9143.01 FearlessLoving 10/29/02 1:20 PM Page 81
Feelings Lie
Like Ben and Robin, most of us claim to have very logical reasons for our behavior: “I must work late to support my family,” “I don’t have time for my husband because of all my responsibilities.” We know that if we add feelings into the mix the situation will start to feel dangerous. We might have to hurt someone or hear something painful, and we want to avoid that at all costs. Yet feelings are usually our only link to the truth of what is really going on between us and the one we love. To love fearlessly, we must be willing to name and share our feelings.
The Secret to Using Your Feelings: Detachment “All right, Rhonda,” you might be saying. “So what if I can identify my feelings? I can talk about them till the cows come home. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to do anything about them. You can’t control your feelings.” Not so fast. Remember, feelings are a result of the information we have and the way we perceive it. When Ben learned that Robin’s feelings about some of their past experiences were the polar opposite of his, it changed the way he felt about her in the present. New levels of understanding lead to different feelings, so ultimately we do have power over our feelings. The way to access this power is through detachment. On the surface of it, you might think detachment is the exact opposite of feelings. One is hot, one is cold. You feel things or you don’t. What I mean by detachment is an ability to care and invest, yet at the same time be willing to give up your expectations. Detachment is a crucial step in loving fearlessly. It allows you to let go and love, right now, as is. Not when it gets better or changes, but today. Detaching from the results teaches you how to love
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