Film

Foulest of them all

The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Four years ago, when Snow White and the Huntsman came out, Kristen Stewart was all the rage. The film made lots of money, and it looked like the former Bella had a new franchise on her hands. Not so fast. Kristen, in a moment of shameful and delicious wickedness, made out in public—well, in front of somebody’s unauthorized camera, anyway—with that film’s married director, much to the chagrin of then boyfriend Robert Pattinson and, consequently, her fan base. Plans for a sequel starring her were scrapped, and a whole new plan featuring her costar and budding movie giant Chris Hemsworth (Thor!) were hatched. What producers didn’t realize at the time is that Hemsworth basically sucks whenever he’s doing anything other than playing Thor. Blackhat, In the Heart of the Sea, Vacation, and now this mighty slice of hell are proof of this. While Snow White was no creative party, it was a tolerable misfire. The Huntsman: Winter’s War is a star-studded absolute mess. It’s a worthless slog of a sequel/prequel. It probably looked good on paper or around the pitch table, but the finished product plays like a drunken, straining Renaissance Festival where the organizer was strung out on heroin. Because sorcery and magic mirrors were involved in the original, Charlize Theron can return as the evil Ravenna even though she was dead. Because Stewart is gone, there’s enough money for two new stars, so in come Emily Blunt as Queen Freya and Jessica Chastain as Sara. And, of course, you have Thor on hand as the Huntsman, the most useless, banal role this guy has taken on in his mostly useless and banal career. All of this talent on hand, and what you get are the two main villainesses talking all slow and evil as if they were related to the elves from the Hobbit movies, and Hemsworth

garbling all his lines through some sort of Scottish accent. (Note to directors: Hemsworth is capable of U.S. and his native Australian accents. Attempt other accents at your own peril.) The plot involves some sort of bullshit involving the magic mirror that allows Ravenna to come back. Don’t worry, Ravenna by Bob Grimm takes the time to explain just how she can come back and how she’s only sort of dead, bgrimm@ but not really. Actually, go ahead and worry, newsreview.com because it doesn’t make much sense, even with her detailed, slow, deliberately paced 1 explanation. The movie actually starts some years before the first movie, with Freya all excited about having a baby with some married dude. An unfortunate event inexplicably turns her into an ice queen, and she freezes a bunch of the countryside (echoes of Disney’s Frozen). The movie then jumps over the events of Snow White and into a new, sequel type adventure. So it’s a sequel and a prequel, all in one. It’s unfortunate to see Blunt embarrass herself like this, slumming in a Frozen rip-off. She’s coming off the triumph of Sicario and Edge of Tomorrow. Then again, Into the Woods sucked too, so Blunt’s agents need to keep her far away from fairy tale films. Theron, who has a mostly impressive track record, sometimes shows up in clunkers, so her presence is no surprise, and should buy her another decent house. Chastain is clearly looking for a franchise, and she’s not going to get it here. Hemsworth certainly has movie star looks, and he’s perfectly fine when he’s playing exaggerated forms of himself. He’s possibly the worst actor on the planet when it comes to leaving his safety zone, doing difficult accents, and emoting. Basically, if he’s not wielding Thor’s hammer, he’s usually horrendous. The lesson here, I guess, is that if you have Kristen Stewart in your movie, and she makes out with the director, don’t kick her out of your franchise. Give her a raise! Christ, you’re in Hollywood, and all bets are off as to who’s doing whom. Yes, Stewart often just coasts on her worried, concerned, huffy face in movies like this, but at least she’s intelligible, which is more than I can say for marble-mouthed Hemsworth. Ω

"You’ll look great at the inaugural ball, Chelsea."

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1Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Director Zack Snyder has effectively knocked the wind out of two great comic book heroes. This film is a crime to every geek who has ever picked up a graphic novel. Hell, it’s also a crime afflicted upon hardcore Ben Affleck fans. Affleck could be a fine Batman. Actually, he could be a great Batman. But, like George Clooney before him, he winds up looking quite ridiculous running around in a messy movie in which his character simply doesn’t fit. A nice effort by Affleck to portray a nuanced, older, somewhat weary Bruce Wayne—not to mention a badass suit—is utterly wasted. As for Henry Cavill’s Superman, I’m longing for those short-lived days of Brandon Routh as Kal-el. While it isn’t entirely his fault, Cavill’s Supes is officially a dud. A sequel to the dreary Man of Steel, also directed by Snyder, Batman v Superman is a soulless step in the wrong direction. Snyder, who made a great graphic novel movie with Watchmen, has just completely lost the ability to put together a cohesive, exciting movie. The film drags, the character motivations make no sense, and the film totally lacks any sense of joy or humor.

2Everybody Wants Some!! Writer-director Richard Linklater makes a sort of companion piece to his breakthrough film Dazed and Confused with mixed results. This time out, he gives us a crew of young baseball players showing up for college a few days before classes and partying in various settings—a disco, a honkytonk, a punk bar—because it’s 1980, and things are all mixed up. The movie is full of bad wigs, bad mustaches, typical song choices (“My Sharona,” “Rapper’s Delight,” “Bad Girls”) and ugly ’70s cars. What it isn’t full of are the type of memorable characters that made Dazed such a delight. Blake Jenner (Glee) plays the film’s main protagonist, Jake, a baseball pitcher who has his eye on an art major (Zoey Deutch). Their little courtship is cute, but most of the movie isn’t as clever as it thinks it is. The cast of mostly unknowns deliver their lines like they are raining manna from their mouths, but none of it is all that funny or intelligent. For a film about baseball players, it spends very little time on the baseball field, and the ritual this team performs at the end of practice couldn’t possibly be done without killing somebody. It’s almost like Linklater is trying to make up for his garbage remake of The Bad News Bears by giving us a more mature baseball film, but this one feels too scattered.

