Issue 15 by Recovery Wire

March April 2015

CanYou

LOVE

TooMuch? The difference between Care-taker and Care-Giver

RECYCLING

ABUSE Understanding and preventing the cycle of family abuse

connection : A Cure for Addiction? INTIMACY ANOREXIA

TOP 10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Image by Kai Engel Image by Franziska Geiser Image by Bex Ross

Image by Frits Ahlefeldt-Laurvig

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR We all face challenges now and then, we’re all brought back to those old feelings of shame and self-doubt. The question is what will you do about it, and how much will you let it throw you off?

TOP 10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Whether you are married or single, we all have both personal and professional relationships, and most of them could use a tune-up now and then. Here are our Top 10 ways to improve the current state of your relationships.

SAVING MR. BANKS: THE REVIEW It’s the story of how Mary Poppins came to be, but behind the ‘spoon full of sugar” was a snifter of something a little stronger. This is our review of a movie worth watching, about the long term impact addiction can have on our families. Our resident movie expert tells us her thoughts.

RECYCING ABUSE When we are raised in an environment steeped in varying forms of abuse, can we escape unfettered or are there long-term impacts we did not expect?

INTIMACY ANOREXIA Do you activly withold intimacy, either physical, emotional or sexual? Our resident relationship expert gives us the scoop on how to define, spot and overcome this challenging habit.

CONNECTION: A CURE FOR ADDICTION? Is addiction simply the result of a chemical dependency, or is environment a much larger factor than we anticipated. Science is offering some evidence that our dependency might be directly connected to the cage we live in, and that connecting to others might be the cure.

CAN YOU LOVE TOO MUCH? There is a big difference between being a “care giver” and a “care taker?” Do you think you would pass the test? Our resident codependency expert lights the path toward support and autonomy versus control and dependence.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Issue 15, March/April 2015 Editor In Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Editing by Patrick Nolan Contributing Writers Kimberly-Robyn Covey Sheryle Cruse Douglas Weiss, Ph.D Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Cover Photograph By banoootah_qtr Published 6 Times Yearly: January/February, March/April, May/June, July/August, September/October, November/December

Now and again, despite all our best efforts, we are thrown a curveball. Some believe in the notion that a deity is responsible; that these surprising little challenges are a test of some sort. Some believe in mere bad luck, others believe in the idea of Karma, and still others believe that the quality of ones recovery is (in some way) directly proportionate to the positive and negative experiences that ensue.

Mailing Address 360A Bloor Street West P.O. Box 68506 Walmer Toronto, ON M5S 3C9 1.416.922.9227

I, for the record, don’t attach myself to any of the aforementioned philosophies. I think life is a collection of experiences, and classifying our experiences as “good” or “bad” might be a little linear in the grand scheme. The upside of this belief system is that when the shit hits the proverbial fan, there is no lesson, no failing and no retribution involved. My mission is to stay present, allow whatever is unfolding to unfold, and do whatever I need to do to maintain the highest degree of serenity. And so, when I discovered rodents had burrowed into my house recently, I had to pull every tool from my toolbox and “practice these principals.”

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At first, I spotted a few cookies missing from my cupboards and a small hole in the wall. I told myself it was a squirrel, or perhaps a mouse, until one day I saw one. It was a rat. I called my landlady immediately, but she’s never been known to respond quickly (if at all) to any issue, so I knew I was mostly on my own. I bought containers for all my food, I filled the hole as best I could, and I called a contractor to lay traps and patch things. Part of my brain wanted to take over, with its old haunting messages of shame. It wanted me to believe I didn’t deserve help, I was being dramatic: I must be dirty, my home must not be clean

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enough. What would people think of me now? I ignored the voice. I would not relent. I would allow it to natter in the background until it became a white noise I could talk over.

day and would not return for a month. He was delighted to have someone caring for his orchids in his absence; I was delighted that his house was 3-doors down from a fenced dog park.

As time went on, I endured. I got used to hearing them in the walls. I got used to giving them a minute to scatter when I came out of my bedroom. I live in a very upscale neighborhood, but despite my location or status, such is life. It’s not personal. Shit just happens. I continued to reach out for help, and while I waited, I endured even larger holes. I endured droppings on my floor. I moved the dogs and I into my bedroom full time, and stopped eating at home. The owner of the house did not respond to my calls for aid, the landlady told me time and again that “critter-control” would be there in the morning, but no such visit occurred. I contacted the city: the bureaucracy and red tape was unimaginable. I’d have to file notices; I’d have to be patient. And amidst the challenge and horror of living among rats, I was told by everyone, “I’m sure they’re not rats. It’s probably mice.”

The moral of the story is what you choose for it to be. Indeed, I am out a home I have lived in for 6 years. I was not believed; I was patronized and to a degree, abandoned. The rodents burrowed into my (very pricey) sofa, and as a result, I am also out a set of very expensive living room furniture. My insurance does not cover rodent damage, and the owner will not compensate me. All of this is true.

There was a time when this sort of challenge would have rocked me. I would have self-destructed. I would have raged, and kicked up my heels, caused myself (or someone/everyone else) harm, but not anymore. Today, despite my still nattering mind, I am able to think just a little clearer. And once the rats reached my bedroom, I left the unit. I called a friend in the middle of the night for help. I called another friend in the morning, and by the following evening I was staying in a lovely house, whose owner was ironically leaving for Singapore the following

And yet, last night as I curled up on the floor with my 2 dogs, while they wriggled and played, I was soulfully enchanted. I was safe, and I’ve been reminded recently that I truly have great friends and wonderful kismet. I have a wonderful temporary home while I search for a new one. I have to buy new things, yes, but its just stuff, and I’m honestly not fettered by it. I’d grown so used to the sounds and habits of sharing a space with rodents, that the mere thrill of living somewhere quiet and unscathed is wonderful. Despite the tidal wave, I feel fine, content even. And make no mistake, these are The Promises: shit will indeed still happen, but the degree to which it knocks us down will be reduced substantially if we make an honest effort to become our highest selves. Let the rats keep my couch, I have a nice cloud to sit on anyway.

