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cpstaff We made this

Publisher Nancy Stuski Editor in Chief Lillian Swanson Senior Editor Patrick Rapa Arts & Culture Editor Mikala Jamison Digital Media Editor/Movies Editor Paulina Reso Food Editor Caroline Russock Senior Staff Writers Daniel Denvir, Emily Guendelsberger Staff Writer Ryan Briggs Copy Chief Carolyn Wyman Associate Web and Events Producer Carly Szkaradnik Contributors Sam Adams, Dotun Akintoye, A.D. Amorosi, Rodney Anonymous, Mary Armstrong, Meg Augustin, Bryan Bierman, Shaun Brady, Peter Burwasser, Mark Cofta, Alison Dell, Adam Erace, David Anthony Fox, Caitlin Goodman, K. Ross Hoffman, Deni Kasrel, Alli Katz, Gary M. Kramer, Drew Lazor, Gair “Dev 79” Marking, Robert McCormick, Andrew Milner, Annette Monnier, John Morrison, Michael Pelusi, Sameer Rao, Elliott Sharp, Marc Snitzer, Tom Tomorrow, John Vettese, Nikki Volpicelli, Brian Wilensky Editorial Interns Larry Miller, Maggie Grabmeier, Edward Newton, Robert Skvarla, Saffa Khan, Thomas O’Malley Production Director Michael Polimeno Editorial Art Director Allie Rossignol Advertising Art Director Evan M. Lopez Editorial Designers Brenna Adams, Jenni Betz Staff Photographer Neal Santos Contributing Photographers Jessica Kourkounis, Mark Stehle Contributing Illustrators Ryan Casey, Don Haring Jr., Joel Kimmel, Cameron K. Lewis, Thomas Pitilli, Matthew Smith Human Resources Ron Scully (ext. 210) Circulation Director Mark Burkert (ext. 239) Sales & Marketing Manager Katherine Siravo (ext. 251) Account Managers Colette Alexandre (ext. 250), Nick Cavanaugh (ext. 260), Amanda Gambier (ext. 228), Sharon MacWilliams (ext. 262), Megan Musser (ext. 215), Stephan Sitzai (ext. 258) Office Coordinator/Adult Advertising Sales Alexis Pierce (ext. 234) Founder & Editor Emeritus Bruce Schimmel

citypaper.net 30 South 15th Street, Fourteenth Floor, Phila., PA 19102. 215-735-8444, Tip Line 215-735-8444 ext. 241, Listings Fax 215-875-1800, Advertising Fax 215-735-8535, Subscriptions 215-735-8444 ext. 235 The printing of City Paper was provided by Calkins Media (215-949-4224). Philadelphia City Paper is published and distributed every Thursday in Philadelphia, Montgomery, Chester, Bucks & Delaware Counties, in South Jersey and in Northern Delaware. Philadelphia City Paper is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. Additional copies may be purchased from our main office at $1 per copy. No person may, without prior written permission from Philadelphia City Paper, take more than one copy of each issue. Pennsylvania law prohibits any person from inserting printed material of any kind into any newspaper without the consent of the owner or publisher. Contents copyright © 2014, Philadelphia City Paper. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Philadelphia City Paper assumes no obligation (other than cancellation of charges for actual space occupied) for accidental errors in advertising, but will be glad to furnish a signed letter to the buying public.

contents Cover story, see p. 13

Naked City ...................................................................................6 A&E ...............................................................................................20 Movies.........................................................................................24 Events..........................................................................................26 Food ..............................................................................................31 COVER PHOTOGRAPH BY NEAL SANTOS DESIGN BY ALLIE ROSSIGNOL

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naked

the

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thebellcurve CP’s Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ - 3]

If the Comcast merger with Time Warner goes through, the company will become the most popular Internet provider in 27 states. And, because the word popular is meaningless, Comcast will also be the least popular. And, because they pretty much have a monopoly, popularity does not affect their business plan one way or another.

[ + 1]

According to a new poll, 85 percent of Pennsylvanians think medical marijuana should be legal. The remaining 15 percent are the state legislature.

-

[ 2]

Six men are arrested in a prostitution sting in King of Prussia. The men say they’re hoping to get off with a warning and/or a stranger.

[ - 1]

The accused “Swiss cheese masturbator” turns himself in to face additional charges. Still, he says he’s hoping to get off with a warning and/or a Reuben.

[ + 2]

[ + 1]

[ + 1]

[ + 1]

The Streets Department tweets that a Center City Wendy’s was fined $100 for shoveling snow into the street. Sounds like someone at the Streets Department was feeling a little *Frosty* this week! :-) lol <3 UPenn announces plans for a “Pennovation Center” along the Schuylkill with labs and flex-use buildings. Totally one-upping the Center for the Advancement of Drexual Healing. A beer garden will open adjacent to Independence Mall on July 4. Oh good, because we were wondering exactly when and where our next big national embarrassment would take place. The Huffington Post publishes a piece titled “31 Reasons Philadelphia Is the Most Underrated City in America.” But you know what, you guys? Right now we’re feeling like our schools suck, our streets are a frozen turdscape and ever since Questlove left, our most famous citizen is a guy who uses cheese to jerk off. Maybe we’re rated pretty much on-target.

This week’s total: 0 | Last week’s total: +3 6 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

SQUAT PLOT: The two oddly positioned figures in the famous King of Jeans sign have a limited amount of time left at Passyunk and 13th, where they’ve made out awkwardly since 1994. But will they end up in a museum, or in the trash? NEAL SANTOS

[ landmarks ]

LONG LIVE THE KING OF JEANS What will become of Passyunk Avenue’s most garish landmark? By Emily Guendelsberger always kind of wanted to live in a dream world where Duran Duran artwork comes to life, and the King of Jeans sign offers kind of a localized version of that fantasy,” says Matt Korvette, frontman of the band Pissed Jeans, which titled its 2009 album King of Jeans. The idea of a King of Jeans, says Korvette, “seemed both classy and boastful, and it fit the mood of the record.” Some of the band’s members lived in South Philly near the iconic, Nagel-esque sign at Passyunk Avenue and 13th Street at the time, and Korvette remembers finding the sign “outrageously garish and hilarious, and also sexy?” the first time he saw it. “I knew instantly I would have zero interest in shopping in that store, but that I wanted it to remain in business forever.” King of Jeans closed in 2012 after almost 40 years in business, though; last Wednesday, the Zoning Board of Adjustment granted the current owner of the building, Andy Kaplan of Rockland Capital, permission to go forward with his plans to develop the site into a five-story, retail-and-office space with 12 apartments on the top three floors. Since the inhabitants of those apartments will

I

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probably want windows unobstructed by an enormous squatting woman in hot pants, the question is this: What will happen to the King of Jeans sign, indisputably a South Philly landmark? “Some people loved it, some people hated it, but it became part of the neighborhood,” says Izak Farbiarz, who owned King of Jeans, a family business, from the late ’70s until it closed. The sign went up in 1994, and has been the subject of many strong opinions ever since. “Most of the people really did like it,” he adds. In addition to being a “Take a left at the King of Jeans” neighborhood landmark, over the past 20 years, the sign even became a tour-bus attraction. “People would get out of the bus and take pictures of my sign,” says Farbiarz, still sounding a bit mystified. The sign now on Passyunk isn’t the original, which had to be replaced due to weathering, but Farbiarz says it’s a near-exact replica — “Well, the eyebrows are backwards, but everything’s the same, yeah.” He considered a new design when he had to replace it, but says he was told to keep it as it was. “I was going to try to change it to make it more like a Calvin Klein black-and-white type sign, and the city wouldn’t allow me to do it. … They said, ‘We didn’t approve the first sign; we’re afraid for you to do something different.’ They were kind of scared because they thought it was too sexual, which it really wasn’t. So I figured I’d leave it the way it is, who cares?”

“[The city] thought it was too sexual.”

>>> continued on page 8


[ is talking about the gas company ] [ a million stories ]

✚ TOXIC ASSETS Claudia Sherrod, head of the South Philadelphia H.O.M.E.S., Inc. civic group, is fighting a legal battle with an erstwhile business partner who she claims screwed her over in a real-estate transaction involving three trash-filled lots. The parcels are part of a massive and illegal garbage dump located adjacent to homes in Point Breeze. Last September, Sherrod told City Paper that she was powerless to stop the dumping on six vacant lots that she and several other individuals owned on the 1100 block of South 24th Street. Strangely, city police and the Department of Licenses & Inspections say neither Sherrod, nor any of the other lot owners, ever filed a formal complaint with them. Sherrod had bought one lot from the Philadelphia Housing Development Corporation for $30,000 in 2006, presumably for redevelopment purposes. At some point over the last seven years, local contractor Donald Plummer illegally erected a chain-link fence and began piling his construction debris on all six vacant lots at the site. Several sources have claimed that Plummer once worked for Sherrod, something the civic leader vigorously denies. Vitaliy Polyachenko, a developer who recently purchased one of the trashfilled lots, told City Paper that he assumed Sherrod and Plummer had worked out some kind of arrangement to dump the trash. The story was picked up by NBC 10 last year, and in a televised interview Sherrod portrayed herself as a victim, asserting that she didn’t have the know-how to stop the contractor. Her lawyer, Miles Dumack, says his client is simply “wary of litigation.” In October, Sherrod’s lot and two adjacent parcels were bundled

and sold to Polyachenko, garbage and all, for $120,000, according to city records. The other two properties had been owned by a man who died in 1987 and were willed to an elderly friend of Sherrod’s. That woman passed away recently without leaving a will, but her grandson, Kevin Mabine, asserts that he was the rightful owner of the lots. According to Dumack, Mabine cut a deal with Sherrod to sell all three properties as a package to Polyachenko. Although it was unclear how the $120,000 was divvied up, Dumack suggests that the “litigation-wary” Sherrod got burned in the deal. He has since filed a legal claim on Sherrod’s behalf that says Mabine owes her an additional $30,000 to make up for taxes she apparently paid on Mabine’s lots over the years. Sherrod did not respond to repeated requests for comment. Virtually everyone involved has pleaded ignorance as to how this enormous blight on the neighborhood could exist in the first place. A spokesperson for L&I says the department is now pursuing legal action against Plummer and at least one of the two remaining property owners, Michael Mazzola, who owns a nearby granite company. But that effort will take time. Meanwhile, the dump is bigger than ever, according to neighbor Erika Rose, who initially complained about the mess to City Paper last year. She says she had assurances from Councilman Kenyatta Johnson that the garbage would be removed, but nothing has changed, despite the media attention. “There has been activity [dumping] in there daily [since the first] story was printed and every day since,” she said. —Ryan Briggs

