Framing Harmony by Joshua Byrd

Framing Harmony a play, on words by Joshua J. Byrd (with help from Anna Telford and Spaced Out Productions)

2 New Farm 4005 +61 0438519545 phocks@gmail.com

Elijah Wood – scholarship student Harmony Stone – student, Bovine’s niece Sadie Sunshine – exchange student/actress Mr. Steven Crankshaft – lecturer, failed performer Ms. Clara Bovine – administration, Harmony’s aunt Mr. Formaldehyde – lecturer Mrs. Formaldehyde – lecturer

4 Act 1. Backstage Before the show. Around 1969ad, late August, just after tea time. [Lights dim. Sound of audience chatter.] [Elijah paces anxiously in front of curtain. Stops periodically, standing with back to audience. Mr Crankshaft enters.] Crankshaft: Elijah! Elijah! I’ve been searching everywhere for you, everywhere. I was going crazy, crazy! What are you trying to do to me? What! It’s almost time. This is it my boy; everything has been a prelude to this moment, everything. All my work is… All our work is finally going to pay off. It is all up to you now my boy, everything we’ve worked for is resting on your shoulders. It is of the upmost importance that you are flawless tonight. Do you understand? I just know you won’t let me down. Now, how do you feel? Elijah: I think I need to go to the bathroom. Crankshaft: Are you insane, there’s no time for that. Pull yourself together boy. Pull yourself together! We’ve got a show to do. Elijah: Have you seen how many people are out there? [peeks through curtain] What if I forget my lines. [Crankshaft laughs] Crankshaft: [amused] What if you forget your lines? What if you forget your lines? [Crankshaft gasps] What if you do forget your lines? What then… But you’re not going to forget your lines, no, no, no. Of course you’re not… Are you? Are you? You must project confidence at all times my boy. Stand tall, back straight, arms by your side, chin up, tuck that shirt in, fix your hair up. [Elijah plays along] Elijah: Yes sir. Crankshaft: [whispering in Elijah’s ear] A good audience can smell fear you know. They’re like hyenas… cheetahs… wolves… something like that anyway. Whatever, don’t worry, you look marvellous, marvellous. You’re going to be great! [quickly] Quick, what’s your first line? Elijah: Ah… [blank look] I think we should take it from the beginning. Crankshaft: Good, good! And your last line; what is it. Elijah: Um… something about finally seeing the truth. Crankshaft: Good! Good enough. The ones in the middle aren’t that critical you see. Just get the first one and the last one and the rest will take care of themselves. Now you’ve got your books, good, fantastic. Have you got your jacket?

Elijah: I’m wearing it. Crankshaft: Good! Good place for it. Do you have your glasses? Elijah: [Feels his face, then searches pockets] Um… Crankshaft: Your glasses, where are your glasses? The big thick nerdy looking ones, where are they? Those glasses are the key to your character. Remember, in the play you are short-sighted, extremely short-sighted, so you shouldn’t ever take them off, ever! Oh here, take mine [Gives Elijah his big thick nerdy looking glasses]. There, you look great! You remind me of me, when I was younger. Elijah: Ah… thanks. Crankshaft: Good luck Elijah. Break legs, break arms, break everything. [Crankshaft goes to leave] Elijah: Wait Mr. Crankshaft! Crankshaft: What did you call me? Elijah: …Mr. Crankshaft. Crankshaft: Oh, I remember the days when all the students used to call me that. Nowadays… Never mind, what is it? Elijah: Ah… Crankshaft: Speak up boy! Elijah: I can’t do this. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I know I said I could do this, but it turns out… I can’t. [more frantic] I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m crazy, I can’t. Why did I get my self into this? This is insane. I can’t go out there, not like this. [even more frantic] Please, please, I can’t do this. You’ve got to do something. Tell them I’m sick, tell them I’m missing, call in a bomb threat, something. You could do the show without me, fill in the gaps, I’m not that important, insignificant really. [incoherent] I can’t do it, I can’t. I just can’t do it… Crankshaft: [Shakes Elijah] Stop it. Stop it! Get a hold of yourself boy. I said stop it! You can do this. Confidence my boy, confidence is the key. Elijah: But, but, but, I’m not confident… I’ve never been confident… I can’t be confident… Crankshaft: Mr Wood, let me teach you a little trick that I used back in my day as a performer. Oh I was good, no I was great. They said I could have made it you know. I could have gone to the top, the very top. [Crankshaft bursts into song] Anyway, what you do is: when you’re out on stage and you look out into

6 the sea of people sitting there in anticipation, staring and glaring, their little beady eyes, critiquing your every move, simply picture yourself in your underwear… That should do the trick. Elijah: Um… Crankshaft: No, no, no here’s what it was: I’d go out there, proud and tall and stare right into the wide audience, then I’d look down and realise I wasn’t wearing any pants, or did I dream that? It doesn’t matter, I’ll fill you in on a little secret. Remember, the audience is more scared of you than you are of them. Elijah: That doesn’t sound right. Crankshaft: No it doesn’t does it? Good luck out there my boy. Now go! [Crankshaft pushes Elijah through the curtain.] [Curtain opens. Crankshaft is caught on stage and quickly runs off.] Elijah: I think we should take it from the beginning, the beginning is almost always a good place to… begin. Anyway, in this fair university where we lay our scene… in a world where theatre audience numbers are slowly dwindling, drawn away by other sorry excuses for entertainment, television, the silver screen and rock ‘n’ roll shows, the drama department at this uni stands tall in the face of adversary each year to create something exciting, something delighting, something spectacular!... This is not a tale of beauty; beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s not about freedom, since when have students ever been free? And above all else, love has absolutely no place in this story! Bovine: Stop! Cut! What was that? If this was a real audience you’d have been booed off stage by now, clothes soaked with rotten tomatoes and other foul smelling vegetables, or are they fruit? Whatever! The time we have to get this monstrosity together is running out and this is the best you can give me? It had nothing, no energy, no style, nothing! I swear you will all be the death of me… can’t anyone do anything right around here with out my direct guidance and control [Breathes deeply several times. Speaks calmly] Alright, now I know you’re all trying your best, but your best is just not good enough! And you Elijah, I just don’t think you’re getting your character, it’s just not coming through, you’re just too much like… you! People don’t come to see you; you’re much too boring. Alright, so obviously we’re going to run it again, right from the top, all the way through, let’s go, let’s go people! [Lights fade.]