Dee Christensen Editor in Chief image by Tim Fuller

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TOP 10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR

RELATIONSHIPS 6

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SCHEDULE TIME

We have a tendency to schedule the most trivial things into our calendars: pay parking ticket, pick up dog bags, call Susan about Saturday. We schedule all the details of our life so we don’t neglect anything, and yet we never think to schedule the things that make our details worth organizing. It’s time to pencil your loved ones in. Schedule time with that friend you care so deeply about, schedule time with your partner, schedule a date night with someone who matters. Add time in your schedule for maintaining the health of your relationships along with everything else in your life. Image byPhoto Steve 101

ASK NEW QUESTIONS

It’s easy to get in a rut once you know a person. It’s easy to assume that you already know how they’ll respond to certain things. And yet, we are all multidimensional and ever changing in some way. It’s time to ask new questions, dig a little deeper; make a game of it. Come up with a few new things to inquire about with those people you hold so dear, and give them a chance to teach you even more about them. If they were stranded on an island, what books would they bring? What superhero did they want to be as a child? What other career would they embark upon if the choice were presented?

2. JOURNAL Image by Milos Milosevic

Think up your own list of interesting things you’d want to know. After all, we all want to feel as if someone is interested in what we have to say, so it’s time to uncover even more and deepen that connection.

CREATE RITUALS

We honor so many rituals in our lives, be it decorating a Christmas tree or lighting candles at Hanukkah. We kiss at the strike of twelve on New Year’s Eve, we even set our trash bins out on the same night each week. It’s time for some new rituals, and these rituals are intended to bring us closer. How about “No Light Tuesday” – we’ll spend the evening eating dinner by candles and leave the television off. How about, “Book Hour” – we’ll pick a book and read it together. How about “Coffee Hop Sunday” – where you and a friend find random new coffee shops to try every other Sunday? Come up with your own, but make a fun ritual out that you start looking forward to as a unit.

Image by eren {sea+prairie}

VOLUNTEER TOGETHER At a time when conflict is on the rise, and tension is thick, volunteering together can be a game-changer. Uniting for a greater purpose, like a fundraiser, or a march, or a walk for a cause; this kind of altruistic event can turn the focus off of your relationship and toward the greater good. This is a great way to take the pressure off your challenges, and shrink them down to size while you team up to help someone else. Volunteering together can give you a different view of each other, and remind you of what it’s like to depend on one another. It’s a great reason to get out of the house, and do some good.

Image by Elvert Barnes

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STRENGTHENING YOUR RECOVERY WITH

We know that the hardest part of recovery begins right after your treatment ends. That is why we have created a network of community-based supports and services, to help you build a recovery that is strong enough to last a lifetime. At Hope Place Centres, many of us have ‘been there’ and our own lived-experience makes us great when it comes to knowing what it takes to succeed in early recovery. It makes no difference whether your journey began in one of our treatment programs or someplace else; what really matters is the BIG difference that ‘HOPE’ can make in your recovery today. Reach out and connect with ‘HOPE’ right now by email at info@hopeplacecentres.org or give us a call toll-free at 1.877.761.6357

hopeplacecentres.org ‘Healing Trauma CONNECTIONS (Shame & Resiliency) ‘A Woman’s Way through the 12 Steps’ ‘A Man’s Way through the 12 Steps’ Living Sober

Parenting Basics Sober Moms Women’s Peer-Support Group Men’s Peer-Support Group

Couples and Family Counselling ‘Family & Friends Peer-Support Group’ NADA Auricular (Ear) Acupuncture Yoga

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ONE-ON-ONE TIME

Whether it’s a best friend, a close friend or a partner, one on one time is important. All relationships need a certain amount of focused intimacy. When was the last time you had dinner out, just the two of you? Perhaps that’s a tough thing to arrange with your schedules, so how about planning something in the future, just the two of you? A night away: skiing, shopping, or dancing: tickets to a concert, a spa day or a festival. The healthiest long-term relationships display a focused degree of commitment and investment of time, so perhaps it’s time to invest some of your time into the people you deem the most important to you.

Image by Beverley Goodwin

TALK ABOUT EXPECTATIONS

Everybody cares for each other in different ways. Some of us say we care, some of us use touch to show affection, some of us do thoughtful things, while others show they care by carving out time for specific people. The challenge in relationships is garnering a clear understanding of how your copilot is caring for you. If you expect to hear nice things, and they’re trying to show you how important you are with a hug or time in their schedule, that’s where misunderstanding begins.

Image by Pedro Ribeiro Simões

Talk about expectations; make an effort to understand how the other person is signifying to you how important you are. The signs could be all around you, and you missed them while you were looking elsewhere.

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LAUGH

Life can get far too serious; it’s time for a deep belly laugh. Go check out a stand-up comedian or a local comedy act, rent a classic laugh flick and get your gummy-bear high on. Laugh until you pee a little, and then laugh some more. Avoid using phrases like, “But seriously.” It’s time to make a total ass of yourselves together. Stop at a thrift store, buy ugly shirts, talk to strangers use random accents, skip down the street holding hands. Just laugh damn you, laugh until it hurts.

Image by Craig Cochrane

Image by Kevin Dooley

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SEE CONFLICT AS AN OPPORTUNITY

Once we are in active recovery we begin challenging old ideas, like our former belief about conflict. “Conflict” used to mean failure, it represented imperfection, messiness, something broken. Today, we begin to understand that conflict is a valuable tool, especially in a relationship. Conflict expands the bounds of a relationship, it teaches us to reach higher for consensus, work a little harder to reach a compromise. It deepens our connection and commitment to one another, and broadens our safety net, because it teaches us that even in the rough times, we can come together.

