遊鳥 Les Oiseaux Marchants: La Frontière de l’Identité
Gökotta
我在快要日出時來到森林邊緣。從背包裡拿出面具戴上， 調整好鬆緊確保不會掉落後，我望向前方，小小的指針緩慢 轉動，逐漸在左方靜了下來。於是我轉過身來，確保面具的 前端與指針對齊。然後我開始大步向前走去，往森林深處，沒 有人知道的地方。也許我會在這裡死去，不會有人知道，也 不會有人找到，曾經我真的這麼想過，死亡曾宛如一切的終 點，一切的解答，因為它是如此簡單。但我今天並不會死去， 那不是答案，也不是我想前去的地方。看著太陽的光線不斷 從山後顯現，天色從宛如傍晚的橘紅逐漸褪成藍色。我加快 腳步往前，在山的影子裡跑了起來。還不夠深，還不夠遠， 我心想。我可以感覺山頂的陰影正在向我逼近，時間不多了， 更遠處的一些松樹頂已經沾上陽光，閃亮的細針穿過風線，織 成一張綿密的網，樹葉摩擦的聲響與細碎的光影，逐漸籠罩。 然後越來越多，越來越往下。 太陽正在升起。 但我還沒到，還必須再努力一下，再一點點就好。 然後我感到頭頂一陣溫暖。黑色的頭髮貪婪地吸收著太陽 的熱量，瞬間有種想要在此停下的衝動。就在這裡停下也好， 沐浴在晨光裡，似乎可以不用再走得更遠了，只要現在停下就 能休息了。但我隨即拋開這種念頭，加快腳步，試著在刺眼的 光線抵達眼睛前走得更遠。現在的我靠著那些被反射的光看 清前方的路，從雲裡雪裡，樹梢上落葉上，四處的光幫著我， 溫柔的光們。還不能放棄。 直射的太陽光已經抵達額頭，我知道要不了多久就會抵 達眼裡，然後是鼻子，嘴巴，脖子，腰，膝蓋，雙腳。光在 我身上只會墜落地更快。必須再跑得快一些，再遠一點就好。 只要全身還沒有被陽光抓住就不算太遲。直射的光讓眼睛有 些睜不開，我舉起手擋著，移動的平衡稍稍被破壞，但隨即調 整好又繼續奔跑。然後是鼻子被突如其來的熱度搔癢，不自 覺地打了個噴嚏，日光過敏是我的老毛病。接著光繼續往下 來到唇上，我大口大口喘著氣，白色的煙霧從面具的縫隙中 蔓延出來，在光裡頭飄盪，像是我製造了一朵朵的小雲。雲， 如果這是雲，那我就是在空中飛了。想到這我忍不住笑了。 我好想飛。光沒有停下，來到腰間把我斬斷，接著掉到膝蓋
試圖搗亂我的步伐。 於是我停下，我知道再幾秒鐘它就會抓住我，留下另一半 的身體在陰影裡。 我看著前方的指針。很好，它沒有晃動，那我大概離目的 地不遠了。我閉上眼睛，感覺一股暖流從腳尖傳來。 這一刻我放聲大叫。聲音在面具裡糊成一團，但我依然沒 有停下。一直叫著叫著。我也不知道我在期待什麼。 然後我聽見不遠處傳來另一陣叫聲，然後是另一聲，模糊 的聲響此起彼落。我睜開眼睛看向面具前的指針，順著它指 示的方向繼續前進，慢慢地慢慢地。聽著遠處的其他叫聲越 來越清晰，我看見其他戴著面具的人出現，他們一樣跟著指 針前進。從四面八方，我們緩慢往中心移動。 還好趕上了。 「在日出的時候，成為群鳥在森林裡歌唱，清晨的第一 聲，由我們自己創造。」
(Swedish) To rise at dawn to go out and listen to the birds sing.