7 Administration. A few months earlier. Start of semester. [Enter Harmony very cheerful and radiant, with flowers in her hair.] [Harmony sings love song, Bovine listens off stage, flowers also in hair.] Bovine: Oh that is the sweetest voice I have ever heard. What a beautiful way to begin the semester. Harmony: Auntie Clara! It’s so wonderful to be back. I just love the new campus. I can’t wait to get back into everything, the choir, student council, the beautiful new classrooms, my wonderful teachers. Bovine: Harmony, my favourite niece, with the voice of an angel, but you’re always singing those silly little love songs. You are a very promising student you know. You have to focus all your efforts on your studies this semester and forget this ridiculous obsession with love. Harmony: I know Auntie Clara, I know, but love is all around, all you need is love, that’s what they say isn’t it? Bovine: Who says that? My dear Harmony, this is the real world. I know from bitter experience that love doesn’t always work out the way you hope. I remember a long time ago, I thought I was in love… those days seem so far away. The truth is my dear that love, true love is a fantasy, it happens only in the movies or sometimes in the theatre if you’re lucky. I remember Steven Crankshaft used to put on the most wonderful love stories for the stage… oh those were the days. There are no happily ever afters in the real world my dear, believe me. Harmony: oh no, no, no I believe that love can conquer all obstacles; it can break thorough any boundary and stretch across all borders. Although… I’ve never actually been in love… but I’ve seen all the movies and heard all the songs, I’ve even been to a few plays and I just know that one day love will find me, I just know it. [Crankshaft enters and walks past] Bovine: I can see there’s no persuading you on this subject… [seeing Crankshaft] Oh Mr. Crankshaft! Where are you off to in such a hurry? Come here, I need to have a word with you. Crankshaft: Clara! I mean… Ms. Bovine. How are you? Bovine: I’m fine, and you? Crankshaft: Fine… [pause] Bovine: You’ve met my lovely niece Harmony I’m sure. Crankshaft: Yes, she’s been in a few of my classes, very intelligent young lady that one.

Bovine: Oh yes, very intelligent. She has a beautiful voice too, just beautiful. Sing for him dear… [Harmony too embarrassed to sing] She’s just a little shy. You can take it from me, she has the most divine voice you can imagine. I think she would make lovely addition to your theatre production this year. Harmony: But Auntie Clara… Bovine: Hush dear, this is a brilliant opportunity for you. Steven, I’m sure you’ll make certain she receives a good part. Crankshaft: Ms. Bovine you know I can’t go giving students preferential treatment. She is more than welcome to attend the auditions; they’re on in a few weeks actually. Bovine: Mr. Crankshaft, I do not wish to become upset; I need not remind you of what happens when I become upset. Besides who else are you going to cast? You’re shows need all the help they can get. All of your star actors have graduated and moved on to bigger and better things, while you stay here putting on your little shows year after year [chuckles a bit]. Harmony is perfect and there is no one else who could do a better job. [Sadie makes a big entrance] Sadie: Hi everyone! I was wondering if somebody help me. I’ve just arrived from the airport. I’m looking for student admin. Oh, you must be Ms. Bovine. I’ve heard so much about you. Bovine: All good things I presume. Sadie: Oh… of course, it’s really great to meet you finally. My name’s Sadie, Sadie Sunshine. I’m majoring in drama as an exchange student. I just love it here. I hear you guys do a big show each year. I would just love to audition. When I graduate, guess what I’m going to be. Bovine: I shudder to think… Sadie: An actress silly, a real actress, a star on the silver screen. Bovine: I see… Well Miss. Sunshine, it seems you are in luck. Mr. Steven Crankshaft here is head of the drama department. I’m sure he’ll be able to help you. Crankshaft: Oh yes, I’m sure I will. Come with me Miss. Sunshine. [Crankshaft goes to leave with Sadie] Harmony: Mr. Crankshaft before you go, I wonder if you would be able to just take a quick look at my creative writing assignment just to see if I’m on the right track. I know it’s not due for a while now, but I couldn’t wait to get started. I have my draft right here [finds draft in “Framing

9 Harmony” book] Crankshaft: But I only assigned the question yesterday, you are very eager. Harmony: I couldn’t resist the temptation sir, it’s a love story. Crankshaft: Well I’m usually much too busy to accept drafts from students to read over… [Bovine gives him a stern look.] Ah… why don’t you drop it into my office in a few weeks when I’m not so busy. [Crankshaft leaves with Sadie]

10 The Library – The Teachers. A few weeks later. [Enter Mr. & Mrs. Formaldehyde.] Mrs. Formaldehyde: [sarcastic] Oh I just love teaching those students, they’re just so attentive and so well behaved. Mr. Formaldehyde: …and so astute. Mrs. Formaldehyde: …and oh so enthusiastic. Mr. Formaldehyde: Do you know I caught eight students asleep in my literature class today? We’re only three weeks into the semester; I don’t usually get those kinds of numbers until at least week ten. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Eight students? What is it about Geoffrey Chaucer that leaves them so disinterested? Mr. Formaldehyde: I’m not sure. Maybe I should get around to actually reading the Canterbury Tales one of these days. Although if it’s as boring as they make out it is, I’m not sure I want to. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Perhaps they are not enjoying the fine arts on as many levels as we are able to. Mr. Formaldehyde: My sentiments precisely. It’s the main theme of my latest book, Literature Appreciation for Dummies. Mrs. Formaldehyde: For dummies? That will never sell. It’s a little condescending don’t you think? Mr. Formaldehyde: No I think you’re wrong. True dummies, like your average student, enjoy being spoken down to. They’re glad that someone else appreciates their stupidity. Have you read some of the drivel that is supposed to pass as academic writing these days? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Tell me about it. And they way they just head straight off the assignment topic. Mr. Formaldehyde: You’re lucky they even started on the topic. I assigned a question on the H.G. Wells classic, War of the Worlds the other week and got back thirteen essays on Orson Wells’ War of the Worlds, that ridiculous radio play. Mrs. Formaldehyde: [laughing] Oh, how preposterous. What did you give them? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh I passed them all. They had good structure and an excellent bibliography. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, the bibliography is the most important part. Mr. Formaldehyde: What’s more important? Besides it saves having to read over their terrible, unimaginative, off the topic work again and again, submission after submission. It’s terrible, absolutely terrible!

Mrs. Formaldehyde: Well, every so often there’s a couple that aren’t too bad. [Mr. Formaldehyde looks sternly at Mrs. Formaldehyde] You’re right, terrible, absolutely terrible. Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, what can we do about it, really? Mrs. Formaldehyde: I know. We’re only university lecturers remember. Mr. Formaldehyde: Right. What can we do? It’s a common fact that the responsibility of learning lies solely on the shoulders of the student, everyone knows that. I’m not here to spoon-feed reluctant learners; they should have the same passion and devotion to learning, study and Geoffrey Chaucer as I do. Perhaps they should buy my book, when it is published. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Yes. Oh how is your book coming along by the way? Mr. Formaldehyde: Stuck on chapter one. Actually, funny should mention it. Do you have that Mr. Elijah Wood character in any of your classes? Mrs. Formaldehyde: The name does sound oddly familiar… Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes, he is a very odd character indeed, wears glasses, funny looking haircut, always walking around with books. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Sounds familiar, I think I have him for Romantic music composition, he’s dreadful at it. Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh really? I’ve got him for philosophy on Mondays and Thursdays. His last essay, it was terrible, absolutely terrible of course compared to my academic standards, but I’m thinking of maybe “borrowing” just a few ideas from it. He’s here on scholarship you know. Mrs. Formaldehyde: On scholarship, really? But Mr. Formaldehyde my dear, wouldn’t that be… plagiarism? [The two laugh hysterically then calm to a sigh] Oh, where would we be without those scholarship students? Mr. Formaldehyde: I shudder to think my dear. Besides, it isn’t plagiarism darling remember, it’s intertextuality. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Intertextuality right! I use it all the time. Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh and I was speaking with that Steven Crankshaft the other day, he has Mr. Wood for theatre you know. Anyway, I told him about my book and Mr. Wood and now he’s thinking of perhaps persuading Mr. Wood to write his next “big hit” musical. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Crankshaft, he’s the… how should I say… rather dashing, cheerful, festive drama teacher isn’t he.