STAY ACTIVE

One guaranteed way to improve your outlook on your partnership, friendship, life, is to keep physically active. One never sees a person frowning along a hiking trail or playing tennis or splashing in a pool. Staying physically active not only improves your overall health, it boosts your endorphins and improves your serotonin levels, thereby improving your mood and demeanor. Activity also provides a healthy common outlet to blow off steam when you and your loved one can’t see eye to eye.When you respect the body, it becomes more natural to show respect to everything else. Image by Ella Baker Center

10.

SELF ASSESSMENT

Here’s a newsflash: nearly 100% of the time, the person you believe yourself to be is not actually the version being presented. You might see yourself as easy-going, but perhaps you’re a wee bit passive-aggressive. You might see yourself as optimistic and positive, but is it possibly you can be a little peppery without realizing it? It’s time to self-assess. We have a tendency in relationships to assess our counterpart almost instinctively, but that’s no really any of your business. Turn the camera on yourself; try to see yourself from an outside perspective. It might shock you how often you misrepresent yourself unknowingly.

Image by Ali Edwards

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Dianne Piaskoski BComm, BSc, MMath, MA

but’terfly effect` The “butterfly effect”is a term in chaos theory that depicts how one small change (the flap of a butterflies wings) in one place can result in a large and unpredictable change (a hurricane, say) in another place. The same can be true when we make small changes in our lives.

Addictions Counselling (416) 522-9421 dianne@butterfly-effect.ca www. butterfly-effect.ca

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By Kimberley-Robyn Covey Image by Jimmy Cardosi

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A 2013 adaptation from a screenplay written by Kelly Marcel and Sue Smith, Saving Mr. Banks tells the story of Walt Disney’s 20 year struggle to acquire the rights to make a movie based on the book Mary Poppins. Directed by John Lee Hancock, the film mainly focuses on the two weeks that author P.L. Travers spent in 1961 at Disney Studios where Walt and his creative team fought diligently to gain the author’s consent to create what would eventually become a Disney classic.

Disney replies, “Says the woman who sent a flying nanny with a talking umbrella to save the children....” Travers’s next response is the key to the film, “You think Mary has come to save the children? Oh dear...”

Travers’s protestations are quite puzzling to Disney, as revealed in a conversation between the two where Travers resolutely states, “Mary Poppins is not for sale. I won’t have her turned into one of your silly cartoons”.

Travers could have been a poster girl for AlAnon. As a result of the family’s dysfunction, she is forced to grow up quickly as the oldest daughter of three. Under the stress of Dad’s alcoholism and the constant negative consequences befalling the family

At first we think that Travers is way too uptight and far too much of a perfectionist. She comes off as both snooty and ornery. But then, through the use of repeated flashback cinematography, we start to get glimpses into the author’s tormented childhood, largely dominated by her father’s alcoholism and her I have to say that it was a joy watching Emma mother’s passive codependence. Thompson’s portrayal of P.L. Travers, as a stubborn, embittered writer, completely dominated by It becomes quite evident that little Miss Travers her demons. She pulls it off beautifully and was adored her fun loving, playful father, (portrayed in complemented by an equally stellar performance an outstanding performance by Colin Farrell), and from Tom Hanks, as Walt Disney. suffered tremendous emotional pain watching his alcoholism progress. Indeed, she not only watched Travers never wanted to sell her beloved character him lose his job, his employability and his dignity to to Walt Disney. She viewed Disney as the man who booze, she also watched him die a tortuous death in created and profited from the cartoon character the grips of tuberculosis. In a loving attempt to help Mickey Mouse. She disliked animation, which was, her bedridden, dying father, at one point we see her in her opinion, frivolous and not connected to the ransacking the home searching for hidden bottles to real world. Travers thought Disney cartoons avoided ease his suffering. Such a dark, desperate place for reality and she feared that he wouldn’t portray her a little girl... and so uncomfortably familiar for many famous English nanny properly. She felt that she of us who read this magazine. created Mary Poppins to be much like herself; downto-earth and practical. As it becomes more evident that the family is falling apart, Travers’ tough Aunt Ellie (Rachel However, after 20 years of Disney’s repeated Griffiths) shows up to help restore order. Aunt Ellie attempts to persuade her decision, and propelled leads Travers to believe that everything will be by financial hardship, she finally boards a plane and alright ... that she will fix the situation. flies to California to assist in creating a script that, We then start to understand that, symbolically, hopefully, wouldn’t ruin her character’s essence. Mary Poppins came to save the author’s father. Disney had invited her to provide her input, hoping to gain her confidence. He never imagined that This film is genuinely a complex piece of work that she would be so difficult to deal with. She puts up deals with a slew of compelling human conditions. impossible barriers and vetoes most of the creative There are elements of this movie that are team’s efforts. She is very rigid, stipulating that there extraordinary; poignant scenes, magnificent acting, must be no sentimental nonsense, no animation, no hilarious moments. In all reality, Saving Mr Banks is red, no music and, heaven forbid, no Dick Van Dyke... the quintessential recovery movie.

due to his drunken behaviors, her mother (Ruth Wilson) cracks under the pressure and attempts suicide. The little girl is the one who prevents her mom from drowning in the river. Little Travers ends up being a caregiver for both parents. As we start to reconcile adult Travers’s obsessive perfectionism and fear based behaviors with her painful history, we start to see the real long lasting impact alcoholism/addiction has on families. The only drawback of this film is the obvious omission of certain well documented facts, facts that if portrayed accurately, would have taken this movie from being a ‘good’ Disney film to being an amazing modern triumph for the famous studios.