I arrived at the edge of the forest near sunrise. After taking the mask out of my backpack and putting it on, adjusting the elastic bands to make sure it wouldn't fall off, I looked ahead and saw the tiny pointer slowly rotating and gradually settling on the left. So I turned around and made sure the front of the mask was aligned with the pointer. Then I started striding forward, deep into the forest, where no one knows. Maybe I'll die here, and no one will know, and no one will find me, I really thought about that once. But I was not going to die today, that's not the answer, and it's not where I want to go. Watching the sunlight continue to appear from behind the mountains, the sky faded from orange to blue. I picked up my pace and ran into the shadow of the mountains. Not deep enough, not far enough, I told myself. I could feel the shadows of the mountain tops getting closer to me, and time was running out. Some of the pine tree tops farther away were already covered with sunlight, those shiny needles pierced through the wind, weaving a dense net, the sound of leaves rubbing against each other and the fine light and shadow, gradually enveloping me. Then more and more, lower and lower. The sun is rising. But I was not there yet. I had to work a little harder, just a little more. Then I felt a burst of warmth on top of my head. The black hair was greedily absorbing the sun's heat, and I felt the urge to stop here. It would be good to stop here, bathed in the morning light, it seemed that I could stop now and rest without going any farther. But then I put that thought aside and quicken my pace, trying to go further before the blinding light reaches my eyes. I relied on the reflected light to see the road ahead, the light reflected from the clouds and snow, from the treetops and fallen leaves, the light from everywhere to help me, the gentle light. I can't give up yet. The direct sunlight has reached my forehead, and I knew it won't be long before it reaches my eyes, then my nose, mouth, neck, waist, knees, and feet. The light on me would only fall faster. I had to run faster, just a little farther. It's not too late as long as my whole body is not caught by the sun. The direct sunlight made it hard to keep my eyes open, so I raised my hands to block it, and my balance of movement was slightly disrupted, but then I adjusted and keep running. Then my nose was tickled by the sudden heat and I sneezed unconsciously, my sun allergy is an old problem. Then the light
continued to come down to my lips, I breathed heavily, and white smoke spread out from the gap of the mask, floating in the light as if I had created a small cloud. Cloud, if this is a cloud, then I am flying in the air. I can't help but smile when I thought about it. I want to fly so much. The light did not stop, came to the waist to cut me off, and then fell to the knees to try to disrupt my paces. So I stopped, knowing that in a few seconds it will grab me and leave the other half of my body in the shadows. I looked ahead at the pointer. Good, it's not wobbling, so I'm probably not far from my destination. I closed my eyes and felt a warm current coming from my toes. At this moment I let out a loud scream. The sound was muddled in the mask, but I still didn't stop. I kept screaming and screaming. I did not know what I was expecting. Then I heard another scream from a distance, and then another, a blur of sound after another. I opened my eyes and looked at the pointer in front of my mask and followed its direction, slowly, slowly. As I listened to the other shouts in the distance, I saw others wearing masks appeared, and they followed the pointer as well. From all directions, we moved slowly toward the center. We made it in time. "At sunrise, we became the birds singing in the forest, the first sound of the morning, created by ourselves."
Coddiwomple
抵達何處很重要嗎？ 不能只是滿足於過程嗎？ 身處一個更巨大的存在裡緩慢移動著，有的人早已明確目 的，知道何時該離開，該往哪裡去，有些人還在遊蕩，還在 隨波逐流。或許仍有許多變數，但至少能肯定的，是此時此 刻都共同前進著，還在前進著，已經前進到這裡了。 或像一片荒原上各自成長的草，一場雨裡頭各自落下的 水。每個人都用著自己的模樣在這個群體裡存在，向著陽光 或向著土地。時間持續推進，彼此持續成長、移動。 沒有人知道終點在哪，終點是什麼，這樣的不解讓人害 怕，卻只有認清這樣的現況，才能更有力量地前進。長成想要 的樣子，去往想要的地方，開成一朵花也好，成為一棵樹也罷； 落入淤泥也好，墜入大海也罷。 永遠記得溫柔地堅強著，有著迎風時的柔軟和墜落的勇 氣，總有一天會抵達心目中嚮往的地方，成為自己滿意的樣 子。 先只是前進著就好，不曉得前進的終點是什麼也無妨。重 要的是正在前進這件事情，重要的是選擇了不在原地而前進 的這個行動。就像花草不明白向上的終點是天空，雨滴不懂 墜落的終點是土地，新生的候鳥不知道終點的南方如何。他 們沒有人知道終點在哪，卻依舊選擇持續前進。 只有向著陽光才能開成花朵，只有向著海洋才會形成漣 漪，只有向著南方才能成為候鳥。 偶爾，行動先於存在。 就像終點會在旅途中慢慢找到。 「意義會在行動中慢慢顯現。」
To travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination.
