May 2013 | Your community humour magazine | issue 152
Hyack is Happening and The Royal City Rocks with Good Family Fun! Story P18 | Festival Listings P14
MAY MADNESS PRIZES! See page 12 FOR contest details
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Piffle Index Cover Story Parade & Uptown Live Highlights Hyack Festival �������������������������18 2013 Hyack Festival Week Schedule of Events �����������������������������14
Editorial The Diewert Foundation Launches Highly Anticipated Seniors Program ������������������������������������������������������������������26, 27 Horoscopes by Liza ��������������������������������������������������������������������������6 Imperial Pharmacy Community Page ����������������������������������������������9 New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services �������������������������������������16 Poet’s Corner with Candice James ��������������������������������������������������7 Sargent’s City Scene ����������������������������������������������������������22, 23, 25 Piffle Magazine Subscription Form �����������������������������������������������30
Glenn Jones Funny Bones �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Meet the Jones’ ������������������������������������������������������������������������������18 The Visitor ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������22
Piffle Fun! Chris Sargent Word Search ��������������������������������������������������������������3 Circle Quirk Maze ���������������������������������������������������������������������������31 Math Madness ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������10 Math Madness Solution �����������������������������������������������������������������31 Number Blocks �������������������������������������������������������������������������������15 Number Blocks Solution ����������������������������������������������������������������31 Piffle Quiz ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������23 Piffle Quiz Answer �������������������������������������������������������������������������28
Advertisers BAAS Executive Offices ������������������������������������������������������������������23 Betty McIntosh, Councillor ��������������������������������������������������������������5 Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators �����������������������������������������28 Burnaby Square Prescriptions �������������������������������������������������������21 The Canadian Club �������������������������������������������������������������������������16 Chan’s Garden ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������28 Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel ��������������������������������������������������29 Columbia Theatre ��������������������������������������������������������������������������29 Computer Swap Meet and Collectable Fair �����������������������������������15 Dive & Sea ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������20 DOGMA Dog Art Prints �������������������������������������������������������������������15 Your Dollar Store With More ������������������������������������������������������1, 12 Dunwood Place ������������������������������������������������������������������������������24 E.R. Computers ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������3 Filthy Phil ���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������25 Fin Donnelly, MP ������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Gabor Gasztonyi Photography �������������������������������������������������������11 G.I. Gracey Notary Corp. ����������������������������������������������������������������24 Hector Bremner �������������������������������������������������������������������������������5 Hyack Festival ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������17 Imperial Pharmacy �����������������������������������������������������������������������1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon ��������������������������������������������������������������������������25 Judy Darcy ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������21 Mac Seniors ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������5 Mayor Wayne Wright ���������������������������������������������������������������������24 Newcomers Friendship Club ����������������������������������������������������������12 New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club �����������������������������������������5 New Westminster Parks, Culture & Recreation �����������������������������13 OK Tire �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������28 One Source Production ������������������������������������������������������������������24 Patti’s Hair Salon ���������������������������������������������������������������������������24 Peter Julian, MP �������������������������������������������������������������������������������4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar ���������������������������������������������������20 The River’s Reach Pub ����������������������������������������������������������������������1 Sarah Johnson Landscaping �����������������������������������������������������������20 Simple Hearing Solutions ��������������������������������������������������������������20 Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church ����������������������������������10 Uptown Furnishings �����������������������������������������������������������������������29 Uptown Live! ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������32 Waffle House ������������������������������������������������������������������������������5, 25 West End Medicine Centre ���������������������������������������������������������1, 29 Westminster Carwash Ltd. �������������������������������������������������������������20
May 2013 THE DOG One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: “does your dog bite?” The old man replies, “No never.” When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says “I thought you said your dog did not bite!” “I did,” replies the old man, “but this isn’t my dog!”
WHAT’S THAT? Rocko attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Rocko gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Rocko, what do you want me to pray about?” Rocko says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Rocko’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Rocko how’s your hearing now?” Rocko says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
HE HAS ALSO GOT THE SHAKES A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”
May 2013
3
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”
The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told
AFTER TODAY… NO MORE!
him to wait for the doctor.
Submitted by Ed Goss
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking… scared the heck out of me.
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination,
So that’s it!
and then said, “I just checked you out
After today, no more reading.
thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.”
