M A G A Z I N E
2017
R A Y I M
SUMMER
T H E
SPARKS
SUMMER
2017
M AGA Z I N E
A project by Rayim, Inc. Editorial Rabbi Jacob Freund, Founder & CEO
Sarah Kraus Executive Director
Editorial Board
5
Sarah Kraus
6
Seasonal Sparks By: Israel Fried
Sounds of Accomplishment
8
By: Chani Rosenberg
18
Editorial Director
Parents Share
Israel Kraus
By: R. Schiff
Editor-in-Chief
Tapping Your Way to Wellness
M. Deutsch Project Manager
Dini Landau Contributing Editor
Ruchel Einhorn Graphic Design & Layout DPMG GROUP 845.782.3382 Sparks Magazine. Published by Rayim, Inc. A non-profit agency providing services for people with disabilities in the State of New York. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part, in any form without the prior written permission from publisher is strictly prohibited. Sparks and Rayim assume no responsibility for the contents of the articles and opinions expressed in the articles.
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By: Shoshana Bernstein
Remote Control
34
By: Chavi Nussbaum
Q&A
40
With Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW
Sparks in Perspective: The Power of One
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By: Israel Fried
If There Is A Will, There Is A 'Way' By: M. Deutsch
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The Wallet By: M. Deutsch
Pillars of Strength
52
By: Dini Landau
The Choice is Yours!
65
By: Draizy Lemberger
Rayim's Bulletin Board
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By: Adina Jacobs
The Pens
72
By: Malky Stein
Sparkling For Siblings By: Malky Stein
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בס"ד
Sarah Kraus B’ezras Hashem
Executive Director
Dear Reader, Being tasked with the opportunity of writing
out as a small office in Monroe, N.Y., is now
an opening editorial for the 5th edition of
an organization with four administrative
Sparks Magazine is indeed an honor.
offices between New York City and
The number five represents the Chamisha
Upstate NewYork. In addition, there are
Chumsei Torah, the complete Torah that we live and breathe and study endlessly. From
approximately another ten locations from where our devoted staff provide an array of
a deeper perspective, Chazal tell us that
services to individuals in need.
shishim reboi oisios la'Torah, that the oisios of
We at Rayim thank Hashem for enabling
the Torah represent all of Klal Yisroel. When
us along the way and pray for continued
a sefer Torah is written, it is not considered
success im yirtzeh Hashem. We also are very
kosher if it is missing one word or even one
grateful to the individuals we support, for
letter . In the same way, Klal Yisroel isn’t
they give us the opportunity to provide
complete unless each and every person
services to them with unconditional love and
fulfills their individual duty to their fullest
care. The amazing staff at Rayim deserve
potential. It is the responsibility of each
to be mentioned here with tremendous
and every member of klal yisroel to insure
appreciation. The program directors,
the completeness of this sefer Torah. As we
secretaries, and our devoted Direct Support
publish our fifth Sparks Magazine, we gain
Professionals make a difference in the lives
continued strength knowing that at Rayim
of the individuals and the families they
we are committed to fulfilling that call to
assist, on a daily basis.
duty. By providing care to those who are
We hope that this edition of Sparks will
vulnerable and in need of support and care, we enable these special children to be able to fulfill their unique tafkid as part of Klal Yisroel.
provide you with useful information and loads of inspiration. May we be zoche to be able to continue working towards fulfilling our own responsibilities, and helping others
It is with deep and sincere gratitude to
reach closer to fulfilling theirs. The end
Hashem that we look back to more than a
result very soon, be’ezras Hashem will be a
decade of providing the highest standard
complete sefer Torah, a unified Klal Yisroel
of care to the community. What started
waiting together for Mashiach’s arrival.
Sincerely, S a r a h
K r a u s
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Seasonal Sparks
By: Israel Fried
T
he Shabbos after Tisha B’Av is the Shabbos that that we dry our tears and look forward to days filled with joy instead of sadness. Shabbos Nachamu, the Shabbos of
Consolation, follows three weeks of mourning over Churban Beis Hamikdash.
The term
nachamu is taken from the haftorah that is
read that week. Yermiyahu HaNavi tells Klal Yisroel, “Nachamu
nachamu ami yomar elokeichem - Be comforted, be comforted my children, says Hashem.” Shabbos
Nachamu is the first of seven Shabbosim in
succession where the haftorah revolves around the concept of nechamas tzion v’Yerushalayim. Hope, salvation, redemption, and the fulfillment of Hashem’s promise to bring the geulah, are all part of a renewed focus on the future. Why is the word nachamu repeated twice? That is a question that has been pondered for generations. In addition, another question begs an answer. What is the connection between Shabbos and nechama? Sometimes a person finds himself in a hopeless situation, feeling alone with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel. Those are the times that the strength of our emunah, the knowledge
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that Hashem is always with us, carries us through our most difficult moments. Every Shabbos, after we sing lecha dodi, we continue with the words Dovid Hamelech wrote. Tov l’hodos la’Hashem, it’s good to sing and thank Hashem! L’hagid baboker chasdechu, to express Hashem’s chesed and kindness in the morning, in the time of our lives when the sun shines. When life is good the expression of song and gratitude is spontaneous, but even in the darkness of the night, ve’eminuscha baleilos. Even in times of distress and pain, during nights of agony and sorrow and darkness, even when we are surrounded with the fear of the unknown, we believe. Emunah means belief, faith, when we can’t see, when we don’t understand. It is from emunah that we gain strength; that we fortify ourselves by knowing that Hashem is with us at all times. Since Shabbos is the foundation and the key to emunah, it is the perfect time to start reinforcing our faith in the promise of geulah. The navi tells us nachamu once, for the future. It conveys a message of comfort that the end is near, that Hashem’s glory will soon fill the world. The second nachamu sends a deeper message. It is about the present. It is about Hashem’s presence with us, every minute of every day, in every struggle and every hardship. Imo anochi batzarah - He is with us in galus, and that is our comfort. We are not alone. With this knowledge we can say, L’hagid baboker chasdechu and ve’eminuscha baleilos. Shabbos Nachamu is the time when our emunah gets strengthened and our faith gets reinforced. We remind our selves yet again, that Hashem’s constant hashgacha and boundless love for His children is a part of every challenge He sends our way. Shabbos Nachamu is the time when we remind ourselves yet again, that the geulah is close; Mashiach is on his way!
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Sounds of
The
ACCOMPLISHMENT
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By: Chani Rosenberg
W
hen I was born, my father thought My
I
was
mother
perfect.
knew
that
something was off, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. This was 1986, and newborn testing was sparse, often far
off
many
the
mark,
conditions
and went
undiagnosed. Shlepping me from doctor to doctor didn’t either help; no one could figure out what it was that so concerned my mother. In fact, when she took me to an audiologist (who should’ve been the perfect
candidate
to
recognize
my
symptoms) he placed me in front of a video of a monkey clapping its hands. When I responded to the visual cue by clapping my hands as well, he ruled out the possibility of deafness, attributing my response to the clapping sounds I’d heard! So another year went by, during which my parents continued hunting for the elusive something that would tell them what was wrong. By this time, it was apparent that something was different about me. I crawled on my back, and my speech was non-existent. For some reason, my parents found themselves back in the audiologist’s office. This time, he placed me in a different room where sound was close enough to carry through, but where I wouldn’t be able to view the clapping monkey. I didn’t respond to the claps, and the diagnosis came in: I couldn’t hear. Now, the puzzle pieces fell into place. My mother recalled the time my brother had mistakenly turned a stereo up to
the highest volume, and everyone but me had jumped. My father remembered how I’d been the only kid in the shul who slept through the noisy Haman shout-outs and gragger twirling during megillah reading. Once the great unknown had been
“I’LL MANAGE EVERYTHING ELSE ON MY OWN. I DON’T WANT YOU TO SPEAK FOR ME OR ADVOCATE FOR ME!”
cleared up, there was, ironically perhaps, little devastation and much relief. Now my parents could help me conquer the disability that finally had a name. From the age of two to three years old, I had to wear a hearing aid, which amplifies sound, as a ‘trial’ of sorts. If I’d pick up sounds it would be a sign that I was simply hard of hearing; if I wouldn’t pick up any sound at all, I’d be diagnosed as completely deaf. After that year, it was indeed confirmed that I was completely deaf.
My parents didn’t know
anyone who was deaf, and they believed that in order for me to survive I needed to hear. It didn’t take long for them to find out about cochlear implants, which was at the time a pretty new, yet past the experimental stage, medical procedure. At the age of just three years old, I was NYU Hospital’s thirteenth patient to undergo a cochlear implant. First, the implant was surgically implanted in my left, middle ear, and several weeks post-op (after giving the site a chance to heal) the cochlear implant was activated so that I’d be able to hear.
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Though I was too young to
never adapted well to it because
remember it, my mother often
the sounds it transmits are very
shares with me the wonders of that
robotic and annoying.
day; the day I was able to hear for
I even need a break from my first
the very first time in my life. During
cochlear implant sometimes. On
the trip home from the audiologist
Shabbos and Sunday mornings I
who’d activated the implant, I was
take a ‘vacation’ from the ‘hearing’
peacefully sitting in the car seat in
world, and savor blessed silence.
the rear of the car, and my mother
Remember, that’s the way I was
was in the driver’s seat. Suddenly,
born: what may be unnerving to
a truck directly in front of us
others is instinctive and welcome
honked. Shrieking hysterically, I
to my senses.
jumped out of my seat and onto my
After my first implant, I could
mother’s lap. Traffic safety aside, it
hear, but my verbal and auditory
was a delightful occasion! The fact
skills were virtually non-existent.
that I was startled meant that I
Intense speech therapy several
could hear!
times a week helped me advance
Contrary
to
popular
belief,
a cochlear implant in no way
tremendously, and I painstakingly built up my vocabulary.
equals a magical transition to the
My first therapist tried to get
hearing world. For me, a cochlear
me to use auditory and visual lip-
implant is simply a tool to help
reading skills to communicate.
me communicate in a world of
In fourth grade, I started going
predominantly
people.
to an additional therapist so that
In fact, I don’t even always like
I could get even more sessions.
wearing my implants. At the age
This therapist, Perry, wanted me
of eighteen, I underwent a second
to learn how to communicate
cochlear implant, this time on
through hearing only; not by lip
my right ear. However, since it
reading. She’d cover her mouth
was implanted at that late age, I
while talking so that I’d have no
hearing
choice but to rely on my auditory skills to communicate with her. What
the
therapy
didn’t accomplish though, was a flawless English. Because I’d been one of the pioneers in cochlear implants, I don’t think my therapists realized that while they were concentrating solely on getting my tone and enunciation right, I wasn’t picking up on grammar rules. I needed plenty of help
since
from my father to get me through
that
English classes and term papers in
initial phone call,
high school and college. To this day,
I still feel the same way. I still
my verbal English language skills
to
have that fear and anxiety that
are far from perfect. I often advise
do the
I’ll be causing people to become
parents and speech therapists of
same.
frustrated with me when I place a
deaf children to get an English
call. This is also true when I meet
tutor for their child, so that they
longer wanted my shadows to be
new people…
a part of my social life. “I’m fine,”
don’t lose out on the exposure to well-spoken English.
As I got older, I no
When it was time for me to go to
I would tell them. “You just take
school my parents insisted that I
I remember when Perry prepared
notes and I’ll manage everything
be mainstreamed, so that I’d grow
me for my very first telephone call.
else on my own. I don’t want you to
up ‘normal’ in a world of hearing
A terrifying occasion! I was always
speak for me or advocate for me!”
people. Thanks to the N.Y. Board of
afraid that the hearing population
While I recognized that I needed
Ed regulations, and to my parents’
wouldn’t have time or patience
help with notetaking while I was
strong advocacy skills, I always
for me and that if I’d ask anyone
busy reading the teacher’s lips, I
had a shadow at my side.
didn’t like the fact that they were
to repeat themselves they’d get
In the younger grades, the
impatient and frustrated with
shadow ensured that I understood
me. On the phone, when I couldn’t
“You can speak to her when I’m
what my teachers and friends were
lip-read along with hearing, this
not around,” I’d say to my shadows
saying. They essentially played the
was a real possibility. Sounds over
when I caught them talking to
role of my ears in interpersonal
the phone were also a bit more
my friends. Though I loved my
interactions. My first pre-school
annoying; too much technology
shadows, and developed strong,
morah
the
was passing through my middle
lasting relationships with them, I
process by treating me just as she
ear.
needed my space. Just like every
did every other kid in the class, and
teenager does.
Though two decades have passed
helped
‘normalize’
by encouraging the other students
‘intruding’ on my personal life.
When I started high school, Perry
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cochlear implant works, and about how I’m not much different than them. Then, she encouraged the girls to ask questions. Before long, I was a hero! From there on in, I thrived in the camp environment. Until the summer of ninth grade. to a new school year! No one could console me. Until the next day, when I learned that the world wasn’t all that gloomy… “Tzila Seewald,” I heard my name spoke
over the loudspeaker. “Please come
to the staff.
to the principal’s office.”
Unfortunately, one teacher wasn’t
“I heard about what happened
in attendance, and on the very first
yesterday,”
day of school, she yelled at me for
“Several parents called to tell me
conversing with my shadow.
that their daughters were deeply
What does she want from me?
the
principal
said.
disturbed.”
Does she have to yell at me like this
That means my new classmates
on my first day of school? My first
have my back! As does my principal!
HOW CAN THIS BE? I ALREADY HAVE ONE DISABILITY! WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ANOTHER CHALLENGE? I QUESTIONED HASHEM. WHY?
Then, I attended a new camp, which made for an absolutely dreadful experience. I had a very difficult time making friends, as most campers saw me not as the fun-loving, sociable girl I was, but as ‘the deaf girl’. This pained me terribly, but I wouldn’t let it get me down. I wanted to prove that I was just as cool as the next girl, and that there was no reason to pity me or to set me apart. After a while many girls, but not all, saw that I actually was pretty much like them, and I made a nice number of friends. That doesn’t ‘cancel out’ the painful moments, where I was forced to deal with the deafness stigma. For example, babysitters were in high demand in my neighborhood, and I loved kids. However, aside from my immediate family members, parents wouldn’t trust me! While I couldn’t really blame them, I found this extremely frustrating.
day in a new school?
12
This is absolutely awesome! The
This was the first time I’d
rest of my high school years passed
encountered anything less than
pretty uneventfully, with a lot of
one hundred percent sensitivity
understanding and support from
and understanding of my situation.
the faculty and my friends.
Confused and in tears, I escaped to
Perry came up to camp too, to
the bathroom. What a terrible start
speak to the girls about how a
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“They don’t know what they’re missing out,” my shadow said when I complained about it. “You’d be the very best babysitter because you’re deaf! You’d be extra careful to stand outside the bedroom door and listen for noise, not
like your friends who go do their
final test, my father held out his
this at me? Enough! I was angry
own thing in the living room!”
hand and said, “This is for you.”
and inconsolable! I had worked so
“What?”
hard to build a solid life for myself
I didn’t see anything.
despite
“Here! Here!” he almost shouted.
deafness. Why was I now being
one that made me forget all my
“Where?”
challenged with vision problems as
concerns about ‘discrimination’
“Don’t you want fifty bucks?” he
well?
At the age of seventeen, I was dealt
a
really
crushing
blow,
against my deafness. Like most
waved a bill in front of my nose.
of my friends, I wanted the
I was a teenager. Of course I
independence of driving my own
could use fifty dollars. I simply
vehicle. There was no reason I
hadn’t seen it.
being
challenged
with
As soon as we got home, I locked myself into the bathroom, to wallow in despair. “Don’t do that!” my mother
couldn’t drive, I thought. In fact,
“It may be Usher’s Syndrome,” the
followed me. “Don’t let this stop
studies show that deaf people are
doctor suggested, after listening to
you! You can continue! You will!
safer drivers because they don’t talk
our stories and completing an eye
You
while driving, and aren’t distracted
exam. “This means that you can
by background noise such as the
see, but you don’t have peripheral
radio playing, or conversation with
vision. I’d advise you to check
other passengers. And, they are a
it out with a specialist.”
lot more visual than the hearing population. Trouble started during a driving
have
disability!
a driveway.
me
another
challenge?
instructor shouted, slamming on
questioned
the brakes to avert a collision.
Hashem.