Does it matter where we go to? Can't we just be satisfied with the process? Some people have a clear purpose and know when to leave and where to go, while others are still wandering, still going with the flow. There may still be many variables, but at least we can be sure that we are all moving forward together at this moment, still moving forward, already moved to here. Like the grass growing in a wilderness, the water falling in a rain. Each person exists in his or her own way in this group, towards the sun or the land. Time continues to push us forward, and we continue to grow and move. No one knows where the endpoint is and what it is. The uncertainty is scary, but only by recognizing the current situation can we move forward with more strength. Grow into what you want, go where you want, become a flower or a tree; fall into the mud, or fall into the sea. Always remember to be gentle and strong, with the softness like when facing the wind and the courage when you fall from height. One day you will reach the place you want to be and become what you want to be. It's good enough to just move forward, and it doesn't matter if you don't know what the end will be. The important thing is that you are moving forward, that you have chosen to move forward instead of staying where you were. Just like the flowers and plants do not understand that the end of growing upward is the sky, raindrops do not understand the end of falling is the land, and newborn migratory birds do not know their destination is the south. None of them know where the end is, but they still choose to keep moving forward. Only toward the sunlight can flowers bloom, only toward the ocean can ripples form, and only toward the south can migratory birds become. Sometimes, action before existence. Just as the destination is slowly found in the journey. "Meaning is slowly revealed in action."
Ubuntu
父親沒有說過他愛我。但他把愛藏在其他地方，在言語之 外。 那是在我去完第六次遊行後的隔天早晨，一封信在我的書 桌上。那是父親寫的信，旁邊還有一個面具。信裡頭這樣寫： 我很抱歉，我知道你過得並不快樂，但我不曉得該怎麼幫 你，你總是如此沈默，其實我也是，所以這讓一切變得更加 困難。我知道在這裡生活很辛苦，我很抱歉我只會要你堅強， 我可以想像其他人是怎麼說你，因為我也曾經經歷過，但那 時候我沒有人可以求助，我在二十歲時來到這裡，說話不流 利，處處碰壁，吃了許多苦頭。直到遇見妳母親。她是一個很 溫柔的人，她不像其他人那樣對待我，是她幫助我在這裡堅 持下去的。我知道妳很想念她，我也是。我相信如果她還在， 一定也能像幫助我那樣幫助妳。她有一顆善良的心，她總是相 信人們只不過是對不熟悉的事物害怕，只要我們努力讓他們理 解一切就會好轉。雖然其他人可能無法理解妳，但我可以。這 次換我來成為提供幫助的人，成為那個理解不熟悉之事的人。 雖然我不明白這些遊行對妳的意義，但如果對妳來說很重要， 那對我也就同樣重要，也同樣值得被實行。如果那裡讓妳有 家的感覺，在那些人群裡妳感到被屬於，那我希望我也能與 妳一起屬於其中。 那天我走下樓準備吃早餐，走向餐桌時便看見他臉上戴著 面具，他說，今天我跟妳一起出門，我們一起去。 「我們是一家人，一個群體，因為妳是，因為我是，是彼 此成就彼此。」
(Nguni Bantu) "I am because we are" , or "humanity towards others"
My father never said that he loved me. But he hid his love elsewhere, beyond words. It was the morning after my sixth march, and a letter was on my desk. It was a letter from my father, with a mask next to it. The letter says, “I'm sorry, I know you're not happy, but I don't know how to help you, you're always so quiet, just like me. That makes everything even harder. I know it's hard to live here, and I'm sorry I have only asked you to be strong. I can imagine what other people say about you, because I've been there too, but I didn't have anyone to turn to at that time. Until I met your mother. She was a very gentle woman, she didn't treat me like everyone else, she helped me to keep on living here. I know you miss her, and I do too. I'm sure if she were still around, she would be able to help you as much as she helped me. She had a good heart and she always believed that people are just afraid of the unfamiliar and that if we try to make them understand everything will get better. While others may not understand you, I can. This time I will be the one to help, to be the one to understand the unfamiliar. I don't know what these marches mean to you, but if it's important to you, it's just as important to me, and just as worthy of being practiced. If it makes you feel at home, if you feel like you belong in those crowds, then I hope I can belong in it with you.” I walked downstairs that day to get ready for breakfast, and as I walked to the kitchen, I saw him with a mask on his face, saying, "I'm going out with you today, we're going together. "We are a family, a group. Because you are, because I am, we become we.”
