of questions “We have teacher conferences every six months and criteria, they found the transition from home with his teacher, and he runs to his classroom to childcare was an easy one for the whole family. every morning. He has made friends and loves “I was 16 weeks pregnant when we started the schedule they have, which is one of the most looking at daycares, on the recommendation important things. He does spend more time at of friends to start since there are waiting daycare than he does at home during the week, so lists,” says Melissa, 37, of State College. “I was knowing he is in a nurturing, supported, and loving concerned my first choice of daycare would environment where he is learning and having fun is not have any spots open, as well as the price. very important to us.” While the Dobersteins have found the transition to daycare an Melissa easy one and have found a center Doberstein everyone in the family loves, the (left) with transition can be difficult for some, her husband, especially for families who do not Eric, and son, have a lot of information on where Brandon, who to go for options, what questions attends Step by to ask, or how their child will Step daycare in adjust. That can lead to a lot of State College. confusion, nervousness, and fear. “The difficulties that parents face varies, depending on the age of their children. However, the expense of childcare seems to affect families across age groups,” says Allison Newlen, director at Hide-N-Seek Christian Daycare in Lewistown. Newlen spent the last nine years working in Centre County 6 - Parenting 2016
Tim and Melissa Graham decided a home-based childcare program was best for their daughter, Amelia.
as a preschool teacher and administrator, including two years with Child Development and Family Council of Centre County, which houses Child Care Information Services of Centre County. “Fortunately, there are several funding streams in the state of Pennsylvania to help ease this burden for families, such as subsidized funding [CCIS], Head Start, and Pre K Counts, in addition to any private scholarships individual facilities might give.” She says many parents she encounters also feel guilty about having their children in childcare, but others feel the social aspect and the learning children engage in through play are incredibly valuable. “I do see that first-time parents of infants and often parents that are placing a child in childcare for the first time struggle,” she says. “It often appears more difficult for the parent than the child. I always encourage them to call and check on their baby, no matter their age. Choosing the right early-learning program is not easy for most families.” So what can parents and caregivers do to make the transition from home to childcare easier for everyone? Pennsylvania’s Promise for Children (papromiseforchildren.com) offers a checklist parents and caregivers can use to prepare for researching childcare options, including tips for
what to look out for, questions to ask, and more. While some things are a matter of preference, such as choosing between a home-based childcare program and a childcare center, other decisions impact children’s safety and what he or she will learn. Pennsylvania’s Promise for Children suggests using the Early Learning GPS at earlylearninggps.com to compare childcare programs. The Web site includes a program checklist tab to download questions to ask when visiting a program, and answers can then be entered. People can compare answers to as many programs as desired. “Most of a child’s brain development takes place before they turn 5 years old,” says Karen Krise, a Local Education and Resource Network (LEARN) lead for Clearfield, Centre, and Clinton counties. LEARN partners are affiliated with Pennsylvania’s Promise for Children. “The environment in which they spend many of their waking hours becomes critical when you keep this fact in mind. If parents feel overwhelmed, they should narrow the list to just a few programs to investigate and then make a list of the most important items to look for and approach it in a step-by-step systematic method. Also, try to enlist someone to help you.” 2016 Parenting - 7
Some things to look for when researching and/ or meeting with childcare options include the Keystone STARS rating, which rates childcare programs from one to four stars; safety and security of children; good teachers and specialists to support children; and a kid-friendly atmosphere with learning areas and activities that are right for your child’s age and development. “Credentials are important, but I think more important is to visit and spend time observing a program,” Krise says. “Any legitimate program should welcome parents to visit and spend as much time as they wish before enrolling their child. If a program resists visitors, that would be a red flag for me.” Jill Fallon, director of Kid’s Court Childcare and Learning Center in State College, suggests parents bring their children with them on visits. “Allow your child to see the different environments and ask him/her for feedback if they are able,” she says. “Children are very perceptive, and mostly they are happy to share their thoughts. It is also important to have a list of questions for the director and even the staff of things you want to know. If the question is important to you, it should be important to the people caring for your child.
“During the initial tour of our center, I make sure to thoroughly cover important questions that I know families want to know. I explain our center policies so families know what to expect right from the start. … If families are especially nervous, I encourage them to call, stop in to visit, or even observe their children from afar to see how they are adjusting. Families are always welcome at the center.” When Melissa Graham, 28, and her husband, Tim, 33, of Bellefonte, began looking for childcare options for their now 5-month-old daughter, Amelia, they started the search early and decided a homebased childcare program worked best for their family. “We love the fact that she’s in a more cozy, less ‘institutional’ environment, and that she’s also with children of varying ages,” says Melissa Graham, a certified ophthalmic assistant. “She’s going to have role models to follow in regards to walking and talking, and because the older children are learning so many things to prepare them for preschool and kindergarten, Amelia is already being exposed to all of that and will continue to have that exposure.” No matter what childcare option parents make, Graham suggests people follow what feels right for them. “Our daughter went into daycare when she was 7
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weeks old, so she didn’t really need much adjusting,” she says. “It was Mommy that needed to get used to it. To prepare, I mostly just tried to keep things in perspective. I knew I had to go back to work, and I knew that her being in the care of someone who provides childcare for a living was a much better plan. It’s all well and good for me to want to be home with her now, but when she starts walking and talking and learning about the world around her, I feel more confident in letting someone who cares for children for a living give her that foundation. Once I got over the initial shock of being back at work and not home with my peanut every day, I began feeling OK about things. Plus, it just makes our time together in the mornings and evenings that much more special.” Stephanie Fost of Bellefonte remembers a lot of crying when her 4-year-old son, Linden, started at Calvary Kid Care in Boalsburg as a baby. But it was not Linden doing the crying. “I cried a lot,” Fost, executive director of American Red Cross serving Central Pennsylvania, says. “I wish I was kidding, but I can remember going the first day to drop Linden off and I thought I couldn’t even go, that my husband would have to do it. Then I thought I would just stay in the car so
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Pennsylvania’s Promise for Children papromiseforchildren.com (717) 213-2074 that my last images could be my husband (Brooks, 34, environmental consultant) holding him. Then I realized I had to go in. So I simply sobbed. The caregiver in the infant class and the director still remember my red, sobbing face.” Fost’s tears eventually dried. “Our family is still with the same daycare that we started at,” she says. “They are truly an extension of our family. Our son is old enough to love his classmates and teachers, which makes each day a bit easier.” T&G Jennifer Babulsky is a freelance writer based in State College and programming coordinator of the Center for Women Students at Penn State.