Everyone has pleaded ignorance.

photostream ➤ submit to photostream@citypaper.net

BEADS AND ALL: Philly gets a jump on Mardi Gras by celebrating Fat Tuesday early — on Feb. 23. That’s when The Wild Bohemians, a New Orleans-style band, played at bars and marched along South Street in the 30th annual Mardi Gras Parade. Here, Peter Jensen entertains at Downey’s Pub. MICHELE FRENTROP

hostilewitness By Daniel Denvir

DOES THE GAS DEAL WORK? ➤ MAYOR MICHAEL NUTTER has announced

a proposed agreement to privatize Philadelphia Gas Works. The deal, which would sell PGW to Connecticut-based UIL Holdings Corp. for $1.86 billion, is enormous.And it is the most important local issue that you haven’t thought about at all. The largest benefit is clear: It would inject an estimated $424 million into the city’s underfunded pensions. But the deal also presents potential drawbacks and poses many unanswered questions. Utility Workers Union of America Local 686, consumer advocates and City Controller Alan Butkovitz have already criticized the sale. A skeptical City Council — which, along with the Pennsylvania Public Utility Commission, must give its approval for the deal to go through — has retained consultants to analyze the sale, and whether PGW could expand and improve as a city-owned utility. So if you are a PGW ratepayer and a Philadelphia taxpayer — that’s most of you — follow closely. 1) Will it get more expensive to heat your home? In a news conference Monday at City Hall, UIL CEO James Torgerson said his company had agreed to a three-year freeze in the base rate paid by PGW customers (expiring Jan. 1, 2018). What Torgerson didn’t emphasize is that the rate paid by consumers is made up of other factors on top of that base rate. In addition, the agreement includes numerous exceptions, including that UIL “may file to recover additional costs resulting from new taxes.” PGW currently pays almost no taxes. But a privatized company will pay federal and state income taxes, and city taxes. The agreement appears to reserve UIL’s right to file for a rate increase to cover these taxes effective before the three-year “freeze” is over. “It does allow it, but what it doesn’t do is guarantee it,” says UIL spokesperson Michael West. “We would not file a request for rate increase purely because of taxes.” But in a Monday morning conference call with investors, Torgerson played down the rate freeze. Torgerson also said that UIL plans to embark on an aggressive plan to replace PGW’s 1,500 miles of aging cast-iron pipe at a rate faster than PGW’s current program. Replacing pipe is expensive, and those costs will be passed on to ratepayers — while >>> continued on page 10

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✚ Long Live the King of Jeans

[ the naked city ]

<<< continued from page 6

The sign and location of King of Jeans might lead one to assume that it was an old-school Italian-American business. That was the target clientele, but King of Jeans’ owners actually reflected the early diversification of South Philadelphia in the ’70s — Farbiarz is the son of Jewish immigrants from Poland, and his then-wife and co-owner was the daughter of Vietnamese refugees who moved to South Philadelphia two decades after the Farbiarzes. (The man in the sign has a heart tattoo that reads “Jade,” the name of their daughter.) Farbiarz says he’s taken a lot of flak for the sign over the years, particularly from people who find the woman’s squatting posture demeaning. “One time, a lady came into my store —she’s like, ‘I hate your sign, I’ll never shop in this store.’ And then she’s buying something! I’m like, ‘So why are you here?’ She’s like, ‘Well, you’ve got the best prices.’ Exactly! Even bad publicity’s good publicity.” The odd positioning of the two figures wasn’t the result of misogyny, insists Farbiarz. It was because he wanted to fit both a male and female figure into the sign — “I was probably the first jeans store in Philadelphia to carry men’s and women’s”— but had to fit them both into the awkward horizontal space on the front of his building. Farbiarz’s initial idea was “two people standing and hugging. … I had a bag from Italy with a picture of a guy and a girl standing, holding each other; that was the idea, from my bag.” He showed the bag to Angel of Angel’s Airbrush, still located right across Passyunk from King of Jeans. (She also did, among many other things, the façade at Lorenzo’s.) Farbiarz remembers Angel told him, “ ‘It’s not going to work. It’ll work better this way.’” Since Farbiarz wanted to keep the figures as large as he’d envisioned them, both would need to be contorted to be only about half their height, like giants crammed into a normalsized room. Angel came up with the idea of one bending down to kiss the other, and Farbiarz says he liked Angel’s sketch better than his original idea. “It was more romantic!” he laughs. Kaplan says that, having just gotten the goahead last week, he doesn’t have a schedule for construction yet. He is well aware, though, that people are very invested in the two figures on the front of the building. “There is a lot of interest in the sign; we are trying to figure out the most altruistic route.” Kaplan says that they’re “exploring options,” but couldn’t go into detail. Farbiarz says he’s out of the loop now, but remembers some options being thrown around in 2012 when he initially sold the building. “The person I sold to originally was going to use it in the construction of the [new] building. But he resold it to somebody else” — that being Kaplan — “so now my hands are out of it,” says Farbiarz. Also, he says, “there’s something called the Philadelphia 8 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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Museum, they were interested in it at one time. ... Call the museum, see if they can get it from the new owner!” We did. “I’m really looking forward to the possibility of the sign coming to the Philadelphia History Museum,” says Kristen Froehlich, director of collections at the recently reopened PHM. “We’re looking at the 20th century and trying to add pieces to our collection — and it really is a 20th-century landmark.” The previous developer had been discussing the possibility of the PHM acquiring the sign — a lot more feasible than you’d think, as it breaks down into more manageable-sized pieces for transport and installation. But when the property was resold, the PHM assumed that the deal to get the sign was off. Froehlich

The figures are like giants crammed into a normalsize room. says that since hearing about the zoning board’s decision, she’s reached out to Kaplan, but also can’t say anything definite yet. Her desire to see the sign preserved is at least a little bit personal as well as professional, says Froehlich, a longtime resident of South Philly and a Temple grad. “I was a child of the ’80s, and that is such an icon of ’80s graphic style. It takes me back to my youth — makes me feel young again. It’s just so perfect.” Korvette says he hopes that the namesake of Pissed Jeans’ third album is preserved in some form. “It’s just curious, and uniquely Philadelphian, and I think most Philadelphians cling dearly to anything uniquely born of this city, good or bad.” (emilyg@citypaper.net)


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✚ Hostile Witness

[ the naked city ]

<<< continued from page 7

boosting earnings to UIL.“We would expect to work with the Pennsylvania [Public Utility] Commission to be able to accelerate that and, obviously, add to the rate base,” said Torgerson. Everyone agrees that those pipes, which can pose safety risks, must be replaced. But PGW has a good safety record, and it should be examined whether the risks merit replacing pipe at a faster clip. West says that PGW likely wants to move faster but is constrained by its limited access to capital. That’s possible — but City Council should ask. It is unclear what UIL rate increases will look like in 2018 and beyond, or how they would compare to what a publicly owned PGW would seek. 2) Is this a good deal for poor people? “Although the total sale price may be an attractive number, we are concerned that this payday may translate into higher rates (even in the short term) and more customers unable to afford service,” says public advocate Robert Ballenger, an attorney for Community Legal Services. He is concerned that the sale “presents serious risks for customers, particularly those low-income Philadelphians.” UIL’S West counters that “all the programs that exist right now for low-income individuals and seniors, we will maintain.” But contract language says only that UIL will make “commercially reasonable efforts” to include them or “programs similar in purpose … in its initial PUC-approved rates.” Ballenger would like to see a commitment in writing. Finally, the agreement confers ownership of PGW’s liens to UIL. While the company could not impose new liens, it could collect debts more aggressively — or foreclose on homes and businesses. Currently, Ballenger says, PGW almost never — if ever — forecloses. West says that UIL will not do so either. But once PGW is sold — and at a later date, perhaps sold again to another company — the city will lose its control over such matters. 3) Is this is a good deal for the city? Nutter says the deal will put $424 million into Philadelphia’s underfunded pension. But Philadelphia’s pension hole is $5.1 billion, so the sale of PGW would fill just 8.3 percent of the gap. The city will also lose the $18 million annual payment it receives from PGW. It may lose more. Lazard, the Wall Street analysts hired by the city, valued the city’s net benefits from a deal at $278 million to $765 million. That figure is based on an estimate that the loss of the $18 million annual payment will cost the city only $124 million to $155 million. But observers of the deal are already asking whether Lazard’s cost-benefit analysis low-balled how much forgoing that $18 million payment will cost the city in the long run. This will likely be a matter of contention. The second issue is PGW’s liquefied natural gas (LNG) facilities, which UIL plans to make key features of its business — especially given the city’s proximity to the booming Marcellus Shale. Currently, PGW customers benefit from the LNG facilities in at least four ways. First, PGW can buy gas when it’s cheap and store it, and does not have to purchase gas on the spot market when it is expensive. Second, PGW does not have to reserve capacity to import gas from outside of the system as frequently. Third, PGW currently makes money selling gas to third-party businesses. Fourth, PGW can assure customers certainty during a gas shortage. At present, these savings and revenue directly benefit ratepayers. Under UIL ownership, these benefits may stop going 10 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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to customers and instead be captured by shareholders. In addition, City Council should investigate what sort of value PGW’s LNG facilities could have if they remained publicly owned and were allowed to expand and increase sales to third-party businesses. 4) Is this good for workers? UIL has agreed to make no layoffs and to not reduce employment (currently 1,650 workers) below 1,350 workers — but only for three years. And the gas workers’ collective-bargaining agreement expires on May 15, 2015. Employment levels, salaries and benefits will be on the line. “We’ll be obviously negotiating with the union on a lot of these issues,” Torgerson told investors. UIL also agrees to maintain an office in Philadelphia — but again, only for three years. City Council should examine what impact decreased employment will have on

