February 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 137
George Labash and his Car Wash clean up in the Royal City! There’s no job too big… he even washes buses. See City Scene, page 16 for details.
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
GORDON DOUGLAS Accounting & Management Services 470–604 Columbia St New Westminster
604-681-1197 Email: gord@gdcga.com Website: www.gdcga.com
2
February 2012
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
X C T M B N J I M W R M C Z V
Y H L U O Z H U A L E T U U D
P H U X D I S O L Z T X C V T
L D K L Z Y R Y V D G H A W M
F C W P N T L E U Y O L R X A
A O B H U R T V Y C E T D X W
O Y R U X A N O O N U U S R T
H M L G P E C L T N E N T L G
G K G S E H A I R A I O A P S
G W K Q E T N Q M F J A J W Y
C B O B E E M O Y J N P P E J
X K I S S E S E A O E O Z G Z
W Z T H U W W Q N H A K V S T
L L Z U J S R E W O L F Q E H
V K D E X Y N N B Q T A S I E
WORD SEARCH CARDS CHOCOLATES FLOWERS FORGETMENOT HUGS ILOVEYOU KISSES LOVE SWEETHEART VALENTINE
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
3
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February 2012
LETTERS TO LANDLORDS These are actual excerpts from letters sent
of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery.” He then moves on to the second
to landlords…
smiling corpse. “This is Bo,” the coroner
1. “The toilet is blocked and we cannot
says with a grin. “He died while doing ‘it’
bathe the children until it is cleared.”
with Trudy-May.” Finally he moves on to the
2. “I want some repairs done to my stove as
last smiling corpse. “This is Roscoe,” says
it has backfired and burnt my knob off.” 3. “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.” 4. “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
the coroner. “He died after being struck by lightning.” “Well,” asks the detective, “Why in hell was the fool smiling?” “Oh,” says the coroner. “He thought he was having his picture taken.”
5. “I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.” 6. “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
THE FARMER & THE SCIENTIST A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play
THE BLIND DATE
a game with the guy.
“How was your blind date,” a college student asked her roommate.
“I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then
“Terrible” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first.” The farmer thinks for a while.
“He was the original owner.”
“I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten
SMILE
seconds to get back down?” The scientist
Three smiling corpses are lying in a
is confused and thinks long and hard about
morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes
the question. Finally, the train ride is coming
into the coroner’s to find the causes of
to an end. As it pulls into the station, the
death. The coroner points to the first dead
scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it
man. “This is Cletus,” he says. “He died
to the farmer.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012 “I don’t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?”
5
Happy Healthy Heart M❤nth!
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist. “I don’t know.”
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CLASSICAL COMPOSERS ACTION MOVIE Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.” “And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly. “And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.
of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
THE CAPTAIN’S COFFEE A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen,
I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
think it means?”
to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
and therefore we should have a smooth and
That evening, the man came home with
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…
a small package and gave it to his wife.
OH MY GOD!”
Delighted, she opened it… only to find a book
Silence.
entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while
THE 3 LEGGED DOG A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in
I was talking, the flight-attendant brought
the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
announces “I’m looking for the man who shot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front
my paw.”
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February 2012 JUST WHISPER Little Johnny’s mother took him to church one Sunday. While in church Johnny said, “Mom, I have to pee.” “Johnny”, the mother began, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, Johnny went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, “Dad, I have to whisper.” His father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”
HORSE SENSE An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.” Still, Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.” Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.” Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
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Gabor Gasztonyi, Sales Rep Email: gabor@piffle.ca
604-290-7450
Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012 The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
7 warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make
The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and
you think you are whispering when you are not.
if he thought he was the only one pulling he
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major
wouldn’t even try.”
factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause
AN OCTOPUS GOES INTO A BAR…
you to tell the same boring story over and
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus
over again until your friends want to smash
and says, “I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can’t play.”
your face in. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The
for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave
octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the
you wondering what the happened to your
strings and starts playing. The octopus’s
trousers. Warning: Consumption of alcohol
owner pockets the fifty bucks.
may make you think you can logically converse
Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a fantastic
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make
jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty
you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu
bucks to the octopus’s owner.
powers.