Schwellenangst
那天你去了哪裡，母親一邊問著，一邊把洗好的碗盤擦 乾擺放整齊。我走向客廳坐在沙發上打開電視，轉到新聞台， 沒有回答。她將最後一個碟子放好後，雙手在衣服上擦過弄 乾，走到我旁邊再問了一次。那天你去了哪裡？ 我去了哪裡，這是一個很好的問題。老實說我也不曉得我 去了哪裡，那天我不過是抵達了一個地方，然後停留了一陣 子，接著又繼續移動，我甚至不知道那是哪裡，不知道為何 移動，只是因為人群如此前進，所以我就跟著這麼做了。我 去了哪裡我真的不曉得，因為那不是我的目的，我只是不想 要一個人。所以我躲入那群人裡頭，跟著他們。 我轉頭看向一旁的母親，回答她那天不過是去找了幾個朋 友，在市中心晃了一陣子，有點忘了時間。她說下次記得先 講一聲，不然她會很擔心。然後又補道，父親不喜歡我這樣， 什麼都不說。我知道母親她也不喜歡，但她總是藉著他人的言 論來說自己的話，拐彎抹角。我跟她說好的，我下次會注意。 母親嘴裡嘀咕著什麼，我沒聽清楚，但八成又是在念叨我， 然後一邊走上樓回房間休息去。 我想起那天。我在清晨離家，在父母他們都還沒有起床 前。出門前帶上了錢包、鑰匙，唯獨沒帶手機，為了讓他們找 不到我，還有遊鳥的面具，照著網站上的說明買了一些零件， 組裝起來，然後輸入一串座標，那就是我今天要去的地方。我 其實也不曉得那是哪裡，但我知道會有一群人一起前往那裡， 我們會在火車站出發，一行人朝著某處移動。我也挺好奇大 家是否知道他們在做什麼，還是和我一樣，只是想逃離某個 地方。 我也忘了我們走了多久，一路上大家彼此聊天，途中陸續 有人加入和離開。我認識了許多人，有和我一樣想離開家裡 的青少年，有只是在家中閒得發慌的退休老伯，有已經參與 過這個活動數次的上班族，也有沒帶上面具只是好奇這在做 什麼的人。每個人來到這裡的理由不盡相同。我好奇地問了 問其他人是否知道我們要去哪裡，有人說面具上的指針所指 引的地點其實是隨機的，有人說他上次去的是一家餐廳，有 人說我們是在進行一場遊行而終點會是政府機關。到頭來好 像沒有人知道我們要去哪裡，但沒有人停下。
那天我們來到一處海邊，面對無法跨越的汪洋人們停下， 停在一座燈塔前方，眺望海的遠方時能看見一座小島，那是 另外一個國家。然後人群中一個看起來有著東方臉孔的男生 站到一塊石頭上，對著我們大聲說道，這裡是國界的最北點， 國家在這裡迎來它的終點，消失於海浪中。他繼續說到他來 自對面那個小島，父親在讀大學時遇見了來自這個國家的母 親，兩人相愛結婚後生下了他，在對面那裡生活了十年後全 家搬過來這裡，直到如今他依然不知道自己是屬於哪一邊的 人，又因為長相的關係在求學生涯遇過不少歧視，所以他憎 恨著自己另一半的身份，是直到最近他才終於學會裡解這一 切，就像被海洋分隔著的兩座島嶼依舊在海平面下相連，國界 在海洋之上雖然存在，在浪花底下卻始終是同一塊土地，就 像他一樣，他是存在於邊界之外的人，在那些分類的界線以 外的人，他同時是其中一邊也是另外一邊，界線是他人給的， 自己永遠有權利不要。他說，我們都是如此，都不是單純一座 孤獨的小島，海水退去以後，我們還有彼此，只要我們願意， 隨時都能飛過這些界線。 人們聽完他說話後紛紛上去給了他一個擁抱。然後輪流有 人站到石頭上，每次說完就會下來彼此擁抱。 我並沒有站上那裡，我只是聽著，然後看海。 關掉電視，我走上樓洗漱準備睡覺。在浴室，看著鏡中的 自己，我有著與這裡的人不同的膚色，父親和母親是來自比海 的對面更遠的國家，當初是為了工作才決定來到這裡。我想 起那個男生，想起他說的島嶼與海洋。我還不能明白他所說， 我依舊憎恨著這裡，憎恨這些因為我與他們顏色不同就欺負 我的人，憎恨著讓我承受這一切的父母，憎恨那個格格不入 的自己。我默默流下眼淚，在自己所創造的海洋裡把自己隔 得更遠。 「我還不知道怎麼跨出這些界線，我也好希望我能看穿海 洋底下，或是成為自由的鳥飛過這一切。我在努力了。」
(German) A fear of, or aversion to, crossing a threshold or entering a place to begin a new chapter.
