The Drop- September 2020 by Project Transcend

THE DROP SEPTEMBER 2020 ISSUE VOL. 1

SHIFT

(left to right) Nick, Samantha Joseph, Garet Weissenborn, Makenzie Davis 2

A LETTER FROM THE

ISSUE EDITOR

It’s no accident that for our first official release of The Drop we chose the direction to be centered around shift. Under this umbrella of shifts, I even wrestled with the very definition of "shift" because did I even know? Is a shift also a transition and vice versa? Are we talking physical shifts in life events or energetic shift? All questions I don’t think are easy to answer and maybe it’s better that way. Nonetheless, we accepted the challenge of creating something we could be proud of. ProjecTranscend alone was born out of our desire to be an authentic platform where we as creatives could create, share, and collaborate within our own terms. Despite the confines of general life structure, i.e. being in an academic institution with people your own age can often feel like you’re not progressing at the speed of everyone else. Everyone reminds you your whole life to run your own race, which is true, but the race has a bunch of factors that determine how that sprint’s gonna go. Some people run the 400m or the 800m and some people are really amazing at doing hurdles. (I’m taking this metaphor a bit too far, but you get the idea). I say all this to explain and hopefully relate to you why it was so valuable for us to cultivate a project that, at its core, would be a connection that isn’t defined by medium, geographic location, or time. These are all factors that often get in the way of making or sharing the art that we’re so passionate about. Although, we may not be in the ideal circumstances to the fullest extent, now more than ever I think we owe it to ourselves to throw the rules to the wind and make the art/project/short film/photography album/music/screenplay/musical/editorial we always say we have no time for. In the upcoming issues, I can’t wait to see these pages filled with fye stories, think pieces, experimental photography, whatever it may be. This inaugural issue of The Drop is our introduction to you, but in no way is this about us. This first issue of content is led by and created by the team merely as we’re learning and growing alongside you and want to see you in these pages with us doing the same .

Sincerely,

Makenzie Davis

A LETTER FROM THE

TEAM

Welcome officially to the inaugural issue of The Drop! We have put our whole selves into this first issue, and we are beyond ecstatic and appreciative of your time and support in taking a moment to experience this with us. We came upon creating The Drop by wanting to establish a place to specifically focus on and highlight BIPOC and QTGN creatives. This first issue is a sneak peek into our lives and the shift that ProjecTranscend has created for and within us. For this issue, we are introducing the team behind The Drop, and how we have navigated shifts in our own lives and communities. The Drop will continue to provide you with real, honest, and energizing stories, art, and content that features all things black, brown, indigenous, queer, and trans. We make the rules. We are the table. The Drop, and ProjecTranscend, are the people in your corner making sure you EAT and get your bag. We would like to emphasize that the goal for this inaugural issue and future issues is not to talk about ourselves, but to open ourselves up so that others may see themselves and connect. We created ProjecTranscend to bring visibility to those who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get to see themselves and their identity affirmed positively or holistically within different avenues of media and beyond. We are here to be some of the many people in your corner! Speaking of "People in Your Corner", stay tuned for the first episode of our "People in Your Corner" podcast premiering on all podcast streaming platforms on Monday, September 28th. Once again, thank you to all who continue to support and show up for us. We are here to tell the truth because we care, and mean it. Welcome to The Drop.

In community,

The ProjecTranscend Team

T TN NE ET TN NO OC C F FO O E EL LB BA AT

SHIFT

LETTERS FROM THE ISSUE EDITOR AND FROM THE TEAM

3-4

AN INTERVIEW WITH MAKENZIE DAVIS by Nick

CTRL+ALT+DEL by Makenzie Davis

AN INTERVIEW WITH SAMANTHA JOSEPH by Garet Weissenborn

AN OPEN LETTER by Samantha Joseph

OH SHI(F)T: UNDERSTANDING LOVECRAFT COUNTRY by Samantha Joseph

AN INTERVIEW WITH NICK by Makenzie Davis

TO THE OTHER HALF by Nick

AN INTERVIEW WITH GARET WEISSENBORN by Samantha Joseph

LITTLE BUTTERFLY, WHERE TO NEXT? by Garet Weissenborn

(QUEUE)STORY by Garet Weissenborn

Find the shift in the ~vibes~ of the playlist and comment the title of the song for a chance to be featured on our page!

