Refresh Magazine - Issue 1

Refresh Magazine create. share your voice.

cover art by kat day

WELCOME TO

REFRESH MAGAZINE

PRINT ISSUE 1 December 2020

create. share your voice.

Refresh Magazine is a platform for creatives. Our mission is to raise creative voices from all walks of life, allowing contributors to share their work. From your most recent creative pieces, to your thoughts on what you are reading this month, to issues closest to your heart, Refresh Magazine is here to help you grow and celebrate yourself as a creative. Founded in 2020, we are driven by the idea that creativity is a powerful way of making sense of the world we live in. We want to hear what you have to say through your work, whether through words, poems, music, art or anything in between.

We couldn’t be more excited to share our first digital magazine with you. We started this project because we wanted to create a platform for everyone to share their voice. In a creative world where there is such a thin veil between success and rejection, we are creating a space that is the opposite. A platform that prides itself on championing everyone, we believe every individual has something of value to say and we are here to share the voices of those who are too often silenced. Refresh Magazine is here to inspire, to share and to bring people together from every walk of life to create and learn from one another.

This first digital print edition is a really special milestone for us and we do hope you enjoy it. As we test the waters, we have included a selection of work from our contributors and full information about the creatives and all their work can be found on our website at www.refresh-magazine.com. Please let us know if you have any feedback or comments, we’re here to listen, evolve and grow together.

An enormous thank you to all our contributors, supporters and readers. You have been a shining light during this year like no other. Thank you.

The Refresh Team

@refresh_magazine www.refresh-magazine.com refreshmaglndn@gmail.com

editorial

editorial

E

arlier this year, we were speaking on the phone, having a general rant about career prospects, job security, and how hard it is to land your dream job. After a lengthy discussion about how seemingly difficult it is for our generation with impossible job prospects, job applications that take circa one month to complete, soaring house prices and piling student debt, we decided to take matters into our own hands, and start a platform ourselves the kind of platform we would want to work at.

I speak here in exaggeration - I actually feel immensely privileged to be living and working in London, close to friends, family and loved ones. I’ve accepted that I probably won’t own a flat until I’m fifty, and student debt is now a negligible number on my payroll, a number that actually never seems to go down - I am fortunate, and there are far worse positions to be in. However, I do think that it can be challenging for university graduates, fresh out of uni and flung head first into a world that no educational establishment prepares you for. There is so much to learn, and not enough time to do it, as the competition soars and the clock ticks on. Do you go straight into a job? Do you do a masters? Do you go travelling? HOW do you get your dream job? What is your dream job?? I feel that there are so many questions, and no one quite has the right answer. We all know that ultimately we are the master of our own destiny, so to speak.

Nonetheless, I had recently heard some advice that more or less directly lead me to both starting this platform, and to start volunteering for a mutual aid organisation during lockdown (massive shout out to Oxford Mutual Aid who have done, and continue to do, an incredible job helping the vulnerable). The advice was that your ‘paid job’ does not need to be the only thing that you work on, the only thing that fulfils you, and the only thing that you enjoy; you can gain your fulfilment from different outlets. For example, if you work in a corporate money making machine, but you feel guilty about not helping the vulnerable, then spend an evening a week working for The Samaritans. If you love reading and writing, like us, you don’t have to make that your sole job. It doesn’t have to be your be-all and end-all, or where you earn your primary income. This advice sounds obvious, but it really hit home. I think we all struggle with figuring out who we are, what we want to do with our time, and where we want to be. I imagine this isn’t solely applicable to those in their twenties - I have trustworthy sources who tell me that this identity questioning and quest to find a

fulfilling career will continuously ebb and flow throughout your life, leading you to some potentially challenging cross-roads over the course of your lifetime and career. We can start to work on different projects simultaneously that ignite a certain fire within you; ‘projects’ being your job where you earn your primary source of income, the volunteering you do on weekends, your odd tutoring gig, the blog you run with your sister, photography that you’ve taken up in your spare time. The possibilities are endless, and the world’s your oyster.

So that’s why we’ve started this, to make our soul tick.

To spark the tiny part of our soul that is missing the creative outlet, the space to write, read and be heard, and to give others the platform to do the same I often find it strange when you meet someone for the first time and they ask you what you do. I know the standard response is where you work, but I always think there’s so much more to it than just that. None of us want to be labelled by our place of work, regardless of whether we love it or hate it. Yes we work there, but what if you also love cooking, and are secretly an incredible chef? What if

you love reading and write book reviews in your spare time? Or love playing music? Or dancing? Or playing football?

There’s so much to life, and there are so many more opportunities out there, it’s just about finding the one, or ones, that make your soul tick.

So that’s why we’ve started this, to make our soul tick. To spark the tiny part of our soul that is missing the creative outlet, the space to write, read and be heard, and to give others to platform to do the same. It’s been a tough six weeks, and we definitely gave ourself an over ambitious timeframe, given that neither of us have built a website before (a huge shoutout to Squarespace for providing a platform for the technologically incompetent). But we got there, eventually, and have learnt an unbelievable amount in such a short amount of time.

When we started initially on social media, we didn’t know whether we’d get any submissions. We had a serious discussion about how we would each have to write five articles on different topics and hope that no one noticed. What we did not expect, and what we weren’t ready for, was such amazingly talented and wonderful people writing in from all over the world, wanting to be published by us. Artists, photographers, writers, poets, musicians and graphic designers, all with something important to say. We feel immensely privileged and incredibly lucky to be able to read and view such high quality work, from the articles on coming out of a pandemic, being a parent, career fulfilment and dating in lockdown, to photographs taken during the Black Lives Matter riots in the US, and an incredibly diverse series of art from Kat Day in Texas and her wonderfully talented son - an autistic child with an already very successful career as an artist. We’ve enjoyed speaking to everyone individually and finding out the story behind their work. To our contributors - I hope we’ve done your work justice and we are sorry we haven’t been able to include everything in this first print edition as we test the waters. But we will get there and your feedback is invaluable, so please do let us know what you think. If you had told us we would have so many voices to share that we cannot fit them all here, and that we would have a little budding team working to grow this project at the beginning of this year, we wouldn’t have believed you...

So that’s it for now. Thank you for joining the Refresh family, and I hope everyone finds something that makes their soul tick, in one way or another.

Jemma Amos and Holly Ogdon,

contents comment

So What Are You Looking For?

10

Group Grief

11

A Bare Faced Miracle

12-13

Confronting Reality

14-15

We Don’t Have Time For Mum Guilt

16-17

We Need To Talk About Mental Health

19-19

Healng Words To Heal

20-21

2020: The Collapse of Certainty

22

Social Media vs Reality

23

By Esther

By Beth

By Holly Miller

By Charlotte

By Kim Graves

By Jen

By Rachel Kelly

By Jemma Amos

By Scarlett Smith

columns Tasha Talks

26-29

By the Book

30-31

Agony Grant

32-33

By Natasha Walker

by Felicity

by Grant

artwork isolation selfie series

36-39

Classics Meets Collage: The New Realitiies of kitty lintin

40-47

Uncommitted relationships

48-55

Black Lives Matter Series

56-59

Ads As You’ve Never Seen them

60-63

Artwork by Emily Shih

64-71

By Ella Devy Dabysing

By Kitty LinTin

By Daniel Jarrett a.k.a. Danso1o

by Kat Day and Aiden Gamez

By MARYAM ELSHARKAWY

poetry CWA WARCRY

74-77

Price of the American Dream

78-79

Ode to the Beer Garden

80-83

I can’t Breathe

84-87

By Jennifer Martin

by Yaye

by Nicola Cronin

By Njabulo Nkambule

photography Welcome Back to the Real World Series: 1, 2, 3

90-103

Fragmented memories of a Place Called Home

104-111

Rainbow Dust and Shooting Stars

112-117

By Nazrene

By Sinenkosi Msomi

By Bailee

COMM 3

ARTWORK BY KITTY LINTIN

MENT

SO WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? Esther discusses the highs and lowss of dating during a global pandemic.

F

or many, nothing would be more excruciating than the idea of sitting, glass of wine in hand, on a first date - in front of a webcam. In some ways it seems inane that such a scenario would intimidate the most seasoned of daters, particularly when the modern world is glutted with dating apps.

Yet for singles existing through quarantine, social distancing seemed - at least temporarily - to spell the end of romance. For a short while, the only means of finding love was to get online, braving the zoom call with excess of wine and slightly stilted conversation.

Just as we were warming to the novelty of pandemic life, the hit Netflix show Love is Blind blew up the internet, baffling millions of streamers with the sincerity of the contestants, who proclaim their love for a person whom they have - quite literally - never seen before. It’s okay to admit to binge watching it (in isolation, all sorts of dirty secrets were revealed). Yet, despite being ludicrous and unbelievable, the lessons that some of the characters learnt (and failed to learn) whilst being on the show, may help us navigate our own situation.

This rather unusual dating scenario felt like a reflection of pandemic life, as ‘seeing’ your partner was limited to sporadic shifts of texting trying to find something to bond over other than Carol Baskin memes. Whilst the contestants were separated by a thin wall made of glitter, couples in the real world had to overcome oceans and time zones to find out that sustaining fun conversation in the midst of a global crisis was rather ambitious.

At least the contestants didn’t have their phones. The trend of emerging

10

to your partner naked while he/she is otherwise preoccupied took Tiktok by storm. Who didn’t watch those clips and envy the loved-up couples - particularly when the only other source of life in your own apartment was a dying house plant? As much as social media connected others, it was almost a burden for those who compared their single lives to those of couples. Social media was the downfall for Love is Blind stars Giannina and Damian because it stole Giannina’s attention away from her amour. In a world in which people can simultaneously arrange a hook-up and order take-out with a few swipes of their phone, sex has become too much of a commodity.

Are we a culture out of love with love?

In her novel Fleishman Is In Trouble (2019) Taffy Brodesser-Akner tackles this knotty topic of love in the modern world. The hilarity of the novel did not hide its bitterness; longlisted for the National Book Awards, it clearly struck a chord with millennials for its evocation of dating as a series of impersonal, often uncomfortable transactions.

perhaps a new era of romance will be initiaed as love has learnt to slow down

What next for dating post-quarantine? Will the inability to be immediately intimate draw us closer together in the long term? Perhaps one thing that quarantine and Love Is Blind can teach us about love, is patience. Not just because it was an agony waiting for each episode to be released, but because the couples on and off screen were forced to wait. They had to learn one another: they had conversations. There wasn’t the pressure of having to wait until the third date to make a move. It didn’t matter if they had lipstick on their teeth or if their clothes were sloppy (although some still dressed up to the nines). They had to rely upon communication to form their intimacy - something which we are severely lacking in today’s fastpaced world. Right now, people have the luxury of time. It is important to make use of it.

Of course, after quarantine is over, dating apps will still thrive. People will still be ghosted. But perhaps a new era of romance will be initiated as love has learnt to slow down. For when there was very little to talk about other than what you ate for lunch, or what series you were re-watching, the conversation shifted to, and was focused upon, each other. People were forced to be introspective. As a society, this could be the era of emotional connection that we have been waiting for.

Esther is a 22 year old English graduate currently living in Bristol and soon to do an MA. She loves hiking, art and film – and of course, writing.

GROUP GRIEF

Beth touchingly reflects on the underdiscussed mass trauma and grief being caused by the Covid-19 pandemic.

I

t was my Grandad’s funeral in April. After widowerhood, a long decline, and a short illness (Covid-19, what else?) he passed away. There were four people in attendance (five if you count him in the box); my father and my aunt (his two children), the vicar, and the undertaker.

My father was not able to hug his sister – she was still going into school to teach, and the risk of her asymptomatic carrier of Covid-19 was too high. My mother, undergoing chemotherapy for secondary cancer and therefore in the highly vulnerable category, had to remain self-isolating at home and did not attend the funeral. Nor did I. Nor did the extended family, the friends, the colleagues, the well-wishers or the acquaintances that my Grandad deserved.

Deaths from Covid-19 are not accompanied by crowds of hysterical mourners or visible destruction that shakes the core of society. When people die in this pandemic, they die alone. At best, they die in the company of doctors and nurses rendered faceless and anonymous behind layers of PPE. No family members get to say goodbye, no memorials or funerals are held as a final goodbye. The levels of support we strove to build throughout our lives – long or short as they may be – are conspicuously absent from the bedsides of Covid-19 victims.

