Sincerely, Me Lacks Sincerity

A GLASSIE'S GUIDE TO

CIARAN GREIG

‘That bastard!’

This is the sound of my mother, a few champagnes in at my cousin’s wedding, learning about my friend Nadia’s recent breakup. I giggled as people around us turned to see what had happened to make my mother gasp. My mother was outraged to hear about how Nadia’s ex had treated her in the dying days of their four-year relationship.

I was outraged too. But as a writer, every heartbreak strewn across my path is an opportunity. And this was a juicy one.

THE GOSS: Nadia’s long-term boyfriend had been coy about moving in together. She was more than ready for it, he was not. Then, Nadia got one of those messages no-one wants to see ping into their inbox. Hey Nadia, I’m really sorry to tell you this…

The Bastard had been talking to someone else. The Bastard had been on a date with someone else.

It was over. Well and truly. And though Nadia knew that it was for the best, she couldn’t help but feel entirely broken and lost in the wake of the breakup.

I caught up with Nadia earlier this week to chat heartbreak, healing, and how to put yourself back together in four steps.

Understand Why Heartbreak Hurts

This first tip is my own. In the wake of my first breakup, I watched a 12-minute TedTalk called How to Fix a Broken Heart. It might sound cheesy, but it was methodical and logical and exactly what I needed to understand what I was going through.

In the talk, psychologist Guy Winch explains that to your brain, being in love is like being on drugs. It activates similar pathways and produces similar chemicals. So, a breakup is a withdrawal from a drug, and reminiscing on happier days with your ex is just your brain trying to get its fix.

Something that helped both Nadia and me after our recent breakups was making a list of all the reasons our previous partners weren’t right for us. Mine included small things like the fact that he slept with no doona cover (gross) and bigger things, like the fact that our moral compasses didn’t really align.

Nadia made her list mentally. I wrote mine down, took a picture of it, and carried it with me wherever I went. Whenever I started to feel a bit sad and reminisce about the sweet parts of the failed relationship, I would get out the list and remind myself what it was really like to sleep with no doona cover night after night. I even read out the list to my friends. It was cathartic on so many levels to talk candidly about the relationship and laugh about it with people who loved me.

Change Their Name on Your Phone

During my most recent breakup earlier this year, my friend Ash turned to me and said, ‘Ciaran, that man has the emotional maturity of a pair of kitchen scissors.’

I decided this would be a perfect moniker for the said man and promptly changed his name in my phone to ‘Kitchen Scissors’, complete with a scissor emoji. It worked exactly as intended – each time he texted me, or I went to text him, I would be reminded of exactly why we weren’t right for each other.

I’ve also seen people on TikTok doing this in a different way – each time you end things with someone, you ‘add them to the graveyard’ in your contacts by changing their name to a solitary headstone emoji.

This tip works best if you primarily message someone through text messages. You could also do this through messenger, but the person will be able to see that you’ve changed their name. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing. Up to you, Glassies.

Give Yourself a Little Grace

Heartbreak hurts. It really does. Let yourself fall in a heap occasionally, if that’s what you need. Give yourself grace. Maybe even share your heartbreak with someone – I can almost guarantee you the person you share your story with will understand, and will likely have experienced that same thing.

My friend Nadia is doing well. She'll be living in London by the time this issue goes to print (!), is looking hot AF, and even managed to pick up a cute new guy at Maya Mexican a few weekends ago. She’ll be more than fine. I know it. And you will too, Glassies.

This piece was originally published on qutglass.com

Keep Busy, Biatch

Keeping yourself occupied is important on so many levels. This was one of Nadia’s key strategies in the wake of her breakup. She mentioned how so much of the pain of a breakup is manifested in a really sudden shift in routine – you’re no longer texting that special someone when you wake up or before you go to bed. Your weekends look different, your bed might be colder.

Nadia used all of her extra time to read. She read and read like she’d never done before. She spent time with the friends she’d neglected while in the relationship. She daydreamed about her future.

I think the key here is to add things to your life (‘fill the void’, as Nadia said). Breakups can leave a gaping hole, but holes can be filled pretty darn easily with a bit of creativity and imagination.

