Wednesday, January 29, 2014 • The Islands’ Sounder
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A story of boys, bullying and Food bank president resigns blocked emotions by MEREDITH M. GRIFFITH Sounder Contributor
(Editor’s note: This is the second story in a two-part series about bullying and how it affects island children.) Boys are biologically disposed to be aggressive and violent, naturally insensitive, and risk-takers. Myth or fact? Marriage and Family Counselor Beth Jenson debunked this and other myths last Wednesday night at the Orcas Island School in a well-attended talk entitled “Beyond Bravado: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys.” “Boys and girls both show aggression,” said Jenson. “It’s just packaged differently.” Jenson invited input from the men in the crowd as she shared her own theories on boy aggression, peppered with facts like these: Boy babies tend to be more sensitive than girl babies; testosterone spurs increased activity, not aggression; and kids under age two appear to show equal amounts of assertive behavior. In Jenson’s view, our cultural expectations play a big role in shaping our boys and how they handle stress, frustration and conflict with others. That includes beliefs that boys should display dominance, machismo, and selfreliance and that boys are psychologically unaware, unsocialized and dangerous; that boys need to be “civilized” by females to “save” them from violence, sexual aggression, delinquency and cruelty. These myths create an environment that doesn’t allow boys to cry; to be scared; or even to be too glad. In a social environment,
Jenson said, boys who are athletic, tough, aggressive, dominant, sexually assertive and taller tend to attain positions of power and to show contempt for those weaker than they. Boys who display fear, sadness or too
“Boys and girls both show aggression ... It’s just packaged differently.” — Counselor Beth Jenson breaking down one of the major gender myths
much happiness, or who show respect for girls, can be immediately ostracized, mocked or subjected to violence. As a result, boys can become emotionally stymied, justifiably afraid to show emotions other than anger. They can become afraid of being overpowered, looking weak or foolish, or showing their emotions in public. They can become lonely and ashamed. All these pent-up, taboo feelings of fear and sadness can be blocked behind a wall of silence, or released in a flood of aggressive or disruptive behavior. “Boys are rarely ‘just angry,’” Jenson said – usually anger displayed is a substitute for very raw fear, disappointment, hurt or despair. She said sometimes the release is so powerful that boys become afraid of their own anger. She talked about “loosening the emotional straitjacket” using a handful of tools: starting with the
LEVY FROM 1 older population. Twenty-six percent of the time, the department is responding to two calls at once. “Every call impacts our resources,” O’Brien said. In addition, as mandated by law, the cost to outfit a firefighter in bunker gear is four times what it was in 1998. There are currently 64 volunteers; four career paramedics (one on duty 24 hours a day); one fire chief/EMT; one assistant chief and paramedic; one safety officer/ EMT responder; one mechanic responder;
assumption that all four main emotions (mad, sad, glad and scared) are present; validating emotions through reflective listening; talking about your own big emotions; and giving a boy words to describe his experiences. She said it’s really important to separate deeds from identity, saying that a mistake, or “I did something wrong,” is far easier to recover from than from shame, or the certainty that “I AM something wrong.” Other helpful measures Jenson recommended were: building friendships with girls; discussing okay and not okay ways to release angry energy; caring for animals; creative expression; being part of a group; and helping boys feel needed. Jenson also included a strong plea for adults to protect boys from internet pornography, saying the number of clients she sees with full-blown sexual addiction is “astounding.” “It’s a huge problem, and our kids are the guineapigs,” she said. “It’s made to be addictive. It’s extremely chemical, and it’s one of the hardest addictions to break [because of] what it does to your brain.” She added that Internet porn is a whole different ball game from old-school magazine photos, as websites pull viewers in to experience harder and harder porn, skewing boys’ ideas of normal sexual relationships. And at the end of the day, there are three things every child needs to hear, said Jenson. “You are important to me. You are good. You are loved. No matter what.”
one administrative assistant; one volunteer coordinator; and a financial officer at 75 percent full-time. OIFR is responsible for seven fire stations and 22 pieces of rolling stock. The current budget is $1,947,257. Of that, $1,687,441 is operational and $259,816 goes to the capital fund. O’Brien ran the numbers for a staff-only fire department and the added cost is $5.7 million more to the current budget per year. “The gift the volunteers give to the community is incredible,” O’Brien said. For more information about Orcas Island Fire and Rescue, visit http://www.orcasfire. org/.
After enduring a series of health-related incidents, Larry Shaw told the Orcas Island Food Bank Board recently that he would need to step down as president. Shaw has led the board for many years, during which time and under his leadership the Food Bank has moved to a permanent and more accessible location, built a new facility, and become an organization envied by many individuals involved with food banks across the state as one of the best. His wife, Joyce, will remain on the Board. “Needless to say, we are extremely sad to see him step down,” said Dick Staub, Senior Pastor of the Community Church on which property the food bank is located. “There are no words to adequately thank him for the job he has done orchestrating and overseeing all these changes and improvements. He has been a dedicated and passionate leader.” No small task, but now the board is looking for
Contributed photo
Larry Shaw is resigning as president of the food bank. someone willing to take on the position as president. The board currently has seven volunteer members, who, with the leadership of the president, make all the decisions related to the food bank’s operation.
Anyone interested in considering the position or wanting to know more, shoudl email board secretary Sigrid Mather at sigridmather@gmail.com before Feb. 7.
Lopez Island Vineyards wins big “Best of the Best” Great Northwest Wine Judging results are in. This judging of northwest Gold Medal winning wines is an annual event, where wines of Washington, Oregon, Idaho and British Columbia are reviewed by an experienced panel of judges. Lopez Island Vineyards’ 2012 Siegerrebe was awarded a double platinum medal. This island grown varietal has been a consistent award winning wine over the years. The wine judges describe this wine as follows: “One of the rarest grapes in the Northwest is Siegerrebe, a white German variety. A bit is planted in the Puget Sound region, where it is able to ripen most years. Owner and winemaker Brent Charnley
consistently crafts one of the most delicious examples we’ve seen. This opens with beautiful aromas of spice, apple and white flowers, followed by long, lush fla-
The
Please join me in celebrating all that's
FRESH at NEST February 7th 4-7pm enjoy light hors d'ouvres, bubbly beverages, door prizes and 20% off storewide. (360) 376-4580 • 18 Haven Road, Eastsound, Wa 10 am to 5:30 pm daily • www.nestflowers.com
RAY’S PHARMACY Templin Center, Eastsound 9:30 am – 6 pm Mon – Sat 10:30 am – 4 pm Sunday (Saturday Pharmacy 10:00 am – 4 pm No Sunday Pharmacy Service)
376-2230
vors of ripe stone fruit, honeysuckle and Asian pear. Rated double platinum by Wine Press Northwest magazine.
Call the Sounder to book your hours today! 376-4500
ISLAND MARKET Eastsound Open Mon-Sat 8 am-9pm Sun 10 am-8pm
376-6000