C N J G Z A Y A Q Z W A G M G
I M R Q L M D O S K A E Z G O
N A F M W B Y N L B K W A Z E
T A E X O S V J P T N Z A H U
O R S U T S S R R O R T U M R
S U R H R O Q R O L B W Q O I
H N Q E D G N A U X F K H N B
E R G V I O R E L W T P T N S
A N E Z X I W C X Q A N J M D
U J D R M L N N G V H R X R J
N I D E R F M O Z Z R C D A C
E G Z E L E R B W T H H U L K
V A G H K B F M F A W J Q U E
K E G O O D W I N B X C Q P Y
A G NT
M U N R O D P I R O H Y Z P R
CHRIS
WORD ASHDOWN BONCEA
SEARCH
FERRER FREDIN
MUNRO
GOODWIN
PALMER
GOSS
PROULX
KAZEMIR
RADBOURNE
LOYD
UNGER
MCINTOSH
WARDLE
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May 2013
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Verne Siebert Sales, Distribution
Email: sales@piffle.ca
604-763-6304 Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
piffle.ca
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2013
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► 10 years of making a difference in New Westminster ► Vice-Chair, Community & Social Issues Commitee ► Vice President, Hyack Festival Association ► Director, New Westminster Environmental Partners ► Director, BC Senior Services Society ► Active Parent in Children’s School ► Husband, Fathe
TEL: 778.829.8864
email: Hector.Bremner@BCLiberals.com
@HectorDBremner facebook.com/Hector.4.NewWest
& Enjoy May Day Hyack Festival!
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
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6 NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! EMAIL LIZA FOR DETAILS: Liza_kol@hotmail.com
MATH FOR MY SWEETHEART A young man tutored his sweetheart math, he thought of it as his mission. He kissed her once then once again and said “There, that’s addition!” She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action, she kissed once and once again, smiled and said “and that’s subtraction!” Now she’d learned the basics without too much complication, they kissed each other once, then twice, and said “that must be multiplication!” Meanwhile the young lady’s father had this ‘lesson’ in his vision, he kicked that boy ten
May 2013
foot out the door and said “Then that is long division!”
ARIES: Watch for conflicts within partnerships this month; both personally & professionally. Thinking before you talk is important.
ASKING TO PLAY
TAURUS: Your very assertive this month and its a good time to show the world what you can do. Just don’t be to aggressive, it could backfire.
house. When his friend’s mother answered he
GEMINI: Physical relations are important to you this month. You may find the mate of your dreams or scare them away with your strong personality. CANCER: This month its a good time to do those home renovations. You do your best work out of your home. LEO: You discover just how much love there really is in your life this month. You find beauty in your every day surrounding. VIRGO: Don’t judge yourself by what you own. However, it is a good month to put your energy into making money, just be wise about it. LIBRA: Your a star at charming people and this month you pull out all the stops. You put pleasure before work this month. SCORPIO: Being assertive this month will not work in your favour. Step back and listen before speaking your mind. SAGITTARIUS: Think about your goals and actively pursue them this month. Put your energy into your dreams and they will more than likely come true. CAPRICORN: You may find your superiors tick you off this month. Better to just get the job done amidst all the turmoil and avoid the aggravation. AQUARIUS: You either have travel or education on your mind this month. Why not try them both and expand your horizons. PISCES: Keep issues regarding other people’s money to a minimum. However, if people owe you money, now is the time to try to get it back.
George knocked on the door of his friend’s asked, “can Albert come out to play? “No,” said the mother, “it’s too cold.” “Well, then,” said George, “can his football come out to play?” Baby sitting
CALL FOR BACKUP A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
GIT BACK TO BED! A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed. At 9:00 p.m. the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, “No.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2013
7
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home!”
BACK TO SCHOOL Little Johnny had finished his summer
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
THREE SONS Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, ”I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”
Poem For Dawn Black’s Retirement © Susan McLeod Kind fare-thee well, departing one, Retirement is cast. Remember and regard your run: Long working days are past. We celebrate and cheer for you And for the roles you’ve played. A well-deserved release for you… What memories you’ve made! We thank you for the work you’ve done Reliably for years. You’ve shouldered much, and read a ton, And shed, at times, some tears. We’ll miss your smiling face as you Completed every chore. We’ll miss your willingness to do Some more, and more, and more. So as you leave politic ways To take a well earned rest, We wish you peace and pleasant days. We think that you’re the best! I have lived in New Westminster for over 20 years. I have written poems forever, mostly for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, bon voyages, etc. for family and friends. For the past few years I have enjoyed writing poems about New Westminster; its history, people, places and events. My special interest is writing about, and for Honour House, the house in New Westminster that provides a temporary home for our Canadian forces personnel, veterans and first responders and their families while they are receiving medical care in the lower mainland. – Susan McLeod
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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May 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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May 2013
9
MAPLE LEAF SINGERS
(NWCPC) have partnered together to offer residents an opportunity to come together and talk about their neighbourhood safety.
May 25, 8:00 p.m. Massey Theatre, 735 8th Ave
The Safe Neighbourhood Grant aims to encourage local residents and merchants to participate in community safety and livability by hosting neighbourhood safety meetings and events. These safety meetings or events are used as a forum to talk about crime prevention, and police staff or volunteers would like to attend and talk to your group or host an information booth.
