The Provincial House Times

The Geese are Back. Students be Safe.

The geese at the University of Missouri-St. Louis have taken their terror tactics to a whole new level. In addition to their poop-based warfare, they have now taken Nick Jonas captive.

According to eyewitnesses, Jonas was on campus for an interview for understew when he was ambushed by a group of aggressive geese. The birds reportedly cornered him and forced him into a nearby bush, where he has been held hostage ever since.

"We've been trying to negotiate with the geese, but they are stubborn and refuse to let Nick go," said the interviewer of understew. "They keep demanding more bread crumbs and a statue in their honor on campus."

The situation has attracted national attention, with fans and media outlets alike calling for the immediate release of the pop star. However, the geese seem to be enjoying their newfound power and are showing no signs of backing down.

"We've always known that humans are no match for us geese," boasted one of the ringleaders. "Now that we have Nick Jonas in our grasp, we are unstoppable."

UMSL officials are currently in talks with animal control and the National Guard to come up with a plan to rescue Jonas from the geese's clutches. In the meantime, students are being warned to stay away from the geese at all costs, lest they suffer a similar fate as the former Disney star.

Move over avengers! The senior citizens of the RWC are coming in. Recently the seniors citizens have been more active in attending the

Waterboard yoga class. While this is great news for the RWC, some think otherwise. Now the elderly are helping students cross the street. Students are now being forced to listen to the long winded story, help fetch items scattered around, and play cards out of fear.