“I didn’t!” I said, and promptly Several days later, I was out with
one
Why
are You giving
forgot about it.
do
How can this be? I already
lesson, when I was backing out of “Didn’t you see that car?” my
can
I
Why? Why are
you
throwing
my father, and as we passed the
things
recycling bin at the curb, I knocked
like
into a few empty soda cans that were on the ground. “What did you do that for?” my father asked. “What?” “Didn’t you see those cans?” I hadn’t. In the
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anything, Tzila!” It
took
some
diagnosis with the specialist, I’d time,
murky future.
but
convinced myself that I’d have
Later, when I was in college, I
eventually my mother’s repetitive
the absolutely least degenerative
joined the Helen Keller Foundation,
encouragement penetrated. By the
form of Usher’s possible (which
where I learned how to use a
means only slight change every
walking stick and how to type on
ten years or so). And I decided
the computer without looking at
to focus on the here and
the keys. Though I was hopeful
time we confirmed the
now, not
on the
that I’d never have to use these skills, I wanted to be proactive. I don’t like using the walking stick. Unlike the cochlear implant, it’s quite noticeable, and it’s the first thing people see when looking at me. I almost feel like it obscures the real me, by pronouncing that first and foremost, I’m blind. However, when I do use it, it has its advantages. If I step on someone’s toes in Manhattan foot traffic, I’m bound to get yelled at or worse. If my walking stick mistakenly strikes someone, I’m more likely to be awarded an apology! The stick also clears lines at ticket booths and supermarkets. After all, who wouldn’t allow a ‘pitiful’ blind person ahead of them? Also affecting the social scene for me, is the fact that I don’t hear well in large crowds. My cochlear implant does not operate like the hearing ear; it cannot pick up and transmit sound clearly in a crowd, and I cannot possibly read multiple lips all at once (besides for the fact that not all lips may be within my line of vision). Though close friends and family know how to keep me in the loop, most people aren’t sensitive to that. Perhaps
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that’s
one
Additionally, I made
Sitting
through
classes
and
reason seminary was so tough! I
disabilities.
felt extremely ostracized due to
sure to advocate for myself if I
studying was rigorous work, but it
my inability to follow along in a
needed help. I made sure that every
was doable. As he had done through
crowd, and few, if any, girls made
single one of my classes had a note
high school, my father helped me
an effort to include me. However,
taker/CART so that I’d be able to
out plenty on the ‘editing’ scene;
my dorm counselor taught me an
keep up with the classes.
but he couldn’t help me out where
important rule; you be the one to
CART, short for Communication
speak up. Indeed, her constant
Access Realtime Translation, are
encouragement
me
individuals who can perform real
My first internship was at a
socialize more optimally, and also
time reporting. The CART provider
school in the Bronx. The kids, I
laid the groundwork for the self-
types into a stenographic machine
discovered, couldn’t care less about
advocacy and assertiveness I’d
which is connected to a computer.
my hearing abilities; all they cared
need in college. Though I don’t
Using
the
about was that I care about them.
recall the seminary experience
computer translates the stenotype
And I did. Showering them with
with much fondness, I’m still
shorthand into English, which can
love and attention, I made headway
did
help
special
software,
the real hardship was, at my internship.
with quite a few students. However, the supervisor seemed to overlook the fact that I was a
“YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING,” SHE OFTEN YELLED AT ME. “CAN’T YOU GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT?”
social worker in training, viewing me as a ‘deaf girl’ who could really be taken advantage of. “You never understand what I’m saying,” she often yelled at me. “Can’t you get anything straight?” She also gave me very denigrating jobs that really didn’t belong to a social work intern, such as straightening up her office. Though
her
every
attack
glad I went. I learned how to deal
then be displayed on a computer
humiliated me deeply, I remained
with people who aren’t sensitive
monitor or projected onto a wall.
quiet. Why? I knew that when a
As CART would record every
potential employee would look
single word that had been spoken
at me, he’d see a deaf woman.
Unfortunately, not all of my
in class (think about the many
If I would get my Masters, he’d
college experiences mirrored that
unnecessary ifs and ums and buts
see a hardworking, deaf woman
understanding. After graduating
that find their way into verbal
with
Stern College, I went onto to
language,
absolutely
conscientiousness. And I knew
Hunter’s College to pursue a degree
useless) the notes were often quite
that I needed that to get a job. So,
in social work. I introduced myself
cumbersome.
with my parents’ encouragement
to my needs, as well as how to be independent on many levels.
but
are
to my professors, and made sure
“It’s okay if you leave out the
to educate them, and the students,
unnecessary words,” I eventually
about how to treat people with
told the note takers.
courage,
capability,
and
I soldiered on, taking the abuse, keeping my eyes on the final goal. My next internship was at an
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elementary school for the deaf population. I thought I’d be well-
responded,
liked, understood, and accepted.
acknowledge that I’d mentioned
Wrong on all accounts!
the same thing earlier that week!
refusing
to
“You need to know ASL (American
Two days later I decided that I’d
Sign Language),” the supervisor
had enough. I quit! Well, I didn’t
(who also had a cochlear implant)
really quit. I was getting married
insisted. “How can you work here if
at the time, and decided that a
you don’t?”
semester off would be the perfect
What do you mean ‘how can I work here’? You knew that I don’t know much ASL!
like every other mother, wife and housekeeper. During the day, I usually wear my implants so I can hear my kids. Occassionally when I don’t, they
thing for me. A shadchan who deals with singles with physical disabilities
I’d been very explicit beforehand
had thought that Tzvi, the son of
that I could only sign a bit. There
her friend and a ‘regular’ hearing
was no way I could learn the
guy, would be perfect for me.
language that quickly! “I think
“She is smart, beautiful, and
your writing skills are detestable,”
kind,” the shadchan told Tzvi. “But
she told me on another occasion. “I
she is also deaf.”
don’t know if there’s any way I can
Of course Tzvi was concerned that I’d be like the stereotypical
pass you.” To say that I was depressed is
deaf person; stupid, mute and
putting it mildly. Yet, like during
ugly. When he met me, though,
my first internship, I continued
Tzvi realized how mistaken he
know exactly how to pull my hand
to brave it, determined to stick it
was.
or tug my skirt to get what they
out and get my degree. But this
my deaf accent took some time,
supervisor was out to get me and
Tzvi eventually learned to be
Back to my college experience…
reject me.
comfortable with it, and today he
With the next semester coming up,
no longer even hears it.
and my lack of enthusiasm to go
After some time I realized that
Though
getting
used
to
want.
an
back, my father put his foot down.
supervisor didn’t have. One of
adjustment, I believe it is that
“I don’t care if you end up getting a
my clients at the internship was
way for everyone. When I became
job or not,” he said. “But you have to
exhibiting psychopathic behavior,
a mother, I was nervous about
finish your education. You invested
and I told my supervisor about it.
how I’d hear my baby during the
too much to back out now!”
I had certain insights that the
Though
marriage
was
Go back I did, and I’m ever so
she
night (since I remove the cochlear
dismissed my words out of hand.
implant before I go to sleep). At
“You need proof!”
first, I tried a vibrating machine,
After my sorry sagas, I was
Two days later, the principal
which shook my mattress when the
quite wary of another internship.
brought my supervisor and me in
baby cried. However, my husband
However, since it was part and
for a meeting about that child, after
didn’t like the way it vibrated so
parcel of what becoming a social
his behavior had turned violent.
violently, and he offered to wake
worker required, I took a deep
“The child is a psychopath and
me when the baby cried. Other
breath and took the plunge.
has no feelings!” the principal said.
than that, I pretty much function
“How
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“I had no idea,” the supervisor
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know?”
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grateful for that push.
This time, I was super-duper
Oy! I feel so bad for you!”
lucky! I found an opportunity at
“I wear cochlear implants, and it
Bikur Cholim of Boro Park, and in
actually helps them connect to me,”
You feel bad for me? I wanted to
doing so, found the kindest, most
I said. “People coming for therapy
tell her. Why? You are dealing with
helpful supervisor as well! She
often feel very belittled by the
a severe mental illness that impacts
accepted me for who I was and how
stigma of their difficulties. When I
your daily functioning! Why do you
WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME? YES, I AM DEAF; BUT I’M DEALING WITH IT SO WELL! tell them that I’m deaf, they know
feel bad for me? Yes, I am deaf; but
that I understand the feelings of
I’m dealing with it so well! Yes, I have
I treated my clients. This internship
being stigmatized, and that I can
Usher’s Syndrome, and there is no
enabled
relate to them.”
treatment for it, but my condition
me
to
successfully
graduate from Hunter’s as an MSW.
Absolutely floored at how I
has degenerated only slightly over the
After a short stint helping victims
managed to turn my disability into
past decade! I lead such a successful
of Hurricane Sandy through Ohel’s
a strength, the interviewer made
life! I’m happily married with two
Project Hope division, a co-worker/
sure I got the position.
children. I have a job that I love. I
friend told me about a vacancy at
Indeed, my clients often tell
Ohel’s out-patient clinic, Kadimah
me that although I don’t speak
PROS.
as clearly as most social workers
When I was called in for an
they’ve
worked
with,
they
have wonderful parents and friends! Why would you feel bad for me!?! Then, I realized that my client wouldn’t be able to deal with my
interview, I knew that I wanted
understand me better than anyone
nisayon;
my
about
else. Why? Because I have a way
gave her the tools to deal with her
my hearing disability, yet I was
of understanding them, due to my
own personal circumstances. The
extremely nervous about how
own life experience. And if I can
tools He gave me are the ones I
they’d take to it, and whether it
understand them, we can connect.
need to deal with my personal life
would affect my eligibility for the
On one occasion, when I asked
challenges; the resources I need to
a new client to face me when
strive and thrive. Baruch Hashem,
“Tell me your experiences of
speaking to me so that I could lip
as my story attests, I am striving
working with clients with mental
read, she burst out: “Oh! I’m so
and thriving!
illness” the interviewer asked me.
sorry! I had no idea you were deaf.
employer
to
know
position.
Hakadosh
Baruch
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Paren Share By: R. Schiff
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ents 10 1.
Before you comment, question, act or give advice, think; how would I want to be addressed?
Summer was whispering goodbye, but we still hadn’t
had the opportunity to vacation. When my motherin-law invited our family, sweltering in the Brooklyn heat, to her home in Monroe, we jumped at the offer. Calm and serene, we strolled the aisles in Walmart. I walked proudly, holding the hand of my four year-old son that was developmentally delayed. I felt relaxed, and enjoyed the feeling of being one hundred percent ‘Chezky’s mommy’. We headed towards the laundry detergents, and I scanned the shelf for some Tide. As I was lifting the bottle, I noticed that my son was doing the same. By the time I tried removing the bottle from his hands, it was too late. The bottle hit the floor with a loud thump, and blue Tide suddenly began shooting forcefully into the air in every direction possible. It was wreaking havoc, as if a volcano had hit. I stood there red-faced,
THINGS EVERY PARENT OF A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS WISHES YOU KNEW:
while innocent shoppers were attacked by liquid Tide on their hats, sheitels and clothing. Mortified, I tried apologizing, to which most of them nodded in sympathy and understanding. I arrived home physically and emotionally drained, and i met my sister-in-law at the front door. My emotions bubbled over, as I shared the embarrassing moment. I secretly looked forward to the validation she would give me, as she herself was also a parent of a special needs child. She listened intently, and then nonchalantly responded, “Gitty, don’t worry. Everyone knows that he is crazy!” I couldn’t believe my ears! As much as I knew that she did not intend to hurt me, why in the world would she say something so insensitive? Did the fact that she’s a parent entitle her to say whatever’s on her mind? All I needed was a listening ear! Sometimes people take the liberty to be rude, assuming that it’s okay because they are in the same boat. Or, they use the excuse that they are straightforward people, and therefore they just say what they feel. Neither is ever justified. Whether you are a parent of a special-needs child or not, before you speak, ask yourself, “Would I want someone to say this to me?” S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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2.
Caring instead of staring, versus staring instead of caring!
continued. “I know that you have a son that’s autistic, maybe slow, or is it Down syndrome? I’m not really sure, but I have to tell you that this child is having an effect on your other children. You need to know about this.” I was speechless. Paralyzed rather. How was I supposed to react? Maybe I shouldn’t. Politely, I finished the conversation saying how this class was a difficult one from day one, and wished her good-bye.
I was one of the passersby, watching a bachur with
It was as if I was stabbed with a knife. Was my child
cerebral palsy limping down the street. He was clearly
with special needs really affecting the other children
uncomfortable as he noticed people staring at him
in my family? What was I supposed to do? I kept on
while he passed by. My heart ached for him. I could
repeating to myself that I don’t need to take everything
understand why people would stare, because when
to heart; then, I waited impatiently for my husband to
something is ‘different’, you look twice. I, however,
come home.
understood his pain. You see, I am a mother, and going
I was confused. My eight-year-old daughter is such a
out in the street when my daughter acts ‘different’,
sweetheart. I recalled the time when a new girl came
causes people to stare. But why does it have to be this
into her class and she asked me for a treat to share
way?
with this girl. I remembered when I got a call from the
“Hashem,” I davened in my heart, “please help this
principal that my eleven-year-old daughter excels in
boy overcome his struggles and give him the strength
middos, and derech eretz. She then mentioned that she
to continue in his courageous way.” And that is what
was a star student in every way and she wished that
I continue to do whenever I see someone different.
all the girls would learn from my daughter! I reminded
Instead of staring at them, I say a prayer that Hashem
myself that my six-year-old son had a special needs
should help them.
boy in his class, and recently the child’s father had given my husband the warmest compliment. He said
3.
his son attends cheder on Sundays, and he loved going
Don’t tell me that my children are affected by their 'special' sibling; unless, of course, it’s in a positive way. “Hi Devoiry,” Perry greeted me as I picked up the
phone. “I’m calling you about something important. I actually spoke to a few people before making this call.” My mind was racing. Why would someone from our shul be calling me? “Devoiry, you know that we both have girls in the same class, and the stories that I hear about your daughter are really, uh, silly, or rather childish. An eight-year-old girl should not be acting this way. That is where my research comes into play,” Perry 2 0 | S PA R K S
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to cheder, because my son was his friend. He knew that my son would be there for him for his every need. The father praised my husband for raising such a wonderful, caring child. All these thoughts were coming full force, crowding my mind. So why did I get this phone call? It really inflicted unnecessary hurt and pain. Everyone has their own challenges in life. Some are obvious, while some aren’t. It’s not the situation that affects us most: it’s the attitude. No matter what the challenge might be, big or small, it is up to each individual and how they embrace their lot. That is how it reflects on those around them. So before offering advice, ask yourself, “Will something practical come out of it? Am I being helpful?” If the answer is ‘no’, simply look in to your own life and think about which advice you could give yourself, instead.
4.
Stereotyping is so past-tense!
How much does he understand?” Even if it is prefaced with “May I ask you a personal question?” it is still very unpleasant and awkward. I start feeling like there is a stone in my throat that makes it difficult to answer, and my heart suddenly feels heavy, very heavy. I think to myself, is it really necessary for you to ask? I do my best to answer, but I hope that next time you
“Excuse me, I’m just curious, do ‘these children’ eat,
uh, normally?” I was sitting on the city bus giving my
remember that not everything that’s on your mind, needs to be verbalized,
baby girl a bottle. “Why not?” I asked. “Well, she is Down Syndrome, isn’t she? I know that ‘kronke kinder’ have difficulty with feeding.” Taken aback by her bluntness, I just blurted out the first response that came to mind. “Excuse me, but did you actually think before you asked me this question? So what if my baby has Down Syndrome? That makes her no less capable of drinking her bottle. Her disability doesn’t automatically mean she has trouble feeding, or anything like that… Each child is an individual, a person in his or her own right, regardless which nose, hair, or hair-color, or type of features they possess. Each child comes straight from Hashem with their own unique fingerprint and their own capabilities. There’s no need to stereotype, lumping everyone in the same basket.” And I certainly hoped this woman got the message!
6.
Offering help in the form of an unannounced visit is unfair and unappreciated.
Picture my house on Chol HaMoed Sukkos with
eleven children home all day. Please note, that my baby was three weeks old, with a major respiratory problem that needed monitoring every minute. Use your imagination to visualize what the house looked like, including laundry drying on chairs and railings, with piles of dirty laundry waiting to be washed. There were toys all over the place with various projects
5.
with which the kids started to occupy themselves,
Questions that are too personal make us both feel uncomfortable.
How would you respond if someone asks you what’s
wrong with your face? Or better yet, if they would
dishes overflowing in the sinks, and so on. In the late afternoon, the prime hour of the day, there was a knock on my door. My mother-in-law stood there! She brought along three of her siblings, since she thought that Chol HaMoed was the best time to pay her son, daughter-inlaw and grandchildren a visit. She also assumed she’d be able to lend a hand. She was shocked at the sight that greeted her and so
question what was wrong with your husband? I don’t think you would appreciate that at all. How would you expect me to respond when someone asks me what is wrong with my child or what his disabilities are? “Does he talk? S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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was I… First, she asked to use the bathroom, and soon
those radiant faces, as they step off the bus. I thank
realized that she would have to climb over some piles
Hashem for this gift and daven for the future. That
of laundry to get there. When she went to wash her
day, I was holding my one-and-a-half-year-old baby
hands, she quickly asked for a plunger so that the sink
with CP. He was still an infant, but it was obvious
shouldn’t overflow. And when she wanted to sit down,
that he was very delayed. My neighbor joined in,
well, there weren’t any chairs for her, or for those
waiting for her children’s buses and just blurted
accompanying her. She decided to go into the sukkah
out what she was thinking, saying: “I know I’m not
to try her luck there, but was surprised that there were
giving you any chizuk, but it doesn’t look like he
no sukkah decorations. She simply didn’t understand
is going to walk any time soon.” I was so hurt. I
the situation. Having a baby that needs constant
wasn’t sure why she said what she did. What was
monitoring, meant that you had to pick your priorities,
she trying to tell me, not to be hopeful? I didn’t
and sukkah decorations wasn’t one of them (although I
even notice my four-year-old son getting off the
would’ve loved to have them).
bus. My son took advantage that his mommy was
Baruch Hashem, the supper saved the day. When my
preoccupied, and he ran to the open water hose.
mother-in-law saw the delicious food coming out of
Then he got himself all wet. Because I was very
the oven, she realized that the kids were taken care of.
upset by my neighbor, when I noticed what my
She also realized how happy and calm the kids were.
son did, I yelled at him, took his hand firmly, and
When she left, we parted nicely and wished each other
walked him into the house. My son was so sad, he
gut yom tov. But don’t worry; the story wasn’t over. She
was not used to such a greeting when he got home.
returned a while later with four folding chairs from
I then realized that it wasn’t the real me that yelled;
Amazing Savings so that they should have where to
it was my emotions bubbling over. Because I was so
sit. That was more than I could handle, but I controlled
hurt, I lost it, and my son paid the price. That was
myself! After she left for the second time, I took the
unfair and I was accountable.
chairs and threw them out. She meant to be nice, but it didn’t come out that way.
about. Even though this was a very hectic time
I beg you, dear readers, if the person you are about
when the kids were coming home, I called up that
to visit is a capable person, call to find out if you are
neighbor and told her that I was hurt with what
welcome. Even if you want to help out, check in
she said. At first she didn’t get what I was referring
advance if your assistance is needed. You will know
to, but when I spelled it out for her, she apologized.
from the response if you should come or not. And
Later that night she put an apology note next to my
please don’t bring any chairs!!!
door asking my complete forgiveness. Of course, I
7.
forgave her.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything!