This bleak, unceremonious experience of death and bereavement is not unique to my family. So why is our grief so quiet now in the face of millions of deaths? Why is there no mass-mourning, no moments of silence, no solemn reflections?

Perhaps our struggle to express our grief is, in part, because, despite all the rhetoric heroising our healthcare workers as they “battle” a disease, we are acutely aware that we are not at war. There is no enemy at which we can target our anger, the attacks are not calculated or publicly dramatic enough. It feels tasteless when our government celebrates the deaths

of “only” thirty or forty people each day; each death is still a death for a person, a family, and a community to grapple with from our individual isolation.

While social media channels undoubtedly allow us closer remote connection than ever before, and provide an outlet for outpourings of memory and emotion, they do not replace real, physical connection. Deaths from Covid-19 are, by their nature, quiet, detached from our mass-social experience. In contrast, the collective fire of the Black Lives Matter protests and movement tower against the visible, enraging reality of police brutality as an expression of systemic racism. Our government does its best to drown out the grief from both police and pandemic, endlessly spinning news cycles to focus on driving to Durham, flying to Greece, the fate of the economy (which will, undoubtedly, result in more quiet deaths), the fact that the Prime Minister can do a pushup, the supposed controversy of old television episodes; anything but the reality of death and inequality that surrounds us.

Perhaps there is no way to process By flooding our feeds with banalities and manipulating the collective discourse, the reality of each death is minimised. With no funerals to go to and no wakes to hold, there is an expectation of shared momentum that does not leave room for individual grief. Taking compassionate leave for a couple of days is one thing, but when your home has become your office it is harder than ever to step away and find a space to process bereavement.

Humans are not good at “doing” grief on our own. Our very landscapes and languages bear evidence of the human need for collective grieving

practices. The oldest known cemetery in the world, Taforalt cave in Morocco, is more than 14,000 years old. Thousands of Neolithic long barrows still stand. The three-day tangi, the Maori ceremony of mourning, also literally translates as “to weep”.

In the UK, there are 100,000 memorials to the dead of the First World War. The September 11 Memorial in New York had its budget limited to “just” $500 million. In the face of figures like that, one candle laid on the steps of 10 Downing Street hardly seems to be a proportional reaction to more than 44,000 reported deaths in the UK alone.

Perhaps there is no way to process the sheer scale of death that we have encountered and continue to encounter in real time. It may be that, five or ten years down the line when we have found new ways to perform mourning rituals in a socially-distanced manner, memorials will be built to the dead or to the front-line staff. Unlike the wardead, commemorated annually and honoured with towering marble monuments, the Covid-dead are not even names but fleeting daily numbers to those outside of their inner circle. We are facing a void of grief and isolation with a government determined to turn our focus and move on with restoring a system that many cannot survive in. Death has been democratised, and the way in which we respond to it as a society is at a turning point. We can confine our grief to 180 characters and get “back to normal”.

Or we can sit with the pain, the unfairness, the inequality that underpins it, and demand change. Funerals are not for the dead. They are for the living, the ones left behind. We are the ones who are left behind, and we are the ones who can build something new.

Beth is a writer, hiker, and enthusiastic baker when she’s not researching Chinese gender identity or studying Mandarin for her Master’s degree. You can find her on Twitter and see more of her writings and research here.

11

A BARE-FAC

Holly Miller explores the o through her lockdown-inspired

I

f I’d have sat down with my teenage self and told her she’d reach a place where she’d be happy to venture out the house with not a flick of mascara on, or even a dab of concealer, she’d be horrified. It would be so ludicrous to her she wouldn’t be able to picture it. Even on the rushed days, the days where she shouldn’t care because no one in ordinary life really cares, the daily, minimal makeup routine would be applied.

And yet, here I am. The last time I dabbed concealer over the small red spots and under my tired university eyes, or shaped my eyebrows with pencil, or wavered a mascara wand, was pre-lockdown. The ritual was well-worn from the daily ten to fifteen minutes that must have accumulated into years by now. Sitting down at my dimly-lit desk in my university room, I’d peer at my own face in a badly screwed together mirror and see what needed to be covered, sharpened and redefined. Redefined into a smoothed out, altered version of my naked face. I now see how this ritual became a part of a pattern that insidiously reinforced a heightened vanity and drew attention to the small, uncontrollable details of my face. The routine became another factor that distracted me from other matters.

This is not a diatribe against peo-

12

ple wearing make-up. For millions, make-up is a form of expression and an aid to make yourself feel good.

Anything that can bring such satisfaction should be rightly celebrated, alongside the increasing universal appeal of make-up as a mode of gender-neutral self-expression.

Instead, I have had a long time inside to reflect upon my own internalised beauty standards and how I interacted with that often monolithic Western idealised image of womanhood. And I know this revelation is not new, nor are my arguments for it - it’s been decried since feminisms’ Second Wave marched for change over half a century ago. Yet I have internalised so much of the same inherent beliefs around beauty that have been historically and systemically used to control women’s beings. It’s infuriating to be still talking about these issues yet we must, for they continue to have a global impact on the way women live their lives.

During lockdown I saw how the internalisation had unravelled slightly when I was removed from what I perceived to be the Gaze of Society. In this time more than ever, we’re aware of the different ‘gazes’ people are viewed through. The Gaze of Society is undoubtedly entangled with the Male Gaze of art, cinema and advertising. It is the Gaze I believed would be waiting for me on the street,

the Public Gaze, that deciding my worth and my position amongst it.

Lockdown has been a unique time for me as I finished out my undergrad from the confines of my sleepy, out of the way hometown instead of the bustling city populated by students.

I questioned the hold I thought the Gaze of Society had on me once I felt I was removed from its view.

Beauty should not be the value of our worth, or our ideals I never wore make-up to such an extent that it was an explorative medium for me: I had a few eyeshadow palettes and had perfected my wing-eyeliner, but that was the extent of it. I was partially on my way to a make-up detox after spending three years around my peers, who often went comfortably bare-faced to the library or to the gym. It was the first time I’d been around people my own age choosing not wearing any make-up. My unconscious partici-

CED MIRACLE

oppressive power of make-up d venture to go make-up-free.

pation - though limited - in my routine seemed jarring all of a sudden. I realised, through the routine, I wore make-up to be perceived in the best way possible by glancing strangers. It was a strange form of hyper-vigilance that not only bred into a perpetual vanity, but also stole focus away from my work.

Once removed from such a cycle, away from the Gaze of Society that I feared such instantaneous judgement from, I found myself no longer engaging with the social space where it had festered. What I thought was the baseline societal mould - longer, darker lashes and smooth stretches of skin - was no longer required and that mould cracked in two.

In lockdown, I still took time to consistently dress in the clothes I adored, to avoid slipping into slobbish territory that was unhelpful in working to finish my degree. I did not worry about mascara smeared eyes as I rubbed them after another long day of staring at a screen. Slowly, as the weeks flitted by, I began to spare my face no longer than a cursory glance. I never stood close enough to examine the spots lingering on my chin, or the stray hairs growing out of their carefully maintained shape. My leg hair grew and grew and grew, but I no longer saw it.

I stopped noticing the way I pulled my

face into schooled lines to convey indifference, or haughtiness that made me look so serious. The face that I’s taught myself to wear in public to convey something, although I’m not sure what I was attempting to communicate. But my society face was no longer needed for days and weeks and months of being orbited by only my family.

or our ideals. The space it takes up in our brains can be draining. I hope that one day it’ll stop carrying the stamp of worth and fade into the background as other character attributes come forward to be counted.

Holly Miller is a writer of poetry, articles and fiction. See her work at writerhollymiller.com or instagram: @hxlly.m

There became a clear split between what I was doing for myself and what I was doing for other people. Or rather, what I was doing because I wanted to present myself to other people so they could learn all about me from just a momentary glance.

It is the greatest gift I could get from this horrendous and insecure time.

I have been gifted back my bare face. Only now it is my bare face that I do not think about, nor tweeze or pluck at and elongate into the face I thought the Gaze of Society wanted as it waited for me outside my front door.

This time has cleared the space to think of other endeavours and plans and ideas. I know I’ll wear make-up again at some point and when I do, I believe I’ll apply it with a nostalgic nod to my teenage self who’d commit herself to the chair daily. Beauty should not be the value of our worth,

13

CONFRONTIN

Charlotte applied for over 130 jobs before being offered one, a num into this difficult transition period in our lives, the ill-prepared honest and transparent conversation about the challenges

A

s realistic as we might be pre-graduation, leaving education after your life has been spent within it can be a culture shock, which is for the most part not acknowledged, nor a transition that is well supported.

I graduated last year and applied for over 130 jobs before being offered and accepting one; I realise some people apply for many more. I noticed there was a dearth of support and guidance for recent graduates or anyone entering into full-time work for the first time. As I couldn’t find what I was looking for, I set up an Instagram page as a place for people to find reassurance and share tips.

Running it has probed me to reflect on the challenging process of applying for a job.

The lack of certainty (which is intensified for this year’s cohort graduating into a global pandemic) is a highly disorienting experience. To decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life is overwhelming -- existential crises that way lie. It helps to break time down: identify what you would like to spend the next six months doing and where you hope to be in a year. Planning beyond that is futile because you have no idea what may arise in the meantime.

While it is crucial to still harbour ambitions, it is also important to temper them with reality, which means not saying to yourself that you want to have a job, or whatever you are aiming for, by a set date. It is unfair to put yourself under such pressure because you are only one factor among infinite uncontrollable ones.

When applying endlessly for jobs from which you hear nothing back, your self-confidence and motivation can take a hit. Try to put yourself on an equal footing, even if you struggle to believe it: companies open vacancies because they need an employee so you are not the only one seeking something. Then go even further than equalising: flip the situation and identify how it advantages you. If you

14

have an interview and do not get a job from it, you have still gained experience and a chance to hone your technique. All of your job searching is essentially market research and is equipping you with useful information about the work sphere, such as the language used in employment, salaries available, and the needs of the market. Knowledge is power and here it enables you to advocate for yourself as you know what you can rightfully expect and what can rightfully be expected of you.

men apply for jobs if they match around 60% of the criteria, while women wait until they meet them all Acknowledge that applications and interviews constitute a skill set in themselves; this isn’t everyday chat with a friend. Channel a job searching alter ego, a version of you comfortable pushing your strengths and selling yourself. This can incidentally help with self-preservation, confidence and rejection, because you understand that the recruitment process is not about bearing your soul to a potential employer but simply your professional persona. Equally, it is useful to detach skills and confidence. It is not a case of: the more skills you have, the greater the confidence you are allowed.

Rather, the more confidence you have, the better you will showcase

your skill set. If you think of confidence as a state and not an intrinsic trait you must already possess, then it makes it easier to practise and inhabit.

With regards to women, there is the oft-cited idea that men apply for jobs if they match around 60% of the criteria, while women wait until they meet them all. It is highly likely you are not applying for a role stratospherically out of your reach; rather, it is a question of summoning the confidence.

It has also been shown that the language of job applications can be aggressive or off-putting for some. I once heard that ‘a job specification describes a perfect person but the perfect person doesn’t exist’. An employer is setting out their ideal candidate in an ideal world but this doesn’t mean you have to match everything to be a hard worker and a great asset to a company. Indeed, you might not get the job, but you certainly won’t get it if you don’t apply, so go for it.

Rejection is an inevitable but difficult part of the never ending and soul-destroying process. It is easier said than done but as soon as you possibly can, begin framing the experience of not being offered a role as a professional set back and not a personal rejection.

Make a clear distinction between your personal self and professional circumstances. Rejection stings, but it stings less if you don’t see it is a refusal of all that you are. Also remember that you could offer a stellar application or interview but that is not all that comes into play: you don’t know the quantity or calibre of other candidates; you cannot get into the head of the interviewer to know exactly what they want; you cannot control the broader job market. Situations are nuanced so it is not: the candidate chosen is good and therefore I am bad. Your skills are valid, you are a valid candidate. Always hold that close.