The Maple Leaf Singers present “Caution: Jazz Hands”
General Admission: $20, Seniors/Students: $18, Children (12 and under):$10. Special Group and Advance Club pricing until April 30 only, phone 604-594-6235 or 604-520-3337. After April 30 phone Massey Ticket Centre 604-521-5050. Website: mapleleafsingers.com
HYACK NEEDS VOLUNTEERS
Hyack Festival Association is looking for Volunteers and Performers for a variety of upcoming events including: • the Hyack Festival - May 17 to 26 • the Hyack International Parade - May 25 • Uptown Live - May 25 Contact: Hyack Office at 604-522-6894 or www.hyack.bc.ca
STAND-UP COMEDY SHOWCASE!
Featuring the Century House Comedy Class Graduates. Enjoy a comical night at Lafflines. 530 Columbia St Sunday, May 5, at 2:00 pm (doors open at 1:00 pm). Full food and beverage services available. Call 604.525.2262 to reserve your seat at a cost of $15.00.
MASSEY VICTORY HEIGHTS RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION ANNUAL GARAGE SALE Saturday May 4th, 2013 8:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. LOCATIONS • 830 York Street (back lane) • 906 Massey Street (back lane) • 438 Elmer Street (front yard) For more information send an e-mail to: garage.sale@masseyvictoryheights.com
SAFE NEIGHBOURHOOD GRANT
The City of New Westminster and New Westminster Community Policing Committee
The Safe Neighbourhood Grant is a way to promote safe, livable and cohesive neighbourhoods, which in turn build the best community in which to live, work and play. For more information on the Safe Neighbourhood Grant visit www.newwestpolice.org
JANE’S WALK
Jane’s Walk is a series of neighbourhood walking tours. Named after urban activist and writer Jane Jacobs, Jane’s Walks are held annually during the first weekend in May to coincide with her birthday. Local resident, and Century House member, Mary Wilson is spearheading a Jane’s Walk initiative in New Westminster and inviting residents to offer their own walk in a New Westminster neighourhood. The walks are intended to be a celebration of what’s great about the urban neighbourhoods that we live in. Jane’s Walks are led by volunteers, and are offered for free. The walks are led by anyone who has an interest in the neighbourhoods where they live, work or hang out. They are not always about architecture and heritage, and offer a more personal take on the local culture, the social history and the planning issues faced by the residents.
present a spectacular evening of laughter and amazement. Greyhaven Exotic Bird Sanctuary and the Parrot Resource Centre have teamed up for the first time ever to stage this night of laughter and magic as a fundraising event to benefi t both organizations. Headliners include Scott Christie, hypnotist and mind master, and Rod Boss, a comedic magician for more than 30 years. Christie’s ridiculously funny hypnosis show is always fresh and creative, guaranteed to have the audience laughing all night; a tasteful show full of laughter and excitement, it is suitable for the whole family. Boss has delighted more than 3,000 audiences throughout Europe, Asia, and North America with his close-up magic. His energetic approach and positive attitude have gained him a reputation as one of Canada’s leading entertainers. In addition to the awesome entertainment, the evening will include a silent auction with many great items and feature a framed limited edition fine art print by Canadian artist, Stefanja Dumanowski. With only 200 tickets available, it is expected to be a sell out performance. For more information or to purchase tickets, visit the theatre website at: www.thecolumbia.ca.
For more information about the New Westminster walks, email Mary Wilson at gardenerwilsonm@hotmail.com
COMEDY HYPNOSES SHOW
The Amazing Comedy Hypnosis Show — Fundraiser to benefi t parrots May 24, 7:00 p.m. Columbia Theatre, 530 Columbia St Two of Canada’s leading parrot rescue and education organizations are joining forces to
MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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10
May 2013
Disney WORLD
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
My two-year-old cousin scared us one
“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl
summer by disappearing during our lakeside
who’s just like your mother.”
vacation. More than a dozen relatives
A few months later they meet again and his
searched the forest and shoreline, and
friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did
everyone was relieved when we found Alex
your mother like her?”
playing calmly in the woods. “Listen to me,
With a frown on his face, Fred answers,
Alex,” his mother said sharply. “From now
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just
on when you want to go someplace, you tell
like my mother. You were right, my mother liked
Mommy first, okay?” Alex thought about that
her very much.”
for a moment and said, “Okay. Disney World.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
FRED WANTS TO GET MARRIED FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you
The child comes home from his first day at
married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
them home to meet my parents, my mother
EXPECTING
doesn’t like them.”