The bar owner has been watching all this
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the
and disappears out back, coming back a few
leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
moments later with a set of bagpipes under his
forehead. Warning: Consumption of alcohol
arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the
may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing
guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus
in your home.
can play that I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner interrupts his pet’s concentration, saying, “What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!” The octopus say’s “Play it? Huh?!? I was still trying to figure out how to take of her
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS 99
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pyjamas…”
BEER WARNINGS Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government’s suggestion that the following
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February 2012
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing
Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.
Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm
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More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
9
CHRONIC PAIN MANAGEMENT WORKSHOP: RAISE THE ROOF
of tips and perspectives to better engage participants, boost energy, have fun and improve the overall meeting experience.
The “Raise The Roof” campaign will be at Royal City Centre with the sale of their unique toques (hats) to bring awareness and fund-raise for the plight of homeless people in our community. Please plan to support this timely promotion and drop by and purchase your head-warming toque to show you care.
To register for this free program, visit the Century House office at 620 Eighth Street or call 604-5191066. Refreshments will be provided.
Tuesday, February 7
MASSEY THEATRE UPCOMING PERFORMANCE
International Magic Professionals — Trevor & Lorena Watters Visit www.masseytheatre.com for more information and to purchase tickets!
WE’VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS!
February 9, 10:00 am - 11:30 am Century House
Meetings are the heart of committee, strata, or group work. Join Elizabeth and Wolf for an hour
VOLUNTEERING — FINDING YOUR FIT
February 23, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Century House
How to find your fit. Who needs you? Can you create your own niche? Join us for a fun and informative session all about the ins and outs of volunteering. To register for this free program, visit the Century House office at 620 Eighth Street or call 604-519-1066. Refreshments will be provided.
Learning, Educating and Developing Seniors (LEADS) provides
RAISE THE ROOF — Tuesday, February 7
The “Raise The Roof” campaign will be at Royal City Centre with the sale of their unique toques (hats) to bring awareness and fundraise for the plight of homeless people in our community. Please plan to support this timely promotion and drop by and purchase your head-warming toque to show you care.
leadership training opportunities for older adults.
NEW WEST ARTISTS SOCIETY
Check out one of the fastest growing arts societies, right in your backyard! NWA is an inclusive, non-profit society aiming to celebrate, encourage and stimulate visual artists through connection, education and promotion. Visit www.newwestartists.com for more information and meeting dates.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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February 2012
TOP TEN WAYS TO GIVE A TELEMARKETER A HARD TIME 10. When they ask “How are you today?”
SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them
Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no
you are just about to file for bankruptcy and
one these days seems to care, and I have all
you could sure use some money.
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” 9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel,
ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask him/her to marry you. When they get all
ask them where it is located. Continue asking
flustered, tell them that you could not just give
them personal questions or questions about
your credit card number to a complete stranger.
their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you?
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their
Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?”
HOME phone number so you can call them
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
back. When the telemarketer explains that
moments of pause as she tries to figure out
they cannot give out their HOME number, you
where she could know you from.
say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as
you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” And first and foremost… 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
ALMOST EVERY NIGHT Seventy-three year old Sol had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight. Within a month Sol and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon. “So how was it” asked Herschel, Sol’s partner, on the couple’s return. Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.
“Oh, just beautiful,” replied a starry-eyed Sol. “The sun, the surf… and we made love almost every night, we…”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012 “Just a minute,” interrupted Herschel. “At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?” “Oh yes,” said Sol, “we almost made love
11 THE PUN CONTEST There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
Saturday, we almost made love Sunday…”
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
THE CHESS ENTHUSIASTS
TWINS
A group of chess enthusiasts checked
A woman has twins, and gives them up for
into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
adoption. One of them goes to a family in
discussing their recent tournament victories.
Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to
After about an hour, the manager came out
a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
of the office and asked them to disperse.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts
tells her husband that she wishes she also
boasting in an open foyer.”
had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins… if you’ve seen Juan,
THE DOC’S DRINK
you’ve seen Amal.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
A FART ON THE LOOSE A very attractive young lady was sitting in
and would always have the drink waiting
a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her
at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
date as she was, she wanted to make sure
the end of the work day approached, the
everything was perfect. So, as she bends
bartender was dismayed to find that he was
down in her chair to get the mirror from her
out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,he
purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just
threw together a daiquiri made with hickory
as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight
nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing
in at his regular time, took one sip of the
everyone in the place heard her, turns to the
drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut
waiter and demands “Stop That!”
daiquiri!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a
lady, which way was it headed?”
hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
EVEN LIONS KNOW THAT A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
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February 2012 VALENTINE’S Q & A Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s all heart. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts. Q: What did the letter say to the stamp? A: You send me. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: I’m stuck on you. Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song? A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? A: You get buttered up. Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean? A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard. Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? A: Antelope. Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch? A: You turn me on. Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, but they had an apple. Q: What did the boy octopus sing to the girl octopus?
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
A: I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand! Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! Q: What did the caveman give his wife on
Call
604-525-5757
2 locations to serve you!
Valentine’s Day? A: Ughs and kisses!
209 East Columbia St, New Westminster 7884 Oak St, Vancouver pilwonsuk@yahoo.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
13
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I Love Ewe! Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours! Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers!
This New Year, stay up to date with City news...
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A Valentiny! Q: What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you! Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re nuts so bad yourself! Q: What did the paper clip say to the
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magnet? A: I find you very attractive. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: You’re fun to hang around with. Q: What did one light bulb say to the other? A: I love you a whole watt! Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? A: I love you a ton! Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? A: I’m sweet on you! Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Hog and kisses! Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion! Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you! Q: What did one pickle say to the other? A: You mean a great dill to me. Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
— Mayor Wayne Wright
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February 2012
CLASSIFIED CHUCKLES (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers!)
Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does
delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere
the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that
again.
every member of the family appreciates.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Automatically burns toast. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cuttingoff-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
THE LAST REQUEST Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man,
What powers the pedestrian signal at 6th and Queens?
solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?” The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012 “Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”
15
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
“Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.” Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?” The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?” “Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
“Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?” “Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”
TWO BOLL WEEVILS Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
CAN’T HAVE BOTH Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank… proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
MILKING A PUN Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: To get to the “udder” side.
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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February 2012
Sargent’s City Scene George’s Mobile Car Wash: 35 years in New Westminster 701 – Cumberland Street, New Westminster. Telephone: 604-525-4105, 604-205-0966 There really isn’t a job so big that George Labash can’t handle it — in fact he really wants those big dirty jobs, like the big bus in the front cover. By the time George had finished cleaning that bus it was like new, inside and out. Even though it was pouring rain that day and George was getting a little wet, that did not stop him at all and this reporter will testify to that fact. Having known George for many years both in the car wash business as well as the radiator business you can be assured of getting a good
HAND
CAR WASH
and Vacuum
$11
95
VANS & TRUCKS $16 and up INTERIOR SHAMPOOING & WAXING $34 95 and up 95
Bring this issue of the Piffle to George on your next visit and receive $10.00 OFF a complete auto detail valued at $100.00!
GEORGE’S MOBILE CAR WASH 604-205-0966
job done. Instead of heading over to one of the chains try getting your radiator coolant changed at George’s — save a bit of money and at the same time enjoy just dealing with George, he’s a great guy. George also hand washes and details all his vehicles to a high standard. Not machines and heavy pressure washes for this guy. He will do complete auto detailing, interior shampooing, leather cleaning and Carnauba waxing. Carnauba when is the last time you heard that word? Is it when you drove that Super B home many years ago and went down to Columbia and walked into Westminster Automotive where you could find the very first cans of Carnauba wax in Canada! And that’s the wax you would get because it really gave a glistening shine. Well George does the same thing now, just that you won’t have to strain your shoulders any longer you can let George do the work. And yes George will work on anything — cars , buses, trucks, motorhomes, motorbikes, boats and well, air planes. That last one was sure a surprise, but George is pretty versatile. He offers fleet service and he is open 7 days a week 8:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Now that’s pretty good hours these days.
2012 Curbside Collection Calendar If you have not yet received a 2012 Curbside Collection Calendar, you can pick one up at one of the following locations: City Hall, Library, Community Centres, Recycling Depot, and Tow Yard/Animal Shelter. Be sure to keep your calendar handy all year round as it contains important information with
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
17
respect to collection programs, including the new Single-Stream Recycling program. Please note this change for 2012: Cleaner greener carts will be picked up weekly with garbage and recycling alternating.
