a Cure for Wellness
beauty and the beast
Split
old AcquAintAnce be forGot by bob Grimm
2017
has to be a better year for blockbusters, right? Will we return to eating popcorn with glee rather than having it nestle on our tongues while our jaws hang open in total disgust and disbelief? I think that bags of popcorn lasted a lot longer in 2016, more than any other year. Theater managers were all, like, “Why isn’t anybody getting refills? Did you over-salt the popcorn again, Jacquie? You’re fired!” Here’s a list of some upcoming movies. Many of the smaller, more artsy films don’t have release dates yet. It’s a very busy year, and I didn’t have room for some big ones, but this is a good sampling. Well, I guess you can be the judge of that.
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RN&R
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01.12,17
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bgrimm@newsreview.com
Split (Jan. 20) James McAvoy and Anya Taylor-Joy star in a new split-personality thriller from M. Night Shyamalan. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m kind of looking forward to this one.
XXX: RetuRn of XandeR Cage (Jan. 20) Vin Diesel returns to the franchise he started, or at least his stunt men do. It’s triple X-rated, apparently. Naughty!
fifty ShadeS daRkeR (feb. 10) Guys, go see this one with your partner on Valentine’s Day, and then use it as leverage to see the next one on this list.
John WiCk: ChapteR 2 (feb. 10) Yeah, man! Keanu kicking ass is a solid antidote for having to sit through all that lubby-dubby, bondage bullshit. I hope this is as good as the first one. Don’t want to see Keanu getting caught up in something shoddy, like Charles Bronson did with the whole Death Wish thing.
a CuRe foR WellneSS (feb. 17) This is some weird-assed movie from Gore Verbinski involving horrific goings-on at a wellness center. Perhaps somebody took a dump in an
Goodbye, lackluster blockbusters of 2016! Here’s hoping 2017’s movies are 50 shades brighter. isolation tank? Looks a little like Altered States meets Apocalypse Now. Wait, this suddenly became a very cool prospect, minus the tank dump thing.
the gReat Wall (feb. 17) Looks like Matt Damon is going to China and doing the whole Legolas/Hawkeye routine for director Zhang Yimou. This can’t be good, right?
logan (MaRCh 3) This is Hugh Jackman’s supposed swan song as Wolverine, and it’s apparently shooting for an R rating after the success of Deadpool.
t2: tRainSpotting (MaRCh 3) Danny Boyle returns with most of his cast for the second Trainspotting chapter, 21 years after the original. Is creepy ceiling baby coming back, too?
singing the same songs and wearing the same clothes! I thought Emma Watson was taking a long break.
ChipS (MaRCh 17) Yes, the motorcycle cop TV show is getting a movie. I still remember how traumatized I was after Erik Estrada got in a real motorcycle accident back when the TV show originally aired in the ’70s. I was a sad, lonely child.
life (MaRCh 24) A bunch of space travelers—including Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson and Ryan Reynolds—discover extraterrestrial life. As is often the case in alien movies, the extraterrestrial life form turns out to be a major asshole.
ghoSt in the Shell (MaRCh 31) Scarlett Johansson doing the cyborg thang.
kong: Skull iSland (MaRCh 10) Legendary rebooted Godzilla with major success, so now they intend to do the same for Kong, even making him a lot larger in stature so that he can battle Godzilla in a future movie. Geek-gasm.
beauty and the beaSt (MaRCh 17) Will Disney take the remake machine a little too far with this one? Come on, they’re
faSt & fuRiouS 8 (apRil 12) Charlize Theron joins Vin Diesel in another franchise he started. Vin Diesel is such a dickweed.
guaRdianS of the galaXy Vol. 2 (May 5) Oh wait, Vin Diesel is Groot. He’s not a total dickweed, just partial.
