SNHU Athletics Has Lost Their Marbles

Christopher Kelly Staff Writer

In a surprise announcement, SNHU athletics has canceled the remaining spring sports season and removed every existing sports team from the school.

Athletics director Anthony Fallacaro made this statement. “Due to low attendance for the Spring season games, and the reduced recruitment for existing sports, it has been decided that people are no longer interested in traditional sports. This, coupled with the existing restrictions for in-person

events, means that in order to still have athletics, we had to look at some less than traditional options. Because of this, we are proud to unveil the new and only SNHU sport, Competitive Marble Racing.”

Competitive marble racing used to be a relevantly unknown sport until the pandemic hit. The sport gained some traction after being featured in The New York Times and on the show Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Despite this newfound popularity, the sport is still an unexpected choice for replacing the others, especially with women’s tennis doing so well in the new season.

When asked about the cancelation of the current season, Anthony Fallacaro said, “Although the new season is starting up, it’s the best time to both cancel the current planed games and any future seasons for our current sports lineup. As for the reason behind Marble Racing taking center stage for SNHU sports, it comes down to N95

rules where there needs to be equal opportunity for both men and women, and marbles provide equal opportunity for both men and women.” SNHU will be competing as the Manchester Hamsters.

New team captain Rory Poroly was willing to explain the intricacies of marble racing. “Marble racing is life itself, the swell of pride you get as your marbles cross the finish line first, the rush of adrenaline from the sounds of glass sliding over plastic. There’s nothing else like it. It’s without a doubt the most challenging sport cause it’s all about stamina and performance. If you overcommit early then you’re not going to be able to give repeat performances in later rounds.”

The full impact of this decision won’t be evident until later, but more information will be provided as details become available.

Marble Race Track.

(image courtesy: Jelle’s Marble Runs)