What Disney didn’t tell us? Travers was not, in reality, a stereotypical “old maid,” as the film portrays. Her personal life was very different from Disney family ‘norms’. Deeply impacted by her father’s alcoholism and early death, Travers never recovered from losing him so early, and according to many accounts, she spent her life desperately seeking a father figure. To that end, Valerie Lawson, author of Travers’s biography entitled Mary Poppins, She Wrote

recounts Travers’s words describing her relationship with actor Lawrence Campbell, a man twice her age as, “the first in a long chain of men who would, in her words, pass her from one to the other”. Eventually she settled into long term relationship with another woman that lasted many years. She chose not to marry, preferring to raise an adopted child as a single mother. She adopted one boy of a set of twins, effectively separating the two lads on a whim... a decision that would later cause her and the boys a great deal of pain. Instead of showing Travers in all her complexity, Disney reduced the author to a more narrow, more “acceptable” version... an adult who had issues with her father. If Disney had portrayed Travers as she truly was, I believe the film would have shone even more brightly. Disney Studios would have broken new ground proving that a ‘family friendly’ movie could embrace an expanded definition of ‘family’. Having said that, at the end of the day, despite its factual inaccuracy, Saving Mr Banks is a brilliant film providing a good look at the emotional dysfunction that affects so many of us who were subjected to family alcoholism. I recommend it to anyone who is impacted by family member’s addiction.

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Making Enlightened Society Possible

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By Sheryle Cruse Author of “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder” Image by Fabienne

Recycling

ABUSE

Recovery is probably an overused word in my of abuse. However, more subtle forms also exist. Its vocabulary, and not just concerning my disordered verbal aspects contain threatening and disparaging eating issues. insults. Likewise, the emotional/mental components focus on an ominous undercurrent of control, power In fact, I’ve spent much prayer, exploration and inequity and isolation. But all forms of abuse include therapy living my recovery from both that disorder and the same phases: tension building, acute explosion and that of my family’s abuse. And that’s led me to question “the honeymoon” in their terror-filled arsenals. the impact of one on the other. Did I already possess hard wiring for eating disorder mindsets and behaviors For years, my mother and I didn’t know what to call before I was in my abusive environment? Or, did the them, other than business as usual. My dad’s stifling violence I experienced light a fuse which would have tactics created and sustained an environment of fear, otherwise been nonexistent had I lived a non-abusive dread and danger. family dynamic? Mom and I not only walked on eggshells, we lived on My childhood consisted of isolation and verbal them as well. assaults. Complicating this pain further was my family’s public perception. In our small rural community, my And, years later, I’ve seen how strongly my dad, a classic manipulator, was only known as a great disordered tendencies were often my chosen coping guy, a joker and a “go to” person in case of emergency. mechanism responses to that reality. Our family, financially prosperous as well, appeared to Tension Building be happy and perfect. But behind closed doors, reality was harsh. This phase lists characteristics like; moodiness, In my adult life, through help from both my faith and yelling, putdowns and threats. Yes, all of those things therapy, I’ve learned about the abusive cycle. There is were present. My dad specialized in tossing insults, much information concerning its destructive phases. littered with expletives, to both my mother and myself: And yes, a lot of the emphasis is on the physicality

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“You’ll never amount to anything!” “You do nothing all day! You’re useless!” “Just look at (he mentions another wife or daughter in the rural community)! Look at her! Why can’t you be like her and do what she does? This was daily life. Mom and I expected constant his disapproval. Never satisfied, he determined if things were okay or even good: that was to be expected. No positive attention was required. However, if things weren’t great (according to only his subjective perspective), then he could unleash his punishment to teach us a lesson or simply vent his anger. And so the verbal and emotional abuse intensified. And with it the tension building phase attribute, “destroys property” was how he demonstrated his physicality. I believe he chose this means of physical expression because he could wield fear by threatening to discard our meaningful possessions. He did it often. My mother had difficulty keeping a clean house. And so he used this as his excuse to rage. To make his demanding point, he’d hold up one of my favorite dolls, strewn on the living room floor and declare he was going to “take it to the garbage and burn it.” After all, I wasn’t worthy

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of possessing it; Mom and I certainly should not have wasted his money buying it. We got what was coming to us. This sentiment was repeated using many of my possessions. And he went after Mom’s things as well. It’s why she doesn’t have her original birth certificate; it was tossed and burned during one of his rampages. Therefore, in an effort to cope, my disordered thinking prompted hyper-vigilance; I wanted to be as perfect and pleasing as possible. During childhood, I had constant anxiety with my every effort. If I could just be “good enough...” My dad erected impossible and vague requirements as the mandatory perfectionistic standard. Therefore, we were set up to fail. However, years later, I recognized this is part of the abuser’s mindset. He operates from a perspective in which spouse and children are created to perfectly cater to his every whim. At the same time, conveniently, he has also freed himself from accepting all personal responsibility. Therefore, if there is anyone responsible for falling short, the blame rests on spouse and child, never him. Still, as a child, I could only internalize the blame

and fear. It was my fault. And since neither parent was available to comfort me (my dad was in unsympathetic punishing mode; my mother was trying to keep peace), I turned to food for comfort instead. Mom initially modeled this behavior for me, having her own food/weight issues. However, as we both ate and subsequently gained weight, this further exacerbated the abuse. My dad hurled jokes, insults and criticisms at us. Again, according to the family “rules,” wife and child were the problem. We brought the trouble on ourselves.

object. But target a living being whom I loved? Was Mom next? Or what if I was? Those unanswered questions tormented me; I had to make this better. I just wanted his screaming, threats and severe consequences to stop.

This viewpoint impacted my disordered eating as an adolescent when my rage kicked in. Seeing the unjust discrepancies operating in our home, I viewed my body as the vehicle to express my frustration, need for control and ultimately, revenge against my parents for their dysfunction. My attitude was “I’ll show them!” I would become emaciated and even die, just to punish them both for their roles in subjecting me to this hell. I was crying for help and validation. None came. Instead, it was peace and conflict keeping: image trumping truth and family healing.