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for me, since keeping hurt inside is detrimental to both parties. Calling my neighbor and discussing it, helped her understand that she needs to be more careful, and it helped me clear the air. This taught me a lesson for the future: when someone uncomfortable you feel, or why it hurt. It would
every day in the afternoon. I take pleasure seeing
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I recall this experience, as being a positive one
makes a tactless comment, gently explain how
I was outside waiting for my kids’ buses as I do
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I then did something that I am really happy
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definitely bring more harmony to the world.
8.
Parents don’t want to be judged by the choices they make.
I was in a very desperate state, trying to see what I
parents immediately need to pursue it. On the other hand, just because parents decide to try something that others don’t agree with, it doesn’t give anyone the right to pass judgment. Just like no one would question a mother who puts her child on a gluten-free diet to heal his digestion issues, so too no one should second guess a mother who commits to a special diet for her developmentally delayed child.
could do to help my little son that was not developing
We must remember to trust that it’s the parent’s
properly. They called it torticollis, but I knew that there
intuition that guides their decisions; that ultimately,
was more to it than met the eye. I spoke to this person
the parents know their child best, and if they err
and to that person. I researched and researched, until
in their choice of therapy or treatment, that is also
I finally decided to follow a certain program. I let
okay!
everyone on our team know of our decision, but the therapists working with my child all had differing opinions. That made it very confusing for me. Some told me that it was a waste of money, some told me to wait until he was older. I felt that behind my back, they considered my expectations unrealistic. Despite all that, I continued being persistent and did see some nice results B”H. As my son progressed, I continued to search for other methodologies that might helpful. Money wasn’t a problem, and whenever I needed to do therapy homework with my son, I simply hired someone to
9.
Letting me know how special I am, makes me feel different.
I was in the emergency
come to my home to do it. It really worked out well. The
room, again, with my active
responses I got though, were contradictory. I was not
little
traveling the globe, or turning my whole family upside
her ADHD and her sensory
down in order to help my child. I was simply going out of
issues, I was kept really busy.
the box to follow my maternal instincts. The principal,
After a half hour of my reading
too, had her doubts about the alternative methods I
stories, singing songs and playing
employed, and this is what I told her. “When my child
cherry-cherry, bang-bang… she
turns eighteen, no matter what he grows up to be, I will
lost it! She got onto the floor
be able to squarely look him in the face and say: ‘My
and started to tantrum. Then
dear son, I did everything in my power to help you!’ I
she started pulling me, pulling
will not look back and say: ‘if only I would’ve tried this,
everything. I was holding onto my
then maybe my son would’ve grown up differently’”.
sheitel for dear life! I tried to keep
daughter.
Between
There are so many different paths, and segulos one
it cool and ignore the fact that
could follow. The options are endless. When all is said
there were many people watching
and done, it is up to the parents to make the final
us. A pleasant middle-aged woman
decision. When someone hears and shares the ‘latest’
came over to me and said, “You are
research, study, or success, it doesn’t mean that the
such a wonderful mother. Is it okay
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if I offer your daughter this fidget spinner? It’s a very good one; it’s heavy and she might really enjoy it! You know, the most difficult part of being in the emergency room, is the waiting. It’s really tough for any child to wait so long,” she continued in a polite tone. The fidget spinner occupied my daughter for a few minutes before she went back to her full-fledged tantrum, but for me it was enough. I felt good. Someone respected me and treated me as just another mother struggling with just another child. She wasn’t spewing the run-on comments I was used to getting; “You’re amazing!” “You’re so special that you kept her!” “I don’t know how you do it!” And on and on and on… Every person under stress with a nisayon gets strength from Above to overcome their challenge. I’m no more special than you are. Letting me know that I am special makes me feel different. I want to be plain good, old me. True, my child did bring out hidden kochos I never knew I had, but I’m sure that everyone would give it their best if the nisayon would be theirs. What would I personally appreciate? Please compliment me on the things everyone appreciates; parenting, cleanliness or a pleasant personality. Everyone could use that. Me too! You too!
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10.
Don’t compare my child to anyone else; just like you don’t want to be compared to anyone else. I was in the park when it happened. It’s not that
something drastic or dramatic happened, but it was painful nonetheless. I was sitting with other mothers, watching our kids playing. My son with autism was only busy putting sand in his mouth and spinning items that came his way. The lady sitting closest to me turned to me in awe and said: “I realize now how amazing it is that my two-year-old daughter is doing everything properly! I never knew how much to appreciate the fact that she is developing normally, but when you see the clear difference (meaning my son) it really is incredible!” I know she meant well, and I understood the sentiment she expressed. I also know she wouldn’t say it if she would be aware that it’s hurtful. And yet, it really hurt. Just because I muster all my self-control and answer politely, you cannot assume that I can
shrug it off. Comparisons are unkind. “Suppose I would like to compare you to someone else. Let’s talk about you – discuss your strengths, weaknesses and how much your parents invested in you, (or could’ve and should’ve). Let’s analyze how much you benefitted from what you were taught. Wouldn’t that be interesting? Maybe I could even tell you what the other person did to become more successful than you, or how the other person made better and more practical choices…” I don’t think too many people would appreciate this conversation! Guess what? I also don’t appreciate when you compare my child to other children. And what if we both have children with special needs? We all have special needs and don’t want to be compared! If you ever do feel a need to say something, think of something positive you could say about my child, and then we will both feel good about it! Generally, people mean well, but they don’t always realize what their words do to the other person.
YOUR WAY TO WELLNESS EF T TAPPI NG - U NL OCKI NG THE P OTE NTI AL F O R A PAI N- F R E E E XI STE NCE
What is EFT Tapping? EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques is a powerful self-help method based on research showing that emotional trauma contributes greatly to disease. Clinical trials have shown that EFT tapping is able to rapidly reduce the emotional impact of memories and incidents that trigger emotional distress. Once the distress is reduced or removed, the body can often rebalance itself, and accelerate healing.
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By: Shoshana Bernstein
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The basic technique requires you to focus on the
However, when I decided to try EFT the child went
negative emotion at hand; a fear or anxiety, a bad
along with it. We worked together for several months
memory, an unresolved problem, or anything else that’s
and the results were incredible. For the first time, the
bothering you. While maintaining your mental focus on
anger and impulsivity went away, the child started
this emotion, you use your fingertips to tap five to seven
getting along with others, and was eventually, along
times on each of the body’s twelve meridian points.
with the assistance of long-term therapy, able to get off
Tapping on these points – while concentrating
medication. Though it took many months, in the end
on accepting and resolving the negative emotion –
there was literally a complete personality overhaul in
accesses your body’s energy, restoring it to a balanced
the child.”
state. Tapping is simple and painless. It can be learned by anyone, and you can apply it to yourself whenever you want, wherever you are.
How Does it Work? The body, like everything in the universe, is composed of energy. Energy circulates through your body along a specific network of channels. You can tap into this energy at any point along the system. Tapping restores the body’s energy balance, and negative emotions are conquered and released. Imagine the body’s energy system as a river. Normally the flow of energy in the body is smooth and even, and all areas of the body receive ample amounts of energy. The trouble starts when negativity creeps in. If you throw enough rocks in the river (I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, etc.) you will create turbulence in some areas, stagnation in others, and wild rapids elsewhere. These imbalances can cause a problem in the corresponding organ, or an inability to take action on what you know takes you closer to your goals. Gently tapping on certain meridian points with the fingertips is used to release stuck energy and balance the energy flow. The physical act of tapping on these meridian points is like gently tapping on rocks in the river until they come loose. This allows the strength of the current to sweep them downstream, thereby releasing even more current to flow downstream. Mrs. Gelly Asovski, LCSW-R has been in practice for fifteen years. EFT is one of the tools she uses: she finds it highly effective for the right situation. She recalls a specific patient for whom tapping provided a major breakthrough. “This child had severe anger issues and was opposed to any other form of therapy. 2 8 | S PA R K S
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A Personal Experience In the course of researching this article, I became intrigued with what I learned. I simply had to experience EFT for myself. I contacted Mrs. Miriam Weiss who, though quick to state that she is not a certified EFT specialist, sings the praises of the technique. She has practiced it both on herself, as well as on friends and family members, and was happy to provide a personal point of reference. I met with Miriam in her home on a Tuesday afternoon. The moment I walked in, I felt comfortable: she is remarkably intuitive. After a quick discussion, we decided to work on my fear of thunderstorms, which I developed after a series of traumatic, weatherrelated events. We rated my fear a ten (the highest on the scale) and came up with a statement for me to repeat (see Want to try EFT?). She guided me through the various meridian tapping points and we did the tapping together. It was quiet and peaceful, and then something strange occurred. I felt an overwhelming sadness overcome me and I found myself close to tears. Miriam explained that anxiety often masks an underlying emotion. Though the event precipitating my fear took place years ago, I had no idea I still felt sad about it! By the time we were done, my fear had diminished to a seven. I found myself actually looking forward to the next thunderstorm, eager to see if I could get back to the place of wonder and inspiration I had once felt when lightning lit up the sky and thunder clapped.
“I’ve had experiences where it’s taken just two or three sessions for someone to resolve a phobia,” Mrs. Weiss shared. “The beauty of EFT is that people can learn and memorize the skill and then have it as a tool for life, free of charge.” Mrs. Hendy Brecher, a friend of Miriam’s, has also adapted EFT as a go-to tool. “I was desperate for something to help me with my weight struggle, especially at night, when I seemed to gravitate to the pantry to nosh on something sweet. The day I did a session with Miriam, I had no cravings at all! I was so amazed, I wanted to find out more.” Mrs. Brecher went to the library where she was able to access an online session with Gary Craig. She found a videoed session, which dealt specifically with weight loss. “They talked about the exact things I was feeling. I was watching total strangers doing a tapping session, and it felt like they were talking to me!” She learned the method and began to practice it, albeit not in a professional capacity. Mrs. Brecher
“The beauty of EFT is that people can learn and memorize the skill and then have it as a tool for life, free of charge.”
used EFT with a woman who came to meet with her, and in the course of their conversation she mentioned a specific fear. “I told her about EFT and we did an informal session for a few minutes. When she left my house the fear was completely gone. In fact, a while later, the same situation arose and remembering what a difference EFT made, she contacted me again. Once again EFT worked.” Mrs. Brecher, like Mrs. Weiss, extols the benefits of EFT, stating that, “It is a beautiful tool, because anyone (so long as they have the ability to comprehend) can do it.” Carol Look is an EFT Master, trained as a Clinical Psychotherapist with a Doctoral Degree in Clinical Hypnotherapy. On her website, carollook.com, she states, “EFT is without a doubt the most elegant, exciting, impressive healing tool I have ever come across in over seventeen years in the mental health field. I have used EFT to help people eliminate many challenges including fears, physical pain, grief, weight loss, physical manifestations of stress, insomnia and more. At times the results are astounding.” Carol cautions that EFT is not a cure all, rather a tool to be used in conjunction with other proven medical methods. It is not meant to replace adequate mental health counseling or physiological testing and
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treatment by authorized and licensed medical doctors. It is also not a technique to be used by inexperienced clinicians or with severely disturbed people.
From Where Does EFT Originate? The concept behind EFT comes from traditional Chinese medicine, which refers to the body’s energy as “chi.” In ancient times the Chinese discovered one hundred meridian points. They also discovered that by stimulating these meridian points, they could promote healing. The development of “emotional acupuncture”, as the tapping methods are sometimes referred to, began with Dr. George Goodheart, a well-known chiropractor in the United States. He valued the benefits of acupuncture, but was looking for something less threatening
and
more
appealing
for his patients. He substituted simple
manual
pressure
for
the acupuncture needles, and found that he could obtain the same beneficial results! In the 1970’s, an Australian
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psychiatrist, John Diamond, M.D., took Dr. Goodheart’s discovery a step further by creating a variation which he called “Behavioral Kinesiology”. Then came a major and astonishing breakthrough. Dr. Roger Callahan, who specialized in anxiety disorders, had been working for over two years with “Mary”. She was a patient of his who had such an overwhelming fear of water that she could not even get into a bathtub without triggering an anxiety attack. Although he had tried many anxiety reduction techniques with her, the progress had been slow and discouraging. She was unable to take her children to the beach or even drive near the ocean. She grew fearful when it rained, and had vivid nightmares involving water. One day, they were sitting outside, the doctor’s backyard swimming pool in sight. Mary’s awareness of the water began to upset her. Dr. Callahan had
Want to try EFT? There are numerous online sources and books available to guide you through learning and integrating EFT tapping skills into your life. Three well-known sites are emofree.org (Gary Craig’s free website) eftuniverse.com and thetappingsolution.com (by the renowned author, Nick Ortner, who wrote a bestselling book on EFT by the same title). But don’t wait. Here is a quick step-by-step guide to experience EFT tapping right now along with a diagram that shows the meridian tapping points: 1. Start by identifying the problem you would like to work on. 2. Rate the intensity of the feeling on a scale of 0 – 10, 10 being most intense
been studying energy meridians associated with acupuncture, so when Mary remarked that she felt sick to her stomach whenever she saw or thought about water, Roger decided to try something new. He knew the stomach meridian began under the eye, so he asked her to tap under her eye while she focused on her fear. After two minutes of tapping, she looked startled and said, “It’s gone.” She actually ran down to the pool and began splashing herself with water, thrilled that her disturbing phobia had disappeared. (Author’s note: Though not every EFT session will result in such an absolute and immediate response, major change can and does happen, as did in this case). Based on this remarkable discovery, Dr. Callahan began working to develop and refine the technique, which he termed Thought Field Therapy. Gary Craig, who trained under Dr. Callahan in the 1990’s, used the concepts and simplified them into a user friendly, easy method he called EFT. EFT uses elements of cognitive therapy and exposure therapy, and combines them with acupressure, in the form of fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points. Thousands of people have since successfully used EFT to cure illnesses and resolve emotional problems.
TIPS Technique •
Tap with your fingertips, not your
fingernails.
•
Use firm but gentle pressure, as if you
were drumming on the side of your desk or testing a melon for ripeness.
•
Use two fingers on smaller, sensitive
areas and four fingers on the wider areas including the head, the collarbone and under the arm.
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3. By either massaging your “sore spot” or by tapping your “karate chop point”, say three times... Even though I have this (insert problem here) ______________, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. 4. Then, tapping on each point approximately seven times and starting from the eyebrow point, tap on each point in the order they appear down the body. After the under-arm point, finish off the cycle at the top of the head. 5. Do this tapping sequence twice along either side of the body 6. Once you have done two rounds of tapping, score the intensity again. The problem could have: a. Disappeared completely - well done! b. Reduced in intensity - do more rounds of tapping, adjusting the wording appropriately (Even though I still feel a bit sad or I have this remaining sadness, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.) c. Changed to something else, or in the case of a physical pain, moved to elsewhere in the body (do further rounds of tapping, adjusting the wording appropriately).
MY EFT
BREAKTHROUGH As told by Mrs. Shira Klein*, Special Education Services Coordinator My involvement in the field of special education predates the birth of my special needs child. He is now six years old, and when he was first born I was prepared to do anything to help him. But the truth is that over the years, the financial and emotional challenge has taken a toll on both me and my husband. It was starting to affect everything in our lives. We began to realize that in order to continue helping our son, we needed to help ourselves
d. Increased in intensity - this is relevant
first. When my husband found out about EFT,
feedback and again alter your wording to fit
it sounded like the perfect plan; a one-time
what you are feeling as you do further rounds
investment, for a lifetime skill. He signed up for
of tapping.
a ten-day training course.
Stop when you feel relief and ready to move on.
As you can imagine, as someone who works in the field, I am extremely involved in my son’s education and with his staff of therapists and
Feeling skeptical? In addition to the thousands of success stories online, statistics and data emphasize the potential power and often-incredible results of EFT.
to date in peer-reviewed medical and psychology journals, demonstrating the effectiveness of EFT. • EFT research includes investigators affiliated with many different institutions in more than ten
• Over five million people a month search online
countries. In the US, these include: Harvard Medical
for “EFT tapping” and related terms, and the five
School, University of California at Berkeley, City
highest-traffic EFT web sites have over two million
University of New York, Walter Reed Military Medical
page views a month. 32
• Over one hundred papers have been published
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teachers. We meet once a month to review his
final round, tapping and repeating only positive
progress (or lack thereof). During one meeting,
thoughts.
I felt like I had just had it. I felt like we had reached a plateau and I was ready to give up. Seeing my misery and dejection one night during my son’s bedtime, my husband pulled me into the room with my son. Sitting with my son in front of us, my husband told me, “Just tap along with me.” He started articulating feelings that were buried deeply within me. “This is so hard. We have put in so much time, effort and money; yet, he is six years old and barely talking.
Let me tell you, it was an extremely intense half hour, but when we finished I felt new, I felt such relief. I hugged and kissed my son and said, “Tatty and Mommy love you so much. We are looking forward to your progress but we love you just the way you are.” I felt a really strong an emotional connection. As I mentioned, this happened at bedtime and in just a little while I was scheduled to have his
It is physically and emotionally draining to have
monthly staff meeting in my house. I was so
to put him to sleep in a crib. Changing his diaper
emotionally drained, I wasn’t sure that I could
at this age is so hard for me.” On and on he went,
pull it off. I was very tempted to cancel but
with me repeating and tapping along.
decided to push myself. In the end it turned out
When we stopped, I burst out crying and cried
to be the most effective team meeting to date. I
and cried and cried. When I calmed down, I dried
found myself out of my self-imposed emotional
my tears and then my husband said, “We are
box, able to step outside of my usual place of
finished with all the negative statements. Now let’s counter them with positive statements.” Together, we continued tapping and repeating, “Even though we have spent so much money, it is okay since he has made great strides. Yes, he isn’t talking much, but he is definitely progressing with his speech and communicating his needs. Although he still sleeps in a crib, he is certainly
inner turmoil. I was finally able to clearly focus on my son’s needs. The results we subsequently saw from that meeting were amazing. That was seven months ago. The experience was truly life altering. I have found something invaluable, but free; something I can do for myself, anytime, anywhere and feel better
coming closer to the understanding of sleeping
afterwards! I have started incorporating EFT
safely in a bed. We finally reached the stage
into other aspects of my life as well, and I am
where were considering toilet-training.” Together
amazed by how simple and effective it is.
we listed the things he could do. We then did a
*name changed to protect privacy
Center, Texas A&M University, JFK University.
