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"ARTS" & "CULTURE"
scharpmind.com | April Fools 2016
Lil Dicky says 'Fuck You' to Bing
Rapper not coming for Spring Fling concert Mark Richardson Pitchfork Media
In a recent blog post on his website, artist Lil Dicky announced that he was incredibly excited to tell all of Binghamton University to go fuck itself. The rapper/comedian, whose real name is David Burd and who is best known for his song “$ave Dat Money,” plans to totally screw Binghamton University over as a part of his “(Still) Looking For Love” tour. He wrote that he thinks that Binghamton “sucks dick” and is super excited to see how students will react to his complete disregard for their welfare. The Philadelphia-born rapper will instead be performing in cities such as Easton, Pennyslvania; Phoenix, Arizona; and — get this — Athens, Ohio. “There is truly nowhere on God’s green earth where I would want to perform less than at Binghamton University,” Dicky wrote. “I’d rather do a private concert for Bashar alAssad than go to that god-awful state school.” According to Bernie Mach, vice president of programming for the Student Association, Dicky was the most popular option on the Spring
Fling survey, with 30 percent of students choosing “Like it!,” 49 percent choosing “Love it,” and 21 percent choosing the option that was a series of inscrutable emojis. “We’re really excited that he’s even giving us any attention, you know,” said Mach, a senior majoring in Bar Mitzvah planning. “Lil Dicky did really well in the polls, so we did everything we could to make him a prominent part of how we disappoint students this year.” Students are hoping that Lil Dicky will deliver on his promise. One fan, Malcolm Mitchell, says that Dicky is halfway there. “I was so excited when I first thought he was coming,” said Mitchell, a sophomore majoring in chest and bi’s. “Now he just needs to get my hopes up one more time and then send them crashing down.” Other students were less than pleased with Dicky’s let down, as let downs in the past have been much more severe. “At least Sage the Gemini committed to being a complete Rapper/Comedian Lil Dicky, who plans on dragging his sweaty balls all over this issue. fucking asshole,” said Tim Kalpakis, a junior majoring in integrative like a half of a song.” come to BU just to be complete neuroscience. “Sage pretty much “It was awesome,” Kalpakis dicks, which include Sage and How took a dump on stage while dancing added. to Dress Well. to music that wasn’t even his. Or Dicky would have joined a “When I went to Binghamton when he did do his music, he’d do storied tradition of acts that have I drunkenly rambled and insulted
Big Dicky/Brother
my opener, who is probably a super nice guy,” Dress Well said. “I’ve never felt so powerful. Which is important, because I’m such a little person.”
Students were put to ease when they were reminded that nothing, literally nothing, could have been worse than Yellowcard trying their best.
Lost Dog's lost dog is found, eatery closes
Restaurant shuts doors after its owners happily reunite with 24-year-old pooch
Dog Catcher/Pipe Bomb Photographer
Caesar Milan/Rachael Ray survived on eating abandoned Dog Whisperer/Chef Pasquale’s pizza and the remains of regrettable Binghamton Hots In a devastating blow to purchases. sorority girls across campus, “We’re so happy to have our Downtown institution Lost little darling pup back home Dog Cafe has shut its doors for with us,” said Sharlene, the good after finally finding the owner of the downtown eatery. restaurant’s namesake, Clarese. “And we’d like to thank all those The Water Street eatery who have worked so hard to find opened in 1994 as the her, though it somehow took headquarters of the national over 20 years and she was two search for the two-and-a-half blocks away.” pound Chihuahua. The owners The news of her return was described Clarese as a “part of the not met with the same level family” and, to their count, have of excitement on campus. funneled over $2 million into the Julie Yarmouth, a sophomore effort. But much of it has gone majoring in theatre, said she toward feeding the people who burst into tears upon hearing have pledged their support to the the news. search for the missing pooch. “Where else am I supposed “Uh, yeah, we’re about to go to bring my parents when they look for a dog,” said patron Katie come to visit?” she blubbered. “I Kaminsky in between mouthfuls can’t bring them to The Colonial, of penne alla vodka. “But not I hooked up with the bartender until this entire bowl of pasta is there last weekend and they inside of me.” think I’m a virgin. They also Clarese, who is, improbably, still think I’m a physics major. 24 years old, was found wandering I should probably be more open the banks of the Chenango River. with them.” Police speculate that she has Paul Klemper, a senior
majoring in accounting, said he needed to find a new location to wine-and-dine romantic interests. “You take a girl to Lost Dog and her panties just drop,” he said. “Maybe it’s the Andy Warhol thing they have going on on the walls, maybe it’s the two-hour wait time even on Wednesday afternoons. Either way, it works.” However, fellow Binghamton restaurant owner Andrea Holloway said maybe the shuttering will inspire students to go to any other goddamn restaurant, like her own, Chatterbox. “I don’t get it,” she said. “Lost Dog’s food isn’t even that spectacular and it’s the only restaurant people go to. It’s number one on Yelp in the area. Don’t people get tired of that penne?” At press time, the Interfraternity Council announced a candlelight vigil in front of the Pegasus Statue to mourn the closing.
Late Nite to offer 'take a punch' workshops
After recent attacks Downtown, it's just better to learn how to get socked in the face Black-Eyed Peas Officer Ours
Late Nite Binghamton will be spicing up its weekend fun starting next month, with a new “How to Take a Punch” class being offered for free to all attending students in light of recent instances of assault in Downtown Binghamton. The class will take place every Friday and Saturday night in between rounds of Jenga. Inspiration for these sessions came after two students, who had just finished a wild night of watching “Despicable Me 2,” were scared of getting their asses kicked Downtown. “Students need this class,” said Keith Richmond, a senior majoring in Snapple Facts and the guy who is in charge of setting up Dance Dance Revolution at Late Nite. “We were afraid that they wouldn’t want to step away from their shrinky-dink making, but after the incidents of the past few weeks, it’s pretty necessary.” Students will learn how to get punched in the face with grace, how to play possum after the fact and will even get to make their own DIY first-aid kit.
“Yeah, we kind of gave up on teaching them to fight back,” said UPD member Officer Yours, who will be teaching the class. “We’d have had to condition them since high school for that shit.” The officers who led the workshop reminded students that there is no defense against a cracked-out maniac, who would probably be their assailant. “The best defense is no offense or defense at all,” Officer Yours instructed. “Just take the hit and hand them your decoy phone.” Students seem less than excited for the workshop, although it is essential if they want to venture to Downtown Binghamton. “I don’t want to take this class, but my mom is making me,” said Johnny Blair, a freshman majoring in getting wedgies. “My mom is so cool. We’re like best friends. I call her every day. Do you want to see a picture?” Other students had an optimistic view of the workshop. “I’m kind of excited, to be honest,” said Daniel Johnson, a senior who wasted his college experience. “Finally I’ll be able to go ahead and get the shit kicked out of me on my own terms.”
Loren Weiss/Bully, Photographer