Give me all of your money! What? No money? WEDGIE TIME!!! AHAHAHAHAH!
Fuck Cancer in the Peehole No! Stop! Please...
by Jo Szewczyk You think you’re a tough guy or something? Huh? I’m CANCER! NOBODY CAN BEAT ME!
Hey! Stop picking on that kid!
What the hell is all the racket? I’m trying to watch the Packers here!
Give me all of your money! What? No money? WEDGIE TIME!!! AHAHAHAHAH!
No! Stop! Please...
You think you’re a tough guy or something? Huh? I’m CANCER! NOBODY CAN BEAT ME!
Hey! Stop picking on that kid!
What the hell is all the racket? I’m trying to watch the Packers here!
What’s the hold up, Jerry? It’s 4th and 25!
Not on my watch! Grandma Ann didn’t raise no punk bitch!
Just some piece of shit trying to pick on a kid...
Put that kid down!
I may be a Packer fan, but even I can see there are THREE of us...
Or what? You ladies are vastly outnumbered!
and only ONE of you!
Oh really? Count again! I’m CANCER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
With that laugh, Cancer started to Multiply...
Damn, you guys multiply faster two rabbits Just than some piece of shit trying to pick on a kid... on Ecstasy...
Guys, we need to think What’ s the hold up, Jerry? It’s Dance off! Cha-Cha of a plan to stop him 4th and 25! before he gets too BIG! Not on my watch! Grandma Ann didn’t raise no punk bitch!
Booger eating!
What? Booger eating? Fuck no! There is only one way to settle this!
You mean that shitty movie?
IN THE RING!
No! THE WRESTLING RING! What’s this? I sense.... An old Bnetter in danger. DDenk...
Off to the Sailor-Mobile!
It’ll be easy! Artistic! It’ll make Pashion look like a Disney movie, they said...
&
VS
The Cancer
LADIES And GENTLEMEN... Tonight’s match is scheduled for One-Fall. Coming to the ring, from Orem, Utah, weighing in at 2880 lbs y* Shit r e b e i *B
s to t r a t s sic
pla
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Cancer? Didn’t he run for President?
No, you’re thinking of Trump or Clinton. I can’t tell the two apart anymore...
Tomato, Potato Kunda!
And his opponent, coming in at a combined weight of 1088 lbs, from The Ghettos of Northern Wisconsin.... My card here lists Danny as coming from Illinois... Wait, why would anyone from Illinois want to come here?
TMI, Gengle! TMI!
Where else can you suck milk directly from an udder! Mmm...fresh squeezed!
First one of you that calls me FIB gets it!
Uhhh...guys...any time you want to start... I mean, I like the intense looks and all, but if we could just speed this up a bit? I have another small child to kill over in Uganda.
GOOSH
The bell didn’t even ding yet!
!
h!
es
Bl
The bell didn’t ding, but Cancer sure just dinged up the Polanders! How can they withstand such an onslaught? The Ref is down! Cancer is playing dirty! Just like your mother’s virginity, the Polanders don’t stand a chance! You leave Mom out of this! We need a new REF! Ref, nothing! We need John Antonuk!
Dammit, Gengle! You know nobody’s seen Antonuk since he created that Time Machine that is fueled on Pretzels and Coffee!
D
h! s o o aZ
A HAHAHAHA! You are all DOOOOOMED! I am UNBEATABLE!
Meanwhile.... somewhere in Northern Wisconsin...
The time machine that John Antonuk made worked. It worked a bit too well.
Little did anyone know...
It turned a mild mannered chemi-physicistPoetic-Math dude into...
DAVID BOWIE.
(When you think about it, this shit makes sense and explains a lot about both people...)
A sequel to Merry Christmas, they said...
What’s this? I sense.... An old Bnetter in danger. DDenk...
Off to the Sailor-Mobile!
It’ll be easy! Artistic! It’ll make Pashion look like a Disney movie, they said...
What’s the hold up, Jerry? It’s 4th and 25!
Just some piece of shit trying to pick on a kid...
Hold me, Gengle! I’m scared! ...no, lower...oh, that’s it....
TheI’m lights? turned oumyself the lights? blind!Who I knew I gave one Not on my watch! Grandma Ann didn’t stranger too many! raise no punk bitch!