• EFT has been researched by more than sixty
Institutions in other countries whose faculty have
investigators, whose results have been published in
contributed to EFT research include Staffordshire
more than twenty different peer-reviewed journals
University (United Kingdom), Lund University
including: Journal of Clinical Psychology, the APA
(Sweden), Ankara University (Turkey), Santo Tomas
journals Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice,
University (Philippines), Lister Hospital (England),
Training and Review of General Psychology, and
Cesar Vallejo University (Peru), Bond University
the oldest psychiatric journal in North America,
(Australia), and Griffith University (Australia).
the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease.
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B y: Chav i Nu ssb au m
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I
t’s a miracle I can hear the phone ringing over the
authoritatively.
smoothie recipe.” “Oooh, yum! Tell me!” A pause.
“It
works,
I’m
telling you.”
“I can eat it in, like, eight weeks.
I refuse to laugh. “Maybe I’ll try
Katzenberg, Shaindel.
Unless I’m overdue. Not that I’m
some beets,” I say. “That should
I pick up. “Hi,” I yell over
counting or anything.”
turn it red.”
sound of the blender.
I laugh reluctantly. “You don’t
“Sure, I always say, beets improve
are
want this kind of smoothie. I’m
everything.” She pauses and then
you doing gut renovations, or
making it for Shimmy. A new
says, “Is this from the same guy
something?”
nutrition program I’m trying.”
who recommended that liquid diet
the roar.
“Very
“Woah,
funny.”
Esther,
I
switch
off
thing last year?”
“What’s in it?”
the blender. “Though with the
“All sorts of things,” I try to say
wreckage Shimmy created this
vaguely, but she waits expectantly,
morning, it does look like it.”
and I burst out, “Chard, collard
Shaindy clucks. “That kind of morning again?”
oil. And strawberries!” I finish
“Every morning is that kind of morning.” She
sighs
and
greens, nutritional yeast, hemp
tries
again.
“Seriously, what was that noise? It
Forget it, I am not telling her about my plan to go to Argentina. “No! Shaindy… you just don’t understand.” “Hey, I’m the one on this whole fancy diet here.” She sighs. “You
defensively. “To make it sweet!” “Ah.” It’s not often that Shaindy
know, before I got married, I was so
is stunned into silence. “And is it?
normal.” Normal? Ha. Shaindy was
Sweet, I mean?”
perfect – the perfect family, the
sounded like a helicopter landing
“I didn’t taste it,” I mutter.
perfect resume, the perfect catch.
on your house.”
“Shimmy will eat it?”
“Now I’m this hormonal, exhausted
I glower at the blender like it
“I don’t know.” I stare at the
basket case who can’t even eat
has personally wronged me. “Just
blender, then at the latest foot-
normally. Everyone else in shana
the blender. I’m making a new
sized gouge in the sheetrock. I have
rishona is cooking nine-course
to find a way to get Shimmy to eat
dinners…” She trails off.
this. “I figured if it was red he would be willing to eat it. That’s why I put in the strawberries. Organic strawberries, of course. But it’s still
“Yeah, well, gestational diabetes is temporary.” Quiet. “I’m sorry,” Shaindy says, finally. I grit my teeth and reach for the
green.” 40,”
beets. “Well, if this works… maybe
says Shaindy
Shimmy’s stuff will be temporary
“Red
too!”
••• I’m standing still and staring at the playroom carpet when I hear Moish’s car pull up. It’s getting dark
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phone. “They
messed
up the first installation. It’s not my out, and if you squint, the stain kind of blends in. Blends in, ha. I hear Moish come in and I just wait for him, right there in the playroom near the big, beet-red stain, so he can ask and we can get it over with as soon as possible. He looks, and thinks, and finally says, “So… the nutrition thing didn’t work.”
You can’t always fix everything,” he says. Then he disappears, so I can’t even argue with him.
fault dye lots change! I’m calling them right now.” Moish doesn’t move. “You can try,” he says calmly. “I already did, many times. This is how they work.” I can practically feel my blood jumping through my veins as I pick up the phone; that adrenalin surge I get when I commit myself to solve a problem. “Well,” I say determinedly, “this is how I work.”
•••
“It’s not the nutrition thing that
In
didn’t work,” I flare, even though I know it’s not his fault. “It’s Shimmy who won’t do the work!” Moish is silent for a beat, then says, “Well, I actually got a call from the carpet place today, about the problem with the living room carpet. They’re coming tomorrow morning. Does that work for you?” I struggle for composure. “Should be okay. Thanks for taking care of it.” “And don’t worry about the playroom. I told them to replace the playroom carpet too, anyway.” “What?” The living room carpet wasn’t installed properly and it’s coming up in places; the playroom was installed okay. “Why would
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they do that? Isn’t it going to be exactly the same carpet?” “Exactly the same, just a different dye lot. Plus what we have now has been exposed for six months already. The rooms are contiguous, so if we don’t replace the playroom also, it will look funny.” I shrug. “Okay, I guess that’s what happens if you don’t install it properly the first time.” Moish looks up. “The living room and hallways they’re doing free of charge, but we’re paying for the playroom.” “What!” He shrugs. “No way.” I stride toward the
our
family,
emergencies
always happen on Shabbos, so I settle down in the ER with a kind of
resigned
acceptance.
Then
Shaindy comes in. “Wow, Shaindy, how did you know I was here?” Shaindy blinks, and then I notice her husband hovering behind her. “Esther?” Her voice is strange. “How did you know I was here?” Shaindy’s
husband
sweeps
her forward to triage and they disappear
behind
a
curtain.
“Katzenberg,” I can hear him say. “K-AT-Z…” Oh my, I hope she’s okay. She looks okay. Right? But you don’t come to the ER on a Friday night if you’re okay! I should do something. Does
she need help? Will I be intruding?
Laundry
discount? We don’t owe them a
Is the baby okay? I always thought
Potato kugel
penny!”
gestational diabetes was no big
Challah
deal!
Pastries for Shaindy’s kiddush
me, I argued with them. There’s
Call Duvy’s Morah
nothing to do about it.”
Not that I bothered to think about it too much. Shaindy was the greatest girl, married the best boy,
Moish shakes his head. “Trust
Schedule Shimmy ENT
That’s where he’s wrong. “There’s always something to do.”
appointment
had a dream wedding, always had
Call carpet installers
everything under control.
Does anyone ever finish a To-Do
anything. But he pokes his head
list? I’m doing things all day, but
back through the doorway to add,
my list gets mysteriously longer
“You can’t always fix everything.”
instead of shorter.
Then he disappears, so I can’t even
That was the goal: to have everything
under
control.
Gestational diabetes, big deal. How had I fallen into the trap of thinking her life was perfect? The curtain parts and a stretcher appears. Shaindy’s husband strides rapidly
alongside
it,
forehead
Moish shrugs and doesn’t say
Moish walks in. “I’ve figured out why it’s called a ‘list,’” I tell him.
argue with him. I hate it when he does that.
“Because just looking at it makes
•••
you feel listless.” Moish laughs. “Anything I can help with?” He glances over my
“How’s the new mother?”
I sink down beside Shimmy’s bed.
shoulder. “Laundry, potato kugel,
Shaindy laughs and groans at the
He’s stable now, but we’ll probably
challah, not my forte. Want me to
same time. “You know how it goes.
be stuck here for Shabbos.
call the ENT? Wait, what’s with the
Baruch Hashem.”
knotted. Worried? Afraid?
And Shaindy? Is she stable? Of course she is. She’ll be fine. It’s her first baby. She’s probably just overreacting. She’ll be down here
“I’m
carpet people?” “I need to call them. About the playroom.”
spontaneously,
lunch,” as
if
I
my
subconscious had planned this all along and it’s just my conscious self
later, sheepish and apologetic, and
replacing the playroom carpet. I
that had to catch up. “Tell me what
we’ll schmooze the rest of Shabbos
thought we talked about this.”
you want. Bagels? Ziti? I know
potato
kugel
from
the
Bikur
Cholim closet. But in the end Shimmy gets discharged early Shabbos morning,
looks
you
“They’re
over canned gefilte fish and cold
He
say
bringing
confused.
“Yeah, but I don’t want to pay for it. Why should we have to pay for
about the chocolate milkshake already.”
it? If they had done the living room
Shaindy laughs again. Why does
right the first time, we wouldn’t
she sound so strained? “No, no, it’s
need to redo the playroom now.”
fine. I’m fine. Really. Just tired, new mother stuff. Baruch Hashem, not
and I wheel him back home in time
Moish sighs. “Yeah, I know. But
for the seudah, so it’s not until
I talked to them a million times
Motzei Shabbos that I get the call.
already. They gave us a discount on
“I know you’re not complaining!”
Mazel tov! It’s a girl!
the playroom, twenty percent. But
I feel inexplicably angry. “I want to
I don’t think we’re going to –”
bring you a nice lunch. A kimpeturin
•••
“Discount? Who cares about a
complaining.”
has to eat!”
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grace that she lost expecting Her pause
makes
me anxious. Is there something going on? “You’re going to shlep Shimmy out and everything?” “Shimmy’s at school.” Why is she making excuses? “Shaindy?” I’m at a loss for how to ask this. “Is something… wrong?” “Wrong?” That laugh again. “No, why do you think something’s wrong?” “Well,” I say, picking my words carefully,
“your
good
friend
announced that she’s bringing you an amazing, nourishing, delicious, hot, fresh lunch – and you’re not letting her come over.” “Oh.” Shaindy’s quiet. “Sorry.” More quiet. Then a sigh. “Well, if you’re going to imagine the worst I’ll just tell you… I wasn’t in the mood of talking about it yet… but…” I knew it. I knew it! Something went
wrong
in
the
delivery,
something is wrong with the baby, and now Shaindy is going to have a Shimmy – a SHIMMY! Shaindy! “… but the diabetes didn’t go away.” That was so not what I was
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to hear, I couldn’t process it. “What?” “The diabetes. Usually it goes away after delivery… but in some cases it doesn’t… and I’m one of
when the diabetes hit. “What are you going to do?” I ask finally. “Do?” Her voice sounds strange. “What can I do? But it doesn’t matter… I’m pretty sure I can still have a fairly good life!”
those cases.”
•••
I’m silent. “Esther, you’re the first person I’m telling. I didn’t tell anyone yet, because I don’t want to have to deal with their reactions.” “What?” It’s like the only thing I can say.
“And then I’ll have to comfort them, and say, ‘Oh, it’s not so bad, there are worse things.’ Which is true, but…”
the old carpet and the new. Moish is right: they’re not exactly
carpet in our house is already six months old, but stain or no stain, the playroom needs to be replaced. It would just look weird otherwise. I guess twenty percent is better
I know! “So I can’t really accept your offer of ziti and milkshakes, much as I would love to… I have to stick with my special diet, like before. Esther, are you there?” I clear my throat. “I’m here.” “You’re not saying anything.” That’s because I, of all people, there
isn’t
really
anything to say. I think of the elaborate shana rishona
can’t resist comparing the colors of
dye lot thing or just because the
I know!
that
try to stay out of their way, but I
the same. I don’t know if it’s the
“Like, the pity, you know?”
know
When the carpet guys show up I
dinners
that
Shaindy
misses preparing and the flawless
than nothing. I stay in the kitchen, cooking, while the men work. By the time they’re done I have Shaindy’s lunch ready to go – baked potatoes, broccoli
and
cheese,
avocado-
blueberry pudding. (I resist the faint urge to add some chard.) As the guys finish working I
watch
from
the
playroom
doorway, breathing in the smell of new carpet. They hand Moish an invoice, and he casts me an
anxious glance as he pays them.
“It’s for Shimmy,” I say stiffly.
But I don’t say anything.
“Oh…”
Even after they leave I stand
Mira
looks
“Yeah…
there’s
an
institute
confused.
there that I think can help
“That’s… nice! I could never get
Shimmy. They do craniosacral
in the playroom for a long time,
therapy combined with a kind
staring down at the brand-new
of advanced yoga routine. It’s
carpet, where there is no longer
supposed to normalize the blood
even the memory of a stain.
flow throughout the body and
But all I can think of is, that perfection, like control, is just an illusion.
••• Sometimes I just need to get out of my head and out of my house, which is why I find myself in Kosher Market on Wednesday. That’s what we’ve come to – a “break”
means
going
to
the
grocery store instead of having
improve brain function.”
I didn’t tell anyone yet, because I don’t want to have to deal with their reactions
Mira is silent. “They
offer
program
with
a
four-week
long-distance
follow-up afterward.” Why do I feel like I have to defend myself? “My husband could take some time off of work, maybe my mother could help out. I would love to go with someone though.” I tilt my head toward Yirmi. Surely Mira could understand? “Yirmi’s made tons of progress
the groceries delivered. Still, I’m
lately,” Mira says, as though she
alone – that counts for something.
hasn’t heard a word. “We switched
I meet Mira by the tomatoes.
OTs, and it’s really helping. Right,
She’s not alone; Yirmi is sitting
Yirmi?” Yirmi looks up and gives
in the cart, slumped over the
Yirmi to eat something like that!”
her a slow, slanted smile. Mira
handlebar.
She smiles fondly at Yirmi. “He
lights up. “You see! I told you!” She
survives on pretzels. Or should I
laughs in delight and pulls Yirmi
say, I survive because he survives
close. As close as his crash helmet
on pretzels!”
allows, anyway.
“Esther, wow, long time no see! How are you?” “Good, Baruch Hashem. You?” Mira glances at my cart. “Baby kale?” I shrug. “A
fancy-salad
lady
you
became,” she teases. “Since when do you have time to read the magazines?”
My thoughts are all jumbled
I watch her walk away.
up; maybe this is a mistake, but
Progress,
maybe Mira could understand
perfection.
better than Shaindy. “I’m thinking of going to Argentina,” I blurt. Mira “Argentina?”
looks
shocked.
she
said.
Not
Then I count to ten. Look around to make sure no one is watching. And put the baby kale back on the shelf.
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Q&A
With Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW
T
he following is a loosely transcribed excerpt from a question and answer session with R' Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW that took place during Rayim’s Shabbos Retreat.
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There are no definite, one-size-fits-all answers to the questions presented here. However, we can try to address each question to the best of our a b i l i t y a n d t h e l i s t e n e r s c a n a p p ly w h a t e v e r i s r e l e va n t t o t h e m … ”
Q:
Our special-needs child disrupts
need too much one-on-one time, as long as it
our Shabbos table each and every
is quality, “me, time”.
week. When he leaves for a Shabbos, the
Another opportunity that such a Shabbos
children feel the difference and express their
presents, is for parents to discuss with their
resentments towards him.
children their feelings about their special-
A:
I once had a parent share with me
needs sibling. The most important part of the
that his son – a sibling of a child
discussion is listening.
Listening intently
with terminal cancer – expressed himself
and uninterruptedly to the child is the most
once, “I wish I would’ve been sick”. He went
valuable tool in therapy. When hearing the
on complaining about how much attention
frustration in the child’s words, validate
‘Moishy’ gets, how often his parents sleep
it, and just continue questioning about the
over in the hospital with ‘Moishy’. His inner
difficulty of having a sibling with special
voice, his soul, was crying, “What about me??”
needs. Continue asking and listening, on and
Therefore, to address that yearning for
on, without offering any advice or ideas. You
attention, a Shabbos without the special-
might be surprised at how much your child
needs child home gives the parents an
will share, including incidents he experienced
important opportunity. It is a time to give
years earlier. After your child has expressed
personal attention and quality time to every
himself and released all the negative
single child in the family. A child doesn’t
emotions, you’ll notice the absolute relief it
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will result in, without you having provided the
functioning and thinking takes place. Deeper
advice or solutions. Hug and kiss your child to
inside, is the subconscious area of the person’s
reinforce your love and your total acceptance of
brain, where all the feelings and emotions
everything the child expressed.
happen. That area doesn’t process logic or time.
Q:
Fair is not equal and equal is not fair.
the future, he might have feelings of dread or
How do we explain this to our children,
anxiety taking him over in the present, even
when they feel jealousy towards their special-
if that situation hasn’t occurred yet. That is
needs sibling?
because his subconscious thinking does not
A:
This question is actually relevant to
If we compare the person’s energy levels to
when there’s a child with special needs in the
that of a gas tank, we know that a tank can
family, this issue becomes a lot more pressing.
only supply gas to the engine as long as it has
A common question in the world of psychology
unable to function. We, as parents, generally put the needs of
When parents spend time with their child, the
our family before our own, requiring lots of
child interprets that as love.
physical and emotional energy on our part.
When a sibling of a special-needs child
However, Hashem has created us in a way
expresses jealousy of the support, gifts and
that our executive thinking does not function
privileges the sibling receives, it might be helpful
when we operate on an empty ‘tank’. When this
to sit down and discuss it with him. You may
happens, a person will naturally begin relying
want to make that child aware that he could’ve
on the inner, subconscious area of the brain.
been the child born with the disability instead
This will subsequently cause him to exhibit
of his sibling. You can take it a step further, and
feelings of anxiety and guilt, and expressions
discuss graphically what might have transpired
of negative energy.
in shamayim before they were born. Perhaps his
person’s energy levels are depleted, the act of
sibling offered to take the disability instead of
“displacement” may occur. For example, when a
him; how fortunate and grateful he should feel.
person is angry at his boss, but cannot express
Of course, all of this has to be age-appropriate
it to him personally, he might take his anger out
and in tune with the nature and sensitivities of
on his child.