The union gas workers’ contract expires in May 2015. local economic activity and tax revenues. Finally, City Council should examine whether it is correct to bail out the city’s pension fund — typically funded by taxpayer dollars — with the proceeds of an asset built by ratepayers. Last year, in the face of criticism that the city should foot the bill, the Philadelphia Gas Commission narrowly approved spending $2.34 million in ratepayer funds to pay for costs related to Mayor Nutter’s efforts to sell the company. The move is arguably regressive: The city’s tax base is broader (it includes suburbanites who work in the city and pay the city wage tax) than PGW’s customer base; and PGW’s fee structure is less progressive than the city’s tax structure (since taxes are assessed as a percentage of income, and not as a flat fee for service). On the call with investors, Torgerson played down concerns that City Council members might block the sale. But they might do so, and the deal could expire without their approval by July 15. City Council has a non-relationship with Nutter, and Council President Darrell Clarke indicates that he’s in no hurry to sign. The privatization of PGW raises major policy and political questions, and is far from a done deal. (daniel.denvir@citypaper.net)


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D UPP ER

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57 GARRETT RD. • 610-713-9001 • INKAWALL.COM

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JUST WEST OF WEST PHILADELPHIA lies Upper Darby, a bustling Delaware County township with a decidedly sleepy downtown dotted with art deco storefronts. Some of these well-maintained buildings are home to hair salons, barbershops and dry cleaners that are stuck in a permanent 1987 time warp and others are home to cheerful Christian community centers. But scattered among these untouched shops are a new (or newish) crop of restaurants specializing in cuisines that are not often found within Philly’s city limits. We’re talking about fast-casual Korean in the upstairs food court of the H Mart, Latin American fare from Honduras, El Salvador and Peru, and bright offerings from Sichuan and Laos. WORDS BY CAROLINE RUSSOCK PHOTOS BY NEAL SANTOS

re-Andean panpipe music plays softly in the sunny dining room of Inka Wall, a restaurant that is barely four months old. Scott Loazya mans the front of the house while his mother, Beatrize, prepares traditional Peruvian plates in the kitchen. Meals start with yucca or potatoes a la Huancaina, a preparation from the Peruvian highlands that takes aji amarillo (mild, little yellow chiles) and blends them into a creamy sauce with a bit of salty white cheese. Pollo a la brasa is easily Peru’s most recognizable import and Inka Wall does it plenty of justice with crisp, spice-rubbed skin and moist quarter or whole chickens topped off with a miniature Peruvian flag, plus rice and a simple salad of lettuce and tomato served with a tangy vinaigrette. There is lomo saltado, a dish that highlights the Chinese influence on Peru’s culinary scene with strips of steak marinated in soy and vinegar then stir-fried with strips of sweet pepper, and seco de carne, long-stewed beef in a cilantroonion sauce served with creamy canary beans and floury boiled yucca. Listed on the menu are a whole bunch of weekend specials, but if you’re dining in the middle of the week, Loazya might be able to treat you to tallarin a la Huancaina, a comforting duo of garlic-marinated, grilled skirt steak accompanied by spaghetti dressed in a creamy aji-cheese sauce that is something of a Peruvian Alfredo. Inka Wall is BYO so be sure to arrive with a sixer of Cusqueña or go for a neon yellow Inca Kola or even better, chicha morada, an inky drink made of purple corn spiced with cinnamon and clove.

HOURS: Tue. - Sun., 11 a.m. - 9 p.m RECOMMENDED DISHES: Potatoes a la Huancaina, lomo saltado, seco de carne, tallarin a la Huancaina con bistec.

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SA BAI DEE 7038 TERMINAL SQUARE • 610-352-1119 SABAIDEETHAILAOS.COM

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wned by a Thai wife and Laotian husband, Sa Bai Dee specializes in fare from both locales. And while the Thai is solid, certainly more savory and tart than the cloying pad thai and curries that most Thai spots knock out, the Laotian offerings at Sa Bai Dee are what sets this storefront apart. When Craig LaBan checked in on Sa Bai Dee a little less than a year ago, he awarded it two bells, citing not blazing, over-the-top heat that is too often mistaken for authenticity, but the “vivid freshness and delicacy of the cooking.” Earthy turmeric and umami-rich, fish-based condiments like dried anchovies, crab paste and fish sauce lend depth to dishes. Yum moo yang sees slices of grilled pork loin served atop a seemingly pedestrian salad of tomatoes, cucumber and ribbons of red onion and bell pepper. But the salad is dressed with a fish sauce and dried chile-heavy vinaigrette that doesn’t mess around — salty, spicy-smoky and deeply savory. The menu at Sa Bai Dee is written to be accessible, meaning that the Laotian dishes are a little more difficult to uncover, but there are a few specials mounted on the wall that you definitely won’t come across at your local Siam Lotus: Mok pla, catfish tucked into bamboo leaves and gently steamed, for one. Along with the familiar Southeast Asian palette of bird chiles, shallots, garlic, kaffir lime leaves and Thai basil, Sa Bai Dee’s mok pla features dill, creating a dish that reveals the subtle and fascinating ways in which Laotian cuisine sets itself apart. Also special is the way the sticky-sweet rice is served in a beautifully handwoven bamboo basket.

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HOURS: Sun. - Thu., 11 a.m. - 9:30 p.m.; Fri. - Sat., 11 a.m. - 10 p.m. RECOMMENDED DISHES: Yum moo yang, chu chee duck, mok pla.


© 2014 DREAMWORKS II DISTRIBUTION CO, LLC.

INVITE YOU AND A GUEST TO A 3D ADVANCE SCREENING OF

FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN A PASS FOR TWO TO A 3D ADVANCE SCREENING, VISIT WWW.CITYPAPER.NET/WIN NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Limit one (1) admit-two pass per person. This film is rated PG-13. Must be 13 years of age or older to receive pass. Employees of all promotional partners and their agencies are not eligible. Void where restricted or prohibited by law. Seating is available on a first-come, first-served basis. Refer to screening pass for further restrictions. Screening pass winners will be drawn at random and notified via e-mail on or about March 10. SEATING IS LIMITED, SO ARRIVE EARLY. PASS DOES NOT GUARANTEE A SEAT AT THE SCREENING.

IN THEATERS MARCH 14 TheNeedForSpeedMovie.com Facebook.com/needforspeed #NFSMovie

C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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H MART FOOD COURT 7050 TERMINAL SQUARE • HMART.COM

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tocking up on a gallon-sized jar of kimchi, green grape juice sodas and some of the most beautifully marbled meat in town is worth a trip to the H Mart in Upper Darby. This mini-mall also features a kimchi refrigerator store (yes, there are entire refrigerators dedicated to cabbage fermentation), a sea of housewares (including turbo-charged rice cookers) and microwavable mugwort hot packs for your aching shoulders. But a short escalator ride up to the second level reveals a whole other reason to visit Terminal Square: a food court that is a thing of beauty. Bakery Madeline sells elegantly decorated cakes, sponge cakes baked into the shape of bananas and delicate chestnut bread. There’s Tomo Sushi & Sashimi for rolled-to-order maki, bentos and party trays. Mong Shil Tong Ting has the food-court market cornered on drinking-friendly food such as chile-sauced rice cakes, fried-katsu cutlets topped with kimchi and cinnamony curry sauce, omurice (fried ricefilled omelets) and fiery popcorn chicken, all of which makes one wonder what the food court’s BYO policy is. And then there’s Chew Young Roo, a counter that fuses Chinese and Korean cuisines. Chew Young Roo offers lacy shrimp dumplings and quarter-pounder-sized “King” dumplings, steamed and filled with pork, scallions and glass noodles for a cool $1.80. Korean takes on General Tso’s and shrimp egg foo yong are on CYR’s menu, but your best bet is a best-of-both-worlds jam-pong combo, a split bowl of seafood and noodles in a bubbling chile broth, and jajangmyeon, noodles sauced with a thick-and-sticky, super-savory sauce of fermented black beans with bits of pork.

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M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

HOURS: 9:30 a.m. - 9 p.m., daily RECOMMENDED DISHES: Jajangmyeon, king dumplings, popcorn chicken, katsu.


C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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EL CUSCATLECO 29 GARRETT RD. â&#x20AC;˘ 484-461-3156 ELCUSCATLECORESTAURANT.COM

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he menu at El Cuscatleco advertises Mexican, Salvadorian and Honduran fare, but your best bet is to forgo the rancheros, tortas and fajitas in favor of less run-ofthe mill Central American options, namely the aperitivos. All meals begin with complimentary tortilla chips deep-fried in-house and drizzled with soupy refried beans, salty crumbles of queso fresco and crema, and little bowls of mild red and green salsa. (If you were in the market for something with a little Mexican accent, there you go.) Post nachos, you can dive into a selection of Salvadorian and Honduran starters like papusas and baleadas. El Cuscatlecoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s papusas are doughy, hand-formed rounds of corn masa stuffed with chicharon (fatty, chopped pork that goes perfectly with a spoonful of salsa verde), cheese and beans or, even better, cheese and loroco, a tender, edible flower bud native to El Salvador and Guatemala. On the Honduran side of the menu are baleadas, oversized quesadillas made with flour tortillas folded over and filled with beans, scrambled eggs, cheese and perfectly ripe slices of avocado. Perhaps the best time to get yourself to El Cuscatleco is weekend mornings when the kitchen prepares Salvadorian breakfast specials like nuegados y plantanos con miel y chilate, yucca patties and fried plantains with brown-sugar syrup and a side of atole (a creamy, hot-corn drink), and empandas de poleadas y cafe, plantain pies filled with milk pudding and served with sweet, milky coffee. (caroline@citypaper.net)

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M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

HOURS: Sun. - Thu., 9 a.m. - 10 p.m.; Fri. - Sat., 9 a.m. - 11 p.m. RECOMMENDED DISHES: Papusas, Salvadorian hot dogs, stuffed plantains, baleadas.


INVITE YOU AND A GUEST TO AN ADVANCE SCREENING OF

RITZ FIVE

214 Walnut Street • Philadelphia, 19106

For tickets, log on to www.foxsearchlightscreenings.com/CITYPA01 Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Fox Searchlight Pictures, Philadelphia City Paper and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!