***For optimal listening, play through headphones or a speaker with shuffle off & crossfade set at 4 seconds***

MAKENZIE

DAVIS The Figure, The Fiery, The Fearless

I had the honor of sitting with Makenzie on a particularly melancholic afternoon in September. Keep reading for a look at what happens when a routine vibe-check beautifully spirals.

Interview by Nick How are you? I'm not sure. Been in an okay mood today, Could be the weather, I don't know, I feel like cloudy weather- or gloomy weather in New York feels ten times gloomier. And you just came back from North Carolina, right? Yeah, but also could be because of Breonna Taylor, because I know but still scared that in a few days the story is going to “die down” but that doesn't mean it still won't be in the back of our minds. So I don’t really know yet where else we go from here.

But, today’s also my dad’s birthday so it's a mix of things. Do you feel like you are where you need to be right now? With all of the things happening around you and in your life right now, are you in a place where you can figure out the vibes for yourself and still function?

It depends on the day. Because today I am but maybe not a couple of days ago. I know that I am in the process of beginning to do the things that I want to do and work-wise I feel like for two weeks that’s all I’ve been doing. I’ve been in such a career mode, not even much school, but now that we’re in quarantine I feel like I need to provide some structure for myself so I need to-

get up and do things and provide tasks for myself because if I don't I just feel like I'm going stir crazy. It helps having friends here because we’re going through some of the same things together. And other times I want to go home” because… I want to be home. So, you talked a bit about how for the past few weeks you’ve been focused in this career mode, I’m just a bit curious about how you're handling the other things in your life or handling that shift in emotional focus? I guess maybe not that well because, like I said, it’s been distracting me and I’m a Capricorn so I always feel like I need to be doing something but I've just been so “Once I get this done, and once I have this I’ll finally be able to breathe and finally just get back on track with myself." I know its just a part of recentering where my energy lies but sometimes I can feel that I need to meet a certain goal or complete a task until I can feel centered and content. Not in an unhealthy way but knowing that this is just something I have to get through before I can recenter those different parts of my life. It’s not all at once, this time I'm pinpointing this one aspect.

I’m also realizing that everyone is just finessing as they go and it's not like people has it all figured out, all the time. I used to think “Oh, I want to learn how to do this!” and “How are they "Everyone has The back-and-forth from home achieving this before I am?” But it's strengths and to New York was hectic and not like that, it's just an things that we being back feels strange uncomfortable process not getting want to get because last time I was here, I discouraged because of what better at; so was in a whole different everyone else has going on. I know they’re not mindset. So I'm just trying to strengths yet but I can do some things really well and be content and adjust to so others I'll learn along the way. they’re not many things uncertain but still Everyone has strengths and things weaknesses finding a way to protect my that we want to get better at; so either. own joy and sanity. they’re not strengths yet but So what has the other side of quarantine they’re not weaknesses either. looked like for you? What do you see for yourself now moving I’ve been trying to live in my black girl joy forward into this aspect of not waiting for especially when I know I have a bunch of someone to validate your qualifications and reasons to be stressed and anxious. Also, in a experience? perfect world, I can align my career and So much of my being is heavy Earth Sign and I passions but I need to set boundaries in terms stay saying, “Okay, I don’t like how this is done of separating work related passions and general so i’m just going to do it myself,” which has its and hobbies I like to do. Reminding myself that downsides because then I don’t want to ask for I don't have to give everything a work help. Now I feel more energized to not wait for component and that I can write and it doesn't one singular event or position define what I have to be this deadline-ridden task to stress want to do. I want to write, and act, and about. I’ve been trying to remove the task and produce but I don't need to wait on anyone else rules from it so that I can actually enjoy the to tell how I should go about working towards things I enjoy doing. my bag. So, talk to me about, moving to New York first and then going home and being there for what? Five to six months? Being away from almost everyone and then coming back.