Where did you go that day, my mother asked, as she dried the dishes and put them away. I walked to the living room and sat on the couch and turned on the TV to the news without answering. She put the last plate away, wiped her hands on her clothes to dry them, and came over to me and asked again. Where did you go that day? Where did I go? That's a very good question. Honestly, I don't know where I went, I just arrived at a place that day and stayed for a while and then moved on, I didn't even know where it was, why I went there. I just did it because the crowd went there. Where did I go? I really don't know, because that wasn't where I expected, I just didn't want to be alone. So I hid in that crowd and followed them. I turned to my mother and told her that I had just gone to see some friends that day and had been hanging around downtown for a while and had lost track of time. She said that next time let her know first, otherwise she would be very worried. Then she added that my father didn't like it when I didn't say anything. I know my mother doesn't like it either, but she always uses other people's words to speak for herself, beating around the bush. I told her sure, I'll be careful next time. I couldn't hear what my mother was muttering, but I think she was talking about me again, and then she walked upstairs to her room to rest. I remembered that day. I left home in the early morning before my parents were up. I took my wallet, my keys, but not my cell phone so they wouldn't find me, and the 3D printed mask, which I followed the instruction on the website to assemble, and then entered a series of coordinates, that was where I was going today. I didn't really know where it was, but I knew there would be a group of people going there together. We started from the train station, and the group moved towards that destination. I was curious if people knew what they were doing, or if they were just trying to get away from somewhere like I was. I didn't know how long we have walked, but we were talking to each other along the way. People were joining and leaving along the way. I met a lot of people, from teenagers who wanted to get away from home like me, to retired old men who just had nothing better to do at home; from office workers who had participated in the event several times, to people who weren’t wearing masks but just curious about what was going on. Everyone came here for different reasons. I curiously asked the others if they knew where we were going, and someone said that the location indicated by the pointer on the mask
was actually random, someone said that the last place he went to was a restaurant, and someone said that we were conducting a march and the endpoint would be a government agency. In the end, no one seemed to know where we were going, but no one stopped. When we reached the end, the pointer in front of us turned in place, and then everyone stopped. We stopped in front of a lighthouse, and when we looked far out to sea, we could see a small island, which was another country. Then a man in the crowd with an oriental face stood up on a rock and said out loud to us that this was the northernmost point of the border, where the country met its end and disappeared into waves. He went on to say that he came from the island across the sea, that his father met his mother from this country when he was in college, then they fell in love and married and had him, and that after living across the sea for ten years, his family moved here. For a long time, he didn't know which country he belongs to. He has encountered a lot of discrimination in school because of his looks, so he hated his other half's identity. Until recently he finally learned to understand it all. The two islands separated by the ocean are still connected below sea level, although the boundaries of the nation exist above the ocean, they are still the same piece of land under the waves. Just like him, he is a person who exists outside the boundaries, outside the boundaries of those categories. He is both one and the other. The boundaries are given by others, he always has the right not to. He said, we are all like that, we are not just a lonely island, after the sea recedes, we are still connected. If we want, we can fly over these boundaries at any time. After listening to him, people went up and hugged him. Then someone took turns standing on the rocks, and each time they finished talking, they would come down and hug each other. I didn't stand on there, I just listened, and watched the ocean. Turning off the TV, I went upstairs to wash up and get ready for bed. In the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I saw that I had a different color of skin than the people here. I thought of the man, and what he said about islands and oceans. I still can't understand what he said. I still hate this place. I hate these people who bully me because I look different from them. I hate my parents who made me suffer all this. I hate myself for not fitting in. I shed tears silently, separating myself from others even further with the tiny ocean I had created.
