Advice Goddess

Hurl, interrupted

Six years ago, I was dating this guy on the East Coast. He and I share a deep love of the arts. We started arguing on the sidewalk, and I got so upset that I vomited all over myself. He refused to drive me home or let me back into his apartment to change. Finally, he gave me a pair of pants, but he made me change in the stairwell. Shortly afterward, I moved out west. I told him I still loved him and couldn’t get him out of my system, but his response was downright cruel. Eventually, I fell in love with my current boyfriend. Well, East Coast Guy now wants me back. I do miss our mutual passion for theater and art. (West Coast Guy isn’t interested in attending artistic events.) However, I’ve had poor jobhunting luck and I’m fearful about my financial future, and West Coast Guy recently made me his heir. I’m tortured. Should I give East Coast Guy another chance?

Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote that mature love is “I need you because I love you.” Rather different from “I need you because I don’t want to be living in a packing crate when I’m 50.”

As for the love you could have … it seems that— awww!—even now, East Coast Guy wants to be the reason you walk home alone in an upchuck-decorated dress. (Sell framed, numbered snippings and it’s art!) Your entertaining a re-up with a guy who treated you so cruelly is bizarre—unless you consider a psychological gotcha called “the Zeigarnik effect.” Social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Brad Bushman explain that when a task or goal gets interrupted, the automatic, unconscious part of our brain keeps pinging the conscious part, nagging us to finish up whatever we’ve left incomplete. Unfortunately, our subconscious is only interested in getting the thing finished, not whether the guy in question is a complete douche-iopath.

A way to shut off the Zeigarnik effect is to complete the incomplete thing—like by ending it for good with East Coast Guy or maybe picking up where you left off. But before you do the latter, consider another factor that’s surely in play here—the cognitive bias of “selective perception.” This is our tendency to go all forgetsenheimer’s about the stuff that’s emotionally uncomfortable (ego battering, for example). Shoving it in some mental closet allows us to focus on more appealing beliefs, like “I can always count on him—to share my enthusiasm for gallery openings where everybody has complicated hair.”

Real love draws lines in how somebody treats you—how even when they’re angry, they act lovingly (assuming you haven’t, say, sauteed their parrot and served it up with a side of peas). As for whether you need a more arts-going man, that’s something to figure out before you get all relationshippy with somebody who’d rather stay home watching YouTube videos of a raccoon riding a Roomba. But also consider that life involves trade-offs, like maybe going to arts events with a friend instead of demanding that your partner meet your every need like a giant human Costco: “Love me, leave me money, and live to attend haunting performance art, like a woman reading a Chinese takeout menu for nine hours straight and then clipping her toenails and lighting them on fire.”

Grope springs eternal

I’ve always been a sexual free spirit, but I’d like to get serious with this guy I’ve been dating. Is it ever good to tell a guy about other guys you’ve slept with recently or who are still nosing around? I think it might make a guy feel you’re desirable and commit, but my guy friends say it’s really off-putting.

For a woman, finding somebody to have sex with is about as hard as finding an Indian guy running a 7-Eleven. Yay, huh? Uh … except for how harshly women get judged for being “sexual free spirits.” This comes out of what anthropologists call “paternity uncertainty”—the fear men evolved to have that they’ll be bringing home the bison to feed a kid who’ll be passing on the genes of Mr. Monobrow in the next lean-to. So men take issue with women who get around, whereas for men, there’s no such thing as “stud shaming.” In other words, never tell who or how many. And by the way, some guys claim they’ll be OK with knowing—just before they start keeping you up all night with questions like “Was it recent?” “Was there overlap?” and “Was this before you got Lasik?” The reality is, a boyfriend will want to believe that your body is a temple—and not the sort that’s been an international tourist hot spot with a eunuch outside operating one of those little clickers. Ω

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica,CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

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M-Su, 11am-4pm through 11/8. Free. 627 Mill St., 322-8896, www. artistsco-opgalleryreno.com. HOLLAND PROJECT GALLERY: All In: 2nd

Annual Gallery Fundraiser, The

Holland Project presents its second annual fund-raising exhibition for the gallery featuring work by more than 40 artists. The exhibition will take place through Oct. 10 and all of the artwork in the show will be available for purchase at $100 per piece between 6 and 9 p.m. on Sat, Oct. 10, the night of the closing reception. All proceeds from artwork sales will go towards future programming in the Holland Project Gallery. Sa, 10/10, 6-9pm. Free. 140 Vesta St., 742-1858, www.hollandreno.org. LIBERTY FINE ART: Drawings &

Paintings by Zoe Murkovich, The nine-year-old artist loves to draw dragons, dinos, horses and kitties all doing extraordinary things. Her latest gallery show is Laughing Dragons & The Half Moon. Through 10/31, 10am-5pm. 100 W. Liberty St., (775) 2328079.