When I finally and wholeheartedly listened and digested Ctrl, I was well past the height of the album. Ctrl dropped in the midst of summer ‘17 but my mind felt preoccupied. The past few years of history in the United States felt b****** crazy, as do most years in this country. But these particular years were the oh-so-glamorized latter half of the teen years filled with anxiety, doubt about the looming future of ending high school but not too sad because let’s be real...getting up for school at 7 AM everyday isn’t in my spirit anymore.

ctrl del alt Words by Makenzie Davis

Ctrl Shoot Photography by Sage Adams

I initially did hear some of SZA’s first tape, Z, but Ctrl made me feel grounded at one of the most unstable points in my life. Ctrl also feels like an album that managed to age like fine wine which is probably why with every re-listen, the more I resonate with the lyricism which is a fancy way of saying I resonate with the lyrics as poetry as they flow and compliment each song. 2017 felt like a filler year for me, if there was such a thing. I don’t recall much. Which in retrospect is frightening but most of the time I just felt like I was gliding. I was grieving the loss of a parent, followed by the loss of a close aunt. I was on autopilot, for lack of better words and the proverbial gliding I was doing was a way to protect myself. Protect myself from the personal trauma I was faced with at the forefront of my mind, that I forgot that I was still a black girl trying to exist.

When Iistening to Ctrl I could just be. I feel a taste of cute indie black girl dancing in the forest wearing platform heels. I grew up around grown black women (I say grown because grown black women were my mom and my godmother and all the aunts who helped raise me but I only know them as grown working women since before I could remember). I knew what it felt like to get yourself together, be independent, focus on your own goals to get to where you need to be, but I didn’t know how to just be. How to be that carefree black girl because carefree felt odd and unfamiliar. Nothing wrong with hustling. Nothing wrong with black women existing either. From jump with Supermodel, I’m instantly envisioning myself sitting in the setting of SZA’s Go Gina Vevo LIFT performance, clad with tall grass and evergreen and tall mirrors. I could exist in this non-liminal black girl friendly space where I didn’t have to pretend like I had it together all the time. By the way, the alternative or alt-R&B category discussion is not over.

It’s not in me to compare genres because black people constructed modern music from nothing and I'm rooting for everybody black so. The best part about listening to music for me is that there is no limit, especially when said genres start to intersect. R&B has a special place in my heart and is often being merged with other sounds , which in my opinion only further legitimizes its' versatility. R&B had us singing Keyshia and Monica and Mary and Aretha and Jazmine at nine years old like we were grown, paying our own bills, and on the last straw with a man that’s not worth the time. So, we was singing GROWN. Imagine our excitement when the sounds of R&B, alternative, and neo-soul, were all resonating on Ctrl in a way that felt so familiar and so fulfilling.

Yes, ma’am. I get to be liberated (per Go Gina or Pretty Little Birds), messy because why have one boyfriend when you can also have a side? (I went a little far with the plot but, The Weekend), I get to sway to a song dedicated to vaginas! And you know 20 Something holds a special place in my heart for acknowledging that we all don’t know what we’re doing but I hope I keep my friends and my sanity in the process. Ctrl is now three years old and we are still in fact feening for SZA’s sophomore album. I’m feening along with everyone else but Ctrl is still easily a body of work that's grown with its' audience. Most importantly, I'm comforted in the pure peace of the everyday black girl joy that reminds I can be as dramatic, messy, normal, or completely out of control as I want.

AA H H TT NN PPHH AA SSEE M M OO A A JJ SS 15

SHIFT

SEPTEMBER ISSUE VOL 1 SEPT 2020

SAMANTHA JOSEPH On a random Thursday evening Garet sat down with Samantha to talk about what it means to shift, The good, the bad, the ugly and most importantly the vulnerable. By: Garet Weissenborn

How are you? Tired. I’m having an okay day. Yeah… I had a cool dream last night so that was great to walk into. What does shift mean to you, how do you define shift? Shifts to me are moments in my life that make me think: what am I doing? I think when I am at that point, where I am asking myself what am I doing, that is when I recognize I’ve changed or something has shifted. But if you want a textbook definition a shift is a change. It is a change.