12 Mr. Formaldehyde: Mrs. Formaldehyde what exactly are you trying to suggest? Mrs. Formaldehyde: What I mean is, he’s a little… fruity, you know… don’t you think? Mr. Formaldehyde: Steven? Oh no not at all… he’s just a touch… effeminate. In fact I heard that he has, over the years, taken quite a liking to old Ms. Clara Bovine. Of course he’d never admit it though, not in a million years. Mrs. Formaldehyde: [Shocked, but fascinated] Ms. Bovine, really? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh yes and I’ve also heard that Ms. Bovine is not entirely impartial to him either. Apparently it all started years back when Steven first came to this university and began the tradition of an annual theatrical show. He used to write his own plays you know, they were fantastic! But a few years back he got writers block and hasn’t written a word since. Mrs. Formaldehyde: He’s got writers block? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, since ‘63. Mrs. Formaldehyde: For six years? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, he’s really backed up. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Did you see the show last year? Amazing. Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, Incredible, don’t you think? Mrs. Formaldehyde: My word, I couldn’t believe it. Mr. Formaldehyde: Neither could I. Mrs. Formaldehyde: How did he possibly do it again? Mr. Formaldehyde: I don’t know, I really don’t Mrs. Formaldehyde: How did he pull it off? Mr. Formaldehyde: It was another terrible, terrible show! [Enter Crankshaft] Crankshaft: Terrible show, terrible show? Everyone’s a critic. Actually, “terrible” is one of the more pleasant descriptions of my plays of late. Others have been a little more… colourful. I had it, once upon a time. My productions had the ability to make people sit tall in their seats, to produce laughter from a sombre broken-hearted lass and to move the most sturdy man to tears. Oh I could really get the show on the road back in my day. Now… now it’s like swinging and missing. The whole performance fails to rise to the occasion, comes up short. It’s like trying to win a sword fight with a smoked salmon. This year however, my fortunes are going to change. My theatrical slump is going to come to an end. I’m going to stand tall, hold my head up high and give them a show

13 they’ll never forget. [Crankshaft, after getting himself all worked up, springs into song. Bovine enters after song.] Bovine: What is the meaning of this? You can’t sing in here; this is a library Mr. Crankshaft and you most certainly can’t dance. Crankshaft: Terribly sorry Ms. Bovine, I don’t know what came over me. Excuse me for asking, but did you mean “I can’t dance” as in “I can’t dance” or as in “I can’t dance in here”? Bovine: You can take it however you see fit Mr. Crankshaft. I am most certainly not in the habit of rephrasing myself, especially not to an ineffectual, elongated, oxymoronic toad like you. Crankshaft: [with a touch of sarcasm] Dreadfully sorry Ms. Bovine. Bovine: Now, you are all aware of our current budget situation are you not? Mr. Formaldehyde: I am. Mrs. Formaldehyde: I am. Crankshaft: I… am now. Bovine: Then you are all aware that our finances are stretching rather thin this year. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, definitely. Crankshaft: Um… yes. Bovine: And of course I don’t have to remind you of my more than generous contributions to the drama department for performances each year. Crankshaft: [scared to say otherwise] Oh yes… very generous. Bovine: Oh, I love the theatre… as you are well aware. Crankshaft: Yes, of course. Bovine: And of course there is no substitute for classic theatre. Crankshaft: Absolutely none. Bovine: I have always thought the theatre to be a kind of meeting place of the arts, a synthesis of all forms of art. Don’t you think so? Crankshaft: Oh… yes. Bovine: You see there is the performance side, shown in the actor’s movements and vocal expressions. There is the artistic side, shown in the decoration of the sets and position of set pieces, and there is my

14 favourite, the musical expression shown through the score and the wonderful harmonies of voices singing. Crankshaft: Oh yes, pretty much exactly what I’ve been teaching for twenty-two years now. Bovine: In any case, I have attended every single performance of yours from the beginning Mr. Crankshaft, ever since I consented to the initiative of an annual theatrical show at the university. Your shows were once quite appealing. I couldn’t help but notice however, that your recent performances seem to have… lost their spark, their vigour, their taut nature that once made them so alluring to me. Crankshaft: Yes, I know and I am terribly sorry about that. Bovine: Now there are some people who think you are… not up to the job this year. Many have advised me to close up shop to the drama department in the midst of these troubling financial times. But although there are some people who doubt your abilities in that department, as the only member of the faculty who has seen you at your peak, I am giving you one last chance to turn everything around. Do not let me down. Crankshaft: Oh thankyou, Ms. Bovine thankyou! I promise I won’t disappoint you. This show is going to surpass even my best performances. It will be wonderful, magnificent, breathtaking, it will make the audience stand up and shout! Stand up and sing! [Crankshaft about to sing] Bovine: Alright, alright Mr. Crankshaft, no need to make a song and dance about it. Be grateful by all means, but please do it with composure. Crankshaft: Sorry Ms. Bovine. Thank you very much Ms. Bovine. You don’t know what this means to me. Bovine: Now… I should tell you, there are a few small guidelines I would like you to follow. [rolls out long list of guidelines] But otherwise, you have complete creative control. Crankshaft: [a little sarcastic] Thank you Ms. Bovine. How very generous of you. Bovine: [taking it as a compliment] Well, I do like to think of myself as a rather generous person, thank you. Good day Steven. [Bovine exits] Crankshaft: Complete creative control? Complete creative control! I’ll show her complete creative control! [Crankshaft screws up the list and exits, Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde sit for a bit] Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh my, now that you mention it, the sexual tension between those two is just palpable, isn’t it?

15 Mr. Formaldehyde: Why yes, great use of sexual undertones, don’t you think? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Absolutely my darling. How long have they been like this? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh I don’t know, ever since I can remember, six years at least. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Do you think they realise it? Their attraction to each other I mean. Mr. Formaldehyde: It certainly doesn’t seem like it. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh my, all that time and they haven’t figured it out. What a shame. Mr. Formaldehyde: What a shame indeed. [pause] Mrs. Formaldehyde: Perhaps they need a little… help. Mr. Formaldehyde: Perhaps you’re right my darling, perhaps you’re right. [Mr. and Mr’s Formaldehyde ponder for a moment then exit]