I know Deano used to joke about us not affording the light bill for how many times lights will go off during matches, but... What’s that music? Sounds like the devil being put on strings.... David Bowie’s Plan pumps out of the PA system.
Kerploooowwwwwww! A sequel to Merry Christmas, they said...
It’ll be easy! Artistic! It’ll make Pashion look like a Disney movie, they said...
What’s this? I sense....
What the fuck was that?!
Well, Kunda, as far as I reckon, it was either a foreign object or something exploding from your ass...
An old Bnetter in danger. DDenk...
Not my ass! A train could pass through my ass and not make a sound! Off to the Sailor-Mobile!
TMI, Kunda...TMI.
Kappaplowplowboowwww!!!
I can see again! And what’s this?! There’s only one Cancer now?!
It’s not fair!! You killed all of my clones! You can’t kill them! It’s not fair!
Fair? I’m David Bowie, I can do what the fuck I want!
Holy shit, Gengle! Is that.... ...
What’s the hold up, Jerry? It’s 4th and 25!
Man, that close. We need Just some piecewas of shit to pick onsucker a kid... to trying finish this off!
We need to assemble into VOLTRON! Like Joey can afford the rights to that! I have plan, but it is a bit rough and I’ll need everyone’s help!
Count me in!
Meanwhile.... sowewhere in Northern Wisconsin...
And ME! A sequel to Merry Christmas, they said...
Jerry’ s plan was simple. Painful, oddly What’s this? I sense.... familiar to anyone who ever had an old Bnetter in danger. ‘OldAn Fashioned’ Syphilis test, but simple. DDenk... Okay, I learned this from Brett Favre’s masseuse. All we have to do is... *whisper whisper*
I got two thumbs... no waiting!
Eh, Why not? I’ve done worse with Iggy Pop...
This time, it’s not just the tip...
What’s the hold up, Jerry? It’s 4th and 25!
Editor’ Just some s Note: piece Dueofto a Presidential interuption of our shit program, trying towe pick lost onthe a kid... visuals. However, we were Not on my watch! able to capture all of the audio. Oddly, nobody noticed that Grandma Ann didn’t raisesno punk bitch! this audio was played instead of the President’ speech.
Good Christ, Gengle! Is he....Did Jerry just...
Yeap, the whole Fist, Kunda!
Help! HELP!! THEY ARE FUCKING ME IN MY PEEHOLE!!! Technically, I’m FISTING you in the peehole.
My God! Now Danny has both thumbs... nay, his BOTH FISTS NOW up CANCER’S PEEHOLE! I’m not sure you should Someone pass the tissues....Meanwhile.... be turned on by this, sowewhere in Northern Wisconsin... Kunda.... Good job, Danny! My turn! Steven, you’re next!
ZWOOSH WOOSH PUUUSSSHHH Sweet are two grown men A sequel to Jesus, why? Why It’ll be easy! Artistic! Merry Christmas, they of their fists putting both inPashion my look peehole!! It’ll make
said... like a Disney movie, they said... He can’t take much more of this, Gengle! My What’ s this? own personal best is just two fists and a tickler! I sense.... I could have gone How is this even humanly possible? I have 8 fists up inside of my peehole! An old Bnetter in danger. all my life without that Steven, isDDenk... that your ring in here? image, Kunda... Ring...fork...a polish sausage
and I’m pretty sure I dropped some loose change....
I think Jerry calls this move ‘The Kardashians’. ‘The Kardashians’? Isn’t that Jo’s punchline for his Aristocrats joke? No...noooo....I must....ugghhhhh......
Cancer has tapped out! It’s over!! POLANDERS WIN!! POLANDERS WIN!
Winner by Octo-Fisting aka ‘doing a Kardashian’ to Cancer’s Peehole... The team of Jerry Levandowski, Steven Levandowski, Daniel Denk, and David Bowie...
The Polanders! Denis Leary said there’s no cure for Cancer, but tonight we learned Denis was wrong!
Yeah, Kunda, apparently all we needed to do was put ‘4’ people’s fists into it’s Peehole...
We may have beaten Cancer this time, but it’s only through renewed efforts...
efforts and sometimes lube, because let me tell you Cancer’s Peehole is pretty small....
What we mean to say is... Even though Cancer is a right fucking Bastard. Sometimes you just have to reach down deep... and place both fists in its peehole.
The more you know!
We Miss You All...
....and fuck Cancer. Fuck it, right in the peehole.