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The sixyear old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become
Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church 486 East Columbia Street at at Braid, New Westminster 486 East Columbia Street Braid, New Westminster 486 East Columbia Street at Braid, New Westminster 486 East Columbia Street at Braid, New Westminster Universal Brotherhood Spiritualist Church 486 East Columbia Street at Braid, New Westminster Scottish Medium Jim Hyndman, CSNU Scottish Medium Jim Hyndman, CSNU Scottish Medium Jim Hyndman, Scottish Medium Jim Hyndman,CSNU CSNU
MediumDEMONSTRATION Jim Hyndman, CSNU Friday, May 24,24, 7:30Scottish pm • MEDIUMSHIP • $15 in advance Friday, DEMONSTRATION • $15 in advance Friday,May May 24,7:30 7:30pm pm• •MEDIUMSHIP MEDIUMSHIP DEMONSTRATION • $15 in advance m in $80 nonm Saturday, May 25 25 •Friday, INTERMEDIATE WORKSHOP – ASPECTS OFOF MEDIUMSHIP $75 m advance $80 nonm Saturday, May • INTERMEDIATE WORKSHOP – ASPECTS MEDIUMSHIP May 24, 7:30 pm • MEDIUMSHIP DEMONSTRATION • $15 in advance Friday, May 24, 7:30 pm • MEDIUMSHIP DEMONSTRATION •$75 $15 $75 m $80 nonm Saturday, May 25 • INTERMEDIATE WORKSHOP – ASPECTS OF MEDIUMSHIP $75 m $80 nonm Saturday, May28, WORKSHOP OF MEDIUMSHIP Tuesday, May 28, 725pm • PHILOSOPHY CAFÉ • –$6 members •OF $8 non-members Tuesday, 7•7INTERMEDIATE pm • •PHILOSOPHY CAFÉ $6 members • MEDIUMSHIP $8 non-members $75 m $80 no Saturday, May 25 •May INTERMEDIATE WORKSHOP –•ASPECTS ASPECTS Tuesday, May 28, pm PHILOSOPHY CAFÉ • $6 members • $8 non-members Tuesday, May 7SUNDAY pm • PHILOSOPHY CAFÉ • $6 members • $8 non-members Sunday, May 26,26, 10:30 am • 28, SUNDAY SERVICE & MEDIUMSHIP MESSAGES • All welcome Sunday, May 10:30 am • SERVICE & MEDIUMSHIP MESSAGES • All welcome Tuesday, May 28, 7 10:30 pm PHILOSOPHY CAFÉ • $6 members • •$8 non-members Sunday, May 26,May 10:30 am •amSUNDAY SERVICE &MEDIUMSHIP MEDIUMSHIP MESSAGES • All welcome Sunday, • SUNDAY SERVICE & MESSAGES All welcome Saturday, June 126, •1Workshop - ADVANCED MEDIUMSHIP $75 m $80 nonm Saturday, June • •Workshop - ADVANCED MEDIUMSHIP $75 m nonm Saturday, 1SUNDAY • Workshop - ADVANCED MEDIUMSHIP $75 m $80$80 Saturday, Juneam 1June Workshop -SERVICE ADVANCED MEDIUMSHIP $75 mnonm $80 nonm Sunday, May 26, 10:30 • & MEDIUMSHIP MESSAGES • All welcom Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 30 30 MINMIN READINGS • B•OOKINGS & REGISTRATION CALL AFTERNOONS JJULIA 604-519-1227 PRIVATE READINGS $65 BOOKINGS & REGISTRATION AFTERNOONS JULIA 604-519-1227 PRIVATE 30 MIN$65 READINGS $65 • BOOKINGS REGISTRATION CALL CALL AFTERNOONS ULIA 604-519-1227 PRIVATE 30 MINJune READINGS • BOOKINGS &&REGISTRATION CALL AFTERNOONS JULIA PRIVATE 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Saturday, 1 • $65 Workshop - ADVANCED MEDIUMSHIP $75 m 604-519-1227 $80 nonm Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 31.
www.ubsc.ca •& spiritual@ubsc.ca • spiritual@ubsc.ca www.ubsc.ca • REGISTRATION $65 •www.ubsc.ca BOOKINGS CALL AFTERNOONS JULIA 604-519-122 PRIVATE 30 MIN READINGS www.ubsc.ca •spiritual@ubsc.ca spiritual@ubsc.ca PLEASE CHECK OUR WEBSITE FOR SPECIAL EVENTS AND VISITINGMEDIUMS MEDIUMS PLEASE CHECK OUR WEBSITE FORFOR SPECIAL EVENTS AND VISITING PLEASE CHECK OUR WEBSITE SPECIAL EVENTS AND VISITING MEDIUMS PLEASE CHECK OUR WEBSITE FOR SPECIAL EVENTS AND VISITING MEDIUMS
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11
of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves,” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children,” asks the father. “How will
GOD WILL PROVIDE A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and
man. The father invites the fiancee to his
each time the father questions, the young
study for a drink.
idealist insists that God will provide.
“So what are your plans,” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
“Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
MOTHER’S ADVICE Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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May 2013 PICKING UP THINGS Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time. Miss Jones said, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” A little boy in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
INHERITING A FORTUNE When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he
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walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my
About a week later, Julie went to John
father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
saying, “Ever since your mother came to
Impressed, the woman went home with him
dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver
that evening.
gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it,
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.”
MOTHER KNOWS BEST John invited his mother over for dinner.