16 The Library – The Students [Enter Elijah holding a stack of books covering his vision. Almost tripping, he makes his way to a desk and begins flicking furiously through the books and tossing them aside] [Enter Harmony with a clip board, tripping on a book as she enters] Harmony: Elijah, I thought I’d find you here… Um, you dropped this, [Hands him a book] Elijah: Thanks. Harmony: Oh, how would you like to sign my petition? Elijah: Petition, what’s it for? Harmony: The bell curve, it’s great! It makes sure everyone gets the right grades for their assessment… proportionally. Auntie Clara thinks it’s a terrific idea, you have put your name down, please. Elijah: Um… ok [writes on the clipboard] Harmony: You certainly have got a lot of books. You must really like studying. Elijah: I’m here on scholarship. All the teachers work me extra hard, it’s terrific. [Pause, Harmony stands around not wanting to leave yet.] Harmony: [Looking at the books scattered on the floor.] It’s an interesting selection of books you have here. Are you working on Mr. Crankshaft’s creative writing assignment? Elijah: …ah huh, topic three. Harmony: What a coincidence! I’m doing topic three as well. I’ve finished mine, well almost. I have to go up and see Steven and get him to read over my draft. Elijah: You’re in my creative writing class? I’ve never really noticed you before. Harmony: I sit just two places down from you. I’m also in your literature class… and history. Actually I think I’m in all of your classes. Elijah: ah… yes I think I remember you from Mrs. Formaldehyde’s Romantic Music Composition. What was your name again? Harmony: Harmony… Harmony Stone. Elijah: Harmony… that’s an interesting name, where have I heard that before? Harmony: Well, I’m Ms. Bovine’s niece. I’m on the student council, I organise the university newsletter, I’m also in the choir and this year Auntie Clara wants me to be in Crankshaft’s show.

Elijah: Maybe with you in his shows they might not be too bad. Harmony: Oh I’m not too sure about that. Elijah: So, you’re Ms. Bovine’s niece? That must be a real pleasure. Harmony: It’s not as bad as you might think. She may seem a bit overbearing sometimes on the outside, but you know, she has… inner beauty. Elijah: Bovine? Inner beauty? Harmony: Yeah, anyway if you’re having trouble with your assignment, this book really helped me a lot. I was going to return it, but you might be able to find some… inspiration inside. You can give it back to me in class. Bye Elijah. [Harmony exits. Elijah gets up and looks through one of the bookshelves. Sadie rushes in, stops and looks around.] Sadie: Um, hello. Excuse me. I’m sorry, could you tell me where I am? I seem to have somehow taken a wrong turn. What is this place, A. block? Elijah: A. block? This is the library. [slowly turning and noticing Sadie] I’m still getting used to the new campus as well. [Awe stricken] Sadie Sunshine, hi! Sadie: Hi, do I know you? Elijah: I’m in your class for Shakespeare’s Theatre. Last week we did a scene from Romeo and Juliet, I was Romeo you were… amazing. Sadie: Oh, really? Well, thank you very much. I was, wasn’t I? I just love acting. Anyway, I was just on my way up to see Steven about my creative writing assignment and I must have somehow gotten lost along the way. This new campus is really big. Elijah: Oh, I’m in your creative writing class as well. I sit two seats down. I’m actually working on that assignment right now, well I should be at least. I’m just finishing off something for Mr. Formaldehyde first. You’ve never noticed me in class? Elijah. Sadie: I can’t say that I have. Elijah: Oh… Sadie: I was going to ask for an extension. Do you know where his new office is? Elijah: [overexcited] I can take you there if you want. Please let me take you! Sadie: [A little frightened] Um… no. You can just tell me. I’m pretty good with directions. Elijah: Ok… you just go out that door, turn left, up the stairs, then walk

18 down to the other end of the building, turn left, in through the door, go up two flights of stairs, walk down the long corridor, take a left, then a right then two more lefts and his office is the second door on your right. Did you get that? [Sadie seems unsure] Sadie: Ah… sure. Elijah: I hear he’s real tough on extensions; you have to be dying or at least really sick. Sadie: Well, I’m sure he’ll give it to me. I can be very… persuasive. Oh, by the way, what question are you doing your assignment on? Elijah: I’m doing topic three. Sadie: Oh wow, that is such a coincidence. I’ve been searching frantically everywhere for a book for topic three, but just can’t seem to find one anywhere. I would be forever grateful to anyone who could somehow help me out. Elijah: [Holding Harmony’s book] Um… Sadie: What about this one? [grabs the book] “Framing Harmony”, oh this is perfect! [Getting really close] Oh please can I borrow it… please. Elijah: Well… ah… um… Sadie: Oh thank you very, very much, you don’t know what this means to me. I won’t forget this… [tries to think of Elijah’s name] Elijah: Elijah. Sadie: Elijah. You won’t regret it. [Sadie kisses him on the cheek and exits, leaving him in a love induced daze. Enter Harmony] Harmony: Elijah, you wrote your name, but forgot to put your signature on the petition. Elijah? Elijah, are you alright? You look kind of… I don’t know. I’ve never seen you like this. Elijah? Elijah! Snap out of it! What’s the matter? [Harmony begins to shake Elijah and eventually he comes to his senses] Elijah: Harmony, you know that feeling you get, when you see someone and you’re just lost for words. Harmony: Oh yes, I know that feeling. Elijah: No, no, when you look into their eyes and marvel at their beauty. Harmony: Yes. Elijah: And you feel the luckiest person alive to be able to witness such

19 exquisite splendour. Harmony: Oh yes. Elijah: And all you can do is stare and hope that they may one day be yours. Harmony: Oh I know. Elijah: And your heart begins to pound every time they are near and you would do anything just to keep them by your side. Harmony: Yes, oh yes. Elijah: And you feel within you, deep inside your very being that somehow the two of you are meant to be together forever and that nothing in the world could ever tear you apart from each others arms. Harmony: Oh Elijah, I feel the same way. [Harmony moving closer, goes to kiss Elijah. Elijah, not noticing turns to the audience] Elijah: Yes Harmony, Sadie Sunshine is the girl for me. [Elijah sings love song, dancing with Harmony as if she were Sadie. Harmony greatly disheartened.] Harmony: Elijah, maybe you are getting a little ahead of yourself. Are you sure she feels the same way? Elijah: Well of course she does, she has to, although she did kind of not really remember me or my name. But she came up to me. I didn’t go up to her. Although it was just to ask for directions. But she kissed me! Although it was only on the cheek. Oh now I’m really confused. I need to go and find her right away. [Elijah picks up his books and goes to leave] Harmony: Wait! Did you have a look at that book I gave you? Elijah: Book? Harmony: Yes, the one I gave you just before. I left something in there… for you to find. Elijah: Oh… I gave it to Sadie. Harmony: To Sadie? Elijah: Yes, to Sadie. Harmony: The book? Elijah: Yes. Harmony: The book I gave you?

