I RAN TO JESUS

By Haley Van Horn

If you had told me two years ago that I was headed to school at Colorado State University, letting go of my lifelong run toward collegiate sports, and immersing myself in the Catholic community, I probably would’ve laughed in your face, and told you that you’re crazy and to leave me alone. My heart was hard, my soul was focused on temporary things, and my life was full of brokenness, hurt, and confusion. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. But the Lord had different plans for me.

He asked me to let go of all that I was attached to and trust Him on one special occasion at Candlelight Mass while visiting my brother up in Fort Collins. And so there I was in the Freshman dorms at CSU, completely lost and confused as to why I was there, yet I had a deep knowledge and trust that I was supposed to be right where I was, doing exactly what I was doing. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.

I didn’t know what life looked like without the lens of an athlete on my eyes. I realized I actually had to meet people; they wouldn’t just be on my team. I couldn’t go to my coach’s office to get food and relax away from all the chaos. My identity didn’t consist of just playing basketball. So what did it consist of? Who and what would I go to, to get away from the chaos and to talk when I had a lot of thought running through my mind? Who would I choose to surround myself with when they weren’t just placed right in my life?

Well, the answers to all these questions are a lot longer than this page but in shorter terms, I ran to Jesus when I needed to talk; he gave me lots of grace and spiritual food necessary to fight the good fight. I found my identity first and foremost as a daughter of a very merciful Lord. And in running full speed into the church, I found many people doing the same who I could not thank enough for their support and love in the race toward eternity.

Throughout the year, one of the most important things I learned was the importance of community and surrounding oneself with those who push you and help you to become exactly who you are meant to be. You see, I knew Jesus my whole life from afar, but it wasn’t until I realized that He is in everyone and everything around me that I realized that I can even encounter Him through others in a very real way.

College comes with many unexpected experiences, most of which were not necessarily easy yet very necessary for growth, just as most people experience in life. One thing my mom engrained in my head growing up is that when you don’t know what to do or where to run, run to the church. So not knowing anyone or anything, I found myself in the pew of St. Johns praying for the Lord to show me what I am doing here and why He has led me here. And he met me where I was at, just like He does with me and you every day. He loved me in my struggle, my hurt, my pain, and my confusion. He saw me as I was and took me by the hand and led me through my life in a way I had never experienced. More and more I found myself frequenting daily Mass, confession, adoration, Tasty Tuesday, Candlelight Mass, and bible study, among other activities.

Without people to push me and encourage me in my faith I would be in a whole different world living an entirely different life. Community is so very necessary and while I sometimes find myself pushing others away out of defense mechanisms, the reality is that we are meant for community. Jesus had His and He gave us those around us to help us in our life too. Sometimes it’s not easy for me to live in community; it means hard conversations, putting others before yourself, sacrificing with love, schedule changes, and much, much more. But the other side of it means growth and joy and peace and laughter and support and learning and love - and it is so worth it.

Lately, I have been struggling with the word vulnerability, with how much it is used and said in just about every talk or conversation I have with a Catholic. After reflecting on why this began to happen, I realized it is because it hurts. Vulnerability means opening up and allowing oneself to be hurt and to feel the hurt that may be uncomfortable. And it is terrifying. But oh the freedom that comes with it.

To allow light to be shed and love to be poured into that wound, only through Jesus, is far better than the pain that comes with allowing the deep parts of ones heart to fester and grow until the pain of holding it all in becomes unbearable. So I guess if I were to sum up how the Lord has worked in my life throughout the past year and a half, I would tell you that He has given me the community I didn’t know I needed and the grace to follow Him every day, even in my failures, that I might lead others to Him in the specific and unique way that He has asked me to.