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2016 Parenting - 9
Parenting
A Buffet of Activities Region offers a variety of opportunities for kids By Aimee Morgan Siri Newman has two very active daughters. Both 7-year-old Parker and 11-year-old Sage have been enrolled in a variety of sports and activities over the years, including soccer, volleyball, gymnastics, running club, swim team, ski team, and Shaver’s Creek summer camp. “We love to hike around at Shaver’s Creek, exploring the trails, our natural environment, and having a new experience every time,” says Newman. Like many parents, Newman and her husband try to support their kids in pursuing activities and sports that are important to them and capture their kids’ interests. Fortunately, Happy Valley offers an abundance of activities that the trouble becomes narrowing down which ones your kids will do. “This town has no limit on activities and things to do with kids,” Newman says. “I think what has worked for our family is to try to
10 - Parenting 2016
Children and families can enjoy exploring nature at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center.
develop an understanding of what our kids really enjoy, and then work to do what we can to create opportunities for them to engage in that activity.” When it comes to their artistic side, Parker and Sage have enjoyed the new designer club at the Makery in State College, an arts and craft studio specializing in creative classes, parties,
and events. The two also are involved with Singing Onstage, a professional musical theater training and performance program in State College. The family also enjoys visiting the Palmer Museum of Art. “It typically is a quick visit where we explore the art, look for our favorite pieces, or see a new exhibit and then stop in the museum gift shop to look at all the beautiful items for sale,” says Newman. She says her favorite thing to do with the kids is to go on hikes and explore the natural world. “The closest location for us is Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, and we love to go there after school and do some exploring and watch the changes through the seasons,” she says. “Each time we visit we see something new and different.” Dan McKenna, sports and wellness director for the YMCA of Centre County, runs the YMCA youth sports program and the summer sports camps, which have between 100 and 150 kids
participating each year. He says the YMCA tries to give kids a variety of options, from basketball to karate and rock climbing to swimming. “I would say our goal is to make activities fun for kids, while incorporating some of our core values like caring, honesty, respect, and responsibility,” he says. “If kids enjoy what they are doing, hopefully that translates to a lifetime of making exercise and staying active a priority.” Beth Lee, recreation supervisor with Centre Region Parks & Recreation (CRPR) and mother of two, understands active kids. “Being active is a big focus of CRPR, and I practice what I preach with my family,” says Lee, whose kids are ages 12 and 9. “My job is to help create and either facilitate or hire qualified individuals to teach/lead a variety of programs to residents of the Centre Region. CRPR aims to create a wide variety of recreational opportunities, and, through partnerships with
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other local businesses and organizations, we are able to make this happen.” She adds that getting input from her kids on what they want to be involved in helps. “I don’t want to deal with battles about not wanting to go to something or make them do something that I think they would enjoy,” she says. “My husband and I try to stay openminded and provide as much information to them about what is available.” One successful program for CRPR has been the Start Smart program, which is offered through the National Alliance for Youth Sports. The focus of the program is to teach parents and kids the basics of sports together. The program offers soccer, lacrosse, and basketball. “These programs are genius in that they let the kids see the parents being active and helps to set the stage for kids as they get older,” says Lee.
12 - Parenting 2016
Other examples of what CRPR offers include recreational summer day camps, theater camps, art classes, youth sports, nature programs, and more. “Kids are not just interested in sports but also nontraditional recreation, and it is so important that those options are available, too,” says Lee. She says she tries to help out when the organization asks for volunteers or donations. “I think it is important for our kids to see that many of these instructors or coaches are volunteering, and it takes a lot of help to keep these programs running. Plus, I like to be a part of what they are doing,” she says. “They grow up so fast, and, truthfully, they don’t need me as much as they used to, so this is another way to stay connected. On the other side, I am a mom and I work full time, so this is what I can do to help out. I have
learned to say No when I need to, so that when I say Yes, I mean it and can give it my full attention.” She says that it can feel like there isn’t enough time in the day to get it all in, but those are the moments that kids will remember. “The partnerships [CRPR] has established help to make so many of these programs happen and also make this such a terrific community to raise children,” she says. Newman would agree, saying, “There are so many different programs available in Centre County, from cooking programs to athletic programs — the sky is the limit for kids growing up in this community.” T&G Aimee Morgan is a freelance writer and social-media coordinator for AccuWeather .com in State College.