Q:
Furthermore, when a
When one experiences these scenarios, it’s critical to refill the ‘gas tank’. Ask yourself: Am
As parents, how should we deal with
I getting adequate sleep? Did I eat nutritious
our feelings of guilt when we ‘lose it’
food today? When we stay attuned to our basic
with our special-needs child, or our frustration
human needs, we enable our cortex, our logical
with our other children for what we perceive as
thinking, to counteract any feelings of guilt
their lack of understanding?
or inadequacy. So, remember to take care of
A:
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gas inside. Once the tank is empty, the engine is
Ph.D. explains that love to a child means TIME.
the child being spoken to.
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process logic or a sense of time.
any home with a family of children, but
is, “What does love mean to a child?” Dr. Twerski,
42
When a person worries about something in
As parents, it’s very easy for us to
yourself first, so that you can take care of your
slip down that slippery slope called
family.
guilt. But, let’s discuss how guilt works on a
On a simpler note, it’s good to bear in mind
physiological level. The front part of the brain,
the general concept that when a person takes
the cortex, also known as the conscious asocial
an exam for a degree or license, nobody expects
thinking, is where all the person's executive
him to score a straight 100%. When one scores an
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gave us this challenge and we will im yirtzeh Hashem take care of this child to the best of our ability.” Or you may try, “Thank you so much for
The complex dynamics o f c l o s e f a m i ly r e l at i o n s h i p s w i t h i n our frum world, sometimes affects our marriage and our ability to make decisions as a couple.
your advice; I appreciate how much you care.” A grandparent may want to insist on the help or advice she wants to give, but continuing this type of grounding, will help them feel that you’re doing okay. Eventually, it will create the separation you need to function as a healthy couple. The complex dynamics of close family relationships within our frum world, sometimes affects our marriage and our ability to make decisions as a couple. Therefore, when a couple is faced with a challenge like this, they are forced to create the necessary separation that is
average grade, it reflects their basic knowledge of the material. Similarly, we shouldn’t rate ourselves based on our infrequent failures, because when it comes to the big picture we can Baruch Hashem include many positive experiences we are proud of.
Q:
When grandparents or close family members don’t accept or understand
the gravity of the situation, how do we deal with advice, criticism or judgment?
A:
Firstly, we have to realize that, as frum yidden, we are very family oriented and
we all regard ourselves as part of “one family”. Therefore, when a parent realizes a child has a disability, a grandmother or aunt will take it personally and naturally feel like, “Hey, this is my einikel”, or “This is my niece”. They feel like a part of the process. They worry for the child, feel protective, etc. All of these messages demonstrate how much they care about us. But, inadvertently the boundaries often become blurred.
essential for a healthy marital relationship. In the event grandparents aren’t emotionally capable of accepting their children’s decisions and requests for help, we should realize that it’s just an expression of their inner pain. Their sarcasm and negativity often mask their awkwardness and inability to face reality. Let’s remember that along with the challenge, Hashem granted parents of special-needs children, special kochos and understanding that the extended family does not possess. Furthermore, while the parents deal with the hardship of raising their special needs child, the grandparents feel like they are dealing with the additional challenge of watching the parents, their children, suffer. On a practical note, it is worthwhile to maintain a balance with close family members by sharing certain bits of positive news
and
milestones.
happy It
makes them feel like
It may be very helpful to tell parents in such cases, “I understand that you’re worried, and I thank you so much for caring about us, but right now Hashem S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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they’re not in the dark and have no cause to
We can practice that with all our children
worry needlessly. On the other hand, sharing
using the words, tone and body language that
too much might blur the boundaries and cause
the rude kids would employ. For example, you
them to be overly interested and involved.
would say to your child, “Your friend might tease you saying ‘you’re as crazy as your brother’
Q:
How can we change our children’s sense
or ‘look, two crazy kids are walking together’”.
of embarrassment when identifying
Then, we can use another tactic called role play
themselves as siblings of a special-needs child?
and practice with the child. The approach can
A:
When
we
acceptance
model of
our
unconditional
include answering back, word for word, the
special-needs
same sentences that other children would use
child, when we demonstrate our lack of self-
to tease your child. For example:
consciousness and pride, we pave the way for our children to follow our example. Recently, there was a study conducted to determine how much of what we say is absorbed by our children, and which parts of our speaking impacts them the most. The communication was divided in to three basic categories: Body language and facial expression Tone of voice Actual words The study showed that 55% of what we communicate is based on our body language, 38% is based on tone of voice, and only 7% is related to the actual words spoken. In other words, when walking on the street
The study showed t h at 5 5 % o f w h at w e c o m m u n i c at e is based on our body l anguage, 38% is based on tone of voice, a n d o n ly 7 % i s r e l at e d t o t h e actual words spoken.
with your kids, your body language is going to convey 55% of your message. If you’re tense and nervous, stressed out about having to be seen in public with your special-needs child, your children will sense that, and internalize it. A parent doesn’t need to ‘change’ a child’s attitude towards their sibling; the parent’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with the special needs child, will teach him everything. Another line of reasoning that I’d like to point out: kids are kids and they will make
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Parent in role play says, “You’re as crazy as you’re brother.” The child in role play responds, “You’re as crazy as your brother.” You answer him, “You’re trying to imitate me.” The child responds, “You’re trying to imitate me.”
mistakes and make hurtful comments to
And so on; your child uses the same words a
your children. We can’t avoid that, but we can
kid might use bouncing it back and forth. The
empower our children to handle the situation
effectiveness of preparing and role playing
properly. In therapy, when we deal with a child
with your child using this approach can be very
who is struggling socially and is being ridiculed
empowering to him. It gives him the shield he
or bullied by his peers, we use a tool which
needs to feel protected and equipped against
“prepares” him for what might happen at school.
any form of bullying.
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in
perspective Featuring: The Power of One If There Is A Will There Is A 'Way' The Wallet S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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A
By: Israel Fried
n accomplished writer, while writing a biography of the famous symphony conductor, Arturo Toscanini, called and asked Toscanini if he could pay him a visit. The great maestro told him that he was busy that night. He planned to listen to a radio program play a concert whose songs he had composed the previous year. The writer asked if he could join him and then discuss
the concert. Toscanini agreed on condition that he would not be disturbed or distracted by the writer’s presence during the program. That evening they sat together and listened to the performance intently. When it was over, the writer exclaimed in awe, “Wasn’t that magnificent?” “No,” Toscanini answered disappointedly. “There were supposed to be one hundred twenty musicians, among them fifteen violinists, but I could tell that only fourteen were present.” The writer could not believe his ears, but did not dare question the great maestro. However, he wanted to verify if Toscanini was right. The next morning, he called the director of the orchestra and asked him how many musicians were supposed to be in the orchestra, and how many had actually shown up. The director told him that there were supposed to be one hundred twenty musicians, but one of the fifteen violinists called in sick. The writer was in awe. He could not possibly understand how Toscanini could have noticed the missing sound of one violin. That night he returned to Toscanini and asked him how he was able to discern the missing notes in an orchestra of one hundred twenty instruments. Toscanini answered with authority, and said, “There is a great difference between you and me. As part of the audience, everything sounds beautiful to you. But I, as composer and conductor, have written this piece of music down to the tiniest detail, and when a note is missing, I hear it". In a symphony of a thousand musical notes, every note makes a difference – but it’s only the conductor who can recognize and appreciate it. This true anecdote offers us profound insight into how Hashem runs the world, with hashgacha pratis. We may not notice the degree to which another person studies Torah or observes the mitzvos, for we are part of the audience. But to the Conductor of the World Symphony, Who knows every note of music that one has potential to play, every machshavah, every word, every action makes a huge difference. Each detail is recognized, recorded and valued. Although we live in an era where we can be led to believe that we understand all that we see and hear, it’s important to remember that we are only part of the audience. We are spectators. The person notes and sounds each individual creates is listened to and heard by the One On High. In times of hardship, let us not lose our strength. Let this message serve as a chizuk to us whenever we have to make the better choice and push ourselves a little harder. Maybe, just maybe, that’s the one small prayer or pe'ulah that Hashem is waiting for. Maybe this one extra bit of struggle or pain is the one note missing in your personal song. In the magnificent symphony of your life, your tafkid, only you can compose the chorus of your unique avodah, acceptance and ahavas Hashem. Shiri lo shir chadash… S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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only eight. Clear violation of regulations, y’know. How Dear Reader,
do you respond to that charge, sir?” The young man rose and addressed the judge
Please read the following selection and
respectfully. “Your Honor, may I be so bold to suggest
answer the question below. Your answer
something practical? My car is parked downstairs in
will not be graded, but knowing the right
front of the courthouse. Would Your Honor be kind
one will make a difference in your life. You
enough to come down and see for himself if this charge
do not have to hand in the answer sheet,
makes any sense? How would sixteen people be able to
since it belongs only to you. Good - Luck!
fit into my minivan?” The judge obliged, and followed by Officer Roberts, the young man in question, the clerk and the rest of his
T
he courtroom was quiet. True, it was only a motor vehicle violation. But a judge’s presence, and that moment when one human being decides the fate of another,
always results in silence. Even if its only a fine or points on a license, it’s still judgement. So, this is how the story goes. The judge tells the young man, “Officer Roberts here has issued you a ticket for having sixteen people squeezed into your Toyota Sienna that seats
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entourage, he made his way downstairs. When they reached the street and the spot where the car was parked, the young man clicked his car keys, opened the door, and allowed the judge to look inside. The judge squinted and shook his head. The guy was right. He could not see how so many people could’ve been seated in this van. He then proceeded, with the authority vested in him, to ask passersby to stop and sit in to the van. By the time the ninth passerby sat in, it was tight. The tenth person the judge stopped was
IF THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A 'WAY'
By: M. Deutsch
downright uncomfortable and raised his eyebrows in
the other hand were heading to our rebbe for slichos.
surprise. “You want me to squeeze into that crowded
We all were determined to get there. We got up
van?” he asked skeptically. “No way I fit in there.”
really early and when we sat in, we inhaled, exhaled,
The judge motioned that it was time to head back
turned, twisted and maneuvered ourselves in a way
up into the courtroom, the real place for thinking
that enabled everyone to join the ride. Each one of
and reason. Once in his chambers, he pounded his
us not only wanted to get there, we also desperately
gavel and in a confident voice announced, “Case
wanted our friends to get there. Suddenly, there was
dismissed.”
a lot more space.”
The assembled dispersed and the young man left with a triumphant smile. Once outside the young man felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see Officer Robert standing next to him. “Your shpiel with the judge was very clever. You got away with it this time. But you and I know that when I stopped you, I really did count sixteen passengers in your van. How did you manage to fit them all in?” The young man smiled and explained. “When the judge asked passersby to sit into my van, they were random people with no special interest in the matter, or in each other, except to oblige the judge. We, on
Please answer the following reading. Base your answer on the selection above and the wisdom you’ve gleaned from your life experiences.
Moral of the story: A - If you want something really badly, with a little extra effort you can make it happen. B - It’s important to make place for others “on the ride”. C - There’s always much more to what we see, than meets the eye. D - All of the above!
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Wallet The
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By: M. Deutsch
T
world
of call. He would take his wallet! Cash or credit
was something he had planned
card, he would buy whatever he needed in each
for a very long time. He knew
place, once he got there. He wouldn’t shlep, he
retirement was going to be his
would travel light in every sense of the word….
time to reward himself for a
Exhale.
he
cruise
around
the
lifetime of hard work and careful spending. Now, all that was left to do was pack.
We travel the journeys and voyages of life, with many stops along the way. We visit shores
He thought of the cities in the cold climates
we never knew existed, and we are awed by
he was going to visit. There were stops in
the beauty of the panoramas we behold. We
Alaska, Iceland, and glaciers in the Arctic
experience
Circle. He would need a warm parka, gloves,
extreme heat and extreme cold, fear, joy,
hats, boots, thermal leggings; the list was long.
exhilaration, and wonder. Hashem has given
He would be going to islands in the Carribbean,
each one of us our own unique itinerary, and
the Bahamas, Costa Rica, and the tropical
we all traverse different lands, at different
jungles in Southeast Asia. Insect repellent,
times. What to take along?
seasickness,
motion
sickness,
sunscreen, light clothing, sandals, and a straw
For every moment, for every matzav, every
hat, were definitely a must. And those were
dilemma and every decision, we need only
only for some of the things he needed for some
have our wallet, our siddur and Tehillim! Which
of the destinations, in addition to the basics.
therapy? Which treatment? Which approach?
He had already included sweaters, sneakers,
How much, for how long, at what cost? How to
nightwear, toothpaste, slippers, a raincoat,
ease the pain? How to travel with less baggage?
radio, swimwear, camera; it was endless. How
There’s always an answer. Tefillah! Looking for
was he ever going to manage with so much
clarity? For direction? For peace of mind? Talk
baggage? Beads of sweat rolled down his
to your loving Father. He’s waiting for you to
forehead and his temples were throbbing. This
reach out. Need to unburden? To explain? To
was becoming very overwhelming. Wasn’t this
share? The words are there, articulating your
supposed to be fun?
emotions. Full of gratitude and simcha? Take
He sat and contemplated. There must be a better way to travel. There must be a way to
those feelings and express them with song and a prayer that speaks of hope for the future.
do this in style. Then inspiration struck! Bingo!
We are blessed. Our “wallets”, our connection
The solution was so simple and obvious. He
to Hashem, enables us to have exactly what we
would take along only one item, the only thing
need every stop of the way. Here’s to a beautiful
that was necessary no matter where his port
journey.
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By: Dini Landau
PILLARS of STRENGTH Strength and courage shared by three determined mothers
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he following three interviewees are parents of special needs children. Their trials and triumphs are similar to what most parents go through while raising a special needs child. What distinguishes these children is the common thread they share; their healthy ‘regular’ appearance belies the disabilities they contend with. That is a gift that makes life easier in many ways, yet the flip side of the coin is surprising. It is often more difficult to get services, school placement, and most importantly, understanding and sympathy. May these courageous and determined women serve as role models to yiddishe mamehs, everywhere, every day.
Tell us a little about the time that led up to your child’s diagnosis? Esther Schapiro*: Our beautiful
suggested that I evaluate her through
Baby girl was born on a balmy morning.
Early Intervention.
Our excitement and happiness knew
I was lacking even the most basic
no bounds as she gave us that glorious
understanding of development. All I
title ‘parents’. From the very beginning,
knew was that she was our first baby,
there was no quiet or rest; she was an
and she cried all the time. Who knew
extremely colicky baby. The first six
or noticed her development? An Early
months of her life, Rivkah didn’t sleep
Intervention assessment determined
for more than forty to sixty minutes at a
that
time. She also had digestive difficulties,
delayed and lacked basic eye contact.
which caused her a lot of stomach pain
She had low muscle tone and was given
and discomfort.
OT and PT.
Rivkah
was
At this point,
developmentally
When Rivkah was three months old, a
When she was eleven months old,
family member mentioned that perhaps
given her lack of awareness and
she cried so much because she is not
play skills, my service coordinator
able to process sensory input properly,
recommended a special-ed evaluation
and is therefore uncomfortable. She
for her.
At this point, I began
*Names have been changed to protect identity. However, should anyone like to contact any of our interviewees for further information or guidance, they can do so by reaching out to the Rayim office.
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wondering if there was some underlying issue I wasn’t
approved for twenty hours of ABA and additional
picking up. Rivkah was still not acknowledging us; it
related services.
was as if we were strangers to her. If she hurt herself,
I also went to the library, and took out every book
She started crawling after many
under the topic of autism, sensory processing disorder,
months of OT, but she had no direction; the crawling
ADD/ADHD, alternative techniques for the challenging
was aimless and she would sometimes go in circles, or
child, biomedical treatment, and the like. I geared up
bump in to objects, people, or walls. Since my sister-
with knowledge, and knowledge is power, especially
in-law has a child with autism, I began realizing that
when we are lucky enough to have the added benefit of
Rivkah exhibited certain similar behaviors. I shared
emunah, bitachon and tefillah.
she hardly cried.
my concerns with a friend who was in with the specialed field, and she explained to me the difficulty of diagnosing ASD at such a young age. She mentioned
Yocheved Reich*: My son Yehuda was a challenge since the day he was born. At two days old, when we
a study being conducted on younger children that
came home from the hospital, he lifted his head up,
involved a new eye-tracking technology. It would
off my mother’s shoulder and looked up and down the
enable a child to get a diagnosis at an earlier age.
block. My mother looked at him in shock, and then
The study was directed by Dr. Ami Klin, a professor
immediately told me, “Don’t ask me to babysit him.” And
at Marcus Autism Center, in Atlanta, GA. A timely
I never did!
diagnosis would mean that Rivkah would be entitled
From there on he developed like any other child. He
to more therapy and support, a critical factor for a child
reached his milestones on time, and he even said his
with developmental delay. With great siyatta d’shmaya,
first four words at eleven months of age. But that was
Rivkah was accepted into the study, free of charge.
it for the next few years. Once he reached toddlerhood,
At the conclusion of the study, we sat down to
he became very behaviorally challenging. Since he
discuss feedback and recommendations. Since they
couldn’t express himself, if he would need something, he
were not ready to give any specific diagnosis, they
would bite my knee. His play-group teachers described
strongly encouraged us to get more therapy, and push
him as a worker-bee who never stops moving; but it
for as much as possible. Our little girl was in a world
seemed like his only job was to destroy everything he
of her own. They emphasized, that as our child’s best
came in contact with.
advocates, we should never take no for an answer.
Our pediatrician advised us to have him evaluated.