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy
During the course of the meal, his mother
ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you
couldn’t help but notice how John and his
‘did not’ take the gravy ladle but the fact
roommate Julie looked at each other. She
remains that one has been missing ever
had long been suspicious of a relationship
since you were here for dinner. Love, John.”
between the two and this only made her
The next day, John received a response
more curious. By the end of the evening
from his mother that read: “Dear Son, I’m not
she was convinced there was more between
saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m
them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s
not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie.
thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping
you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie
in her own bed, she would have found the
and I are just roommates.”
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”
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May 2013
2013 Hyack Festival Week Schedule of Events
Hyack Festival Youth Cup Swim Meet Canada Games Pool
Friday, May 17— Sunday, May 19
DiverCity Multicultural Festival Westminster Quay
Saturday, May 18 12:00 pm-6:00 pm
"Mayday! Mayday!” Double Exposure presents The Complete History of New Westminster plus a lot of other funny stuff
Sunday, May 19
Massey Theatre, 735 Eight Avenue
7:30 pm
Hyack Antique Fair Queen’s Park Arenex
Sun., May 19-Mon., May 20 10:00 am-5:00 pm
Annual Artisans’ Spring Market Centennial Lodge, Queen’s Park
Sun., May 19-Mon., May 20 11:00 am-5:00 pm
Anvil Battery Salute Queen’s Park Stadium
Monday, May 20 11:30 am
May Day Celebrations Queen’s Park Stadium
Wednesday, May 22 11:15am
Hyack Hospitality Weekend Various New Westminster Locations
Friday, May 24— Sunday, May 26
Key West Ford Hyack International Parade Uptown New Westminster
Saturday, May 25 11:00 am
Uptown Live Uptown New Westminster
Saturday, May 25 12:30 pm-6:00 pm
Powder Blues with James ‘Buddy’ Rogers The Columbia, 530 Columbia Street
Saturday, May 25 8:00 pm
34th Annual Heritage Home Tour Various New Westminster Locations
Sunday, May 26
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604-521-6304 Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 31.
funpromo@shaw.ca
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May 2013 JOINING THE ARMY As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office. There were audible gasps around the table, then
SPRING FIRE SAFETY TIPS
Spring is here once again. Here are some tips that will help ensure a fire-free entrance to summer: • Smoke detector batteries should be checked, and replaced if necessary. • Smoke detector units should be cleared of dust. • Fire extinguishers should be checked, and recharged if necessary. • Electric wiring should be checked for damage, and replaced if necessary. • Electrical outlets and extension cords should not be overloaded. • Air Conditioning units and electrical cords should be checked. • Barbeque Gas grills (including gas hoses) and propane tanks should be inspected prior to use. • Windows should be checked to make sure they open and close properly, in case they are needed as exits. • Review your family’s Fire Escape Plan. Make sure you have two exits and an outdoor family meeting place. • Fuels for lawn and garden equipment, etc. should be stored in an approved container only. • Pesticides and chemicals should be stored in an approved container and away from children. • Swimming pool chemicals should be stored according to manufacturer guidelines. • Oil based paints and solvents should be stored in a metal cabinet. • Ensure all combustible items are stored away from the house. • Clear any dead, dry trees or shrubs.
Outdoor Burning Open burning of yard waste or garbage is a potential fire hazard. It also impacts the air quality in our region. New Westminster Fire Protection Bylaw 6940 prohibits the open air burning of any garden refuse, any and all waste material from construction sites or any land clearing materials.
Outdoor Fire Places
some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?” “You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
THE LAMP A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. “But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”
TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO One day Joe’s mother turned to Joe’s father and said,” It’s such a nice day, I think I’ll take Joe to the zoo.” “I wouldn’t bother,” said father. “If they
A great variety of outdoor fireplaces are for sale at hardware stores and garden centres. Although they are legal to sell, they are illegal to use within the City boundaries. The City’s Bylaw states: “No person shall at any time start, light, ignite or burn, or knowingly permit or cause to be started, lighted, ignited or burn any fire of any kind whatsoever in the open air or in any portable incinerator or other portable appliance or device whatsoever in the open air, except where such fire is contained within a portable appliance or device and is used solely for the cooking and preparation of food and is fueled by propane, natural gas or charcoal.”
Your New Westminster Fire Fighters care about you and your safety! Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
want him, let them come and get him!”
The aim of the Canadian Club is to foster throughout Canada, an interest in all matters of public concern. To protect our heritage and history. To encourage our unity and identity, and to increase our knowledge of other areas of our country and other countries that affect our lives.