4Eye in the Sky A drone pilot (Aaron Paul) has a missile shot all lined up and is about to pull the trigger on a houseful of terrorists when a little girl parks herself within the blast zone to sell some bread. This is just one of the dilemmas brilliantly depicted in writer-director Gavin Hood’s tense thriller about drone warfare and the political ramifications of collateral damage. Helen Mirren is superb as Colonel Katherine Powell, determined to take out multiple targets on Great Britain’s terrorist list, but needing to check the legalities of all her strategies before she can make a single move. In his last live action screen appearance, Alan Rickman is terrific as Lt. General Frank Benson, drolly responding to the bureaucracy that’s keeping him from doing his job. Paul brings his best big screen acting yet to the role of Steve Watts, a drone commander torn between killing an innocent child or preventing potential scores from being killed in a terrorist bombing. Phoebe Fox gives a breakthrough performance as Carrie Gershon, drone co-commander.

3The Invitation Dinner parties tend to suck, don’t they? You bring a stupid bottle of wine nobody will like. You have no small talk for others gathering at the table other than the weather and your stinky feet problem. Your hosts may or may not be trying to kill you. Will (Logan Marshall-Green) is visiting his ex-wife, Gina (Michelle Krusiec), for a dinner party. Gina has been away for some time, and she’s gotten all smiley in the wake of a tragedy she and Will suffered. Her new boyfriend, David (Michiel Huisman), is a bit of a weirdo, all happy and perhaps a bit too pleasant. In contrast to his pleasant demeanor, he shows the party a video of a woman, surrounded by members of some cult, dying by choice. That puts a strange damper on the party, but they all eventually make it to the dinner table, where things get even weirder. Director Karyn Kusama (Jennifer’s Body, Girlfight) does nice work within the scary cult genre, getting good performances from Marshall-Green and John Caroll Lynch as a friend with a sketchy past. There’s a good mystery at play here, with a final act that delivers on the build up. (Available for rent or download on iTunes, Amazon.com and On Demand during limited theatrical release.)

4The Jungle Book Jon Favreau’s delightful and funny take on the Rudyard Kipling’s tale of a boy raised by wolves is a winner. The story is pretty simple: A young boy raised in the jungle is pursued by a pissed off tiger (Idris Elba) who had his face burned by a human when he was young. When plans to leave for a human village are rudely interrupted, Mowgli (newcomer Neel Sethi) winds up staying in the jungle longer than he planned, and he must keep wearing the same pair of red baggy shorts. He encounters Kaa (Scarlett Johansson), an evil temptress snake, and other perils while building a special friendship with a big bear. And, as far as I could see, he never stops to wash those red shorts. A swim in the river doesn’t count. You need detergent. Bill Murray is, indeed, a masterstroke of vocal casting as Baloo, the big bear who befriends Mowgli on his extended jungle trek. Casting Christopher Walken as King Louie, the Kong-sized master of all apes in the jungle, actually tops the Murray casting feat. It gives Favreau’s film an opportunity to become truly weird, very funny, and even a little scary. The highlight comes when Walken’s King Louie, portrayed with undertones of Brando’s Colonel Kurtz, suddenly busts out “I Wanna Be Like You.” Walken is perfect for the song and perfect for the character, making the scene an instant classic. The special effects are topnotch.

3Miles Ahead Don Cheadle makes an impressive directorial debut with this crazy biopic that’s mostly fiction but all fun. Cheadle plays jazz trumpeter Miles Davis, hibernating from public life in the late ’70s when a Rolling Stone reporter (Ewan McGregor) shows up at his door looking for a comeback story. The film then turns part comedy thriller as Davis tries to track down a missing tape from his latest sessions, something that never really happened. It’s all just an excuse to use Miles Davis in a goofy story, and somehow it all works. Cheadle is awesome as Davis, even doing some impressive trumpet miming to boot. (Cheadle, like Ethan Hawke in the recent Chet Baker biopic Born to Be Blue, learned how to play trumpet for the part.) The film switches between Miles in the ’70s and Miles in the ’60s dealing with relationship struggles. No, the movie doesn’t really focus much on the actual music. It’s more of a weird trip inspired by the music. Michael Stuhlbarg is good as a shady record producer, and McGregor has a lot of fun as the shifty reporter who will do anything for a scoop. Cheadle has made a good looking and sounding movie to go with his strong performance. It’s not going to win any awards for accuracy, but it’s a fun movie with a Cheadle performance well worth any music lover’s time.

3Mr. Right Yes, this is another one of those hitman comedies. There are many, too many to recount here, so I’ll just get to the point. This one is pretty good because it has Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick in it. Actually, it’s only good because it has Rockwell and Kendrick in it. Kendrick plays a woman just out of a relationship after catching her boyfriend cheating. (She has a drunk-closet scene that is very funny.) Rockwell plays a hitman who wears a clown nose, dances when he kills, and likes to kill those who hire him to kill because killing is wrong. The two meet in a store and start an unorthodox relationship. They like the same sort of things and both have the ability to catch knives thrown at their face. She finds out he kills people and that sort of complicates things but they still give it a go. Kendrick, who is in a million movies lately (actually, six this year, not counting this one), has solid comedic chops and she should be a bigger star than she is. She also brings a bit of the crazy, and it’s convincing. Rockwell is Rockwell, and I can think of nobody better to play a dancing hitman. Tim Roth shows up as the guy who trained him. It’s all kind of forgettable, but mildly enjoyable while it’s going on. (Available for rent on iTunes, Amazon.com and On Demand during limited theatrical run.)