When you hit a wall, they said, there is always a ladder
However, they couldn’t conduct a proper evaluation
that can be climbed (until the Supreme Court, literally).
since he was so impulsive and uncooperative. They
They reminded us that as citizens of this country, we
advised us to see a behavior specialist, who then sent
have rights we are entitled to, and we shouldn’t neglect
us to a psychiatrist. The doctors couldn’t figure him
to pursue them. They sent us off, asking us to return
out; he was a medical mystery. In the end, he was
before her second birthday.
diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. What his doctors
We left determined to get our daughter all the help
didn’t notice was his lack of social skills. His behavioral
possible! No matter how much we would be challenged,
issues masked his real diagnosis, and he was diagnosed
no matter how many bumps in the road we would
with ASD only much later, when he was in the second
encounter, we were going to help our daughter thrive.
grade. He finally started talking when he was three
When Rivkah was seventeen months old, we took
and half.
her to a neurologist who diagnosed her with ASD. He recommended ABA therapy and other related services. Armed with paperwork from the neurologist, we began the uphill battle of requesting more services. It wasn’t simple and easy but after a series of additional evaluations and phone calls, Rivkah was finally
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Feigy Reichman*:
Shira was our second child
born after an uneventful pregnancy.
She seemed
perfect in every way, and we all envisioned a ‘perfect’ future for her. Since her early infancy however, I sensed that something off. I couldn’t put my finger on it and
everybody brushed off my concerns by telling
supportive and keeps close tabs on Shira’s
me not to compare to my older one. Being that
progress.)
she was only my second child, my pediatrician
From there we started our journey of
and close family members didn’t take me
therapies, programs and special education. It
seriously either, especially after Shira started
was great siyatta d’shmaya that Hashem sent
walking at the early age of eleven months. But
us an amazing therapist who tactfully shared
that’s when my uneasiness turned into worry.
with us her suspicion that Shira was autistic. I
I watched how she would run and fall, bump
had never seen a child with autism before and
into walls and random things, pick up toys and
had only the slightest understanding of the
throw them aimlessly. She also became very
world of special needs. It was with that lack of
impulsive and hyperactive, and it was obvious
information that we went to see a developmental
that Shira made no eye contact with me, or other
pediatrician who diagnosed Shira with PDD,
close family members.
Pervasive Develpmental Disorder, (ASD).
When I discussed my concerns with my
By now, Shira has advanced tremendously
pediatrician, he didn’t seem to grasp the
in all areas of her development. We integrated
seriousness of the situation, and instead advised
many different alternative programs, in addition
me to go for parenting courses. The fact that
to the OT/Speech/Special-Ed that she received
he didn’t believe me was very painful, but in
from EI/Board of Ed. I can say with certainty
retrospect I understand that all he saw was a
that we have seen lots of progress, and all the
gorgeous, active little girl. When she was around
different approaches we’ve tried have definitely
two years old and didn’t babble at all, he finally
contributed to Shira’s accomplishments. Now
noticed all the red flags I had seen all along.
seven years old, she attends a mainstream school
(Since that day he has been tremendously
and receives all her therapies after school.
How does your child’s condition impact the dynamics of your family life? Esther: Rivkah is our oldest child. As a new
Today, she attends school, and receives all her
mother, I couldn’t understand or relate to my
therapies there, so our schedule is a lot more
friends with kids the same age. They were able
manageable.
to go out and socialize while their babies hung
Another area with which we struggled, is
close nearby, playing nicely. They were able
Rivkah’s difficulty to adapt to transition and
to happily share and compare milestones and
change. After we sleep trained Rivkah with a
enjoy motherhood. Our lives revolved around
professional, we consistently followed a strict
Rivkah’s therapy and slow progress. I had four
routine and had to stick to it like clockwork.
or five therapists coming through my door
Therefore, regardless of where we were, or what
daily. In our small Brooklyn apartment, there
we were doing, whether it was a family party
was no privacy for us as a young couple. I was
or simcha, we left at 5:15 to start the nighttime
happy that my daughter was receiving help, but
process punctually. If she didn’t have her
I had no life of my own. I was her caregiver and
routine, our days and nights were that much
her service coordinator every hour of the day.
more chaotic.
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Yocheved: is a struggle.
Everything that surrounds Yehuda He is always combative and forever
answering back. When he was younger, he always managed to have things going his way. In a more practical sense, we always have to take Yehuda along with us wherever we go, since we never yet had anyone willing to babysit him. This affects us very much. We’re not invited places, because no one enjoys watching us battle with him. Over the years I’ve learnt how to control his condition. He used to run the house, but now I run the show. Feigy:
Shira is very aware of her weaknesses and
strengths; she knows that she is challenged in a way that really affects her family. Since Shira has difficulties identifying her feelings, we recently started a program with her to help her become more self-aware.
B”H, Shira has come a very long way. As a toddler, our everyday life was extremely stressful and overwhelming. Had this interview been conducted four years ago, my answers would have been very different. Looking back, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come. These days, daily life is smoother and more predictable. One area of difficulty is her lack of grasp when it comes to indirect messages. We recently had an incident during the Shabbos table, where my husband gave Shira a fatherly tap on her shoulder. Shira did not understand the meaning of this loving gesture, and instead misinterpreted it negatively.
She suddenly
started to tantrum, pulling off the tablecloth, along with everything else on it. It took us a while to realize where things went wrong, and then to clarify the misunderstanding.
How do your immediate and extended family accept your child? How do they accept the choices you make concerning her/his wellbeing? Esther: In the beginning of this journey, we found
fall into place. I must say, that although we were
ourselves under a barrage of questions and judgment.
lacking knowledge initially, there is so much we picked
Parents who B”H have children that are not delayed, or
up along the way. We learned so much from therapists,
don’t have concerns about their children’s development,
doctors and books we’ve read, that we probably know
can’t understand us. Also, since this was our oldest
more about childhood development and mental health,
child, some family members second-guessed us even
than most parents of healthy children. We live it every
more. They questioned whether we were overreacting,
day, and only a mother’s intuition notices and feels
and insisted we were uninformed. They kept telling us
when a child does not connect with her. Others only
to just take it easy, and that eventually things would
realize more obvious behaviors, which surface when
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the child is older. Over time, many family members have come to understand and even respect our position. Some express their amazement at how well Rivkah is doing, and how much we’ve done for her. Then there are others, that will just say, “Look how well she is doing. Who ever said there was a real concern?” That can be hurtful, and at times I find myself trying to defend and explain myself. However, by now, I just smile and say, “B”H she really is doing well.” I've learnt that I do not owe anyone any answers, explanations or justifications. I need to answer only to Hashem. It is only He that needs to know how much I nurtured, loved, cared for, and did for the special neshama he entrusted to me. I realize that most people mean well, and sometimes people’s comments come from their own feelings of inadequacy. For example, a relative used to question me a lot; “Why label her, she is so young? Why can’t she have gluten? Why so much therapy? How do you know it makes a difference? I don’t see a problem with her; she is so cute.” After a while, I stopped excusing myself, but I didn’t appreciate her inundating me with questions. Recently, she sent me a message that she respects me a lot for all I give Rivkah as a mother. She admires that I have the koach to stick to Rivkah’s special diet, and follow through with what I commit to. She shared with me that two of her children would benefit from such a diet, but she didn’t possess the will power to go through with it. It was then that I realized, that most of what she used to communicate to me, was actually admiration, she just didn’t know how to express or convey it. On the flipside, going to any family gathering is challenging. While the adults sit together and chat, I need to stick near Rivkah at all times. She loves to socialize and play with the other children, but she has no safety awareness, or body awareness, and therefore needs full-time supervision.
Yocheved: Some of my family members accept him, and some don’t. There are many members of my family who will not have us over for a Shabbos, for fear of what he might do and how he will ruin their Shabbos table. Then there are others, who pretend that everything is fine. They ignore all Yehuda’s negative behavior and don’t get involved in my parenting. They offer endless amounts of encouragement and support. Feigy:
Since we got the diagnosis, we were very
open with everyone.
We sat down and explained
to our older son why Shira behaves differently and that she didn’t choose to be born with this disability. We always tried to involve him in everything we did with Shira. He is, as a result, very sensitive and understanding about her struggles, instead of feeling resentful about her impulsive or destructive behavior. Our immediate families were always extremely supportive.
We took the approach of listening to
insensitive remarks and comments, and viewing them as though they were emanating from caring and concern. When a family member suggested that we consider putting Shira on medication at a very young age, I told her that I appreciate her caring, but we were still trying other options. I was not against the idea of medicating my child, and informed her that if at a later age her behavior will warrant it, we will certainly reconsider. These comments may sometimes hurt if we choose to accept them negatively. Working on tolerance and positivity, eliminates the pain and resentment that gradually builds up. We try to involve our immediate family members by sharing Shira’s progress.
Every milestone is a
cause to celebrate, and my parents and siblings delightedly joined the parties.
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When we moved to a new neighborhood,
made all the difference; they welcomed Shira
I told the kids in advance that Shira has
very warmly. She shared goodies and ice pops
differences that sometimes cause her to be
with all the kids, and she became an accepted
aggressive or impulsive. Preparing them,
child among the neighborhood gang.
When your child acts differently in public, how do you deal with comments from strangers? Esther:
Actually, I get more stares than
Yocheved: When it comes to dealing with
comments. I always say, some kids behave in
comments or questions, I answer very directly
ways that make their parents look good; some
and with no shame. I think that every dumb
kids behave in ways that make their parents
question deserves an even dumber answer!
look bad. Our kids are Hashem’s kids as well, by
In the past, I used to hide in shame when
design, a part of his creation. Therefore, when
Yehudah acted up in public. But I’ve gradually
uncomfortable situations arise, I work on my
come to the realization that this is not my fault,
thought process and remind myself that this
this is what Hashem gave me. When you live
child is different. These people are just not
among other people, you can’t expect them to
aware of that fact. I don’t mind explaining, but
understand everything. But at the same time,
I use my energy instead to take care of Rivkah
we can’t excuse ourselves to the whole world.
and to remain positive. I do remember one particular incident when I
Feigy: When it’s a total stranger, I ignore the
took Rivkah to the Brooklyn Children’s Museum.
comment and instead talk to myself. “This is my
Being that Rivkah lacks certain social skills,
nisayon, my challenge: may Hashem help that,
she pushed her way to the front at one of the
that person never experience my situation.”
exhibits. She probably didn’t even notice that
We were once doing a program with Shira that
she shoved some kids on the way. (Situations
involved identifying colors. We were sitting on
like these are particularly challenging, given
a bus, and as the sky was turning dark, Shira,
that Rivkah appears so normal and high
in all her innocence, suddenly exclaimed, “The
functioning, with no external differences). As
night turned on”. The bus driver kept on turning
I was making my way over to guide her to the
around, staring at this strange seven-year-old
back of the line, a guy started yelling, using foul
girl who was clearly very odd. At that point, I
language. It was a very embarrassing moment,
wanted to cry. But, I decided quickly that I was
but I didn’t feel that he deserved a response after
not going to carry the burden of constantly
the language he used. Instead of responding,
excusing my child’s behavior.
I reported him to security. They subsequently
In
another
incident,
an
acquaintance
I
exaggerating
came over to confront him about the incident,
claimed
and hopefully, that was a more effective way of
daughter’s limitations. That was very hurtful,
giving him a message.
and I remember thinking, ‘Who is she to
that
was
my
judge how tough my situation is?’ Here I was, 58
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struggling with my child, and instead of sympathy,
painful. It required lots of self-control to accept these
unfair judgment was being heaped on me. I also had
remarks and take them in stride. In a way I just feel
a particularly painful experience when a mother
bad for these people who don’t understand. Today, I
of a disabled child once commented that I was just
think the fact that people feel free to comment, means
taking advantage of “the system”. According to her,
that Shira’s handicaps are less obvious to the average
my child simply had bad middos that we needed to
person. That’s the positive message, the silver lining,
address.
that’s communicated to me by these unnecessary
There was a time that these moments were very
observations.
Can you tell us about the obstacles you encountered while trying to enroll your child in an appropriate school? Esther: Transportation was a huge hurdle. The local
the letter to Albany!
district is supposed to provide transportation, but since
After this experience I B”H felt empowered and
Rivkah was the only child in the county attending this
confident to pursue this route when necessary.
school, they refused to open a bus line ($54K a year)
Sometimes in the special-ed system, we feel like the
for just one child. I called every person in the county.
districts dictate and decide our children’s educational
After getting the run-around for three weeks with
services. But, we should remember that we have rights
no progress, I asked them how to proceed with filing
and there are alternate routes that can usually take us
an official complaint. Since they are legally bound to
further. Ultimately, it is all up to Hashem, but we must
provide me with that information, they reluctantly did
do our maximum hishtadlus.
so. However, they discouraged me from pursuing that route, asserting that I would ruin my relationship with
Yocheved: Frankly speaking, I don’t envy the people
them. I told them that nothing would get in the way
who were involved in what we went through. When
of my child receiving what she needs and deserves. If
it came to enrolling Yehuda in yeshiva after his Bar
she had no transportation, she wouldn’t be able to get
Mitzvah, we literally went through the most horrible
school. Period. It was that simple.
period in our entire lives. We applied to several places,
I wrote a letter to Albany, explaining how the district
and during the interviews, unfortunately, they made us
claimed they were giving my child a fair education, yet
feel like a piece of gum stuck on a shoe. I understand a
they were not really educating her if she had no way
yeshiva’s position if they can’t accept a boy with social
of getting to school. I mentioned that this also seemed
issues, but there are gentle and kind ways to tell a
to be religious discrimination, since in the past they
parent ‘no’.
had definitely opened bus routes for just one child.
We also had a terrible experience with a yeshiva where
This process gave Albany thirty days to investigate the
Yehuda was ridiculed and bullied by his classmates. As
complaint, and send a copy of my letter to the district
soon as his classmates realized that he was socially
as well. After a few emails and phone calls the issue
awkward, they started taking advantage of him. There
was completely resolved! My district agreed to open a
was an incident where they told him to throw a rock on
bus line immediately for the new school year. All this
the window. Yehuda, who lacked the perception that
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obliged. He was immediately suspended as a result
was a huge hurdle with many setbacks; and although
of this incident. I tried reasoning with the principal.
the faculty tried to assist our daughter, they couldn’t
I told him that the kids encouraged my son to engage
accommodate all her needs. After explaining her issues
in negative behavior. They egged him on to throw the
to them numerous times, I was left with the feeling
rock, and they bullied him constantly. His response?
that there was only so much that they’d be able to do
“Let him develop a thick skin.”
for her. I finally reached the conclusion that her teacher
Thankfully, the current yeshiva that accepted my
was not a one-on-one teacher; she was teaching a class
son, is working out amazingly well. As soon as he
of many. It consequently made no sense to expect her
was accepted, their motto was, “We’ll make it work”.
to be able to give Shira the extra attention she needed.
I’ve never had such a situation where a school was so
Things have not always worked out the way we
supportive and understanding. Instead of focusing
envisioned, but we continue showing our appreciation
on his weaknesses, they recognized his strengths and
to her teachers, tipping them regularly and respecting
made a big deal out of them. Yehuda happens to be
them for what they can do for Shira.
good at sports. As soon as his teachers and principals
After that realization, we began incorporating all
noticed that, they took his abilities and made him shine
her special programs and therapies at home, after
to the degree that he is really popular among his peers.
school. Then Shira was able to flourish, receiving her individual and undivided attention.
When Shira outgrew the public school
(Please note: this kind of setting, doing all the therapy
setting, we contacted a local mainstream school. We
at home after school, is something that doesn’t work
tried getting everyone on board and conducted many
for everyone. Shira was our youngest child for six
meetings with the principal, school psychologist and
years, an important factor that enabled us to extend
teachers. We were aiming for an integrated program
ourselves in ways that would otherwise be detrimental
where Shira would be mainstreamed, and receive all
to a growing family with many children. Every family
her therapies through the resource room. I therefore
must evaluate what works for them, and acknowledge
needed their cooperation in many different ways. It
when it is time to ask for help.)
Feigy:
Can you share a special moment or insight that has helped you accept your situation? Esther: Rivkah is an extremely happy, little girl. If
60
anyone’s day around.
only we were all gifted with such simchas hachayim!
In addition, I believe that Hashem only gives us what
Her happy energy is contagious and anyone she meets
we can handle. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, it doesn’t mean
or interacts with, is uplifted by her mood. She can turn
you’ll be happy about it, but it’s true.
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I once saw a letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe,
face, and sometimes when I look at him I realize that
which keeps me inspired. Someone wrote to the Rebbe
this isn’t his fault. He didn’t choose to be born with
about the lack of nachas from his children. The Rebbe
these challenges. Rather, he is my challenge; a challenge
responded that we were not given children to derive
I will im yirtzeh Hashem overcome.
nachas from them, but rather to improve our avodas Hashem. I find this thought very powerful. Not only
Feigy:
I once heard a very inspirational thought
was I chosen to care for this special child, but in order
from a friend, a mother of multiple children with
to fulfill my tafkid, my neshama needs her to be part of
special needs, who was going through a very difficult
my life. Parenting Rivkah helps me fulfill my purpose
period in her life. She shared: “Having a few children
in creation. As much as I am here to help Rivkah reach
with disabilities made me do lots of soul-searching.
her potential, she is here for me to work on myself as
I used to ponder why I deserved so many hardships.
well. When I keep that in focus, it is a game changer
Then a very heart-warming possibility presented
for me. This isn’t about having it easy or aiming for a
itself. Throughout my school years, I didn’t have
picture perfect life; this is about something so much
many close friends since I was the type who would
higher and greater.
always be mekarev the unpopular girls. It dawned on me that when those special neshamas in heaven
Yocheved: There was a moment when I realized that
witnessed that I was the type who would love and
this is the hand that I was dealt, and that no one is
help them unconditionally, they all chose me to be
coming to my rescue. Other than throwing my son off
their mother.”
of a bridge or out the window, he was, and is, mine to
I internalized this message. I didn’t do anything
keep along with all the “joy” he has to offer. He is a total
wrong; B”H I have the capabilities to raise Shira, and
package.