Fraternal Order of Eagles Meat Draw
Held Fridays 5–7 p.m. and Saturdays 4–6 p.m. at the Fireside Pub, 421 East Columbia Street, Sapperton, New Westminster. The meat is all from Thrifty Foods to stay local. The money raised goes to various charities like cancer research, diabetes, Special Olympic, heart and stroke, and other community projects.
Seniors Engagement Toolkit The City of New Westminster, with funding support from the Union of BC Municipalities, has developed a Seniors Engagement Toolkit. The purpose of this toolkit is to increase civic engagement by seniors and to build confidence in City staff with regard to engaging seniors. The toolkit contains proven practices and techniques for engaging seniors and its use will help to ensure that civic policies, programs and services are more responsive to the needs of
seniors. To ensure its application, City staff are receiving training in using the toolkit. To download a copy of the toolkit, go to www.newwestcity.ca/seniors_engagement. Hard copies are also available at Planning, City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue. For more information, contact John Stark, Seniors Social Planner at 604-515-3777.
Biggest Mover Challenge 2012 FREE 12 week program running February 5 to April 28, 2012. Register and receive your program passport at Centennial Community Centre, Queensborough Community Centre or Century House. Use the passport to track all physical activities — 1 point is awarded for every 30 minutes of activity. Complete a weekly challenge and earn 2 bonus points. Track your weight by weighing in on Monday from 4:30–6:00 p.m. at Centennial Community Centre. Receive a gift from the program sponsors at the end of the challenge by turning in your tally sheet. Prizes available to be won include: Thrifty Foods and New Balance Gift Cards and New Westminster Recreation Passes. For more information, phone 604-527-4567. Continued on next page
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
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✔ 20th & BONANZA GAMES $1000
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February 2012
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 10
Latin Dance Gala New monthly Latin Dance Gala with Hot Salsa Dance Zone. Dine and dance the night away! Buffet dinner, complementary dance lesson and dancing until midnight to Latin music featured with Alberto & Teresa of Hot Salsa Dance Zone. Thursday February 9, 2012 (Once a month) 7:00 p.m.–12:00 a.m. Tickets: $17.50 + tax at the door Latin Dance Gala presented by Starlight Casino, Redbar Lounge, 350 Gifford Street, New Westminster.
Emergency Preparedness For the next weeks leading up to Emergency Preparedness Week May 6, 2012, the City of New Westminster’s Emergency Management Office will be providing weekly tips on how you can make your own
emergency kit and emergency plan. Use our list to add small items to your emergency kits every week. This can make the job of creating a complete kit a little less daunting and intimidating; and remember — most items can be found in your home. The City of New Westminster’s Emergency Management Office is encouraging everyone to be prepared by knowing the risks, making a plan and getting a kit. For more information on preparedness tips, please visit the Emergency Management page on the City website.
Gordon Douglas, CGA Gordon has recently moved his offices to New Westminster from his previous location on Denman Street in Vancouver. He is now located at 470–604 Columbia Street, New Westminster. Gordon specializes in accounting and management services, personal, corporate and trust taxation as well as multi-year filings and tax appeals. In addition Gordon has is an expert in the areas of representation for audit and appeal, lawyer’s trust reporting as well as GST and HST reporting. A one stop shop and an expert in all these areas. See add on our front cover. He can be reached by phone 604-681-1197, email gord@gdcga.com and online at www.gdcga.com.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
19
You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Royal City Centre Welcomes Charitable Organizations Royal City Centre welcomes non-profit and charitable organizations to the mall for fund-raising purposes. To request space, please fax or mail a detailed letter outlining your organization, purpose of being at Royal City Centre, a first choice and second choice of dates you wish to come, and your requirements such as a table, chairs, or electrical power. Your letter must be on organization letterhead and please include your charity’s number if applicable. Fax your request letter to Royal City Centre, 604-526-3337 or mail it to Royal City Centre, Administration Unit 227, 610 Sixth Street, New Westminster, BC, V3L 3C2. All requests must be in writing in letter form. Emails are not accepted. City Scene End
I’M SENDING SOME CARDS A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
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February 2012
A THOUGHTFUL VALENTINES GIFT Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes,” came the answer from Tony who was a
DUMB PACKAGING LABELS In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and
consumer goods.
a bag.”