Elijah: Yes. Harmony: To Sadie Sunshine! Elijah: Yes… was that a bad thing? Harmony: Yes! Well, did you find anything in it before you gave it to Sadie? Elijah: I didn’t have time to look. Harmony, I’m really sorry. She really seemed to need it more than me. She must be a busy girl with all that acting and singing and dancing and stuff. I just wanted to help her out. Harmony: Oh this is a disaster! My assignment was in that book, you were supposed to find it and… Elijah: Don’t worry Harmony, I know where she went. I’ll find your book Harmony, you can count on me. [Elijah exits]

21 A Block – Crankshaft’s Office [Crankshaft sits at his desk flicking furiously through play-books and throwing them aside] Crankshaft: Terrible, just terrible. All these plays are pathetic. Chekhov, too depressing, Strindberg, too weird, Oscar Wilde, too… elaborate, Beckett, too absurd, Ibsen, too… political, Shakespeare, been done to death. I need something fresh, something new, something that will knock Bovines socks off [pauses to imagine Bovine without any socks]. I could write one myself! It could be about… Oh damn this writer’s block! [There is a knock at the door] Sadie: Steven, it’s me, Sadie Sunshine. Crankshaft: Good day Miss. Sunshine, did you have any trouble finding the new office? Sadie: Oh, of course not. Crankshaft: Good! To what do I owe this great pleasure? Sadie: No, the pleasure is all mine. Crankshaft: Now surely you can’t take all the pleasure. Now what is it my dear? Come in and take a seat. [Sadie makes her way through the clutter of books and sits on the desk rather than the chair that is piled with books] Sadie: What are all these books? Crankshaft: Rubbish, all rubbish. I’m looking for something special this year. I’ll show that Bovine a thing or two about theatre. She really is a piece of work that Clara. Have you come to help me pick one with a good female lead? Sadie: Well, actually I’ve come to talk about the assignment. Crankshaft: Ah, the dreaded Crankshaft assignment, right? Yes, I’ve had a few visits this morning about that. How can I help? Everything’s progressing smoothly I presume. That one’s due soon isn’t it? Sadie: That, my most wonderful and gracious teacher, is just what I’ve come to see you about. Crankshaft: Oh, you have, have you? Sadie: Yes, now I’m sure you’re aware of the stresses and strains on all the students here, always trying their hardest to fill their minds with knowledge. I myself have been really busy with… Have I mentioned that you are my favourite lecturer? Crankshaft: Miss. Sunshine, I can see you are a very talented actress, but I can see right through your little performance here today. Now I have

22 already turned away three students this morning asking for extensions on their assignments. Why should I make an exception in your case? Sadie: [Standing] How dare you presume I’m only here to ask for an extension. Crankshaft: Miss. Sunshine, how much of the assignment have you actually done? Sadie: I’ve been working night and day on that assignment. I even got a book from the library. Crankshaft: Oh really? A book. Sadie: Ah huh, a very good book Crankshaft: Really? Sadie: Yes, really. It’s called [has to take out book] “Framing Harmony”. Gee it’s big. [Sadie begins flicking through the pages, a few pieces of paper fall out and are picked up by Crankshaft.] Crankshaft: What’s this? Looks like an assignment, “Creative Writing Assignment, topic three”. Is this yours Miss Sunshine? Sadie: Um… yes of course it is. That’s why I came up here. I wanted you to read it over and tell me what you thought, and if there were any improvements I could make. Crankshaft: You know I don’t usually read over students drafts, much too busy, but I have a feeling about this one. Leave it with me Sunshine Sadie: Oh thank you so much Steven. Did I mention you are my absolute favourite lecturer? [Kisses him on the cheek, leaves the book on his desk and exits.] Crankshaft: [getting up] Miss. Sunshine wait! You forgot your… [Sadie exits. Crankshaft continues to read the assignment. Elijah runs in, tripping over a book. His glasses fall off and he searches blindly to find them, he reaches out and grabs Crankshaft’s leg] Elijah: My glasses! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. Sadie, is that you? Sadie I really need that book back. Sadie? Crankshaft: Mr. Wood! [Elijah jumps. Crankshaft hands Elijah his glasses.] Crankshaft: Are you looking for this? [hands him the book] Crankshaft: Mr. Wood. I may have just found, however unlikely it may sound, the inspiration I need for my next production. Sadie Sunshine just handed me the draft of her creative writing assignment. It’s a love story.

23 Elijah: A love story? Crankshaft: It’s brilliant, utterly brilliant. It’s so brilliant, I’m going to turn it into my next big hit musical! Elijah: [unsure] You’re going to turn an assignment into a… musical? Crankshaft: Absolutely my boy and your going write it for me. Elijah: I am? Crankshaft: You are? Excellent! You know, the girl who wrote this is quite obviously… in love with you. Elijah: She is? Crankshaft: She is! Absolutely, I can tell these kinds of things. You must read it; then you’ll know what I mean. [Hands the draft to Elijah] You know, I’ve seen the way you look at Miss. Sunshine in class. Now if you write this script, I’m sure she will be extremely impressed. You’ll make a big impression on that girl. Elijah: I will? Crankshaft: You will? Good, good! Thank you my boy! It has great potential, great potential. I can see it right now, jealousy, rage, mistaken identity, comedy, passion, love and a bit with a dog. This is going to be great, Bovine hates dogs. Elijah: This is amazing! I’ve never read something so beautifully written. I had no idea Sadie was such a talented writer. Crankshaft: Oh, it seems Sadie Sunshine is a girl of enormous talents [gestures Sadie’s talents]. We must start work immediately. How is your work load this semester? Elijah: Well… Crankshaft: I want you to put everything on hold, everything. Auditions are next week and we must have the script by then. Elijah: But I’ve never written a play before in my life. Crankshaft: Don’t worry my boy, there’s nothing to it. A few characters, a bit of dialogue, you’ll do fine. Elijah: But it’s such a lovely story… what if I ruin Sadie’s beautiful story. Crankshaft: Don’t worry my boy, just use your youthful imagination while you’ve still got it. I’m going to need you to start on this right away. Make it your top priority, top priority. [The two sing lively song, Elijah quite reluctant. End of Act 1]

24 Act 2. In the classroom. A few days later. [Harmony sits in classroom. Elijah walks past and notices Harmony.] Elijah: Harmony, hi! Oh, I found your book the other day. [gives her the book] Sadie left it in Steven Crankshaft’s office; she mustn’t have needed it after all. I told you, you could count on me. Harmony: Really, you found it? That’s fantastic Elijah, thanks! My assignment, so you read it? Elijah: Um… your assignment… Harmony: [Looking through the book] It’s not in here! Where is it? Oh, this is terrible. Elijah: I’m sure it will turn up somewhere. I can help you write another one if you want, although I really should be working on Steven’s script. It’s not going very well. Harmony: Script, what script? Elijah: Somehow he persuaded me into writing the script for his next show. It’s a love story. Harmony: A love story? Elijah: Yes, based on Sadie Sunshine’s creative writing assignment. Harmony: Sadie Sunshine’s creative writing assignment? Elijah: And that’s exactly beautifully written, assignment I fall in goes blank. Harmony… about her.

the problem. It’s such a wonderful story, so I’m afraid I’ll ruin it. Every time I read that love with the girl who wrote it and my mind just you’re a girl, how can I let her know how I feel

Harmony: Well, you could always write a love story about her, put it in a book and leave it for her to find. It works in the movies… or what about poetry, poetry’s nice. Elijah: Poetry? Harmony: Yes, you could recite a love poem for her, a sonnet. Elijah: A sonnet, I could never write a love sonnet. I’m terrible at iambic pentameter. Harmony: Don’t worry, our good friend Will Shakespeare wrote hundreds of them. I’m sure he won’t mind if you borrow one. Elijah: Of course! Harmony, you are a genius.