How do you navigate shifts? Panic first. Panic always happens first. Whether I like to admit it or not, any shift after the initial question of what am I doing, there’s panic, because I don’t know. But, in true virgo fashion, I will do some research and find an answer. It is like let’s reassess, and then how do we move from here.

How do you really feel about the change that comes with shifts? I hate to be that person, but it depends on a basis to basis situation. Shifts are inevitable. And as much as I’m a very “if it ain’t broke” type of person…. I hate it. Why am I going to mess up a good thing? Which is why when I experience shifts, although the initial feeling or thought is panic, I know that shifts are circumstantial. Which means there have been things or experiences out of circumstance that have shifted me and they really sucked in the moment. But, once you are out of the shift you can recognize what was happening to you in the midst of it. Which is weird, because literally sometimes you can’t recognize when you are going through a shift until you are out of it. Then you are like, oh... okay. So really how I am feeling is... vulnerable. I think that’s also why I don’t like shifts and change, because that leaves me vulnerable to outside forces and to myself. Which is why if it ain’t broke, let’s keep it going. I know what happens here.

Are shifts absolutely necessary for growth?

Looking back, what shift/shifts in your life are you grateful for? Yes, when my initial middle school shut down I was so upset. I was gonna have to move into this new school, some of my friends were leaving, also as you know I’m the youngest….and all my sisters and my cousins all went through the school so it was up to me to finish up the tradition. But, then capitalism was like “no!” so my school got shut down. But that second school, like in middle school, truly shifted my life. My seventh grade teacher was the first one who actually intrigued me saying that you can be a writer and just being artistic in general. The inkling was always there you know? Your purpose is always in there from when the moment you are in the world, but people around you help you find it. My seventh grade teacher was that person for me. He’s the reason why I love Shakespeare. He actually went to NYU, which is why I even had NYU on my radar in high school, which I didn’t realize until I reread some of the notes he had. He passed away my sophomore year of high school. So that’s a shift, YEARS LATER, when I think I was coming into sophomore year of college and I started writing plays and stuff like that, it all clicked. I was writing and I was like …I had like that shift almost…. What is it now… how old are you when you are in middle school?... 11, 12?...Almost 1o years ago now has set me up for where I am right now, which blows my mind when I think about it. That was one shift where I was mad as fuck, but when I moved into the new realm and space, everything clicked. Years later, but everything still clicked.

Oh for a fact! Take for example PT [Projectranscend] happening and me moving into an apartment by myself. That was scary as fuck! That shift, explaining to my mom like “yeah, I’m going to move into an apartment” and I’m the youngest in my family. So my mom hearing her youngest daughter saying “yeah, I’m going to move to a completely different state!” even though I go to school there, and then pay rent and do real-life adult things was scary as fuck. The feeling around knowing that my life was going to change but I didn’t know what it looked like yet, was what was scary. I had to be open to it because now I can’t imagine not having my own room. I can’t imagine not living with y’all. I can’t imagine what my life would have been if I stayed home for another god knows how long. I don’t know what would have happened. And, I think that’s the most beautiful and irritating thing about shifts because you know you have to go through them and you don’t know the end result. However, once you come out on the other side everything you went through does change you into another person. The goal is always for better. But, some shifts if people don't find what was important in that moment can really hurt a person’s growth, next step and changes, and how they interact with people and how they feel love. I think that’s the most beautiful and frustrating thing about shifts because you don't know when they’re happening and you don't know how to handle them in the moment initially, but the result if you yield yourself, if you succumb to understanding that I’m shifting into something else, the end result is usually powerful.

What do you look forward most to upcoming shifts in your life? I am looking forward to career shifts. I think PT [Projectranscend] was the precursor to a world that I am about to delve into. As well as like… yeah it’s not even shifts in personal life I guess, I think I’m more excited for career shifts. I feel like I’m laying down the groundwork right now. Not fast enough in my opinion, but it’s coming and I know it’s going to be a lot. But, I know I will be better off because of it.