Everything is a learning curve, which can be an encouraging thought, allowing you to take something even

NG REALITY

mber that is seems unbelievable yet is not uncommon. She dives deep dness we face on leaving higher education, and the need for a more s that thousands of graduates experience year after year.

from rejection. The job application process provides an opportunity to build resilience, patience, perseverance and other very useful skills for life and work. You may also be able to seek constructive feedback -- if an interviewer is decent enough to offer it, then you can build on what you learnt next time.

Sometimes it feels unfathomable that you could find the motivation and enthusiasm to apply for more, but you’ve been there before and you can do it again A little more philosophically, a job wasn’t right for you by virtue of the fact you didn’t get it. Our imaginations can run away with us, and happening upon a job which seems so well matched can lead us to picture the dawn of our perfect life upon working there. This is why not getting a job is not just gutting because of the practical side, but also because you must let go of the future you had projected onto that opportunity. Acknowledge the disappointment, it’s

tough. Sometimes it feels unfathomable that you could find the motivation and enthusiasm to apply for more, but you’ve been there before and you can do it again.

Also think carefully about who you turn to for support during the job hunting period. Some people close to you may become emotionally invested to an unhelpful degree; others are incredibly solutions-driven. Certainly, there is a time and place for concrete suggestions but it is not always appropriate. Perhaps you could seek out an impartial mentor to help you assess your situation. Either way, identify what support you want and need: do you want advice, or do you want a listening ear? Occasionally what you simply require is sympathy, for someone to say: sorry, that’s rubbish.

Reflection is an underrated thing.

Leaving education brings with it an inordinate amount of decision-making which can swiftly lead to decision fatigue. In terms of jobs, it would be a wonderful stroke of luck to find a role that ticked all boxes straight away, but unlikely. I came to think of it as the job venn diagram, necessitating a compromise between salary, role, and location. Could I get by on a lower salary if the job seems great? Would I accept a decent salary in a job that doesn’t align with my values? Integrity won’t pay the bills, after all. Would I accept a subpar offer because it is based in a place I want to live? For some people there may be fewer or more circles to add. Unless you reflect, you won’t be able to identify what is right and realistic for you and where you are willing to be flexible.

It is likely that alongside applying for jobs, which ironically feels like a job in and of itself, you are doing something else: full or part-time work, volunteering, travelling, whatever it may be.

Avoid thinking of this as ‘in the meantime’ or ‘wasted’ time until you attain your goal, as you are gaining skills and experience automatically, which

may actually make you even stronger in life and work. If we have unmet expectations or ambitions, we may feel as if we are not good enough, or not moving forward, and it blinds us to the things we are picking up and perhaps even prevents us from fully utilising the opportunities we have been afforded. There are likely a lot of positives within whatever you are doing ‘in the meantime’ which you might have been too fretful to notice. You’ll feel more content if you validate what you are doing right now and understand this doesn’t cancel out scope for progression.

Any change in life, positive or negative, comes with its adjustment period and you should allow yourself this when leaving education and/or embarking upon a career. We’re not machines and the experience is long and often unrewarding, so look after yourself! Take a break as and when you need -- this may seem frightening if you are hyper aware of time passing, but a week or two mean nothing in the long-term. It feels dismissive when you are in the midst of uncertainty for someone to say that things will work out, but having been through it and come out the other side I believe it when I say: sometimes it’s just a waiting game so hang in there -- things will work out.

I’m Charlotte and I love to write and read in my spare time - preferably combining the two by writing about books I’ve read! I have a growing interest in work culture and a motivation to cover the transition from education to employment. I blog at Musings of My Choosing and I run The Who Knew Hub on Instagram.

15

WE DON’T HAVE TIME

FOR MUM GUILT

Kim Graves poignantly discusses ‘mum guilt’ and the impossible decisions modern women find themselves confronted with when they have children.

F

rom an early age, society imprints a set of rules that girls and women should follow. It has expectations of who a woman should be and how they should behave. How often do we hear “that’s not very lady-like”, or “men don’t like women who… [any number of things that people are perfectly allowed to do]”? Throughout our lives, women are faced with judgements; from how they choose to dress, to how they spend their free time. Once a woman reaches child-bearing age, the appraising intensifies. What is deemed a “child-bearing age” differs from person to person, and every woman has a different criterion for when they are “ready” to have children. And motherhood is the biggest arena of scrutiny. Every woman who walks in, is unequipped for the battle they are about to face. There’s a multimillion-pound market that every expectant parent will pour their hard-earned money into, buying every book and gadget they can to arm themselves. But the biggest opponent isn’t the screaming infant, it’s the army of critics that you didn’t even know you had .

It’s an uncomfortable truth that those child-bearing years coincide with our working lives. Our prime for childbearing is also the prime in which we have the most freedom to relocate for better opportunities, to change careers, to start businesses. It was once commonplace for a child to spend the working week with their grandparents, allowing mum to return to work safe in the knowledge that their precious offspring is with people that love them. But now, many people move away from their hometowns and fam-

16

ily for work and no longer have the traditional support systems available to provide childcare. This means that every mother is faced with the classic dilemma of whether to return to work, or to stay home. Such a decision is fraught with a myriad of different pushes and pulls, most of which seem like a trap. Many women don’t have a choice, and must return to work to earn money. Gone are the days a family could survive on one salary.

Just this morning, I saw a Facebook post from another mum in a parenting group, lamenting how to make this decision. She loved her job, but after childcare costs, she’d be working for £1 a day. All that stress and anxiety, the guilt of putting her two children in nursery, she wouldn’t even make enough to buy a coffee at the end of the day. The comments were divided.

Some applauded her for wanting to maintain a career, pointing out that you have to stay in the game to have any chance of competing for pay rises or better opportunities. All of which are true. The other half, however, derided the poor woman for daring to suggest that being a stay at home mum wasn’t a worthwhile job, it was outrageous for this woman to leave her children with strangers and she’d regret not spending more time with her children once they were grown.

And there’s our problem; those are equally valid arguments. There isn’t anything wrong with staying home with the children. Just as you think you’ve figured it out, there’s a new twist you weren’t expecting and have no idea how to deal with. Spending day after day trying to rise to this challenge is exhausting, having little or no adult interaction, fighting the losing battle that is keeping the house

clean and everyone happy. Staying at home is not the easy option.

Either choice has its detractors. “You only work part time”. The “only” negates all the hours we put in, often expected to do as much in three days as others do in five. And other mums will say “you’re not a full-time mum”, as if a working mother’s opinion and experiences mean less. Three out of five “working mothers” work part time, and five out of five working mothers will face the daily struggle to keep the kids happy, the house running and do their job to the best of their abilities.

Working mothers have to prove to the world and to themselves that they are capable of it all - they have to show themselves to excel at work to justify leaving their children, but also be incredible parents to demonstrate that their children aren’t lacking anything by being in childcare. And similarly, stay at home mums have the burden of validating what they do all day, and that they still have value outside of an office.

You feel bad when they turn down your lovingly cooked dinner but also feel bad when you

don’t waste your time and just hand over a bowl of spaghetti hoops The guilt isn’t just around work. It’s around every choice a mother makes. Do you use reusable nappies?

What is more important to you, the environment or spending time playing and teaching your children rather than doing extra laundry. Everything from what you name your child to how they dress them is under scrutiny.

How much screen time do they get?

Are you giving them enough outdoor time? They need lots of time and attention, but they also need to learn to play independently but when does independent play become neglect and not caring enough? Do you buy the latest gadget, did you spend enough money, are you being gullible and falling for any trick to help you cope? Mealtimes are guilt central.

Do you breastfeed or use formula?

Then once they’re weaned you want them to have a healthy, balanced meal but they only want to eat fish fingers. You feel bad when they turn down your lovingly cooked dinner but also feel bad when you don’t waste your time and just hand over a bowl of spaghetti hoops. There’s an army of parents who only want to feed their family organic food and another army who believe that everyone deserves a treat, especially grandma who deems you a spoilsport for suggesting their beloved grandbaby doesn’t have a third custard cream before lunch.

Every milestone should come with an advisory warning, “risk of peril”. Every child is on their own schedule, but it’s hard to know if they are just running a little late or if there’s a serious problem that needs addressing. You don’t want to be the overprotective mum at the doctors yet again when it’s obviously “just a cold”, and sometimes it’s scary to ask other mums for their experience for fear of being ridiculed.

Crawling, walking, talking, or the mother lode - sleeping through the night. Sleeping is the Rumble in the Jungle of childrearing. Woe betide any parent who boasts their baby is sleeping through the night to a parent who hasn’t had a decent sleep since pre-pregnancy. Judgement befalls any parent who co-sleeps, but also anyone who has a baby in their room, any parent who sleep trains and any who does not. A child who doesn’t sleep shows their parents weren’t strict enough with a bedtime routine, but a child who does has parents who put their own needs before their child’s need for attention and love.

Potty training needs to come naturally and on time, but you need to encourage and support them without being pushy and risking traumatising them forever, but also don’t be so relaxed that they end up in nappies when they go to school, but also don’t rush them some kids just take more time, but also, but also, but also.

Society has created thin margins for women to stay in, and any deviation is met with scorn and exclusion Women are trained from birth to take on the emotional care of everyone around them. Empathy is encouraged and responsibility enforced.

We are taught to wear conservative clothing so as not to provoke men who might assault us, but we are encouraged to dress sexy for fear of being deemed dowdy and unattractive.

We are taught that we need to look after ourselves and look good, but not too good because that makes us vain and high maintenance. Society

has created thin margins for women to stay in, and any deviation is met with scorn and exclusion. Is it any wonder that women feel guilty all the damn time? Of course not, we have to question every move and decision we make for fear of backlash. It’s not our fault- it’s self-preservation. 21 percent of mothers say they feel guilty all the time, and 68 percent say they feel guilty at least once a day. A 2019 study by Sport England found that 64 percent of mums felt that “exercising made them worry they were neglecting their responsibilities”. That’s more than half of all mums believe that prioritising their health, their mental wellbeing, and sometimes just their own happiness, will be judged negatively by others.

The answer? Ignoring the critics is easier said than done, especially when they come at you from all angles. The first step needs to be retraining ourselves to be kinder to other women.

The fight to be a good mother often appears to need us to tear others down to lift ourselves above them.

That needs to stop. We need women to support each other. Check in on your co-worker when she comes back to the office. Offer to babysit for an hour so your friend can get her hair done. Pop in for a cup of coffee and a chat so she can have a conversation that isn’t about Paw Patrol. Don’t look down on another mother when her toddler is having a tantrum in the supermarket or her teenager is doing worse in school than yours. Be kinder to yourself. Learn to be okay with taking time for yourself, for slipping up, and for not being perfect. Go for that run, get your nails done, serve spaghetti hoops once in a while.

Kim Graves is a Nutrition Advisor, writer, and editor. Having spent a decade working in publishing, Kim is using those skills to share her love of food and wellness. Kim is also a keen triathlete and weightlifter and wannabe yogi, constantly finding new physical activities to try. You can follow her personal attempts to mother a crazy toddler and adorable kitten and sometimes read a book or two on Instagram at @kim_grs, or find some recipe inspiration and ask nutrition questions over at @thefitchen.

17

WE NEED ABOUT MEN

Jen highlights the importance of open co need for greater understanding of and compa

A

n estimated 1 in 4 people will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime but, despite its common occurrence, we are not having enough conversations about it. A shadowy stigma has led to far too many of us ‘umming’ and ‘ahhing’ about the topic or, worse, staying silent. But why are we so scared to talk?

Staying quiet is perhaps rooted in a general lack of understanding about mental health. Despite ever-growing research, there is a societal trend that you only know about mental illness if it happens to you. If mental illness doesn’t affect you, why talk? Why learn? Why care? Well, mental illness actually affects us all in some way. If you are not the 1 in 4 who suffer from it, chances are you know someone who has. It is perhaps, therefore, our duty to improve our understanding so we can talk about mental illness and support those with it, rather than be content in our misunderstanding.

But what misunderstandings do we actually have about mental health?

18

One of the most common myths surrounding mental illness is that it is a self-inflicted phenomenon. Too often, when we hear of a diagnosis, we falsely believe it is a choice to get sick. Because of this, it is a common occurrence to blame rather than support. Science has highlighted that there are a range of possible contributing factors as to why someone may suffer from a mental illness. Genetics.