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Cov er Story
May 2013
Parade & Uptown Live Highlights Hyack Festival
T
he Hyack Festival is New Westminster’s iconic annual event and is greeted each year with great anticipation. 2013 marks the 42nd year of the Hyack Festival, making it one of the longest running festivals in British Columbia. The 9-day festival promises to bring much excitement to the streets of New Westminster. The celebrations will culminate on Saturday, May 25 with the thrill of the Hyack International Parade
presented by Key West Ford followed by the fun and energy of Uptown Live, the cool street festival launched last year. “The Hyack Festival Association’s mandate is to create and produce signature legacy events for the City of New Westminster,” says Douglas Smith, Executive Director of the Hyack Festival Association. “We have rea lly focused on revitalizing the Hyack Festival to make it more
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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19
relevant to the community and a regional audience. We have a large number of new parade entries this year which should add to the excitement on parade day. Once again we will be transitioning to Uptown Live following the conclusion of the parade and we have all kinds of new wrinkles planned around 6th and 6th.” The inaugural Uptown Live street festival showcased the best of the Indie music scene from the Vancouver area. Live music is planned on 3 separate main stages located in the uptown area. The complete line-up of stage performances was not finalized at press time. Among the bands already confirmed are the Shilohs, Bend Sinister, Belle Game and the Boom Booms. Uptown Live will feature great food from select Vancouver food trucks and a host of interactive activities highlighted by BMX and skateboard demos. The City Hall Open House showcasing city departments and services
will be located on Belmont Street as part of a Kids Activity Zone. “We are very excited about the direction Hyack is taking” said Bart Slotman, Vice President, Uptown Property Group and a major sponsor of Uptown Live. “We are delighted to support Hyack in the presentation of a high quality event that has regional appeal.” The Royal City Centre and Queen’s Park West are copresenting sponsors of Uptown Live. “Royal City Centre is incredibly excited to participate again this year. We are proud to support the community we work in”, said Laura Veevers, Property Manager, Royal City Centre. “On behalf of the ownership of the centre and the retail operators, we would want to make this event
something New Westminster can be very proud of.” Since 1971, the Hyack Festival has attracted thousands of local residents and visitors to our community. Other highlights during t his year’s festiva l week include the DiverCity Mu lt ic u lt u ra l Fest iva l on S at u rd ay, May 2 8 on t he boardwalk at Westminster Quay, the Anvil Battery Salute at Queen’s Park Stadium, on Monday, May 20, and May Day Celebrations at Queen’s Park on Wednesday, May 22. end
For more information, visit the Hyack Festival Association website at www.hyack.bc.ca. For more information about Uptown Live including a full schedule of performances, visit www.uptownlive.ca or at Facebook.com/UptownLive.
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May 2013 BCLNA Member
SAILSMAN “Is your mother home,” the salesman asked the small boy.
Sarah Johnson
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“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?” The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”
THANKSGIVING DIVORCE TUES, MAY 7, 7-9 P.M.
JOLINE BAYLIS & ENRICO RENZ Musician Singer Song Writers Tickets: $10
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OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
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“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME,” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER After 12 years of Liberal government, it’s time for a change. It’s time for a new government with better priorities. To grow a sustainable economy and create jobs, Adrian Dix and the BC NDP will invest in education and skills training, reduce inequality, and improve healthcare.
JUDY DARCY for
Authorized by Heather Harrison, Financial Agent, 604-430-8600 CUPE 3787
NEW WESTMINSTER
judy.darcy@bcndp.ca | judydarcy.bcndp.ca 604-517-8400 | Twitter @darcyjudy
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May 2013
Sargent’s City Scene CITY APPOINTS NEW CHIEF ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICER After a national executive search, the City of New Westminster has appointed a new Chief Administrative Officer. Lisa Spitale will assume her new role on June 1st. “We began our search for a new Chief Administrative Officer last October and were very impressed with the high calibre of candidates who applied,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “In the end, we found the perfect candidate right here within our organization.” Lisa Spitale began her career with the City of New Westminster as a planner in 1992. She was promoted to Assistant Director of her department in 1996 and in 1999 became the Director of Strategic Services, overseeing business and liquor licensing, economic development and bylaw enforcement. In 2007, she assumed her current role as Director of Development Services. Under her guidance, the City developed a new Downtown Official Community Plan that was recognized with a
merit award from the International Downtown Association in 2010. In addition, she oversaw development of New Westminster’s Affordable Housing Strategy, Industrial Land Strategy and award-winning Westminster Pier Park Master Plan as well as a Development Assistance Compensation (DAC) agreement that has seen $60 million in projects currently underway or completed throughout New Westminster. “Our city is moving forward on a number of great initiatives that are positioning us as the place to be in Metro Vancouver,” said Mayor Wright. “Lisa’s energy, talents and deep knowledge of our community will be tremendous assets as she assumes her new leadership role.” Spitale takes over from Paul Daminato who retired as CAO earlier this year. “I’m extremely proud and honoured to be assuming the position of CAO,” said Spitale. “Our organization is blessed with hard-working, talented staff and a committed and engaged City Council. These are exciting times for New Westminster and I look forward to working with my colleagues, council, and the community in meeting the challenges — and opportunities — that lie ahead for our city.”