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Parenting
Ready for Their Checkup Preparing kids for a visit to the doctor’s can be a challenge By Jodi Morelli Anticipating a visit to a doctor’s office, dentist, eye doctor, or other health-care professional can cause stress and anxiety for people of all ages. From toddlers to adults, a medical exam can be a can be a scary experience. However, children and teens can feel especially anxious simply because they are oftentimes uncertain about what to expect. According to Caryl Waite, PA-C with Mount Nittany Health in Bellefonte, parents play a primary role in how their children feel about medical appointments. She advises parents to keep their emotions in check, as the more anxious a parent appears has everything to do with the child’s level of anxiety. The way a young person feels about going to a doctor is a direct reflection of the communication that their parents have with them about taking care of their bodies and staying healthy, she says. “If parents are worried about a visit, these worries are transferred to the kid,” she says. She trusts that parents know their children and their children’s tendencies. For example, if a child needs to know what to expect in specific, concrete language, then she’ll take her cue from the parent in presenting the information. More information may mean more worry for other children, so she’ll allow the parent to determine what type and how much information to share. Any parent can attest to the fact that preparing a child for a medical exam is no easy task. Children react differently to the news that they need to have any kind of medical exam. Whether 14 - Parenting 2016
they’re going to see their primary-care doctor or a specialist for a routine exam, illness, or special problem, kids are likely to experience different emotions, and some may even feel guilty, believing that an illness occurred because of something they did. For some kids, it might be easy to express their fears or other emotions to their parents; for others, these feelings are kept inside and remain unspoken, Waite says. A visit to the pediatrician For Tammy Connelly of Bellefonte, a mother of two sons, she remembers how the sight of needles elicited screaming and crying from her youngest son when he went to the doctor. “Our youngest child was absolutely terrified of needles,” she recalls. “He’s had to have blood drawn for many, many tests due to a blood disorder. He would scream, cry, and just make himself physically sick from the idea of needles.”
Waite concurs that any procedure involving needles causes the most stress for kids. In fact, she says that she has had to eliminate the word “shot” from her professional vocabulary and is careful to not say a simple phrase such as “give it a shot” or “take a shot” in her office. For an anxious child, hearing that word in a medical facility can sometimes trigger an emotional response. She says that the most common overall fear for a child, of course, is that there will be pain involved, or that the exam or a procedure will physically hurt. “The waiting is the scariest part. Once kids are in the [exam] room, they feel a little more at ease. But sitting out in the waiting room anticipating the visit can be stressful,” she says. She adds that for little kids and toddlers, there are many children’s books available to explain, in age-appropriate language, what to expect when visiting a doctor. She says these books are a great resource for parents in preparing their children for exams. She also suggests parents do role-playing
with doctor playsets (explaining equipment such as stethoscopes, thermometers, and blood-pressure cuffs). She does remind parents that it’s typical for preschool and early elementary-age children to experience normal stranger anxiety on top of whatever they are feeling about the medical exam. “For older kids, it’s a matter of the parent being reassuring and always presenting it to the child or teen as a way to be and stay healthy,” she says. “Parents should never use a trip to the doctor as a punishment …. Especially with older kids or teens, it’s difficult when a parent hasn’t told a child why he or she is at the doctor and won’t talk about it with the child. It’s better to be completely open. Even if the child isn’t a talker, it’s the parent’s responsibility to have a conversations with the child.” However, in terms of explaining what to expect from a doctor’s visit, she does caution parents to find a middle ground and to not make a “big deal” out of a trip to the doctor. Again, parents need to be mindful of how they communicate with their child in order to minimize anxiety.
