Second Opinion
Friday, December 13, 2013 • Bainbridge Island Review
Page A7
Parents and teens need to let go amid the teenage pressure cooker Winter is upon us and as the first half of the school year is buzzing by many young adults are already knee deep in college applications and making future plans, and inevitably, many Bainbridge Island families are facing the task of letting go. Truthfully, this theme rings just as true for teens who are still at home, as the process of letting go for parents and teens is a long and complex one that starts long before high school graduation. In case you haven’t noticed, independence is a major theme for families with adolescents, and obviously for teens themselves. Negotiating what teens can realistically handle and what parents are comfortable with is no small task and at times can get rocky. How much responsibility and autonomy is too much? How much is too little? The boundaries are different for each family, but a little
Guest Column
BY TARA MURPHY bit of empathy on both sides can help loosen up that gridlock and promote some positive connection while you’re finding middle ground (even if that is agreeing to disagree). Parents: In the gradual process of differentiation, it is important to remember that teens are people, not just your child! They are usu-
More Letters In response
City should support affordable housing To the editor: This last week the city council voted to eliminate a significant portion of affordable housing units on Bainbridge Island. A decision that will ultimately evict many members from our community. Changing the percentage of live-aboards allowed in private marinas is a shameless assault on our community and an attack of our affordable housing stock. Having worked a significant part of my career in Community Development, Affordable Housing, Elderly Housing, and Housing for the disadvantaged, I understand the need and the benefits of being inclusive of everyone in the community. The richness of diversity is what community is about. I also understand the challenge and economic reality
of sustaining programs that provide affordable housing. Unlike the projects that I have designed (which received funding through the Federal Government, Catholic Services, The City of Denver, Greeley, and the City of Boulder) our affordable housing in the marinas does not use any public funds, nor are they depleting necessary resources from the Housing Resource Board, One Call for All or other charitable institutions. With the legislation taken by the City Council, this self-sustaining affordable housing in our community is being reduced by 60%. Ultimately it will mean evicting many active members from our community. Many are people that have been born here, raised their families here, and watched their children graduate from our schools. Many are new, enriching the Island with their experiences on the sea. These are people that have been active in the community and an asset to the culture of
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ally chomping at the bit to establish independence and to remind you that they are not you, they are them! Just like letting go is hard, so is building an identity. I’ve certainly never heard anyone say, “I wish I was a teenager again!” Kids and teens can get smooshed in our often adultist society. Adults are the ones with the most power in the relationship, therefore we have to be the ones to take the first step in bringing compassion, playfulness and understanding to our communication with youth. It can be hard for us adults to remember what it was like to have limited say in our lives, but remember that first day you could drive without your parents in the car? It was pure freedom and you likely felt like you were just a little more, well, you! Keep that in mind when you’re
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the Island. Shame on you for passing this legislation! Shame on you for attacking this community! Shame on you for assaulting our affordable housing! Shame on you for undermining our culture! Shame on you! I encourage that this narrow sighted action by our city council be repealed, immediately! ANDY ROVELSTAD Rovelstad Architects
Words in praise of Debbi Lester To the editor: As my friend Sharon says, politics ain’t beanbag, and it certainly ain’t beanbag on little Bainbridge Island. What I’ve watched, for the past few years is an awful and depressing fight between community activists/council members who dislike city government and community activists/council members who despise those who take this position. This kind of fight doesn’t
negotiating the expectations, it might not change your bottom line, but will help you show more empathy to your teen and a little bit of understanding goes a long way in making them feel seen and heard. Teens: Being a teen is hard and often times it’s emotional. There’s little that is more frustrating than feeling misunderstood and powerless and most adolescents feel either or both at some point, but when you freak out it takes away credibility from your probably pretty logical and valid reasons for feeling the way you do. If you’re being abrasive and angry, you give away a lot of your power in the exchange as well as the opportunity to be seen as a young adult who is competent! Yes, I’m talking about you! Use your words and let your voice show up in a way that honors your intelligence and respect for
have to be bad. Indeed, good things often come from the clash between pro- and antigovernment positions. But the Bainbridge version of this fight is really awful, since it’s rarely about ideas or principles. We tend to fight about people. More precisely, we fight (or just proclaim) about who is good or bad, who is polite or rude, or whose social connections make them the right “type” to serve in city government. News flash to my fellow Islanders. There are no tea party monsters hiding behind the bushes. Nor are there brave knights coming to city hall on horseback, in January, to valiantly oppose them. Local politics is complicated, messy and boring. The issues do not lend themselves to ideological fights or partisan positions. Good council members show up to meetings, week after week, despite their other engagements. They forge alliances with people, even people they don’t like, and they respond to their constituents. They ask tough questions, even when those questions are
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yourself. Even if you’re parents are losing it, you’ll be setting a fabulous example for how you would like to be spoken to. Also, keep in mind that your parents love you and they are (hopefully) doing the best they can. Have a little patience because letting go is tough and moving into young adulthood can be a tricky shift for everyone. Working through all of this can sometimes be overwhelming. If you or your teen are struggling and need some help, BYS is one resource. Tara Murphy is a counselor with Bainbridge Youth Services, which provides community youth (ages 12-19) with no-cost, confidential and high quality professional counseling. Bainbridge Youth Services can be reached at 206-842-9675.
resented, because it’s other people’s money that they are spending. We don’t talk much about these things when we talk about Bainbridge politics. It’s a shame. These are the things that are important. Which brings me to Debbi Lester, whose last day on city council is Dec. 25. I’ve been thinking about Debbi’s four years of service, and how to properly praise her. There have been major achievements, to be sure, and big things we should be grateful for. Revitalizing the nonmotorized transportation committee and getting more trails and bike lanes built. Being a key player in the ferry settlement, and making sure the settlement money is spent on waterfront improvements. Helping, through her work on two transportation committees, to get millions of dollars in transportation funding for Bainbridge Island. Working with her colleagues to obtain utility rate reductions. Demanding high standards of ethical and professional conduct in the office of city manager.
But I think we should remember Debbi for the everyday things, the mundane stuff that made her an exceptional council member. Debbi worked hard. She always showed up, and she always showed up prepared. She educated herself about issues. She asked city staff lots of questions. She encouraged people to be politically involved, and helped orient those new to government. She used her position to praise people, defend them and thank them for their contributions. She was the brunt of some whopper political attacks and personal betrayals but she refused to be deterred. (In fact, they made her stronger and more committed.) She walked around downtown, every day, to make sure things looked good. She planted flowers when no one was looking. And she brought more funk to Bainbridge. Thanks Debbi. You did great. And you are so appreciated. KIM HENDRICKSON Fort Ward
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