1.
“That was very kind of you,” Jim added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.” Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and
On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a
hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better
winner! No purchase necessary. Details
now.”
inside.” (Evidently, the shoplifter special) 3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use
Knock knock… Who’s there?
like regular soap.” (And that would be how…?)
Sherwood.
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Sherwood who? Sherwood like to be your valentine!
“Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)
Knock knock… Who’s there?
5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed
Pooch.
on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside
Pooch who?
down.” (Oops, too late!)
Pooch your arms around me, baby!
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (As night follows the day…) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)
Know your limit, play within it.
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery
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8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
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after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope) 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?) 11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
21
12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.” (NEWS FLASH) 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta) 14. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.) 15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not
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attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief) 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.” (Hey, Mom, we’re out of syrup! It’s OK honey just grab the Palmolive!) 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.” (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?) 18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.” (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)
UPLIFTING So I was getting into my car, and this fellow says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
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February 2012 PRIEST’S RETIREMENT A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
LIZA’S
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
HOROSCOPES February 2012
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com
ARIES: Others are attracted to your congenial way of being. Do not use this energy to manipulate others; as you sow — so shall you reap. Venus brings gifts with lessons. TAURUS: You have the need to care for others, just don’t fall into the martyr trap. Spiritual rewards are plentiful for you during this time — knowing you have done all that you can. GEMINI: Group activities are plentiful during this time and you find yourself more loving towards others. Friendships bring insight and much to learn. CANCER: Favourable circumstances within the work environment — a good time to ask for that raise. Someone older or in authority may be attracted to you. LEO: Check out varied circumstances like an art museum or nature — it will expand your awareness. Love relationships can flourish during this time.
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish
VIRGO: Co-workers are congenial and friendly during this time. Your daily life picks up steam and you are ready to check out that new health regime.
Priest arrived, said the politician.
LIBRA: This is the best time for any type of relationships. You shine and others are ready and willing to listen to what you have to say.
person to go to him for confession.”
SCORPIO: Home is where the heart is during this time. You want to renovate and make your home more comfortable. A good time to entertain. SAGITTARIUS: Your love life picks up considerably during this time. Others are attracted to your creativity and sense of adventure. There is no need to pretend who you are not.
In fact, I had the honor of being the first Moral: NEVER, NEVER, BE LATE!
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CAPRICORN: Home is where the heart is during this time. Relationships with parents go smoothly and decorating takes on a whole new meaning. Watch out for digestive problems. AQUARIUS: Communications of all types goes smoothly during this time. You may be thinking this is a good time to write that book you’ve been thinking about. PIS CES : Financially, things could go either way. Opportunities may arise but extravagance may diminish the full effect. Keep credit cards at home.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Solution from page 15
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
(Our competitive rates will make you smile too.) Jokes + Local Stories + Community Events + Horoscopes + Puzzles Full Colour or Black & White • Full Month Exposure • Back Issues Archived Online Distributed in Doctor’s Offices, Pubs, Banks, Restaurants, Pharmacies… and more!
Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone
604-525-9027
publisher@piffle.ca
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24
February 2012
THE HILLBILLYS
“Now, how long will you need them” asks the
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5
yardman.
miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to
“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask
go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro
Jeb” says Jethro and yet again walks the 10
walks the 5 miles to town to the local
miles to the hills and back to town.
lumberyard.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman,
“Jeb says we’re gonna need some 4 x 2’s” Jethro tells the yardman.
“Jeb says you better give ‘em to us for a while… we’re gonna build a barn.”
“Do you mean 2 x 4’s” asks the yardman. “Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask
BIBLICAL HUMOR
Jeb” says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the
the hills and back to town.
Bible?
“Jeb says we’re gonna need 2 x 4’s” Jethro tells the yardman.
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was
“Now, how many 2 x 4’s will you need” asks the yardman.
heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in
“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask
one Accord.
Jeb,” says Jethro, and again walks the 10
Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the
miles to the hills and back to town.