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She says, “If a parent is acting out of the norm and explaining something in detail, when that is not typically how they communicate with their child, then the child will pick up on that and feel anxious because the parent is acting differently.” For more information on preparing children for trips to the pediatrician, she suggests visiting the kid-friendly Web site, kids.mountnittany.org, which offers everything from conversation starters to health tips to activity pages for children. She says this is a good online resource for parents to go on with their children before their next trip to a doctor. A visit to the dentist Visiting the dentist also can be a stressful experience for children if they are not prepared and don’t know what to expect. Dr. Matt Kremser and Dr. Bob Kilareski are Diplomates of the American Board of Pediatric Dentistry and are pediatric dentists and partners at Pediatric Dental Care in Port Matilda/State College. Their goal is to make children’s experiences at the dentist as stress-free and positive as possible. “Our goal, which is sometimes more important than fixing teeth, is to have all children leave the office with a good, friendly impression of their first trip to the dentist,” Kremser says. “We use the dental-preparation conversation to build excitement about going to the dentist, or maybe as an opportunity to discuss the importance of oral health.” Kilareski says that it is just as important for parents to use positive communication and language with their children in preparing them to go to the dentist as it is in preparing them to go to the doctor’s office. “If Mom or Dad are afraid of the dentist, oftentimes, that apprehension is absorbed by the children without any realization that it is occurring,” he says. “This can make the pediatric dentist’s job quite challenging. Avoid using negative or scary words like ‘drill’ or ‘shot.’ While we don’t lie to children, as they are very smart, 16 - Parenting 2016
we do use euphemisms for many words — such as replacing ‘shot/needle’ with the phrase ‘sleepy juice.’ Overall, the most important aspect of dentalpreparation discussions is trying to encourage your children that the dentist is someone that wants to help them be healthy.” Kilareski and Kremser say that their dental practice follows guidelines provided by the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry, in terms of age recommendations for exams. They explain that those guidelines recommend that parents take their child to visit a pediatric dentist around age 1, or within six months of the first tooth erupting. Regular dental checkups and cleanings start between ages 3 and 4, but they welcome younger children to visit for well-baby checks, too. Well-baby visits are for children between 1 and 3 years old, and they are essentially educational, or “anticipatory guidance,” appointments. During these visits, young children are evaluated, and parents’ questions are answered about eruption patterns, appropriate oral-hygiene practices for infants, and diets, as well as nonnutritive oral habits. “Most importantly, this appointment establishes a dental home for the child in case emergency care is needed or dental problems exist,” Kremser says. He explains that their office is very child friendly, decorated with a 3D jungle theme, including hippos, gorillas, monkeys, and lions. Children typically transition out of their office around age 12, when they are maturing and are ready to move on to an “adult” dentist. As is the case with visiting a doctor’s office, kids’ main fear in visiting a dentist is the fear of being hurt, Kilareski says. “Oftentimes, they have heard stories from their parents or older siblings that make them afraid of a ‘shot’ or ‘getting their teeth yanked out.’ We also often have children that visit our office after having a difficult experience at another dental office where they have seen the needle or gagged while radiographs were taken,” he says. “Sometimes, fear can be related
to age — it’s difficult for a 3-year-old to comprehend significant dental procedures, such as the placement of multiple fillings or crowns due to poor oral hygiene.” The two doctors find that most of the time children’s fears are often alleviated after one or maybe two visits to their office. Kilareski says, “Naturally, as children get older, there is less fear of the unknown, and behavior does tend to improve with maturation. That being said, we have a pretty good success rate in helping children of all ages become more comfortable with dental visits.” A visit to the eye doctor Although a family doctor or pediatrician will likely be the first medical professional to examine a child’s vision, a referral to an ophthalmologist or optometrist can be made early on if eye problems are suspected during a routine physical examination. Information from Advanced Eye Care Services of State College states that preschool children can have their eyes tested even if they don’t know the alphabet or have a difficult time answering questions, as there are eye tests that are designed specifically for young children. Infants should have their first comprehensive eye exam at 6 months, according to the American Optometric Association (AOA). During this visit, a doctor will check the health of the child’s eyes, make sure the eyes are aligned properly, and that the child does not have a high prescription for glasses, according to Dr. Daniel Anderson of Advanced Eye Care. He says that if a child’s eyes do not line up properly or if there is a high prescription (especially in just one eye), the child could develop amblyopia, also known as “lazy eye.” “As long as the first exam is unremarkable, the child should be rechecked before starting school. Again, the eye health would be evaluated and the vision would be refracted to make sure the vision is adequate for the child’s schooling,” Anderson says.
The second exam usually takes place just before a child enters kindergarten or first grade, at about age 5 or 6. Once in school, the AOA recommends an eye exam every two years for children who don’t wear glasses or contacts. For children with corrected vision, an annual examination or following their eye doctor’s recommendations are suggested, as vision problems can hinder a child’s ability to learn in the classroom. Things a parent can watch for in a child are squinting, eye rubbing, and the tendency to close one eye. All of these can be indicators of a lazy eye or other vision problems, Anderson says. His advice to parents about preparing a child for an eye exam is simple: Just let the child know what he or she can expect when visiting the eye doctor. He says, “Before the exam, a child should be told that the doctor will use some lights and show them some lenses. The doctor will typically try to make the exam fun so the child will enjoy their visit.” T&G Jodi Morelli is a freelance writer who lives in Pleasant Gap with her husband and two children. 2016 Parenting - 17
Parenting
Handling a Hidden Problem What parents need to know about teen self-harm By Jennifer Seidenberg, MD In the ever-changing world of parenting teenagers, self-harm is a topic most parents probably ignore or assume will never be a concern for them. However, with estimates at millions of individuals intentionally harming themselves, increased awareness is vitally important. Self-harm has become an increasingly common issue with potentially addictive properties and long-term consequences, so it is important for parents to be keenly aware of the warning signs. Self-harm, or nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI), is defined as the deliberate, direct destruction of one’s own body. Although statistics on selfinjury are difficult to obtain, the Adolescent Self-Injury Foundation estimates that 2 to 3 million people in the US intentionally harm themselves each year. According to data collected at treatment centers, the number of patients who seek care for self-harm is increasing at an alarming rate. Approximately one in 200 teenage girls between the ages of 13 to 19 cut themselves regularly. Up to 17 percent of university students and 13 to 24 percent of high school students self-harm. The National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) estimates that between 2 and 6 percent of people in the US will deliberately harm themselves over the course of their lifetime. Self-harm can take many forms, but the most common is self-cutting, which comprises about 70 percent of these behaviors and is the primary focus of this article. Self-cutting 18 - Parenting 2016
can involve any sharp object such as knives, scissors, razors, pins, needles, stones, or glass. The most common areas of the body involved in self-cutting are the arms, wrists, ankles, and legs. Other more uncommon examples of selfharm include pulling out hair (trichotillomania), picking at skin or scabs, or swallowing inedible objects. Interestingly, an individual who chooses to self-harm, or inflict a NSSI, is not trying to end his or her life but is attempting to feel better. For such an individual, hurting oneself provides temporary relief from negative feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, hopelessness, or apathy. Endorphins are hormones released into the body when individuals choose to hurt themselves. This reduces the sensation of pain and creates a sense of well-being. This hormonal effect reinforces the behavior, which can lead to behavioral addiction.