Harmony: No, I’m just a girl. So, have you read the readings for this week? Elijah: The readings that Mr. Formaldehyde assigned us? Harmony: Yeah. Elijah: We were supposed to read those? Harmony: I think so. [Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde enter] Mr. & Mrs. Formaldehyde: [together] Good morning students! [Continued chatter from the students] Mr. Formaldehyde: Ok… Mrs. Formaldehyde: Enthusiastic group we have here. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes, very enthusiastic indeed. Now who has read the readings for this week? [Mrs. Formaldehyde raises her hand] Those readings have sure been helpful this semester. I’m glad I spent all that time putting them together. Mrs. Formaldehyde: They were very good darling. At least I enjoyed reading them. Mr. Formaldehyde: Well students, it doesn’t matter anyway because in a few weeks we’re going to give you all a practice test and there’s a good chance that most of those questions will be on the final examination as well. Mrs. Formaldehyde: I just love practice tests! Don’t you Mr. Formaldehyde? Mr. Formaldehyde: Why yes I do! Anyway, today the dog ate our lesson plan, so we’re just going to put on a film for you to watch. Mrs. Formaldehyde: That should keep them busy for a short while. A very short while. [Mrs. Formaldehyde brings out an old reel-to-reel projector and sets it up. They exit. Curtain closes and they reappear, walking in front of curtain.] Mr. Formaldehyde: It’s amazing the attention spans of children these days. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, I think they’re getting worst each year. Mr. Formaldehyde: At this rate, I calculate in thirty years, the average student will have an attention span of three seconds.

26 Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh I pity the teachers of tomorrow. Mr. Formaldehyde: I know, how on earth will they cope? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Perhaps they’ll all go mad. Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh yes! Perhaps you’re right darling, perhaps you’re right. [Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde run into Crankshaft about to light up a cigarette] Crankshaft: Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde, I didn’t see you there. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Is that a cigarette in your hand Mr. Crankshaft? Crankshaft: No. [tries to hide it] Mrs. Formaldehyde: Yes it is, right there. Crankshaft: Oh what, this? It’s a prop. Mr. Formaldehyde: No it isn’t. In all my years here, I’ve never known you to smoke. Crankshaft: Well, I’m just… holding it for someone. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Who? Crankshaft: Um… No, I caught one of the students smoking it behind the library and I confiscated it from them. Nasty habit it is. Mr. Formaldehyde: It’s not even lit though! That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. Crankshaft: [quickly] No it isn’t. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes it is. Crankshaft: No it isn’t. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes it is! [pause] Crankshaft: No it isn’t… Mrs. Formaldehyde: [stopping the argument] Mr. Crankshaft, why don’t you tell us what’s really on your mind. Crankshaft: Oh I don’t know. It’s kind of complicated [throws down the cigarette]. Mr. Formaldehyde: Are you worried about the show? Auditions are tomorrow aren’t they? Crankshaft: Yes they are.

27 Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh really? [To Mr. Formaldehyde] Can we audition, can we darling, can we? Mr. Formaldehyde: [Unsure] Well, I not certain that’s such a good idea honey… we’ll see. Crankshaft: Well, usually the show is just for students, but I can’t see why some teachers can’t get involved. Of course you can come along and audition. Mrs. Formaldehyde: [very excited] Oh that sounds wonderful my dear, let’s do that. Mr. Formaldehyde: [very unsure] Well… we’ll see. Crankshaft: Well I hope to see you there. I’m not too worried about the show. I’m sure Mr. Wood will do a fine job with the script. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Well is it something else then? Mr. Formaldehyde: Or is it someone else? Crankshaft: Someone else? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Yes, someone else? Mr. Formaldehyde: [inquisitive] Perhaps you are thinking of Ms. Bovine. Crankshaft: [unsure] Of course not… Why on earth would I be thinking about her? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Perhaps you’re worried that Ms. Bovine might not approve of the show. Crankshaft: Are you kidding? Of course she won’t approve of it. She won’t even remotely like it, much less approve of it. She hasn’t liked any of my shows for years! Oh, I wonder if it’s just me. Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, you’d be surprised actually. Isn’t that right dear? [winking] Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh… yes that’s right. Crankshaft: What on earth are you talking about? Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, we just happened to be talking with her the other day. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Actually she did most of the talking come to think of it, you know how she is. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes… Well anyway, she just happened to mention how hard it was for her… Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh… yes, how hard it was for her to… Crankshaft: How hard it was for her to what?

Mr. Formaldehyde: How hard it was to conceal her love for you of course. You must have noticed it. Crankshaft: [shocked] What? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, she’s crazy about you, you didn’t know? She just doesn’t know how to express her feelings. Crankshaft: [still in shock] Her feelings, her feelings? Oh… Well… of course I knew. It’s obvious really when you look at it. She loves me… she loves me. Oh my. [Crankshaft exits in a daze. Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde sing their song and afterwards they chuckle a bit] [Bovine enters] Bovine: Was that Steven Crankshaft, he didn’t seem himself. I waved to him, but he just kept on walking. He is a strange one indeed. [Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde begin to chuckle to themselves] Bovine: Kindly inform me of just what you two find so amusing. Mr. Formaldehyde: Well I can’t really blame him for acting strange around you Ms. Bovine, isn’t that right dear? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, you’re absolutely right my darling, can’t blame him at all. Mr. Formaldehyde: Not after what he just confessed to us. Bovine: What he confessed to you? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Yes, what he confessed to us. Bovine: What on earth are you two talking about? Mr. Formaldehyde: I think he was very relieved to finally get it off his chest, don’t you think? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh yes, very relieved. Bovine: Get what off his chest? Mr. Formaldehyde: Well… he was just through telling us how hard it was… Mrs. Formaldehyde: Yes… how dreadfully hard it was for him to… Bovine: How hard it was for him to what? Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, to hide his feelings for you. Bovine: His feelings? Are you two going to start making some sense any time soon? What exactly does Mr. Crankshaft have to conceal from me?

Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh, his love for you of course. Mr. Formaldehyde: That’s right, he’s obsessed with you, has been for years. You didn’t know? [Bovine begins to laugh] Bovine: That is preposterous. Do you mean to tell me that Steven Crankshaft, of all people, has been harbouring a secret passion for me for years? [laughs louder] Oh my. [Bovine’s exits]