What do you absolutely hate about shifts? That I feel like I am always caught in the crossfire….that I don’t get a say I think that’s the most rude thing about shifts. Cause you create change, you don’t create shifts. Change is something you can control. You decide if you want to workout today. You decide if you want to change your outfit. A shift in your life is not controlled by you. I feel like I’m always caught in the crossfire of a shift and it really fucking sucks. A movie/tv show that represents a shift for you? How to Get Away with Murder. The scene where Viola Davis takes off her wig and takes off all her makeup, and then she’s married to this white dude and turns around in the chair and is like “Sam, why is your penis on a dead girl’s phone?” That was a huge shift for me. When that premiered and I was in freshman year of high school for me, I was like oh shit! I wanna do that [acting]. It was always there, but after I saw that… I just … I never saw it before. That television show was literally a cultural shift and reset.

What’s a play/musical that represents a shift for you? Blks. It’s spelled B-L-K-S. No vowels. Yes, Blks by.. Aziza Barnes…their writing…. They wrote one of the most influential plays to me because when I saw it, it just wasn’t what I ever saw before. Four black girls living in New York, and it’s rowdy, it’s honest. It covers sex, love, grief, pain, even having a mole on your vagina. Once I saw that play at MCC theatre, then I went home and was like I want to write. And then I had that connection to my teacher and I was like whew the universe. So that play was an influential shift to me.

An album/song/or musical artist that represents a shift? Actually, I know now. It’s Nao. I don’t know there’s just something about her and her spirit… and like Another Lifetime, Make it Out Alive, Orbit, Drive and Disconnect… it’s song after song after song that makes you feel something. #MsKaliUchis I just want to feel something. Yeah, that album is a shift.

AN OPEN LETTER Dear Breonna, Hi. I miss you. I count every day since. I think your soul is beautiful. I think you were too good for this world. I also think this world should’ve just done better by you. I wish I could hug you and we could talk about the future together. I wonder what the conversation would be between a Gemini and Virgo I wonder what could've happened if you had just picked up an extra shift that night. I wonder if the world actually cared for black women if you’d still be here. I always think about your mother and how she’s doing in all of this-- I always do. I wonder what you would’ve done for your 27th birthday all the time-- maybe even a party I wonder how you dedicated your life to helping others but those who are there to “protect” you, failed you. I wanted to say thank you for your spirit, your joy, your life, your smile, your entity. We will never forget you. We will say your name through streets, forests, and chasms of the universe. To Black Women: Know that you are loved. Know that everything in the world comes from you. So you can be angry. You can cry. You can live life in any way you want to. Let no one dim your shine. Always grow and discover new things. Take care of yourself first. If you don't know how, that’s okay. You learn to take care of yourself. Go to therapy. Heal. Move. Breathe. Dance, laugh, scream, be. I love you. I love you. I love you.

-Sam

(In order of appearance) Sumanna Bartlet, Jerynee Monroe, Sam Gee

OH SHI(F)T: Understanding Lovecraft Country Words by Samantha Joseph

Let’s start with the basics: Black people have always had talent. Fact. Black people and their innate talent have also been ignored in the entertainment industry based on many things including everything in America being rooted in white supremacy. Also fact. So how did we get here in the entertainment industry? Really, I’ll be honest here I’m not concerned with the answer to that question right now. Although it is worth answering, that would mean this piece would end up being a very long article explaining blackness and where capitalism, racism, the patriarchy among a plethora of other things intersect and have gotten us here today. Like I said, I’m not really concerned with that, but I am far more interested in unpacking Lovecraft Country.

The new HBO series not only indicates that the landscape of the industry is indeed shifting, but elevates what it means to tell a story in television. The story crosses several genres including horror, fantasy, historical narrative, and the supernatural among other influences that have offered probably some of the best television to premiere this year. Misha Greene the mastermind behind Underground and the development of Lovecraft Country into a television series now has a new home at HBO. And when the question of how a show like Lovecraft where blackness is the center of the story while simultaneously intersecting with religion, folklore, sci-fi and the Jim Crow Era seamlessly with immaculate music supervision, on HBO no less, fans wanted to know how did they manage to pitch this show.