Trauma. Chance. These are just a few.

Yet frequently these factors are cast aside, instead believing it is an intrinsic issue with the person – it’s ultimately their fault. They’ve become ‘too sensitive’, ‘too dramatic’, ‘too emotional’.

When it comes down to it, we assume mental health is something people can control. But this logic isn’t applied to any other part of our body when it falls ill, so why do we blame the brain?

We don’t question whether someone has created their own lung or kidney condition, so why is the brain any different?

a double standard exists with mental illness. We let too many people just walk with it, so to speak, because we feel too awkward to have these important conversations

D TO TALK NTAL HEALTH

onversations about mental health and the assion towards those facing these struggles.

The invalidation of mental illness, due to a general struggle to comprehend it and our interrogations as to whether it is ‘real’, has created further stigma about reaching out for help – something else that is still taboo The invalidation of mental illness, due to a general struggle to comprehend it and our interrogations as to whether it is ‘real’, has created further stigma about reaching out for help – something else that is still taboo. If someone had a broken leg, the first advice wouldn’t be to just walk with it; this would only cause more pain. Yet a double standard exists with mental illness. We let too many people just walk with it, so to speak, because we feel too awkward to have these important conversations. Mental health is so stigmatised that we don’t want to admit it exists at all. In fairness, mental health conversations have gradually been increasing - mindfulness apps have become popularised, as have campaigns for how a healthy diet can help a healthy mind. However, these lifestyle tips are typically where comfortableness ends and the conversa-

tions shut down. If someone doesn’t get better with these life hacks, we don’t know what to say. We either resort to suggesting they should ‘perk up’ and ‘get over it’, or we say nothing. Professional treatment, through forms such as medications or therapy, is still taboo despite their great value in helping people recover. Mental illness is not a life sentence and there are medical resources to get better.

But if our conversations are limited to how good journaling is or the greatness of yoga and not about how it is okay to seek a diagnosis and a medical plan, we are not helping people get better.

However mental illness can sometimes be so debilitating that you can’t even get out of bed in the morning, let alone out the door and discovering what resources are available to you. Therefore, normalising conversations helps people learn that there is hope and a way to be okay again.

So, let’s talk about mental health. It’s embarrassing not to.

Jen is an English student who grew up in North Yorkshire. Aside from writing, she likes fashion, baking and watching cheesy movies, especially ones with a great soundtrack.

Mental illness is scary. Therefore, it is understandable to be scared to talk about it. But this scariness also means we need to talk more about it. When we don’t talk, people don’t know that it is okay not to be okay. They lose a resource to confide in and an aid to seeking help. The mental health resources we have are greatly improving, but these resources are often ones you have to seek out for yourself.

19

Trigger warning: themes of suicide

J

ust over twenty years ago, I was lying in bed in so much physical pain that I begged to be allowed to kill myself. That I didn’t was, in large part, thanks to my love of poetry and my mother.

She would sit by my bedside and say aloud a phrase from Corinthians that reminded me of my childhood: ‘My grace is sufficient for thee; my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ While it is a line from the Bible, I did not think about religion when she repeated those few words. I thought of the beauty of the words, and the message they contained. But in the midst of the severe ‘depressive episode’ that had gripped me in its terrifying embrace, I owed my survival to such poetic mantras.

There was nothing else to which I could turn. My psychiatrist and his drugs hadn’t cured me. My mother and husband were as loving as they could be, but they couldn’t reach me. I had ceased to be aware of them. They had faded in my consciousness to vague presences; our two children had vanished altogether. But the healing words my mother recited were lifelines.

It would have been impossible to learn anything new. I could, though, remember the words my mother softly repeated from my childhood without much effort. It was a different refrain, more positive than my previous chant that I wanted to die. I would recover, and indeed be stronger. There was a point to the suffering.

Sometimes it didn’t help. There were days when I was too weak even to complete the phrase and went back to longing for death. Groans had replaced screams.

But inch by inch, the days when I once again drew comfort from the beauty of those lines from Corinthians outweighed those when all hope was lost. Slowly I returned to poetry from my childhood, among the first being a short verse by Adam Gordon Lindsay:

20

HEALING AND WORDS

Rachel presents a first-person acco role poetry played her recove

“Life is mostly froth and bubble, Two things stand alone Kindness in another’s trouble Courage in your own” Gordon contrasts the insubstantial and temporary froth and bubble – washing-up suds come to mind - and the permanent stone of what matters.

If we can be there for others in need, and find our own courage in adversity, then these in turn can be the foundation stones of a life well lived.

The poet’s wisdom is that there is a key contrast between ‘courage’ and ‘kindness’. Kindness is about our dealings with others; courage is about our dealings with ourselves.

It was a poem which I had recited on the night I fell ill, in May 1997, in my own efforts to find the courage to deal with a new and worrying illness.

At the time I was a reporter in the Times’s newsroom, with two small boys, Edward and George, when depression struck out of the blue. My husband, Sebastian Grigg, worked in financial services.

I considered myself happy and blessed, though I was also anxious and, at times, overwhelmed by the pace of our lives. We were young, hardworking, and prosperous, if permanently

exhausted.

In three days, I went from feeling mildly anxious to being completely unable to function, screaming that I was ‘going to crash’ and gripping my husband and mother for dear life. In the end I was ill for six months, during which time I spent a brief spell in hospital. Throughout this time poetry was my companion in need.

My mother would continue to read the poems aloud as I still couldn’t read. Luckily, her head was richly stocked with beautiful examples to which she introduced me. I also had plenty of my own favourites from long ago. Then I started to be able to recite the poems myself, again and again, the words strong enough to bear the repetition.

They temporarily laid my anxiety to rest by fixing me in the present. It was as if the words had become embodied, almost physical in their power, something to hold onto and rub, like prayer beads for the mind.

As I continued to recover, my mother added more and more healing poems to her repertoire. Favourites include the last lines of Arthur Hugh Clough’s ‘Say Not the Struggle Naught Availeth’, also famously quoted by Winston Churchill in his wartime speeches.

“In front the sun climbs slow; how

G WORDS S TO HEAL

ount of the powerful and unexpected ery from clinical depression.

slowly, But westward, look, the land is bright.”

Of course the healing power of words has a long history, dating back to primitive societies who made use of chants. By the first century AD, the Greek theologian Longinus wrote about how he believed in the powers of language to transform reality, to affect readers in deep and permanent ways, and to help them cope with the vagaries of their existence. Spool forward to the twentieth century and by 1969 the Association of Poetry Therapy was established in the USA. For me, poetry helps by recharging the spent batteries of my own language. Take George Herbert, for example, who in my view almost certainly suffered from depression, though it would have been undiagnosed in the seventeenth-century when he wrote.

His poem ‘Love’ begins: “Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back/

second, more compassionate voice: that of Love, who ‘bids us welcome’.

A powerful poetic line can diminish your loneliness, one of the worst characteristics of clinical depression. This was especially striking when I came across poems written hundreds of years ago, which described a similar blackness to that which I was experiencing.

Then there is the way poetry encourages your mind to focus on the present moment. Depression cripples your sense of time: your involvement in the present is overwhelmed by worries about the future or regrets about the past. But the complexity and subtlety of poetry requires you to concentrate right now.

My own favourite poem, which helps me stay in the moment, is Raymond Carver’s ‘Happiness’. Not only is the subject matter about being in the moment; the very process of reading the poem, and focusing on its meaning keeps us present too. The poem describes the simple joy of a boy and his friend doing their morning paper round in the beauty of the early morning light.

Guilty of dust and sin.”

“Such beauty that for a minute The line ‘Guilty of dust and sin’ describes exactly how I feel when I’m depressed: worthless, hopeless – guilty of ‘dust and sin’. What a perfect capturing! But Herbert quickly gives us a

death and ambition, even love,

Happiness. It comes on unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really, any early morning talk about it.”

Now recovered, poetry has remained a constant friend in need. It is not the only thing that has helped me stay calm and well. I have been helped and written about other approaches too, such as mindfulness and the importance of nutrition - the subject of my book, ‘The Happy Kitchen’. But there will always be a special place for poetry in my heart. Robert Frost, demonstrating my point perfectly, put it far better when he said that a poem can be a ‘momentary stay against confusion.’ That’s what happened all those years ago when my mother sat at my bedside and spoke the words aloud.

Rachel Kelly is a bestselling writer, public speaker and mental health campaigner. She writes regularly for the press and gives TV and radio interviews to help educate and break down the stigma around mental illness in her role as an ambassador for several mental health charities. She also shares evidence-based strategies on how to stay calm and well and is the author of four books covering her experience of depression and recovery and her steps to wellbeing from poetry to nutrition. Rachel speaks at events and wellbeing workshops, sharing her motivational and holistic approach to good mental health. She is an official ambassador for Rethink Mental Illness, HeadTalks, SANE and The Counselling Foundation. Her books include her memoir Black Rainbow about her expression of depression and three subsequent books about her recovery and how to stay calm and well Walking on Sunshine: 52 Small Steps to Happiness;The Happy Kitchen: Good Mood Food; and Singing in the Rain: An inspirational workbook published in January 2019. She is a member of the Speakers Collective, a group of speakers with lived experience of mental health conditions.Keep up to date with Rachel’s work via her website here, or on Twitter here.

doesn’t enter into this.

21

2020: The Collapse of Certainty Jemma Amos poignantly reflects on the unexpected lessons learnt from a year of chaos and uncertainty.

I

t’s a cold December morning and I can finally feel myself sobering up from all the intoxicating late-night fears of 2020. I can’t help but look behind me with relief that this year is coming to a close; strangely peaceful, a little grateful and almost excited.

I don’t think any of us are coming out of this year totally unscathed, and although some are standing taller than others, we’ve all been affected. At the very least we’ve all become better acquainted with uncertainty and we’ve all learned that, after all, there really are some things we can’t control. It’s been a year of introspection, where our desperate need to cling to certainties for assurance let us down.

Where we’ve had to pivot our expectations on a daily basis and realign our future projections to fit reality. A year where we’ve had no choice but to show our cracks.

It’s been a time where we’ve finally stepped off society’s hamster wheel with a newfound willingness to face our discomfort, collectively not knowing what was going to happen next.

And I can safely say that I was introduced to the full nitty gritty spectrummof emotions that was on offer. A year where, whether we were forced to or not, we could really feel it all.

Before this year, I wasn’t aware of how incredibly well programmed I was to believe in society’s definition of success to be validated. Perhaps that’s just the diabolical brilliance of the system we’re in, that we’re climbing something we don’t know we’re climbing. Fuelled with self-doubt, I was so mesmerised by the illusion of safety; so obsessed with my own story and so focused on what everyone else had to say that I couldn’t allow for anything uncertain. I would constantly ask for advice, ask to be pointed in the right direction, outsourcing

22

my sense of self to others perceptions instead of trusting my gut. Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I now claiming to be completely free of these shackles and systems of oppression, but something has changed.

I started to let go of who I thought I was and where I thought I should be going I guess I came to the craziest conclusion (drumroll please): that maybe my mind didn’t always want the best for me. That just maybe, my mind sometimes got it wrong. All the voices talking over each other, all the doubts and contradictions were getting out of control. I decided I didn’t want to spend all my time up there anymore.

The mind is a weird one, because whatever we go through it’ll always be our only witness. Whatever pain, joy or heartache, our mind will be the one there when we wake up. So before assuming we can banish it for good, we should probably accept that it’s not going anywhere. But that doesn’t mean it has all the answers and it certainly doesn’t mean we should always listen to it.

I grew tired of listening to my constant internal dialogue and, instead, decided to be a little more present.

Don’t worry, the words “being more present” used to make me feel somewhat uncomfortable too. For me, being more present isn’t about being more ‘Buddha’; it’s about turning up more frequently, about giving someone 100% of my attention during a conversation, about listening without responding or needing to fix, about listening to how my body feels instead of my mind. Instead of trying to “be in” the present, I became curious about it. I let myself be surprised by it. I noticed an independence from my thoughts or cravings, I didn’t feel as fragile. I was gently moved only by a wider perspective; uncertainty even became slightly comforting. It felt more like possibility instead of the lack of. And most of all, I started to let go of who I thought I was and where I thought I should be going.

