What sets friendship apart from our other relationships and why it matters
rutus and Caesar made a complicated pair. On the one hand, they were best friends. Caesar promoted Brutus to governor of Gaul, kept him in his inner circle, and nominated him as a magistrate. But the relationship had its awkward elements, too. After all, Caesar was seeing Brutus’ mother on the side. Some historians even believe Brutus was Caesar’s illegitimate son, given that he named him second in line to his throne. So when it came time to say, “Et tu, Brute?” one could understand Caesar’s surprise. Bill Rawlins can appreciate the complexities of a friendship like the one between the famous Roman cronies. The Ohio University Stocker Professor of Communication Studies has become a leading expert on a topic so familiar to us that few have pursued it academically: how we build and maintain friendships. He’s the author of the books Friendship Matters and The Compass of Friendship. Rawlins says we overlook the importance of friendships amid the minutiae of our day-to-day life. But as the title of one of his books tells us, it matters even more so today. Friendships and the tensions surrounding
them underlie topical issues such as school bullying, social networks, and alliances among world leaders. Some experts argue that friendship is a crucial ingredient for our mental and physical health, especially as we age and risk becoming more isolated. “A lot of times we take friendship for granted,” he says. “Friendship is not something that just happens.” When Rawlins was pursuing his doctoral degree at Temple University in the 1970s, most of the research being done in interpersonal communication was on romantic relationships. Platonic friendships, however, contain some unique dynamics. Friendships are dictated by freedom. People rarely enter exclusive friendships. There are also no contracts or vows to establish friendships. To complicate things more, siblings, spouses, and coworkers also can be our friends. “We choose our friends and our friends choose us,” Rawlins says. “You can’t make someone be your friend. When you were a kid your parents probably said things like, ‘Why aren’t you friends with Tommy Wilson? He’s a nice boy.’ But you may know that Tommy Wilson just plays up to parents and he’s actually not a very nice boy.”
PHOTO: HULTON ARCHIVE, ISTOCKPHOTO.COM
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