"I don't know how to cross these lines yet, but I wish I could see under the ocean or be a free bird to fly through it all. I'm trying."
Sonder
自從我奶奶過世已經五年，偶爾我想念她的時候就會戴上 面具出門，目的地是她的家，她與她第二任老公一起打造的 房子，座落在法國的鄉村裡，附近五分鐘的路程有一座湖， 與我的法文名字一樣。那裡是我童年的一切，地下室冰庫裡 的冰淇淋，門外平台上的燒烤架，後院的鞦韆與沙坑，更遠 處還有種滿草莓與覆盆莓的菜園。 我的童年在臺灣與法國兩邊飛著，直到上了小學以後次數 變少，最後甚至兩三年沒有回去過，逐漸地也慢慢失去自己與 那裡的連結。於是僅存的那份屬於法國人的自覺隨著童年的 離去也逐漸被淡忘，直至自己偶爾因為深邃的五官被提起才 想起，刻在臉上的早已和心中所思的不同，卻仍反覆被提起， 模糊的混沌悄悄蔓延。 奶奶走的那年遇上疫情沒有辦法離開，於是只有父親回去 照顧她，我見到的最後一面甚至是視訊鏡頭裡努力喊出我名 字的她，那時腫瘤壓迫大腦她已無法好好說話，但她仍努力 說出我的名字。那個代表我與童年、奶奶、法國的名字。 時不時想念她的時候我就會出門，跟著指引，想像總有一 天我會走到她家。當然我沒有辦法，不只是過不去汪洋，而 是那棟房子早已被賣掉。我的目的地是一片幻影，模糊虛幻 卻如此真實存在於腦海裡，儘管眼不見卻依然相信，所以我 跟著指針走著。 戴上面具出門散步鮮少遇見他人，於是久而久之我也就把 路線記起來，甚至不需要裝置我也能找到方向，但我喜歡戴 上的感覺，與眾不同，儘管會被投以異樣的眼光，但我的長 相一直都吸引著目光，又有何妨。幻想自己是一隻鳥飛過大 陸與海洋，最後停在奶奶家門口的大松樹上，看她在石板地 上曬太陽，一切安好。 是三月底的某個午後，我遇見了那個一樣戴著遊鳥面具的 女孩，那是第一次我看見指針移動，朝著我不曉得的方向去。 我們見面時並沒有說話，只是默契地停下來等著裝置重新計 算路線，然後便一起向前走去。我們保持了沈默好一陣子， 直到我們來到一處河濱的高架橋底下，見那裡有幾張長椅，我 提議我們可以休息一下。拿下面具後沈默依舊持續了一陣子，
我們坐在那裡看著道路上的車子來來往往，河濱的人們慢跑 經過，我們就坐在那裡一動不動。 她先主動開口，她說她住在離這裡不遠的地方，然後她問 我說為什麼我會戴上面具出門。我和她解釋了我奶奶的事情 後，她和我說到，她出生於美國，母親在她五歲的時候離開， 隨後便和父親回來這裡，每年她母親的忌日就會出來走走。我 問她的目的在哪裡，她說那是埋葬她母親的墓園，她說雖然 有其他一起生活過的地方，但只有這個地方會是她母親一直 在的。後來我們聊到方向變換的事情，她說要不要查看看目 前的終點在哪裡，我想著這也是難得的機會便拿出手機查詢。 那是俄羅斯一片荒涼的平原上的一個點，我們兩個笑了出 來，沒有人想到我們會去那裡。然後她說也許我們從未想過， 但現在它成了一種可能。我回答到，或許有人的終點就是在那 裡也說不定，說不定有些人就想逃去那種地方，在某時某地， 有個人無比渴望想去到那裡。也許他已經去到了。也許我們 會比他早去到。也許我們會在那裡遇見彼此。 我們抬頭看著不斷遠去的車輛，好奇地想著他們都要去哪 裡，他們都知道自己要去哪裡嗎？他們知道也許有人正想去 到和他們一樣的地方嗎？我們並沒有答案，只是拿起面具， 決定再繼續走一段。 那天我們聊到最後時，她跟我說了一段我難以忘懷的話。 「這個裝置絕對不是必須的，但它是一種誠實與勇氣的象 徵。誠實於自己的格格不入、自己的迷惘、自己的渴望。而 這些都需要勇氣。有些人還沒有這樣的勇氣，或還無法對自 己誠實，洞察自己。但總有一天他們也會意識到，自己與千 萬人是如此相似又不同，相同於我們都存在，不同於我們做 出了各自的選擇。」
The profound feeling of realizing that everyone has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.