How to know if a child is more susceptible There are some factors that parents should be aware of when considering their own child’s potential for self-harm. Individuals who choose to hurt themselves typically begin in the early
teen years; females are slightly more likely than males. In addition, factors such as a history of instability in the home, dysfunctional relationships, sexual or physical abuse, emotional neglect, insecure attachment, as well as prolonged separation from caregivers, can influence a person’s choice to self-harm. Conditions associated with self-harm include depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and PTSD. Unfortunately, self-harm behaviors have a socially contagious quality: teens who associate with others who self-harm are more likely to do so themselves.
What to look out for When self-injury is suspected, parents and caregivers should not assume that it is a passing phase. As previously noted, these behaviors have an addictive quality, and it is estimated that the majority of adults who self-harm started as adolescents. Most people are very secretive about these
behaviors, so warning signs may be difficult to detect, but here are a few behaviors to look for when observing your teenager: • Wearing long-sleeved shirts and long pants, even in warm weather. • Refusing to wear swimsuits or short sleeves. • Wearing thick wristbands or multiple bracelets. • Spending large amounts of time by themselves in their rooms. • Becoming vague or secretive about their actions. • Finding bloodstains on clothes, towels, bedding, or tissues in a waste basket. • Keeping sharp objects or cutting instruments nearby. • Explanations that do not fit injuries when parents notice marks or scars (i.e., a scratch by a pet or an accidental injury; selfinduced cuts are typically very linear and often parallel, or they may spell out a word such as “fat” or “stupid”).
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2016 Parenting - 19
Consequences and effects of self-harm throughout a lifetime Long-term consequences of self-harm are numerous. Physical complications of selfcutting include permanent scars, disfigurement, infection, and, at times, death. Psychological consequences of these behaviors include worsening guilt and shame. Individuals who hurt themselves for the instant hormonal effect of relief, although short-lived, often never develop appropriate coping skills and, therefore, may not learn how to work through underlying emotional distress. There also is an increased risk of suicide, and these individuals should be monitored for suicidal thoughts.
What parents can do To help, parents are advised to confront any issues in a calm, loving manner and to provide emotional support. Family time is a priority; teenagers should be assured of this, along with
Welcome to State College Family Medicine, now at our new location. Doctors Chastity McCleary D.O., Brian McCleary D.O. and Katherine Turco, D.O. specialize in complete care for the entire family, including newborn care, pediatrics, adults, women’s health, and much more! Our practice strives to bring the best possible care to all of our patients.
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Jennifer Seidenberg, MD
their parents’ unconditional love. On the other hand, threats, ultimatums, and punishments are counterproductive, as most people who selfinjure already feel ashamed and alone. Unless the self-injury is life-threatening, a trip to the emergency room is usually frightening and detrimental. There is no specific medication prescribed to treat individuals who harm themselves, on the singular diagnosis alone. A trusted primary-care provider can be an excellent resource, and a mental-health professional who is trained in cutting and self-harm can offer hope for a full recovery, especially for teens who have become repeated self-injurers. A psychotherapist can help the individual develop healthier coping skills and discover the root of the urge to self-harm. Family therapy is often done in addition to individual psychotherapy. And although there is no specific medication for self-harm, various
medications may be used to treat co-occurring conditions. If parents suspect self-harm, rapid and compassionate intervention is crucial. Blaming either the individual or the parent/caregiver for the behaviors is counterproductive. Instead, it is best to seek the support of a trained mental-health professional and the child’s primary-care provider. T&G Jennifer Seidenberg, MD, is an assistant professor with Penn State Hershey Medical Group, department of pediatrics at Penn State College of Medicine and Penn State Hershey Medical Center. She practices at the Penn State Hershey Medical Group-Windmere Centre, located at 476 Rolling Ridge Drive in State College. She cares for children of all ages, with a special interest in adolescent medicine and eating disorders. To make an appointment, call (814) 689-4980.