Misha Green replied to a tweet, with a picture of a note card from her pitch to HBO which I will get back to later--it’ll be important. But let’s understand HBO as an entity first. Traditionally the Home Box Office (HBO) at first started as a network for airing movies after their time in theaters. Along with its success of acquiring movies off the big screen, the network thrived in live sports specifically boxing. The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire also kept the network’s target audience in mind-- old white men. But in recent years with hits like Insecure, Random Acts of Flyness, Black Lady Sketch Show, Euphoria, I May Destroy You, and most recently Lovecraft Country, the network seems to be more than aware of its shift in audience and content.

Now let’s get back to that note card with Green’s pitch of Lovecraft. The pitch focused on HP Lovecraft and while the show is adapted from Matt Ruff’s 2016 novel of the same title, Green used HP Lovecraft, the American author celebrated for his pulp fiction and horror writing, to make a point. "HP Lovecraft wrote some of the most celebrated pulp fiction...He even has an entire subsection of the genre named after him. Google “Lovecraftian horror”... you know what else he wrote? A poem entitled “The Creation of Niggers” Yes. He was a notorious racist.” (Twitter) Although it’s only a snippet of the full pitch we understand why Lovecraft is more than a show that is defying all the odds in its structure and content. Lovecraft actively reclaims not only the genre of sci-fi and the supernatural and the feelings of the uncanny for black people but also sets a new precedent to show how blackness interacts with these genres and those who were once gatekeepers to these subjects. Lovecraft’s legacy will be quite a shift in defining standards of what it means to be a story without bounds and I can’t wait for season two.

Watch Lovecraft Country on HBO Sundays at 9/8c.

Just Nick. Nick and I sat down to have the following conversation around our cheap (yet sturdy and reliable) kitchen table/office table/desk/chopping board/rolling tray.

Words by Makenzie Davis

M: So just humor me, what transition or general stage (or shift) in life is often overlooked?

N: I honestly think it’s the little small shifts that people overlook. It's like all of these things change and one day you wake up and it's like “Damn, I don’t recognize myself.” I think about my freshman year coming into college and yeah, sure, that was a shift for me but I also had a lot of other stuff going on in my life, so college was truly very low on my list. But I was meeting and growing to love the people around me and myself, so some days I would just wake up and be like “Hm, I think today I’m gonna dye my hair,” or

“I think I’m gonna start learning how to do my makeup,” and these were all those little things that now I look at myself and at freshman year, and I can’t tell you who the hell that is…. But it’s never like I don’t recognize myself in a negative sense, and I think that’s the kicker that people overlook, it could really be something as simple as “Oh, I’m gonna decide not to eat dairy anymore, because I’m lactose intolerant.” That’s actually been a problem for me.

N: Both. But the dairy thing is just an example of you making the decision to consciously take better care of yourself. That seems like a really big deal but we don’t ever really think about the small things as the big deals as they really are.

M: Especially because I think a lot about the big things and events that catch you by surprise. When big shifts or uncomfortable changes happen, I miss the little everyday things that used to annoy me on a daily basis or wish I had a “normal” to M: The dairy? Or being lactose go back to. But the normal is always changing. intolerant?

N: It reminds me of when I was back in high school, out doing shit that I had no business doing at times I had no business being out or awake and thinking that the shit I was dealing with would've been easier with more freedom. I don’t have a curfew now but I’m still out doing shit I have no business doing at hours I ain’t got no business being awake. On top of that, I now have ~adult~ problems and I think about how a lot of our problems don’t really go away. Even if we do work with a therapist or ourselves or however, the core is there. I have found in my