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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CITY NAMED 2013 GREEN CITY FINALIST The City of New Westminster has been named a finalist in the Green City Awards, which recognizes leaders across North America that successfully communicate and promote city recycling programs and initiatives to residents. The award categories are divided into large, medium, and small cities based on population, with New Westminster falling into the latter. What separates award nominees from finalists are creativity in delivering promotional campaigns and results achieved. Two initiatives that got New Westminster noticed were a student colouring contest that displayed winning recycling posters on the sides of city trucks and promotional grocery dividers displayed in local supermarkets. “Our goal is to educate our residents and help them reduce their environmental impact through responsible recycling and waste management,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “Being recognized through this award shows that our residents are listening and taking action.” While the City of Beloit, Wisconsin, was named the winner in the small city category, New Westminster residents can be proud of their continued efforts. “In 2012, New Westminster saw a 70% curbside recycling rate, a huge jump from just 28% in 2009,” says Kristian Davis, Supervisor of Solid Waste and Recycling. “Working with residents, we’re making great progress in reducing the amount of waste we produce.” To find out more about the Green continued on page 25
Who is the President of the Hyack Festival Association?
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May 2013
~ MAY 17 - 26, 2013 ~
SEE YOU AT THE HYACK FESTIVAL!
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City Awards, visit www. wasterecyclingnews.com.
continued from page 23
City Buys “Big Sarge” The City of New Westminster purchased the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier from the Simon Fraser Society for Community Living on June 28, 2011. This fantastic symbol of New Westminster will feature prominently in the City’s expanding public art portfolio. Our Soldier, representing a Sergeant Major of the Royal Engineers Columbia Detachment, was designed to be a special friend to all children and remind them open their hearts and help others less fortunate. Learn more about the World’s Largest Tin Soldier: www.newwestpcr. ca/culture/public_art/tin_soldier.php New Library Branch Photo Contest In a few short weeks, the New Westminster Public Library will become a two-branch library system for the first time in its 142 year history. The Library is celebrating the new branch by asking the community to show — in photographs — what you love best about the Library and New Westminster. The My New West photo contest will run until May 31, 2013. All you have to do is capture what you love most about our city in a stunning photo and submit it to the library. People of all ages and skill levels from novice to experienced can participate. Details available in the library and on the library’s website at www.nwpl.ca under “Events & Programmes”.
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May 2013
The Diewert Foundation Launches Highly Anticipated Seniors Program By Erin Mogul
T
hese days it’s not hard to look around and see so many people in need of help. There are people in need of financial assistance, seniors who are struggling during their golden years and communities that face on-going and new challenges every day. If you are sitting back thinking there is not enough people in the world who care enough to change it, Susan Diewert Kwong will change your mind. Along with many supporters, The Dr. Gordon L. Diewert Foundation was created. This legacy was formed to honour Susan’s first husband Dr. Gordon L. Diewert who died tragically on April 28, 1981 at the age of 30 when an impaired driver slammed into his car at the intersection of Gaglardi Way and Lougheed Highway, killing him instantly. He was a high academic achiever, a remarkable individual who excelled at everything he chose to take on. Dr. Diewert was a tenured Professor at Simon Fraser University (SFU) in the Department of Kinesiology. During the short length of Dr. Diewert’s career he had 13 publications in scholarly journals and five publications under review, including a book. Dr. Diewert had completed an evaluation of the physical abilities required of firemen and was about to introduce an employment screening program for the Vancouver Fire Department. He built testing equipment for the Vancouver Planetarium, was involved w it h aerody namics, reaction times in people who had
been drinking, the Gerontology Department at SFU and with lumber mills in northern B.C. to improve the working conditions. His interests were wide reaching and he made every effort to bridge the gap between the University and the general public. He was community oriented, coached, refereed and played recreational sports and as well enjoyed competitive sports. His first pet Ginny was a rescue cat and with all of this information in mind, The Foundation focuses on the following five initiatives: Responsible Drinking, Seniors, Community Building, Youth and Abandoned/Abused Pets. The Foundation is a registered cha ritable orga nizat ion w it h the Canadian Revenue Agency. The Charitable tax number is 884461328 RR0001. Much work has been done to build a team of coders, writers, artists, pharmacists a nd a ssista nts, d iet icia ns, hairdressers, housekeepers as well as recruit volunteers to help connect merchants with people in the community. While each initiative is taken very seriously, the first program being launched is dedicated to helping our seniors with the cost of prescriptions and with dietary and nutritional concerns. Severa l studies have shown the health of seniors is directly related to wealth. The Diewert Foundation developed a Pharma Aid Program to help those seniors living close to the poverty line with their prescription needs. The
program is designed to help pay for prescription deductibles and help answer questions regarding dietary concerns and nutritional needs. Within the year, there should be services that include: Estheticians, hair care for men and women, homemakers to assist with cleaning, ironing, errands, shopping, cooking/baking and light yard related chores. The Diewert Foundation can assist qualifying seniors who need medications and are struggling with finances. They do not want to see seniors having to choose between filling needed prescriptions and purchasing food. The Diewert Pharma Aid Program will pay 50% of the Pharmacare deductible up to a maximum of $250 per year and are currently accepting 1,000 applicants for this program. If you or a senior you know are in need of assistance, please fill out and/or pass along the Application Form below to enrol l in The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program. They want to assist seniors in our communities, helping to ease their struggle and hardship. For more information and to be involved please visit www.diewert.org.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