So, am I enlightened yet? Doubt it.

Do I still get anxiety? Sometimes.

Do I like uncertainty? Honestly, I think I do.

The biggest thing I’ve taken from this year is that everything is always changing. Just like the world, we are in a constant state of flux and either you move with it, or you resist it. 2020 has been my collapse of all certainty, and for that I’m grateful. It was exhausting trying to keep everything the way my mind expected it to be, so I think I’d rather just stick to today.

Jemma, co-founder of Refresh Magazine, is a London based writer and works in the film industry. Having completed her degree in Philosophy, Jemma has always been a careful thinker intrigued by human experience and how we operate emotionally.

Social Media vs Reality Scarlett Smith explores the pervasive toxic positivity that social media presents in her own life as well as societally.

T

hese days, the vast majority of people have some form of social media. Especially for teenagers and young adults, these online accounts play a huge role in our lives. We maintain friendships and keep in contact with those far away. Platforms such as Instagram and Facebook allow us to share moments in our lives that we’re proud of and document them for the future. But, despite all of the undeniable benefits of sharing our lives online, social media can have a drastic effect on our mental health and the way that we see ourselves.

When I was at my lowest point in life, suicidal and often unable to get out of bed, I used social media to fill my time. I would scroll through Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, torturing myself with the belief that I was useless and there was no point in carrying on, because everyone else was miles ahead of me. In fact, this was not the case, but I didn’t learn that overnight.

It took reaching out to friends and family and talking about how I felt to realise that these perfect smiling faces staring at me through my screen were often just facades.

As someone who struggles with their body image and mental health massively, this issue is something I am acutely aware of, yet it takes continuous effort to remind myself that a lot of what I see online is not reality.

This is not to say that you’re a bad person for posting the best and keeping the rest to yourself. This is what we have all been taught we have to do. We are fed the idea that no one wants to hear about our bad days and we are only worthy if we are perfect. This is seen in different ways for men and women. Men are told to ‘man up’ or ‘get a grip’ from such a young age, leading to them believing they are weak or less masculine if they open up. Women are forcefed contradictions. Be skinny but not too skinny, show your bodies but be respectful, be confident but not too confident.

We are all guilty of sharing only our highlights online, not wanting to show the world our imperfections or our bad days. Of course, maintaining privacy is important and showing the world every chapter of your life and aspect of your day is not necessary. But when we scroll through our newsfeeds and see filtered selfies, edited pictures and exaggerated statements about the amazing lives people seem to be living, we can easily find ourselves believing that we are falling behind.

Comparison is dangerous and unfair to ourselves, it is a habit many of us have to unlearn and train our brains to change. No one’s life is as perfect as it seems on social media and everyone has struggles that others know nothing about. You cannot compare yourself to other people’s highlight reel.

we are fed the idea that no one wants to hear about our bad days

In order to change the toxicity of constant ‘perfection’ online, we have to address these beliefs we have ingrained into ourselves. Men, you don’t have to be constantly strong, you are allowed to show emotions and weakness. You are allowed to talk about the way that you feel. You owe yourselves that.

Women, you don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to your bodies.

You can dress how you want, shave or not shave, wear makeup or no makeup. No one gets to tell you how you should behave and no one is allowed to judge you for existing how you want to.

Every single person on the planet has something they do not like about themselves, if we believed we were perfect then we would have no motivation for improvement or change.

No two human beings are the same and the things we hate about ourselves someone else will love. But you’ll never know that if you constantly hide yourself away.

Embrace your softness, both mental and physical. Learn to love your body by marvelling at all it does for us. We are all imperfect miracles. Imagine what a boring world it would be if we all were the same and showed only the best, most polished parts of our lives.

Social media is a blessing and a curse, we have to change the way that we use it in order to fight the mental health emergency our society is facing. We have to start accepting where we are in life and acknowledging the fact that we are all making it up as we go along. So, post that selfie where you think your teeth look wonky or your arms look chubby. I can guarantee that no one else is thinking those things and is instead noting how beautiful you look when you smile.

Post that picture where your body hair or stomach rolls are showing. Someone else will see your natural body and find the confidence to embrace their own.

Let’s build each other up, compliment each other and most importantly reach out to those you haven’t heard from in a while. Check in on your loved ones and speak up if you are struggling.

Oh and post that picture without the filter: you look beautiful as you are.

Scarlett Smith is a 20 year old female from Cornwall. She is passionate about helping those like herself with mental health problems. She uses her social media accounts to raise awareness on issues she cares about, such as mental health, feminism and climate change. When she is not working she enjoys playing video games, reading and watching anything horror and cuddling her cat. You can find her on instagram @scarlettsmith_ .

23

COLU

UMNS PHOTO BY BAILEE

TASHA TALKS ‘Tasha Talks’ is a column written by our very own Associate Editor, Natasha Walker.

Each edition tackles a topical issue, relatable for many and thoughtprovoking for all. It is our overriding aim, through this column, to bring to the table subjects which affect our day-to-day lives, yet often remain undiscussed.

26

FINDING PASSION OUTSIDE THE 9 TO 5 I feel I must start this piece by acknowledging that I write from a place of privilege, a place that I understand many people do not have the luxury of experiencing. I hope that, regardless of where you or I start in life, the unequal opportunities and unfair advantages afforded to some and not others, that the sentiment intended here finds its way to the surface and resonates with you. That wherever possible in life, pursue with unwavering conviction what you love and protect it at all costs.

I

was extremely fortunate growing up; I went to great schools, had the most incredible family and friends and lived a very content life. My parents grew up in perhaps less privileged circumstances and so, although we never wanted for anything, my brother and I were raised knowing the value of everything we were given. From a young age I was always eager to please. My mom recalls my reception teacher telling her that, “Natasha would be devastated if she thought she’d done something wrong, she’d walk off a cliff if she thought that’s what was expected of her”. That mentality, that absolute need to live up to perfectionist expectations, has undoubtedly stayed with me my entire life and has driven some of the most influential decisions I have made over the years. But what happens when those expectations become all we are? When we stop caring about what makes us happy and instead focus on the things that will provide wealth, stability and success? And, above all, what happens if the facade of what we’ve been made to feel we want from life comes crashing down around us?

We start experiencing expectation at such a young age. Education has become almost machine-like in the way

in which it dictates student’s paths. If you score between X and Y you’re in one set, A and B another. Lower sets take vocational courses, whilst higher take subjects considered more ‘academic’. If you choose traditional study you are graded primarily through examinations, whereas industry-based qualifications will be assessed through practical application. At no point is any of this catered to the child. At no point is the child afforded an opportunity to input their thoughts and opinions. Reflecting on my own experience, there is a huge part of me which questions ‘what if?’. What if I hadn’t been deemed in higher sets?

What if I hadn’t had drilled into me that University was the only route for me? What if I’d have explored career options other than medicine, law and finance? Because, let’s face it, if the algorithm deems you to be a ‘bright’ student, this is the indoctrination you face. Worse still is the flip side to that.

Some of the sharpest minds I know were not in the top sets at GCSE, they didn’t take A-levels, they didn’t sit exams and they didn’t go to University. Yet would they have made fantastic lawyers, bankers or doctors if the way in which these subjects were accessed, taught and assessed were to enable all types of people to enter such careers? I have no doubt they would.

I fell into the trap that I feel confident in saying a lot of young

people in our education system do: you believe the machine when it tells you what is best for you I fell into the trap that I feel confident in saying a lot of young people in our education system do: you believe the machine when it tells you what is best for you. I grew up making sure I did everything possible to secure my life as a ‘high-flying lawyer’. I played an instrument, captained a team, sat on national boards, the social committee, the charity committee, mentored students, became a prefect, Deputy Head Girl, coached children’s sport and had a job. I’d love to say, looking back, that I undertook each of those hobbies, those roles, because I enjoyed or had a passion for them. But the truth is, they were a means to an end. They were all to ensure that I was the ‘perfect’, ‘well-rounded’ University applicant I’d always been expected to be. What’s more, it worked and, in doing so, I continued on the path the machine had laid out for me.

For the first year of my Law degree I really tried to convince myself that I was on the path I’d always wanted to be on. That I was so close to reaching my goal of becoming a barrister. Then one day I suddenly just stopped believing the lies I was telling myself. I remember thinking that for the first time

27

I had no clue what on earth I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be and what my plan for the future was.

Again retrospectively, it wasn’t the first time for any of those questions, not really. In actual fact I’d never known the answers, as I’d never needed to: it was all pre-determined for me. In many ways it’s far easier to take the path others tread for you, to do what they expect and arguably what you have come to expect of yourself. It was terrifying to me that the girl who had her life planned out from such a young age now had no plans at all.

So I did what every graduate who has no idea what’s next for them does: I went travelling to ‘find myself’. I loved it, of course, but did I know any more about myself when I returned? I don’t think so. Almost immediately I was recruited by Amazon. At the time I remember, true to form, assessing whether or not the job was right for me on a number of factors, primarily the pay, the future prospects and the notoriety of the company name.

At not one point did I question whether I would enjoy the role. Whether it would give me satisfaction. Even whether I would be good at it. Three years in, surely enough, I realised the answers to the questions I should have asked myself were probably ‘no’. I loved a lot about my time at Amazon; the people are truly inspirational, the culture is fantastic and the company as a whole really is groundbreaking.

I learnt a lot there, but above all I learnt that it wasn’t the place for me, not then at least and not in the role I was in. So there I was again, spending my life doing something because that’s what I thought I should do, what I thought would live up to what others around me would expect of me. As I did with Law, I eventually reached the conclusion I needed to branch out and try other things, at least for a while. Before I’d really started looking into moving on, I was approached to discuss a role at a startup - an entirely different arena where I could may-

28

be make the difference I felt I wasn’t making in one of the world’s largest companies.

I think it became apparent to me quite early on, reflecting back, that the picture I’d been painting of the company, the role and the prospects may not have been entirely accurate. I also think that perhaps that is to be expected with startups and having no experience of this, I was naive to that fact. Did I leave when I wasn’t enjoying it? Of course not, I couldn’t dream of admitting to others that I’d been wrong again, that this wasn’t what I wanted either. So I did what I had once more convinced myself others would expect of me: I stuck at it, working every hour I could in a job that made me feel unhappy and unfulfilled, in an environment where I felt continuously unappreciated and undervalued. What’s more, I’d probably still be there, in that cycle of giving something my all and receiving nothing but a pay check in return…but COVID-19 came along, and I didn’t ever think I’d say this, but it saved me.

In April I was let go, very suddenly and in a somewhat unorthodox manner. In those first few weeks, I really did feel broken. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t see how anything was ever going to be ok again. I truly was the lowest I’ve ever been and I even scared myself at how fragile I was.

As a perfectionist, it was my greatest fear that came to fruition: that they didn’t deem me good enough, especially after giving them my heart and soul. It knocked me for six and I think I’m likely still processing that. Again, I am privileged to have the most wonderful support network, who saw me through that dark patch and, after a month or so, I began to see the light again.