Look for our Family Matters feature the second week of every month in The Centre County Gazette
We cover what’s important to you! 814-238-5051 • www.centrecountygazette.com
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Parenting
The Dating Scene It can be a little scary when a child is ready to “date” someone, but, as with most things, communication is key By Jodi Morelli Going steady. Passing a note in class. Calling a girl on a landline phone to ask her to go to the movies on Friday night. These are how dates happened with teenagers in the “old days.” Now there is Snapchat. Instagram. “Talking” through text messages. Man Crush Monday and Woman Crush Wednesday. Updating a Facebook status to “taken” in a bio. Welcome to teen dating in 2016. Amy McCartney of Bellefonte, mother to a 17-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son, even came up with a different term for her children’s dating relationships when they were younger — she called it “dexting.” She explains that when her children were younger, in middle school and early high school, she and her husband thought an appropriate dating age would be 16. “But then we realized that the dating our kids wanted to do wasn’t what we considered dating. I think of it as ‘dexting’ because all they were really doing was texting each other,” she says. As with all other facets of modern-day society, technology has changed the game dramatically when it comes to teen dating and relationships. Shannon Kelly is project manager for the Real Relationships Program, which serves nine counties across Central Pennsylvania, including Centre County. She says that research indicates 95 percent of all teens ages 12 to 17 are now online, and 80 percent of teens are users of social-media sites. Texting, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube, among other sites, are 22 - Parenting 2016
the constant backdrop of young peoples’ lives in this day and age. This is where much of the social activity of teen life is played out, both in good ways and not-so-good ways, she says. New communication technologies play an increasingly important role in the lives of young people, especially adolescents. Instant access to others via online social networks has dramatically changed when, how, and what teens learn about each other and the world. “We want to encourage teens to reflect on the impact of digital technology on relationships and social life and examine what’s positive and not so positive about lives of constant connectivity. We want teens to explore how personal digital technology influences any authenticity in relationships,” she says. Ali Turley is prevention coordinator for Youth Service Bureau (YSB) and oversees the Strengthening Families Program. In her work with teens and adolescents, she knows firsthand the impact that technology has had on the teen-dating scene in recent years. “Youth will share very personal things with their partner, thinking that no one else will know or see it, and that content is shared via social media. Once the content is out, there is no way to make the content private again. In some cases, the content could be illegal. Talking with youth about sexting and sending sexually explicit material is a must. Instant access to one another is another way that technology has impacted teen dating. Youth have the ability to be constantly connected and interacting,” she says. From a mother’s perspective, McCartney says that she talks to her children about how easy it is to misunderstand feelings behind a text, and how easy it is to be mean or hurtful when typing on a screen as opposed to talking to a person face to face. “We encourage conversations in person or over the phone, especially if disagreeing or fighting about something. If you can’t say it directly to the person, then don’t text it or post it,” she says. Tammy Connelly of Bellefonte, a mother
of two sons, agrees that technology has impacted the way young people communicate and relate to one another. “A simple text can be interpreted in a variety of ways, or delay in response, or posts on social media — it seems way more complicated with technology! There’s also no limit of ‘togetherness’ with technology. Texts, messages, video chatting, etc., can be sent and received at all hours and in all situations,” she says. Parents need to communicate clearly with their teens about guidelines and expectations they have with regard to not only the virtual world of dating but also in the real world. “Communication is key,” Turley says. “Communication between parent/caregivers and between parent/caregiver and child is important. Parents need to be on the same page about dating rules and expectations, and kids need to be aware of what the expectations are. Dating expectations are going to be different for every family, and expectations are rooted in family values.” When a child is showing interest in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, she says it is an important first step for the family to define what dating really is. There needs to be a family conversation to determine if dating means seeing each other at school and contacting each other via social media, if dating means going out with a group to the mall or a party, or if dating is one-on-one alone time with someone else. McCartney remembers defining what dating meant with her own children when they were younger. “In middle school and early high school, there were some group outings, and usually a parent hung out somewhere close. We did ask that there be a parent present or near when they were with their dates at each other’s homes. They are still asked to check in with us when they are out and about and be home by the time we’ve established,” she says. According to Connelly, she and her husband encourage group outings, at least until teens are able to demonstrate that they are mature enough for a more focused relationship, through showing responsibility in several other areas (such as chores, school, extracurricular activities, etc.). She also says
group dating has always been their preference, as she feels people can learn so much about someone in their interactions with others and learn a lot about their character. Although both mothers say they initially believed that 16 was an appropriate dating age, they soon learned that with group outings, formal dances, parties, and other events that come up, each child is ready at different times. McCartney believes that expectations for teens should not revolve around only curfews, transportation, whom they are with, where they are at, what they are doing, and other basic rules of dating, but also should encompass how to treat people and build the foundation for healthy, positive relationships. “We expect them to be respectful, kind, and honest, to be conscious of how they are treating someone, and how they expect to be treated,” she says. “That goes for all the people in their lives, so, of course, it should be the same for dating. There are conversations about being safe and how to get out of a situation that is going bad, No 2016 Parenting - 23
means No, and being respectful toward the person they are dating, even after a fight or breakup. They are asked to remember that the person is someone’s daughter or son, sister or brother, granddaughter or grandson. A big, important factor is communication.” Two major components in establishing open communication with a teen are trust and support. According to Kelly, channels of communication open up when parents let their teens know that they are trusted to do the right things and make the right choices. Of course, consequences also must be set in place when they don’t do the right thing, and they need to be held accountable for making poor choices, she says. In terms of support, teens should know that, regardless of the situation or time, parents are willing and able to come and pick them up if they ever find themselves in a situation in which they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Teens need to know that if they are afraid in a relationship, they can and should feel comfortable talking to a parent or another trusted adult. “Often, our conversations with our teens are like communicating with an angry lion,” Kelly says. “Teens are quick to jump to the defense, get 24 - Parenting 2016
angry, or argue as soon as you start talking. The key is to keep trying anyway. The more you talk to your teen, the more willing they will be to really communicate with you.” Turley characterizes positive teen-dating relationships as having the following attributes: being healthy and safe; having shared interests; having friends and interests outside of the relationship; having shared expectations for the relationship that are safe, healthy, and age appropriate; and engaging in positive, safe, and healthy communication. “Again, communication is key,” she says. “Kids need to know the expectations that parents and caregivers have, and they need to be part of that planning process. Parents need to be involved — know who, what, when, where. Keep open and honest communication so that youth will go to parents when they need help or have a concern.” In terms of the main worries that parents have with regard to their teens’ dating relationships, Turley says there are “many.” Some of these worries include relationships becoming too serious too fast and taking away balance with family/peer/extracurricular activities; sex and teen pregnancy; dating violence; and social media and reputation, she says. Along with the concerns about safety, Connelly and McCartney naturally also worry about how relationships during the teenage years can affect a child’s future, as well as his or her emotional well-being. “Dating can easily cause distraction from education and toss them into situations they are not truly mature enough to navigate — from a broken heart to pregnancy,” Connelly says. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to eliminating parents’ worries when teens become romantically involved. Kelly says there are no quick tips and no manuals that tell parents how it should be done. When your kids reach dating age, she simply suggests taking a deep breath, making sure communication keeps going, and showing them unconditional love and support. McCartney says, “All we want for our children is to find that special someone who brings them joy and accents who they are. If that happens, then I guess there’s a good chance we will approve!” T&G Jodi Morelli is a freelance writer who lives in Pleasant Gap with her husband and two children.