experience, all of the things that troubled me in my life were caused by specific things or experiences, yes, but can all be drawn back to the same root of a different problem that exists now that I’m twenty. M: I mean at the root of the problem sure, will always be there but I remember you saying a while back that you’ll be excited to have new problems or other priorities like later in your twenties/early thirties. N: I’ve just been places and been through a lot and a large part of it was just put on me by the people making the decisions about my life at the time. And they didn’t know what the hell they were doing either, they were faking it too. I didn’t grow up most of my life with both of my parents so that put me in positions where I was with people who didn’t necessarily ask to be raising my brother and I. They didn’t plan and weren’t prepared for it and I had to compromise a lot of myself to take care of myself, so I do look forward to being thirty and for my problems to be because I’m living for me. M: The basic necessities. Then, how do you feel that relates to living/taking care of yourself as an adult but also we’re still kinda kids and very much flying by the seat of our pants. It’s giving very beginner adult things because I still very much don’t feel like a full adult and maybe it’s an eighteen to twentyone or twenty-four age thing in general. Twenty just felt mad old when I was fifteen but that was dead five years ago. N: I just really feel like I’ve been twenty since I was fourteen. And then I turned twenty and I didn’t expect it to hit me the way it did. I now just feel like I’m running out of time and I know I literally just said I’m looking forward to being thirty with some different problems but I also turn around and look back at being ten years old and being an adult seemed so far, so far from being able to make my own decisions. Also not having to be at the mercy of other people and now here I am, an adult, yet still at the mercy of capitalism or at the mercy of the

institution I go to or whether or not I can find a job. M: Well then we’re just in an age group that is slowly starting to have more agency and responsibility to handle and it progresses more and more overtime. N: Yeah, because that’s a really weird but specific thing younger generations are building a different and, in some ways, stronger understanding about capitalism and institutionalized racism at a younger age. So when they are ten, twelve, fifteen years old, they may not have that same disappointment I did at the fact that no matter what decisions I want to make, there’s still systems in place that have agency and power over me and the people that look like me and that a lot of my life is going to be spent trying to dismantle them. M: Say more on the concept of running out of time because...you are in fact an Earth sign… N: Always gonna rep, Virgo sun, Capricorn moon, also Leo rising (they made me add that last part). I don’t say this proudly at all whatsoever but I’m a very deeply envious person. It’s actually been an issue my entire life and don’t get me wrong, I’m very sure in myself and I know the bad bitch that my mother raised. But also, I have issues reconciling the fact that we are all moving progressively on different timelines. Then we have school in general further reinforcing this mentality because a lot of us grow up with the same people for years because we’re put in school with people our age and the only people that don’t progress with us are the people that are held back. And the rhetoric around people being “held back” a grade is that they aren’t performing up to par. So, now here I am in college and looking at people do all these cool things and

because mine look different, it sometimes feels like I'm behind. M: Also, so many factors play into how people progress whether it be the connections or circumstance that can determine when career or work moves happen for people. N: That’s been the biggest part of turning twenty for me is growing to be honest with myself and understanding what you’re feeling right now is envy but also understanding this is why you feel that way. It’s valid that you feel that way, what’s not valid is to take that feeling of envy and put action toward being a hating ass bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna be y’all’s cheerleader. If you’re doing big things, especially if you Black, I promise I’m cheering for you. I’m also wanting to eat with you. I can either take that feeling of being a hating ass bitch or continue to cheer on the people you wanna eat with and we can all help each other grow. Everybody eats.

A candid letter to a former self. Nothing was lost, and if you think anything was, this is for you.

NICK

I don’t miss the track. I don’t miss the baseball caps and the bi-weekly haircut that I have always dreaded for more reasons than I have the words to name. I don’t miss the secret folders and gender-bent contact ID’s. I would, however, be a fool to not miss you. It would be foolish of me to deny my nostalgia for my life as a book begging to be read and denying most everyone the privilege. It would be absurd of me to forget the intoxicating weight of a secret; a private collection of autographs on my skin from those who find home and comfort in the sunlight, and even more from those who shy from the sun. It would be insolent of me to abandon the memories of the flecks of moon cast across her face that I saw myself in for the first time and the strings of her hair that dragged me home when my legs weren’t mine. Her stripes sifting through my room, a reliable confidant who lifted the weight of the names and carried on the wind into the night. It seems, though, that much of the world would prefer your presence over mine; to them, we’re an uneven trade. In their wishing for the you that they knew, they rob our memory of the me that made you, you. They fear the fire under the kettle that made the water steam for them and forget that one is inoperable without the other. I am not me without you, and you were never you without me. I know that if we ever crossed paths, you would turn and run, longing to add mine to your autograph collection. You fear what you’ve become, you will forever long for the comfort of the shadows, and I’ve seen the life we would’ve lived if I let you. I thank the moon every night that I love you in spite of our fear and brought you with me. To all those who would prefer the Isaiah that they thought they knew, to all those who live under the fallacy that they’ve been robbed of a favorite book: You weren’t. You never got to read past the prologue. I don’t care if you don’t understand who I am now, why I am who I am, or how I got here; none of that has ever been any of your concern. I refuse to indulge your curiosity. I refuse to retreat into a former self to reconcile your memory with a reality you don’t want to face.