I’m happy to give her all the opportunities to help her
I am forever grateful that he has the most beautiful
reach her potential.
When discussing daily incidents with parents of ‘regular’ children the same age, how do you deal with innocent comments that hit a raw nerve? Esther: I really try to keep the topic of conversation
eaters, etc.
on neutral ground, i.e. our kids’ new yom tov clothing,
There are times that something as innocent as
the occasional nightmares, cute things they say, picky
hearing that a child went to a neighbor to play, can
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hit me hard. It is not easy to always have to supervise, or accompany and shadow my daughter. It’s not always easy to say no when she asks to go to her friends. I wonder if, and when, there will come a day that she will be safely independent, and I will be able to relax a bit. How nice that would be... During times like these I try to remind myself that Rivkah is just different and not necessarily worse. This is my situation and I shouldn’t compare her to anyone else. I know I can choose to be bitter and resentful, or accept the situation and deal with it. I repeat this to myself often. B”H, with a supportive husband, and a good amount of intervention and therapy, I am able to keep myself in a good place, knowing that I am dealing with the situation appropriately.
Yocheved:
Truthfully, if it comes from
someone in my shoes, I end up in tears, because they understand my situation and the crisis that I am in. Even when it comes from a friend who has a normal child my son’s age, it’s very painful to have his differences thrown into my face. Feigy: When those situations occur, instead of wallowing in self-pity or blaming that person for her insensitivity, I try to rationalize that she simply doesn’t understand, and doesn’t realize the impact of her words. One more note: The more you believe in your child and the happier you are with the progress you observe, the less you will care about what other people say.
What techniques help you remain focused on the present when your mind wanders into the future? Esther: I don’t know if I have a good answer
Yocheved: The technique I use and highly
here. But I do tell myself that, just like Three
recommend is to pick up the phone, call your
years ago, I could have never imagined how
biggest support, or your best listening ear, and
well Rivkah would be doing today, I could also
yell your brains out! Then, go to the closest
never know what the future holds. I constantly
ice cream store and buy the most fattening ice
hope for further improvement and growth.
cream available. Crying about calories is way
Ultimately, I just want her to lead a happy
better than crying about your situation. That’s
and fulfilling life, serving Hashem, with all
the best thing that I do for myself, and I say,
the kochos that He gave her. It is all part of
give it a try!
Hashem’s will. I daven and shed many tears
On a more serious note, Yehuda is now at a
when I think about her future. It is not in a sad
stage where his peers are exploring the options
way, but rather with hope and yearning that I
of yeshivas with a dorm.
have the koach to keep guiding her and making
parents speak about their son going to dorm,
good decisions, that will keep her in the path
it’s very painful for me to listen to it.
So when other
of Hashem. I anticipate Moshiach’s imminent
Nevertheless, we continuously see progress
arrival, when none of us will have these, or any
and that’s what keeps us going. Although he isn’t
other serious concerns.
ready to dorm yet, we know that maybe at age
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eighteen, he will be. When I look at the present,
her unconditionally.
I see a challenging child. But when I keep on
effort, physically and financially, towards her
looking back and see his amazing progress, I
improvement and progress. We figured that
see how far we’ve all come. Three years ago, we
down the line when she becomes an adult, we
would have never imagined that he would one
will be able to say that we tried our best to help
day be attending a mainstream camp. And yet,
her reach her potential.
this summer B”H he’s mainstreamed.
Recently,
during
We invested loads of
a
CSC
meeting,
the
school psychologist couldn’t believe we were Feigy: In the past I used to think, “Whatever
discussing the same child she knew three years
Hashem has in store for Shira, that’s what will
ago.
happen.” At that point I didn’t dream that she’d
into the future and I start thinking about
And whenever my mind does wander
one day be mainstreamed. I tried focusing
shidduchim – I just think about how far along
only on the present. I accepted her and loved
Shira came and how much she progressed. At this point I say, “Nothing is impossible”.
What message can you convey to other parents and family members in your position? Esther: Never accept ‘no’ as an answer. Never
a hard time understanding what you are
allow anything to get in the way of what you
going through, I would recommend investing
know is best for your child. Trust in your belief
effort into educating them. You need them
that you are your child’s best advocate. You are
on board. This may be your mother, your
stronger than you think, or may be ready to
spouse, or another close relative. A good way
acknowledge. No one should manipulate you
to do this is, having them accompany you
into believing that you, or your child, will not
to your child’s appointments, joining you in
succeed and convince you to settle for less. It is
a therapy session, or observing the child in
hard, and having a special child can sometimes
school. Perhaps you can ask them to do this
sap the joy out of parenting. Instead of parents,
for you as a personal favor. Let them ask the
we become caregivers. We need to tend to their
professionals questions, understand the plan
needs; we are responsible for their progress,
of care and intervention, and where they can
health and safety, all of which are a lot more
be of help. Sometimes close family members
taxing with a special needs child.
need to hear the facts from professionals
Take a deep breath, and tap into your inner
in the field, in order to digest the difficult
strength. Acknowledge that you are special,
realities. Acquiring books about your child’s
you are chosen, because you can take care of
disabilities and leaving them around, available
this special neshama better than anyone else in
to be read, is also a good idea. It’s so important
the whole world.
that the ones closest to us, support us and
If there is a significant person in your life whose support you need, yet they are having
understand us. Sometimes they need our help, to help them help us! S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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Yocheved: Life isn’t a walk in the park.
Just try and smile and find
humor. Laugh and the world laughs with you: cry, and you cry alone. And most importantly, always keep milk chocolate well within your reach! CocoArt ships right to your door! Try to take one day at a time, yet look towards the future. Every tomorrow brings with it a chance for growth. Don’t forget that every little step is progress! And finally, we can’t let our kids’ situations dictate our lives. We need to take care of ourselves. When we were planning our summer, we didn’t expect Yehuda to attend a mainstream camp, and I was going to stay home and watch him. But then I realized that I can’t put my life on hold, and we took the plunge to enroll Yehuda. Luckily, he was accepted. I’ll end with an observation. I’ve come to realize, that over the years I’ve become a better person because of my son. I’m more sensitive to my students, and I generally have a much deeper sensitivity to others, especially those with similar challenges. That is a positive sign of growth; another fringe benefit in my special package deal!
disabilities. Saying that we love our children unconditionally should not be a justification for lack of trying; ‘because they’re anyway loved and accepted the way they are’. Many times a child loses out on opportunities to grow either because the mother resents the child because of her issues, or because the mother accepts the disabilities as status quo. Remember that these kids have tremendous potential and it is up to us, their parents, to help them achieve it. Another thing to consider if you plan on starting a new program with your child, is to bear in mind that these programs are a long-term commitment.
Being
consistent
is
an absolute must for any program or therapy to be successful. People sometimes want to see instant results and become discouraged when they don’t see progress quickly enough. Therefore, before you actually initiate a new program, do all the necessary research to ensure that you will be able to follow it through entirely. Make sure to have all your technicalities, such as transportation, staff, funding, etc., arranged before you begin. Hopefully, then, you will not get discouraged, and your perseverance will pay off. Also, don’t rely on the school to
Feigy:
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Firstly, always remember, I
provide you with everything. Do
love my child and accept her despite
your own homework. There’s a world
her issues. You love your child and
of different programs and therapies
accept her despite her issues. For you
out there, and every mother should
and for me, accepting and loving our
look at her own child and see that
children with their disabilities does
child’s unique needs, possibilities and
not mean that we can ignore their
opportunities.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS! The choice is mine, How to react To the set of challenges Hashem sends my way.
Some of these thoughts, Rehashed for the umpteenth time, Force me to take a stand, In the heavy battle fought in my heart.
Sometimes it’s frustrating. And all I feel like, Is throwing my shoes to the wall, And tantruming like a toddler.
I know the consequences, Of conceding to negativity. Its only result, An intense bitterness.
It’s so unfair, How life is unfolding. Undoing my glorious dreams, In a puff of smoke.
And I know the rewards, Of a smile on my face. Allowing the people in my life, To appreciate my presence.
I’d so much rather, Express my disappointment, In angry outbursts Or brooding silence.
There is no doubt, That acceptance Enables me to accept others, And give them genuine love.
This is not what I envisioned, What I thought I deserve. And it irks me, Going down that resentful path.
It is hard work, This fighting with yourself. It leaves you utterly exhausted, At the end of it all.
It seems so much easier, To play the blame game. And wallow in the self-pity, That embraces me willingly.
Yet, the meaningful reward, Of a positive attitude, Is why I continue, This battle, this struggle.
Yet, in a place deep inside, A little conflict erupts. Misery and positivity, Both competing for the lead.
It’s what keeps me sane, When things make no sense. And allows me to smile, To choose the joys of life. The Choice. Choose wisely…
By: Draizy Lemberger
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From Rayim’s Bulletin Board n spite Divisio New Boys Re ed a new division to their highly
Rayim has recently add Program. Several boys acclaimed After School Respite programs in Monroe and attending Rayim’s regular respite ram. In an effort to Monsey began aging out of the prog ed day, Rayim took the address their need to have a structur sion, for boys ages 10 initiative to establish an all-boys divi im has since received and older. The countless requests Ray s accepted, makes it clear how from other parents to have their son truly necessary the program is. to 5:30 s on a weekday schedule from 3:00 The new After School Program run winter The program also operates during and Sundays from 9:30 to 4 o’clock. A strong as on legal holidays, fast days, etc. and summer school breaks, as well eational nned schedule that includes recr emphasis is placed on a well-pla e these s and more. The staff, who welcom activities, arts n crafts, social activitie provide all areas of special needs and aim to boys off the bus, are well trained in r-school care. Snacks are offered during afte these lively teenagers with love and then given on full days. Participants are days, and breakfast and lunch are transported home by Rayim staff.
gram eeds children enrolled o r P r e d e h C w e N special-n at affects many th ity al re e at un education. It is
r An unfort ddishkeit in thei sence of basic yi ab e th is te in their s, ol ho eds are passiona in public sc ne l ia ec sp ith w children ith that in well known that d His mitzvos. W an m he as H to eir love fill the void expressions of th eder that would Ch m yi Ra e th ched e program has mind, Rayim laun e its inception th nc Si . ch la er nd ki e for these precious e on the way. Th with a third on s m oo sr as cl o expanded to tw portance. ram reflects its im og pr of pe ty is highdemand for th chool basis, with -s er aft an on erates gives these The program op nced rebbi. This rie pe ex an g in join , yehadus, functioning boys kriah, davening n ar le to ity un port say “Modeh children the op e opportunity to th ve ha t no do ys er that gives etc. Since the bo the Rayim Ched is it , ol ho sc in ” vas Tzitzis environment. Ani” and “Al Mitz a warm, heimishe in s ho ac br e es to make th yamim tovim is them the chance fore upcoming be in ga ey th e s e knowledg tion and happines Additionally, th aware of. Satisfac be t no e is rw he would ot ddishe kinder. something they h their day as yi is fin ey th as s ys’ face radiate off the bo
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By: Adina Jacobs
New Day Hab
It was welcome news to the Brooklyn community when Rayim recently
announced the opening of a new Day Hab for boys, in the heart of Boro Park. The need for a quality Day Hab with the standards Rayim’s programs are known for, was something Rayim was aiming to fill. Located at 4620 18th Ave., the site is newly-renovated and beautifully furnished. The Day Hab is directed by a mechanech, with many years of experience in the field of special-ed. The schedule was designed to give the young men the opportunity to gain independence in all areas of life.
Therefore,
vocational training, travel training, computer skills, and many other daily life skills, are what make this program so unique.
New Evening Boys Program
Rayim’s latest initiative towards advancing the development of individualized
programs for individuals with special needs, is the new SCORE program. SCORE, which stands for Succeed in Countless Opportunities at Rayim’s Evening program – was launched to provide high-functioning teenaged boys with a structured evening. The program, which operates between 6:30 and 9:00 p.m., is similar to that of a typical yeshiva boy’s masmidim schedule. Furthermore, it gives the parents a much-needed break in the evening, when they need to tend to their children’s homework, dinner and bedtime. SCORE is not focused on academics or anything too ‘educational’. Rather, it offers the boys an outlet and a chance to express themselves in many different ways. They enjoy group activities such as baking, cooking, shopping, gym, swimming and recreational outings. The skills and knowledge they gain while having fun, is something that attracts many boys to the program. It is to the staff’s credit that the program has achieved tremendous success in a very short time.
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! aded with goodies
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s
ing
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! ning Around
Ch oo ent Experim
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Clow
w it h
ry tec hniq ue
Say C
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se!! e e
s lo
sen
so
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Train...
ak i ng p ro! ab
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er! h t e ing C hanuka Tog
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very
Fruity
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Fun in ! the Sun
We a
m! a e ll sc r ream for Ice C
Monsey Division
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Splish... Splash. ..
Job Well Done!
s!
ing tzi i z the heilige T
ki
ss
s It'
g tim e .. .
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on ne c t in
terpiece!
n Pai
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. Mr
tin g cra m y Lag B'omer
ft. ..
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irthday Boy!
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By: Malky Stein
e h T s n Pe So many of them in the Drawer‌ Do I really need so many different kinds? I think, peering closer into the Drawer Standing out of the crowd is the shiny, silver Parker Gleaming, glinting in the sunshine streaming through the window So delicate and beautiful One of her kind Quality ink deep within, Patiently waiting to make her mark Yet, she’s rarely used Reserved for occasions
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Reminds me, I muse, Of that student who sits in my class Sterling middos, Beautiful inside out Though seldom in the limelight, Her value is acknowledged by all
Yet… their Glittering status is like a bubble, Full of air until it pops! And evaporates...
And there lie those trusty, hardy BIC’s mingling in the Drawer Those common pens you find in every house Consistently producing shopping lists, late notes and the sort Mundane, perhaps But essential to my household. At first glance they all appear the same; (Would I notice if one gets lost?) But looking closer, I see their uniqueness— Black Blue Red The leaky one The one with its top chewed off
A few meek pencils are scattered in the Drawer Paling in the light of their counterparts They perform their assigned tasks well— When sharpened, that is. Still, I may have to press hard To get the right results Yet gently, So the tip shouldn’t break But who could do math without those? Humble and unassuming, obedient and diligent Erase me if you want, For I may not be perfect
Like all those average students who are part of the pack Coasting along the vast ocean of life Through crests and troughs, Ups and downs, Aiming to reach their potential To achieve Individuality My faithful Expo markers fill up much space in the drawer Bold and bright, colors screaming The latest in modern teaching Bringing clarity with a touch of fun to my classroom With its smooth, effortless strokes Yet, Its Magic vanishes just as easily with a swish of the eraser As though it never were
Like the kid with the eraser attached — That chip on her shoulder Unsure of herself and her capabilities I must convince her of her own worthiness I must press her; Yet not push her too far Handle with care— A delicate balance, So she can see beyond her dull appearance And successfully write her story too
…Which reminds me of the girls in the lead Who fill the most space in the classroom Surrounded by friends and endless chatter Fashionably dressed, ponytails swinging self-assuredly Bringing life and fun and laughter to the world
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And there in the back of the drawer, Lying abandoned, forlorn I notice two broken pieces of chalk From my pre-whiteboard days Do they still serve a purpose? Stripped of their prominent position in the classroom, Deprived of the blackboard they need To perform their once indispensable role, And outshined by the smoother, sleeker, more efficient Expos, These ubiquitous instruments From an era gone by Are now obsolete. Or are they? Wait, wouldn’t my children love to play with those? Like the neighborhood children they watched Drawing castles and hopscotch on the street? So they can be useful After all, Even if not the way I intended, In the environment I imagined. They can yet enjoy their moment of glory.
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Which makes me realize something important. It’s about the kid who is lacking the tools she needs With which to thrive, Survive, In the way I think is right, In the environment I think is normal. Yes, I whisper, She, too, can contribute to this world Exactly what she is supposed to Even if that is different From what I had imagined. She, too, can shine In her full glory.
I close the Drawer Indeed, so many of them But, yes, I do need them all.
ky Stein By: Mal
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The Little Bird
T
here was once a fly. “Fly,” said
who could not . The
flapped
his
and hopped around in
his
. He tried to fly with all his
tried again, but he still could not fly.
“Fly” said the
. “Fly” said the
just looked at them with sad in the
All the and mock the
. “Look! This
. But the
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poked him with their feet. And some pulled at his pretty Soon the
.
began to cry.
away from the her
began to tease cannot fly!” ,
. But the
, searching for
was to feed
.
“Father!” cried the
.
they taunted. They flew around the
loudly at him. A few
“Mother!” cried the
might, but he could not fly. “Fly,” said the . The
flapping their
flying around the to help make their And all the
. But the
was
, searching for strong. from the
continued
The
The
.
to tease the poor
was becoming very noisy. So
shouted.
woke up and
All the
noisy, that the wise, old rubbed her
. “Who is making such loud ! Please help our
“Oh, dear
and the
in the
looked on in rose up to the
wonder as the three
!” cried
in the the
. The wise, old . When she saw
hurried over to the
did. “Now, FLY!” she
sky. Together, they soared high above the
noise here?” She said with a yawn. the
and the
, above the
, above
.
“See,” said the wise, old
to all the
what was going on, she said, “Let me show
, “that
you something.”
He wasn’t made to fly himself. But he is not a
bent down and lifted two
from
his
and
, for with the help of , he can fly.”
into each of
the ground. She put one
. “Hold on tight,” she said to the
the
. Then she turned to the “You,” she said to the
and the
.
