B2 Monday, 09.28.2015 The Daily Herald
DAILY CROSSWORD
LIVING WITH CHILDREN
Good parenting doesn’t always produce good kids One of the problems I occasionally struggle with is that of giving unsatisfactory answers to people’s questions. By that, I mean answers I know are unsatisfactory in the sense that they do not promise solutions, but are nonetheless the best I can do. A recent example: The parents of a 15-year-old boy ask me what to do about his pornography addiction. When they discovered that he was using his electronic devices to access porn, they put safeguards on them. He managed to get around the safeguards. So they took the devices away. To make a long story short, they have done all the right things; nonetheless, he continues to figure out ways of getting into porn. He has admitted he has an addiction and told his parents that part of him wants to stop but the other part doesn’t. Other than this thorn, he’s a good kid — responsible, hard working, and so on — and has a good relationship with his folks. This story illustrates the fact that parenting does not produce the person. The person is “produced” by his own free will, the choices he makes. A child can be raised well, by good people and turn out badly. Contrarily, a child can be
SUPER QUIZ
Score 1 point for each correct answer on the Freshman Level, 2 points on the Graduate Level and 3 points on the Ph.D. Level. Subject: MARINE MATTERS (e.g., What boat was captained by Humphrey Bogart as Charlie Allnut? Answer: African Queen.) FRESHMAN LEVEL 1. Name Christopher Columbus’ three ships. 2. What poem begins, “It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three”? 3. What idiom is a euphemism for the bottom of the sea? GRADUATE LEVEL 4. Superstition holds that it is very unlucky for sailors to kill this bird. 5. What submarine traversed the Sea of Green, the Sea of Holes and the Sea of Time? 6. Who wrote the novella about the sailor Billy Budd?
CLASSIC PEANUTS
JOHN ROSEMOND LIVING WITH CHILDREN raised badly and turn out well. Call this the Paradoxical Parenting Principle. Parenting and the child/person are not a cause/ effect relationship. Parenting is an influence and one’s job, certainly, is to maximize the positive aspects of the influence, but even the most positive parenting does not guarantee a positive outcome. I frequently refer to Mick Jagger’s Theorem: You can’t always get what you want. But Mick’s Theorem also applies to parents: You can’t always get the child you want. Most parents, in fact, don’t get exactly the child they want. They get a close approximation at best. Furthermore, parents who try to make the child they got into the child they want usually end up very, very frustrated, angry even. So here’s what I have to say to the parents of this 15-year-old:
PH.D. LEVEL 7. What type of warship is smaller than a destroyer and used primarily for escort duty? 8. What racing trophy is affectionately known as the “Auld Mug”? 9. In which 2013 film does Tom Hanks portray a ship’s captain? ANSWERS: 1. Santa Maria, Pinta, Nina. 2. “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.” 3. Davy Jones’ locker. 4. Albatross. 5. “Yellow Submarine.” 6. Herman Melville. 7. Frigate. 8. America’s Cup. 9. “Captain Phillips.” SCORING: 18 points — congratulations, doctor; 15-17 points — honors graduate; 1014 points — you’re plenty smart, but no grind; 4-9 points — you really should hit the books harder; 1-3 points — enroll in remedial courses immediately; 0 points — who reads the questions to you? North America Syndicate Inc.
First, fault here lies not with you but with your son. You did not make some egregious parenting mistake that has caused this problem. Pornography is not his way of filling some emotional void you created in his life. He’s not doing this because Dad has done a bad job of teaching respect for women. And so on. Keep straight whose responsibility this is. Second, your ability to steer your son in the right direction concerning this issue is very limited. It’s limited by his free will, which is a powerful force, and it’s even more powerful when a person’s free will is taken over by an addiction. Can you accept that you are not the agent of change in your child’s life concerning this issue; that the appointed agent of change may not come into his life until he’s an adult, if ever? Everyone has heard stories like that. You might try professional counseling, but unless he wants to conquer his addiction, that is not likely to yield fruit. Third, you are obligated only to do your best. You are not obligated to solve this problem. Your son is. And if he doesn’t, you are not the less for it.
BIRTHDAYS Actress Brigitte Bardot is 81. Actor Joel Higgins is 72. Singer Helen Shapiro is 69. Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 65. Rock musician George Lynch is 61. Zydeco singer-musician C.J. Chenier is 58. Actress-comedian Janeane Garofalo is 51. TV personality Moon Zappa is 48. Actress-model Carre Otis is 47. Actress Naomi Watts is 47. Rapper Young Jeezy is 38. World Golf Hall of Famer Se Ri Pak is 38. Actor Peter Cambor is 37. Writer-producerdirector-actor Bam Margera is 36. Actress Melissa Claire Egan is 34. Actress Jerrika Hinton is 34. Pop-rock singer St. Vincent is 33. Rock musician Daniel Platzman (Imagine Dragons) is 29. Actress Hilary Duff is 28. Actor Keir Gilchrist is 23. Thought for Today: “A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a truth.” — Thomas Mann, German writer (1875-1955). Associated Press
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