IN SELECT THEATERS MARCH 14

Eleven distinctive B&B’s in the heart of the Brandywine Valley Just minutes from world-class venues including Longwood Gardens, Winterthur, Brandywine River (“Wyeth”) Museum, wineries and ¿ne dining

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a&e

artsmusicmoviesmayhem

icepack By A.D. Amorosi

➤ WHEN THE ARS NOVA WORKSHOP, the

Philadelphia Jazz Project and saxophonist Bobby Zankel start their Still the New Thing Festival at Painted Bride this weekend, they’ll be paying homage to three of the all-time greats: MacArthur Foundation genius fellowship awardee/pianist Cecil Taylor, “harmalodic” sax giant Ornette Coleman and Germantown’s late great Sun Ra. More than that, Zankel and co. will celebrate the essence of freedom that each icon brought to jazz (though neither Taylor nor Coleman will be performing). On March 8, the first night of the festival, Zankel will cover several of Taylor’s most complex compositions while fronting a group of the master pianist’s collaborators such as bassist William Parker and Philly pianist Dave Burrell. On March 21, the fest celebrates Ornette Coleman’s 84th birthday with son Denardo Coleman’s band and Ornette’s onetime bassist Jamaaladeen Tacuma. On April 19, Zankel’s Warriors of the Wonderful Sound pair up with Sun Ra’s Arkestra under the direction of Marshall Allen for a delicious evening of Ra-ness. Zankel says he had to call in a few favors to put such a stellar lineup together.“Luckily, they are all pretty much old friends of mine.” ➤ Two high-profile Philly ladies are celebrating new, higher-profile jobs this week. Former Brûleé Catering GM Kelley Maddox — she’s had her hands in soirees at the Please Touch Museum and the National Constitution Center — just got a gig with Stephen Starr Events as its new senior director of development in Philly. Yay. Then there’s the highly visible former assistant manager at Del Frisco’s (and a “Sexy Single,” according to the Daily News) Carmen Tedesco, who just got the gig as that steak house’s general manager. Double yay. ➤ When Hawthorne’s Beer Boutique was damaged by an electrical fire on Feb. 21, I was glad that no one was hurt, but disappointed that the brunch-and-take-out-brew spot would have to shutter for a while. Recently, the staff sent word that all Hawthorne’s events would be diverted to its sister spot,The Cambridge at 15th and South. OK, I’ll walk a few blocks more. ➤ Philadelphia expatriate artist and rapper Jayson Musson — whom I spoke to last year about his Cosby-worthy sweater sculptures and having his song “Miller Time” sampled for the viral sensation “Harlem Shake” — just announced that Plastic Little is reuniting, however briefly. The legendary local avant-hop outfit — also featuring Kurt Hunte and Michael Stern — will play a JUMP magazine gig at Underground Arts on April 26. ➤ More ice? Head to citypaper.net/nakedcity. (a_amorosi@citypaper.net) 20 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

SKATE OF THE ART: (L-R) Bradford Haubrich, Dan Haddigan and Eric Kenny are building a skateboarding ramp covered in art inside Space 1026. They promise “the ramp will be cool.” ERIC KENNY

firstfridayfocus By Holly Otterbein

➤ GRAVY STUDIO & GALLERY Vice named Gabriel Angemi, a city firefighter, its favorite street photographer, but he’s no sensationalist in his work. Angemi’s images of burning buildings, vacant lots and overworked public servants in the exhibit “A Backward Glance Over Traveled Roads” provide an insider’s honest look at the city. He’s joined by two other local photographers, Keith Yahrling and Jordan Baumgarten. Yahrling’s gritty shots explore Revolutionary War sites, American masculinity and our national values. “I’m interested in historic places as the origins of our ideals of freedom and liberty,” says Yahrling. Baumgarten’s photos are as unrelenting as those by his fellow artists. One image shows a man’s sore hands, but not his face; another captures a gun on a bed, but not its owner. They leave you wanting more — in the best of ways. Through March 31, opening Fri., March 7, 6 p.m., 155 Cecil B. Moore Ave., second floor, gravy-studio.com.

➤ THE GALLERIES AT MOORE When Joel Katz traveled to Mississippi in ’64 as a young man, he says plenty of journalists were already covering the “Freedom Summer” campaign to register black voters.

M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

“What I did was go into black communities and talk to people in ways that reporters covering the civil rights movement did not,” he says. Katz’s portraits of African-Americans in the exhibit “And I Said No Lord” are warm and intimate: elderly women resting on their porches, children prancing about in their homes, men playing pool. There are also political and historical photos, like shots from a “Wallace for President” rally and a separate “colored” door entrance. “There will always be prejudice,” Katz says. “It will just take new and inventive forms.” Through March 15, closing reception Fri., March 7, 5:30 p.m., 1916 Race St., 215-965-4027, moore.edu/ the-galleries-at-moore.

They leave you wanting more.

➤ SPACE 1026

A skateboarding crew known as the “Long Ass Grind Boys” is building a ramp in the middle of the gallery Space 1026. The installation will be surrounded and even covered by paintings, screen prints and other pieces of art. “We solemnly swear to bring the choicest techniques, and as such will host a fully functional event of ‘skate-of-the-art’ proportions,” a press release for the show reads. “We are sure that nothing will get messed up in any way.” Good luck with that! Through March 28, opening Fri., March 7, 7 p.m., 1026 Arch St., second floor, 215-574-7630, space1026.com. (editorial@citypaper.net)


[ a bona fide riot ensues ] [ album reviews ]

➤ notwist | AOf all the microgenres attributed to unvergänglich German band The Notwist, “plinkerpop” seems like the snuggest fit, especially on the new Close to the Glass (SubPop). The term implies bliss and nicheyness and small dreams made flesh via bleeps and bloops. It’s not all pop on Glass (some parts are trip-hoppy, others are ambient and weird), but “Kong” could be the feel-good hit of our endless winter. —Patrick Rapa

➤ tom brosseau | BNorth Dakota finger-picker Tom Brosseau peppers Grass Punks (Crossbill), his seventh album, with wryly topical numbers — about romance-hindering tech (“Cradle Your Device”), Dairy Queens, swap meets and being stuck on the roof — but they’re too understated to scan as novelty songs, and too flat-out pretty to be antifolk. He writes some sweet little love songs, too, but the truest, most humbly self-evident is “I Love to Play Guitar.” He clearly does, and —K. Ross Hoffman he plays it deftly, simply, gorgeously.

flickpick

19102review

➤ linda perhacs | B+

The review of Philadelphia books

Linda Perhacs’ pastoral-psych manifestation Parallelograms sank unheard in 1970, like a stone in the Pacific, sending time-lapse ripples through the 21st-century “freak folk” underground that have lapped back to shore, half a century later, as The Soul of All Natural Things (Asthmatic Kitty) — a second LP that finds the Californian’s moon-dappled spirit very much still with us. Not everyone will embrace Perhacs’ soft-focus mysticism, drum-circle trances and choral tone-poetry this time around either, but those who do will accept a rare, unexpected gift. —K. Ross Hoffman

➤ broken bells | B Maybe it’s the benefit of recalibrated expectations — neither James Mercer nor Brian Burton (Danger Mouse) is the indie it-kid he once was — but the duo’s follow-up to their resolutely ho-hum 2010 Broken Bells debut is a thoroughly pleasant surprise. A batch of trebly Mercer melodies as gratifying as any recent Shins album, paired with livelier bleep-scapes from Mr. Mouse, After The Disco (Columbia) is a distinctive sequel that readily outshines its predecessor. —K. Ross Hoffman

[ movie review ]

ELAINE STRITCH: SHOOT ME [ B ] A LONG, FERTILE CAREER in any line of work is an accomplishment worth toasting, but at some point, the plaudits become patronizing. Nowhere is this more blatant than in showbiz, subsidized by youth-covetous actors who elevate the act of “honoring” lifetime achievements into a self-serving art form. It doesn’t seem intentional, but such condescension is the underwire of Chiemi Karasawa’s docu-feature on Elaine Stritch, the sandpaper-tongued octogenarian who personifies a long-gone era of American entertainment. Stritch, an Emmy and Tony winner whose career launched in the 1940s, has always been at her best when somebody’s watching. This includes the Shoot Me crew, which she hews to like a dance partner at a dress rehearsal. Wrapped in posh fur, she emerges from her home early in the doc, practicing one-liners and hamming it up with pedestrians every six steps. But Karasawa also applies a diligent eye to Stritch in quieter times, revealing cracks in her subject’s physical and mental constitution. Struggling to memorize the lyrics for a touring Sondheim revue, she’s challenged by her fading health, questioning why she’s still chugging along — even though she knows it’s because she needs artistic affirmation the way a plant needs sunlight. Julie Keyes, who met Stritch in Alcoholics Anonymous, describes her longtime friend as “a Molotov cocktail of madness, sanity and genius,” and it’s easily the most honest-sounding talking-head description of the performer’s proclivities. The rest of the celebrity commentary, from the likes of Tina Fey, Nathan Lane, Alec Baldwin and John Turturro, comes off as a series of soft pats to granny’s head. They fawn over her truthfulness and authenticity, coming just short of calling her a hero. Karasawa does the more respectful thing by letting Stritch speak for herself. —Drew Lazor

She’s at her best when somebody’s watching.

THE LONG HAUL: In the docu-feature about her, Broadway legend Elaine Stritch keeps on keeping on.

IF IT’S TOO LOUD, YOU’RE TOO OLD ➤ EARLY IN No Slam Dancing, No Stage Diving, No Spikes: An Oral History of the Legendary City Gardens, former promoter Randy Now recounts a show that “5,000 people claim to have been at, but only 500 tickets were sold.” It’s called “The Day the Butthole Surfers Came to Town,” an early entry in the new book that celebrates the seminal underground music club in Trenton during the ’80s and early ’90s. This particular story is told by Now and his fellow City Gardens staffers, Butthole Surfers frontman Gibby Haynes, Mickey Ween (who also wrote the foreword) and other regulars. The Surfers’ set featured a topless dancer, which the club previously banned for the all-ages show. Haynes responds to getting shut down by setting aflame his arm, the drum set, audience members’ heads and finally the club itself (the last one was an accident). The fire is extinguished. A bona fide riot ensues. And that’s just the intro. Local authors Amy Yates Wuelfing and Steven DiLodovico conducted more than 100 interviews over nearly a decade and a half to capture as much material as possible. Ian MacKaye, Jello Biafra and Henry Rollins get their say, along with countless others. Even Jon Stewart weighs in — he was a bartender at City Gardens. In the 80s, he recalls, “We all dressed like Molly Ringwald. … Even the guys.” At one point, Philly’s own Eric Bazilian waxes nostalgic about what a great, magical place City Gardens was. The next line comes from one of the bartenders: “The Hooters were a bunch of pompous asses.” —Jack Fierno

No Slam Dancing, No Stage Diving...