NORTH TAHOE ARTS CENTER: October

Exhibits at North Tahoe Arts, Glass Quartet features artwork by regional glass artists Catherine Strand, Pam Sutton, William Hutchison and Toni Rockwell in the NTA Main Gallery. Lake Tahoe & The Sierra features oils by Howard Friedman in the NTA Corison Loft Gallery. Through 11/2, 11am-5pm. Free. 380 North Lake Blvd., Tahoe City, (530) 581-2787, www.northtahoearts.com.

SIERRA NEVADA COLLEGE: The Artists

Book: Divergent Perspectives, Reno

Book Arts presents a unique collection of artists books, prints and broadsides by Northern

Nevada artist. These works illustrate the array of book arts mediums and the multitude of divergent perspectives that can be achieved through the art of the book. Artists include Rob

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M-Su through 10/30.Transfusion,

Transfusion is a multimedia reconstruction of the electric power transmission system at a human scale. The show, featuring work by Lisa Ward, highlights both the formal and anthropomorphic characteristics of this life(style) sustaining infrastructure. M-Su through 10/30. 999 Tahoe Blvd. in

Incline Village, 831-1314. STREMMEL GALLERY: John Salminen:

City Light, The watercolor artist’s second solo exhibition at

Stremmel Gallery is a visual diary of his travels throughout

Europe, the United States and

China. There will be an opening reception on Thursday, Oct. 8, from 5:30pm to 7:30pm. M-Sa through 11/7. Opens 10/8. Free. 1400

S. Virginia St., (775) 786-0558, www.stremmelgallery.com. TEMPLE SINAI: Artist demo by John

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Museums

NATIONAL AUTOMOBILE MUSEUM (THE

HARRAH COLLECTION): SpaceMobiles:

From Rockets and Rovers to Cars on Mars. This exhibit takes a look at America’s fascination with

Reno Bites RestauRant Week

The fourth annual event celebrates Reno’s culinary culture with food-themed parties, competitions and offerings from more than 30 chefs, restaurants and other venues. Reno Provisions presents a free preview kick-off event on Thursday, Oct. 8, at 5 p.m. Small plates crafted by several of the participating chefs, plus Tahoe Blue Vodka cocktails, will be served throughout the downtown venue, where guests can also pick up their Yelp Passport to Reno Bites. Some of Reno Bites’ Signature Events include a “Fat Tuesday” Mardi Gras-themed masquerade party at Homage Bakery, 519 Ralston St., on Tuesday, Oct. 13, a whiskey and small bite pairing at The Depot, 325 E. Fourth St., on Thursday, Oct. 15, Pigtoberfest at Pignic Pub & Patio, 235 Flint St., on Friday, Oct. 16, and a Bloody Mary competition and tasting at Chez Louie inside the Nevada Museum of Art, 160 W. Liberty St., on Sunday, Oct. 18. Another highlight is the free Chef Showdown on Saturday, Oct. 17, starting at 2 p.m. at Czyz’s Appliance, 9738 S. Virginia St., Ste. AB. Eight of Reno’s top chefs will compete against each other in a limited time frame to prepare the best dish—chosen by a panel of food-enthusiasts and experts—using three ingredients only revealed to them moments before they begin cooking. Prices vary for each event. For more details, visit http://renobitesweek.com.

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M-Su through 4/11. $4-$10, free for members and children age 5 and younger. Contact National Auto

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Saturday at the Auto Museum.

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Visual History. W-Su through 1/10. $1-$10.Tahoe: A Visual History,

Experience Lake Tahoe landscapes through the eyes of 175 painters, photographers, architects, weavers and sculptors. The Nevada Museum of Art has organized the first major art historical survey exhibition of painting, Native baskets, photography, architecture and contemporary art dedicated to Lake Tahoe, Donner Pass and the surrounding Sierra Nevada region. TAHOE: A Visual History spans over two centuries of cultural and creative production related to the second largest freshwater alpine lake in the United States. W-Su through 1/10. 160 W. Liberty St., 329-3333, www.nevadaart.org.

Film

CRY OF THE CITY: This 1948 thriller finds Victor Mature in hot pursuit of suspected jewel thief

Richard Conte. The film also features Debra Paget and Shelley

Winters. Tu, 10/13, 7pm. $7 general, $6 students and seniors, $5 members. Good Luck Macbeth

Theatre Company, 713 S. Virginia

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