Parenting
The Parent Network Moms and dads see benefits and dangers of social media By Kelly Valeri Like it or not, social media has become an intrinsic part of the parenting experience. It’s different for everyone, but one thing is clear: the ramifications stretch far beyond connecting with others online. We talked with a few local moms and dads to see how they’re traversing plugged-in parenthood. T&G: Like most things, the Internet is what you make of it. But I’d love to know how each of you primarily uses social media in regard to your children. Kerri: I use it from the adoptive side of parenting. It is brand new territory. It’s a different beast than parenting a biological child. I’ve found a great network of parents who have adopted from China, and we’re always helping each other. … And I read a lot of blogs with articles to try to learn as much as I can. T&G: Plus it’s a free resource, which is nice. Karen: I agree. Facebook is such a huge tool for parents like me who have kids on the [Autism] spectrum. There are so many support groups out there, and they are free, like you mentioned. It’s invaluable. Devin: Of course, it’s the dad who brings up Pinterest, but because of the work I do in marketing, I joined Pinterest a long time ago. I hadn’t used it much, but then I met my fiancée who showed me all the things I could do with it in terms of activities you can find for kids … very useful. Lydia: For me, I feel like I have a really close mom network online. When we took our childbirth class eight years ago, social media, at least in our age bracket, wasn’t as rampant as it is now. So after our class, I e-mailed everyone, and we connected and met regularly and eventually created our own Facebook group.
Kerri Smith Age: 38 Town: State College Children: Kelsie, 5; Gideon, 2 Occupation: Stay-at-home mom Parenthood detail: Recently adopted son from China. I also started a support group on Facebook … for women who have fertility issues and pregnancy loss, so it’s been a phenomenal place to connect over that unique struggle that not everyone can understand. T&G: You all mentioned a lot of positive aspects of social media and parenting, but obviously there are some negatives. Have any of you experienced something that backfired? Something you put out to the masses that you later wish you had kept to yourself? Lydia: I’m very reserved in what I post, especially when it comes to my children, so I have to say No. Kerri: I try to avoid posting anything that will yield controversy. I’m very cautious. I guess, like most people, you only see the happy side of my life. Because, if I’m being honest, the past six or so months since adopting have been … I mean, it’s been intense. 2016 Parenting - 25
Devin: They say Facebook is where you lie to your friends and Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers. T&G: Well that’s another facet to talk about! Let’s face it, parenting is hard. Do you find it’s tough to keep it real? Or keep up with the proverbial Jonses because of social networking? Families who seem to be constantly on vacation and having fun, for example. Karen: I agree on keeping it real. I speak my mind and I’ve been told “TMI” a lot of times. I just posted a reflection on my life — 17 years ago I married my son’s father, years later he left and drove to connect with someone he met on the Internet, and now I’m in such a great place with a new relationship. But I’m glad I put that out there because three people contacted me seeking support with their current struggles. … I believe in putting the truth out there. … When I’m always positive, I’m like, “Is this just straight bragging?”
Lydia Myers Age: 33 Town: State College Children: Izabella, 8; Eva, 5 Occupation: Pick ‘em Up Productions; owner of Rugrats Resale; Stitch Fix stylist Parenthood detail: Miscarriage after first child, 1 1/2 years of infertility, IUI procedure for second child.
26 - Parenting 2016
Lydia: That’s what Facebook is for! Humble brags. Kerri: Sometimes bragging is good, I think. Going back to how intense the past several months has been for us … I didn’t put much on Facebook at all during that time. One of the family counselors we talk with said, “Think of things you really like about your new son, take a video of something cute he’s doing, and put it online.” So I took a video of him eating noodles — it’s his favorite food — and all my friends commented about how cute he was, and it helped! It helped me shift my perspective and realize, no, things are good. That’s a happy moment to remember. Devin: Personally I avoid posting anything negative. I don’t think I’m all rainbows and unicorns either. I guess I avoid posting struggles with parenting in two households. I try to focus on what we’re doing positively in our household. That said, I get regular contacts from friends I haven’t talked to in years asking about divorce — about being a parent after divorce. They know I’ve gone down that path and my kids are pretty well adjusted. So I guess in that sense, social media has helped people reach out and ask me for advice. T&G: As far as advice goes, I think it’s easy to ask about diaper-rash solutions online when your kids aren’t old enough to have a peer group, but as they get older, parents run into more complex situations. Karen, as our resident teen mom, how do you deal with the potential landmines? Karen: Now that my son is 14 and his friends are online, there’s potential for them to see what I’m posting if they’re friends with my mom friends. Because he is on the spectrum and is unique, I do think about it. T&G: What about him navigating and having his own social-media accounts? Karen: I’m very nervous about that. So far, he hasn’t shown a big interest — but that’s coming. I will definitely be his number-one friend, if you know what I mean. T&G: What about the rest of you? Have you thought about how you’re going to broach the issue when the time comes? Devin: Our oldest son is on Instagram.