At first it was all I could do to trawl through job websites, trying to find the perfect role: the safety of a big name, a decent salary, in London, good progression prospects. But the

funny thing about a pandemic is, the job market becomes quite erratic who’d have thought, ey? The more I searched, the less I found and the more my anxiety rose. After about a month of entirely fruitless searching, I spoke to arguably my most candid friends. They’re the people you need to take with you to pick out your wedding dress; they love you enough to be brutally honest with you and say the things you don’t want to hear, but you absolutely need to. We had several conversations where we’d cover the same ground. What do you want to do? What are you passionate about? What would you enjoy? I’d go round in circles about various career paths that interested me, none of which they believed. Not for a single second. Eventually I realised the truth was that I didn’t know the answer to those questions and that daunting fact terrified me once more. I was twenty-seven and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I felt exactly the same anxiety as I did when I realised I didn’t want to be a lawyer seven years prior. They gave me the best advice there and then and I’m so grateful to them for that: I needed to take some time to just do nothing, to figure out what it is I love and enjoy and to make a plan from there.

we’re pushed in a direction from such an early age and, before we realise, we’re spending a third of our

lives doing something we have absolutely no interest in or aptitude for I gave myself a month to ‘relax’, which doesn’t come particularly naturally to me (I am terrible person to watch a film with). I truly believe that being able to relax and switch off is a skill that any successful worker needs to master and I’m thankful I’ve now had the time start that process (with great thanks to Netflix, Sky and Amazon). So, after a glorious May of sunshine, reading and TV, I set to work on the task of a lifetime: figuring out what I would enjoy doing and be successful at. I mean, I love lots of things, but making a career out of most of them was going to be a challenge (apparently there are very few positions for ‘professional online shopper’). And then, as if from nowhere, I thought about writing. I had always loved English at school and anyone who knows me will testify that I’m a big fan of the spoken word (mainly my own and yes, even when it’s not requested or desired). I had talked about writing a book for years, I’d even started to plan it whist travelling but, as often happens, life somehow took over. The last thing I felt like doing when I’d worked a 12 hour day was to sit down and write; mainly I wanted to eat, shower and sleep. And therein lies the core issue within this subject, the problem I fear so many young adults are facing in the twenty-first century: we’re pushed in a direction from such an early age and, before

we realise, we’re spending a third of our lives doing something we have absolutely no interest in or aptitude for (and considering another third is spent sleeping, that leaves very little time for ‘life’ itself). We can’t go back and undo the formalised education we received, the advice we took or the pressures we felt, but we can all take steps, however small, to ensure we reclaim at least a small portion of our lives to spend enjoying the things we love.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am in such a fortunate position to have been able to take time out of my career to rethink my options. I’m incredibly lucky to have a family home I can stay in, parents who can support me and savings I can rely on.

I don’t have the worries of a mortgage, bills or children. It’s therefore incredibly easy for me to sit here and tell you to give up your day job, take a break, follow your dreams…but in truth, I’d imagine vey few people have that luxury. If you feel how I felt and can do what I did, then I would urge you to consider it. There are no guarantees in life, especially in these confusing times, but sometimes taking a risk is the only way to reap a reward.

Perhaps that seems like a big step, a risk you’re not quite able to take at the moment. Then let your passion be a part of your life in the one-third of your time that isn’t work or sleep. If you need to re-train, take night classes. If you need to practice, wake up a little earlier on a Sunday. If you need experience, swap drinks after work for a volunteer opportunity. Sometimes pursuing something you love takes a little sacrifice at first and, if you find you’re not willing to do that, perhaps that isn’t your true passion. And for those truly special people who can’t follow their dreams because they’re too busy providing for those around them, working every hour possible and caring for others when they aren’t…fit your passion in where you can. Even if it’s simply reading for 15 minutes on

the bus ride to work or practising for 5 minutes before bed.

As well as this, and my last piece of advice on this topic I promise: please, for the love of God, stop caring what ‘others’ expect. Easier said than done, of course, it’s certainly something I’m still battling with. As I was re-reading this back to myself I realised I referred to ‘them’ quite frequently, the ‘others’ who impose their expectations on us. Yet, if you asked me who I meant by that phrase I really would struggle to tell you. It certainly isn’t my family; I could have followed any career path and as long as I was happy my parent’s would have been proud. Was it my old school friends? My teachers?

Maybe partners or current friends? I thought about each in turn and, after some consideration, I realised that the only person who realistically had an expectation of me…was myself. It’s rather narcissistic to think that people spend even a moment of their time concerned with my career success, if anything they care for my happiness, as I do theirs.

Shakespeare wrote, ‘Expectation is the root of all heartache’ and to a large extent I find that to be true.

We are growing up in a world where everyone can publicly portray their life to be something far from what it is, perfection in a photo. We have become a generation that compares themselves to each other via what they appear to have and how happy they appear to be. From this we create expectations of ourselves to match what we are seeing before us, to match what is actually often a total facade, a work of pure fiction. Stop with the expectations and start with the dreams, who knows where they’ll take you.

Join in the conversation and let us know your thoughts on the issues raised. Better yet, have an idea of what you’d like to hear about next?

Let Tasha know via her column on our website!

29

ok to my bo e m o lc e W ok!

By The Bo -lit column, lish – an Eng y it c li e F d I’m -chartere grad-cum t who’s n accounta g for an okin always lo ad ry my he u b to e s excu seless . Other u k o o b ; a in bout me a n o ti a te inform small, ha ly d ir e w I’m s and my mangoe is bsession current o m ra n Instag renovatio pages.

k o o B e h T y B

30

W

ith calls to defund and dismantle the police across the globe this year, my Instagram feed has been flooded with posts dedicated to this month’s non-fiction piece Are Prisons Obsolete? by the insanely inspiring Angela Davis. Davis’ examination of the US’ Prison Industrial Complex as the successor of slavery presents substantial evidence of a lucrative, ineffective system that relies on racial segregation, gender discrimination and fearmongering. The sheer amount covered in 115 pages is mind-blowing, from the symbiosis of prisons and the military, an inspection of the psychological impact of solitary confinement, and the pursuit of profit driving rapid prison construction. Davis has successfully curated a necessary, accessible, easily digestible argument that it’s impossible not to get on board with. Whilst reform and abolition still seem revolutionary to many, Davis reminds us that, once upon a time, slavery too was considered to be “as everlasting as the sun”.

This month’s fiction recommendation is Girl by Edna O’Brien. I grabbed a free copy from my local phone box library; a timely find in a month where Nigerian politics has taken centre stage for its #EndSARS movement and the tragic murder of innocent protestors. Girl’s protagonist, Maryam, is one of the 276 schoolgirls stolen

by Boko Haram in Chibok, Nigeria, in 2014. The narrative is a brutal, firsthand exploration of suffering, survival, and forgiveness. Judging by the acknowledgement section, O’Brien has certainly done the necessary due diligence but her use of first person narrative was a point of contention for me given she shares neither race, nationality nor age with the narrator.

Zadie Smith’s recent essay in The New York Review however, dismissed this “stay in your lane” rhetoric. Having

read Isha Sesay’s Beneath the Tamarind Tree and seeing the contrasting dramatization of African conservatism (O’Brien) vs familial joy (Sesay) upon the girls’ return, it’s hard to know whether Girl is an unfair or a realistic portrayal. O’Brien’s harrowing representation is a stark reminder that misogyny, patriarchy, and theocracy are universal forces working against women. Until the day we can laud a personal account from one of the Chibok girls themselves, I’d say Girl is a pretty insightful surrogate.

of colour on this year’s shortlist. The Booker Prize’s history is not free from controversy; its primary sponsor pulled £1.6m of funding in 2019 in favour of more diverse & inclusive pursuits and lest we forget the uproar last year when Bernadine Evaristo, the first Black woman to win the prize, had to share it. So it’s great to see Booker take the criticism on board and make strides to disseminate underrepresented voices. Watch this space as I work my way through the remaining novels shortlisted.

it’s great to see booker take the criticism on board and make strides to disseminate underrepresented voices

I received a Daunt Books subscription for my birthday this year; they’ll be sending me a book each month and I eagerly await my first delivery. Given I have a list of at least 100 books to read and never know where to start, I’m looking forward to the power being taken out of my hands and perhaps being introduced to a whole new genre. I’ll keep you posted on any gems! In the meantime, follow @ cafeconlibros_bk for independent/indie recommendations from a Afro-latinx owned bookstore in Brooklyn.

With the impending announcement of this year’s Booker Prize winner, I’m ashamed to say that I’ve only managed to read one of this year’s shortlist so far, Avni Doshi’s ‘Burnt Sugar’ (which I’d highly recommend). I was delighted to see a recurring theme of marginalised demographic perspective in all six novels and three women

Other books I’ve read this month: 10 Minutes and 38 Seconds in this World – Elif Shafak (5*) Burnt Sugar – Avni Doshi (4*) The Women of Brewster Place – Gloria Naylor (2*) The Fire Next Time – James Baldwin (5*)

If you’d like to get in touch to recommend reading or request a review, I’d love to hear from you! Do get in touch via my column’s homepage on our website!

31

HEY I’M GRANT, THE AGONY AUNT… HOW CAN I HELP?

Agony Aunt, Agony Grant… you get it right? Turns out for the past decade, I’ve been the guy all my friends look towards for advice. As it happens, I secretly quite like helping people, and my friends don’t think I’m that bad at it. So, here I am opening my services up to well, everyone.

Got a Boy/Girl/NB problem? I’m here for you. Difficult family stuff? I got you.

Just wanna scream into the void to make yourself feel better? I see you. Now, I know I might not look like the kinda guy you’d stereotypically ask advice from, but I’ve dated enough men to rival Samantha, watched family members die in my arms and experienced a fair few odd scenarios.

I’ve probably been there, if I haven’t, I’ll find someone who has to assist you. So, go on. What’s there to lose? Send me a message now at refresh.agonygrant@gmail. com to be featured in our next edition.

32

Dear Grant: I’m a musician and this year has made me question all of my life choices. i don’t see a point in continuing. Should i change everything?

Grant replies: Well, I think what is key for you to ask yourself here is were you having these thoughts before the year the world turned upside down?

If the answer is yes, then sure thing!

Now is a perfect time to be exploring other options. Explore the things that make you happy alongside music and figure out what is right for you.

You can enter 2021 with a plan and newfound vigour.

However if, as I suspect, you were not having these thoughts prior to the pandemic.

experienced a pandemic like this before (unless you lived through the Spanish Flu of 1918) and despite the recent years being full of unexpected news stories, we didn’t expect this.

So we can tick this off the list Something that threatens your feeling of self.

Your career, especially when it is a vocation like music, is a large part of defining who you are. Having the opportunities around that part of you ripped away this year will obviously threaten your image of yourself.

Feeling you have little control over a situation.

I think we can just say yes to this one for ya know, plague.

My answer is no.

Unequivocally and indisputably no.

You have spent your life training and learning, from childhood lessons to formalised adult education. If you weren’t convinced that this was your path you would have done what all children do and abandon their hobbies and forced parental participation during those fun teenage years.

It seems like your situation ticks a lot of the stress boxes.

Now usually stress can be beneficial, releasing hormones causing the body to enter fight or flight mode, which can help us achieve tight deadlines or get through an interview. However these are short lived and the body can return to its normal state.

I have a mantra I have annoyed my friends with for years now, which may be appropriate.

“Be less Bucket, Be more Net.” Which on the face of it, is a pretty meaningless statement.

But if you consider the situation as water flowing you can be a bucket and collect it all till it overwhelms you or be a net and let the bad flow through knowing it will pass.

Another benefit of being a net is you can grab hold of all the good gems that pass through with the terrible.

Spending more time with friends and family (even if this is potentially virtual), utilising the free time to explore hobbies or learning new skills.

Now this mantra won’t help you get rid of the stress caused by this year, for that there are tonnes of resources out there (https://www.mentalhealth. org.uk/a-to-z/s/stress) and to seek professional help if you feel truly overwhelmed.

This is not one of those times.

We must all consider what this year has done to us, we are stressed. What causes stress is different from person to person, but according to mentalhealth.org.uk some common factors which induce stress are: Experiencing something new or unexpected.

Something that threatens your feeling of self.

Feeling you have little control over a situation.

So let’s explore which of these you may be feeling right now.

Experiencing something new or unexpected.

Well I don’t think many of us have

Over a long period of time this stress response can be built up leading to a host of behavioural changes, including but not restricted to indecision.

You’re potentially not in the right space to be making such major life decisions.

We also have to remember that this situation is temporary, it may not feel it when we are in it, but it will come to an end. We already have incredible news about a vaccine!

When in the dark depths of the situation it is hard to be able to see the end of the tunnel.

The only thing I want you to take from this is to understand why you may be questioning your life choices and that this questioning is normal under such strange conditions.

But do not throw away a lifetime of passion for what is essentially just a shitty year and yes it is a very shitty year.

Things will turn back to normal and you will be doing music once again, then we can forget all about this temporary blip.

Stay strong, let this wave flow through you, be a net.

33

ARTW

ARTW

ARTWORK BY EMILY SHIH

WORK

WORK

ISOLATION

SELFIE

SERIES

by Ella Devi Dabysing ABOUT THE WORK Ella’s work takes a new direction in her ‘Isolation Selfie Series’, she looks at creating self portraits digitally during this lockdown period and has created 20+ self portraits.