Dear Women

Trigger warning: Sexual Assault

Dear Women,

Subject: It’s time for us to take up the space we deserve

In 2006, Tarana Burke used the phrase 'Me Too' to raise awareness for women who have experienced sexual violence. Eleven years later, this movement reached global recognition after American actress Alyssa Milano tweeted #MeToo, detailing her assault at the hands of Harvey Weinstein.

We’re in 2022 now, and we have come a long way since this movement peaked in 2017 – Harvey Weinstein has since been convicted on rape and sexual assault charges. While back in Australia, Queensland rape law now recognises that rape can be committed in private by someone known to the complainant, and consent cannot be automatically inferred based on what the complainant was wearing, whether they were intoxicated, if they followed the offender to a private area, a lack of physical resistance, or their prior sexual history. These have been harrowing battles that we, the women of the world, have fought and won in the legal sector. However, despite this being recognised by law, we still have much further to go within the social discourse around rape and sexual assault. For too long, women have had to shoulder the burden of protecting their abuser’s reputation, not disrupting the patriarchal standards of society, and suppressing years of sexual trauma because some things just 'aren’t that big of a deal'.

We have been told – either overtly by men, or inadvertently by society – that most 'minor' experiences don’t warrant an emotional reaction. These 'minor' experiences are when men catcall us while walking outside, grab our arse or boob while dancing in a club, tell us to smile more, make inappropriate sexual comments, leer about what we’re wearing, and go beyond our boundaries in sex. Society tells us that we should not make a fuss about this because 'it’s just what happens'. These experiences are not minor. Most are deemed by law to be sexual harassment and assault, so why are they not perceived as such socially? I refuse to accept this behaviour any longer, and I refuse to suppress any of these experiences again. I was raped in 2019. It was someone I knew before it happened. I willingly followed him into a private room. I was intoxicated. I didn’t report it afterwards. If I tried to, there would have been a five per cent chance of him being convicted. With only a few bruises on my body and my word against his, I knew deep down there was no hope. So, I stuffed this traumatic experience into a dark place deep in my brain and tried not to think about it again.

It’s taken me three years to finally confront this memory, recognise that it was, in fact, rape and slowly attempt to work through it properly in therapy. Each time I faced a 'minor' experience at the hands of men, I was told that it is just a part of being a woman in this current climate. This translated in my brain to mean that I had no right to feel upset and must simply move on. If the narrative around this issue is centred on women to just 'grin and bear it' or, even worse, to pre-empt being harassed or assaulted and protect ourselves, how are we supposed to talk openly about rape when the onus is on how we contributed to it?

The injustice survivors experience is stark when compared to almost any other traumatic event. For example, when someone’s house burns down, they are not immediately told that it’s a common occurrence and just the risk you must accept if you want to live in a house. When someone experiences a car crash, they are not invalidated by their experience if they can’t recall specific elements of the event. When someone is robbed, the blame is not placed on them for having too many valuable possessions. But when it comes to the so-called 'minor' experiences of women, we are routinely told it is standard practice, that it’s just a part of being a woman, that it didn’t happen if we can’t remember the details, and we had it coming because we dressed provocatively or lead a man on. Just because this has happened to every woman I know does not mean 'it’s just what happens' or that it should be dismissed as just a 'part of being a woman'. It means this is a systemic issue that has been shoved under the rug for too long. The discourse surrounding how those 'minor' experiences are dealt with acts as a gateway to silencing women about rape ans sexual assault. Time is well and truly up for rape and sexual assault to be dealt with in this archaic way.

It’s time for us to take up the space we deserve in society and speak truthfully without shame about what we have endured at the hands of men for far too long. It’s time for us to allow ourselves to feel upset, angry, frustrated, distraught, and all the other emotions when we face these 'minor' experiences. It’s time for us to make the men around us confront their privilege daily. Sexual violence against women won’t end overnight, but we can vow that we will make space to feel how we want to feel, and to say what we want to say — so we don’t have to carry this burden alone anymore.

Men, if you don’t believe me, ask a woman you know today about her experiences with sexual violence and watch your worldview crumble before your eyes. Women, take time today to appreciate how much we have overcome and understand that they are not 'minor' experiences – it is sexual assault and harassment, and regardless of the circumstances, you are validated in how you feel.

Sending love to you on this International Women’s Day,

Ella