Devin Mathias Age: 39 Town: State College Children: Kai, 11; Lila, 10; Cecilia, 7 Occupation: President/CEO of PA Treatment & Healing Parenthood detail: Previously divorced and currently engaged; has slightly more than half custody.
We’re very active and engaged at our house. I have every password, check in every day … not in a “Big Brother” way, just to make sure it’s a safe environment in how they’re using it. Thankfully, we have a very open dialogue with the kids. So far, they’re using it well. Kerri: It sounds like you’ve made it normal — everything is open from the beginning. That’s awesome! Devin: With regards to posting things that his friends’ parents might see — I think for the most part that stuff I’m doing in person, not over social channels. I’m very fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends in town with kids about the same age. Just the other day we were together talking about our kids’ Internet searches — how do we approach this, etc. T&G: I think that’s a really great point. It’s wonderful to be able to log in and get instant parenting feedback at all hours, but it’s also good to have that core group that you can turn to in person and say, “Hey, what should I do?” Kerri: And you likely have the same values
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Karen Stupak Age: 42 Town: State College Child: Alex, 14 Occupation: Recreational-class director at Centre Elite Gymnastics; Senior Gold Ambassador at Plexus Worldwide Parenthood detail: Son is on the Autism spectrum; teacher and principal for his online education. as the people you’re with in person. I wouldn’t trust all parenting advice from strangers. I’m going to talk with my close friends who I’ve seen them be successful with their kids firsthand. T&G: I’ve gotten babysitter referrals online, returned toys I found at a park to their rightful owner ... what are some other functional uses of social media for you as parents? Kerri: Finding crowd-sourced, family-friendly recipes. Karen: Online sales are helpful … locating less expensive hand-me-downs for your kids is important to a lot of parents. Lydia: And I would say just connecting with people. Setting up play dates, meet-ups, that sort of thing. Kerri: Yeah, stay-at-home parents are just looking for other adults to talk to. It’s very isolating being at home all the time. As someone who helps organize a playgroup, social networking has been a great way to say, “We’re going to be at this park on Wednesday. 28 - Parenting 2016
Meet us at 10!” And the word spreads. T&G: Speaking of parks, you see it all the time — a parent holding a phone in one hand and pushing a swing with the other. I know we’re all guilty of it on occasion, but some abuse it more than others. Thoughts on how it’s affecting our kids? Lydia: So many kids don’t understand what undivided attention is. Karen: Even kids just being sick of their photo being taken … all so parents can post it on social media. Devin: There’s no doubt that some people are over the top. The Pinterest mom who buys a $2,000 cake for their child’s third-month milestone … I don’t stress about keeping up, but I see it being like, How many hours did you spend without your kids and putting all that together just so you could take a picture of them in front of it? T&G: It has definitely infiltrated many aspects of our lives. And since we are the first generation of parents to have this unique tool at our fingertips, I’m curious — would you say it’s a benefit or a detriment? Karen: I’ve met so many incredible friends through social media, other moms, that’s where I think it’s beneficial. I think the benefits outweigh. Lydia: For me, it’s a detriment. I think the perceived pressure to keep up can be overwhelming for some people. T&G: Maybe it’s how you use it? How much stock you place in it? Kerri: I think social media is beneficial if you have balance. It can be such a huge time vacuum. I could be reading about how to help my kids, or reading about all sorts of other baloney … or spending time with my kids. You need a brain break sometimes, but there’s a balance where I have to say I’m done, and focus on my kids. T&G Kelly Valeri has more than 10 years of experience in the journalism industry, writing, editing, and designing print publications. In 2007, she branched out to form her own fulltime business, Kelly V. Photography, putting all of her creative background to work. She lives in State College with her husband, Jerry, and their two children.
Schlow Library thanks all the families who have helped us become your Centre of Reading and Learning!
“Schlow does so many of the little things right.” ~Sharon Herlocher, Schlow patron and donor, and mom to Charlie, Phebe, and Lanie
When Charlie, Phebe, and Lanie Herlocher learned that life hands some people lemons, they started a charity lemonade stand. Since 2007 the Herlocher kids and their friends have learned valuable life skills through this stand. They plan, work, and become aware of how they can help their community. Last summer’s recipient was Schlow Library, a resource the Herlocher kids have used since they were babies, enjoying storytimes, books in all formats, and special events – all in a convenient downtown location. “The atmosphere is second to none,” explains mom Sharon. “We feel it is the most welcoming, energetic, inspiring place of learning.”
211 S. Allen Street • 814.237.6236 • schlowlibrary.org