Amy Yates Wuelfing and Steven DiLodovico (DIWULF PUBLISHING, MARCH 10, 431 PP.)

✚ If you know of any really good books to review please email mikala@citypaper.net.

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;Nuevo Flamenco: The GalvĂĄn Legacyâ&#x20AC;? has been This project has been supported by The John S. supported by The Pew Center and James L. Knight Foundation. The John S. for Arts & Heritage. and James L. Knight Foundationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s arts program aims to engage and enrich Philadelphia through the arts.

DanceUP Dance/USA Philadelphia

Samuel S. Fels Fund

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movie

shorts

FILMS ARE GRADED BY CITY PAPER CRITICS A-F.

citypaper.net [ NEW AND IMPROVED ]

7 Boxes

✚ NEW 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE | C If anyone has spent the last seven years wondering what was going on in the background of the original 300 while Gerard Butler and his band of impossibly buff Spartans were engaged in slo-mo slaughter, the answer has belatedly arrived. Turns out there was a naval B-team close by, also engaged in piercing, crushing, mangling and disassembling each other’s bodies in shimmering, gracefully choreographed mayhem. Noam Murro does a convincing Zack Snyder impression as director, creating an airless fetishization of balletic violence as garishly pretty as an airbrushed van. This time the endless battle arrives in 3-D, which allows for a lot of Rorschach blood spurts gushing from dismembered limbs, which often lends Rise of an Empire the feel of a lava lamp rather than a film. A Gallagher routine with chiseled abs in place of watermelons, it cries out for an actual arterial spray to douse the first few rows in a bloody splash zone. The original had novelty and the charisma of Butler on its side, before he squandered that potential on a string of dreary rom-coms. The sequel is redeemed only by Eva Green as the feral Artemisia, attacking the scenery with Spartan ferocity and once again understanding that over-the-top villainy is the only proper reaction to this kind of nonsense. Sullivan Stapleton is no match for her as the heroically toned Themistokles, though he does hold up his end of a ridiculously brutal sex scene that may be the most violent thing in the film. —Shaun Brady (Wide release)

7 BOXES | B+ Victor (Celso Franco), the resourceful teenage hero of the 24 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

Paraguayan action-suspense film 7 Boxes, wants a cell phone with a camera. He gets the opportunity to earn enough money to buy one — all he has to do is deliver the titular seven boxes. Of course, this task is not as easy as it sounds; obstacles and subterfuge all lie in Victor’s path. Moreover, the contents of the boxes are illegal, and sought by both the police and a pushcart operator who thought the job was his. Nimbly directed by Juan Carlos Maneglia and Tana Schembori, this fast-paced film, which unfolds over the course of one day, sacrifices character development for gritty atmosphere. But this should not bother viewers who become engrossed with the plot and all its delicious twists. As Victor and the other characters experience various reversals of fortune, 7 Boxes turns into a ramshackle but nonstop thrill ride. Maneglia and Schembori infuse their simple story with pulse-pounding chase sequences and unexpected deaths that keep Victor — and viewers — on tenterhooks. This frenetic thriller benefits from Franco’s ingratiating performance as well as the few moments when it slows down and the video-obsessed Victor stops, only to be awestruck by what he sees on TV. —Gary M. Kramer (The Roxy)

THE BAG MAN | D A ridiculous attempt at a stone-faced crime thriller, David Grovic’s marble-mouthed movie would have benefited from a little intentional levity, as laughter seems to be the most efficient way to power through it. World-weary hit man Jack (John Cusack) lands a gig with crime boss Dragna (Robert De Niro) to transport a leather bag to a remote motel, with explicit instructions not to peer inside. The contents of this sack are meant to serve as a Pulp


Fiction suitcase-like dangling carrot for the entire feature, but whatever little intrigue is there gets shot to shit by a mess of dull performances and self-serious dialogue. The introduction of characters like Rivka (Rebecca Da Costa), a mysterious woman trying far too hard to be mysterious, and desk clerk Ned (Crispin Glover), who’s one big insufferable nervous tic, makes things worse. But there’s nothing more miserable than the “big reveal!” twist, which you’ve got to think has kept De Niro up for at least a night. —Drew Lazor (Wide release)

paranoia while managing to have absolutely nothing to say about our new standards of security and surveillance. Instead, such concerns are employed in the villain’s final, incomprehensible motivation, which comes after too many other implausibilities have been crammed into the film like so many overstuffed bags in an overhead compartment. Collet-Serra shows intermittent flashes of style, but too often moves beyond suspension of disbelief to actions utterly unfathomable to anyone who’s ever flown on a plane. —Shaun Brady (Wide release)

ELAINE STRITCH: SHOOT ME | B See Drew Lazor’s review on p. 21. (Ritz at the Bourse)

OMAR | A-

✚ CONTINUING NON-STOP | CAs a tortured action hero, air marshal Bill Marks has it all: a shattered family life, an alcohol problem, a checkered past that got him kicked off the NYPD — and, perhaps most telling in this tobacco-shunning cinematic age, a habit of smoking in airplane bathrooms. Liam Neeson plays Marks with a perpetually wounded expression on top of his now-standard grim determination, revealing his essential nobility. Those qualities are, naturally, tested by a hostage crisis aboard an international flight that hinges on an inordinate amount of jaw-clenched text messaging. Neeson re-teams with director Jaume Collet-Serra, who was also responsible for his other not-Taken thriller, Unknown. Their latest plays insistently on post-9/11

The Palestinian Oscar nominee for best foreign language film has the title character (Adam Bakri) climbing over the Israeli separation wall to visit his romantic interest Nadia (Leem Lubany), her brother Tarek (Iyad Hoorani) and his other childhood friend Amjad (Samer Bisharat). Without much thought, the three men conspire to kill an Israeli soldier, and Amjad is the one to do the shooting. When Omar is captured and tortured by the Israelis, they give him an ultimatum: Find Tarek, whom they suspect of the killing, and turn him in; otherwise, prepare to endure a hellish life in jail. Omar agrees to be an informant, although he has no intention of keeping his promise. There are thrilling chase scenes, betrayals, double crosses and several twists that will have viewers recalibrating their sympathies for the characters. Director Hany AbuAssad’s minimalist style effectively pulls viewers into this absorbing story, and the strikingly handsome Bakri gives an exceptional performance in a

complex role. —Gary M. Kramer (Ritz at the Bourse)

TIM’S VERMEER | B+ Vermeer you know, but the Tim in Tim’s Vermeer you may not, unless you’re intimately involved with the history of video-production software. What matters for the documentary by Teller, of (silent) Penn & Teller fame, is that Tim Jenison is a self-made man, a dogged obsessive and something of a genius. So when he becomes convinced that the Dutch master painter Johannes Vermeer must have used some sort of mechanical aid to create his unprecedented, and still unmatched, studies in light and color, he doesn’t do it halfway. He builds an exact replica of the room depicted in Vermeer’s 1662 canvas, “The Music Lesson,” teaching himself woodworking and decoupage along the way, and sets to work, brushstroke by agonizing brushstroke. Have I mentioned that Jenison is not a painter? It’s a common trap to fall in love with obsessives regardless of the quality of their obsession. Teller — and Penn, who appears as an on-camera narrator — aren’t nearly skeptical enough about whether Jenison’s ideas have any basis in history; at most, they show that Vermeer could have painted this way, not that he did. But the results are strong and surprising enough that they help to deepen our appreciation of Vermeer rather than turn him from an artistic genius into a mechanical one. —Sam Adams (Ritz at the Bourse)

animation auteur and Studio Ghibli co-founder Hayao Miyazaki. How could it not? Since debuting in Japan this summer, this semi-fictionalized biopic of Japanese aircraft engineer Jiro Horikoshi has been the subject of controversy. Western film festival audiences saw Miyazaki romanticizing the Japanese World War II machine, as Jiro designed the prototype of the fighter plane used in the attack on Pearl Harbor; Japanese right-wingers took offense to Miyazaki’s pacifist lens in his depiction of their country’s fever for war in the 1930s and ’40s. These reactions, while not unreasonable, distract from the film’s essence — a hope-filled, wide-eyed portrait of a man who only wishes to build beautiful things. For Jiro (Joseph GordonLevitt), those beautiful things are airplanes. The Wind Rises follows Jiro through his childhood to his enrollment in engineering school, to his time working for an aircraft manufacturer and his romance with tuberculosisstricken Naoko (Emily Blunt). The tale is handled with incredible poetic sensitivity and dulled sadness; we know how this story is going to end. But Jiro doesn’t. Near the film’s end, a roomful of engineers are mulling over his final blueprints, trying to find a way to make the plane lighter. Jiro earnestly suggests removing the guns. The entire room bursts into laughter. —Marc Snitzer (Ritz Five)

[ movie shorts ]

(1948, Italy, 93 min.): A 65th anniversary screening of the hard-hitting post-WWII film. Thu., March 6, 7 p.m., $9. Almayer’s Folly (2011, France, 127 min.): The daring director Chantal Akerman adapts Joseph Conrad’s novel about a Dutch trader in Malaysia. Fri., March 7, 7 p.m., $9. American Revolutionary: The Evolution of Grace Lee Boggs (2013,

U.S., 82 min.): A doc about the AsianAmerican activist. Director Grace Lee (no relation to her subject) will be in attendance. Tue., March 11, 7 p.m., $10. The Three Disappearances of Soad Hosni (2011, Lebanon/U.A.E., 70 min.): A doc about the titular “Cinderella of Egyptian cinema.” Wed., March 12, 7 p.m., $9.

WOODMERE ART MUSEUM 9201 Germantown Ave., 215-247-0476, woodmereartmuseum.org. Fog Over Frisco (1934, U.S., 68 min.): Bette Davis plays an heiress gone wild. Tue., March 11, 7:30 p.m., $5 suggested donation.

