Meet the Terrible Eights

Does it feel like your 8-year-old is playing with dolls one second and talking back the next? It may not feel great, but it’s perfectly normal. Here’s what our parenting columnist, Ouiam El Hassani, has to say:

While parents mentally prepare themselves for the terrible twos or secretly dread the idea of their sweet baby becoming a teenager, parenting an eightyear-old may feel like the hardest age to parent because it can come as a surprise that things aren’t smooth sailing between kindergarten and early teen years.

Your child’s personality, temperament, and environment all come into play, of course, but a lot happens developmentally in the growing eight- or nine-year-old brain and body that contributes to this age-specific behavior. Although school-age children are less physically demanding than little ones, their social and emotional challenges can be complex and difficult for parents to observe.

What’s happening developmentally for children at this age? The world is opening up, and your child is getting ready to step out and explore their independence. The ages of eight and nine mark a growth spurt both mentally and physically, and especially emotionally, this growth spurt makes it a challenging time for children and also for their parents. Eight-yearolds make big cognitive leaps as they develop more advanced language, math, and writing skills. They are working on understanding cause and effect and how things work. Morals and values are also beginning to develop. At the same time, motor skills advance, and even though they aren’t necessarily going through puberty yet, they become more conscious of their growing bodies.

Then there’s emotional development which means kids are experimenting with independence and learning who they are. They experience a growing desire to belong to a group and to find their place in the social order, whether in school, neighborhood or athletics. For this reason, social exclusion is more painful. In other words, eight- and nineyear-olds are navigating the world in entirely new ways, pushing their parents as they assert their independence. As they experiment with autonomy, you can expect your child to be extra sensitive, demanding and more difficult.

It may take a few deep breaths, but understanding that your child is in the middle of a developmental transition can help you keep cool and respond rather than react. It’s hard to be a child who wants to be a grown-up on one hand and needs a hug at the same time.

We know social media isn’t great for children’s mental health, but social media may even influence “tween” behavior earlier than expected. One factor that may make the life of an eight or nine-year-old more complicated and, ultimately, more difficult, is growing up in a world with more powerful social media and pervasive cultural influence. It can be challenging for children this age to compare themselves to their peers and social norms at this vulnerable age. Skip social media ideally, or have agreed-upon guidelines and open conversations about what your child sees online.

It is essential to coach and guide your child so they can learn to problem-solve and regulate their emotions. Help your child learn to identify and manage their fast-evolving emotions, a critical skill that will serve them well for life. Parents should work with their children to create age-appropriate household responsibilities. At the same time, you can foster independence by letting them try to choose their own clothing or allowing them to spend more time with friends outside of school. This allows children the opportunity to explore their new-found desire for individuality in a safe environment.

Your child needs support and boundaries even as they roll their eyes and test limits. It’s hard to be a child at this stage in the same way that it’s hard to be their parent. Plus, as you work on communication and trust at this age, you’ll create a solid foundation for your relationship as you move into the tween and teen years (and beyond).

Good luck!