, “stand by the tip of
the right
.” The
said to the
, “stand by the tip of the left
. The your
. He is a
. The wise, old
All became silent in the
can fly. Perhaps not like all of you.
did. “And you,” she
did. “Now both of you, open
and bite down hard on the
.”
LITTLE BIRD
NEST
MOTHER BIRD
WINGS
FATHER BIRD
WORMS
SISTER BIRD
FAMILY
BROTHER BIRD
OWL
EYES
TWIGS/BRANCH
BIRDS
TREES
FOREST
CLOUDS
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Dea r Fuzzy II
February 17
her feel good, y’know. Tsk, tsk, I could just see all
Dear Fuzzy,
the teachers clucking their approval. Yeah, she does
You’re still around. After all the times Mommy
write pretty well, no? What a special teacher you
promised to hide you, after all the times my sister Chavy threatened to destroy you, after all the times Pinny attacked your almost threadbare body, and after all the times I hugged you into mashed potatoes, you’re still here. Who would believe? You are a miracle, Fuzzy. Is there another teddy bear in the world like you? Perhaps I should learn from you. You are as resilient as Bubby Goldstein’s old refrigerator. You’ve withstood use and abuse, wear and tear, and many roughs and toughs. And yet, your face is still
are, Mrs. Silber, for noticing which student could use a boost. And I could just hear my classmates whispering eagerly to each other as they clapped (too hard) for me. Good for Mimi, she deserves the honor. As I said, she could’ve just announced Pinny…. When will they stop pitying me like that? And when, when, will they finally recognize me for what I’m worth, independent of my nebach, difficult situation?? Love, Mimi
so bright with your endearing smile. I wish to be like you, Fuzzy. Tell me, what is your secret?
February 22 Dear Fuzzy,
February 20 Dear Fuzzy, Mimi Braun. Recognize the name? Yeah, right,
crisp new page following all the creasy, bumpy
that’s me. And that’s the name Mrs. Silber called all too enthusiastically when she announced the yearbook editors today. Although she might as well have said Pinny Braun. Oh, well. I should have known they would pick me to be editor. Poor Mimi, with her special brother y’know… let’s make
78
Oh, how I love, love writing to you! I feel I"m like in a warm bubble bath when my pen touches the
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used ones. My thoughts then come flowing and my mind spills onto you. It’s like when I turn on the faucet in the bath, and suddenly, the thousands of shiny, soapy bubbles grow into a white, fuzzy (pun intended!) blanket enveloping me. And when I’m done, everything inside me feels loosened. All my
sad feelings melt away like dirt dissolving in the
what she thinks of me. I wonder if Mrs. Silber gave
lather. (Don’t mind me, I’m just in a poetic mood.)
her a pep talk about being nice to me. I mean, I’m a
I wonder what my teacher would say if she read
fairly decent writer to be honest, but I’m sure Esty
this. As much as I love writing, I am far from a
would have loved to work with one of the knaks
great writer, especially compared to some of my
like Dina or Toby.
classmates. Although I try hard when it comes to
In any case, Esty did a great job being nice.
writing class, I’m sure if Mrs. Silber would read this
She took my opinions seriously, and we actually
jumbled mess of thoughts she would immediately
incorporated many of my suggestions. I even found
disqualify me from my editorial position.
some grammatical mistakes in Tzippy’s essay that
Anyway, tomorrow, I start working on the yearbook. Mommy is so proud of me. She says I am
Esty missed. At one point, Esty exclaimed, “Mimi, you are really talented at this!”
perfect for the job. And even if I’m not quite sure
I can’t help thinking this is simply not fair to her.
about that, somewhere deep inside, I’m looking
What do you think Fuzzy, should I approach Mrs.
forward to giving it a try.
Silber and give this up?
But please tell me, is this just a shimmering
Love, Mimi
bubble? Will it pop? Love, Mimi
February 23 Dear Fuzzy, This yearbook thing might actually be fun, even if I hate, hate the fact that I was chosen purely out of pity. Today, Mrs. Silber gave Esty (my co-editor) and me time off class to work on it. Twenty-five (envious??) pairs of eyes were on us as we stood up from our seats. Reizy threw me an airborne kiss with her signature grin. Dassy was actually beaming, but I didn’t miss the sympathetic twitch of her nose. I shot out of the classroom with Esty following behind and waving to all. As much as I was dreading the attention, the
work
was
really
pleasant. Esty is a fabulous writer. I wonder
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gift of health, hey, even talents. We can use the idea of bows as accessories to write about all the accessories in our lives—the extras, the bonuses. And the reflective essays we worked on could be in a section called ‘bow and arrow’, you know, like sharpshooting, like ‘to the point’. Also, I thought,
February 24 Dear Fuzzy, Bad move. She looked like she bumped into a hippopotamus. (Like the simile?) I played it really cool and just said I thought I wasn’t fit for the job. First Mrs. Silber stared at me incredulously for a while, her trademark grey and blue scarf all but frozen into position, and then all she said was, “What has gotten into you Mimi? Nobody gives up such an honor.” When I tried to say something she shook her head and said, “There is nothing to discuss, Mimi. Now get to work.”
bows tie things together, so we can do something about our class ties, friendships, connections…” I paused to catch my breath and promptly realized I was babbling. Now Esty will for sure think I’m silly. I needn’t have worried. “Oooh, It’s perfect,” she breathed. I exhaled in relief. Or shall I say euphoria? (I just love that word!) “Bows. Wow! Mimi, you are amazing! How did you think of it?” “Nah, it’s nothing.” Suddenly, an awful thought hit me, like a snake wrapping itself around my neck. “You don’t have to say you like it just because I thought of it,” I said in a half-whisper. “Mimi!”
So off I went. What now?
I jumped.
Love, Mimi
“What in heaven’s name got into you?”
February 27 Dear Fuzzy, It was my idea! It popped in my mind earlier when I was in the shower (that’s when my creative juices start flowing), and by the time I was out, I had it fully developed. The first thing after I got dressed, I called Esty. She picked up after one ring. “I got it!” I shouted without introduction. “Bows!” “What?” “Bows! Our theme! Do you like it?” There was no gushing excitement at the other end of the line. My heart sank. Why was I so convinced she would like it? We had been wracking our brains for a good, workable theme for a long while. Esty’s silence, I thought, must mean disapproval. But
Mrs. Silber’s words from two days ago rang in my ears. “This is a faaabulous idea! I can just see the graphics with pretty bows all over the pages! It couldn’t be better! I am so excited!” she enthused. And in case I wasn’t convinced, she added, “Let’s call Mrs. Silber tomorrow first thing. I’m positive she’ll approve—no, love—it! I can’t wait!” And that is how we ended our conversation. So you see, Fuzz, why I am so euphoric? I, Mimi Braun, Editor-in-, no, Commander-in-Chief of the Penned Forces, who fought valiantly with blood, toil, sweat and tears (not quite!) in the Battle of the Theme, emerged a victorious hero! Whooohoooo!! Love, Mimi
before I was able to say “Nah, I was just kidding”, Esty replied, “Oh, the yearbook theme. It’s a nicesounding word. But how would you work it out?” That was my chance. “Well, bows are tied around gifts, so we could do a section on all the gifts in our lives. Like our families, or sunshine, rain, the
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February 28 Dear Fuzzy, Mrs. Silber likes our idea. Esty helped me work out the details and now we need to write an editorial. I warned Esty not to tell anyone it was
my idea. She looked at me quizzically and asked
A marvelous creation
if I’m sure, to which I said, yes, absolutely. I’m not
Exquisite
really sure myself why I’m uncomfortable with
In its simplicity,
everyone knowing. But I’m glad she agreed.
An art
Everybody cheered when we announced the new theme. Of course, they wanted to know whose
In perfection A bow.
brilliant idea it was. I just shrugged and said we chose it from among other ideas on our list. That’s
Look what became of
not a lie, is it?
Two strings.
Love, Mimi
Tie up the loose ends Sign your name
March 2 Dear Fuzzy, Here’s the editorial piece I wrote. I jotted it down on the back of my homework sheet that was lying on my dresser last night after I had gone to bed.
Words, Words. verbs. Subjects, Dress it up Wrap it up Tug Tug
Esty helped me tweak it to perfection. Here goes: With a flourish
Loop. Twist. Tie.
Loop.
And let the message dangle softly.
A marvelous creation
Puff Pull it it up. out .
Exquisitely Explaining Entertaining Persuading An art
With a flourish.
In perfection
Tug, Tug
The art
And
let
the
ends
Of writing.
dangle softly. Look what became of Just words. Like? Love, Mimi
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March 12
the urge to roll my eyes. Did Mommy really think
Dear Fuzzy,
we could fix this mess? In any case, what would I tell
It’s over. My job. Over. As in OVER.
my classmates? But she had that determined look in her eye; I knew I better quell the protest rising in me.
And it’s not even my fault!
And so, we spread all the thousand “puzzle” pieces
Pinny. Sometimes I feel like I am a balloon and Pinny is a needle. All it takes is one second of contact and I go POP. and then I land on the floor, burst. Deflated. Over.
on the table and got to work with a roll of tape. “Corners first,” she said. I laughed. Puzzles were always my favorite. Mommy, Chavy and I have spent many long, lazy days doing puzzles on the dining room table, being careful never to leave it
HE TORE MY PAPERS! Every single one of the poems I had taken home to edit. Now, when I have finally come to terms with my so-called honor, and am even enjoying it, I am about to lose it. The class will never forgive me. Mrs. Silber will say I am irresponsible, and hadn’t I recently told her myself that I’m not fit for the job? Yeah, right. Oh, Fuzzy, what should I dooooooooo????? Love, Mimi
unsupervised when Pinny was around. What can I tell you, Fuzzy, it’s a miracle. We sat over it for two hours, and it was really—ahem—fun! Like when we did that jigsaw puzzle with the picture of a million colored paper clips. Mind boggling, but so rewarding! And now I don’t have to worry about losing my job. But. I am still so embarrassed. I will have to tell my classmates, Mommy says. The poems will have to be rewritten, since it is really difficult to make
March 13 Dear Fuzzy, Did I ever tell you what an amazing mother I have? True, she is usually harried. And true, she often has what I call Pinny-days. (We all do.) But that is all the
out all the words this way. I am not sure I have the courage. Now they will pity me even more. But Mommy says I am a lot stronger than I think. What do you think? Love, Mimi
more proof for how amazing she is. She noticed me sulking by the window yesterday after I had discovered Pinny’s latest shtick. (I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to upset her.) I burst out crying, like I never do anymore, and told her the story. She was horrified, of course, but she kept calm and ordered me to bring all the pieces of paper from my bedroom floor to the kitchen table. “Let’s pretend this is a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle,” she said brightly. I fought
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March 13 Dear Mimi, Oh, yes. You are a lot stronger than you think! Love, Fuzzy
June 10 Dear Fuzzy, Graduation! I thought it was such a scary word. I was always afraid of growing up. I guess I thought that the less I expect from myself the easier life would be. But today, I was able to see the joy in growing up. Today, I graduated. And not only from elementary school. It was a really beautiful graduation. From the speeches to the singing and Simi’s harmony, it was a major success. From my place on stage, I was able to see Mommy dabbing her eyes and Chavy waving to me. I received a beautiful heart pendant from Bubby Goldstein, a gorgeous bracelet from Bubby Braun, and a stunning new leather watch from Mommy. (Remember I told you that Pinny broke the one I got for my birthday?) But of all the special moments, the most beautiful one for me personally was as I stepped off the stage to get my diploma from our principal Mrs. Blau, along with a thick, hardcover book: my yearbook. This journey was not easy for me. It was tough, telling my class about the torn papers. It was even tougher learning to talk naturally and openly about myself, and to stop second-guessing myself. But my toughest battle was the one that forced me to look deep inside myself and to see my full value. Even if that meant having higher expectations of myself. Even if that meant that Pinny could no longer be an excuse to deprive the world of the true me. And even if that meant swallowing the pity and understanding that it’s all because people care about me. Today, I feel like a big knot inside me was untied. Today, I feel light and airy, like… you guessed it… a bow. Love, Mimi
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I
always wished I had a summer birthday. Something about the long, sunny days and the relaxed yet spirited atmosphere make birthday parties so much more exciting. Especially when they are celebrated in a bungalow colony or camp where there are
just so many more attendees. Alas, my birthday is in early June, usually smack in the middle of the end-of-school-year rush—just a bit too early for the leisurely summer fun days. And though my mother always made sure to celebrate
my birthdays in the most delightful way, I was certainly thrilled when three of my kids were born in the summer. Naturally, I use this as a great excuse to go all out when I celebrate theirs! Here are some exciting birthday ideas from the party we threw for my daughter who just turned four. Enjoy “noshing” them! Send in pictures of your birthday party using these ideas to sparks@rayim.org and enter a free drawing to receive an exciting gift. And, of course, happy birthday!!
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Ta b l e c l o t h I used the top and bottom of a foam cup to draw circles—one big and two small—on a folded yellow plastic tablecloth from Amazing Savings (you can also buy at any 99 cents store), and cut them out. I first covered the table with a pink tablecloth, and then I spread the yellow one on top to create an adorable pattern!
Pl ace Set t i ngs Placemats: I tore out magazine paper and covered it in rows of pretty patterned duct tape. When you turn the placemats over, you see the magazine page, which makes for a great game in which you ask questions, (What’s your name? Shoe size? Favorite treat? Worst punishment, etc.) and the participants have to “find” the answer on their page. Get ready for some good laughs! I bought matching plates, cups and napkins at Amazing Savings On each plate, I put a birthday hat treat bag (see below) Over each birthday hat, I put glow-in-the-dark party necklaces with a heart shaped white chalkboard (both also from Amazing Savings) as a place card.
Centerpieces I cut out the shape of a #4 from Styrofoam and decorated it with rows of colorful lollypops. I prepared a blank white page in a pink picture frame for birthday wishes from the participants. I put balloons into two vases for a neat look. I used a muffin stand to display the cupcakes
B i r t h d ay H a t T r e at B ag s I stuffed birthday hats with goodies, wrapped it with an orange tulle ribbon, and tied a bow on top. 8 6 | S PA R K S
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Cookie Jars I used edible marker to write the birthday girl’s name on the white part of a pink-and-white. I filled half the jars with sugar and layered the pink-andwhites on top. Then I tied a bow around the jars with a pink ribbon.
Marshmallow B i r t h d ay Muffins
B i r t h d ay Punch
I used my favorite cupcake recipe,
I filled the chalkboard pitchers (also from
spread marshmallow cream
Amazing Savings) with
over the ready cupcakes (melted
lemonade. Then, I added a
white chocolate also makes an
cubed strawberry freeze
easy icing), and clustered mini
pop to each. It looked
marshmallows on top. For the
adorable while the pop
candles, I cut colored Twizzlers
was still frozen, and once
into thirds. Then, I pushed a
the pop melted, it gave the
toothpick through each, allowing
lemonade a pretty pink
a bit to stick out, and stuck a
color—and a delicious taste!
candy corn on top. Make a wish!
Emoji Ice Cream Dessert I let a tub of ice cream thaw a bit and added two small bags of pink oodles. I mixed it up and put it back in the freezer. When it was fully frozen again, I made scoops and for decoration, I used more oodles to create an emoji. Then I stuck an upside down sugar cone on top for a birthday hat. Smile! S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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2
ow do you make seven even without adding, subtracting, H multiplying or dividing?
3
here is an eight-letter-word that when you take one letter at a time, T it still always stays a word, without changing the order of the letters. Can you guess?
4
What has a head, a tail, is brown and has no legs?
5
The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am i?
6
Which keys cannot open any doors?
7
hat is black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when W you throw it away?
8
I n the Klein Family, each of the boys has the same amount of brothers as sisters. Each of the girls has twice as many brothers as sisters. How many boys and girls are in the family?
9
Which two years looked the same when written upside down?
10
all I am young, short I am old, with life I glow, wind is my foe. What T am I?
11
Re-arrange these letters to spell just one word: O O U S W T D N E J R
12
What belongs to you, but others use it more than you?
13
I am not alive, but I grow; I don’t have lungs, but I can’t survive without air; I don’t have a mouth but water kills me. What am I?
14
When is a doctor most annoyed?
15
I ’m as small as an ant, as big as a whale; I’m fast as a leopard and slow as a snail; I don’t need the moon but depend on the sun, I’m gentle enough but from me you can’t run. What am I?
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1. When you add two hours to eleven o’clock! 2. By dropping the ‘S’! 3. Starting: staring, string, sting, sing, sin, in, I! 4. A penny! 5. Footsteps! 6. Piano keys! 7. Check the charcoal next time you grill! 8. Four 9. 1961, 1881! 10. A candle! 11. Just one word! 12. Your name! 13. Fire! 14. When he is out of patients! 15. A shadow!
When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?
Answers:
1
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BRICK BY BRICK H
ow can we rebuild the Beis Hamikdosh? By doing the opposite of what caused it to be destroyed.
In short, it is called Ahavas Chinam. To find out exactly what that means, try putting these bricks together, and make sure to follow what the message tells you. May it truly be rebuilt speedily, in our days!
Bricks fit like a puzzle into grid on the “Wall”. You may cut out the pieces to put it together by shape, or fill in using a pencil. The message reads across, with correct capitalization, periods and spaces. __________________________________________________________________________ Send in your completed “Wall” to sparks@rayim.org and enter a free drawing to receive an exciting gift
Answers: Be kind. Speak nicely. Judge favorably. Do good. Smile. 9 0 | S PA R K S
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p e a k
B e n i c e
f a g o o d
k i n l y . d .
J
v o r a .
s u d g e
b l y . S m i l D o
e . S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7
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SPARKS M AGA Z I N E
It is cold and dark. The fire is out. Its power to light and warm has been extinguished. There seems to be no hope. But wait! There is one tiny spark among the dying embers that still flickers with life. It has the potential to reignite into huge and glorious flames that will radiate warmth and light. Sparks, the power of rebirth, of bringing to life new hope and joy.