I had years of these memories. This violent phase also guided my disordered eating mindset: “I am not safe.” As a child, that belief drove my overeating, searching for comfort. I’d binge on cakes, ice cream and cookies. I wanted to feel love and safety I couldn’t get from my home.

And this torture flared into the next phase.

Acute Explosion According to most abuse cycle charts, humiliation and verbal abuse are two characteristic signs of the “Acute Explosion” phase. Mom and I already experienced these elements within the tension building phase, our family status quo. But, like any good abusive dynamic, inevitably, there was a dramatic explosion. Something enraged my dad. Whomever or whatever it was, he, nevertheless, determined it was our fault. Once, when I was eleven, he was upset at my cousin (he never gave a reason why). He never confronted her; he didn’t believe he needed to. After all, Mom and I were conveniently in his cross hairs. So he erupted, threatening us with his “or else” statements. Most of the time, his punishments involved our imprisonment in the house. Often, in these episodes, I’d try to hide. But he’d storm from room to room, hunting me. I’d hear Mom bargaining with him, doing whatever he demanded. Eventually, he’d find me and the danger would escalate. Sometimes, to make his point, he’d try to harm my beloved cats. And that’s where I was especially terrorized. It was one thing to threaten an inanimate

These explosions would last two or three hours. Then, he’d leave, sometimes to do farm work; sometimes, he’d drive into town. It was a temporary relief. Mom and I would clean up his wreckage. We’d brace for his return.

And as an adolescent and a young adult, anorexia and bulimia became my more complicated safety mechanisms. I medicated stressful feelings and experiences with restrictive and extreme behaviors. I weighed, measured and counted everything. I attempted to control my body, ergo, myself. And like abuse’s acute explosion phase, I also translated the harsh mentality into my disordered eating/image issues. Whenever I failed to stick to a caloric daily total, lose weight or maintain some drastically low number, I punished myself. I needed to make myself pay; I invented my own “or else” threats. I’d exercise for six hours. I’d throw away food. Sometimes I’d hit or scratch myself for being the horrible human being I believed I was. Abuse experts discuss how we, the abused individuals, often take on the abuser role in how we treat ourselves. It seems to stem from some violent personal assessment, “I’m worthless; I need to be punished severely.” Eating disorders became my punishing “acute explosion.” Since any anger, apart from my dad’s, was forbidden, this was how I raged. The explosion happened inside my body and mind, hidden from view, until my drastic weight changes captured everyone’s attention. And, in the years since, I’ve come to accept anger for what it is. It’s an human emotion, requiring healthy attention, not self-destruction. Abuse obscured that truth. Now, I have an opportunity to heal. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned has been the

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forbidden component in the acute explosion dynamic; it’s usually attached to something “off limits.” With abuse, it was anger, feelings and individual rights. With my eating disorders, it had more to do with being imperfect. No matter what, my staunch belief was “I deserve punishment; I have this coming.”

matter how good things seemed. Soon, the tension would build and explode again.

That’s what I needed to tear down, rather than be torn down by it. It’s particularly challenging to accomplish that. Simply stated, self-acceptance is ongoing and difficult.

But as I’ve sought help for both, I have certainly seen connection between the two. Both have oppression at their core; both are about punishment and pain, in the guise of keeping order, peace and status quo.

Disorder and abuse are both complex, mysterious realities. I’m not here to solely blame my eating disorder struggles on that abuse.

Honeymoon: Perhaps, I do, in fact, have the “eating disorder And equally challenging is the honeymoon phase of brain.” Perhaps, eating disorders would have occurred, abuse. It’s often when the abuser apologizes and gives regardless of my family’s home life. gifts; it’s that calm period between storms. One thing I have come away with, however, has been In our case, we’d endure my dad’s angry storms for the revelation that I became my own abusing punisher. three or four days. Then we’d return to our version of I made that choice to internalize oppression through normal. He wasn’t yelling and threatening us; there self-destructive thoughts and actions. I did that. I were even moments of joking or generosity on his part. need to accept my ownership of that reality. I may He’d “pay” Mom for her housework; he’d take us out to not have been able to control my potential “eating a restaurant. disorder brain,” much less, my dad’s choices to abuse my mother and me. But mostly, our experience, according to many abuse cycle charts, featured this honeymoon trait: “Acts like But here and now, I can make another choice. I nothing has happened.” can choose life, healing and freedom. Forgiveness is intrinsic to that choice in matters of both disorder and And that was what was so unhealthy. Mom and I were abuse. I had to forgive others and myself. And doing so relieved to get through his explosions, we’d take that is not a one-time perfect event; it’s an ongoing whatever calm we could get. process. This honeymoon phase also impacted my disordered eating/image mindsets, as I tried to “make things better.” Whether it was anorexia, or bulimia, in my acutely explosive eating disorder actions, I would often engage in “bad behaviors.”

Therefore, I keep embracing help, health, support and information. I choose imperfect recovery. I resolve to not live that oppression as much as my finite self can allow.

I now endeavor to answer the following question: Then, complete with extreme counter behaviors, I How will I live healthy and empowered, recovering would strive to become normal again. The honeymoon from what is known as “my life?” phase concerning my disorder was my calm successful stasis. I had starved, purged and exercised enough to May each of us, even in spite of our abuse and/or be okay again. Things were as they “should be.” disorder experiences, live that answer! However, just like the abuse’s honeymoon phase, my disorder’s reality was also constantly uneasy, no

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By Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist, Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center www.intimacyanorexia.com Image by Roy Blumenthal

INTIMACY ANOREXIA Again, another nice couple walks into my office. They are both professionals, attractive, intelligent, have two children and look pretty normal. The problem is that they are living a different life than they portray on the outside. No, they aren’t double agents or swingers but they are living a lie. Their secret is that they are not loved by each other. The secret life we are talking about here is where the spouse is married yet often feels alone. This desolate lifestyle is being lived by millions of couples across America. You and I might ask ourselves, “Why get married if you weren’t going to love your spouse? Why marry them and trap them in a marriage where you make no time for them, intentionally create distance, use anger or criticism to keep them hurt, and avoid intimacy?” In some marriages withholding physical intimacy is also a part of this secret life.