Through conversations with friends and family over social media and on the telephone, she has worked with her work’s subjects to create beautifully sound spaces that are far away from lockdown restraints. By using colour and pattern she brings to life each individual, highlighting their likes and likenesses.

During lockdown I decided to delve into a new kind of venture and draw friends and family in isolation, I would ask them to send me a selfie of them at home, along with their favourite flowers, plants, colours and patterns etc... I would then create a self portrait that brought their lonely selfie to life, giving this a sense of freedom through the exaggerated use of colour and form. I don’t normally do self portraits like this, but I wanted to create works that allowed me to have a conversation with the subject and let them know I was thinking of them. I created these self portraits digitally on my iPad and have let each subject keep it for their own use, an ode to this isolation. So far, I have created 20+ self portraits and am still going until lockdown is lifted. It is important to me that I continue to create these works at a time where everything feels so uncertain, I have control over this as do my subjects / friends.

ABOUT THE ARTIST Ella Devi Dabysing, is an abstract practitioner from South London of Indian-Mauritian and English descent. Her current practice looks into portraying women in an abstract, natural and contemporary light. By, reverting away from preconceived conceptions that we have been led to believe throughout art history; her work takes a sincere and revised approach to capturing what is real and what is not.

Find her full series of work on our website.

36

3

4

CLASSICS MEETS COLLAGE:

THE NEW REALITIES OF KITTY LINTIN

ABOUT THE WORK These works of popular imagery, out of their original context, reassemble in a collage style to be experienced as a new scene of a new reality. My process begins with image sampling, collecting groups of images that link together through their energy, colours or harmonious shapes. I translate the collage using oil paint to give me freedom to further merge the images together as though the scene has always existed as one. My interest in psychology and the experience of multiple emotional states comes through in my work, each new scene pauses and suspends emotional flux, inviting the viewer to question the emotions of the characters they see as well as their own internal relation to the image, this confrontation is the aim of my creative process.

ABOUT THE ARTIST: KITTY LINTIN Kitty Lintin is an oil painter based in South London. Since the completion of my Fine Art degree my practise has evolved to combine collage and oil painting.

These mediums allow me to explore surrealism, psychology and the experience of emotional flux. My work focuses on the process of translation, initially creating a collage that takes popular imagery out of its original context and creates a surreal scene. This scene becomes a new reality that I translate using oil paint to pause and suspend states of emotional flux, inviting the viewer to question the emotions of the characters as well as their own internal relation to the image. This confrontation is the aim of my creative process. The shift from consuming popular imagery from a screen or via 2D printed media, to viewing oil paintings, becomes more of a therapeutic process and gives a sense of longevity in a digital world, where media consumption is so rapid

41

‘Grandad’s Trainers’ This painting challenges the idea of displacement, judgement and living up to expectation. The central characters’ face is replaced by a facade, expressing little emotion whilst the surrounding characters cast over their critical gaze. The scene mixes contemporary objects with classical historical interiors, linking back to the title and the idea of the inherited expectation that we carry with us.

42

‘Spin me round, I’ll scream’ This painting is a representation of female liberation, uniting vivid colours with heightened expressions to stimulate emotional responses to freedom. Although the narrative remains abstract, this allows for multiple interpretations to further emphasise the vast range of female oppression that is battled everyday in our world.

44

‘Change in the Tide’ This piece is ultimately an exploration of the natural world colliding with the human. The aesthetic of this painting is sensual, physical and organic where the nude form contrasts with a mountain or block of flats. The reference to ‘The Great Wave’ further emphasises the strength and power of nature over the fragility of mankind.

46

UNCOMM RELATIO

UNCOMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

ARTWORK BY DANIEL JARRETT A.K.A. DANS010

ARTWORK BY DANIEL JA

3

MITTED ONSHIPS

ARRETT A.K.A. DANS01O

4

ABOUT THE WORK The purpose of these illustrations is to convey the power of both emotional and physical absence in relationships. How one’s presence is vital to another, and what it symbolises to be void in those moments. To only exist, without ever getting to really feel, is no way to live.

The line work is an intrinsic part of the piece. I feel like to be open and seen is to be vulnerable, so I wanted to make the visible person complicatedly beautiful in such a tangled way. Contrastingly, the male counterpart is simply blocked out, showing not just the void but how easy it is to not commit. These two opposing drawing styles hopefully convey how it’s simpler to just not take that risk and how complicated and daunting it is to do the opposite.

I went through a string of relationships where commitment was hard for me. Looking back over this it taught me a lot about the importance of putting in as much effort as your counterpart, or even just communicating when you’re not able to do so. It is utterly unfair to exist in a relationship where you are not truly involved, all whilst your counterpart has no idea of this.

The reception and relation of my audience to this artwork has been amazing to me. There are almost two equally divided camps; those who relate to the void side, and those who relate to the other. They share with me how it makes them feel and how they’ve been affected either to not be able to give someone what they want, or the pain of not receiving this. The society we live in and the amount of options we have at the touch of a button only exacerbates these kind of scenarios, but I hope this piece either gives people some kind of comfort or gives them some food for thought about their own life experiences.

ABOUT THE ARTIST I’m a London based illustrative artist. I have been making art professionally for the past 12 years but really, I think my life as an artist started on the playground. I’d exchange drawings for sweets, pennies and Pokémon cards, and give sketches to girls on the playground to show not only my interest in her, but also my uncanny talent at drawing Sonic the Hedgehog.

I’ve worked in the artistic field in a range of positions but my priority is not just making a livelihood, but expressing who and what I am. All my art revolves around my inner feelings and I am constantly trying to explore themes and styles that exhibit my deepest emotions. My work is a combination of both physical and digital creations. A big part of my process is drawing everything I do on paper first and then scanning the artwork in and working over it. It sometimes feels like a contradiction to make digital art feel as handmade as possible, but I really enjoy this process.

50

‘EMPTY’

‘NOT HERE’

‘New Me’

54

‘Same Mistakes’

55

BLACK LIVES MATTER ARTWORK SERIEs BY KAT DAY & AIDAN GAMEZ ABOUT THE WORK In the present, my focus has been pointing out racial imbalance. I use my art to uplift underrepresented people of colour, standing in solidarity with the black lives matter movement.

On a personal note, I am a queer-identifying first-generation American woman (immigration from Australia on my father’s side) in a monogamous relationship with a straight identifying Mexican man, and mother to a special needs white-passing Hispanic son. Categorically I understand and have been victim to prejudice and know the damage it causes. I am personally invested in helping to change the way the system operates and what the public tolerates.

ABOUT THE ARTIST Kathleen Day is an internationally published multidisciplinary contemporary artist, author and the mother of a special needs child, ten-year-old autistic artist Aiden Gamez. Art has been a part of her daily life since childhood. She began her professional freelance art career directly after graduating high school in 2000. Having lived in and traveled to various places throughout the world, San Antonio, Texas is now home-base.

Kat is the primary founder and head of The Courrier nonprofit international mail art project.

“Along with my fiancé and my 10 year old autistic son, we founded the project as a way to keep people globally connected through art as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Our main objectives are helping ease the loneliness, depression and anxiety resulting from isolation through engaging the global community to make art and get creative together.

Whether they are adults fighting boredom and just beginning to find their artistic voice, professionals seeking to make impactful contributions or children and caretakers looking for a way to bond and a healthy outlet, The Courrier was designed to be inclusive for everyone.

Find her @artist.kday on Instagram and her full series of work on our website.

‘Shine Shine Shine’

foil paper and magazine collage on 8.5x9” handwoven and foiled paper circa 2020

56

(RIGHT)

Darkest Days a George Floyd tribute artists K. Day and son, Aiden Gamez [age 10] acrylic, paper and magazine collage on 8x10” recycled card stock circa 2020 Still Here a collaboration between artist K. Day and 9 year old autistic son, Aiden Gamez mixed media textured collage and acrylic paint circa 2020

‘Still Here’

a collaboration between artist K. Day and 9 year old autistic son, Aiden Gamez mixed media textured collage and acrylic paint circa 2020 (ABOVE)

‘Darkest Days’

a George Floyd tribute by Kat Day and son, Aiden Gamez [age 10] acrylic, paper and magazine collage on 8x10” recycled card stock circa 2020 (LEFT)

59

ADS AS YOU’VE

NEVER SEEN THEM

60

A PROJECT BY

MARYAM ELSHARKAWY 61

62

ABOUT THE WORK I created these collages at the beginning of the pandemic. I started making collages as a kid and then one day during the lockdown I started playing around with my laptop with cliparts and then I started showing my sister, cousin, boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s sister and when they liked it, that’s when I decided to make a page and showcase my art on my Instagram. You can find the all of Maryam’s work on the Refresh Magazine website.

ABOUT THE ARTIST My name is Maryam ElSharkawy (Instagram: @peachybatidos and also @maryamsharkawyy) and I create digital collages. I’m 22 years old and graphic design and illustrations are my hobbies. Currently, I’m studying at the American University in Cairo and working as a graphic designer at Unpublished Magazine.

63

ABOUT THE WORK AND ARTIST My artworks are inspired by nature’s beauty. I love using rich and vivid colours on paintings. By piling up different shapes of hue blocks, I transform the realist world into a bright and splendid world of my own. This is how I praise nature, and a way of self-expression.

I believe that artwork can bring people a lot of throbbing of mind, therefore I want to use my work to heal people’s hearts. I want for people to look at my artwork and feel the same thing that I do - peaceful, happiness, joy and always believing in something good. So, I welcome you to join me on this visual journey.

‘Awakening’ Acrylic on canvas, 2020, 50 x 60.5 cm This work is full of life and color. Its vibrant palette and composition radiate the heat and the happy mood which the viewer can feel immediately. This painting reflects the feeling of being free and enjoying life. You just want to be immersed in its vibe and not let go!

ARTWORK BY EMILY SHIH

‘Carnival’ Size: Acrylic canvas, 2014, 72.5 x 100 cm This work shows the joy of the carnival. The bright colors highlight the liveliness and happiness of the protagonist, while the background uses the dark gray color to set off the foreground, making the whole picture look colourful and harmonious, showing the unique atmosphere of the carnival.

‘Spring Outing’ Acrylic on canvas, 2019, 72.5 x 91 cm This work depicts the spring scenery of Jiangnan, in March. In this season when the wind and the sun are fragrant with flowers and plants, tourists are walking along the willow breeze and the canoe shuttles through the ancient bridges in the water lanes. The ancient town is composed of white walls, small bridges and flowing water; there is no bustling, noisy crowd, only a kind of quiet and peaceful feeling. The painting shows the typical characteristics of the water town, with full composition and elegant and bright colors, the backlight perspective increases

23

‘Make A Wish’ Acrylic on canvas, 2018, 60.5 x 72.5 cm We are experiencing unprecedented times with the pandemic, economic loss and a hostile political climate. In these times of intense stress, we all need hope.

We must allow the love, compassion, strength, and service that we see to shine through, to find strength in our strong sense of community. We all have our own life to pursue and we all have the power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing. Let’s make a wish so that we can look forward to tomorrow.

poe ARTWORK BY MEGAN THIMM

etry

CWA WARCRY A POEM BY JENNIFER MARTIN

I’m not a ‘clever’ woman, I am a Clever Woman.

Just one of many, Written and raised by my mothers, sisters, grandmothers and aunts.

We are all Clever Women, A congregation of subtleties.

An army of virago.

Mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts, Each carrying the last’s pain, Each carrying their own.

I’m not a ‘clever’ woman, I talk out of turn on purpose, I’m flatulent in company on purpose, I followed by example, I’m a Clever Woman.

The Clever Women’s Army improves with age, We are a fine wine.

I’m trying to make improvements, Call for more change, But, here’s an interesting question, to you my unknown readerHow many medieval Queens can you name?

75

Tricky questions make busy, impatient minds.

I have a friend -another member of the CWAWho can name them all; But she wasn’t taught these facts at school.

What about this one, just for fun, The clitoris is, on average, how many millimeters long?

It’s 10 or for some Very Clever Women 15.