More on:

✚ SPECIAL SCREENINGS

THE WIND RISES | A-

INTERNATIONAL HOUSE

A vague tension permeates The Wind Rises, the final film directed by

3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125, ihousephilly.org. The Bicycle Thief

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events LISTINGS@CITYPAPER.NET | MARCH 6 - MARCH 12

[ delicious twists, turns and shocks ]

LIFE IS GOOD: John the Conqueror plays MilkBoy Philly on Friday. CINTHYA VONG

Events is our selective guide to what’s going on in the city this week. For comprehensive event listings, visit citypaper.net/events. IF YOU WANT TO BE LISTED: Submit information by email (listings@ citypaper.net) or enter it yourself at citypaper.net/submit-event with the following details: date, time, address of venue, telephone number and admission price. Incomplete submissions will not be considered, and listings information will not be accepted over the phone.

3.6 Thursday [ theater ]

CIRCLE MIRROR TRANSFORMATION $20-$35 | Through March 16, Theatre Horizon, 401 DeKalb St. Norristown, 610-283-2230, theatrehorizon.org. Audiences who don’t already know playwright Annie Baker’s work from The Aliens (Theatre Exile, 2011) or Body

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Awareness (Wilma Theatre, 2012) may find the Vermont native’s nuanced language and realistically bittersweet stories disorienting at first. This 2010 Obie Award winner for best new American play drops us into a small suburban acting class without exposition, where Marty (Nancy Boykin) guides a small group (including her reluctant husband, James, played by Bob Weick) through theater games. “I hope you feel safe and willing to go with it,” Marty encourages, but for David Bardeen, Emilie Krause and Kim Carson’s characters, the activities become therapy. They improvise monologues in which they play each other, direct each other in scenes that recreate their parents, portray their childhood bedrooms, and divulge personal secrets. What initially seems comedic — non-actors awkwardly battling inhibitions — becomes

a fascinating exploration of characters whose realities messily converge as relationships develop. Matthew Decker’s direction makes each short scene — Baker often provides just enough to understand a situation, then shifts to another time — a study in detail. By the end of Circle Mirror Transformation, we may not know if these five people will be better actors, but we know they’ve changed and grown in startling ways. —Mark Cofta

[ theater ]

THE MYSTERY OF IRMA VEP $15-$34 | Through April 6, Hedgerow Theatre, 64 Rose Valley Rd., Rose Valley, 610-565-4211, hedgerowtheatre.org. Rose Valley’s Hedgerow Theatre is taking on the late Charles Ludlam’s gloriously goofy Gothic spoof. First produced by Ludlam’s Ridiculous

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Theatrical Company in 1984, the play explores a mystery at spooky Mandacrest, the estate of an Egyptologist. The mansion might be haunted by his first wife Irma’s ghost, which freaks out his new bride, Enid. Creepy servants, strange beasts and mummies complicate the plot, but what makes it fun is that all the roles are played by just two actors, who must maintain a frantic pace of costume changes and backstage dashes to keep up with the story. Carl Smith and Joel Guerrero are taking on the hilarious challenge, with the help of director Jared Reed. Does it matter that the letters in “Irma Vep” spell “vampire”? You’ll have to see it to find out. —Mark Cofta

[ theater ]

ACCOMPLICE $15-$25 | Through March 30, Walnut Street Theatre Studio 5,

825 Walnut St., 609-220-7537, isisperforms.com.

3.7

Multitalented Rupert Holmes — best known in theater for his Tony Award-winning adaptation of Charles Dickens’ The Mystery of Edwin Drood and his one-man show about George Burns called Say Goodnight Gracie — is also a novelist (Where the Truth Lies) and songwriter-performer, infamous for the ’79 earworm “Escape (the Pina Colada Song).” Local troupe Isis Productions revives his nifty 1990 comedythriller Accomplice, which won the Mystery Writers of America’s Edgar Award and has been produced all over the world. It’s one of those mystery stories spoiled by too much advance inspiration — so trust me, it has some delicious twists, turns and shocks. Neill Hartley directs a strong acting quartet of Rob Hargraves, Mark Knight, Kirsten Quinn and Renee Richman-Weisband. —Mark Cofta

Friday [ blues/rock/pop ]

JOHN THE CONQUEROR $8-$10 | Fri., March 7, 8:30 p.m., with Blayer Pointdujour & The Rockers Galore and Thee, Idea Men, MilkBoy Philly, 1100 Chestnut St., 215-925-6455, milkboyphilly.com. Philadelphia, you are home to an honest-to-Satan Delta blues-rock band. Sure, John the Conqueror’s got Mississippi roots, but they’re ours now and we’d better get on board because the world’s starting to take notice of Pierre Moore’s heroic guitar and swaggering scratchy-soul vocals. On Friday, the trio celebrate the release of their brand new The Good Life (Alive Naturalsound), which is full of cocksure riffs and neck-snapping rhythms. —Patrick Rapa


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[ galleries ]

[ events ]

ALIEN SHE FREE | March 7-April 27, Vox Populi, 319 N. 11th St., third floor, 215-2381236, voxpopuligallery.org. Vox Populi in Chinatown opens the floodgates this week with “Alien She,” its ambitious first mainstream exhibition of Riot Grrrl art down through history and today. Both reacting to and interacting with the punk-rock scene of the early ’90s, the Riot Grrrl movement began as a feminist and queer political statement through music, art, zine culture and other outlets meant to empower minorities and make a statement about the future of music. Though the Riot Grrrls primarily communicated through music, there is a huge community of feminist artists associated with the movement,

and Riot Grrrl culture still impacts artists working today. Many of the featured artists are musicians themselves, though the exhibition boasts works by artists like Me and You and Everyone We Know writer/director Miranda July and San Francisco multimedia sculptor Stephanie Syjuco. The exhibition will include a “historical” section intended to educate gallery-goers to the multiplicities of the history of the movement, as tough as that may be. As Riot Grrrl legend Bikini Kill sings, “All I really wanted to know/ Who was me and who is she/ I guess I’ll never know.” —Maggie Grabmeier

[ rock/country ]

D. CHARLES SPEER AND THE HELIX $7 | Fri., March 7, 9 p.m., with Ron Tubman, Ortlieb’s, 847 N. Third St., 267-324-3348, ortliebslounge.com. D. Charles Speer is a longstanding member of semilegendary avant-folk freaks

No Neck Blues Band (he also moonlights with Coach Fingers and Brooklyn-psych super-trio Rhyton, among others), but he may be best known around these parts for his involvement in one of the late, lamented Jack Rose’s final recordings: the defiantly loose, posthumously released collaborative EP Ragged and Right. That’s an epithet that’d be just as fitting for Doubled Exposure (Thrill Jockey), Speer’s latest outing with well-oiled backing unit The Helix. The album rambles from the Lou Reed-y Krautrock choogle of “Wallwalker” to the bouzouki-tinged breakdown of “Cretan Lords,” with stops at sprightly western swing (“The Heated Hand”), loping moonshine country-rock (“Red Clay Road”), blown-out boogie-woogie (“Tough Soup”‘) and the 10-minute drone-folk suite “Mandorla at Dawn.” It’s Americana in full-on meltingpot mode, with the weirdness knob cranked up at least halfway. Hard to predict what manner of bar-band shenanigans they may get up to at Ortlieb’s Friday night, but here’s hoping they pour one out for Jack. —K. Ross Hoffman

[ rock/pop ]

BLACK HORSE MOTEL $10 | Fri., March 7, 8: 30 p.m., with Song Dogs and Spirit & Dust, Boot & Saddle, 1131 S. Broad St., 267-6394528, bootandsaddlephilly.com. Can it be that Philly’s Black Horse Motel has only been around since 2011? Judging by the aged tones of their eponymous 2012 EP and 2013’s Red Summer Spirit full-length, this quartet could have been the soundtrack to Steinbeck’s Dust Bowl Depression with its quaintly stringed arrangements and handsome harmony vocals. Singers/instrumentalists David Richardson, Desirée Haney, Megan Manning and Galen Fitzpatrick have readied their first new batch of songs since Red Summer Spirit and will be joined on stage at the Boot by their equally rustic pals, Philly’s Song Dogs. —A.D. Amorosi C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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Saturday

The Balloon Guide, a tourist’s key to the NYC subway system with stops at Penn Station (“Roads”) and Harlem (“Melly’s Walls”). —A.D. Amorosi

[ hip-hop ]

MH THE VERB $10 | Sat., March 8, 8 p.m., Connie’s Ric Rac, 1132 S. Ninth St., 215-279-7587, conniesricrac.com. It’s nice to have something to fall back on. This Philly (by way of Pittsburgh and Brooklyn) MC/producer makes his money as a banker when he isn’t using his mellifluous vocal tones on tracks that are just as likely to feature the sounds of jazz, house music and Afrobeat as they are the stark rhythms of hip-hop. MH the Verb is also fond of making concept-heavy records with narrative through-lines, like

3.10 Monday [ theater ]

AN EVENING WITHOUT THE CATSKILLS $25 | Mon.-Tue., March 10-11, Plays & Players Theatre, 1714 Delancey St., 215-592-9560, 1812productions.org. Philadelphia’s only all-comedy theater company, 1812 Productions, delights in educating audiences about American

comedy — previous shows have celebrated Bob Newhart, Steve Martin, Woody Allen, Tom Lehrer and David Sedaris. The company’s latest Evening Without … compilation features Jewish humor, pulling laughs from the Old Testament (yes, there’s a joke in Genesis!), Sholem Aleichem (popularized by Fiddler on the Roof) and immigrant Yiddish theater. That’s just the beginning — the compilation pans through the post-vaudeville Catskills summer resorts that nurtured the likes of Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar, Henny Youngman and Shecky Greene, culminating in the modern humor of Allen, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Seinfeld and Jon Stewart. Curator, writer and director Jennifer Childs loves to showcase comedy by women

— and few do it so well — so the show also salutes Jewish comediennes Fanny Brice, Sophie Tucker, Totie Fields and Joan Rivers, among others. —Mark Cofta

[ rock/pop ]

MARK MULCAHY $15 | Mon., March 10, 8 p.m., with Chris Harford, World Café Live, 3025 Walnut St., 215-222-1400, worldcafelive.com. Mark Mulcahy probably qualifies as a cult artist several times over. He was active through the college-rock ’80s and the alterna-’90s as frontman for the Connecticut-based Miracle Legion and spinoff project Polaris (who memorably soundtracked Nickelodeon’s Adventures of Pete and Pete)

and later as a moodily inclined solo artist. As evidenced by the 2009 tribute album Ciao My Shining Star, his cult followers include the likes of Thom Yorke, Michael Stipe and The National; some pretty R M U R R AY

3.8

good folks to have on your side. The delightful Dear Mark J. Mulcahy, I Love You (Fire/Mezzotint) — his first album since 2005, newly available domestically after its initial U.K. release last June — offers an

[ events ]

immediately appealing introduction to what the rest of us have been missing: It’s playful and quirky but still heartfelt; sarcastic without being meanspirited; a little gritty, a little pretty, full of jangly, unpredictable acoustic/electric guitarpop tunes. —K. Ross Hoffman

More on:

citypaper.net ✚ FOR COMPREHENSIVE EVENT LISTINGS, VISIT C I T Y PA P E R . N E T / L I S T I N G S .

