The Baby is Disappointing by Robbi and Matthew

The Baby is Disappointing

Idiotsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Books Volume XV

Idiots’Books

The Baby is Disappointing

By Matthew Swanson Illustrated by Robbi Behr

For Alden, who is not.

The baby is disappointing. It lies about and yowls. There are passing moments of minor satisfaction, but frankly we had expected more.

The baby is not agile. It cannot leap or jog or lick a stamp.

The baby is tremendously conceited, demanding our attention always. “Look at me,” it seems to say, “I am so important.” At least it cannot talk. At least we do not have to hear it brag.

The baby is careless, betraying an indifference to matters of propriety. Why, baby, why canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you try a bit harder? This hard-won world was meant for those of us who strive.

We have been compelled to show the baby to our friends, in spite of its failure to entertain. They lavish gifts and kindness. They make a show of taking photographs. They laugh amongst themselves, our former friends, once they have returned to their stylish bohemian lives.

The baby is ungrateful. Before it came, we painted its room in cheerful hues. We filled our home with colorful, non-toxic objects. And now it rewards us with howling or indifference. And unwelcome odors that linger in the hallway.

The baby is disconsolate. It will not tell us what it wants. And yet, we feel compelled to feed it, to keep it warm, to clean its tiny backside when it wails.

The baby is inconvenient. How can we go to parties now? We had failed to consider the matter of parties. How can we dash to Cabo for the weekend? It makes no earthly sense, this baby. The cost, the fuss, the noise, the mess. The raft of tiny socks.

The baby is unmotivated. It loafs all morning long. As the afternoon slides past, the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s work remains undone, and all the while this baby drifts in dreams of better days. And yet it does not smile. It does not know how.

The baby is greedy. We have given all we have, and yet it begs for more. And so we give it more. It pleads for the moon. We give it the moon. It wails for the stars. We buy it a multi-pack of crotch-snap onesies, to which it responds with less than total gratitude.

It’s worse than last year’s bankruptcy, this baby. It’s worse than when the basement flooded. Our shame is blazoned on our brows, chronicled in our ravaged check register.

The baby is not promising. It lacks grace. It is coarse. It is unclean. It wastes. It wrecks. It rants. It rails. It does not aspire. It will not achieve.

We will contact the schools we had applied to in advance, explaining that the baby has received some better offers. And then we will take to our rooms and weep for things that might have been in other versions of our lives.

The baby is asleep. The baby is sweet and agreeable. Its tiny hands are limp, its tiny face a peaceful kingdom. In a passing moment, with the front drapes closed and the side lamp on, it even looks a bit like you and me. We cross our fingers and hold our breath and watch the clock as the baby sleeps. We count the seconds as they pass, bracing ourselves for decades to come.

Idiots’Books

This Idiots’Books creation is the product of collaboration between Matthew Swanson and Robbi Behr, who also worked together in producing the baby who inspired it.

Idiots’Books Matthew Swanson is a writer/harmonica player who used to get a lot more sleep at night.

Robbi Behr is an illustrator/fisherwoman/baby whisperer already nostalgic for her stylish maternity outfits. Alden Swanson is a baby/screaming illiterate who poops in her pants with alarming frequency. Due to the overwhelming generosity of her parents’ friends, she is already the proud owner of five handmade blankets, three paintings, 24 books, 31 pairs of shoes, and a plush frog on a surfboard. They live in a barn in Chestertown, Maryland.

Also by Idiots’Books Facial Features of French Explorers (Vol. 1) Death of Henry (Vol. 2) Ten Thousand Stories (Vol. 3)

George Washington Slept Here (Vol. 11) Last Day (Vol. 12) The Nearly Perfect Sisters of the

Man Joe Rises (Vol. 4) Unattractive and Inadequate (Vol. 5) Richard Nixon (Vol. 6) Understanding Traffic (Vol. 7) Dawn of the Fats (Vol. 8) The Contented (Vol. 9) The Clearing (Vol. 10)

Holy Bliss (Vol. 13) The Vast Sahara (Vol. 14) For the Love of God A Bully Named Chuck My Henderson Robot St. Michaels: The Town That Somehow Fooled the British

Yearly subscriptions (4 Volumes) to Idiots’Books are available for $40. Go to www.idiotsbooks.com to subscribe. Right now. The Baby is Disappointing Copyright © June 2008 Idiots’Books Vol. 15 www.idiotsbooks.com See also: www.robbibehr.com www.idiotsbox.com www.thebarnstorming.com