It’s visible for everyone to see, Nestled between the labia, In it’s little nook, If you’d only take the time to look.

Yes. I’m a Clever Woman -I’ve got a degreebut this isn’t what educated me.

Like all my CWA sisters I learnt this all by myself.

With the help of a heavy hand - or 3.

Though we have travelled so far, There’s more path to tread, plenty more to be said.

Perhaps about the cost of our postage, about the cost of our expression, about the cost of our words based on the colour of our lips.

76

“A moment on the lips, is a lifetime on the hips”- or is it?

My Clever Women’s Army!

Stand forth! Scream! Sulk! Pout and punch!

Not for yourselves but for our global community For our Clever Women oceans away.

No. I’m not a ‘clever’ woman.

We are Clever Women.

We, broken, golden, brazen, women Demand dominion over our bodies, Over our minds and over our hearts.

We women who seek to liberate all our other sisters, mothers, grandmothers and aunts.

We zelants to our cause, will commit ourselves unduly to yours.

Here’s a question for you, who are the supply to the demand of our army.

Would you dare lay a hand on me?

77

Distortion of a language, mutilation of a culture, disembodiment of the spirit.

We, the Black youth, are only rose buds, yet we already wield thorns.

Woe to those who may stumble upon our path.

There is a law that says you can get away, but only if you don’t confess.

a poem by yaye

PRICE OF THE

78

So if the land you choose to sacrifice, does stand up and say “I DO NOT CONSENT”

And if the obsidian lambs

“WE DO NOT CONSENT” then the Debt

you are trying to sacrifice today

and the Death

are saying

is yours.

Breathe in. Out. In. Out.

In.

E AMERICAN

DREAM 79

e d o e h t to R E BE N E D R GA in n o r C a l o c i N y b m A Poe

Oh pub – As the sun shines My heart pines For a picnic table.

On a patchy bit of grass Sun glinting off my glass As I hear my friends laugh.

Nobody knows what time it is Why would anybody care?

Our only plan for the day Was being right there Another round of lagers – Beer’s never tasted so nice Arms around your pals As you give them shit advice Reliving memories And reminiscing on the years Can’t help but feel the love As you raise your pint In cheers.

Everyone’s talking over each other It’s always been this way

81

Can’t get a word in edgeways You have to shout what you want to say.

Eventually you’re accosted For losing track of the rounds Head back into the pub To spend far too many pounds...

Plunged back into the sunlight From the longest ever bar queue Order of discussion: Who’s hosting the BBQ? That is – If we ever leave this pub Just waiting for someone To suggest That we go on to a club And let day roll into night Stay up til’ first light “Who the fuck bought me a Coors Light?”

As you hand out the drinks Upon your return Someone next to you asks “Am I starting to burn?”

82

Nobody has cream (Nobody ever has cream) The group has little sympathy It’s a recurring theme.

Many hours later – After the drunken chaos Of settling the tab A general consensus is called: To forget the BBQ And get a kebab.

An organised friend ushers you out As the patio loses its last rays You wander back through the pub In a sun-and-beer drenched haze.

Life has never been better And it’s only 8pm You grab the friend nearest to you And tell them you love them…

After months spent in quarantine For my language I hope you’ll pardon But the thing I can’t wait for most Is being in a fucking beer garden.

– to the bank holiday that could have been

83

I CAN’T B

AP

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I’m running out of breath.

My heart is heavy, I’m sinking in pain, I’m so hurt and I cannot help it at all.

I’m running out of time, I feel lost, With my mind taken elsewhere, I can’t think straight.

I’m tired of everything in this universe, I’m tired of everything being made a racial issue,

84

BREATHE

POEM BY NJABULO NKAMBULE I’m tired of black being made a personality trait.

It is just a matter of skin as the blood we bleed is the same, Why let that rule your mind, engulf everything in your brain and eyesight?

I can’t breathe, How can you be so proud that you are taking other races down?

We haven’t changed a bit for a better future to elevate ourselves.

Instead of helping each other rise and be triumphant unitedly, They break us in every way till we fall and they celebrate,

85

Celebrate while love and life is lost, While our ego and self-esteem is broken into pieces like broken glass.

I know they say, ignorance is bliss and I say ignorance kills, Because it is the black heart they fear, I’m unapologetically black and I’m proud of my melanin black skin, That’s why I’m blessed, blessed to never forget of what you did, You did me wrong, enslaved me, robbed me my roots and treated me like an ox, I can’t forget that you made me feel ashamed of my own skin, Asking the creator absurd questions like why he made me a black child.

Well, I cannot change the color of my skin, like I can change yours, My hurting heart can bury your shame.

Racism is not what is being educated, demonstrated or bring televised, It is the hate you have in your head and heart towards other races, Racism is a turmoil affecting the whole universe at large.

Why one must suffer, get murdered because of his skin color?

Racist people have succeeded in blinding the mankind.

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, you’re hurting me, and I can feel my whole body trembling.

We all know that governments cannot heal the wounds, Between blacks and whites for they always bring racism into the equation.

They know that the moment they put it off, Like a candlelight or bulb light being switched off,

86

And the whole room being dominated by thick darkness, So be their power, it would be the end of it.

When a black child cries, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, When we cry foul, they act as if no one hears or speaks.

We hope that racists get jailed and sentenced, That the perpetrators get their well-deserved evil ransom, Since racial explosives are more toxic than grenades and bullets.

This is a demon, wicked to fight peace and love in this universe, But still, my heart hurts and I can’t breathe, Your knee on my neck feels like a hangman’s noose, Taking my life as it strangles me, squeezing my neck.

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, What you are doing to me is homicide, why execute me like this?

As if I’ve murdered a saint in a church on a Sunday.

But when a white person kills someone, He doesn’t get beat up, with his head pressed against the road concrete, Handcuffed and not given an ear when he begs for his own life.

My heart bleeds and it is hard for me to forgive, I’m screaming blue murder, it’s been long since we started, With this bone of contention.

87

photog 3

graphy PHOTO BY SINENKOSI MSOMI

4

WELCOME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD SERIES: 1, 2, 3

90

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NAZRENE Although we thought the coronavirus was the worst thing that could happen to Country, when Georgia chose to open the city back up with most people in fear of Illness and Poverty. Despite the risk we came back out to a culture battle that affects the African American lives. This Real World has always been there but in an abstract way the pandemic shed light to this. These photos are compression of the multiple narratives running through our time including the emotions deep within.

ABOUT THE ARTIST Nazrene is a practicing Interdisciplinary Artist located in Atlanta, Georgia US but was born in the Philippines with a mixed racial background of both Palestinian and Filipino. Her original focus at Florida State University was Video/Photography and Sculpture however, she has been focusing on painting and analog as of lately. She presents her photography in a variety of formats as well as video installations that may include sculptural forms. Her curiosity is drawn to the complex connection between mental health and the need for societal normalcy. In some of her work, she uses material such as tule because it mimics the haziness in dream-like memories. In previous and ongoing work, Nazrene addresses the ongoing turmoil that takes place in the West Bank. Hoping for peace while presenting subtle truths of what is taking place. As of recently, she has taken interest in paint drenched paper towels used to clean up paint and recycles it into a material used in the paintings, all inspired by the COVID-19 pandemic. In photographs, she uses the double exposure format in which compresses two moments that set a narrative of what she sees during the All Black Lives Matter movement. As of now, she plans to continue to use exploration, observations, and experience as a part of the process. Whether channeling personal expression, provoking emotions, or capturing a moment of light and shadow, in my work I want to portray the spasms of feelings that underpin our life. I explore fear and curiosity connecting mental health in the modern world. I work by observing others and their emotions as well as embracing my own. I intend to bring the beauty of what’s unseen and life’s unidentifiable outcomes. IG: nazvisions. Website: www. nazrenealsiro.com

91

92

91

93

94

95

3 96

4 97

3 98

4 99

3 100

4 101

3 102

4 103

FRAGMENTED MEMORIES OF A PLACE CALLED HOME PHOTOGRAPHY BY SINENKOSI MSOMI The images are more on the impact played by our grandmother’s and mother’s teachings as Africans and how their tough love goes a long way into our adulthood. The images also tell a story of how hard life is for some of us in a society that forces so much pressure on a person. We have to let go of being comfortable and heal, we have to let go of the pains of what was, so that we can freely walk into a future free of the burden of our childhood memories. But the constant injustices that we face as the young African Black child threaten our peace. This set of images are basically a story of outgrowing pain to eventually finding myself.

ABOUT THE ARTIST Sinenkosi Msomi is a 24 year old male photographer, influencer and represented artist from the kingdom of Eswatini in the Southern African region.

He is currently enrolled at University of Eswatini where he is undertaking a Bachelor of Commerce degree. He is an artistic photographer who focuses on conceptual photography and works closely with his team called swag syndroam. nazrenealsiro.com

104

RAINBOW DUST AND SHOOTING STARs PHOTOGRAPHY BY BAILEE

I love photography and experimenting with abstract art and photoshop to alter the original appearance of an image. This first and the last picture here are some of my favourites I have taken, because they allowed me to really play with the image and see things exactly how I wanted to. The stars and the sky images were taken on a camping trio to the mountains in Utah, where we danced under the sunset and stared at the stars.

The stars at night were so immaculate I had to capture them. I can’t beliebe I was lucky enough to catch a shooting star....

ABOUT THE ARTIST My name is Bailee (@bailee.arrilla.photo on Instagram), I’m 19, from Utah, and I love photography! It speaks to me in a way no other art form has before. I do it to help people feel a new sense of beauty in themselves and in the world.

112

113

3

4

116 3

117 4

CREATE? SHARE YOUR VOICE?

submissions!

Opinion pieces, poetry, artwork, photography, short stories, music, anything in between - we want to hear from you! We are always looking for more voices to share. We will work with you to get your work on our platform and provide editing, support and feedback. Email us at refreshmaglndn@gmail.com or send us a DM on Instagram. We will always get back to you!

Refresh Magazine Create. share your voice.

ARTWORK BY MEGAN THIMM

MEET THE REFRESH TEAM:

JEMMA AMOS & HOLLY OGDON founders of refresh magazine Jemma and Holly have been friends for over eleven years and have always shared a mutual passion for reading, writing, art, storytelling and all things creative. Earlier this year they decided to channel their collective passion into creating a platform for others to do the same, each individual sharing their unique narrative and fulfilling the ambition of Refresh Magazine: providing a platform for creatives to share their voice.

BEATRIX WILLIMONT design editor

Beatrix designed this digital print magazine along with our website. She is responsible for general design at Refresh and for managing our website. She is currently a freelance creative with experience in designing, working on shoots, editing, writing and interviewing. She studied at UCL where she discovered that studying philosophy will do nothing for you except give you crippling existential angst - she spent most of her time running the student paper instead.

NATASHA WALKER associate editor

Natasha is responsible for editing and collating our written submmissions and is also a colummnist for the magazine. She graduated with a First Class degree in Law in 2015, before moving to London to work for the world’s most valuable brand, Amazon.

Earlier in 2020, she decided to leave the corporate world behind and focus on her two passions: writing and charity. She is a columnist for Refresh Magazine and is in the process of writing both her first book and her first novel.

Refresh Magazine Create. share your voice.

HOLLY MILLER associate editor

Holly is responsible for editing and collating our written submmissions. She is a recent graduate of the University of Leeds, where her writing was first published. She is currently the cohost of the Culture Hang podcast and is working on her first novel.

GIA BENJAMIN

marketing assistant Gia is in charge of scheduling social activity across all Refresh Magazine platforms. She is also responsible for managing our monthly newsletter and researching potential partnerships, collaborations and marketing opportunities. Gia is an aspiring writer who works for a magazine publishing company in Chelsea and loves reading (crime thrillers are a particular favourite) with never ending supplies of cups of tea and coffee (and plenty of biscuits).

LOTTIE MITCHELL interviews editor

Lottie is working on the launching Refresh Interviews, seeking to support small businesses, de-stigmatise conversation around mental health and give a voice to creativity. She graduated from Bristol University with First Class Honours in Modern Languages. For the past few years she has worked in marketing and brand partnerships across Europe.

ARTWORK BY MEGAN THIMM

REFRESH MAGAZINE Create. share your voice.