It’s this secret life that I discovered years into counseling couples and it’s something I want to share with you so that you can help someone you may know as well. The name of this secret is Intimacy Anorexia. Intimacy anorexia only shows up inside of a marriage or long term committed relationship. To everyone else, this person looks and acts very normal, even engaging. However, when they go home they are disconnected and even avoidant of any real intimacy with their spouse or partner. They prefer a book, television, their cell phone, work, computer, almost anything else that helps them avoid connecting with their spouse. Their spouse feels unwanted, unnoticed, hurt, resentful and angry. They have to beg to be loved, heard, seen or touched. In public, their spouse pretends to be affectionate and caring but at home rarely a praise or any touch is given. Sounds crazy,

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office and has a hobby that takes up several more hours out of his week. He barely gets home in time to see his wife and kids. When not working, he sits in front of the television. He rarely has any meaningful conversations at home and gets critical if his wife, Mary, asks him to share about something from his day or when she tries to have any kind of emotional connection. They rarely go out on a date and sex is only once every two months at his wife’s initiation. Joe secretly views pornography and takes care of his own needs and has little connection to Mary. They have tried counseling but it only gets better for a little while, then their sterile relationship returns. She feels ugly, rejected, and unloved in their twenty-three year marriage. Nancy is an amazing nurse. She has won several awards for her personal care toward her patients at the hospital and is a positive influence to other employees at work. Nancy also volunteers on Saturdays. When she goes home though, she tells Tom she doesn’t have anything else to give. They eat together, discuss bills, kids and things that need to get done but she never shares her feelings or herself with Tom. Nancy rarely, if ever, praises Tom unless it’s at a social event. In thirty-five years of marriage, Nancy has initiated sex one time after drinking at a party. She can’t talk about sex and withdraws during their once a quarter sexual encounter. Tom feels duped because everyone loves Nancy yet all she does is read, volunteer, work and sleep. He feels alone. This does not feel like a marriage. Because of his faith he doesn’t cheat, but continues to feel single in his marriage.

right? Intimacy anorexia is rampant and either spouse can have this issue. Similar to the addictions that I treat in my office, there is a lot of denial around being an intimacy anorexic. Be aware of this if you are trying to address it with someone you know. Let’s further define this relationship paradigm called intimacy anorexia. Intimacy anorexia is the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy from the spouse or primary partner. Sharing a story of an intimacy anorexic is a good way to help you identify actual behaviors found in this secret relationship. Let’s look at the marriages of two couples, Joe and Mary and Nancy and Tom. Joe is an engineer. He works seventy hours at the

In the book Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage (Discovery Press, 2010) four causes for this behavior are listed. The first cause of intimacy anorexia is sexual trauma. The individual who experiences this trauma may conclude that intimacy (not just sexual) is not safe or is actually painful. This person, at their very core, can avoid real intimacy due to their trauma. Not all survivors of sexual abuse become intimacy anorexics. However, over the last 20 years or so, while treating intimacy anorexics this has been a significant factor. The second cause is the inability to attach to the cross gender parent during childhood. The opposite gender parent could have been hostile or emotionally unpredictable. The parent also could have been around physically but was not emotionally present, may have betrayed confidences and could have been an addict or had mental health issues. That parent could have hidden behind a newspaper, television or activity and as a child you were more managed than related to by this

cross gender parent. The third cause of intimacy anorexia is very common and continues to grow in our culture. It’s sexual addiction. This person connects to fantasy and/or pornography on a regular basis. He or she begins to connect their sexuality to an object and not a person. They emotionally stay underdeveloped and have little need to connect deeply or emotionally to another soul (like a spouse). However, when a man or a woman is a sex addict (with self or others) often the intimacy anorexia is the primary addiction and the sexual addiction is secondary. The sex addict/intimacy anorexic will have self sex or sex with others regularly but will often have no connection sexually with their spouse and often will avoid it. In this case, both issues need to be resolved because these two issues can feed off of each other. The sex addict needs to find out what type of sex addict he or she is and address the intimacy anorexia to have a healthy marriage or relationship. The fourth cause of intimacy anorexia is role model neglect. As a child, this person grew up never seeing intimacy in the home. Mom and dad didn’t kiss, touch or show affection to each other or the children. The children totally gave up hope of connecting early on in life and fell into the grid that parents are there to do or perform, be managed and not connect to each other. After reading this you can probably begin to make sense as to why some people would avoid connecting in a marriage or primary relationship. To truly see if you, or someone you love has intimacy anorexia consider the ten characteristics.

1. Busy:

Staying so busy that you have little time for your spouse or partner.

2. Blame:

If a problem or issue comes up in the relationship you will first blame your spouse before being able to see if you are part of the problem or issue.

3. Withholding Love: Not giving your spouse or partner love the way you know they receive love or how they have asked you to love them. 4. Withholding Praise:

Not sharing with your spouse or partner about their positive qualities as a person and their positive impact on your life.

5. Withholding Sex:

Avoiding sex, sabotaging sexual encounters or not connecting emotionally during sex with your spouse or partner.

6. Withholding Spiritually:

Withholding spiritual connectedness from your spouse or partner.

7. Feelings: Being unable or unwilling to share feelings with your spouse or partner. 8. Criticism:

Having ongoing or ungrounded criticism of your spouse or partner be it spoken or just in your head.

9. Anger/Silence:

Using anger or silence as a way to control your spouse or partner.

10. Money:

Controlling (by limiting, or letting you buy anything) or shaming around money issues with your spouse or partner.

