SPECIAL FEATURE QueenAfi

Queen Afi (AH'PHEE) was born in Washington, DC, to Henry and Altoria Gaston. She is the proud mother of three children, Juelz Gaston, James Stephens III, and (05.09.16). She is a graduate of the McKinley High School in Washington, DC, Class of ‘93. QueenAfi is the founder of Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags (DVWMT), an educational resource for the prevention of domestic violence, nicknamed the school for domestic violence. Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice from American Intercontinental University, Hoffman Illinois, Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling, Capella University, Minneapolis Minnesota, and she is currently pursuing her PhD, Advanced Studies in Human Behavior, Capella University, Minneapolis, Minnesota.

QUEENAFI is also a mental health consultant, domestic violence expert/consultant, and talk show host for “The Abuser’s Side Education,” which educates on the warning signs of abusive personality from a female and male perspective. She is also an accomplished moderator for community events, a renowned blogger and a motivational speaker on issues of domestic violence and mental health. Given her passion to help and heal, she offers private in-person and phone sessions for individuals, groups, training staff, geared toward domestic violence education and recovery. Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags (DVWMT) is based in Southeast Washington, DC: Nick name “The School for Domestic Violence” In 2008, she founded the Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags (DVWMT) organization.

DVWMT is a local non-profit serving as an educational and resource center for victims and abusers of domestic violence, in the mission of breaking the cycle and teaching pro-active methods of prevention. DVWMT is dedicated to restoring and preserving a stable family environment through educational services. QueenAfi spends her time introducing a new approach against domestic violence, not only to victims but also to abusers, and is inclusive of men, women, and teens. QueenAfi used her passion to sober the anger and frustration concerning her domestic violence trials and tribulations. DVWMT classroom offers community classroom sessions free and held monthly to bring fresh perspective and prevention strategies for ending domestic violence. RallyUp Magazine (RUM) was able to have a very heartfelt conversation with QueenAfi, a women of great strength. We appreciate her willing to share...

RUM: What effect did domestic violence have on your mental health, as both the victim and the abuser?

QueenAfi: I was approaching everything and everyone with emotionally unhealthy with no sense of remorse, as both, I thought, it’s my life to live and no one can stop or tell me anything pertaining to the abusive relationships that I found myself in. Mentally, I was drained trying to keep up as both and I was so unhealthy mentally, I decided I would kill, and I became homicidal along with postpartum depression because in one relationship I’d just had my oldest son. But today I am reminded by, “don't approach the problem being the problem, approach the problem being the solution.” ~QueenAfi

RUM: During your personal fight to bring awareness to domestic violence in communities, you shared that you lost your daughter, Anaiona "Smiley-Nana" Gaston who was murdered due to the strongholds of domestic violence. Can you share what those strongholds were?

QueenAfi: The strongholds are the tags of domestic violence, verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical abuse. I found my daughter caught up between verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. I personally witness my daughter suffering in wanting her ex to communicate healthy but instead he silenced her, I watch my daughter emotionally crumbling inside because the affection and emotional connection was now humiliation and name calling. Financially she had to supply her vehicle in order to be in a relationship with him, she had to use her credit in order for him to benefit, and when my daughter got pregnant, he gave nothing in support of his own child to be safely delivered, May 9, 2016. Physically, the classic, using force to cause bodily harm, and the destruction of property started to appear, approximately, 30 days before he actually killed her on 07.30.2019.

RUM: Smiley left behind her beautiful daughter, Blake Gaston, how are you coping and maintaining your mental health as it pertains to your daughter's death, to ensure you able to care for her daughter?

QueenAfi: I’ve been resilient since the day of my daughter’s murder, 07. 30. 2016; I had a domestic violence event to do within six hours of my daughter being murdered and I was confused about going to my event or cancelling it altogether. I thought about it, and the decision would be based on the return of Blake, my daughter’s than 2 month old daughter. I decided, if I get Blake back from CPS with in four hours of my daughter being murdered and the event start time, I will not cancel my event. I didn’t cancel, I got Blake back home safe and sound and I proceeded with my event to educate the community on men hurt too: the other side of domestic violence. Most people had no clue my daughter was murdered but I shared that with them at the event. I share this for you to understand, I will not stop talking about domestic violence wears many tags and giving dinner tables across the world a voice to discuss this topic, and that’s what’s been helping me cope and of course Blake is a big of that because without her I couldn’t go on, and she hasn’t left my side, even though, I relive the murder of my daughter every day. Blake is the reason why I press my way to continue to celebrate the life love and legacy of Smiley.

RUM: Any regrets?

In my personal journey, as victim and abuser, I regret, it was not a QueenAfi to talk to my younger self about domestic violence. As far as my journey with my daughter, I regret two thing’s (a) not taking my daughter’s car, I believe, if I would have taken that car on the night before the murder, she may just still be here. Wild thing is, I had every intention of taking the keys to her car, but, when I woke up and saw my daughter on the news 6:30 am, I knew my plan was over (b) my daughter not using the tools that she encouraged me to talk about with her peers, in schools, community events, faith-based community, etc., and that was domestic violence wears many tags.

RUM: Last, what advice would give someone who is currently in an abusive relationship and want to get out? DVWMT: CHANGING THE DYNAMICS OF THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXIT PLAN TO INCLUDE THE ABUSERS M/F THINKING

QueenAfi: First, victims m/f (male and female) must devise their exit plan with their abuser m/f in mind ~QueenAfi

A. STAY! Victims m/f and cooperate; become the person you were when you first encountered the abuse. Make everything appear and feel the same to the abuser, and try not to switch up. Victims need time and a little peace to plan their exit. Appearing trustworthy and caring is in the victim's best interest to plan effectively.

B. STOP ALL VICTIM THREATS! The abuser m/f doesn’t appreciate it when the victim makes threats to leave the relationship or make threats about taking the children and never coming back. Keep in mind, most victims that abruptly leave abruptly die; approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship (Prepared by Anne L. Ganley, Ph.D. for the Family Violence Prevention Fund). C. SECRET! Victims m/f must devise their exit plan in secret. The abuser m/f can have "no clue" of your exit plan. We are talking about a permanent exit and not a "just leave" for the moment exit. Victims follow steps a and b and continue to be strategic, planning in secret. Do not make calls, or text apps from your cell phone, because abusers are technology savvy; victims do all your research in secret.

C. SECRET! Victims m/f must devise their exit plan in secret. The abuser m/f can have "no clue" of your exit plan. We are talking about a permanent exit and not a "just leave" for the moment exit. Victims follow steps a and b and continue to be strategic, planning in secret. Do not make calls, or text apps from your cell phone, because abusers are technology savvy; victims do all your research in secret.

D. SAFETY! Let’s get one thing straight, victims m/f are safe staying in the relationship versus leaving the relationship. Second, the aftermath of domestic violence is dangerous, just because victims exit; it doesn't mean they are safe. Keep in mind 20% of bystanders are killed trying to help victims exit. Victims find a professional outside your circle of family/friends to help encourage you to trust your exit plan. E. SEEK HELP! Victims m/f shouldn’t wait to seek help after an exit from an abusive relationship. Victims should seek immediate mental health for themselves and their children. Victims are welcome to call in secret the national hotline for domestic violence to get current resources in their state 1-800-799-SAFE.

In Remembrance of Queen's daughter Anaiona "Smiley/Nana" Gaston November 2, 1996-July 30, 2016 #Smile4SmileyLoveMovement #TurnTragedyIntoLove 1 Million People Need to Know Smiley's Story

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