It's been five years since my grandmother passed away, and sometimes when I miss her, I put on my mask and head out to her home, the house she built with her second husband, nestled in the French countryside with a lake five minutes away, which has the same name as my French name. It was everything from my childhood: the ice cream in the basement, the barbecue grill on the deck outside, the swings and the sandbox in the backyard, and the vegetable garden with strawberries and raspberries farther away. I spent my childhood flying between Taiwan and France until I started going to elementary school, the number of trips became less, and finally, I didn't go back for two or three years. Gradually I lost my connection with that place. The last part of my French selfawareness is also gradually forgotten with my childhood fading away. Only when I am occasionally reminded of my deep features then I remember. Yet, what is carved on my face is already different from what I have in my heart. But I am still reminded repeatedly of it I can feel blurred chaos spread quietly over me. The year my grandmother died, there was an epidemic so I couldn't go back to see her, only my father went back to take care of her. The last thing I saw about her was her trying to say my name in the video, at that time the tumor had pressed on her brain and she couldn't speak properly, but she still tried to say my name. The name that represents my childhood, my grandmother, and France. Whenever I miss her, I would go out and follow the directions, imagining that one day I will walk to her house. Of course, I couldn't, not just because I couldn't get across the ocean, but because the house had already been sold. My destination was an illusion, vague and illusory but so real in my mind. I believed it even though I couldn't see it. So I followed the pointer. I seldom met others when I wore the mask for a walk, so I remembered the route over time, and I could even find my way without the device. But I like the feeling of wearing it, being different from the others, even though I would be looked at differently, but my looks have always attracted attention, so what's the harm. I imagine myself as a bird flying across the continent and the ocean, and finally stopping at the big pine tree in front of my grandmother's house, watching her sunbathing on the stone floor, all in peace. It was one afternoon at the end of March when I met the girl who was also wearing a walking bird mask. It was the first time I saw
the pointer moving in a direction I didn't know. When we met, we didn't say anything, we just stopped in silence and waited for the device to recalculate the route, and then we walked forward together. We remained silent for a while until we came to a riverside under the viaduct, where there were a few benches. I suggested we could take a break. The silence continued for a while after we took off our masks, and we sat there watching the cars come and go on the road, people jogging by on the riverfront, and we just sat there without moving. She was the one who started to talk. She said she lived not far from here, and then she asked me why I was wearing a mask. After I explained to her about my grandmother, she told me that she was born in the United States. Her mother left when she was five years old, and then she came back here with her father. Since then, every year on the anniversary of her mother's death, she would come out to walk. When I asked her where she wanted to go, she said it was the cemetery where her mother was buried. She explained that although there were other places where they had lived together, this was the only place where her mother will always be. Later, we talked about the change of direction and she said she wanted to check where the current destination was. I thought it was a rare opportunity so I took out my cell phone. It was a spot on a desolate plain in Russia. We both laughed out loud because no one thought we would ever go there. Then she said maybe we had never thought of it, but now it is a possibility. I said that maybe that's where someone's destination, maybe some people just want to escape to that place, and somewhere, sometime, there's someone who wants to go there more than anything. Maybe he's already there. Maybe we'll get there before he does. Maybe we will meet each other there. We looked up at the cars going away and wondered where they are going, do they all know where they are going? Do they know that there may be people who are trying to get to the same place as them? We didn't have an answer, we just picked up our masks and decided to walk a little further. At the end of our conversation that day, she said something to me that I will never forget. "This device is definitely not necessary, but it is a symbol of honesty and courage. Being honest in one's own incompatibility, one's own confusion, one's own longing. And all of these require courage. Some people don't have that courage yet, or they can't be
honest with themselves and gain insight into themselves. But one day they will realize that they are so similar and so different from millions of others. The same in that we all exist and different in that we all make our own choices."
© Robin Caquineau 2022
Mars, 2022 J'ai trouvé mes oiseaux marchants.