Now that you know these characteristics, let me tell you how to use this information to benefit yourself or others. Ask yourself, “How would my spouse answer these questions about me?” In other words if your spouse or partner is Mary, how would Mary answer these ten questions about you? If your spouse or partner is Ed, ask yourself, “How would Ed answer these ten questions about me?” If they would give you five or more yes answers, you should get more information on intimacy anorexia. If you have way more than five yes answers, you might want to call for more information on getting help. Many anorexics play a game called, “Starve the dog.” They starve their spouse or partner of intimacy which, long term, causes the spouse or partner to act out in some way, for example, anger or overeating and then blame their spouse for the problem in the marriage. A second game I see intimacy anorexics play is, “I can read your mind.” In this game the intimacy anorexic declares, in their mind, what you are thinking or feeling and guesses your motives (they are always negative interpretations). They don’t have to tell you what you’re thinking, they just get to treat you as if that’s what you’re thinking. They get to treat you poorly, create distance and blame you for the whole thing. Crazy, right? However, this game is constant in a relationship with an intimacy anorexic.

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Intimacy anorexia is a stealth process. Once you understand what it is, you will never go back to not seeing it. It’s like Neo in the Matrix movie, once he took the pill he couldn’t go back to his previous life. That’s my hope. Moving forward is what you can do or it’s something you can help someone else do. Going forward is a journey for both spouses in the relationship, but there is so much hope ahead of you. I have seen couples with this issue in my office for many years and many have done the hard work of recovery to make it work. Real resources such as books, DVDs, workshops, 3-Day Intensives, phone groups and more are becoming more available every day. Unlike our parents, with the help of these resources today, we can live abundant intimate marriages. Professionally, I have counseled couples who haven’t had sex in ten or twenty years, yet after they start doing their daily work of recovery, they not only resumed regular sexual activity, they actually liked each other. So, if you or someone you love is feeling married and alone, trapped in a relationship where they are regularly asking, “Why they won’t love me?” tell them there is hope. Intimacy anorexia can be the reason. Many couples are often totally unaware of what it is, much like the alcoholic, drug addict, or sex addict is unaware until being informed. The spouse is well aware of the intentional starvation of intimacy that they have experienced but there was no name for it. Now there is support and information for spouses of intimacy anorexics as well. They can take the free test at www.intimacyanorexia.com My encouragement is that you take the next step if this applies to you. If it doesn’t apply to you and isn’t a part of your marriage trust me, you will know someone else at some point who needs this information. Strong, healthy marriages contribute to a better society for all of us.

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By Dee Christensen SSW Image by Christopher Michael

CONNECTION A Cure for Addiction?

I had an argument with a friend not long ago. We were discussing our theories about why twelve step programs are successful; how are they are a “cure” of sorts for addiction. My friend is a traditionalist; she incited the usual sound bites I often hear in meetings (whilst I coached myself not to roll my eyes). She claimed the key was sponsorship, step work, service work and attending ones “home group” regularly. She continued to list the usual reasons that people generally spout to newbies, as if they’re doling out directions to an elite camp. I’ll admit it; I scoffed. These things are incidental. These things are semantic. The reason twelve step programs work is far simpler: connection.

surmised that these disreputable rats were all alone: isolated. He launched into his own experiment, and called it “Rat Park.” He placed rats in a rodent version of an amusement park, filled with coloured balls to play with, tunnels to scamper through and friends to lean on. These rats, after trying both water and cocaine, opted to continue drinking water. The basic philosophy being, “It’s not you. It’s your cage.” (Hari, 2015)

When a philosophy is this simple, and it is applied to an issue as complex as addiction, it makes sense it would cause tidal waves. The following is another theory touted by Johan Hari, Author of the Book “Chasing the Scream” and author of the recent Huffington post article. He uses the following reference as evidence Recently the Huffington post published an article that addiction is not linked to chemical dependence as touting the discovery of the “real” cause of addiction. we may have thought: Naturally the addiction community had much to say about it. I read the article cautiously, but with as open Here’s one example of an experiment that is a mind as I could muster. The general notion behind happening all around you, and may well happen the piece related to human connection. It all began to you one day. If you get run over today and during the 1980’s amidst the infamous war on drugs. you break your hip, you will probably be given Rat experiments had been used as the foothills of a diamorphine, the medical name for heroin. In campaign to scare people about the extreme hazards the hospital around you, there will be plenty of cocaine use. These rats were immersed in an isolated of people also given heroin for long periods, environment, with one of two options to choose from: for pain relief. The heroin you will get from drugs or water. They chose the drugs, and used them the doctor will have a much higher purity and until it killed them. potency than the heroin being used by streetaddicts, who have to buy from criminals who But leave it to a Canadian psychologist, Mr. Bruce adulterate it. So if the old theory of addiction Alexander, to challenge these findings. Alexander is right -- it’s the drugs that cause it; they make

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your body need them -- then it’s obvious what should happen. Loads of people should leave the hospital and try to score smack on the streets to meet their habit. (Hari, 2015) As someone who used to do intake at a drug treatment centre, I can assure you an epidemic number of people given pharmaceuticals for pain management indeed end up scoring elsewhere later. The sheer number of formerly functional PTA-attending, yuppie soccer Mom’s I assessed who were rendered hooked after an accident that introduced them to Oxycodone was unprecedented. Over the past 20 years I’ve seen a dramatic swing in intake types, from street drugs to medicine cabinet drugs, and a great number of those found later addicted did not start out “in a cage.” This transition made me question the cause of addiction myself; perhaps there was more to it than trauma, isolation and disconnection. Perhaps there is a deeply imbedded biological trigger for some of us, which lights up in grandiose neon bulbs at the onset of initial use.