By Robert Lopez co-creator of Book of Mormon A musical comedy starring rude and sex puppets THE ROTUNDA 4014 Walnut St.March 21-30 Winner of the Tony “Triple Crown” for Best Musical, Best Score and Best Book, AVENUE Q is part flesh, part felt and packed with heart. AVENUE Q SCHOOL EDITION is a laugh-out-loud musical that tells the timeless story of a recent college grad named Princeton who moves into a shabby New York apartment all the way out on Avenue Q. He soon discovers that although the residents seem nice, it’s clear that this is not your ordinary neighborhood. Together, Princeton and his new-found friends struggle to find jobs, dates, and their ever-elusive purpose in life. http://projectartsavenueqschooledition.bpt.me

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f&d

foodanddrink

feedingfrenzy COLEMAN YUNGER

By Caroline Russock

➤ NOW SEATING

Baker’s Jar | We’re happy to say that the cupcake’s moment in the sun has passed. The latest addition to the portable dessert scene is sweets in jars, particularly single-serving cakes and pies tucked into useful/reusable/totally adorable Mason jars. Avery Goldman has opened Philadelphia’s premier jar-centric bakery, Baker’s Jar, in a sunny storefront at 16th and Bainbridge. She’s lined up a solid selection of desserts with a comfortingly nostalgic feel, including a sprinkles-studded birthday cake layered with vanilla frosting and a gooey dulce de leche brownie. Open Tue.-Fri., 9 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat., 9 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sun., 9 a.m.-4 p.m. 625 S. 16th St., 267-519-0609, bakersjarphilly.com. Vice Coffee | Husband and wife team Charlie Collazo and Heather DeRussy-Collazo have owned the Eraserhood standby The Institute Bar since ’08, but their latest endeavor is a little different. The couple has brought a three-pronged concept to Spring Garden between 10th and 11th with Vice Tattoos, Coffee and Books, a combination tattoo parlor, cafe and lending library. Tattoos are mostly by appointment, but you can stop in anytime for a cup from One Village roasters or a quick bite (vegan and vegetarian options available). Open Mon.-Wed., 7 a.m.-9 p.m.; Thu.-Fri., 7 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sat., 9 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun., 9 a.m.-9 p.m. 1031 Spring Garden St., 267-861-0444. Dickey’s Barbecue | The newest member of Philadelphia’s burgeoning barbecue scene is Dickey’s, a Texas-based chain that recently opened shop on South Street. Dickey’s is smoking pork, brisket and ribs over hickory in-house for up to 14 hours before slicing, pulling and serving with a selection of good-looking sides. Open daily 11 a.m.-9 p.m. 650 South St., 267-273-0364, dickeys.com. Got A Tip? Please send restaurant news to restaurants@ citypaper.net or call 215-735-8444, ext. 207.

GREAT GRATINÉE: Le Chéri's onion soup is a thing of beauty. MARK STEHLE

[ review ]

CHÉRI BABY French fare done just right by Bibou’s Pierre and Charlotte Calmels. By Adam Erace LE CHÉRI | 251 S. 18th St., 215-546-7700, lecheriphilly.com. Wed.-Sun.,

5-10 p.m. Appetizers, $8-$14; entrees, $18-$30; desserts, $9.

ost 21st-century parents have one or two kids. Pierre and Charlotte Calmels have five. Roll call: Julie, (8), Jeanne (6), Bibou (five in May), Eloise (18 months) and Chéri (four months). It’s safe to assume that Pierre, a French chef who’s equal parts technician and artiste, and Charlotte, the More on: ever-gracious hostess, love their three human children the most. But their fondness for their two restaurants isn’t far behind. You can’t attain the acclaim and success the couple has found with Bibou, the standard-bearer for Philly BYOBs since it opened in 2009, without tender, committed parenting. The baby restaurant, Le Chéri, joined the Calmels clan when the trees in Rittenhouse Square still had their leaves. They’re naked now, jagged branches snaring low, winter clouds, and Chéri, located across the street from the Square in the regal Art Alliance, has

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citypaper.net

settled in following a turbulent infancy. The Calmelses split with their opening chef, Val Stryjewski, just a few weeks after opening. When I ask Pierre who has taken over, he laugh-booms: “Me!” Compared to Bibou, he’s got a lot more room to work with in this kitchen — and more than double the number of customers to feed. Fifty seats are divided between the 108-year-old palazzo’s two dining rooms, luxurious yet homey spaces done in rococo wallpaper, leather, wood, modern chandeliers and shades of precious metals. An additional 14 can fit in the bar, and once the weather breaks, Chéri’s best asset, its courtyard, will open. For now, sidle up to one of the fireplaces. They don’t work, but I could have sworn the puffs of heat warming my ankles were coming from them. Or maybe it was just the crock of onion soup, a pillar of a menu that emphasizes comfort over excitement. Some dishes are so comforting they may MORE FOOD AND put you to sleep. I’m thinking of a note card DRINK COVERAGE of halibut, a beautiful bore with baby kale, AT C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / shaved carrot, a thin mushroom broth and M E A LT I C K E T. bamboo-rice risotto cake. That each item was exquisitely cooked was not enough to hold my attention. When food is this simple, it has to be obscenely delicious. It has to be craveable, stuff that makes you forget your desire to be surprised or wowed or intrigued because it’s just … so … damn … good. Fortunately, Pierre does a lot of so damn good. That onion soup was an ideal example: Nothing fancy, nothing unusual or inno>>> continued on page 32

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what’scooking

[ food & drink ]

By Caroline Russock

STARR RESTAURANTS

✚ Cheri Baby <<< continued from page 31

As expected from Pierre, the foie gras was unreal.

➤ THE WEEK IN EATS Pizza & Beer Happy Hour at Nomad Roman, Thu., March 6, 4:30-6:30 p.m., pay as you go ➤ What’s

better than cheap beer? Cheap beer and pizza, obviously. This Thursday, Nomad Roman is joining forces with the good folks at Tröegs for a happy hour made in heaven. They are going to be offering up four pies paired with four pours from Tröegs. The $8 beer-and-pizza pairings include some cult favorites like Nugget Nectar matched with a spicy soppresata pie, Cultivator Helles Bock with a margherita, and Tröegenator with a vegan Castelvetrano and scalogno pie with tomatoes and chile flakes. Nomad Roman, 1305 Locust St., 215-644-9287, nomadpizzaco.com. The Great Ice Cream Auction at Little Baby’s Ice Cream, Fri., March 7, 8 p.m., free ➤ If you’ve ever

wondered what kind of magical flavors live in Little Baby’s freezer/archives, Friday is your chance to find out — at their premier Great Ice Cream Auction. Bring cash and coolers for your chance to bid on one-off, seasonal, out-of-print and rare flavors like pizza, pumpkin curry, yerba mate, honey miso chive and maybe even the elusive grilled cheese and tomato soup. FYI: The flavors on auction are mostly large format (think 1.5 gallon tubs and 1.3 liter gelato pans), so bid carefully. Little Baby’s Ice Cream, 2311 Frankford Ave., 267-687-8567, littlebabysicecream.com. E. Pira & Figli Wine Dinner at Il Pittore, Sun., March 9, $200 ➤ Chef Christopher Painter is welcoming Chiara Boschis of E. Pira & Figli winery to Il Pittore for a wine-tasting dinner that doubles as a tour of Piemonte. Boschis, a.k.a. Piemonte’s First Woman of Wine, is bringing Northern Italian treasures from her cellar, including an ’03 “Cannubi” Barolo and an ’11 “Superiore” Barbera d’Alba to pair with five courses from Painter. Think perfectly paired and executed pastas, like tagliatelle with juniper and wild boar ragu, and black trumpet mushroom agnolotti with black truffle and robiola. Il Pittore, 2025 Sansom St., 215-391-4900, ilpittore.com. (caroline@citypaper.net) 32 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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vative, just pure, carnal satisfaction born from onions cooked on a flicker till they attained the sweetness of caramel and texture of pudding. A thorough roux, white wine and chicken broth, a crouton of day-old house-made bread and a heaping application of comté cheese form the rest of the soup’s components, though it may as well have been made of magnets for the way it drew my spoon deeper and deeper, till only dribbles remained. Meaty snails shone in parsley butter as green as a freshcut lawn, a neat communion of earthiness and grassiness with the additional surprise of chicken oysters, extra-tender nuggets of dark meat near the thigh. Baked in a whimsical, fish-shaped pastry crust and filleted tableside, the dourade for two glistened with a lemony butter sauce. As to be expected from Pierre, the city’s reigning liver lord, the foie gras was unreal. Aromatic vanilla quince plays current garnish to foie, which is poached in port and red wines seasoned with Sichuan peppercorns. Like all the bread here, the brioche that accompanies the foie is baked in-house under the direction of pastry chef Rebecca Craig. Working for TLC’s Cake Boss bakery may be the gold star on her resume, but her desserts at Le Chéri will change that. Get ready to hear more about this unknown and her dark, milk and white chocolate mousses, caramel-rippled mango tarte tatin and pear charlotte, a ladyfinger tepee framing whipped cream cheese. Even within the menu’s traditionalist scope, Pierre could take more risks — maybe within the offal-centric “Bizarre” section, which, with only two items, feels like an 11th toe. The $30 steak frites was 30 percent steak to 70 percent frites — though the latter, a twist on pommes darphin, were terrific, easily outshining the chewy bavette, a steak whose robust flavor comes at the price of tenderness. The cocktail list is barren territory for anyone demanding more than a rosé French 75 or St. Germain spritzer. Stick to Charlotte’s wine list, a thoughtful, boutiquey collection of French and Swiss — the Calmelses met in Switzerland — bottles you wouldn’t expect to exist in the miasma of the PLCB. Reasonable markups keep drinking a doable diversion here, which is important since Le Chéri is more affordable than Bibou in the way Osteria is more affordable than Vetri — which is to say, not very. With one drink per person, tax and tip, the tab ran $90 a head, about the same as the tasting menu at Bibou. What I missed most at Le Chéri was Charlotte’s natural warmth in contrast to the tentative, slightly stiff service. A staff refresher could be something to squeeze in while running between the two restaurants and running her girls to ballet. If only Charlotte could duplicate herself. Moms like her are hard to find. (adam.erace@citypaper.net)


