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RELATIONSHIPS SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2012
I AM ALL EARS
I
ama 28-year-old woman. All my friends are getting married and my parents are forcing me to toe the line. I however am still not prepared to take such a big step. I am not financially sound and not comfortable with my love life either. How do I tell my parents to take it easy? Please help.
Dear worried kid, This herd mentality has led many a family to break up. It’s usually when parents notice other children getting married that they panic. They are basically worried you will die an old maid and that once you reach closer to the dreaded 30, alliances will be difficult to come by. But you can explain that unless you have a proper bank balance and your priorities in place, marriage will be a mistake.
T
he number of couples in which the woman has a higher level of university studies than her male partner is growing steadily and in many countries this trend surpasses the opposite situation, which historically has been the predominant. This is the conclusion reached by the Centre for Demographic Studies of the Universitat Autònoma de Barcelona (CED-UAB).
The friend ‘virus’
A broken-hearted friend could very well break up your happy home. Forget about dengue, this season keep your eyes peeled for the break-up bug. DHWANI DESAI
Dhwani.d@postnoon.com
A
friend in grief is a friend indeed. But how far are we ready to go to help our besties in their moments of need? A study has revealed that the likelihood of splitting up with your partner increases by 75% if someone in your social circle has had a divorce. So, it’s something like getting a flu, where the chances of spreading the ‘virus’ are high-
er among those that are closest to you. Bizarre, you say? Read on. “I think breakups can be contagious. I have seen it happen with two of my friends. One ended her relationship just days after her friend broke up with her man,” says Smita Jayaram, a media professional. As friends, you share your problems with each other and tend to put yourself in the other persons place. This is when you start questioning your own decision and analyse your rela-
tionship, and if your bond with your partner is not strong, your relationship takes a hit. “This is because basically the problems that couples have are quiet similar,” explains Smita. Dr Kalyan Chakravarthy, consulting psychiatrist at Medicity Hospital, says he has seen a spike in such cases and attributes it to the expectations that people have when they get into a relationship and the disappointment that follows when they are not met. “When you hear of a friend going through a tough a breakup you automatically find parallels in your own life because of your vulnerability and lack of self confidence at the time,” says Dr Chakravarthy. It is natural to empathise with our friends in their time of need, but it becomes problematic when you begin sympathising. This is when you start generalising and look for quick solutions, which is often the one that your friend has chosen. Looking at how much fun a newly-single friend is having sometimes stirs the desire for a life with no commitments and no
one to answer to. The nostalgia of the good ol’ days can make your partner’s shortcomings much more annoying; tempting you to find a way out. “Ours was a happy group of couples; then came a disaster in the form of a breakup. It was not the same group anymore since it was my good friend who had broken up. Spending time with him I realised that his life looked better than mine. Needless to say, I was also single soon,” says S. Nikhil, a student. But Dr Chakravarthy warns that the thrill of being single is usually short-lived. People instinctively want others to be in the same position they are in. They tend to sub-
consciously influence their friends to prove to themselves that they have taken the right decision by calling it quits. It may sound harsh, but seeing a peers’ relationship end is simply a means of satisfying your own ego. But does it also work the other way around? Are makeups also contagious? Model Charisma Bharadwaj seems to think so. “Seeing your friend makeup with their ex makes you feel insecure. In women, I think it’s more
about the fear of being alone, or left behind,” she says. Men and women alike would echo Charisma’s sentiment. Being the only single one in a group of couples is likely to leave you craving for the security and comfort that a significant other brings. So if someone else’s relationship is making you question your own, then maybe it’s just time for you to take a long hard look at yourself.