The Truth About Food Addiction

According to Global News, the number of medical patients who are rendered hooked is a major challenge in Canada. “It’s a thorny issue, tackling misuse of medications genuinely needed by people in pain. (…) Publicly funded addiction treatment programs are overflowing with people addicted to publicly funded drugs.” (Paperny, 2014) This article describes the rising statistics of people struggling with the misuse of pills originally intended as a supportive aid. But I digress. This is not a tit-for-tat on the cause of addiction. My intent here is to uncover two simple ideas: 1) That addiction is a multidimensional and complex malady with several roads leading to and from the pit. And 2) That human connection, a bolstered environment, and a lush social experience can do nothing but improve ones circumstances, before, during and after their visit to the pit. Let’s not get lost in the semantics of this argument. It was not a science experiment or a set of statistics that launched one of the most significant selfhelp organizations on the planet in 1935. It was one drunk, who discovered that when he spoke to another drunk, he could stay sober. And rest assured, they did not recite rules, they did not discuss causal links or statistics, and they did not give each other advice. They simply connected, human to human, and that magical day would alter our fate forevermore. Take what you like, and leave the rest behind for the cleaners. Works Cited Hari, J. (2015). The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think. Huff Post, Politics. The Huffington Post. Paperny, A. M. (2014). OxyContin’s gone, but Canada’s pill-popping problem is worse than ever. Global News. Shaw Media Inc.

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Available at Chapters & Indigo Now! 29

By Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency” Image by Benurs

Can You

LOVE Too Much? 30

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Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love. Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and hurt so much. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship. We might also confuse love with being someone’s caretaker.

Caretaking vs. Caregiving Parental love is expected to be unconditional and onesided toward their young children. As they grow, good parenting includes mutual respect for each others’ boundaries. Caregiving is a normal outgrowth of love and is also part of healthy adult relationships. When someone we love is in need, we naturally want to help. Yet there’s a difference between “caregiving” and codependent “caretaking.” In the latter situation, we might care for someone in a manner that is intrusive or enabling. We do harm to the other person and risk sacrificing our own lives in the process. With codependent caretaking, often there’s more “taking” than giving. The caretaker’s objectives can subtlety take precedence. This is because caregiving comes from abundance, and caretaking emanates from need and deprivation. Caretaking can become so habitual that it enables and disables the recipient, so that he or she doesn’t take responsibility for his or her behavior and needs. It treats that person like a child who doesn’t have to grow up and reinforces his or her lack of confidence. Again, due to lack of boundaries, caretaking eventually negatively impacts the relationship as a whole. When one partner acts as a caretaker of the other, it creates an imbalance and unhealthy mutual dependency – codependence. The caretaker doesn’t have to be as vulnerable as his or her partner. The caretaker feels needed and superior and at the same time is assured that his or her partner won’t leave. Over time, both end up feeling guilty and angry. The more a caretaker becomes invested in the problems of his or her partner, the more that advice and control characterize the dynamic between them. What may have started out as an act of love devolves into resentment when well-meaning advice or wisdom isn’t followed. So how can you tell the difference between caregiving and caretaking? Here are some of the differences:

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Caretaker Sacrifices self Self-righteous – puts own opinion first Helping is compulsive Feels responsible for others; often not for self Crosses boundaries Is judgmental Gives unsolicited advice Knows what’s best for others Gives with strings attached or expectations Feels exhausted, irritated, frustrated, anxious Feels unappreciated or resentful Discourages others from thinking for themselves Uses nonassertive, pushy, judging, “you” statements Tries to control recipient

Caregiver Practices self-care Respects others’ opinions Helping is volitional Feels responsible for self and to others Respecting Waits to be asked for advice Knows what’s best for self Gives freely without expectations Feels energized Feels love and empathy Encourages others to solve their own problems Uses assertive “I” statements Supports recipient

A Caretaking Quiz

Do you repeatedly do things for your partner that he or she is capable of doing? Does your partner meet your needs? Is your giving reciprocated? Do you practice self-care? Do you feel responsible for your partner’s negative feelings? Do you feel guilty saying “no” to your partner? Do your partner’s problems preoccupy your thoughts? Can you listen without giving advice? Do you get upset if your advice isn’t followed? Do you give with strings attached? Is it uncomfortable to listen to another’s problem and not offer solutions – even when asked? Learn to Detach with Love The challenge of change is learning to detach and let go. That doesn’t mean we care any less about our loved ones, but we allow them the dignity of making mistakes and finding their own way. We take care of our own needs that we may be neglecting, and we empower others to do the same by supporting their choices. That also means we empathically and lovingly allow them to suffer the resulting consequences by not removing the natural consequences of their actions, nor having an “I told you so” attitude. Make “Live And Let Live” your mantra, and practice saying things like: “I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.”

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

“You really have a dilemma.”

Do you give unwanted advice?

What are your options?”

Do you judge your partner?

What decision (actions) are you leaning toward?” or “What does your gut tell you?”

Do you believe that you know what’s best?

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“Trust your instincts.” “I’m sure you’ll find a solution.” “I believe you can handle it.” Watching those you love struggle can be very difficult, and it can take all your strength not to jump in and help, especially when others expect you to behave in the old way. They’ll likely try to reel you in to give advice and other help. Because caretaking can be a compulsion, you may need outside support to maintain your boundaries and not be overwhelmed with guilt. Detachment doesn’t mean being emotionally cold, but taking a hands-off, ego-off approach. This is truly loving someone. Your guilt will lessen in time and with it resentment, making for a better relationship. For more on detachment and enabling, see Codependency for Dummies, and get “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.

Understanding Addiction, Food Addiction, Obesity and Eating Disorcers

THE POWER IS OURS The Addictions Unplugged website serves as a portal and discussion forum for medical professionals, front-line addiction workers and those affected by addiction to reach out to Dr. Tarman and find out the latest information on treatment.

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Be sure to check out Darlene Lancer’s NEW BOOK! This essential guide explores the powerful emotion of shame, what can happen if it is not addressed, and provides practical advice on how to break deep-rooted patterns.

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