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Feelings Lie
committed to the relationship. Not the person, not the feeling, the relationship. When I asked Larry whether he was committed to his marriage or his wife, he responded the same way all my clients do: “What’s the difference?” The difference is that in a relationship, you are not committing to the other person but to the two of you together. The sum is larger than the parts. When you are committed to the relationship, you aim for a different standard than your day-to-day feelings about your mate. If your intention is to be loving, you don’t think, “I’m out of here,” every time he or she does something that irritates you. Your emotional temperature doesn’t rise and fall in response to the other person’s. Larry’s attention had been focused on his reactions to Diane instead of the bigger picture, their family. “Refocus,” I told him. “Remember that you’re committed to something larger than Diane, with her ups and downs and ordinary human frailties. You’re committed to the essence of why you two—and now, you four— are together. The funny thing is, if you are committed to the relationship, it’s easier to stop taking things so personally. You can witness Diane’s mood swings, and your own, without worrying that it’s all going to fall apart. If you are committed to your marriage, you don’t need to keep re-deciding about Diane. Let her moods roll off you, and be loving. You won’t succeed every time—you’re not Gandhi—but you can change your feelings if you identify them and remember your commitment.” Being committed doesn’t mean you can’t end a relationship if it becomes unsalvageable or abusive. You can and should end any relationship that might harm you or your children. Commitment is not a blind vow, it is an act of faith made with your eyes wide open. Loving fearlessly, you make a commitment like this only with someone who sees and loves you for who you are, someone whom
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