30 In the Drama Studio. [Sadie is reciting some Shakespeare very melodramatically then sings out of tune. Elijah enters with book of sonnets and listens. When she is done, Elijah applauds energetically.] Elijah: Oh Sadie, that was wonderful. You really are very talented. Are you practicing for the auditions tomorrow? Sadie: Ah huh, how was I? Elijah: Fantastic, you’ll get a part without a doubt. Sadie: Oh thanks! I never doubted it for a second. Steven told me you are writing the script, how’s it going? Elijah: Oh fantastic! Good, really good… I mean, it’s going alright… not bad… actually, it’s not going very well at all. I haven’t written a word! Sadie: But the auditions are tomorrow! Elijah: I know the auditions are tomorrow! From the moment I first read your assignment I didn’t know how I was ever going to be able to adapt it for the stage, but Steven was so convinced that it could be done… It was such a beautiful piece, so beautifully written… Sadie: Well thank you… it just came out. Elijah: And I didn’t want to ruin it by turning it into one of those silly musical comedies with mistaken identities, seeing the truth in the end or with people realising their hidden feelings for one another. I wanted to keep the essence of your amazing work, but every time I read that assignment my mind just goes blank and I can’t write anything, I just lose all concentration and I can’t think of anything but… you… Um, what I mean is, I thought maybe you could… help me out, you being such a talented writer and all. Sadie: Oh… well I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help. I’m not really… Elijah, I think I’ve got something I need to tell you… Elijah: Sadie, I know what you’re going to say… Sadie: Somehow I doubt that. Elijah: And I want to be the first to say it. I’ve been practicing this sonnet all day… [goes to recite the poem] [Elijah is stopped by Crankshaft, who enters very cheerful and radiant, with flowers in his hair. He dances and prances around the stage. Sadie and Elijah watch with curiosity.] Sadie: Steven, are you alright? Crankshaft: Oh isn’t love marvellous, the most wonderful thing in the world? She loves me, she loves me, she loves me!

31 [Crankshaft spins off stage.] Elijah: I’d better go see if he’s alright. [Elijah exits after Crankshaft. Curtains close.]

32 Outside. [In front of the curtain, Crankshaft dances across the stage and exits] [Elijah enters after Crankshaft and Harmony enters from the other side. They run into each other, both drop their books. Elijah picks them up.] Elijah: Harmony, I’m so sorry. Harmony: Was that Steven Crankshaft? He looked… different. Elijah: I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve never seen him like this. He keeps screaming something about love. Maybe he’s gone crazy in his old age. Harmony: Steven’s not that old is he? He doesn’t look that old. Elijah: Oh he’s pretty old, forty at least. Harmony: Oh, that’s old. How’s the script going, did you talk to Sadie? Elijah: I don’t want to talk about it. Harmony: Maybe I can help. Elijah: Oh Harmony, the script is going terrible, I can’t write a word because I’m too hung up on Sadie Sunshine, who doesn’t know how I feel about her because I’m too nervous talk to her about it. Meanwhile auditions are tomorrow and I’ve got nothing to give to Steven, who’s now running around like a teenager in love and expecting me to have the script finished by tomorrow. Not to mention this creative writing assignment, which I’ve barely even looked at. I don’t know how I got myself in to this mess. Harmony: Oh it’s not your fault Elijah… How come Steven doesn’t write his own plays? Elijah: Well he used to write all his own plays, but a little while ago he got writers block and hasn’t written a word since. Harmony: He’s got writers block? Elijah: Yeah, since ’63. Harmony: For six years? Elijah: Yeah, and I think I’m beginning to know why. Harmony: Oh Elijah, don’t get downhearted. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Elijah: Thanks Harmony, you’re a real nice girl you know. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Harmony: That’s so sweet. [Getting very close] Elijah, I’ve never seen you without your glasses? May I? [taking off Elijah’s glasses] I have something I need to tell you. I have to be true to myself, so I’m just

33 going to come right out and say it… I… Elijah: [interrupting] That’s it Harmony! That’s what I’ve got to do. I have to just come right out and say it. I’m just going to go right up to Sadie and just tell her straight out how I feel about her, for better or for worse. Thanks Harmony, you’re a real friend, you know that? Harmony: I know. [Harmony sings love song to Elijah. Elijah doesn’t see the message within.] Elijah: Wow, you have a terrific voice Harmony, are you going to audition tomorrow? Harmony: Auntie Clara thinks I should, but I don’t know if I could go up on stage and sing in front of all those people. You really liked the song? Elijah: [oblivious] Oh yeah, it was great! Please come to the auditions. Harmony: Well, I’ll think about it. Elijah: Harmony… what was it you had to tell me? Harmony: Oh, um… never mind, it’s not important. Elijah: Oh… are you sure? Harmony: Yeah… don’t worry Elijah… it’s fine, I understand. Elijah: Ok… Oh, did you end up finding your assignment? Harmony: No… I wrote a new one. It’s not a love story this time. Good luck Elijah. Elijah: Thanks harmony. [Elijah exits] Harmony: [realises she still has Elijah’s glasses] Elijah. Elijah! You forgot your… [Harmony put the glasses in her pocket and ponders for a moment, then exits.]

34 In the Drama Studio. [Harmony peeks around the corner to check that the room is empty. She then begins secretly practicing for her audition. Elijah stumbles on without his glasses] Elijah: Hello? [Harmony jumps] Harmony: Ah… Elijah: [talking to a hat stand] Good, You’re still here. Harmony: Still? Elijah: Oh, You sound even better than before. Harmony: Before? Elijah: I seem to have lost my glasses somewhere, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve got something I need to tell you, it can’t wait and longer… Harmony: Elijah I… [Harmony is silenced by Elijah] Elijah: Shhh… I have to do this now, leave my inhibitions behind me. [Elijah recites his

sonnet]

You know that feeling you get, when you see someone and you’re just lost for words. Harmony: Yes. Elijah: And your heart begins to pound every time they are near. Harmony: Yes. Elijah: And you would do anything just to keep them by your side. Harmony: Oh yes. Elijah: I marvel at the beauty of your eyes… [gazes upon the hat stand] and feel the luckiest person alive to witness such exquisite splendour. I love you, I love you with all my heart. Harmony: Oh Elijah, I feel the same way! [Harmony embraces Elijah.] Oh, here are you glasses. [Harmony hands Elijah his glasses. He puts them on and realises it is Harmony.]

Elijah: Harmony! Harmony? What are you doing here? Harmony: What do you mean my darling? I’m practicing for the auditions tomorrow. You gave me the inspiration I needed. [Harmony sings song and dances with Elijah, who is quite confused] Thank you, Oh thank you so very much. [Harmony exits.] Elijah: You’re… welcome. [Lights fade.]

36 Auditions The Next Day. [Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde enter and look around] Mr. Formaldehyde: Where is everybody, hello? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh dear, we must be early. Mr. Formaldehyde: Yes, it looks like that is the case, or maybe they cancelled it. Yes, that’s most likely what they’ve done, they’ve cancelled it let’s go darling. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh, but I was so looking forward to auditioning. Mr. Formaldehyde: [pushing Mrs. Formaldehyde to leave] Oh yes, me too darling, me too. [Crankshaft enters with scripts.] Crankshaft: Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde you made it, marvellous, just marvellous. I’ve just written in a great part for you two. Here are your scripts. [Hands them scripts] Mr. Formaldehyde: I’m sorry, did you say you wrote this? Crankshaft: I certainly did. Mrs. Formaldehyde: But Mr. Crankshaft, what about your writers block? Crankshaft: My writers block, my writers block! It’s incredible, after our little chat yesterday I found a new enthusiasm for writing that I haven’t felt in years. I have no idea what it was, but I haven’t felt this much energy, this much vigour, this much get-up-and-go since my early days here at the university and my pen has been going non-stop all night. I feel like I’m back in my prime, ready to get the show on the road. Mr. Formaldehyde: Really? This new found enthusiasm wouldn’t have anything to do with Ms. Clara Bovine now would it? Crankshaft: Clara Bovine… don’t be ridiculous. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Mr. Crankshaft, you don’t have to hide it any more. Crankshaft: Hide what? Mr. Formaldehyde: Oh dear, do we really have to spell it out for you? Crankshaft: Spell what out? Mrs. Formaldehyde: Oh dear, we do, don’t we. Mr. Formaldehyde: Steven Crankshaft, it is plainly clear that you are in love with Ms. Bovine.