Bible?
“Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of ‘em”
A: Samson. He brought the house down.
Jethro tells the yardman.
OPEN MIC NIGHT FEB 12 STARTING AT 1:00PM Feature Singer/Songwriter/Poet
BOB STARK from Vancouver
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC!
OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out.
FEATURING ON FEB 26 AT 1:00–3:00PM
WESTFALL MOUNTAIN is performing and hosting New West Local Singing Group PLUS KNITTERS GROUP ON THURSDAY STARTS AT 5:00PM
BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012 Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A: Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q: Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy? A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!
AGING WITH A CHUCKLE Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I’m getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.” I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.” Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up. Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
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26
February 2012 IT’S WHAT PANDAS DO A panda bear walks into a bar and orders
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a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bearlike marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
THE TALKING FROG A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, “Didn’t you hear me?! I’m a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!” The guy took the frog out and said, “Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don’t have time for a girlfriend… but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!”
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HARRY THE HUNTER A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. “Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
27
“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”
I HEARD THAT An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect… Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
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FUNERAL PROCESSION Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green. As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.” The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
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28
February 2012
GLASS EYE
with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the
LARRY & DALE Two roofers, Larry and Dale were on the
theater followed by drinks. After paying for
roof laying tile, when a sudden wind gust came
everything, she asks him if he would like to
and knocked down their ladder. “I have an
come to her place for a nightcap… and stay
idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and
for breakfast the next morning.
then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal
you think, I’m stupid? “I have an idea” said
with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!
Dale. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can
Everything has been incredible!
climb down on the beam of light.” “What, do
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
you think I’m stupid?” said Larry “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”
meet?” “No,” she replies… “You just happened to
NOT MIKE
catch my eye.
A group of friends who went deer hunting
THE CAPTAIN & THE SEAMAN Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course
separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
February 2012
29
another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
Meet the Boyfriend A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
YOUTH FIRE FIGHTER PROGRAM New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services and the City’s Parks, Culture and Recreation department have partnered to offer a unique and exciting opportunity for youth interested in pursuing a career in Firefighting.
They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of Community Service?”
ANOTHER TURKEY STORY A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!” “Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.” “No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.” “Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.” “No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.” “Airplane ticket… What did you need an airplane ticket for?” “Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, “PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,” so I flew to Alaska.”
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
Running from July 3rd to 7th, 2012, the Youth Firefighter Program will provide Grade 11 and 12 students an opportunity to experience a condensed fire academy situation. All youth interested in the Youth Firefighter Program are invited to pick-up an application form at any Parks, Culture and Recreation facility or Glenbrook Firehall #1 or by calling the Youth Services office at 604-515-3775. Applications are due by Friday, April 27th, 2012, prior to close of the facility. REMEMBER — MOVE RIGHT FOR SIRENS & LIGHTS When the fire department, or any other emergency vehicle, is called to an emergency, it is important that we respond quickly and safely. If you are driving down the road and notice the lights and sirens of an emergency vehicle in your rearview mirror, MOVE TO THE RIGHT AND STOP to allow the emergency vehicle to move easily down the road. Once the emergency vehicle has passed merge safely back into traffic. Every time an emergency vehicle is called on to respond, the crew is giving their all to help others. Doing your part as a driver assists us to do our job as quickly and safely as possible. Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you & your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
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30
February 2012 A YOUNGER WIFE Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The
WELCOMES ITS NEWEST TENANT
fairy waved her wand and poof… the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” So the fairy picked up her
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wand and poof… the husband was 90.
ASSERTIVENESS A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal,
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I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The funeral director,” said his wife.
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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the
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road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and
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demanded, “What was in your spray can?
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What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hare Spray… Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”
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YOUR BEST SCOTH, PLEASE A guy runs into the bar and says, “Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch.” The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. “Wow that’s the fastest I’ve seen anyone drink,” says the bartender. “Well you’d drink that fast if you had what I had,” The man says. “Oh my god,” the
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bartender says, “What do you have?” The man replies “50 cents.”
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February 2012
KARAOKE NIGHTS FREE MEAT BINGO Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights
Thursdays
MEAT DRAWS & 50/50 DRAWS Fridays & Saturdays
Submit your community event at piffle.ca