Nick

Always,

Little

Butterfly,

Where

Next?

Garet Weissenborn

we come in between exhales so natural, I expect you, us a night without you distortion, a sweet trickery my love, high above you came to me sweet and sour a fantasy my mind makes of you curves change a vision of you i remember but in time will forget and see someone new stamped on my body the mirror tells a thousand tells which one today will i find to be true squeeze you in hopes you return affirmation of your love but heavy, stuck, only a little fixing can do to free me of the whispers my mind tells my eyes about you

MY LOVE, i am sorry iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m tired tired of being entangled in your promised fantasy i can't stay stay to degrade you every day a little summer rain you forget for a moment what itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like to be swallowed by my embrace

my love, notice now my heart on ice i dare not believe my eyes if i do a guilty fantasy bursting seams constriction plump but bitter dough in my hands i squeeze to pull apart rip tear for a moment of relief clarity of a cooked perfection my guilty fantasy

MY LOVE,

a night out you want to dance under the moon in the grooves of a stranger i tell you no you aren’t desired cause i don’t desire you

pink on the Sandias under the falling summer light you stood so sure anchored afternoon light glows down on the birds song the blue sky is as bright as the sun a yellow butterfly slices past me and soars over the Sandia rocks i sit with no wings no songs to sing i’d swallow a thousand seas before i could let myself see the skin that i have starved and bruised i hallowed you out yearning for a rain a summer rain to cleanse you of my whispering tongues born out of hatred for what you see yearn to be

alone, among tumbleweeds and shifting oranges and pinks the city’s lights are all i hear i open my mind my heart and soul i breathe you in hoping you see a parasite hungry for flesh, you make it easy for the stale air that follows me you make it easy with me, you can’t make it through lines distort the ground below you is warping the sun lays its head to rest i become a war in your mind a pest find your way out

but tonight, i’m dancing with death the stars came out to kiss the trees you told me it was gonna be alright you told me i just needed to try but every breath felt like i was beating you dry with a world in front of me as beautiful as it is i think of life for you somewhere else what you might be the beauty you’d see without my twisted touch the butterfly soars past again over a city alive with the smell of chile where to next, little butterfly?

so sure, so blissfully unaware floating in the wind’s serenity the wind’s kiss as soft as a lambs ear what my love should be what my affection will never reach, maybe i'll stay a little longer maybe i won't but for now i breathe outside of your lungs out to the valley and into the rio grande let go of me for you can’t dance alongside my grip and so I ask, where to next, little butterfly?

i come to you yet tonight from afar you are wide eyed charred wood caught in the mirror your burnt flame danced swiftly, your heart melts into the frame floods, touches the floor with wet hands overjoyed river permeates the earth filling cracks, arid land gulping from your palms don’t fret i’ll be back with the next evening’s kiss of city lights

my love, i am alone my mirrored image awaits your hands ruling with burning veins and the heat of a dying sun before my eyes you take the light of a thousand stars

MY LOVE, tonight for a moment i swear the moon smiled in your light while your body born from the desert sung you lay nervous knowing the desert sand never cools with a single storm with tears in your eyes you meet the relief of the stormâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s embrace a storm made from the handles of your hips the bumps of your chest the curved shoulders hiding your shame you opened the gate sand for a moment i swear i saw your body flood that night under the moonlight.

SHIFT PHOTOGRAPHY

A. Andrew - Lead Shoot Photographer Ctrl, SZA Photoshoot - Sage Adams Oladimeji Odunsi Julius Drost Jakob Owens Luca Bravo Andrea Ellerby

AFFILIATES The Jacksons C. Davis D. Roberts M. Roberts S. Joseph C.and B. Berry Chase Weissenborn

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