PHARMA AID APPLICATION FORM The Diewert Foundation is introducing The Pharma Aid Program to help seniors who are having on-going challenges with meeting their daily needs. The program is designed to pay 50% of the Pharmacare deductibles in 12 equal monthly payments up to a maximum of $250 per year. Currently, 1,000 applicants are being accepted into the program. About The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program We believe in equality for all and want to make sure underprivileged seniors are taken care of. We are focused on helping those seniors living close to the poverty line and are having difficulty with medical prescription payments. Eligibility • Canadian residents aged 65 years and older. • Seniors with more than 5 prescriptions per month. • Seniors in need of financial assistance. Instructions 1. Please make sure we receive your completed Application Form 2 weeks prior to your 65th birthday. 2. An incomplete Application Form will not be processed. 3. Completed Application Forms can be mailed to:
The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program #602 – 510 W. Hastings, Vancouver, B.C. V6B 1L8 Canada or faxed to: (604) 229-0023 or applied for on-line at: www.diewert.org
Section 1 – Personal Information Circle: Dr. Mr. Mrs. Miss Ms. Last Name First Name Middle Name Phone Number Alternate Phone Number Section 2 – Residence Apartment or House Address City Province Postal Code TYPE OF RESIDENCE Please circle: YES NO Homeowner YES NO Renter YES NO Resident in a care home or assisted living facility YES NO Other (e.g. living with family members) This Application Form does not automatically qualify you for The Pharma Aid Program. Each application will be reviewed and only qualified seniors will be selected to participate in The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program. Section 3 – Authorization • I authorize The Diewert Foundation to collect personal information • I authorize The Diewert Foundation approved pharmacy to contact me on a quarterly basis for my patient care review. It is my understanding necessary for processing The Pharma Aid Application Form. that I can opt out of the patient care review at any time and it will not • I authorize my medical prescriptions to be transferred from my current affect my status with the Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program. pharmacy to a pharmacy approved by The Diewert Foundation. The Diewert Foundation will provide me with a letter stating the name of • I authorize a Diewert Foundation approved pharmacy member to contact me regarding my medical prescriptions. the pharmacy approved by them. Also, to be eligible for Pharma Aid assistance I acknowledge that I need to submit the Pharmacare coverage letter to The Diewert Foundation. Section 4 – Signature Please sign below for this application to be accepted. I agree to the above and all information reported is correct. By signing The Application Form I agree to provide the information needed to qualify me for The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program. If senior is not capable of signing The Application Form, I relationship to the applicant am signing on behalf of and can provide the information needed to qualify for The Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program and all information reported is correct. Written Siganture Month Day Year Diewert Foundation Pharma Aid Program | #602 - 510 W. Hastings Street, Vancouver, B.C. V6B 1L8 | T. 1 (888) 966-8312
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May 2013
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2013
29
The COLUMBIA
jam!
WEST COAST HOME OF CLASSIC ROCK
Join SEAN GARRETT and FRIENDS at the prestigious COLUMBIA THEATRE
WEDNESDAY MUSIC NIGHT 7:00pm – 11:00pm
Come and listen to some of the FINEST MUSICIANS play classic rock and music from all genres! Whatever your style of music if you want to join in just bring your instruments and play in the best acoustical venue around.
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30
May 2013
TOOTH FAIRY
about this… by the way, what was it that you
After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious
didn’t do?’ The little girl replied, “My homework.”
tooth fairy. Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
THE STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD Here is a light hearted presentation of what we all think about our moms, at different
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”
points of our lives. Don’t get surprised because we all have the same tendency
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.
towards our mothers!
But as he headed for the door, he slowly
• 4 Years Of Age… My Mommy can do
turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”
anything • 8 Years Of Age… My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot • 12 Years Of Age… My Mother doesn’t really
PUNISHED
know quite everything
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” The mother exclaimed, ‘But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher
• 14 Years Of Age… Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either • 16 Years Of Age… Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned • 18 Years Of Age… That old woman? She’s way out of date • 25 Years Of Age… Well, she might know a little bit about it • 35 Years Of Age… Before we decide, let’s
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
get Mom’s opinion • 45 Years Of Age… Wonder what Mom would have thought about it
name address
• 65 Years Of Age… Wish, I could talk it over with Mom
city province phone email
postal
SAME SIZE Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests.
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He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2013
31
gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables,
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”
you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS: “You are just like your father!”
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME My mother taught me LOGIC: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS: “Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE: “When you get to be my age, you will
My mother taught me MEDICINE: “If you
understand.”
don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going
THE SHREDDER
to freeze that way.” My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD: “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help,” a secretary asked.
My mother taught me ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My mother taught me HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
“Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?”
“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 15
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from page 10 Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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