Impact Award for Prose Writing Smoking Embers Clay Whelan, Class of 2024
The phone in Elio’s hands clatters onto the tile flooring in front of them. They press into the wall at their back, hard. A breath shudders through their lungs and sticks at their throat, burning a fiery chasm through their esophagus. There’s a noticeable tremble in their fingertips as they struggle to pick the phone back off the floor. That message is still there, right in front of them, words glowing white against blue. For a wild second, Elio considers retracting everything they’ve said; tell Bay that it was just the moment, they were just upset, they want to keep trying to make this work. “Delivered” is replaced by “Read” and Elio bites their lip to stop the tears welling up in their eyes. It’s too easy to imagine Bay, gasping in disbelief. Maybe they collapsed, are screaming in agony on the floor, maybe they’re cursing Elio’s name. Maybe they regret everything now, the way Elio does. Or… or maybe they don’t, maybe they’re reading this and nodding slowly the way they do sometimes they realize they can’t do much but accept something. They made it clear that this didn’t matter as much to them as it did to Elio, didn’t they? That the whispered “I love you”s were simply the words you say to suspend the fantasy of a good time until you’re ready to go home? Elio rubs at their temples with the heels of their palms, letting the phone settle on their lap. There’s no reply. There haven't even been dots to show typing. A surge of something white-hot and terrified jolts through Elio’s insides. What if… what if Bay just never says anything? They could leave this open wound festering on the table and never seal it up. Why, really, wouldn’t they? It’s their fault, after all. All of it, everything, all of the shouting and the world up in smoke. All of the kisses that left Elio’s mind scrambling to make sense of betrayal in the daze. It would make sense for Bay to do that. To leave Elio floating lifeless in the once-beautiful river they built together. Because maybe it isn’t Bay that didn’t know how to let go, that held on too long even after everything crumbled. Bay lost feelings. That was the justification. “I lost feelings but I didn’t want to hurt you. And I see now that I did that anyway, probably worse that I would have. But I don’t want to let you go.”