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Classifieds Employment Announcements

Special Services Automotive HW

Adoptions ADOPTION: Loving Doctor Dad, Stayhome Mom, travel, ballgames, concerts, hugs, happiness awaits baby. Expenses paid. Ellie and Mike at 1-800-676-1002

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We are expanding & looking to add experienced quality people! Competitive hourly rate, Benefits, Paid ongoing training, Personal paid time off & Uniforms. Please send your resume to: cmaxemployment@gmail.com or come in to fill out an application at: 565 W. Street Rd., Warminster PA 18974 or 2034 W. Grant Ave., Phila PA 19115

To place an ad, please call Real Estate Apartments for Rent

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Transportation LOCAL & REGIONAL DRIVERS Must have CDL-A, 5 year exp., Hazmat, Clean MVR Plenty of Work Call 302-545-1013 34 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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Apartments for Rent BENSALEM - 2 BR, 1 Bath, Freshly Remodeled, All Appliances, Off Street Parking, $1150 per mo. Call 215-639-2991 or 215-651-8525 Bensalem BUCKS MEADOW APTS 1, 2 & 3 BR Apts. Starting at $730 mo. Apply now and get ½ off 1st month Many Amenities. Call 215-245-1133 Bensalem remodeled 1BR $799 • 2BR $899 separate entrances balcony dishwasher c/a heat pets ok 215-638-8220

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Call Today! 215.355.3048 High-rise living in the Burbs!!!! 2BR 1 BA for $1100. Hatboro/Horsham. All Brand New! Great View! 5 mins from train station. For details; 215-317-3059

Bensalem, Rt. 13 frontage 5,000 sq. ft. commercially zoned building, over an acre of open space for parking, paved in part, stoned elsewhere. $3,000 mo. Call 215-639-4184

Mobile Homes Bensalem: totally renovated, like new, mobile home, 3BR, 2BA. Only $32,000 Terry’s Mobile Homes 215-639-2422

Antique/Classic Vehicle WANTED 1957 thru 1973 2 door or convertible car. American or foreign. Chrysler • Dodge • Plymouth • Porsche • BMW, etc. 215-822-8802

Langhore Summit Ridge Condo LR, DR, Kitchen, 2BR, 2BA, convenient to I-95, $1100 mo. Call 215-943-6757

CAR, TRUCK, SUV, RV, BOAT

LEVITTOWN. All inclusive efficiency. Newly renovated. 1st floor. No smoking. $850/mo. Call 215-946-2410

Sell it in our classifieds.

Levittown ROYAL PARK APTS. NEWLY RENOVATED 2 BR = $895 Heat and hot water included. Walking distance to schools, shopping and transportation. Call now 215-245-1187

M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

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[ i love you, i hate you ] To place your FREE ad (100 word limit) ➤ email lovehate@citypaper.net ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND I’ve loved you since the day I saw you alone not talking to anyone until I approached you. Ever since that day we have been best friends but aways talk about getting together at some point, but it never happens. Your boyfriend is plain and simply an ass. He wants to buy you implants for fuck’s sake and told you that, hurt you, and he doesn’t care, he’s an ass. You’re perfect the way you are, except that you have an ass for a boyfriend. I love you, and always will, no one compares.

and often a bunch of times each day. I can’t help it... I’m dippy in love with her. We’ve been together since ‘92, have two kooky kids, have had our world collapse on us several times, and yet we laugh like crazy at the dinner table... I hold her hand when we walk... we smooch good night and good morning... With all the shit that’s been thrown our way over the years, the one constant is that love wins... love rules. If writing I HATE YOU takes up any of your time, become the person ready to say “I Love You”... let it flow from your smile and out through your

and I know she is a fat-ass slob...you can do better... with me! Not only do me...be with me! We could conquer the world together!

LONELY NEIGHBOR You sit in your window all fucking day and just look and be fucking nosy! Who do you think that you are...I know that I am tired of you looking and watching. It is honest retarded of you to honestly not have a life and just watch everyone else’s! I bet that you can tell me what I had for dinner! Can you

BE QUIET Be quiet, you liar and slut. When I get on here and call someone a liar and a slut, it’s because they are a liar and a slut. That’s the problem with some of you bitches. You get on here whining like a damn fool and you want to blame other people for calling you on it. I’m not going to coddle you sap-sucking buffoons. Especially the ones who are liars and sluts. If you don’t want to be called a liar and a slut, then don’t act like a liar and a slut. That includes men AND women. So you can take your politically correct bullshit and shove it up your fat, obnoxious ass, you dime store whore! AND FYI, “deep-seated” is hyphenated, you crack-smoking, psychoanalyzing bitch!

SEXY CAPRICORN Oh my goodness what you do to me! That is the question that is on my mind. You had me thinking about you, the other day and I couldn’t even type on my computer, I was in a daze and I had to shake myself out of it! I think you are so nice and when we talked on the phone the other day you brought out another side of you that I just couldn’t stop thinking about. I know that you and I would be a “GOOD” mess together. I hope that we can be closer and still and yet remain honest with each other! I hope that I am not asking too much, think about that Mr. Handsome Anthony! You know who you are! Talk to you later!

FUCK YOU You’re a horrible person who’s shit-talking ways are going to earn you a swift kick to the nuts, and I will be first in line. Stop acting like a diva because you’re not. You are an angry gay man who doesn’t know how to control his temper and who wears bedroom slippers outside. For that alone you should be smacked.

GIVE ME ROOM! This goes out to the people who get on the train with me early in the damn morning! First of all, if you see some space that you are able to stand at why the fuck are you crowding into on space trying to have me all up on the damn door like I belong there! I am trying to get the fuck to work and you fat-ass pigs are standing in my space where there is other space to be used for your space! I can’t help not to wonder is this person all up in their damn cell-phone texting or in their iPhone so bad they aren’t aware of their surroundings! I hate all of you!

I CAN’T WAIT Hey John, you have not come over my house in a long time and I can’t wait until you come over tonight hopefully you can move that tongue all fast and stuff and I can just go out of my mind like I normally do......but don’t make me come too quickly I want this shit to last all night....even if I am late for work..it will not matter because I am wanting you even more than I ever do....can’t wait to see your sexy ass.

I FALL IN LOVE, EVERYDAY... ...with my wife! That’s right folks, every single day, 36 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

because you are fuckin miserable and you know it! Don’t you know people know that you are a fuckin child molestor! Yeah I said it and I fucking know it! Why do you think that people dont know! Who the fuck really wants your fat ass! Nobody really wants your fat ass and how do you really think that nobody finds out about all the evil you do! I wish that you would go under the jail cell and rot! Rot like the fat slob you are! You think that I don’t know what the fuck your ass has been up to but I do know...I know it all! And one day I am going to put your ass on blast, and then what the fuck are you going to do! Mind your own fat business. Or go eat a fucking pig or something but leave me the hell alone and stay out of my business!

SOME CLUES

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eyes. There is a bee ready to sup that honey. Stay sweet. Love rules..........

LET ME! You really should let me take care of you...I am not going to say your name because everyone with that name is going to think that is about them...so let me just call you “Handsome” and that is your nickname that I call you! I love you already and I know that you know that...let me show you how much I love you...you need to let that girl go and be with me...for Godsakes she can’t even take care of you when you are sick...I just want to know what you see in her

M A R C H 6 - M A R C H 1 2 , 2 0 1 4 | C I T Y PA P E R . N E T

tell me when the last time I had sex? I hope that you are reading this and I hope that you know that I am going to hide from you being so fucking nosy! Please stay away from me!

READ THIS! You fat ass pig! I can’t stand your ass, you make me so sick...I hate you...I can honestly say that I hate you because you just talk about your best friend like a dog then you depend on her to do things for you! I wouldn’t do shit for your fat ass! How dare you tell someone that I say something about my race! I couldnt care less what your fat ass thinks or says

Ask me how I am. say hi. drop off whiskey for my fatherly custody. smile. be good to yourself. don’t be mean to yourself. don’t be mean to me. figure out what makes you happy. do what makes you happy. every time you go fishing, think of that time in the rain. be tough. don’t drink yourself to death. smoke cigarettes. dance in the sunshine. eat fast food. drink lots of coffee. remember the good times and what made them good. find out who ‘you’ are. be yourself. someday, You will make it all up to me. someday. and you’ll know where to find me. “you wrote this to me after I left. I’ve kept it and I still read it every once in awhile. not a day goes by that I don’t think about you; that’s not to say that I haven’t let our relationship rest in peace. I am grateful for the time I have been given and wish you the best.

WHAT IF! What if all the women in the world really cared about what they looked like when they walk out the door, this would be a better place! I hate the fact that when I get on the train early in the morning mind you that I see these dumb girls with bandana scarves on their heads! Can’t you do your fucking hair? What the fuck is the problem, are women becoming that lazy not to want to do their hair, that is one of the best things about being a woman besides getting fucked by a man! WOW! Loose the bandanas and get some respect! ✚ ADS ALSO APPEAR AT CITYPAPER.NET/lovehate. City Paper has the right to re-publish “I Love You, I Hate You”™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes re-purposing the ads for online publication, or for any other ancillary publishing projects.


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Philadelphia City Paper, March 6th, 2014  

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