Crankshaft: I am? Mrs. Formaldehyde: It’s plainly clear! Crankshaft: To whom? Mr. Formaldehyde: To everybody! Crankshaft: To everybody? Mrs. Formaldehyde: To everybody! Mr. Formaldehyde: You have been hiding your love away for six years. That being the main cause of your lengthy period of writers block. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. Mrs. Formaldehyde: Even I worked that one out. Crankshaft: Oh my, does Ms. Bovine know? Mr. Formaldehyde: I think she may have… worked it out by now. [Harmony and Elijah enter.] Crankshaft: Harmony, Elijah good to see you! Elijah: Um… I’m afraid I have some bad news about the script… Crankshaft: There’s no time for bad news my boy, besides the script is right here [hands them the scripts]. I wrote it all last night. It was like all those years I’d spent not writing just came out in one giant spurt. This is indeed my best work yet, “Framing Harmony”. Harmony: Framing Harmony! Mr. & Mrs. Formaldehyde: Framing Harmony? Harmony: So you did have my assignment after all. Crankshaft: Your assignment? Elijah: Your assignment? Harmony: Yes, my assignment. Crankshaft: This script, Miss. Harmony Stone, is based solely on the work of Sadie Sunshine. [Sadie enters] Oh, here she is now, right on time. [To Harmony] You handed your assignment in this morning remember. What a dreary piece of work that was. Sadie’s assignment was beautiful. I found no faults at all in her rough draft when she handed it to me the other day, an immediate high distinction.

Sadie: Oh thank you Steven. Crankshaft: I then gave it to Elijah so that he could adapt it for the stage. Elijah, do you still have your copy? Elijah: I think so. [Searches and produces the papers] Harmony: Elijah, you had my assignment all along? How could you? Elijah: You mean it was you who wrote this? I thought it was Sadie’s. Crankshaft: Harmony, Harmony, I can see what you’re trying to do; it’s very clever, but you simply cannot go around claiming other peoples work just to impress the boys. Sadie is an excellent student with great attributes… I mean potential in her writing. Harmony: Her attributes aren’t real, they’re fake, aren’t they Sadie. Sadie: I don’t know what you’re talking about Harmony. Harmony: You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re all show, even your attributes and the same goes for your potential. Tell Steven the truth… did you write that story? Crankshaft: She doesn’t have to say a word. I know she wrote it! [Bovine enters] Bovine: What is going on here? Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, it’s rather complicated, but from what I can gather, your lovely niece Harmony here, is trying to claim Sadie’s story as her own… imagine that! Mrs. Formaldehyde: [Confusingly] Yes, but Harmony says that she wrote it in the first place and Sadie stole it from her and it is she that is passing it off as her own assignment… do you see? Bovine: Harmony, what is the meaning of this? Harmony: Oh Auntie Clara you have to believe me. The story was mine, it was a love story. I put it in a book for Elijah to find, but before he could, Sadie had used her charms to persuade the book from Elijah. She must have found my assignment in there and passed it off as her own. Bovine: Is this true Sadie? [goes to answer, but is cut off by Crankshaft] Crankshaft: Of course it isn’t true Ms. Bovine. Of course it isn’t! Bovie: I sincerely hope you are not insinuating what I think you are Mr. Crankshaft about my niece, my favourite niece. Mr. Formaldehyde: Well, this is quite a dilemma. Mrs. Formaldehyde: A conundrum.

Mr. Formaldehyde: A predicament. Mrs. Formaldehyde: A puzzle… Bovine: [Interrupting] Which can only be answered by one person. [All turn to face Elijah who is holding the assignment.] Elijah: Who… me? All: Yes, you! Elijah: What? How can I answer it? Bovine: Did Harmony tell you that she had been working on her story for creative writing? Elijah: Um… yes. She said it was a love story. Bovine: And is the story in question a love story? Elijah: Yes… it is. Bovine: So Mr. Wood, I ask you to look deep into your heart. Who do you really believe that story was written by and for whom was it written? Sadie: Elijah, don’t answer that. Please… for me. Elijah: I’m sorry Sadie. I think I wanted it so much to be you that I just blindly believed it. I can see now that it was Harmony and could only have been Harmony who could have written such a beautiful story. I was blind to the fact that you were just using your looks and Harmony’s story to get what you wanted. I think I knew from the start… I just couldn’t bring myself to see the truth. Harmony: Oh Elijah, thank you so much. [runs over to Elijah and throws her arms around him.] Elijah: Harmony, it was you all along, the girl who wrote the story who really caught my heart. Sadie’s looks were only a distraction from seeing your true beauty. You are a beautiful writer. [Harmony and Elijah sing] Mrs. Formaldehyde: Aw… I love happy endings. Mr. Formaldehyde: That’s the one thing I like about this new generation; their ability to figure out when they are in love and act on it accordingly. Mrs. Formaldehyde: So… [looking pointedly at Bovine and Crankshaft] can’t you learn from young love and do accordingly? Bovine: [scoffing] What do you mean? Him… and me? You’ve got to be joking. Crankshaft: Are you saying you don’t love me?

40 Bovine: Well, no, no more than reason. Crankshaft: Just yesterday Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde swore you did. Bovine: Did they? [Inquisitively] You don’t love me… do you? Crankshaft: Of course not… no more than reason. Bovine: But just yesterday Mr. and Mrs. Formaldehyde swore you did. Crankshaft: Well, they said you were crazy about me. Bovine: They told me you have been harbouring a secret passion for me for years. Crankshaft: Nonsense, absolute nonsense…

Then you don’t love me?

Mr. Formaldehyde: Come now Ms. Bovine, there’s no use hiding it now. It is plainly clear that you are in love with this man. Mrs. Formaldehyde: And it is painfully clear that this man is in love with you. Bovine: In any case Mr. Crankshaft I can clearly see what a good service this misinformation of my love has done for your writing. And if it is only so that we may once again witness the brilliance and spectacle of your past performances, then I am willing to abide your love, though it would be most certainly out of pity. Crankshaft: Out of pity? If it were any other day Ms. Bovine, I might have accepted your proposal, as patronising as it sounds, but the auditions are about to begin. My newest play is already written and it seems I will have no need for your… abiding love until some time next year. [Bovine and Crankshaft turn and begin to exit, but Mr. & Mrs. Formaldehyde stop them with a song. Bovine and Crankshaft turn and take each other’s hand.] Mrs. Formaldehyde: What we have finally joined together… Mr. Formaldehyde: Let no one put asunder. [Final song then curtain.]